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The conversations stopped.
"Wait, you were friends with four guys?" Nami set her wine glass on the table.
"Yeah," Sanji said, finishing her fifth cigarette in a row.
"You thought you were just friends?"
"Yes."
"And it turned out they all considered you their girlfriend? Each of them separately?"
Sanji stayed silent, while Nami burst into laughter. Vivi started patting her back, trying to hold back her own giggles. Only Robin in their group remained calm, smiling gently.
"But I don’t want a relationship!" Sanji shouted, throwing her hands up.
Her sudden movement accidentally knocked over the glass, which only didn’t spill thanks to Robin’s quick hands. She moved the wine further away from her friend and said:
"Then break up with them."
"Easier said than done," Sanji sighed. "I thought they were my friends! How do I break up with a guy who isn’t even my boyfriend, just a friend?"
"Very simple," Nami grinned. "Ask them to support you financially."
"Knowing Sanji, she’d end up with four husbands instead of four friends," Vivi replied, then burst into laughter along with the redhead.
Sanji took a long drag from her cigarette while pulling at her own hair with such force that it might’ve ripped out any second.
"You could give them an ultimatum," Robin said, drawing everyone’s attention. "For example, it’s like asking Zoro if he’d give up his swords for you. You know better than us who’s really hung up on you and what a guy would never give up, even for your sake."
"By the way, who are the candidates?" Nami smirked.
"Ace, Luffy, Law, and… Zoro, actually…" Sanji listed.
At that, all three girls finally burst into laughter. Even Robin couldn’t hold back. The blonde wanted to frown, but she couldn’t stay mad at her wonderful ladies. So she started thinking up a plan: "How to Break Up with Someone You Never Dated"
"How did Law even end up on this list?" Vivi wondered.
"Law surprises you? Luffy is the real mystery here!" Nami snorted.
"Zoro is the one who raises more questions…" Robin said, a little too knowingly.
"And Ace isn’t a mystery?" Sanji interjected.
At that, the girls looked away. The chef stared at her friends, and shock crept up on her.
"I will break up with all of them!" she yelled.
Zoro was first.
Because Sanji already knew what question would end things quickly, and also because Robin had asked her to start with him. The woman had smiled so sweetly that the chef couldn’t refuse. Besides, their relationship was more like enemies than anything normal. He was the easiest.
She walked into the gym. When she asked about the swordsmanship section, they directed her to the second floor. And Sanji was surprised to see a crowd of people there. She had thought no one still practiced that kind of weapon these days, but apparently she was wrong.
Zoro was sparring with Kuina in the arena. Their swords clashed again and again, sending sparks flying. Sanji swallowed and glanced at the wooden swords discarded to the side. Were these lunatics seriously fighting with real blades? Did they have a death wish?
When the signal sounded, the guy and the girl stopped. They were breathing heavily as they stepped off the arena, immediately replaced by others, one of whom Sanji almost mistook for Usopp. She shook her head, refocusing.
"Zoro!" Her shout echoed through the hall.
Dozens of eyes turned toward her. Mihawk also glanced over, while Sanji cursed herself for being so loud. Zoro, however, looked at her in surprise and walked closer.
"What do you want?" he grumbled.
"This can’t go on anymore. This isn’t a relationship. This isn’t love!"
Gasps spread through the room. The girl really needed to lower her viuce decibels. She wanted to focus entirely on Zoro, but the murmurs distracted her:
"Zoro had a girlfriend?"
"I thought he was gay."
"He’s not gay?"
"No way, he’s definitely gay! Poor girl..."
What?
No, wait…
What?
So that’s why Robin had smiled like that. Then how the hell did Zoro even end up in a relationship with her? Sure, they had an interesting dynamic and all, but nothing about that struck him as odd? Gender, maybe?
"Um…" Her earlier fire had fizzled out. "If you want to stay with me, choose: me or your swords?..."
Zoro raised an eyebrow. Even he understood how stupid that question was.
"Well," she said, "I get it. They’ll always be more important than me..."
She tried to deliver the line in the most tearful voice possible. She even considered dramatically raising a hand to her forehead and running out the door, but then she remembered her age and the fact that she still had to function in society. And after that breakup reaction with a gay guy (which, to be honest, was already a massive blow to a girl’s self-esteem) she’d be too embarrassed to show her face in public for at least a week or two.
