Chapter Text
He was supposed to be dead.
Yet, he wasn’t.
Ivan gripped the edges of the toilet seat frantically as bile rose from his throat, emptying out his body which was hardly anything.
His plan to go take a trip to the roof and end his life was rudely interrupted by nausea, draining him of any energy to even try to kill himself. He didn’t even know if he should be thankful or annoyed by the temporary change of trajectory of his life.
Lifting himself up from the ground weakly, he stumbled out of the bathroom and back into his bedroom, collapsing on the bed from exhaustion. This wasn’t normal, even for him. Fear crept up his spine as a thought invaded his head. Could it be..?
He shook his head, “No, there’s no way..” he muttered to himself, tossing and turning beneath the covers anxiously.
Yet the more he tried to ignore the fact, the more his mind filled with its own reasoning.
Exhaustion fled from his body as anxiety crept up to him, making him fidgety and restless.
Eventually, Ivan got up with a designated groan, grabbing his keys and wallet and leaving his apartment.
His face contorted as he stared at the ungodly box in the pharmacy. Looking around cautiously as if there was anyone sane at the store at three in the god damn morning, he grabbed the box and walked up to the checkout.
To Ivan’s relief, the cashier didn’t even react as they scanned and bagged the item. With a quick payment and a choppy ‘good night’ he left the store and walked back to his apartment.
Apparently, the exhaustion had finally caught up to him because his vision began to darken a bit at the edges. Rubbing his eyes vigorously, he walked faster.
His mind wandered back to Andrew. Guilt fills his gut as he thought of the angered look he had harbored when he punched Ivan in the face. Normally, Ivan would say that the punch was a bit too far, but tonight, it felt completely deserved. Honestly, he’s amazed Andrew didn’t beat him to a pulp right then and there.
If only he had let the stupid idea of a legacy go. Seriously, if he hadn’t been so caught up in it, then Andrew would still be with him. Yet, he can’t blame his dad or the stupid tumor. Sure, they were intense, but at the end of the day, Ivan made the choice. And his choice was to push the one person he loved away.
He wanted to apologize to Andrew so badly. To take back all the fucked up things he did, to at least let him know that he was sorry, that he knew he had fucked up. He wanted Andrew to know he deserved better than him…
He was so caught up in his own internal monologue of thoughts that he suddenly crashed into someone, falling and watching in horror as the thing he bought slipped out of the bag.
Just my fucking luck.
“Shit, sorry, I didn’t see you.” Ivan froze like a deer in headlights. That voice.
He extended a yellow hand to Ivan, yet he felt extremely hesitant. Did he not recognize him??
“I-it’s fine.” He muttered, lifting himself up and avoiding eye contact.
“Oh yeah, you also dropped.. this..” His voice wandered off as recognition finally hit. Had Ivan looked so bad he wasn’t even recognizable?
Well, if he didn’t want to die before, he really wanted to now.
“What the hell, is that you Ivan?!” Andrew yelled as he looked at Ivan with anger and something indecipherable… worry? No, definitely not.
In a panicked frenzy, Ivan grabbed his item and made a run for it, the other yelling his name.
After he realized he wasn’t being followed, he heaved out a sigh of relief and walked the rest of the way to his apartment.
He stared at the ceiling in his bathroom numbly, trying to pretend this wasn’t actually happening. The timer had gone off a minute ago, but he still didn’t want to look at it, didn’t want to think about it. He was convinced that, maybe if he ignored it, it wouldn’t exist.
After a few minutes of the waiting game, he sighed and got up, knowing that the truth won’t go away anytime soon. And the truth was likely in his favor anyway, so no need to worry.
He walked over to the bathroom counter and froze.
The little plastic item on his counter had two pink lines on it. He wanted to be sick, he didn’t want to see lines in his life ever again.
His stomach twisted in discomfort, shame and disgust prickling at his spine.
He was…
“Pregnant..” he managed to mutter out, his eyes wide in horror.
Ivan took a deep breath. He was sure this was a sick joke played by the universe, yet he couldn’t help but hope that maybe, just maybe, he had a reason to keep living.
However, he also knew that in order to keep their unborn child alive, it meant he had to get over his self hatred and keep himself alive too.
He groaned as he glared at his tired reflection in the mirror, this was going to be quite the ride.