Chapter Text
Kris and Susie sat slumped together on the new beanbag chair Kris bought for their room, the window cracked open to let a bit of a breeze in, since the second floor got stuffy in the summer. Susie was playing the Dragon Blazer’s spinoff on the handheld console Kris got for their birthday that year.
It had been a quiet day, one of those lazy summer mornings that blended into a lazy summer afternoon—mostly because Kris was off work. Thanks to Berdly’s encouragement to seek employment, they’d picked up a summer job dishwashing at QC’s, and though the work was pretty boring, they liked the structure it gave them, necessitating they wake up at a reasonable hour since they had somewhere to be. And of course they didn’t mind the money.
They’re room actually kind of looked like their room, now. Asriel had taken more of his stuff now that he was living off campus and spending the summer out there to do an internship thing with one of his professors, and they’d filled in the space with purchases from their new source of income. They’d put some posters up and bought new sheets. A neon green lava lamp from the thrift store decorated their bedside table, and a mossy-textured rug took up most of the floor between the two beds. With the beanbag chair now resting like an ottoman at their end of their bed, the room felt cozy in a way it hadn’t since they were young.
It was nice. They were just little things, but it all added up to make Kris feel more like a real person.
“Aw, damnit!” Susie clenched the console and lifted it like she was going to smash it over her knee when she died for the fifth time against a mini boss, but then sighed and relaxed her grip, thankfully keeping it in one piece.
“Take this away from me, I can’t look at it right now,” she said, handing it over to Kris.
They laughed and tossed it behind them on their bed.
“Ugh, dude, I can’t believe summer’s almost over! Susie said. “We need to do something fun. Like all four of us. Is there an amusement park or something we can go to?”
“I think there’s one like an hour from here. We went there once for Azzy’s birthday,” Kris said. “I can ask Berdly when he’s free to drive us.”
“Yes! That’d be awesome!” Susie said. “Of course, knowing him he’s probably booked for the rest of the summer.”
Kris snickered.
“He’ll do it if I ask,” they said.
Susie barked out a laugh.
“Yeah, he probably will,” she said. “You gonna do anything about that, by the way?”
“Hm?” Kris tilted their head.
“You know, his totally obvious crush on you?” she said.
Kris frowned. It was true, Berdly had a soft spot for them, but Kris wasn’t convinced it was a crush. Berdly hadn’t really expressed romantic feelings for anyone since the whole festival thing blew up in his face and he admitted he didn’t really like Noelle or Susie, he just didn’t know how to be friends with a girl without thinking it had to be a romantic thing, too.
Kris kind of understood that. The line between friendship and romance always seemed blurry to them. What made a relationship different, besides what kind of physical intimacy it included? Was a romantic relationship just friends who wanted to kiss each other and have sex with each other, or was it more than that?
What if Kris didn’t want to do those things? Could they still have a romantic partner?
“We just like hanging out together,” Kris said, and started to pick at a scab from a mosquito bite on their ankle.
“Uhh, yeah, no, I get that, but he likes you, dude. It’s one-hundred-percent confirmed,” Susie said.
“What do you mean? Did he tell you?” Kris asked.
“Not me, but… it’s been confirmed,” Susie said. Kris’s eyes widened as they realized what she meant. Berdly and Noelle were still close friends, more so now, in fact, that Berdly didn’t think they were supposed to be dating, and if he told Noelle that he had a crush on someone, there’s no way Noelle would be able to keep that from Susie. She told her girlfriend everything.
Kris plucked off the scab, and hissed at the sharp pinprick of pain. A dot of blood started to well up, so they pressed their finger against it to cover it up.
“Kris, you okay?” Susie asked.
“Need a tissue,” they mumbled, getting up and grabbing one off the nightstand. “Leg’s bleeding.”
“What the!?” Susie leapt up, and Kris laughed at her concern.
“Just a bug bite,” they said.
“Fucking hell, dude, you scared me!” Susie sighed and crossed her arms.
“Sorry,” Kris said through a laugh. Even unintentionally, they always found it amusing to scare their friends.
