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:::
Mike Chang never gave much thought to the idea of a best friend until he actually had one. To be honest, he didn't really get the purpose of them.
He gets along just fine with everybody and pretty much everyone likes Mike (except for maybe Tina's dad) but he wouldn't call any of them his best friend. He teaches Finn how to dance, sings boy band songs with Sam to impress Tina, tutors Puck in a few classes, and defies gravity by walking on lockers in the hallway while Artie sings so Mike can, you know, impress Tina. But he's not particularly close to any of them.
Then Blaine transfers from Dalton and it's a whole new ballgame.
:::
"Oh my god," Blaine moans. He's got his head in his hands and he's slumped over one of the back tables at the Lima Bean.
Mike is sitting across from him, watching.
"Oh my god," he says again. "They're probably alone right now."
Mike blinks. "Alone? Working on a pottery project for an art class?"
"Yes," Blaine whines some more. "They're probably alone at his house."
"At his house," Mike echoes. "It's pottery, Blaine. I'm sure he doesn't have a spare kiln just laying around his bedroom."
Blaine makes a ridiculous wounded noise that Mike finds completely excessive for the current situation but whatever. He stares at Blaine and wonders how the hell he got to this very moment.
:::
He thinks that this is probably how the story really starts:
Mike and Blaine have five things in common, three of which are very important. Mike believes it's because of these three things that they become best friends.
Firstly, they agree to never cross the boundaries when it comes to significant others. Blaine promises that he will never hit on Tina or make any kind of move on her whatsoever. Mike is very grateful because it's not something to take lightly and because New Directions, as a whole, is pretty incestuous. They've all dated each other or made out with each other or god, cheated on each other in so many combinations that Mike thinks some kind of pie chart or Venn diagram would really help, one that he could laminate and keep in his back pocket, maybe. Mike is completely certain that no other male in New Directions would make that promise (and neither would some of the girls) so he's pretty impressed by it. Unfortunately, this is not something Mike can promise in return when it comes to not hitting on Blaine's significant other (well okay, yes he can and he does) because it really doesn't hold the same weight. Instead, Mike promises to watch out for any suspicious behavior and keep his eyes open for anyone being inappropriate towards Kurt. It not like Blaine doesn't trust Kurt or anything; he just likes to know that someone else has their eye on him in case some lower-classman starts getting handsy. Mike isn't worried about it, though, because he's pretty sure that it'll never be an issue. Not he thinks Kurt's not good enough to hit on (because Mike's a pretty huge fan of Kurt, actually); it's just that McKinley's not teeming with gay kids ready to swarm him.
So that's the first thing. It comes into play later.
The second thing is the fact that generally, Mike and Blaine are two rational, reasonable people. It's all relative, of course, because they're surrounded by kids in a glee club, kids that are obviously predisposed to be dramatic and theatrical and all that. Yeah, sure, Blaine likes his show faces and throwing calculus homework around the room for dramatic effect and yeah, Mike knows how to toss people over his head and draw crazy attention to dance moves that anybody with a spinal cord should not be able to do but that's only when they're performing. When they're on, they're both way on but when they're off, they know how to sit there and be rational and watch everyone else make asses of themselves in the middle of a glee practice. All in all, they know how to be calm and collected.
That's the second thing. It also comes into play later.
The third thing is that they're both kind of embarrassingly smitten. At any point, any number of New Directions members could be described as incredibly smitten but it's just that Mike and Blaine are the most obvious about it. It's not like Mike tries to hide how into Tina he is and he would never call himself whipped (not out loud) but yeah, he likes to let her do pretty much whatever she wants (within reason, naturally) so that he can see her smile and know that he made her that happy. And Blaine is definitely just as bad. It's not like he lets Kurt get his way all of the time or anything but Blaine just seems perpetually amused by his boyfriend. Kurt will do something or say something or hell, wear something so over-the-top and Blaine just watches him and smiles like it's the coolest thing he's ever seen. Kurt seems like he's trying to make some big adventure out his life and Blaine seems like he's so pumped to be invited along for the ride. Even if Blaine wasn't his best friend, Mike would still probably find it as a pretty awesome way to treat a relationship. So yeah, the two of them are sort of lost causes but at least they're aware of it.
