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"I'm not very brave," Hyunjin finally says. He whispers it in the dark, shared only between them. Only to be heard by Seungmins ears.
Seungmin sits across from him. He doesn't reply quickly– doesn’t immediately have an answer. Hyunjin thinks he likes that most about Seungmin. How he weighs every word he says.
Once, Hyunjin had asked, curious, and when they were first getting to know each other. Their friendship was still so new then and Hyunjin was desperate to know everything about Seungmin. What made him tick.
Seungmin looked at him then and told him words held power so it was important to choose carefully.
Seungmin giggled and immediately after quoted Uncle Ben from Spider Man. Saying, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Seungmin's voice went deep and he held his pointer finger out as he said it.
Hyunjin couldn't help the cackle he let out. Seungmin has always been funny, especially back then. It seemed everything he did made Hyunjin laugh or smile.
It still does.
But then Minho, in the bunk over, groggy with sleep and upset at having been woken up, told them to go to bed. Hyunjin had quickly covered his mouth with his hand; guilty as charged to be the cause of their late night talk ending.
Seungmin had smiled, eyes crinkling knowingly.
“Hyung's right. Let's sleep.”
It's a fond memory. One he thinks of often. One he couldn't agree with more.
Words did hold power.
So Seungmin, to this day, takes his time sorting out his thoughts– to properly choose what he wants to say. He is always so serious in these moments. Always carefully, meticulously and repeatedly showing such deliberate care.
Hyunjin knows Seungmin has helped the other members too in this way and can't help but feel lucky. That he has Kim Seungmin in his life.
If he has any worries or has troubles he knows Seungmin would drop everything and be a shoulder for Hyunjin to rest his head on while he shares his struggles. If he needs advice, Seungmin is a singular floor down from him.
He always replies to Hyunjin's messages. Even if Hyunjin struggles with replying at times, Seungmin never gets upset– says he understands and he means it.
Vice versa. Hyunjin always wants to be there for Seungmin. In whatever way he needs or wants. If Hyunjin can do it, for Seungmin, he would.
Truly, there is no one like Kim Seungmin. He is irreplaceable. A fixture in Hyunjin's life he couldn't live without– can't exist without.
Hyunjin looks up and studies Seungmin. He's looking around the room, lost in thought. It's cute. A puppy whose mind never stops. But then Hyunjin’s eyes fall down to Seungmin’s lap and notices him picking at his nails. Hyunjin's brows furrow. He leans forward, taking Seungmins hands in his own, gently stopping the motions.
Seungmin looks down and back up at the action. Hyunjin is rewarded with a gentle smile, tinged with sadness, most likely caused by their conversation.
Seungmin opens his mouth and Hyunjin waits.
“We might have different definitions of bravery, Jinnie.” Is what Seungmin finally says.
It's simple and to the point. Hyunjin keeps holding Seungmins hands and doesn't move.
His attention stays on Seungmin and he listens.
“Because you're probably one of the bravest people I know.”
Hyunjin's mind disagree's. He really isn't. He's a coward and a big, dramatic baby.
Seungmin must know what Hyunjin's thinking though so he scolds him. “Nope. None of those thoughts. Be nice to my best friend right now.”
Hyunjin giggles. He can't help it. Seungmin always makes him laugh.
Seungmin hums and continues once he’s done playfully glaring at the elder. “I think it’s hard to see these things ourselves. Maybe because we can get so caught up in our own heads. In the spiral negative thoughts so often cause.”
Seungmin leans forward– just an inch, holding Hyunjin's gaze. It's barely anything but Hyunjin feels ablaze all the same.
“Everyday. You work hard. On your dance, on your voice, on your art. Everything you love, you give it your all. There hasn't been a single day I haven't known you where you haven't been brave.”
Hyunjin doesn't know what to say. His mouth feels sticky, unwilling to open.
Seungmin knows, somehow. He always does, so he doesn’t stop.