Berdly was especially fun to mess with. He always took the bait, but rather than just screaming and getting upset like Noelle would, he’d try to one-up Kris or pretend like he wasn’t afraid or confused, which meant Kris could keep taking the pranks further and further, and Berdly actually enjoyed it. Their banter was just as ferocious, especially so when they played competitive games. Kris’s cheeks would actually hurt from smiling after hanging out with him, sometimes.
Did that mean they liked him, though? Or were they just really good friends?
Kris sat down on their bed and patted at the mosquito bite, waiting for the blood to stop beading up. They could feel Susie watching them, likely still waiting for an answer to her original question, and it made their pulse pick up in pace.
They tried to imagine dating Berdly. What would that mean? What would be different? Maybe they’d hold hands. That would be OK, Kris wouldn’t mind that. In fact, it might actually be nice. Maybe they’d cuddle. Kris could handle that, as long as it wasn’t too often. They liked their personal space. Maybe they’d kiss. Kris wasn’t sure how they felt about that. Kissing seemed weird enough on its own. Add in the fact that Berdly had a beak, and they just couldn’t picture how that would work or what it would feel like.
Maybe they’d have sex. No. No, they most definitely wouldn’t, because Kris did not want to do that. Not with Berdly and not with anyone. At least, not now. Maybe they’d change their mind someday. They were only seventeen, after all.
“Susie… can I ask something weird?” they said, heart still thrumming in their chest.
“Uh. Sure?” Susie took a step back and sat on the edge of Asriel’s old bed.
Kris chewed their lip. They weren’t sure if this was OK to ask about, but if there was anyone they could say it to, it had to be Susie.
“Do you… do you and Noelle… have you had sex?”
“Huh?” Susie’s expression went blank, and then her whole face went red. “What the—what? Where’s that coming from?”
Kris lowered their gaze.
“Sorry. I just… I’m not sure if I’m supposed to want that, at this age,” they said. “Like in movies and TV and stuff, teenagers are all over each other, but that seems fake to me. I’ve never wanted to do that. Not yet, at least. So… I was just curious.”
Kris shrugged.
“Uh, well… I mean, yeah. We have,” Susie said. “Not like a lot. But… we’ve been dating for like six months, so…”
Kris frowned. That wasn’t the answer they were expecting. If Susie and Noelle were like that, did that mean it was normal? Was Kris the outlier?
“Wait. What do you mean you’ve never wanted to do that?” Susie asked. “Like, you’ve never even thought about it?”
“Um. Not really?” Kris’s voice fell to a trembling whisper. “I mean, I have thought about it. But whenever I think about it, it just scares me. I don’t want it. I don’t want to.”
“Oh.” Susie looked confused. She sat there for a while, her mouth slightly ajar, but didn’t say anything.
Kris felt tears burning at the corners of their eyes, and they quickly wiped them away as they stood up to throw out the bloodied tissue.
“Great, I guess I really am just some kind of a freak,” Kris grumbled with their back to Susie.
“What? No, Kris, that’s not… hey.” Susie got up and grabbed their wrist. Kris flinched, almost pulling away, but relented and let her turn them around.
“I don’t think you’re a freak,” she said. “At least not because of that .” She laughed, and Kris laughed a little, too.
“Don’t worry about it so much. Like, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to have sex. It doesn’t hurt anyone. Who fucking cares?” Susie gave them a pat on the back, and Kris nodded, slowly.
“That’s true,” they said. “Thanks, Susie.”
“No problem. Now, uh, I think I wanna give that boss another crack. I’m gonna get him this time, I swear!”
Susie grabbed the console off the bed and flopped down into the beanbag chair. Kris sat next to her, falling back into their same position from earlier. Their heart was still beating off-tempo in their chest, and it was hard to focus on the game, but they felt a little bit lighter.
If something was wrong with them, at least Susie didn’t think it was a big deal. Kris could live with that. As long as their best friend thought they were cool, they didn’t need anyone else.