That's the third thing. It comes into play at the end.
(The fourth thing is that when they get drunk at parties in Rachel Berry's basement, they're both prone to making out with girls. Blaine always insists that if it happens one time then it really doesn't count as something they have in common. Then he gets kind of annoyed so Mike doesn't mention it much. It's irrelevant to this story.)
(The fifth is cardigans. They both really like cardigans. Also irrelevant.)
:::
So it all starts with the first thing, the thing that Mike thought he'd never have to deal with ever. He's on his way to his locker to grab a notebook for his study hall when he sees some guy at Kurt's locker like, hovering over him. Mike stops in the middle of the hallway to watch because he promised to report any suspicious behavior and if Mike's not mistaken, this is suspicious behavior.
It's some guy Mike's never seen before and he's standing like, way in Kurt's personal space. If some guy was leaning into Tina the way this guy's leaning into Kurt, Mike would sort of be freaking out but he thinks hey, maybe gay teenagers have a different take on boundaries and socially acceptable personal bubbles so he holds off on making any snap judgments.
He's leaning against the locker next to Kurt's and he's got his arm sort of draped over the top of Kurt's locker door. It seems a little too personal to be normal but Mike's still trying not to make any hasty assumptions so he keeps watching.
Eventually Kurt closes his locker and waves goodbye to the mystery guy. Mike realizes that unfortunately, he hasn't seen enough of the situation to know whether or not he should report it to Blaine as suspicious behavior.
But then Mike sees the mystery guy watch Kurt walk away, like watch watch him, and he's smiling super appreciatively so yeah, he knows that this counts as suspicious behavior.
:::
Blaine's flipping through a few pages of his AP Government book and standing in front of his open locker when Mike walks up to him. He doesn't look up.
"I have a question for you," Mike tells him.
"Okay," Blaine says, eyes still on his book.
"I need for you to tell me if this is flirting or not."
Blaine looks up and he's got an amused and/or confused look on his face. "Okay," he says slowly.
"So if a guy was doing this to another guy," he starts, "would it be considered flirting?" He assumes the mystery guy's position and hangs his arm over Blaine's open locker door. And then he kind of gets uncomfortably close to Blaine. He momentarily wishes he had some Tic Tacs or something because he remembers eating garlic bread for lunch.
Blaine eyes him. "Uh, what?"
"Flirting," Mike repeats. "If a guy was doing this to another guy, would it be considered flirting?"
He raises an eyebrow. "You did that to some guy?"
"No, not me," Mike clarifies. "It was a -- a friend."
"Uh huh," Blaine says.
"It was."
"Hey, I don't judge, Mike." He gestures to the space between (even though there's not a lot of it, which is still kind of awkward) and says, "This is a judgment free zone."
He sighs. "I swear, it was -- a friend."
"Fine," Blaine replies as he returns to reading his book. "Tell your "friend" that yes, it's definitely flirting." Mike really does not appreciate the air quotes.
"Definitely?" he asks.
"Beyond question," he answers. "Now move, you're kind of weirding me out."
Mike steels himself. "Well then there's something you should know."
Blaine hums and Mike can tell he's only half paying attention.
"A person was … doing that."
Blaine nods slightly and Mike can tell that now he's paying even less than half the attention that this conversation deserves.
"... to Kurt," he finishes.
Blaine's hand stills. "A person?" he asks. "Or a guy?"
"Technically a guy is a person," Mike points out.
"Mike," he warns as he looks up from his book.
"A guy," he says. "A guy was doing that."
Blaine thinks for a minute. "Who?" he asks. He's going for nonchalant and fails hard.
He shrugs. "I don't know; I've never seen him before."
"Is he new here?" He tilts his head and he's starting to look less and less nonchalant.
"I don't know," he repeats. "I've never seen him before."
"Is he gay?"
"I don't know," he repeats yet again. "I've never seen him before."
