Chapter Text
Sirius had waited for approximately twenty minutes before being called into the therapists… office? Workspace? He wasn’t familiar with the term they used to refer to that small room in which they both sat and talked for hours. He believed out of his friends -to the best of his knowledge-, he was the first one to attend a therapeutic session. Peter had TDH, but that didn’t really count, he had only seen a psychiatrist, and James had her mother -with vast patience- to talk whenever he needed. Therefore, he didn’t have anyone to relate to.
A woman got out of the room, crying, middle aged. Christ, Sirius thought bitterly as his turn approached. Another woman got out of the room, blonde hair, slim complexion, and a smile from ear to ear. What was there to smile about? She had a freckled face and a warming presence, that was for sure, maybe she had embodied those qualities therapists tended to have over the years, or maybe she simply was a warm human being, and she had been born with that gift. Who knew?
Sirius shrunk as he walked in the direction of the room, the woman wasn’t intimidating at all, few people or things ever intimidated Sirius, but he was simply affected by the unpleasantness of the situation itself.
“Good afternoon,” the woman smiled.
“Hello,” Sirius said, he let himself fall into the seat nonchalantly.
Sirius inspected with suspicion every detail in the room: like the fresh flowers which had been recently torn off, and the small statues of what he believed were angels, or… gods, he wasn’t certain about her religion, despite that being his… what? tenth session? He had started as soon as he finished school in June. Sirius hoped that after the incident, he would have to face the music alongside the school year, but obviously, Walburga and Orion couldn’t wait a minute before making him pay.
There were no photos of her and family, Sirius had expected that there would be, but no, there weren’t, not a single one. The only thing hanging from her walls were her numerous diplomas in types of therapies. That was funny, Sirius thought there was just one.
The woman took his silence in stride and simply smiled, she wrote something down in her little notebook, probably something about Sirius having to mend his childish attitude, he could see the cynicism written all over her face. He still hadn’t decided if he felt sympathy or apathy for her. Mixed feelings.
It didn’t matter that he had known the woman for longer than two months, he still didn’t want to lose face and express his feelings, like any other patient would do with their therapist, instead, he grinned:
“What have you done over summer?”
That's what he asked. He liked asking personal questions to the woman, that made her uncomfortable, visibly uncomfortable, or that’s what he expected would happen. Few and far between therapists tended to show any emotion during sessions, he knew that due to Regulus, who had seen loads of them. Sirius had made his mission trying to make his therapist break character: that insensitive facade, he wanted to see her for who she was, he couldn't trust her unless she did that.
The woman tilted her head, Sirius found it so curious that she looked so young to be a therapist, but still, her eyes seemed so utterly tired, as if she were older, but she couldn't have been older than forty.
“Why are you asking?” she replied.
“ ‘cause I find it really strange that you stayed here… with me, during the whole summer instead of going to… the beach, or somewhere really cool.”
“I’m not staying for you, I have loads of other patients.”
“If you went away, maybe we could all get away from this hell.”
“It would be of no consequence whether I stayed or went. Your parents would send you with another therapist, it would all be the same.”
“Right,” Sirius nodded. “You have a family, right? You wear your ring occasionally. Don’t they get tired of you staying here?”
“My job it’s fraught with challenges, such as staying here against their own will, and they are aware of that.”
“That’s cool… I wonder if my future family will be so tolerating with my job.”
“What do you want to be?”
“An astronaut.”
Sirius noticed how she slightly repressed a smile, he knew that his sarcasm was bordering arrogant, but that despite that, she still found him funny. But laughing at a patient’s jokes while he was refusing to speak about his past, his trauma, and all that accumulation of pain and suffering that bothered him and had made his insufferable attitude bearable for precious few people that had the capacity of understanding him. His friends were the only ones who could put up with his attitude, and that’s the only therapy that he could possibly need.
“Really?”
“What did you have in mind? What’s the job that you could see me in?”
“I would have to think about that…”
“I have an idea! Why don’t we just turn around the focus of the sessions, and you just help me decide my future? When I was younger I wanted to be a singer. I really looked up to those singers… you know, Jagger, and Bowie, also The Beatles, yeah… my father listened to those a lot.”
“Why aren’t you considering it anymore?”
“Not in my wildest dreams was I going to become a singer, Christ! Who on earth who has a bit of dignity will deign to have that as a career. I gave my mother a fright when I told her I wanted to become one, and she immediately put paid to those dreams. I had to settle with the piano.”
“Do you like the piano?”
“I’m not very fond of classical music. I like it whenever they have a business trip and I’m confined to the house, and I have nothing better to do other than to read or play something a bit more appealing. I enjoy it quite enough.”
“And what would you like to become now?”
“I’m not sure, I’m practically good at anything.”
“Well, those are many options. If you are good at everything you have the privilege of choosing what you are most passionate about.”
“Well, I enjoy Literature, I loathe History though, and Geography. I do well in Physics, but not enough to pour myself into that. I really like Chemistry and Maths, it’s a guilty pleasure of mine, my friends think I’m a psychopath, because, who could ever take pleasure into that? But I really like numbers, I think I understand them better than words.”
“That’s an interesting way of putting it.”
“Right?”
“From where I stand, I think you could be successful in the area of medicine…”
“Nah, that sounds boring. My cousin is studying that and it sounds like bollocks to me.”
“What do you have in mind?”
“Well, my other cousin is studying engineering, it has a complicated name and I can’t cast my mind back to that, honestly. I will ask her for our next session.”
“Do you get along with your cousins?”
“Just with her.”
