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Ever since everything happened, the first few days felt like a blur. Day after day, Spencer had to get up, and try to do something with the time he was given to rest, but if he was lucky enough, the most he was able to do was sit up in bed.
Stare at the wall.
Stare at the empty space in bed.
Stare at the untouched closet across the room, at the untouched nightstand with all of Derek's stuff, at the red slippers by the bed—all of it feeding the gaping hole right in the middle of his chest.
Everyone had gone to check up on him, make sure he would do the bare minimum to survive and not actually die because he was refusing to live in a world where Derek wasn't here.
And in a way, maybe that was what he was trying to do. It just... didn't make sense to try and stay in this world when the person who made everything made sense wasn't there anymore.
It had been five years since he had Derek in his life. Five years of seeing him when he would walk into the office, when he would sit across from him in the plane or in whatever place they were when they were on a case, and then about two years of seeing him when he would wake up, when he would go into any room of the apartment, when he would go to sleep, and when he would wake up, again and again, every single day.
Until the loop was broken like a pane of glass.
Until Spencer stood miles away, watching the love of his life on the floor, surrounded by blood. His own blood. The exact color never left his mind.
Spencer had known the sight of blood for his entire life, from when his mother used to accidentally injure herself, to nearly every victim he would come across, but he would be able to recognize Derek's blood among thousands.
He could still recall the scene like it was yesterday. Like it was some scene from a movie he had seen a million times. He stopped in his tracks, for just a few seconds, looked at Derek on the floor as his brain tried to work out what was even going on, and then his legs sort of rebooted like a computer that had been put to sleep, and he ran towards him.
Spencer was no medical doctor —even if, with all his knowledge, he could have been considered an honorary doctor, maybe— but in one glance, he knew that Derek wouldn't even make it past the ambulance ride.
Deduction was his most favorite thing in the world, but he had never hated being more right than he was in that moment.
He didn't want to know that the love of his life was going to die. He didn't want to know how and why he wasn't going to survive. He didn't want to know— he remembered being pulled right out of the raging chaos that his thoughts were as someone, he didn't remember who, was pulling him off Derek, who was long gone.
Probably for far too long, but he was too caught up in his thoughts, too into shock to realize that he wasn't breathing anymore, and that at one point, it wasn't Derek moving anymore, but the trembling running through Spencer's entire body that was making it seem like he was still moving.
These were part of the thoughts that didn't make an appearance until after it happened. Until everything settled in, laid on the floor, for him to look at and dissect everything that happened, every little thought he had on every thing that he thought about as Derek died in his arms, as he was pulled off him, as he was sat in a hospital chair-- waiting in a waiting room for happy news that would never come, as he was driven home, and as he was finally left alone in his room.
Staring at the wall.
At every item in the room, from the ceiling to the floor.
Day after day. Hour after hour. Minute after minute. Second after second. Millisecond after millisecond.
These were the first few days. The ones that left him unable to do nothing but breathe air in and out. Just a living mannequin.
It wasn't until about a week after that Spencer realized that while the world stopped in his room, the world kept turning outside. The world that he was once part of, with Derek.
He didn't believe in anything that could be linked to religious beliefs such as heaven, and departed loved ones being able to watch over you; but one day, he asked himself: would Derek want me to stay like this? If he saw me right now, would he be content?
Spencer tried to tell himself, it just wasn't fair, it wasn't fair to throw away his own life when Derek didn't get to have one anymore. What good would it be if he ended up dying because he refused to live? He would be dead, and nothing more.
There would be no being together again, getting to be forever alongside each other- because it just wouldn't be true. Derek would be dead, and so would Spencer and that would have been all there would be to it.
And this wouldn't be fair.
As much as he wished this wasn't the current reality, Spencer was the one who was left behind, with all of these feelings, and all of these memories he held dear to his heart— so what good would it be if he left this world behind and let the memories die with him?
So, little by little, like a mug that was broken in tiny pieces, Spencer attempted to glue himself back. Some pieces stayed, until they fell back because he wasn't ready yet, but he held himself together again, because he couldn't allow himself to break again.
He had to keep on trying to survive for Derek. He had to keep on making through that one day, just one more, and then when that day was done, he would try to make it through the next one, over and over.
There were many days where he had wanted to give up again, when the feelings came crashing down on him like a raging wave because he had looked at one specific thing for too long, which ended making him think of a specific memory with Derek, but he told himself he had to keep on feeling the pain, no matter how much it hurt, because it reminded him that he was still alive.
That he could still feel.
And with the pain, he could push himself to stand back up, and walk through another day.
Spencer knew that the scar where once the gaping hole stood would never quite close right, because some days, it was going to open up like a floodgate, but it would be a reminder of what he went through to get where he was.
Not quite healed just yet, but still alive.
He would never forget Derek, not as long as he was alive, and he was going to stay alive to keep everything that they once shared, as long as he could.