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Courfeyrac loves Jehan, but he hates being bored. He knows he promised Jehan to wait until he’s finished with his classes to play the game, but since the poet is in class, Courfeyac has nothing to do. He opens the game.
It takes forever to load and install (a forever which Courfeyrac spends making lunch), but when it finally starts, he quickly abandons the boiling water (for pasta, yum) and starts checking out the game. It’s the Sims 2 (a little out-dated, he knows, but he’s a college student. Cheap entertainment is the best entertainment). He quickly creates a family that’s loosely based on him and Jehan (he’s named himself Ryder and Jehan is Kitty (much to Jehan’s chagrin, Coufeyrac will find once his little poet comes back home). They have two children: a small brunette named Princess and her twin brother Norbert (Courfeyrac had a stunning lack of pets as a child). They live in an adorable, yet modest home in a nice neighborhood with a nightly community watch. Kitty is a novelist and Ryder is an all-star soccer plaer. Courfeyrac imagines them to be very happy. He’s in a happy (albeit fictional) daze, so he doesn’t hear Grantaire coming down the stairs or walking up behind him and peering over his shoulder.
“So, what’s this?”
“Uh, the Sims 2…?” Courfeyrac says hesistantly.
Grantaire smirks. “That’s what I thought.” He pulls another chair up to the table and forces Courfeyrac to scoot over
(“Grantaire, this is my game.”
“Actually, I’m pretty sure you got this with Jehan. And you’re doing it wrong.”)
Grantaire takes over the mouse and exits to the main menu without saving.
“Grantaire,” Courfeyrac tries to protest, but Grantaire continues without acknowledging Courfeyrac’s pitiful mewling.
“First rule of Sims, you always make your entire group of friends. Not fictional dream children,” he states while quickly putting the finishing touches on Bahorel. Courfeyrac nods.
“Second rule,” Grantaire doesn’t turn away from the screen, “You always use their actual names. None of this pet name shit, got it?” Grantaire glances away from the screen to make sure Courfeyrac is actually listening, and turns back when he sees his friend nod. He continues. “The exception to this rule is that you’re allowed to use something else as long as it’s clever and insulting. Like…” he trails off, considering his options. “Like if we named Enjolras ‘Stick Up My Ass.”
“Or Napoleon,” Courfeyrac adds.
Grantaire grins and pats Courfeyrac on his head. “You’re doing well, young grasshopper. Do you know what the third rule is?”
“No.”
Grantaire turns to his friend, a devious smile on his lips. “Fuck all their shit up.”
The two quickly finish the new families (they have to work around the eight person per family limit). The first family consists of Courfeyrac, Grantaire, Jehan, Enjolras, Cosette, Eponine, and Gavroche, while the second has Feuilly, Bosseut, Joly, Marius, Combeferre, and Musichetta.
“Should we add Montparnasse?” Grantaire asks as Courfeyac adds a hint of terror to Joly’s face.
“We are not including Jehan’s sketchy-ass ex-boyfriend,” Courfeyac retorts, harsher than he had intended.
“All right, no need to be insecure,” Grantaire replies, chuckling. Courfeyrac glares at him. “No, I’m serious. Jehan’s completely head-over-heels, puppy dog eyes, in love with you. You have no reason to fear the sketchy-ass ex.”
Courfeyrac smiles. He knows Jehan loves him, but hearing it from Grantaire makes him blush. He tries to speak, but Grantaire cuts him off and launches the game. “Let the show begin.”
They’ve only been playing for half an hour when Eponine and Cosette walk in, looking for Jehan.
“He’s still not out of class,” Courfeyrac tells them without peeling his eyes away from the screen. Cosette walks over to them and peers at the game. Eponine heads straight for their kitchen.
“Is this that Sims game?” Cosette asks, squinting at the screen.
Grantaire nods. “Mhmm.”
“That’s nostalgic. I used to play this a lot in middle school.”