“What’s her name?”
“Andromeda.”
Andromeda was probably the only person worth something in her family. He sometimes felt like an outsider to them, like a fish out of water regarding his family, except for Andromeda, who made him feel like he belonged somewhere.
Despite being cousins, they were brought up by the same household, with the only difference that it was another version of it, but with the same scolding, the same expectations, the same punishments. Neither of the two families felt any compunction on the way they were raising their kids and how much harm they might cause to their children, but he could feel like he wasn’t going crazy when he talked to Andromeda. Someone finally understood him. It went beyond relating, it was as if Andromeda could crawl under his skin and feel what he was feeling, depict every emotion perfectly, no one else had the power of doing that.
Nothing less than those words would satisfy his therapist. He knew it was just a matter of him opening up to her, and all of those endless sessions would be over. She would have her diagnpse and it would be over. But he had always been complicated, and he was willing to put up a fight before softening. He wasn’t up to level with her, it didn’t feel natural, it didn’t sound like him, not at all.
“She seems more to your liking than the rest of the members of your family,” she said with a soft and calm voice. His eyes were previously set on his hands, on his fingers, to be more precise, he was constantly fidgeting with them, he raised his gaze in order to look at her as soon as she said that. He hated when she analysed him, despite that being her job. “Have you realised that you make no mention of your relatives ever?”
“Not really. Whenever I speak, I talk about my day, and I seldom see them,” Sirius admitted.
“Does that upset you?” she asked. He shook his head.
“Honestly, it makes no difference to me. How could I feel alone if I have the… dozens of cooks, cleaners, butlers, and God-Knows who else, wandering around my house, they keep me company.”
“You don’t have any siblings?”
“One, an annoying bastard, if you were to ask me.”
“You don’t cherish him much?”
“No, I do,” Sirius chuckled. Just that morning they had a fight, Sirius could barely remember now, in retrospect, it was too insignificant to even recall. He had taken offence in something Sirius had said, and after a screaming match that took place in the living room, an awkward silence ensued after they were done. “Very much, indeed.”
“It’s complicated, like with most siblings, you know, we aren’t too many years apart, and that makes it even worse, it’s like having a less… vibrant copy of myself creeping around the house.”
“Is conflict usual in your home?”
“You know… you ask more personal questions than I care for my liking.”
“Is that so?”
“Mhm,” Sirius nodded.
“Well, it’s my job, Sirius.”
“I thought so,” Sirius smirked. “I’m still a bit ill at ease with this whole dynamic.”
“How would you like it to be?”
“I dunno, different.”
“That’s very broad. But I’m very intrigued though. We have been doing this for a long time and you haven’t told me a single personal thing. Just now I found out you have a sibling. From time to time you open your mouth, and when you do, it’s to ask a question about my personal life,” she said, still, with a very calm voice and with plain wonder in her tone.
“Because I’m intrigued about you. That’s the reason behind it, but I would like to know, what was your diagnosis on the matter? Why do I just ask about you and rarely speak?”
“That you didn’t trust me enough, perhaps.”
“I would never,” Sirius gasped offendedly, his hand went to his chest and he rose her eyebrows with exaggeration.
“Then why do you insist on keeping your life in the dark?”
“Again: because I’m rather more interested in getting to know you.”
The therapist smiled. “What would you like to know?”
“Do you like me or are you just here because of the money?”
She thought for a few seconds, she was a silent woman in general, Sirius sometimes wondered if she was like that in her daily life or if she was rather talkative and full of life. She seemed so. She had loving eyes. Over the course of years Sirius believed he had acquired the ability of categorizing all of the different kinds of stares: she had loving eyes, not because she loved him, but it was the sort of stare in which she affronted life, or maybe the attitude.
Regulus had more sad eyes, he wasn’t sad all the time, clearly, Sirius knew better than anyone that his brother could be incredibly angry, and smiley, and happy, and he could laugh for hours about some stupid nonsense. But he had the eyes of a person who had seen so much, more than he should've, more than what anyone should.
He did that with everyone he knew, the one he envied the most, was James’, his stare was so innocent, and full of life and expectations. He was so positive about everything. Peter’s stare was doubtful, most of the time at least. Mary’s was similar to the therapist’s, as well as Marlene’s. Hadn’t it been for his mother, he would've easily thought that men were the problem and all women were loving. But her mother’s stare was full of rage.
“I’ve become fond of you, I must admit that,” she said.
“Really?”
“Why are you so doubtful about it? Has someone ever made you feel that if people stay around for their own benefit?”
“Not really. I got loads of people at home that… well, they are obviously there because my parents pay for them, but I believe I’m surrounded by many people that stay with me,” Sirius replied.
The therapist smiled, with clear satisfaction, as if she had finally accomplished her single mission of getting Sirius to level about his thoughts. Sirius did likewise, and he smiled at her. Cooperation was clearly essential, but he was giving in so easily.
***
Sirius intended to go back to his house after the session, it was just a few streets away from where he was. He searched in his pockets, and met with delight as soon as he recognised that thin box, containing his five remaining cigarettes of the week, before he returned to school and was close to all the stores who sold them to kids like him.
He placed one of them in his lips, he searched in his other pocket for a zippo, but he wasn;t lucky enough to get both the lighter and the fags. He sighed, and as he attempted to save the cigarette in his pocket again, he came across the most marvellous surprise.
“Smoking gives you cancer,” Andromeda said as she searched in her own shoulder and extended him her own zippo. “But even worse, nicotine gives you dependence.”
“That’s way worse,” Sirius agreed as he lit up his cigarette. “Why are you here?”