"Hm. Does Kurt know him?"
Mike blinks. "Blaine, you can keep asking me these questions but my answer is going to keep being the same: I don't know because I've never seen him before."
Blaine shuts his book as the bell rings for seventh period. "Hm," he says again.
Mike watches him. "Are you okay? You look sort of … weird."
"I'm fine," he says in a tone that so so doesn't sound fine. "I think we should get coffee after school today. You up for it?"
"Sure," Mike says slowly. He's kind of worried and feels like maybe he needs to hang out with Blaine to make sure he doesn't like, eat Kurt's shampoo.
"So what's this guy look like?" Blaine asks suddenly.
He has to think about it for a minute. "I don't know. He looked kind of … muscular and tall maybe?" Mike knows he's a little on the thin side and Blaine definitely knows he's a little on the short side so it's things like this that they notice.
"Oh god," Blaine says under his breath. And then in his normal voice: "What else?"
He shrugs. "I don't know. His hair kind of looked like Bradley Cooper's."
His eyes get wide. "Like, the windblown sophisticated surfer look? I cannot pull that off."
"No," he says. "I mean like … brown."
"Oh," he sighs. "Was he hot?"
And that question he cannot answer. Not because he can't objectively see if another guy is attractive but because Mike's dating Tina and Blaine is dating Kurt and hello, they do not have the same taste at all. "Maybe?" he says. "He was far away but it looked like he had like, eyes. Good eyes."
Blaine starts gaping and Mike's confused at how quickly and intensely he's freaking out because he's not even giving Blaine any good information to work with. Truthfully, Mike's a little disappointed at how hard he's failing at this. He figures that he really needs to learn how to describe guys better if he's going to keep being Blaine's best friend. He deserves at least that much.
:::
Then the second thing comes into play, the thing about Mike and Blaine being two relatively reasonable, rational teenagers. It comes into play because Blaine completely and totally forgets this.
"I saw him," Blaine moans into his medium drip. "He totally does have the sophisticated windblown surfer look."
Mike clears his throat. He's never seen Blaine like this and quite honestly, he doesn't know what to say.
"They're partners," Blaine says like maybe he hasn't already told Mike three times. "They're working on a pottery assignment. God, it's going to be exactly like that scene in Ghost where they're huddled together and like, holding each other."
"Isn't one of them dead?" Mike asks. "So not exactly like that scene, really."
Blaine ignores him. "I could have been his partner," he says. "Why didn't he ask me to be his partner?"
"You don't take art," he points out. "So that's probably the main reason."
Blaine ignores him again.
And this is where we came into the story, this is how Mike finds himself sitting at a table in a coffee shop trying to think of a way to let Blaine know that he's sort of being a head case without actually, you know, calling him a head case.
"Oh my god," Blaine moans. He drops his head in his hands and slumps over the table.
Mike sits and watches.
"Oh my god," he says again. "They're probably alone right now."
Mike blinks. "Alone? Working on a pottery project for an art class?"
"Yes," Blaine whines some more. "They're probably alone at his house."
"At his house," Mike echoes. "It's pottery, Blaine. I don't think he has a spare kiln just laying around his bedroom."
Blaine makes a ridiculous wounded noise that Mike finds totally uncalled for but Blaine has made it perfectly clear that he has no regard for logic or reason today.
"We need a plan," he says, looking up. "Like, a plan to prevent whatever is about to go down."
"Okay," Mike says slowly. "What do --"
Blaine's phone starts to vibrate and he interrupts Mike. "Kurt's coming here," Blaine tells him. "He said he's on his way."
"Okay," Mike says. "Isn't this a good thing?"
"How is this a good thing?" he asks, eyes wide.
"Well," he answers calmly, "it means that they're not alone in this guy's bedroom holding each other in front of a kiln, right?"
Blaine blinks. "How are you so calm about this?" he asks sounding very serious. "Kurt is coming to break up with me."
"Blaine. Blaine. You are being ridiculous. I feel like I don't even know who you are."