Though, as Kris started to imagine telling Berdly the same thing, their gut twisted with dread, and they weren't sure why. They imagine he’d be disappointed, or worse, what if he took it as a challenge to make Kris want him that way?
No, he wouldn’t do that. He’d be respectful. But he wouldn’t want to date them anymore, and for some reason, that thought made Kris sad.
They wished they could just be normal. Then maybe they could be like Susie and Noelle, who seemed so happy together.
Kris sighed and leaned their head on Susie’s shoulder.
At least they had friends. That was enough, for now. Maybe even forever. So long as those friends didn’t get tired of Kris hanging around all the time.
Someday Susie and Noelle might get married, and Berdly would probably find some nice woman when he was older, and slowly but surely they’d stop having time for Kris, and then Kris would be alone.
They closed their eyes and pushed back against that future in their heart. They wouldn’t be alone. Maybe lonely, but never alone. These friends were too important.
They had to stay. They had to.
…
It was raining when Kris got out of work the next night. It was late enough in the summer that the sky was completely dark at nine-thirty again, and with the rain came a chill, autumn impatiently nipping at the air.
They debated whether it was worth it to run home, but the downpour was heavy enough they’d get soaked either way. Then the headlights of the one car in the parking lot came on, and Kris realized it was Berdly’s car. Or, really, his parents’ old car they handed down to him when he got his licence last fall.
The window rolled down, and Berdly shot a smug look Kris’s way.
“You worked late tonight, I almost thought you were planning on sleeping in there!” he laughed at his own joke.
“I needed to wash the oven pans today. We only do that once a week,” Kris said. “You could have texted if you were tired of waiting.”
“And ruin the element of surprise? I think not!” Berdly unlocked the doors and gestured for Kris to hop inside.
“Gee, thanks.” They took the passenger’s seat and buckled in. Their shoulders only got a little wet in the distance between the back door’s overhang and the car.
“But of course! Your Prince Charming came to rescue you with his golden chariot!” Berdly said with a dramatic flourish of his wings.
Kris suppressed a laugh.
“Right. Not his blue Yotoya with ninety-thousand miles on it?”
Berdly scoffed and covered the mileage counter like that would help his case. Kris realized they were grinning, and didn’t particularly feel like hiding it.
“It’s called hyperbole, my belothed rival,” Berdly said.
“Uh-huh. Now drive me home, Prince Charming.”
Berdly sputtered, adorably unprepared to have his own nonsense turned back against him, and put the car in drive. They rolled out of the parking lot and down the rain-washed road. Kris watched the water gather in white streams along the curb, funneling towards the occasional storm drain.
Berdly drove especially slow, his wipers only able to keep up with the rain to a certain degree, but there wasn’t a single other car on the road.
It was strangely peaceful, there in the car with him. Kris turned and looked at him. His eyes were on the road, but they could tell from the twitch at the corner of his beak he was replaying their conversation in his head, trying to think of a better comeback.
Kris frowned, thinking back to their conversation with Susie yesterday.
“Hey Berdly,” they said.
“Yes?” He glanced at them briefly, then focused intently on the road again as he approached the turn. He put on his left blinker and waited an extraordinarily long time for nothing to happen.
“Do you like anyone?” Kris asked right as he was about to turn. He hit the brakes, swerved slightly on the wet road, then yelped and readjusted, getting the car back between the lines before coming to a complete stop.
“Kris!” he screeched. “We could have died!”
“Get good,” Kris deadpanned.
“What—you—ugh!” Berdly continued towards their house. “I come and rescue you from the rain and this is the thanks I get…” he grumbled.
“Sorry.” Kris dropped the teasing pretense. “You don’t have to answer. If you don’t want to.”
Berdly didn’t say anything, the last minute of the drive dragging on for longer than should have been physically possible. At last, he pulled into the driveway of the Dreemurr home and put the car in park. He turned the keys and pulled them out of the ignition, and the car seemed to sigh as it shut off.
“Why do you ask?” Berdly said.
Kris shrugged.
“I don’t know. I had a… weird conversation with Susie yesterday,” they said.