“You, wanker. I’m walking you home! Aren't you excited?” she replied as she grabbed the fag and placed it right in between her lips.
“You could’ve texted, I’m not walking home either way, I’m going to the bus stop.”
“Cool, I’ll walk you there.”
Ever since Andromeda had moved into the city instead of the outskirts of London, her life had become much simpler, and suddenly insisted on him to go meet her at places in London, she had forgotten about the existence of their previous homes, and she no longer wanted to go there under any circumstances, he had been there, the flat was nice, small, but very quaint and it suited her taste.
Sirius believed that her sudden excitement was related with the fact that she had missed so much due to living far away from all that, her only interactions with the city were whenever she was at school -which was very limited since they had a chauffeur pick her up-. She never got the opportunity to wander around differently, and she wasn’t as rebellious as Sirius, so she didn't have the courage to do it on her own against her parents’ wishes.
“Don’t you have grown up shit to do?”
“I do, actually. Tomorrow I’m meeting my boyfriend so we can-”
“I don't want to hear it,” Sirius squeaked as he covered his ears and Andromeda barked a laughter. “You are disgusting!”
“No less than you are. I had to put up with your incessant hours of you and Mary. I put that relationship in motion with my advice, and that’s how you thank me?”
“Actually…”
“No!” Andromeda gasped.
“Yeah, we broke up,” Sirius nodded. “We barely met, and if we did so, it had a single purpose. Mary will always have precedence over the rest of the girls, it was getting a bit rusty, and I don’t think either of us can handle… a relationship.”
“Bummer,” Andromeda said as she smiled with compassion. Sirius believed he bore resemblance to Aendromeda, against general belief: they had the same smile, and the same cheekbones. They had the same shape on their lips, with the only exception that hers were slightly more bigger than his. “I liked Mary.”
“Me too…” he sighed.
“Are you seeing her tonight?”
“Huh?”
“At the party.”
“How do you know?!” Sirius exclaimed as he took a drag of the cigarette.
“The girls in your year are a bunch of whores, they invited Ted! My Ted! Who is three years older than them. Gawd, I abhor them with every inch of my heart.”
“They really are unstoppable. But that invitation didn’t put either my confidence nor my relationship to proof. They can keep dreaming, but he’s all mine.”
“Will you two get married someday?”
“Sirius, I’m twenty, not thirty. We are not looking forward to that until… I dunno, we both graduate, we get a place together. Many things need to happen in order to even consider marriage,” Andromeda said. “Are you going tonight?”
“Probably, all my friends are going.”
“Do you need a lift?”
“Only if you insist…”
“Right,” Andromeda chuckled.
Having Andromeda in his life was sometimes confusing, he got carried away by her maternal instinct, so she could seem like a mother, but also like a sister. But their bond escaped any rules that existed among families, so they were more like best friends who happened to share blood.
“Make yourself invisible if possible, I have no intention of dealing with my parents and their pestering because you escaped from home to go to a party and I was responsible for it.”
“You were not, I would’ve gone walking if it weren’t for you.”
“Homeless people have more decency than you do,” She shook her head. “The street is not an idyllic place where you should wander without a single care in the world.”
“I know… I know,”
On the ordinary course of events, Sirius rode the bus anywhere, to go to school, after school, to his friends’ houses, to the city. It gave him some sort of freedom to have the possibility of going to the most remote places by his own will, and without being so dependent on his parents. The peacefulness brought by his sense of liberty was something beyond his possibilities while he was confined to his home, with his parents, and with Regulus, who had little to no fault in his symbolic incarceration.
Sirius looked at the window, and watched the old brick flats and houses turn into trees, and the sediment turn into grass. That was a signal that they were leaving his favourite place in the world, and entering the place he was supposed to call home. Sirius' house was off the beaten track, according to almost everyone. But on everyone’s accord, it was as well, the most beautiful home they have ever set foot into. Compelling and quaint by word, with loads of interesting structures that would make any architect gasp in disbelief with the wonderful masterpiece he had in front of his eyes. Tall roofs, beige stone in the walls, a gothic dream come true. But to him, it was nothing but a bleak, deserted, nightmarish place, and a source of terror.
His phone buzzed in his pocket several times before he decided to see who was texting so much and for what reasons.
“3xagon”
19:43
Mary: so
Mary: Emmeline lives just a few blocks away from my house
Mary: you can all come like an hour prior
Mary: drink, chat, you know
Mary: my parents are away, so it’ll be just us and obviously my sisters, but I advised them to steer clear
Marls: can Lily come?
Pete: who the fuck is lily
Marls: a girl from my church
Marls: James knows her
James: I do not
James: as a matter of fact
Marls: YES YOU DO
Marls: she always sits next to me
Marls: you had to see her a couple of times
James: I did not
Marls: Well
Marls: the point is
Marls: she switched this year, so she’s technically new, but school hasn’t started yet, so she has no friends, and she’s really sweet
Marls: I want her to have friends before she comes here and well…
Sirius: realises blatant exclusion and discrimination is a fundamental value in our school
Sirius: and without a friend in the world she feels so alone she might become an absolute loner?
Marls: exactly
Marls: and also…
Marls: she’s friends…
Marls: with this particular human being
Marls: which is repulsive
Marls: and i want to save her from him
Pete: who
Marls: nevermind
Marls: I want her to find a suitable group of people
Marls: she’s really sweet
Sirius: won’t it be a little awkward for lily?