But he's staring at Mike looking sort of spooked so he sighs and takes pity on him. "Okay, fine," he says as he grabs some paper and a pen from his bookbag. "Let's come up with a plan."
He writes "Plan A" on the top of the paper.
"Plan A?" Blaine chokes out. "That implies that there is a plan B and just, no. Plan B is Kurt breaking up with me and that is not an option. Not an option."
Mike blinks some more because seriously, who is this guy?
He scribbles out the title and writes "Operation: No Man Left Behind". Blaine sighs in relief.
Mike hands him the pen and slides the paper across the table. "Here, it's your plan."
He nods and thinks for a minute.
He writes down, "Number one: Name?"
"Oh," Mike says. "It's Brian. You can cross that one off."
Blaine takes a deep breath and scribbles it out. Then he writes, "Number two: Transfer?"
"I know that one, too. Tina said his family just moved here from Cleveland so. Yeah. He's a transfer."
Blaine scribbles it out and stares at Mike. "Anything else you know?"
"No," he answers.
Blaine sighs and writes, "Number three: Single and/or interested in my boyfriend?"
Mike hesitates. This is what he's been dreading. "Okay, I know that one, too."
Blaine glares at him.
"Tina says … well, she says that he's already asked about Kurt. He asked her if he was single."
Blaine's jaw drops. "What? Why didn't you tell me this?"
He shrugs. "The school nurse is out today. I didn't want you to hyperventilate or have a panic attack without a licensed professional there to help." He gestures around the coffee shop. "I figure it's safer here because they make their employees take a First Aid training course." Mike is practical; safety first.
He hangs his head. "Oh my god. I am so screwed."
"What are you so afraid of?" Mike asks, something he's been wondering all day.
"He's never even met another gay kid," Blaine says miserably. Mike thinks he sounds incredibly melodramatic but also thinks if there's one person you can be miserable and melodramatic around, it's your best friend.
"Okay, and?"
"And," he says forcefully, "Now he's meeting another one. Who is taller. And has better hair."
Mike tilts his head. "I'm pretty sure that Kurt's pretty ambivalent about both of those things."
"Really?" he asks, raising his head.
"Yeah," he answers. "I think he likes you because you sing songs to him and wear nice cardigans and see musicals with him."
"Yeah," Blaine says. "That's true. I do those things."
He scribbles out number three and writes, "Number four: Look for a song by Michael Bolton. Find tickets to the Ice Capades. Buy more cardigans."
Okay, not exactly what Mike was aiming for but he'll take what he can get.
:::
"Let's Google him," Blaine suggests. "Find out his address."
"Uh, no. I think I'm drawing the line at cyber stalking."
"Technically that's actual stalking," Blaine says. "Give it some thought and then get back to me."
Mike gives him a considering look. "And you wonder why I didn't want to tell you that Brian's into Kurt."
Blaine blinks at him and really doesn't seem to think that there's anything wrong with his behavior. "And if the situation was reversed you wouldn't be handling it the same way?"
"No." Mike is very confident in this.
He shrugs and goes back to his operation outline. He puts "Google address" under the column for potential ideas.
Mike decides that maybe he needs another coffee and is suddenly grateful that they're sitting in a Lima Bean because this whole thing seems a lot less creepy knowing that it's taking place in a public setting and not like, in some sketchy basement.
Blaine's head shoots up suddenly and looks terrified. "What if he has his own island?"
Mike is stunned speechless for a minute. "What?"
"You know, like what if he owns an island in the Carribean somewhere? I so can't complete with that."
"Where are you coming up with these things, Blaine?"
Blaine still looks borderline-terrified.
"He's seventeen. He's from Cleveland. What about that makes you think, 'Oh he probably owns an island'?
"I don't know," Blaine whispers but he's sounding less terrified so Mike doesn't push it anymore. He's mostly just glad Blaine doesn't put "Buy an island" under the column for potential ideas.
"What if I'm making this all up and making a bigger deal than it is?" Blaine says after a few minutes. "I mean, maybe he's not gay. What if he's not even into Kurt?"