“And even when you don't think you're working hard. Or you're being too hard on yourself– having thoughts saying you're not doing enough. Even then. That too is brave.
I don't think bravery can be defined by what you do or don't do. It can mean something as simple as continuing to exist.”
Hyunjin can't help the tear that slips. Seungmin pulls one of his hands from Hyunjin’s own, quickly rubbing the droplet away with his thumb.
“–Whether you're sad and frustrated, or so overjoyed and alight with happiness; you're alive. I think that's the bravest thing anyone can do.”
Hyunjin squeezes Seungmins hand and leans into Seungmins palm cradling his face. He closes his eyes tightly, for fear more tears will fall.
Seungmin sighs, the one he does when he's worried. “You don't have to speak, yeah? But if you need to cry, you can cry. I'll still be here. I won't leave.”
Hyunjin knows. He knows better than anyone Seungmin won't leave. He will always stay. Through thick and thin. When things are good or when they're hard. No matter what.
He's never given Hyunjin a reason to worry he wouldn't.
Hyunjin can feel his lip faltering. He tugs on it with his top teeth and before he can take a ragged breath in, the tears fall.
Seungmin keeps holding his face and holding his hand. Rubbing gently over his ear and cheek. A soothing motion that makes Hyunjin cry harder.
He sobs it all out. His hatred with himself. His disappointment. All the thoughts telling him he was boggling down the group and getting in the way of their true success and happiness. His worries about not being able to truly succeed in anything because he couldn't be brave. And as he feels the force of his hurt begin to lift, Hyunjin focuses on Seungmins voice.
He's humming. It's one of Hyunjin's favorite songs by The Marías called Back to Me. Seungmin keeps the chorus on replay. No words, just a sound– a beacon for Hyunjin to cling to.
Seungmin is Hyunjin's beacon.
He thinks of the lyrics. They're sad and tell of the artist herself losing a love, missing her ex. In hindsight, it's one of the saddest songs Hyunjin knows.
He loves it all the same. Especially the chorus.
It goes. ‘I could build us a house. Down by the sea. I'd be there in a hurry. Baby, come back to me.’
Hyunjin isn't crying so hard now. But speaking still feels as if he has glass stuck in his throat. The words just won't form how he wants them to. He keeps opening and closing his mouth, trying.
Seungmin, who had his eyes closed, a way to give Hyunjin the smallest forms of privacy, opens them again and stops humming.
Seungmin shakes his head when he notices. “It's okay,” he tells Hyunjin. “You don't need to say anything.”
Hyunjin bites his lip. He wants to though. So badly. Sadly, he mouths, thank you. He's grateful for Seungmins patience. Wishes he could do more.
He takes both of Seungmins hands back into his own and squeezes twice. He read somewhere that means I love you.
And he does. Love Seungmin, that is. With everything he has. And whether he is deemed brave by others or even himself– Seungmin says he is. Just for being alive, he is brave.
Hyunjin trusts Seungmin. Believes in Seungmin.
So he takes what Seungmin says, and stores it away. Close to his heart. The same way he's done with everything else Seungmin, and so many others, have helped him.
Seungmin doesn't leave. He stays the night. Soft against the sheets as Seungmin tucks them both in and forms a little cocoon around them both.
Safe. Is what Hyunjin feels when his eyes begin to droop and he finds he can't keep them open any longer.
“Sleep, Jinnie. I'll still be here in the morning. We can go to that cafe you like too. Or stay in and I'll make us breakfast.”
Seungmin yawns. “Whatever you want. We can do it.”
And then Seungmin too, falls quickly to sleep, both their hands still intertwined.
Months later, and Seungmin has never left. Not once. Not for anything. He still stays. Even lingers a touch longer than usual.
And Hyunjin?
Hyunjin meets him halfway every time. He would never keep Seungmin waiting.
His short hair springs off his head as he laughs, bounding on stage towards Seungmin. Always back to Seungmin and his boys.
Back to Stray Kids.