Sirius: I mean, to come on her own tonight, without knowing anyone but you
Sirius: everybody else knows each other except for her
Marls: I told her to bring a friend or two
Mary: cool
Mary: say less
Mary: she can, obviously!
Mary: Sirius, you won’t come by foot, right?
Sirius: noooo
Sirius: christ
Pete: but you have done it a couple times though
Sirius: just once
Sirius: but no, I won’t
Sirius: Andy will come pick me up
Mary: with Ted?
Mary: :)
Sirius: he’s still dating Andy
Mary: I never suggested we should invite him
Mary: I respect your cousin
Mary: But god
Mary: Isn't he gorgeous ?
Marls: the answer is yes
Marls: but he’s like thirty
Sirius: he’s twenty!!!
Sirius: you can’t feel free to assign any age to anyone that is older than eighteen
Sirius: that’s so annoying
Marls: I see you cousin has brainwashed you into loving ted as well
Sirius: bollocks
Sirius: Ted is very lovable
Sirius: for instance
Sirius: he’s giving me a lift tonight
Mary: okay
Mary: so
Mary: James brings the vodka
Mary: Marls the strawberries
Mary: Pete the lemons
Mary: and Sirius the orange juice
James: why do you need all that
Mary: I’m going to try something my sister taught me…
“Mary & Sirius”
19:54
Mary: come a bit earlier
Mary: will you?
Sirius: sure
***
They had dinner with their parents out of force of habit, and it had been fraught and silent, with an occasional conversation initiated by Regulus, asking about their trip. The places, the food, the people, their assets there. He usually was rather silent, but when it was time for them, he could ask questions for hours in order to please them.
Sirius couldn’t stop thinking how wrong that was. The fact that they had the duty to please them and make themselves likeable was outrageous. He felt in the right to sit and criticise that attitude while he was doing the exact same, just in a more silent and watchful way. On occasion, his behaviour may have been out of place, but it was done with the sole purpose of putting them off and making a scene that had the aim of catching their attention.
They had gone to Belgium, but still, they had nothing good to say about it. Nothing to say at all. Everything always fell short to their expectations when they regarded them as the only true judges. They felt entitled to never feel compelled by anything at all. Nothing amused them. It applied to them as well. Sirius and Regulus. They seemed to constantly fall short of their expectations, it would've been foolhardy of him to believe he could ever meet them.
“How have you been doing here? I asked your teachers, and they said neither of you are particularly improving,” Walburga said, referring to piano and violin. She could not have said that about maths or physics, since they both excelled at those subjects their mother particularly required them to practice over the summer. A sufficient grade had never been good enough for either of them, and she couldn’t risk them wasting three months.
“Good,” they both said in unison. Which was the way it had been. No improvement, that was true, but they had done their homework, and showed good enough results.
She gasped. “I explicitly asked you to keep me posted on the details, just now I reached to you, and you simply say ‘good’. So pathetic for you,” she shook her head. “I expected more from you, Regulus.”
Sirius sighed. He knew that no matter what he said, his comments would only compound her anger. He tried to think less about it, and concentrate on the night he would have. He looked at Regulus, his eyes were empty, he shrunk at the presence of their parents. He would have liked to know what he was feeling, but they happened to be very similar in that aspect, and he didn’t want to lay his feelings bare to anyone.
“Business went well though,” his father said, “Despite the Irish, which are a despicable breed of human beings. But yes, it was good enough, I suppose-”
“Your hair looks a bit long, Sirius,” Walburga pointed out, not as a form of helping, but as a way of annoying. She touched the tips of his black hair, the colour as hers. She looked at it with disapproval and disdain, as if he had done it on purpose just to make her angry, and he had, in fact. “You are getting a haircut tomorrow.”
“But-”
“It’s out of the question. You’ll start school looking pristine. It has been established beyond a shadow of doubt that you’ll live up to our name this year. To the family name. It’s a matter of attitude, you could be ten times better if you just mended your attitude.”
“Oh yes, indeed. We discussed it with your mother recently,” his father intervened. “No fooling around, no childishness…”
They bored him with their neverending lectures, about in which areas he should improve, what subjects he should take, alongside extra courses, and activities that made them look better. Sirius felt overwhelmed with all the duties they were finally assigning him, while he couldn’t care less about it. He never felt like at some point he would feel entitled to the life they were granting him. He had to take pains in order to bear a meal with his parents.
“It is getting old, and I am sick and tired," she interrupted. “Do you think we want another year of being called by your teachers because of your misbehaviour? You have great examples of what you should do, and you keep ignoring them for the sake of stupidity. Do you want to be an idiot forever, Sirius?”
“I want to-”
“Christ, Sirius! Aren’t you tired of keeping on with this nonsense? Nobody gives a shit about what you want, so stop whining. You’ll stop hanging around with those lowlifes you call friends. How do you think they’ll end up? Probably in an alley, with a needle stuck in their arm, and you’ll end the same way if you don't take it seriously-”
“But I am Sirius,” he replied, he knew it was something stupid to say, he hadn’t said that joke since he was twelve, but it never failed to make her mother’s short temper explode. And that’s exactly what it did. He heard Regulus, next to him, sighing, and he nearly saw his with his hand covering her forehead, stressed enough with the menace that his brother represented to stability in that house.
“Look at him, Orion! He’s making fun of us!” Walburga shouted loud enough to make Sirius flinch as he heard her strident voice.
