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“Cole, am I not… grieving correctly?”
Cole blinked. Inhaled. Processed the question. Turned. Exhaled.
“What?”
Pixal clasped her hands in front of her, head slightly bowed. “Has my behavior led you to believe I don't miss Nya?”
“What?” Cole repeated like the broken record he is apparently, “Pix, no! ‘Course not. We all miss her. That's not… No.”
“So my ability to keep working does not bother you?”
“Of course not, Pix,” Cole frowned, “I know you miss her like the rest of us, you're just… different. You're good at keeping on track.”
“I see…” Pixal nodded slightly, “And you don't think Kai, Jay or Lloyd felt differently?”
Cole chewed his lip anxiously, crossing his arms, “Pix, what brought this all up?”
“Please be honest with me,” Pixal pleaded, finally meeting his eyes, “Could I have offended them by leading them to believe I did not care for her? Is that another reason why they left?”
“Never, Pix. That's… They left because… Look, it's hard getting up everyday and not seeing her here. Everything hurts a lot right now and we just… need a break from each other. This isn't anything new. It's what happened after…”
After they lost Zane. But she didn't know that. Because, unbeknownst to all of them, they had lost Pixal too.
Cole cursed under his breath, turning back to her. “We clash a lot when we miss someone.”
“Like Kai and Jay?”
“Yeah,” Cole nodded solemnly, “You haven't seen us like this before. Zane hadn't been gone that long when we found out he was sent to the Neverrealm, so I guess there just wasn't time to… boil over.”
“I see… I apologize for not being there when it did.”
“Don’t apologize for that, Pix,” acting without thinking really, Cole reached out to place a heavy hand on her shoulder, “If anything, I'm sorry. We should've been there for you. Things could've been different.” Things would have been different, he was sure of it. Zane and Pixal wouldn't have been taken. They never would have participated in that tournament. Garmadon wouldn't have sacrificed himself. Morro wouldn't have escaped the Cursed realm. He wouldn't have died–
It was almost funny how things linked up like that. How many chain reactions had they all caused in their lives?
Pixal gave him a bittersweet smile, “Apology accepted.” And with that, she turned to walk away.
“Hey, I'm serious,” Cole called after her, “What brought this all up?”
Pixal turned back around, hand idly pulling at her sleeve. Her eyes flicked down the hall in the direction of the sleeping quarters.
She hesitated to speak, which was shocking in and of itself because Pixal never hesitated. She was always so sure in what she was saying or doing. “Zane… informed me that… I didn't appear to care that Nya was gone. That he wished to be as productive as me.”
“He said that!” Cole snapped. It was baffling. Zane doesn't… He wouldn't…
Except… Zane was kind of an asshole right now. He doesn't have a guilty conscience to filter what he says. He doesn't have a filter at all.
He doesn’t care at all.
Cole's been on the wrong side of Zane’s words recently and it hurt. But everything hurts these days, so it just added to an already existing pile.
This time he hurt Pixal, the one person Zane was always supposed to stand by.
Cole would tear him a new one if it'd actually matter.
He took a calming breath. “Don't listen to a thing Zane says, Pix. He doesn't know what he's talking about.”
“On the contrary,” Pixal tilted her head, like she did whenever something didn't make sense to her, "His line of thinking is purely logical now. There is no emotion to cloud his findings.”
“He doesn't get to tell you how you feel, Pixal,” Cole shook his head, “Yeah, I know you'd talk through your feelings with him or whatever, but he doesn't just get to… decide for you. That's all up to you.”
Pixal looked to the floor, “I think… I understand.”
“That's good, Pixal.” Cole felt his shoulders sag with released tension, “You can grieve however you want. I'll never judge you for it. You… You're stronger than the rest of us, you know? Even Zane.”
Pixal thought over that for a moment, before meeting Cole’s eyes again. “Did you know in the days before Zane’s funeral, my father had to go through extensive surgery?”
Cole blinked, thinking back to those days so, so many years ago. “Uh… no? No, I didn't.”
“I'm not surprised,” Pixal hummed, “That was… a difficult period for everyone.”
