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"Pen?" Sam rubbed his hands against his eyelids as he squinted at the time. 4:44 am. Which, if his math was right, meant that it had only been 30 minutes since Kendra had fallen asleep. If the snuffly noises and small cries on the baby monitor weren't just a hallucination (and really with the absolute lack of sleep Sam was getting with his two month old's complete disdain for a sleeping schedule, it could very well be), then his little girl hadn't slept very long.
Penny didn't hear him, her soft snores filling the air, just as they had an hour ago when the baby had woken up, and the time before that and the time before that. Just as they did every night. Sam sometimes wondered if Penny pretended she was sleeping just so he would get up, but he didn't mind.
Much.
He only really resented it when he had an opening shift at work the next day. Or when he reminded himself that she - even more than he - had chosen to be a parent. Apparently Penny hadn't thought through all that went along with it, happy to hand Kendra off at any opportunity.
And Sam had vowed to be the best damned father he could be.
He slid out of bed, careful not to disturb his wife, and slipped his feet into the pizza slice shaped slippers Sebastian had given him for his last birthday, trying to not think too much about how he missed his best friend.
Out of all the changes in his life this past year - knocking up his occasional friend-with-benefits, Penny, proposing to her, moving to a two bedroom apartment above the museum, getting married, holding his newborn baby girl for the first time - Sebastian moving away was the one he was having the hardest time adjusting to.
And not just because he was in love with him.
Really.
He cautiously opened the door of the nursery, wincing when it creaked. He cursed himself for not oiling the hinges any of the 63 days since Kendra had been born. He vowed to himself to fix that in the morning, already knowing he would forget. He tiptoed into the room in case Kendra was still sleeping, but was unsurprised when she stared up at him.
"Hey baby girl," Sam whispered, scooping Kendra up in his arms. "What's keeping you up tonight?" He ran through the usual - her diaper was clean, she didn't seem gassy, she didn't even seem hungry and he knew she had just finished a bottle of formula less than forty minutes ago.
Kendra cooed softly in his arms, snuggling against his chest as she studied him carefully. She was definitely wide awake.
"Well that makes one of us," Sam mumbled, suppressing a yawn. "I guess you just want some daddy-daughter time, huh, K?"
One day he would think of a better pet name for his daughter than "K". He'd tried a few, but none of them seemed to suit. Princess felt wrong, so did Angel. Frog was closer, but it reminded him of Sebastian and he was having a hard enough time forgetting him as it was. He shook his head, knowing that he'd figure something out, eventually.
He grabbed a threadbare blanket from the nightstand - one that his grandmother had knitted when he was a baby - and gently placed it over Kendra, tucking it between his chest and her body to help keep her warm as he brought her into the cooler air of the living room. He sank wearily into the rocking chair, humming to her quietly in a vain attempt to lull her back to sleep.
He traced his thumb along the tuft of strawberry blonde hair on her head and smiled contentedly. "I'm still not sure how something as absolutely perfect as you could be any part of me." Kendra seemed to smile back at him for a moment before letting out a small fart. Sam laughed. "Okay so maybe I can see some similarities."
He stood up again and grabbed a cloth from the side table. He expertly slung it over his shoulder, even though he already knew that if his daughter was going to spit up, it would land anywhere but on the cloth, and rubbed her back. He paced the length of the room a couple of times, before stopping at the window and looking outside.
"Hey K, look!" he said excitedly, "it's snowing!"
He turned his body so Kendra could see out the window, rocking her back and forth slightly in his arms. "Tomorrow we'll get you all bundled up in the pink snowsuit your Granny Pam got for you and we'll go outside so you can see it in daylight. If it snows enough, maybe we can take you for a sleigh ride too!"
Sam frowned a little. "If Mommy agrees," he added, his heart sinking a little. He already knew what the answer would be.
He was pretty sure Penny was suffering from postpartum depression, but she refused to go to the clinic for any kind of check up, insisting she was fine. Still… maybe she would surprise him. Or maybe he could get Maru to come over and keep Penny company while he took Kendra outside for a bit. Maru always seemed to cheer Penny up more than Sam ever could. Or maybe…
Sam's thoughts were cut off by a loud burp from Kendra which was immediately followed by a yawn. "You sleepy baby?" he murmured, wiping the mess off her chin. He pressed a kiss into her hair and looked at her again. Kendra's eyes were fluttering closed. "Alright," he said as he padded back to the bedroom, "let's try this again, Peanut."
Nope. That wasn't it either.
He changed her quickly, ignoring her small cries of protest, and then laid her back into her crib. "Sweet dreams, Kendra," he whispered, leaving the door open so it wouldn't creak again. "I love you."