He kept his chin up as she stared at him with those piercing grey eyes that were scaringly resemblant to his. Sometimes it felt like watching himself in a mirror, the same nose, the same jaw, the same cheekbones. Not for a moment did he look away, because if the experience of staring at her mother in the middle of an argument was frightening for Sirius, it would've been ten times worse for her. Like looking at the worst version of herself, because that was how Sirius tended to feel whenever those cutting comments made an effect on him.
His rage sometimes felt like a blessing, feeling angry all the time was better than feeling impotence, and he was glad he was able to let it all out in just an instant of chaos. He took his plate, with their meal still there, and he slammed it on the table in a single movement. His parents were breeding ground to violence when he was already born with that rage, waiting to be let out.
“SIRIUS,” The voice of her mother echoed in the walls, and every employee froze, that’s the effect his mother had on everyone, basically. She was a source of fear, even for Orion, whose heart almost skipped a beat with the penetrating voice of his wife. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”
Sirius turned around, ignoring each and every one of her reckless shouts, and walked towards the door, in order to leave the room with the last bit of decency he had. Well, at least now he would rest assured that no one would come to his room and pester him, he would be left alone, as he had always intended.
He shut the door of his own room and even locked it with its key, as he quickly changed his clothes, from time to time checking the clock so he wouldn’t miss the exact moment Andy had told him they would be a few blocks away from his house in her boyfriend's old car. He took off the silly trousers and got into a pair of blue jeans and t-shirt he believed he had worn too many times to the same sort of events.
He fixed his hair in front of the mirror a few times, until it reached the desirable look. He grabbed his phone, it was about time Andromeda arrived, but he assumed they were doing their things before picking him up.
Sometimes he wondered if they would ever get married. He couldn’t imagine a guy like Ted, with a total lack of sense of responsibility and commitment. Though, he could imagine a girl like his cousin married. Hadn’t it been for Ted, she would've been doomed to the same fate as her sisters. It was Ted who impulsed her into trying her best to exploit her potential, get a job she enjoyed in spite of the salary or the adversities, and in the way, they fell in love. But yes, overall, Andy was somewhat structured, put together, and she had been raised to dream of getting married, she couldn’t imagine her life otherwise.
Sirius could’ve never represented that to Mary. Mary already had big aspirations from a very early age. She couldn’t lavish her with revolutionary ideas she never needed. And he was no Voltaire either way, he was very standard and very common to his eyes, with the only difference he had a compelling face and a confident attitude. Even he was able to take notice of the fact that Mary deserved way better. She needed someone who was equal to her affection and her goals.
“Andy and Sirius”
22:37
Andy: We’re here
Andy: Come out
Andy: Shithead
Sirius: Coming
Sirius opened the window on the off-chance that no one would realise. There was a low prospect that they would, Sirius had learned their routine by heart, and after living with them for sixteen years, he knew that they should have gone to bed twenty minutes ago, and the room was on the opposite side of the house to his, meaning that they would not hear a single thing that took place on his side.
His foot was on the other side of the window when he was taken aback by the knocking on his door.
“Shit,” he hissed as he rapidly closed the window and fixed himself so he would receive the visits. God, his parents would be so pissed if they found out what he was planning to do. He even thought about not opening and acting as if he had already fallen asleep, but there was a very high chance that that wouldn't end well.
He slightly opened the door, so his head would be only visible and not his clothing. But his face relaxed when it was Regulus the face he encountered, and not his parents. He sighed in relief while he stared at him, awaiting for an answer to what he was doing in his room.
“So?” Sirius asked. “What’s the matter?”
“That thing you pulled downstairs,” Regulus said with incredulity.
“What?”
“Are you joking? You have no sense of responsibility, and because of that I have been presided over with picking up the pieces of the disasters you make.”
“They made you clean?” Sirius raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
“Sirius, they-! Nevermind, actually. And either way, it’s not about that…”
“Reg, I really need to go.”
“Where are you going?”
“A party, obviously,” he smirked.
“Jesus,” he sighed.
“What?” Sirius asked. “Am I wrong for living my life like anybody else would? I’m sorry if I don’t fancy staying here, moping around, instead of going out there and doing something instead of getting depressed here.”
“Fuck you.”
“Piss off, Reg,” Sirius said before he closed the door again, and managed his way out of the house in the most sigilous and quiet form possible.
Sirius knew that house like the palm of his hand, they had never moved, he knew all the passages that would lead him to freedom. He knew which roof tiles were slightly loose and would send him through a -not deadly- but very painful fall from across a fair distance. He climbed the gates and met with the most beautiful view of them all, the clouds drifting across the sky with an inhuman slowness that even Sirius found admirable.
He found the car within a couple of minutes, parked in between some trees. It was bright red, a model he had seen a few times from every escapade Ted helped accomplish.
“I owe you big, mate,” Sirius said as soon as he got in. Andromeda was there, smelling like an expensive perfume that had probably been a gift from her parents.
“No worries, Sirius,” he replied.
“He’s doing it for me, anyway,” Andromeda spat humorously.
“Where are we headin’?” Ted asked.
“Err… Knightsbridge.”
“That’s Mary’s house,” Andromeda turned around as she arched an eyebrow with lack of trust in what the intentions might have been.
“Yeah, she invited us all, nothing weird with that, there will be loads of others.”
“Sure,” she said, chuckling and nodding.
Ted started the car again, and they began their journey. A reason he had to like Ted was that he was very chatty, he loved people who filled silences with chattering, about anything. He was passionate about almost everything and prone to talk about it with countless excitement and vibrancy.
He was passionate about his job -as a cashier in a library and the people he met there-, his future career as a writer, his car, but first and foremost, his girlfriend. He could fill any silence with stories about his cousin, to his eyes, she was one magnificent human being. He wasn’t wrong.