"Yes, you're definitely making this a bigger deal than it is," Mike says, and Blaine lets out a huge sigh of relief. "But uh, no, he is gay and he is into Kurt." Mike realizes belatedly that it probably wasn't the right thing to say because Blaine's got that slightly-terrified look again.
"I'm just saying that all this island-owning stuff is a bit over-the-top. I doubt he would need his own island to woo Kurt."
He widens his eyes. "You think he's trying to woo Kurt?"
"No," Mike says quickly. "I'm just saying that if he was, he wouldn't need his own island to do it. And I'm just saying that even if Kurt's alone with an attractive guy that probably has a crush on your boyfriend, it's not something to get worked up about."
Blaine sort of looks horrified. "Why are you making this worse?"
Mike decides that it's now a good time to get up and buy another cup of coffee.
:::
Kurt comes in ten minutes later and Mike discretely hides the operation outline as Blaine sort of freezes.
"Hey," he says brightly as he takes the seat next to Blaine. Blaine doesn't say anything back until Mike nudges him under the table.
"Hi," Blaine says. It sounds stilted and Mike inwardly cringes with second hand awkwardness.
Kurt eyes him. "So what are you two doing?"
"Nothing," the say in unison and dear god they need to work on being a little less obvious. Neither of them will ever be working undercover for the FBI, that's for sure.
"Okay," he says slowly. "Well, I'll leave you two be then."
He stares at them for a few more moments.
"So where are you headed?" Blaine asks finally, feigning indifference and once again, failing so so hard. "He doesn't have a kiln, right?"
Kurt gapes at him. "Wait what?"
"Nothing," Blaine says quickly.
"Was that something about a kiln?"
"No," they say in unison again. Mike hangs his head in disappointment about their inability to be stealthy.
"Okay," he says again, very slowly, like maybe he's talking to a child. It's obvious he has no idea as to what's happening in this conversation.
Mike and Blaine are quiet.
"Well, I'm going shopping with Finn," Kurt explains while he side-eyes them both pretty hard. "He needs to buy Rachel a make-up gift because apparently they broke up. And got back together again."
Mike knows that his pocket-sized laminated Venn diagram would have been very useful right about now.
"Right," Blaine laughs. He almost sounds like the creepy Lion King hyenas. "Of course."
Kurt blinks. "Okay, Blaine?"
"Yeah?"
"You are freaking me out right now. I'm going shopping with Finn and when I'm done, I really hope you're less spastic. Because that would really be great."
Kurt shakes his head and pats Blaine's hand where it sits on the table before he leaves.
"Oh my god," Blaine whines as soon as Kurt is gone. "Now he thinks I'm crazy. I'm driving him right into the emotionally stable arms of a another man!"
Mike hands the paper over and says, "Okay, we really need to develop this plan by tomorrow. We just took a few steps back. That conversation was not pretty."
:::
By the next morning, he and Blaine have an amazing operation planned. It originally included those cool throwing Chinese throwing stars as part of the epic display they've prepared to impress Kurt but that part got removed because a) throwing stars are hard to find on short notice, b) they probably wouldn't have made it past the metal detectors, c) that might be taking it little far and d) Blaine has no idea how to use Chinese throwing stars.
Before they can put their plan into action, though, Kurt walks up to Blaine's locker and stands in front of the two of them.
"So I think the new guy might have a thing for you," Kurt says casually. Mike can tell he actually is casual and not faking it (but perpetually failing) like Mike's best friend seems to be doing a lot lately.
"Oh?" Blaine chokes, trying to hide their operation outline in his locker.
Kurt thinks for a minute. "Did I tell you that there's a new guy? Maybe I forgot to tell you. We're partnered up for my art assignment."
"What?" Blaine asks quickly. "No. There's a new kid? No. I did not know that. Did you know that, Mike?"
"I did not know that, Blaine. I did not know that there was a new kid taking art. Partnered with Kurt."
Kurt watches them, mouth open to continue his story but looking kind of freaked out again.