Courfeyrac smiles and turns towards her. “Really, do you know any—?” But he’s cut off by a small shriek escaping Cosette’s lips.
“I can’t believe you’re letting a virtual me wear that,” she says, disgusted, while pointing at the screen in horror. “Let me fix this. You two clearly have a problem dressing,” she gestures towards what the boys are currently wearing. Grantaire looks as if he’s just gotten out of bed (though it’s almost one in the afternoon) and is wearing a Batman shirt with a pair of old plaid pajama pants. Coufeyrac, while dressed, doesn’t look much better: he’s wearing a bowtie without a collared shirt. The boys try to protest and defend their respective styles, but Cosette just shakes her head as she redresses all of her virtual friends. Just as she finishes putting Marius in a very dapper dress shirt, Eponine walks back into the living room.
“You know you let some water boil over, right?” She asks as she sips from her glass of chocolate milk. “I considered cleaning it up, but then I remembered that this isn’t my place.” She pauses and looks at the three, all very unwilling to turn away from the screen. “I also took the last of your milk.” When Courfeyrac, who loves milk as much as cats do, doesn’t respond the way she had intended, Eponine walks over to the computer with the rest of them. “Oh. You’re playing the Sims.”
“It’s addicting,” Courfeyac admits.
“Yeah, when you do it right,” Grantaire adds.
“I dressed them all myself,” Cosette pipes in, proud of her accomplishment.
Eponine laughs at the three of them. “Did you use the boolprop cheat?”
She’s met with blank stares.
“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me I’m the only one who really knows how to abuse the system.” More blank stares. With a huff, she tries to shove Grantaire off his seat, but finds sitting in his lap as an acceptable alternative when he refuses to move. She quickly saves the game and exits to the main menu to enter the cheats. “I don’t understand how any of you have gone this long without utilizing this. It’s the only way to play.”
And it’s true. Their gaming experience is much more enjoyable after Eponine showed them all of the best hacks. Their Sims no longer get lost on their way to the bathroom
(“Goddammit. The bathroom is right there. Just open the fucking door. Jesus Christ! How stupid are you?” “Grantaire, be nice to your virtual self.” “Shut it, Courfeyrac. Your virtual self didn’t wet himself three times today. He’ll be a loser forever.”) or forget to eat
(“I don’t understand why my Sim doesn’t understand how to make herself a sandwich. It’s not that hard, really.” “Cosette, calm down. They’re all stupid; it’s not a big deal.” “I’m not upset, really. But it’s not that hard. I just don’t understand that’s all.” “I mean, let’s be real here though. Grantaire is one of their gods. Their lives can’t be all that great.” “Thanks a lot, Eponine.” “You’re so welcome.”).
Courfeyrac thought Grantaire was the worst when it came to destroying their friends virtual lives “Apollo’s not the only god,” Grantaire had said when they first started playing. He had spent the last twenty minutes trying to get the Marius sim to fall in love with the Cosette sim, then getting the Cosette sim to fall in love with both Feuilly and Bossuet, so Joly and Musichetta could get married and have a simulated child and the simulated Marius would have one of his ‘worst fears’ come true. Cosette was about to leave Marius at the altar when Eponine took over, and she fucked all their shit up.