“Yeah…”
“But the Overlord had forced so many modifications onto my father,” she explained, tone of voice surprisingly even, “To keep him in line. However, his comfort was not a concern for the Overlord, nor his health. Just as long as his heart remained beating and he could function, the Overlord didn't care what other damage he'd done to him.”
Cole thought back to when Dr. Borg found them alongside the rest of Ninjago City's citizens post blackout. Tubes and cords sticking out from his chest and abdomen. His entire arm covered in metal. He's ashamed to admit it, but back then, Cole didn't think anything of it. Even though it was obvious something had happened to Dr. Borg, he was too preoccupied with finding a way to defeat the Overlord, with reaching the Serpentine.
But… But he had Pixal with him, so it had to have been fine, right?
“Those machines were sewn deep into his flesh,” Pixal continued and Cole wanted to gag, “And with no power in the city, he couldn't get them removed. It wasn't until after Zane’s sacrifice that he was able to. And…” she took a breath, something Pixal never did physically because she knew it was a pointless action, “And I was grieving so hard back then. But… he needed me. He was so afraid. He was so, so afraid, Cole. When the Overlord changed him, he– he was awake.”
She brought a hand up to cup her mouth, before she let out something else she'd been keeping in for years.
She took another breath, steadying the tremble in her shoulders. “I couldn't make him go in alone. I… I was so scared of losing him too. I stood by his side the entire procedure. I even offered to help with it because I was built to assist and I knew I had the skills to.”
Pixal seemed to finally be breaking down. Cole watched as she wrapped a protective arm around herself, whether to soothe or contain herself, he wasn't sure. He couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen her like this before. He stretched a hand out and gently laid it across her arm.
“Hey, Pix?” he asked, “Can I give you a hug?”
She didn't even think about it. She just silently nodded and stepped forward into Cole’s embrace, despite the fact that she rarely touched people. She just wasn't the type for physical affection and he always understood that.
But now, it just seemed like she needed it. And he was always the one to keep the others steady. To keep his brothers and sister grounded when it'd all get to be too much for them.
He honestly thought he'd lost his touch when he couldn't keep Kai and Jay from going at each other's throats. When he couldn't keep Lloyd from leaving them all behind. And holding Pixal now painfully reminds him of another sister who doubted her place on the team and had to fight twice as hard to prove her worth to the world.
But Pixal is also clutching his shoulders like letting go will bring her physical pain. And so, he doesn't.
“Is… Is this why you've been running around so much?” he asked quietly. Because while he doesn't know the extent of it, he knows she's the only one who knows where Jay is right now. He also knows she's been monitoring Kai because his coping mechanisms are always violent. And he'll bet his life that she's been watching over Lloyd because he's their baby brother. He knows she's the only one keeping Zane alive because he literally cannot care whether he lives or dies right now. “You've been taking care of us…”
“Because I can't lose anyone else.”
“I understand, Pix,” he said, idly rubbing a hand across her shoulders. He wasn't sure if she could actually physically feel it, but Zane always seemed to appreciate a good pat on the back, so there had to be some sort of sensor in there that registered the touch. “You keep yourself busy, so you don't lose your head. Just don't overwork yourself please. You… You're my sister too. We take care of each other."
Pixal pulled back to look him in the eye, an airy laugh escaping her. “That's… That's exactly what she said.”
And Cole can't help but laugh too. Because he misses her and it hurts so much, but this… this hurts in a good way. “She knew what she was talking about. I'm glad you're here, Pix.”
“And I you, Cole,” Pixal nodded, “I've never been great with labels, not like all of you, but I'm glad you're here for me. That you've made me feel accepted.”
“You're part of my family, Pix. I won't leave you behind.”
“And I will give you the space you need.”
Cole sighed, “I'm sorry about that.”
She shook her head, “You said it yourself. We all mourn differently. You needed a break from all this. I understand.”
“Thanks, Pix.”
They separated fully. Pixal brushed herself off, straightening herself until she was collected enough to get back to work.
It wasn't going to get any easier, Cole knew that. He's mourned so many times before, but something he never realized after he lost his mother and Zane was that maybe it wasn't space he needed. He needed someone else to shoulder the burden of grief with him.
Because hurting together was a bittersweet sting. It'd take a long time to heal, but it wasn't as hollow as mourning alone.