"Right," he says finally. "Well anyway, he was asking me all of these weird questions about you."
Blaine chokes again. "What?"
"He was asking how long we've been dating and if we've ever talked about seeing other people."
Blaine stares at him, horrified.
"I know, right?" Kurt asks, totally oblivious to his boyfriend having a quasi breakdown in front of him. "He was telling me all about his Bentley and then asked what kind of car you drove. And he was talking about how he was quarterback at his old school and then asked about what sports you played."
Mike watches as Blaine's quasi-breakdown starts veering towards a full fledged breakdown. "What did you say?" Blaine says finally, his face getting kind of red. Mike really really hopes the school nurse is back today.
"What do you mean? I told him we were in love, thank you very much, and that I would appreciate for him to not hit on someone that is clearly taken. I mean, he knew you and I were dating even before he started asking all of those questions about you."
Blaine silent for a minute. "How did he know you had a boyfriend?"
"Because we were talking about you after class. He walked me to my locker and saw your picture."
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Kurt says, suddenly looking sort of dazed. "The one at prom."
Blaine blinks and Kurt turns to face him, still looking kind of dreamy. "You look really good in a tux, you know. I told him as much."
"You did?"
"Of course," he says, fixing his hair in front of the mirror in Blaine's locker and barely paying attention. "But I have to admit that even if hitting on someone with a boyfriend is incredibly gauche, I'd probably hit on you even if you were taken, too."
Mike watches Blaine slowly start to smile. "You'd hit on me?"
"Of course," he says again.
"You never hit on me before we got together, though," Blaine points out. "I can't really picture you hitting on anyone, actually."
Kurt raises an eyebrow. "I wouldn't. But if I were the type of person that would hit on someone, I would have hit on you."
Blaine's all out beaming now.
Mike's happy for Blaine, sure, but he's marginally disappointed that the two of them won't get to put their plan into action. It was awesome. All that work and all of Blaine's groaning and whining and it's all over in like, two minutes. So anti-climactic.
Kurt's done with Blaine's mirror and they start staring at each other and sharing weird, goofy smiles. Mike would feel weird about intruding if he hadn't seen it like, a million times before. Those first few double dates were awkward, not so much anymore. Mike thinks of asking him if he has any idea what he put his boyfriend through yesterday just so maybe Kurt will know how crazy Blaine is about him. It would probably be a blow to Blaine's pride and/or dignity, though, and judging by the way they're swooning, Mike figures Kurt already knows anyway.
So he turns to head back to his own locker before the first bell and when he hears Kurt say, "I love you", he suddenly doesn't feel disappointed at all about not getting to use their epic plan.
:::
And then the third thing comes into play.
Blaine remembers how in love they are. He's smitten and being incredibly obvious about it again, showering Kurt with attention like he's trying to make up for all of the years he never got any. Kurt's smiling at him and saying things about his breathtaking and moving solos. And they start getting handsy in the back of the classroom until Mr. Schue once again has to tell them to focus on the assignment.
:::
Naturally, there's an epilogue. It takes place two weeks later:
"How are you so calm about this?" Mike asks him. "Tina is coming here to break up with me."
Blaine sighs. "Mike. Mike. You're completely irrational right now. Let's take a deep breath."
"I need to come up with an interpretive dance," he says suddenly. "A really good one."
Blaine watches him. "What are you so afraid of?"
"Oh my god," Mike says. "I was the only Asian in our grade! Now there's another one, one who plays the guitar and writes poetry."
"Yeah, I don't think Tina cares about those things," Blaine says calmly. "I think she likes you because you listen to her and choreograph interpretive dances about your relationship and wear classy cardigans."
And then sits with him in the Lima Bean and reassures him a little more while helps Mike come up with a more constructive way to handle the situation (one that sadly does not involve Chinese throwing stars) which, by the way, is completely resolved the next day in five minutes when Tina sings a song during glee club about how awesome her boyfriend is. Again, so anti-climactic.
When she's done, Mike glances over to Blaine. He's giving Mike a supportive smile and Mike thinks, Oh this why people have best friends.