Since Cosette was particularly upset about Grantaire’s plans for her and Marius, Eponine let them get married and be happy and have a child until she made Marius bring a curse upon himself and he was eatn by locusts. His ghost visited Cosette in the night, which caused her to throw his urn away. Cosette was still unhappy, but she figured it was better than what Grantaire had planned. Under Eponine’s ‘kind’ guidance, Bahorel and Feuilly became master thieves, but Bahorel got arrested and was taken away. Feuilly then became a recluse. Joly became a successful doctor, but spent all of his time at work, so Musichetta accidently-on-purpose set their house on fire. Bossuet burned in the flames. Jehan was seduced by a vampire while he and Courfeyrac were at a club. He then turned Courfeyrac into a vampire as well, but Coufeyrac got locked outside of the house and turned to ashes. Jehan subsequently turned Combeferre into a vampire and together they planned a vampire revolution against the tyrannical werewolf Gavroche. The revolution failed and Gavroche locked the two of them in his basement. Grantaire and Enjolras got married, much to Grantaire’s chagrin (“Oh, c’mon. You two are definitely getting married as soon as it’s legal.” “Shut up, ‘Ponine.” “You called him Apollo too, and who wouldn’t want to marry their god?” “Shut up, Cosette.” “C’mon guys. Let’s keep playing.” “For once I agree with Courfeyrac.” “Holla!” “Don’t push it.”), and then promptly let Enjolras be abducted by aliens. He returned pregnant and was killed by a falling satellite. When the Grim Reaper appeared, Grantaire tried to bargain for Enjolras’ life. He was successful, but as soon as Enjolras came back to life, Eponine put them both in the pool and removed the ladder. They both drowned. Virtual Eponine became a CEO of a grocery store chain and died of natural causes while watching over her lycan brother.
“You’re an asshole,” Grantaire mumbles as Eponine returned to the main menu.
“No, I’m a god,” she teases back with a wink.
“I hate you,” Grantaire grunts out, trying to push Eponine off his lap.
“Technically you’re a goddess,” Cosette points out playfully. Eponine smiles.
They can’t hear the front door open over their bickering (“You’re more like the Devil.” “This is my game and I barely got to play.” “But you were thoroughly entertained, right?” “More like disturbed.” “Shut up, Grantaire. Let Courf speak for himself. And at least I didn’t make Cosette unhappy.” “You locked Jehan in a basement.” “Nevermind. Your opinion no longer matters, Couf.” “This was my game!”), and Courfeyrac only notices Jehan when the poet lovingly wraps his arms around Courfeyrac’s neck.
“Oh. Hi, Jehan,” Courfeyrac says guiltily, “I, uh, opened the game. Hope you don’t mind.”
“It’s fine,” Jehan says easily with a smile. “Did you guys have fun?”
Courfeyrac’s eyes open wide and he quickly changes the subject. “How was class?”
“It was nice. We went outside since it was nice out and we were analyzing Frost’s imag—“
“Eponine turned you into a vampire and locked you in a basement with Combeferre,” Grantaire interrupts. “She also killed Courfeyrac.”
“What?” Jehan asks, his brow furrowing in confusion, his smile gone. He looks at Eponine, who shrugs, smirking deviously.
“It’s your game,” she insists.
“So what happened to the rest of us?”
No one had noticed that Enjolras had walked in with Jehan. Grantaire blushes and stutters as he tries to speak, but Eponine doesn’t miss a beat.
“You got married to Grantaire,” she states, her voice dripping with revenge.
“And impregnated by aliens,” Cosette adds, tossing a playful look at Grantaire, who is trying very hard to melt into his chair.
“Grantaire saved you from death when a satellite crushed you,” Courfeyac says, wanting to add to Grantaire’s humiliation.
Jehan lightly pushes Courfeyrac, but smiles at Granatire.
Enjolras doesn’t blink, or blush, or smile, or yell, or laugh, or grant. Expressionless, he moves over to Grantaire, who’s still trying to become one with his seat. Eponine gets off the cynic, and Enjolras takes her place. He leans in to Grantaire, smiles softly, and lightly kisses his boyfriend on the lips.
“Thank you for saving me,” he whispers quietly.
Grantaire’s smiling, but he sounds solemn. “We both died anyway.”
“Together?”
“Of course.”
At that Enjolras smiles wider, which prompts Grantaire to pull his god into a fierce kiss.
“Get a room!” Eponine shouts, but they don’t stop and the only response she gets is a middle finger from Grantaire.
Enjolras pulls away first. “About getting married…” he trails off as he presses his forehead to Grantaire’s.
“Vegas?” is the last thing Enjolras hears before Grantaire pulls at his shirt collar and closes the small distance between them.