Chapter Text
"Okay, before I say what I'm about to say, you need to know I've already had half a bottle by myself," announced Tina, waving her glass of Sauvignon Blanc like a surrender flag. "So if I say something completely ridiculous, you can blame the alcohol."
Bette nearly choked on her own wine, laughing.
"Is this going to require me to open the second bottle you have hidden in your purse?"
"How did you know—?" Tina stopped mid-sentence, shaking her head. "No, don't change the subject. You know me too well, and that's exactly what gives me the courage to say this."
They had settled onto Bette's couch like so many other Friday nights, legs casually tangled, the apartment lit only by candles that made everything look like a scene from a romantic movie. Though neither of them was thinking about that. Well, not much.
"Alright, shoot," said Bette, shifting to give her full attention. "But first, let me guess: you slept with your boss and now don't know how to tell HR?"
"No! God, Bette, what kind of person do you think I am?"
"The kind who keeps emergency wine in her purse and makes dramatic announcements on a Friday night?"
Tina threw a pillow at her, which Bette easily dodged, both laughing like teenagers.
"Fine, fine, sorry. I'm listening. Serious mode activated." Bette put on her most solemn face, which lasted exactly three seconds before a smile escaped.
"I want to be a mother," Tina blurted out, as if she'd lose her nerve if she didn't say it fast.
Bette blinked several times, processing.
"Like... someday in the abstract future, or like...?"
"Like now. Well, not now now, I'm not going to run out and get pregnant tonight, but... soon. As soon as possible."
"Seriously?" Bette sat up straighter, suddenly much more alert. "Where is this coming from?"
"It's been bouncing around in my head for months," Tina sank deeper into the cushions, hugging her glass like a stuffed animal. "Yesterday, I saw a woman at Starbucks with her baby, and I literally teared up. At Starbucks, Bette! Over a random baby!"
"Okay, that's... intense."
"I know. And the worst part is, I have no idea how to even do it. I mean, biologically, I know how babies are made—I'm not an idiot—but I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a partner, and time is running out."
"Tina, you're thirty-two, not fifty."
"Exactly! Thirty-two. If I want more than one kid, I need to start now."
Bette took a long sip of wine, watching her best friend with a mix of amusement and tenderness. Tina in panic mode was simultaneously adorable and slightly terrifying.
"Have you considered dating apps? Bumble has an option for people looking for something serious..."
"Are you seriously suggesting I go find a father on Bumble?" Tina looked at her like she'd suggested adopting an alien. "'Hey, I like you, wanna reproduce with me?' Super romantic."
"Well, when you put it like that..." Bette laughed. "What about artificial insemination?"
"I've thought about it. But the idea of doing it completely alone terrifies me. What if something goes wrong? What if I'm a terrible mother? What if the baby cries and I don't know why and I'm alone in my apartment at three in the morning having an existential crisis?"
"First, you're not going to be a terrible mother. Second, all first-time parents have existential crises at three in the morning—it's like a rite of passage."
"How can you be so sure I won't be terrible?"
Bette gave her that look she reserved for when Tina was being too hard on herself.
"Because I've seen you keep that horrible plant in your office alive for three years. If you can manage that thing, you can definitely handle a baby."
"My ficus isn't horrible!"
"Tina, it has more dead soil than green leaves."
"It's in recovery!"
They both laughed until Tina noticed Bette watching her with a strange expression.
"What?"
"Nothing, it's just..." Bette paused, took another sip of wine, then looked her straight in the eye. "What if you don't have to do it alone?"
"You mean find a partner? Because we already established my romantic history is a disaster and I don't have time for..."
"No, I mean me."
The silence that followed was so absolute Tina could hear the wall clock ticking from the kitchen.
"You... what?"
"We could do it together. You, me, artificial insemination, co-parenting, the whole package."
Tina stared at her as if she'd just spoken Mandarin.
"Are you... are you drunk?"
"Probably a little, but not enough to say something I don't genuinely mean."
"Bette Porter, are you proposing we have a baby together?"
"Yes. Is that completely insane?"
"Completely," Tina nodded vigorously. "Totally insane. Absolutely bonkers."
"But...?"
"But..." Tina bit her lip, a mischievous smile forming. "It's the craziest idea I've liked in a long time."
"Really?"
"Think about it. We already basically live at each other's places on weekends. We already know all each other's horrible habits. We've already survived your minimalist decorating phase and my reality TV addiction."
"And we already know we can be in the same space for extended periods without killing each other," Bette added.
"Exactly! Plus, you have that super-developed maternal instinct. I've seen you with Kit's kids."
"And you're the most responsible person I know. You have a planner for your planner."
"It's a very efficient system!"
They looked at each other for a moment, the idea floating between them like something tangible.
"Are we really considering this?" Tina asked.
"I think we are. Does it terrify you?"
"Completely. You?"
"Same. But in the good way, you know? Like before getting on a rollercoaster."
Tina laughed, that nervous laugh that comes when something is so absurd it almost makes sense.
"Okay, but if we're doing this, I need you to promise me something."
"Anything."
"Promise me that when I'm fat, hormonal, and eating ice cream straight from the carton at two in the morning, you won't judge me."
"Deal. But you have to promise me that when I'm having panic attacks because I read too many internet articles about everything that can go wrong during pregnancy, you'll tell me to stop Googling."
"Also deal."
They shook hands in an absurdly formal gesture that made them both laugh.
"So are we really doing this?" Tina asked.
"I think we are. But first, we definitely need to open that second bottle of wine."
"To celebrate?"
"To process the fact that we just decided to have a baby together in under ten minutes."
"Good point. And maybe to practice how we're going to explain this to our friends without them thinking we've completely lost our minds."
"Oh, they're going to think we've lost our minds no matter what," Bette said, standing up to find the corkscrew. "But at least they'll think we're crazy people with good taste in wine."