Hadn’t Andromeda been there all those years, only God knows what would've happened to his taste in general. Andromeda was responsible for every song he knew, every band or singer he loved, and the only person in the whole wide world that could tell Sirius how to dress.
“Gosh, turn this on,” Andy said as the volume on the song began to increase. “Baby you’re all that I want! When you're lyin’ here in my arms! I’m finding’ it hard to believe… we’re in heaven..”
And love is all that i need
And I found it there in your heart
Isn’t too hard to see
We are on heaven
Yeah!
I’ve been waitin’ it for so long
For somethin’ to arrive
For love to come alone
Now our dreams are comin’ true
Through the good times and the bad
Yeah, I'll be standing there by you, oh
During the guitar solo Andromeda opened the window and placed her feet on top of the dashboard. She and Ted shared a grin as she kept moving her arms in the air as she laughed. She threw her head back and met Sirius’ gaze,
“Come on, Sirius!” she screamed with a smile on her face.
“Baby you’re all that I want!” he sang.
“Wooh!” Ted joined.
“When you’re lyin’ here in my arms, I’m finding it hard to believe, we’re in heaven!”
“What a good fucking song. Ted, do you have something from the eighties in this massive box?” Andromeda asked as she opened the glove compartment. Hundreds of CDs with all kinds of singers.
“There has to be a couple…” Ted replied while he kept staring over at the box. The city began to appear beneath their eyes, the lights, the people, it wasn’t very crowded, but it wasn’t deserted like Hampstead. Those lights felt like a warm welcome, he smiled as he laid on his seat comfortably. “Here!”
I knew it from the start
You would break my heart
But still I had to play this painful part
You wrapped me 'round your little-bitty finger
With your magic smile
You kept me hangin' on a lover's cross a whi;e
Your put a spell on me
Took my breath away
But there was nothing I could to
To make you stay
I'm gonna miss you
“I'm gonna miss you baby!” Ted sang, both Sirius and Andromeda laughed at the high-pitched voice he did on purpose.
"Ted, you are terrible!" Andromeda laughed. "Shut up, for the love of God!"
“Sirius, join me!" Ted almost ordered.
"Giving all the love I feel for you, couldn't make you change your point of view... you are leavin'!"
"Yes!" Ted exclaimed.
“Bellatrix was obsessed with this song, can you recall, Sirius?”
“I think it’s engraved in my brain. Didn’t she make us do a choreography with the song or something like that?”
“Christ, I think you must be right,” she smiled as she immediately turned around again. “Yes! But it was with ‘Blame It on the Rain’ ! She used to be so bloody fun, a delight to be around her…” Andromeda sighed.
“Do you think we should ask her to perform it?”
“Don’t be silly.”
It's a tragedy for me to see
The dream is over
And I never will forget the day we met
Girl I'm gonna miss you
“She wouldn’t dare to make a fool of herself now that she’s married.”
“Being married doesn’t mean getting boring,” Andromeda said. “Right Ted?”
“Err… I think it’s complicated. It surely meant that for her, yeah. Like… committing to becoming a serious person.”
“You are all the same, I came to terms with that fact,” Andromeda complained, the hint seemed to be rather straightforward, but Ted wasn’t planning on taking notice of that. “How are you doing with therapy? I didn’t get to ask you today.”
“Good.”
“Let me rephrase it: are you finding it helpful?”
“No. I don’t believe in therapy in the first place. I was sent to it against my own will, which is… shit, if you ask me. I’m not telling that woman anything about my personal life. I don’t think she can help me, honestly.”
“Sirius!”
“She cannot! What, if I tell her I’m being bullied will she just go confront the bullies for me? That’s bullshit and it doesn’t work. Talking about my problems doesn’t make me feel mildly better, it makes me realise my life’s a proper mess. You never went and you are fantastic!”
“Yes, but I am unique in my kind. I believe a person like Bella or Cissa could make good use of the money of their husband and boyfriend, and fix issues they had ages ago that still affect them to this day.”
“Money can’t buy happiness, wasn’t that your favourite catchphrase?”
“Yes, but money it’s a resource. It holds power, and if you happen to be one twisted and fucked human being, you can attempt, with a bit of willingness and a positive attitude, which you cannot buy. It helps, it does not resolve anything. Look at me! I worked part time in that shitty restaurant, and with the help of Alphard, I’m renting a decent flat. Not a single penny from mum and dad.”
“When will Ted move in?”
“When he finds a stable job he doesn’t lose in the course of a month,” she said as she smiled at him, he rolled his eyes.
They found themselves in a house that couldn't have been home for anyone besides Mary. The entry was covered in flowers, the walls were dazzlingly white, the windows open, but the inside of the house was covered with white curtains. Mary’s house was the sort of house that smelled the same as its owner, like clean, sweet-scented. He had been there a few times, when her parents were away, but he still could recognise Mary’s room, on the last floor, stickers in the window, and the pink curtains, he smiled as he rang the bell, not before saying goodbye and thanking Ted and Andromeda for being so kind to him.
Mary got out, she had a pair of shorts, a shirt he believed was purposely ripped, and a pair of boots. Her curls loosened around her shoulders, her skin tanned, she had been out of the country, they always were. There was a pink shade of blush in her cheeks, and that smile. There was a shimmer in her eyelids, from the eyeshadows and everything Mary loved to put in her face, but nothing like the unmatchable spark that enlightened her stare as soon as she met him.