Berdly looked panicked for a moment, then cleared his throat and soothed down his chest feathers.
“Oh?” he prodded for them to continue.
“I guess I just… I realized most people our age have already had, like, serious feelings about other people. And I haven’t. So I feel like maybe I’m weird.” They found it surprisingly easy to tell him. Somehow, they didn’t feel worried that Berdly would judge them now that he was right there in the car with them.
“You never really talk about, uh… liking people like that. Not since the whole thing with Noelle and Susie and the festival,” Kris continued. “So I’m curious if you also…?” They shrugged.
Berdly gulped. He looked ahead through the windshield at the dark driveway, obscured by rain splatter, and got a somewhat distant look in his eyes.
“What do you mean by serious feelings?” he asked.
Kris scratched the back of their neck, their gaze falling to their lap.
“Like, uh… physical attraction, I guess? Not just a little-kid-kinda-crush.”
“I see.” Berdly adjusted his glasses. “Well, if you must know, I have—and I do—expereince such desires. I simply choose not to voice them.”
“Oh.” Kris’s chest felt cold, but their arms and legs felt strangely hot. They didn’t like the feeling.
“I do not think it is so unusual for you to have not felt those things, however. Everyone takes different paths through life, Kris, and perhaps at different paces as well,” Berdly said it with a smile that was meant to be comforting, but Kris only felt their shoulders shrink.
He was trying to be nice, but they felt sure of it, now. Something was wrong with them.
“Yeah. Whatever.” They abruptly opened the door and slipped out of the car. They heard Berdly squawk, fumbling to unbuckle himself so he could get out, but Kris was already unlocking the front door by the time he got his door open.
“Kris—”
“Thanks for the ride, man.” They waved, and for a moment, Berdly stood frozen, one foot out of the car, rain pelting the top of his head, beak open like he wanted to say something.
Then his jaw clenched and he moved in reverse, falling back into the car and closing the door. Kris kept a flat smile on their face until his car was out of the driveway. Then they opened the door, stepped inside, and let a trembling frown pull their lips down with the force of an anchor dropping.
They shut their eyes tight and begged the tears not to come. They felt so pathetic. They never should have said anything, not to Berdly, not to Susie. They should have kept this secret, should have shoved it down and ignored it, until maybe one day it would go away on its own.
Somehow, though, they knew it wouldn’t. It wasn’t a matter of not yet. Kris was never going to feel that way. It felt so very clear, this lonely future sprawling out in front of them, and they hated it.
The image of a knife in their hand and the feeling of sharp lines on their arms flashed through them like lightning. They sucked their breath in through their teeth and clenched their hands into fists to quell the urge. One deep breath in, one long breath out. They would not hurt themselves. Not over this. They just needed a distraction.
“Oh, Kris, did you get a ride home with someone?” Toriel came wandering into the living room, flicking on the light. She was already in her pajamas.
“Yeah. Berdly picked me up,” they said. Their fists slowly unclenched.
“How nice of him! He could have come inside, it’s so awful out there,” Toriel said.
“It’s a short drive.” Kris shrugged. “But… yeah. It was nice of him.”
Toriel made a funny face, then turned back towards the kitchen.
“Well, don’t mind me. Just need another cup of tea before bed,” she said.
Kris nodded, but didn’t move to head right back up to their room like they usually did when they got home from work. They spent a good minute staring out the front window at the dark, rainy yard, then slowly turned to watch their mother humming as she waited for the water to boil.
“Actually,” Kris said, stepping into the kitchen. “Could I have, um… a cup of tea, too?”
“Oh?” Toriel looked surprised, then smiled. “Of course, Kris.”
She held out an arm, and Kris hesitantly stepped forward so she could wrap it behind their back. She got down a second mug with her free hand, and as the water slowly boiled, Kris felt their body relax until their head leaned down onto their mother’s shoulder. She didn’t say anything, but her hand slowly rubbed up and down on Kris’s back.
They were not alone, they reminded themselves. There would always be people who loved them, even if they never found love.