"I was planning to end things anyway," Zoro scratched the back of his head. "If you were the opposite sex, maybe I’d have bargained…"
Sanji let out an indignant gasp and glared at him. Was he mocking her? First of all, how dare he say that to her face? Second of all, how dare he?! She swung a full-force kick at him, which he instantly blocked with his sword, and yelled:
"You damn marimo!"
"Hey," he shot back. "You’re the one breaking up with me! I’m supposed to be the angry one here!"
"Go to hell!"
"I mean it! If you didn’t have boobs, maybe things would’ve been different!.. Hell, you don’t even have those... If you had something in your pants…"
"DIE!"
Kuina burst out laughing. Sanji, red-faced and humiliated, rushed ti the exit and stormed out of the building.
Wow. They’d actually broken up. Ridiculously, absurdly, a little embarrassingly but still, broken up. Amazing. She lit a cigarette, feeling lighter than air. One problem down. Her heart felt freer. If only the other three guys went just as smoothly, her bachelor life (is that even the right term for women?) would come much sooner.
Just as she was about to turn the corner and leave, she heard Mihawk’s voice muttering something like "Teach him manners" or "Kill the brat," followed by the sound of something(or someone) getting hit. Then again. And again. She glanced up fearfully and decided to get the hell out of there.
Never interrupt a father’s etiquette lesson for his son. Especially when it’s Mihawk and Zoro.
Next was Ace. Because she had a solid argument for breaking up with him.
Yamato.
And the fact that everyone thought she was his girlfriend… No, he was his boyfriend, sorry, her memory was fuzzy. Ivankov’s voice echoed in her head, scolding her over and over.
"Ace, you do understand it’s either me or Yamato, right?" Sanji asked with complete seriousness.
They were sitting in a cafe. Her drink was alcoholic, mixed with mango, strawberry, and peach. His was a beer so strong she’d already texted Sabo to come pick his brother up later. She had one salad in front of her, while Ace had ordered half the menu and was devouring it all like a starving man.
Ace paused mid-bite and looked at her. Quickly composing himself, he took her hand and said:
"You’re both my favorite people in the world."
"I’ll pass that along to Luffy. And of course I believe you. Your family’s a whole other mystery, but I still prefer monogamous relationships."
"But…"
"Ace. Look at me."
Sanji gathered her courage and met his eyes. And immediately deflated. Ace was beautiful, and with his eyes shimmering with unshed tears, he looked like a prince straight out of one of her TV dramas. Her heart clenched, and it took her a full minute to steady herself:
"I know you love him. And I can’t stand between you."
"You’re not standing between us. He’s okay with it. I love you, and…"
"But you love him more. I can see it."
She needed to shut this down. The logic of Luffy’s family was at play here. And anyone who didn’t understand it would never win. The last thing she needed was to get dragged even deeper into this mess instead of breaking free.
"You have my blessing," she said in the softest voice possible.
"Sanji…" Ace nearly whimpered.
"You better be under his window tonight with the biggest bouquet imaginable."
"But…"
"Ace."
She placed her free hand over his.
"I’ll still be someone important to you, and you can always come to me for help. We just don’t need this kind of relationship for that. You’re my sword, I’m your shield and that won’t change, no matter what."
"Did you just make a joke of my name?"
"Don’t change the subject."
Ace lowered his gaze. He bit his lip hard, then muttered quietly:
"Thank you… Sanji, you’re not… mad that I’m choosing him over you, right?..."
He couldn’t even finish the sentence.
‘ I got rid of another problem.Why would I be mad?’ trumpeted the fanfare in her head, but she masked her relief with a gentle smile.
"I believe in love. And sometimes, letting go is what’s best for everyone."
"I don’t deserve you…"
"Not even a little," came a voice from the side.
They turned to see Sabo standing there, scowling.
"You’re earlier than I expected," she admitted.
"Figured I’d see how my dear brother was blowing our family’s only shot at not starving to death. Seriously, Ace?"
"Dude, I just got dumped," Ace sighed. "I need time…"
"I need time to process that I’ll be cooking for you and Luffy alone now!"