“Long time no see,” Mary said, her shoulder resting in the wall, Sirius’ hand in his pocket, nonchalantly, he had missed her.
“Come ‘ere,” Sirius smirked as he extended an arm.
Mary immediately fell into his arms and kissed his cheek fondly. He wrapped his arms around her. She held his hand as they got inside of the house, together. Her skin was warm next to him. That’s how Mary was. He closed her eyes, and yes, once again, he smelled that Mary scent. Sirius touched her hair, so soft and lovely.
Nevertheless, behind closed doors, it was as if they transformed. Her hands escalated to his hair as they kissed. His hands wandered down, she felt the softness of her skin and the rawness of her short jeans.
“I missed you,” Sirius grunted.
“You did?” Mary chuckled.
They smiled at each other, Sirius kissed her neck, making her laugh more. He gently pushed her against the wall.
“Stop it,” she giggled.
“You really want me to?”
They rushed upstairs while holding hands, her sisters were nowhere to be seen. Another door had been shut, and suddenly, they had climbed onto the bed, kissing and touching each other, nothing they weren’t accustomed to. They did that, more often than they should've. They had broken up and got together once too many times, but the problems started when they began getting together while they were broken up. When the fine line between a relationship and a rupture became too thin to be distinguished, and they crossed enough times for it to suddenly disappear.
Her fresh breath, her laugh as they kissed. Mary was bustling with joy, not only because she caressed her cheeks with deep affection, because that was who she was as a person. Mary was like that. She smelled sweet, he paid attention to those details as she took his shirt off and left a trail of kisses in his stomach. That delightful and pleasant smell was everywhere.
They kissed on the mouth again. With every kiss and every gentle touch, he knew he was exacerbating the emptiness they both felt afterwards. It was just that. A kiss and a touch, no meaning behind. He missed having someone to love while doing all that, but it was more complicated than that. They both laid in bed, on top of her white and comfortable duvet, Sirius asked if he could light a cigarette, she reluctantly accepted, but cracked a window first. She still had her underwear and her shorts, and extended her hand in order to get a drag of the fag, Sirius handed it to her and she kissed his cheek.
“How have you been?” she asked with a gentle voice.
“Good, you?”
“Fantastic, I fell in love with someone new,” she announced.
“You did? Who was able to replace me?”
“Morocco. Christ, I've never seen in my life such a charming city, and I’ve been everywhere. But Morocco was something else. The people, the weather, the music, the parties.”
“You went to parties?”
“Clearly, Freya and I met a couple of people our age. It was hilarious.”
Mary had a complicated family dynamic, that didn’t make it less cool though. Her mother had a daughter before her with another man, they had been clearly raised by sisters, because that was what they were, but for some reason, they ended up being more like friends rather than family. The closest people siblings Sirius had ever seen. She had a younger sister, Sirius believed she was as enchanting as Mary, as if she had been raised by her. Sometimes, he couldn't help but to feel a bit envious of her, of how easy it had all been for her.
Sirius could hear her talk for hours about Morocco, and about a bloke she had kissed, named Theodore, and how fun she had, without feeling remotely jealous or insecure, because, even after all, he didn’t fancy Mary, right? The passion he felt for her must've been something, but he wasn't sure what exactly. After a year of fancying her, they found a sustainable solution to their relationship problems.
At first, it was messy and complicated. They wouldn’t last longer than a month before breaking up, same reasons why anyone would break up at sixteen: flirting with someone else, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, nothing radical. They began getting ill at ease with their relationship, bored as well, it was exhausting to finish a relationship they both knew would resurface again. And suddenly, as if they had been illuminated by God himself, they found what they needed, successfully satisfying their needs and meeting the appropriate requirements to continue their bond. They were casual, not exclusive. Basically friends, close friends, who occasionally fooled around, kissed, had fun, not sex though, Mary was recalcitrant about that, and she believed sex could only be done when it was out of love.
Sirius smiled at her as she spoke incessantly about her trip, her phone rung, and she immediately answered.
“Mhm,” Mary nodded as she listened. “Coming! They are downstairs, come on.”
He came downstairs with her, she fixed her hair and makeup, and tried to make it not so obvious what they had been doing, despite everyone in their friend group being aware of their dynamic.
What struck Sirius the most about her home, was the amount of paintings done by Mary which were hung on the wall, all made with such amount of detail and endearment: flowers, coasts, people, she liked to paint people the most, Sirius had had the honour, but it would’ve been weird if it had been displayed on Mary’s living room.
She opened the door, to find the familiar faces of their friends, Marlene, with her now shorter blonde hair and her usual eye-rolls towards his direction. James, with his messy hair and his grin of reassurance. And Peter and his laughter could make anyone almost instantly smile.
Marlene frowned at them as she realised Sirius had been summoned earlier than the rest, with one main purpose. James’ face enlightened with surprise, Sirius raised his arms and walked eagerly towards their direction,
“MY FELLAS!” he hollered as Mary tried to shush him in between giggles. “I missed you loads, this summer’s been hell without ya.”
“Don’t say that,” Peter replied as he rubbed his back.
“It probably was worse than that,” James added, Sirius hit him in the head. “Fuck you.”
“Good to see you too, Marls,” Sirius smirked as he pulled her in for a hug.
As he held her tight, he noticed an additional person standing on the entrance. Bright red hair, green piercing eyes, with a dress and boots. Sirius almost perceived her shyness and snorted. Mary was already hugging her as if they knew each other from always.
“And you must be Lily,” Sirius said, approaching to kiss the girl on the cheek. “You’ll join us at Saint Mary’s this year, right?” Lily nodded silently. “Don’t worry, with a compelling face like yours, you won’t have a single problem.”
