Work Text:
Messaging History with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
October 27, 2009
You
4:58 p.m
Dazai
dazai where did you go
everyone says you're missing
where are you
you better not have killed yourself
i haven't seen you since you went to go find oda
where the fuck are you
Delivered: 4:59 p.m
You
6:34 p.m
are you alive?
did you find oda?
just lmk if you're okay
only i'm allowed to kill you remember? that was our deal. you aren't allowed to kill yourself
not now
please
Delivered: 6:35 p.m
You
6:35 p.m
STOP LEAVING ME ON DELIVERED AND ANSWER ME GODDAMN IT
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE THERE
PLEASE
mackerel
i'll kill you myself if you come back
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
November 1, 2009
You
1:05 a.m
you promised to spent halloween with me
liar
where are you?
come back
if you don't come back i'll find you
Delivered: 1:06 p.m
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
November 14, 2009
You
9:00 p.m
Dazai please.
I've had an unbelievably shitty day
if you're alive please text me back
please.
come back.
Delivered: 9:00 p.m
Chuuya sobbed into his hands, curled into a ball on his couch. Where was his stupid partner? Chuuya missed him. No, Chuuya needed him. As much as Dazai pissed him off the bandaged bastard was the only one that kept Chuuya somewhat sane.
"Are you dead?" Chuuya whispered into the silence.
Maybe his suicide plans finally worked.
Who would keep Chuuya from collapsing now?
Eventually, the messages stopped delivering.
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
December 2, 2009
You
7:00 a.m
Dazai
i haven't heard from you in a month
most of us think you're dead
i don't
yet, at least
give me a sign that you're alive. anything.
…
…
…
I don't think I can do this without you.
Not Delivered
The first couple times, Chuuya managed to convince himself that Dazai's phone was dead. That he hadn't actually died.
But…
Chuuya was so mad. But he was also sad. So incredibly sad— and…
He cried almost every night, holding one of Dazai's old coats in his arms, inhaling his scent.
The smell of him just made Chuuya cry harder. But it comforted him in a way.
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
January 20, 2010
You
11:03 a.m
i hate you, you know
you just left me
to fucking die
nobody's even heard from you in almost three months
are you dead?
Not Delivered
You
4:44 p.m
dazai
i found akutagawa crying today
i know you didn't really like him
but i know you cared a little
even kouyou misses you
though shes mad
like me
you dick
Chuuya sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a breath.
"Chuuya, darling, I think you need to let him go." Kouyou suggested softly, her eyes just as kind as her tone. Despite Double Black constantly bickering and arguing, she knew how deeply they cared for each other.
"How?" Chuuya asked, voice cracking.
How?
That was the question.
Eventually, the news broke that Oda Sakunosuke died the week that Dazai disappeared. Had they died together? Fighting?
Chuuya knew that he went to look for Oda… had… they…
That news being broken was only fuel to the fire, and fuel to the thoughts that Dazai was dead. And fuel to Chuuya's growing anger. He was starting to genuinely hate Dazai… or at least that was what he was convincing himself that he felt.
He also felt guilt.
Because Dazai was dead… and if Chuuya had gone with him to see Oda, maybe… maybe he'd be alive because Chuuya would have been able to protect him.
Maybe Chuuya, with all of his power and abilities, would have been able to save his partner. But he hadn't been there, so now Dazai was dead. Dead, and Chuuya would never be able to tell him the three words that had been on the tip of his tongue for years.
Years.
All he'd wanted to tell him was that, but Dazai was too annoying and too much of a bastard for it to be easy to formulate a soft enough moment for him to say it.
And now he never would be able to.
Not even if he screamed it to the world, Dazai would never know.
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
February 8, 2010
You
5:30 p.m
hey
if you… even see this… somehow
ive wanted to tell you something for a while
but…
this isn't a good time to say it, is it
BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DIED
you asshole
Not Delivered
You
6:15 p.m
come back home
please
Not Delivered
A year passed without Chuuya messaging Dazai again. He still thought of him far too much, but he channelled his anger at the bandaged freak into his work or missions. He wanted to put Dazai behind him to the best of his ability.
Though that was turning out to be practically impossible, apparently.
Because Dazai was always in the back of his mind like a ghost.
And sometimes, Chuuya would wait on his couch in the basement of the Port Mafia headquarters, waiting to hear the familiar three-beat knock on his door that he used to hear almost every night. He'd resented that sound for as long as he'd known the guy, but now that he thought about it, he missed it.
So much.
Knock, knock, knock.
"Chiiiibiii~" Dazai had drawled every time. "I'm coming in!"
"No the fuck you aren't!" Chuuya had shouted, not moving from his post on the couch. He never stopped Dazai from entering his home.
"Yes the fuck I am~"
And then the door would swing open, revealing the bandaged freak in black, smirking.
Every time.
But that wouldn't happen anymore.
As much as Chuuya wanted it to.
It never would.
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
July 5, 2011
You
3:30 p.m
it's been almost two years
i'm pretty confident you'll never see these, well.. cuz ur dead
Not Delivered
You
3:31 p.m
Kouyou tried to convince me to remove the heart from your contact name
did you know i put one there?
you really mattered to me, yknow
i said no because then it feels like you're really gone
don't get me wrong, sometimes i get so mad that i want to, i really do.
Not Delivered
You
3:34 p.m
but i honestly cared too much
i still do
i still care so much, and thats why i think it still hurts when i think of you
why i'll never delete your contact info
Not Delivered
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
July 25, 2011
You
5:11 p.m
i still have all of your old clothes
some of them still smell like you, surprisingly
…
…
the scent is fading tho
no you to make them smell better anymore
Not Delivered
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
July 30, 2011
You
11:11 a.m
make a wish, dazai
Not Delivered
Messaging history with: stinky mackerel (dazai ❤︎)
August 12, 2011
You
11:41 p.m
I loved you, Dazai.
Somehow I still do.
Not Delivered