Sanji wanted to remind them she was still right there, but decided it was better to leave. Especially when the brothers grabbed each other by the hair. She quietly left cash on the table and called a taxi home.
Luffy was difficult.
Sanji genuinely didn’t know how to approach him. First, she had to make sure none of his brothers interfered which was hard, especially since Sabo kept insisting she come over and constantly threw her together with Ace. Why wasn’t he doing the same with Luffy? Weren’t they technically in a relationship too? Again, the logic of their family eluded her.
They were sitting in her kitchen, meat sizzling on the stove. Luffy swung his legs from his chair, texting Zoro. Earlier, he’d wanted to invite everyone over, but she’d managed to convince him that tonight was just for the two of them.
A breakup talk like "It’s me or the food" would’ve sounded ridiculous. And honestly, breaking up with Luffy at all felt absurd. Like his older brother, he was unfairly gorgeous, blessed by gods with good looks, but on top of that, he had that infectious energy and endless optimism. Boa Hancock would’ve killed for a shot with him, and here Sanji was, about to throw it away.
"I’ve decided to only cook vegan dishes from now on," she tested the waters.
"I forbid it!" Luffy snapped instantly.
She didn’t even need to turn around to know he was frowning.
"And... I don't feel like opening my Old Blue restaurant anymore."
"Liar."
She finally turned. Luffy looked angry. His eyes gleamed strangely. She couldn’t do this to him. No. But she had to. Clenching her fists, she blurted out:
"No, Luffy. This can’t go on. We need to break up."
"Sabo said you can’t date your brothers’ girlfriends. So we weren’t dating!"
Huh?
Huh.
Huh.
If so.
How the hell had he even ended up on her "Need to Break Up" list?
Sanji racked her brain.
"Wait, do you want to date me?" he asked, grinning. "Sabo would be happy!"
She stared at him. Thought about it. Thought about it hard. Then said:
"No."
"Okay, then!" Luffy laughed.
"Hey, Lu, want a steak?"
"Yahoo! Steak!"
She plated the meat and sprinkled on spices, mentally crossing another name off her list.
"Hey, Sanji," Luffy tilted his head. "Any idea why Zoro’s been texting me sooo much lately?"
The realization hit her like a kick to the gut. If she’d been smoking, her cigarette would’ve dropped dramatically from her lips. She knew exactly why but Luffy could never find out. Better never find out. Clutching her chest, she forced a smile.
"Guess he’s got more free time now…" She glanced away and tried to change the subject. "Potatoes or veggies with your steak?"
"Both!" Luffy shouted, already forgetting everything else.
Law was the hardest.
First, she didn’t know his trigger. Oh, he had plenty, but none that’d make him break up with her. Second, he was just... difficult. With his personality, she wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up fighting over the breakup. Third — and this was the real problem — Law absolutely considered her his girlfriend. She’d checked. After Luffy, she’d held out hope it was another misunderstanding. No such luck.
Sitting in his living room, Sanji agonised over how to start the conversation. Law, completely oblivious, flipped through a medical journal, occasionally glancing at her like he sensed her frustration but refusing to acknowledge it.
"Law, I like girls," she led with her trump card.
"I know," he deflected instantly.
"No, I really like them."
"I know."
He looked up, gaze sharp. His expression said "Everyone knows that". And honestly, she had figured any guy dating her would’ve been aware. Biting her lip, she tried again.
"I’ve decided to shave my head!" she blurted, not knowing why she had come up with that idea.
"Your choice," he said, unfazed.
"But you hate bald people!" she protested.
"Never said that."
She swore he had. About someone. Someone very familiar, probably Penguin after his last barber visit.
Law turned a page, effectively ending that line of attack.
"If you want to stay with me," she finally landed on a decent ultimatum, "you have to get rid of all your Sora figurines!"
"I’ll call Corazon. He’ll take them."
If she’d had a handkerchief, she’d have gritted it between her teeth in frustration. Why was he impossible to rattle?! And he just kept reading! Infuriating!
"I…" She took a sharp breath. "I refuse to cook for you anymore!"
"Your right. You should rest after work. I’ve said so before." He didn’t even look up.
"I hate how often your friends come over!"
"We’ll meet at cafes instead."
"Law!"
He raised an eyebrow.
"We need to talk."
"I’m listening."