“Sirius!” Marlene scolded.
Lily frowned, and that lovely face turned into a face that emanated disgust and fury. What was so wrong about what he said? Mary would’ve definitely laughed, it was a welcome, a proper one, full of hope and dreams. She would be successful, undoubtedly.
“Apologies,” he said.
“Mary, aren’t you gonna make us that drink? Or we brought all of this for nothing?” James asked.
“Sure, follow me.”
Maybe she was a feminist, Marlene was one, and apparently, everything that came out of his mouth was somewhat offensive. To Sirius’ taste, humour would disappear with people like that walking freely. He hadn’t said anything harmful, he hadn’t meant that, the girl was pretty, that was the end of the story.
“You didn’t have to be a complete wanker,” Marlene whispered once Lily got ahead of them.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt her or anything, if you could call that compliment something hurtful.”
“It’s not, it just makes you look like a dick. And by association, we are as well.”
“Nah… look at her and Mary, chatting like they had known each other for their entire lives,” Sirius replied.
Mary and Lily were already laughing as Mary prepared the drink, she was like that, appealing to everyone. She was the predeterminated crush of every boy in the school, she was sweet and great at making people have fun. A ray of sunlight. Lily seemed a bit more comfortable with the whole situation, the fact that everyone was talking with each other instead of interrogating her in an awkward silence, was way better.
They mixed everything they had brought to the house, Sirius had forgotten about the orange juice, but that didn’t seem to bother Mary much, she was already mingling and having a blast with the special guest.
Sirius made use of the party already happening and chose to sneak into the bathroom. His therapist had recommended writing down what happened in the course of the day and what he felt. He soon realised that the easiest thing to talk about without involving so many complicated feelings, was Mary. The only thing he had talked about -though he did it very briefly, since his time was mostly spent in mocking the therapist- was their relationship. How it started it, how it had been, how it ended, and in what it had transformed. So, he wrote down their reunion after a month or so of not seeing each other.
He took his phone out of his pocket and began:
Mary is looking better than ever, summer always suits her fine. I missed her as much as I missed the rest of my friends. We kiss as if we were still dating, but it’s weird, cause we are friends. She openly talked to me about another bloke, but it was fine.
What else?
We are going to a party, I want to snog her????????
Sometimes, whenever he wasn’t acting too self-centered and arrogant, he thought he was a bit lame. After so many sessions, it had felt weird not being able to tell that woman a single thing about himself that wasn’t utterly superficial. He knew he had layers and layers, and precious few people had been able to see through, but he didn’t have a clue of why it was so hard for him just to say it aloud.
Sirius sighed, it was easier to believe that was the way he had been brought up into the world. That it wasn’t his fault, and the most effortless of them all, that he couldn't change.
He stared at his reflection in the mirror, maybe his mother was right, and his hair was a bit longer than it should, but he would keep it the way it was for the simple pleasure that it brought him to annoy his mother. Being happy was so cheap, it was a matter of doing otherwise than Walburga had told him. He smiled to himself and opened the door in order to get out of the small room, still, immersed in his phone, and trying to think harder into something else he could say to his therapist so that he could do something else during their sessions that wasn’t dodging her questions entirely.
"Hey now, hey now... don't dream it's over... Christ!"
Out of the blue, Sirius bumped into a much larger individual he believed wasn't either James or Peter. Mary didn’t have any brothers that he knew of, and despite her arguments, Marlene wasn’t taller than Sirius. His sight moved upwards, just to meet with a very unfamiliar face. He looked harder, he had a large nose, brown eyes, and freckles. He was sure he had never seen that boy in his life. He frowned, he had a huge scar across his face, from his left cheek, and went to his nose, Sirius thought that maybe he had looked at that very pointedly, since the boy frowned as well, with visible annoyance.
“Err, sorry,” Sirius muttered as he saved his phone in his own jeans. He raised a hand, gesturing a vague apology. “You are…”
The guy blinked a few times as he kept staring at him pointedly. Sirius would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been so taken aback, was he drunk already, perhaps? He looked like the sort who would get high, but he wasn't certain of anything.
“Alright…” Sirius nodded. “Were waiting for too long?”
“What the fuck?”
Sirius felt stupid, again. Second time in the same evening, that was a ridiculous amount of insecurity, even when it had been provoked by a bloke he didn’t even know.
“The bathroom... okay, bye,” Sirius said as he turned around and walked away.
Mary was already serving her strange creation in plastic cups, since she had never trusted them with the glass ones. Marlene had already lightened a cigarette and placed it between her delicate lips. James handed him one of the drinks, and he laid against the kitchen table with him as he took a sip of it, it wasn’t half bad, but it wasn’t the masterpiece Mary promised.
“James?”
“Yes?”
“Who’s the bloke?”
“Who?”
He began to doubt what he replied when he asked who he was. It would’ve been bonkers if he had been a burglar. The bloke emerged from the bathroom, deadpan, and stood next to Lily.
“Oh,” James nodded. “That’s Remus.”
“Again, who?”
“Lily’s friend.”
“Oh,” he replied as he stared at him.
Remus remained silent as Mary told a fun story about one of the parties, she had saved that one for when the rest arrived, everyone laughed, as per usual. Remus did as well, his teeth slightly crooked, he and Lily looked at each other, Sirius hadn’t heard a bit of that story, so he was unaware of what had been so hilarious. Remus and him locked eyes, he gave him a funny look, and Sirius could sense they had immediately disliked each other.