Work Text:
At 7, Sanji learns that he will never satisfy his father.
No matter what he does, no matter what he says, he will never make him proud, or even make him look his way with something other than disappointment or indifference.
He will never be enough.
At 7, Vinsmoke Sanji dies, and Sanji wonders why he is still breathing.
~~~
Sanji has three twin brothers.
When he was younger, they used to be nicer to him.
Sure, they frowned in his direction every time he fell behind, whether that was in swimming, jumping off buildings, running, jumping over obstacles, punching balls, or swordsmanship, but besides Yonji making comments about how weak he was, they never did anything else. Ichiji just watched from afar as Niji scoffed at him.
Niji did hit him hard with his sword that one time, but that was because Niji was strong and he was not, wasn’t it? If he were strong like Niji was, he would have easily parried his swing. He was supposed to be as strong as Niji is, but there is something wrong with him. He knows there is because he overheard the doctors telling his father that they didn’t understand why he was so different from his twin brothers, why he was so weak when they were strong.
Sanji knows he was born wrong.
But when he brought it up to his mother during his visit to the medical aisle, her face had shattered into a million broken pieces, and tears had started falling from her eyes. His mother had buried him in her arms as she cried, trembling as she made him promise not to say anything like that ever again. As her tears were falling on his head, he had promised not to say it again. He didn’t want his mother to cry anymore.
But that doesn’t make it less true.
He would just be careful not to say it aloud again.
~~~
Sanji also has a big sister.
She is two whole years older than him! And she is just as strong as his twin brothers are. Sometimes, he sees her turning around the corner when he leaves his mother’s room. He had tried to go after her once, but she ran away. Later, she had come to find him in his room and had him promise not to say anything about her coming to the medical aisle. She said she wasn’t supposed to be there.
Sanji doesn’t understand why that is, but she doesn’t explain more. She promises to play with him at night instead, and Sanji accepts. Ichiji, Niji, and Yonji looked at him weirdly when he had asked them if they wanted to play with him that one time, so he doesn’t think they like to play.
Having a playmate in Reiju is even better because she smiles at him when he tells her stories about the sea life book he has read, and she always searches for him when they play hide-and-seek. His twin brothers had forgotten to look for him, and he had stayed hidden in his spot for hours before Reiju had passed by and asked him what he was doing there. She had looked at him sadly when he’d told her he was waiting for his twins to find him. He didn’t understand why. Reiju told him they had gone to their rooms after dinner, and that’s when Sanji realized how hungry he was.
Hearing his stomach growl, Reiju had laughed and taken him to the kitchen, away from prying eyes, to get him some food. She had stayed while he was eating in his room, telling him about the birds she had found hidden on a tree branch, and Sanji had asked her about it. They had talked until someone came to fetch his plate, and Reiju said she had to leave. Sanji greeted her good night before calling out to the door to allow the servant to come in. Sanji doesn’t know why Reiju hides from everyone though.
He doesn’t, until the day his father looks at him with disappointment in his eyes for the first time. He doesn’t, until his twin brothers start beating him, just because they can, laughing the whole time as he cries at them to stop.
Sanji doesn’t, until he turns to his sister for help, and instead of telling them to stop, Reiju laughs too.
~~~
After that day, Sanji understands a few more things.
His twin brothers are the only ones born right and strong enough to be useful to his father. As such, they have the right to do anything with everyone turning a blind eye to it. That includes beating him up and hurting him.
Guards and servants alike turn away when they see him bleeding and crying from their hits, leaving the scene with haste without looking back.
One day, his father came upon him being beaten by them again, but when Sanji had cried out for help, Judge had watched him with disappointment in his eyes before turning away from him, leaving him to the hands (and feet) of his unrelenting brothers. Niji sneered as he started hitting with renewed strength, Yonji soon joining him with rib-breaking kicks. Ichiji just stood aside, watching it all happen in complete indifference.
It didn’t seem to matter what happened to him; none of them would stop hitting and kicking him.
It came to a point where he had no more tears to shed, no more words to plead for them to stop. There was only pain. Sanji couldn’t feel anything else. He prayed that mercy would come from somewhere, anywhere.
And it did.
Sanji remembers welcoming the dark that came to claim him. When he opened his eyes, it was to his sister crying silently as she carefully tended to his wounds. At this moment, Sanji knew that he wasn’t alone.
~~~
Except he kind of is.
Reiju has stopped coming to play with him at night, only tending to his wounds silently before leaving again.
His mother asks about the bandages when he visits her, but he can’t answer. It was because he was born wrong that he wasn’t useful to his father, that his father turned away from him and allowed his brothers to hit him. It was because he was born wrong that he is weak. But he has promised not to say it again, so he won’t.
Sora looks at him crestfallenly though. Sanji doesn’t like it. So instead, he tells her all about the Devil Fruit encyclopedia he read during class that day. He tells her about the Clear-Clear fruit that makes one invisible, which is the one he wants the most.
What he doesn’t tell her is why he wants that fruit.
If he could disappear, he could never be found when he doesn’t want to. This sounds like a dream when his brothers are involved.
He doesn’t tell her, but he thinks she knows because before he leaves, she hugs him tighter than she ever has before, repeating that she loves him and that he’s perfect just the way he is.
Sanji doesn’t believe her, but he wants to.
As he cries into his mother’s arms, Sanji wonders what his life would be like if that were true. He wonders if his brothers would stop beating him, if his father would look at him with pride, and if his sister would play with him in the open.
Sanji wants to believe her so badly it hurts.
~~~
A few months later, Sanji tries to hide himself from his mother’s grave after receiving another beating from his brothers.
He never wished to show himself to her this way, but Ichiji, Niji, and Yonji had found him when he had been putting flowers over his mother’s grave. They had mocked him for his tears before claiming that they would toughen up the failure that he was and starting to hit him.
Reiju watched it happen from afar, turning to hide her tears before walking away entirely.
Sanji doesn’t know why he still looks for her every time it happens.
Even she wouldn’t help a failure.
(A few months later, Sanji is forced to admit that yes, she would, when Reiju breaks him out of his cell and helps him escape towards a travel ship. She does it all with tears in her eyes, as if she actually cares about what happens to him and wants him to be happy, somewhere, anywhere, away from Germa.
Even if it feels like a farewell, even if it feels like he won’t ever be able to see his big sister again, somehow, knowing that she cared enough to free him, to go against Judge’s orders despite the trouble it might land her in, makes Sanji feel like maybe, maybe he wasn’t as alone as he previously thought he was after all.
Running towards the ship, towards his blank future, Sanji opens his mouth and breathes.)