"I cheated on you! There’s another man in my life now!"
"But in the end, you’ll still choose me, right?"
She let out a strangled scream and collapsed onto the couch.
"If you want to pick a fight, you’ll have to try harder than that," he said, flipping another page.
"You…" Her eyes darted around the room. "You’re abusive! You’re trapping me in this relationship!"
Law finally set the journal aside, propping his chin on his fist.
"I am a little messed up in the head, I’ll admit."
They stared at each other. Silence stretched.
"Nothing works?" Her shoulders slumped.
"I’m a thirty-year-old man obsessed with comics and married to my job. You’re literally my only shot at a relationship. So no. Nothing works."
"You’re hot! You have a career! You have options! We need to break up!"
"Sanji, I own a glass cabinet full of figurines and a coin collection. I’d love to believe you, but experience says otherwise."
And he was a freak. But she figured pointing that out wouldn’t help.
"What about dating apps?" she tried. "Or-or Ikkaku! You have Ikkaku!"
"Did I offend you?" Law asked, deadly serious.
"What? No!"
"Then why? Why break up?"
"Because I didn’t think we were dating in the first place!"
Law studied her. She saw the realization hit: his expression shifting from stern to thoughtful, then settling into a frown. If there had been a lightbulb over his head, it would have lit up instantly
"You thought…" Law repeated slowly, "what?"
"Let me explain," she cleared her throat. "The other night, I found out that several of my friends thought they were in a relationship with me. Even though I just considered them friends! I had no idea! And you were on that list!"
"And how many are 'several'?"
"Four. Including you."
"That’s not so bad," he shrugged. "And how many 'relationships' do you have left now?"
"You’re the last one."
"Perfect. That means you’re officially my girlfriend now. End of discussion."
Her jaw dropped. Law, ignoring her shock, picked his journal back up and flipped it open.
"No!" she nearly shrieked. "I want to be single!"
"You can be single. Just while dating me. If you want to go a month without seeing me, fine by me."
"That’s not how it works! And it’s weird, Law!"
She covered her face with her hands.
"How did you even know I was lying earlier?" she muttered.
"At first, I thought it was just your time of the month. Figured you were messing with me. Didn’t expect this kind of twist."
"Am I that unbearable on my period?"
Silence. She drew her own conclusions and clicked her tongue in irritation. Fine. Law’s armor was ridiculously thick. She hadn’t found a way to crack it yet, but by the end of the night, she would be single.
"Me, Zoro, Luffy," Law listed. "Who’s the fourth? Usopp?"
"Nami would murder me," she sighed. "Ace”
"Wait. Isn’t he with Yamato?"
"That’s what I thought. But apparently, three’s not a crowd."
Law nodded.
"Did Luffy even know you were dating?"
"Only that I brought him meat," she admitted.
"Then why was he on the list?"
"Even numbers are prettier."
"You’re Sanji. The prettiest number for you is three."
"Shut up."
That infuriating smirk of his was back. It grated on her nerves, pushing her closer and closer to the edge.
"So… the swordsman," Law mused. "You’ve got a type."
"Says you," she rolled her eyes. "I’m like a mini Corazon."
"You have a nice bonus in your pants, though. Wouldn’t want to climb into his ones."
"Funny. The other swordsman has the exact opposite opinion in this question."
"He wants to climb into my mentor’s pants?"
"Honestly? Wouldn’t surprise me."
Law snorted. He stood, offering to make tea, and disappeared into the kitchen. The sound of a kettle boiling filled the silence, and for three whole minutes, he was gone. When he returned, he carried two steaming mugs smelling of raspberry and mint.
She had bought him this tea. She was the one who’d broken his habit of drinking coffee at night. Maybe if she’d been less of a "girlfriend" and more of a "friend," she wouldn’t be stuck racking her brain for an escape now.
"So… we’re breaking up?" she asked, throwing her last card on the table.
"Keep dreaming," he blew on his tea.
"For the record, this isn’t romantic."
"I’m a selfish bastard, not a romantic."
He turned to face her fully.
"Though I am glad you recognise how abnormal this is, considering the garbage romance dramas you watch."
"Don’t call them that."
"Oh, she loves you!" "Oh, she could never love me!" "Oh, I love you!" He mimicked in a high-pitched voice.
"Did you have to do the voices too?!"
She sighed, sipping her tea.
"You’re terrible. Holding a girl hostage in a relationship."
"If Luffy had thought you were his girlfriend, you’d be stuck the same way. At least I’m not enslaving you as my personal chef."
"How lucky for me. And if that had happened, how would you two have settled who ‘kept’ me?"
"Knife fight."
Sanji laughed despite herself.
"Look, I get this is serious for you," Law finally said. "So we’ll talk properly in the morning. If you thought we were just friends this whole time, then something needs to change. Either we fix it, or we actually break up and stay friends."
"You… Wait, what? Are you serious?!" She blinked, hardly daring to believe it.
"We’re adults, Sanji. We solve problems — not bury them under jokes and hope they vanish. But nighttime’s for bad decisions, so we’ll figure it out tomorrow."
She nodded, staring into her cup.
"No point in you leaving tonight," he added. "Stay over. We’ll settle it in the morning."
"I keep forgetting you can be reasonable sometimes."
"…Thanks?" He raised an eyebrow. "Wanna watch something? Movie night. No romances, no superhero crap."
"Do we even have anything like that?"
"We’ll find something."
Law turned on the TV. Sanji stared at the screen, thinking that with him, everything was somehow both impossibly difficult and strangely easy. He didn’t want to break up, yet he was giving her a real chance to untangle things or call it quits.
Channels flicked by until a familiar melody played. Sighing, she texted Zeff that she’d be late to work tomorrow and settled in to watch. A part of her knew she was dodging the issue, but after the emotional whiplash of the past few days, she needed this. If she could delay the inevitable without guilt, why not?
"Hey, Sanji," Law said suddenly. "You should see a therapist."
"Why?"
"Three guys were in love with you, and you only found out by accident. That’s not exactly… healthy. Especially for someone as charming as you."
"At least I don’t have unrealistic expectations," she turned away, definitely not hiding a blush.
"…I’d recommend a psychiatrist, actually."
She rolled her eyes. Her tea was cooling, so she hurried to finish it. Warmth spread through her, the TV’s murmur lulling her as the day’s exhaustion finally weighed her eyelids down.
She faintly heard Law typing on his phone, the TV volume lowering. It wouldn’t hurt to nap here. She was staying over, after all. Giving in, she let herself drift off.
Nami’s call woke her.
Sanji rubbed her eyes, squinting at the screen. She sat up and answered. On the other end, Nami was yelling, struggling to form coherent sentences. Sanji understood nothing except that she’d somehow ended up in a bed instead of on the couch.
"Did you post that?!" Nami hissed.
"Post what?" Sanji mumbled.
"Ugh. Of course. Exactly what I thought. Check Snailgram. Now."
The call ended, leaving Sanji bewildered. She unlocked her phone and opened the app. Notifications flooded her screen. It took her a second to process, and then she saw a new photo on her profile.
The picture was simple: her hand resting in a larger, masculine one, and a TV glowing in the background. If she didn’t know better, she’d think it was a stock photo. But the real giveaway was the tattoo on the man’s wrist. Even no tags needed.
Over forty comments already. Law’s friends (how had they found her account?!) was congratulating them. Her mom and sister demanded an introduction. Robin gave a thumbs up. Vivi spammed question marks. Usopp begged for it to be a joke.
Her DMs were a nightmare.
Luffy asked if she’d cater his next party.
Ace sent a voice message of him and Yamato cheering that followed by an invite for a double date. He sounded thrilled.
Zoro complained that not only had she dumped him, but she’d also "stolen" his good future partner. (Then, grudgingly, he congratulated her and told her to be less obnoxiously public.)
Sanji’s teeth ground together. "We’ll talk tomorrow." "We’re adults." How had she fallen for that?! She’d seen how desperately he wanted to keep her. And now? Now he’d announced it to the entire world!
"TRAFALGAR D. WATER LAW! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" She launched out of bed.
For the next few days, Law walked around with a bruised cheek and a patch of missing hair. He didn’t even argue when she hit him cause he’d earned it. But now he was officially her boyfriend.
And judging by Robin’s knowing smile, the only status left for him in the future was one with a ring on his finger and a table full of Sanji’s friends and family at the celebration.