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The feelings started a few books after they made it official.
Chase and him had been dating for approximately… three books, now? And the horrible emotion hadn’t even crossed his mind until just then. But as he watched from the side lines, the prince getting up close and personal, the first thought that crossed his mind wasn’t to help Chase out of a sticky situation. The emotions in his chest, dripping a sickly black goo into his impure heart, went unnoticed at first. A pang, like a stone skipping across a water’s surface, rippled throughout his entire being. He ignored it once, quick and forgettable as it was. But as he watched the scene before him, his character so conveniently hidden away as he eavesdropped to fulfill his villainess role, another wave of that… feeling washed over him.
His eyebrows furrowed, his lips turning down into the smallest of frowns. Chase listened to something the prince said, chuckling softly but not pulling away when the character reached a hand up to discreetly caress his shoulder. Another pang, one that felt more akin to a boulder falling off a cliffs edge into a tussling river’s tide. Buddy flinched at the jolting emotion, his eye twitching. He knew, or he should have known, that Chase didn’t mind the physical touch because he was so used to it by now. He knew, in theory, that Chase only had eyes for him, that he didn’t even want anything to do with the prince.
The white hot pounding in his chest said otherwise. Biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from doing anything rash, he swallowed down the feeling and continued to play his part. All he had to do was gain information on the prince and the heroine’s relationship before he could expose them and… and ‘relationship’ wasn’t the right term here but the gnawing feeling in his gut told him yes, yes they’re together and he’ll forget all about you and how had his thoughts gotten to that conclusion?
This time he bit on his tongue, holding himself back from springing out from behind the corner in the hallway to interrogate or possibly beat the prince up, and he felt the need to physically chain himself down lest he tackle the character like a rabid beast.
He realized, or course he did, that his decisions would become rash. It was a stupid book character, he wasn’t real and Chase had no feelings for this guy and why is he leaning closer to Chase, had this happened in the book?!
Chase, for the first time since the beginning of the story, looked uncomfortable and it made Buddy incredibly worried once he registered the emotion flitting across his features. But above the worry, the animal in his heart thrashed wildly.
He still felt that feeling, like a wave crashing against a cliff, eroding and eroding and eroding, despite the furrowed brow on Chase’s face, despite his clear distaste for the situation.
Chase dodged the kiss just before it could reach his lips, ducking under the prince’s arms and laughing out an awkward excuse before he ran in the opposite direction, his steps hurried.
And yet, with Chase gone, the feelings riling in his chest and stomach, Buddy couldn't stop the emotions from spreading until he felt it to his very core.
This time, as he watched Chase turn out of the room and in a different direction from him, the jealousy, which he had pinpointed it to be, was joined by another emotion thrown into the mix.
The feeling was a dreadful stone dropping into a lake and sinking down, down, down. As it hit the bottom, his eyes widened and he shuffled away from the scene, realizing what had just happened in a daze. Guilt, the newcomer, ate away at his insides.
He was no worse than a monster.
Buddy had to take the rest of the book to ponder his emotions. The feelings, gnawing and eating away at him, hadn’t subsided in the least.
The guilt and jealousy were later accompanied by something new as well.
Determination, the urge to do something about these feelings building up in his chest.
He wasn’t quite sure what that was about, just yet.
It took talking to Chase and sneaking away to press kisses into his skin and lips for the feelings to be thoughtfully carded aside, saved for another time. He had no room for them now, as his closed lips pecked kisses against Chase’s own. Bliss and content flooded his entire being, all former emotions all but forgotten as Chase gently wound his arms around Buddy’s neck, sighing happily into his mouth, his breath shuddering out and tickling Buddy’s lips.
He knew, realistically, that he could die happy right now. It wasn’t until they had subsided their kissing and were lying side by side on Chase’s character’s bed, entwined with one other both emotionally and physically in an embrace, that the feelings slowly started to resurface.
They were talking about everything and nothing all at once, Buddy’s thumb stroking a path along Chase’s shoulder as they cuddled. The same shoulder the prince had touched earlier. Buddy swallowed it down, but Chase noticed, always the attentive one.
“—Buddy?” Chase suddenly piped up, interrupting himself mid-ramble to lift his head and look his boyfriend in the eye. It took all the willpower left in him to not avert his gaze, instead meeting Chase’s eyes with his own and praying to whatever gods that he wouldn’t give away his resolve with a single glance.
“Mhm?” Buddy hummed, clearing his throat at his voice’s suspicious raspiness.
Chase observed him for a moment before shrugging, “hmm, you looked tense for a second there.”
Buddy tried to force his body to relax, which in turn caused him to stiffen once more. Chase’s eyes darted back to him. Buddy blinked, his hand stopping in its gentle rubbing against Chase’s shoulder, the same shoulder that the prince had touched, the one he had touched before he leaned in to—
“Hey, okay, so you’re clearly worrying about something right now,” Chase came to the conclusion. Buddy finally couldn’t take it and avoided eye-contact entirely. “Hah! You are. Tell me, Buds.” When Buddy simply took his hand off Chase’s stupid shoulder to moodily turn the opposite direction from him, Chase wound his arms around Buddy’s torso from behind, causing the taller boy to blush.
They slotted so well together, his back to Chase’s front, but he shouldn’t be thinking that when he was supposed to be annoyed right now. However, Chase was a cheat and started pressing kisses to the back of Buddy’s neck. “Tell me, tell me, tell meeeee!” He giggled in between smooches. He clearly was trying to make Buddy feel better, and it was working somewhat, but it only caused the guilt to grow.
Remembering the scene from earlier, Buddy huffed in exasperation despite leaning into Chase’s embrace like a pile of agitated goo. The guilt returned with gusto as he recalled what had happened; Buddy had felt jealous when Chase so clearly didn’t want a thing to do with that prince. When the prince tried to kiss Chase without a single word or warning, and Chase had quickly dodged to scamper away.
Buddy sighed haughtily into the bed sheets, muttering to himself. He was a monster. Selfish, stupid, jealous. Why couldn’t Chase just be like him, have one crack in his perfect personality, his beautiful soul. Be like him and get angry when the prince or the hero or whoever hit on Buddy.
God, he was being so stupid. Chase didn’t get jealous like Buddy did because he was the most amazing human alive and he would never say it out loud to the boy, he couldn't risk boosting Chase’s ego too much. And yet despite knowing this as a fact, knowing the boy was sunlight personified, it made him think.
If he saw Chase’s personality crack, just a bit. If he watched his boyfriend break apart, only a little, the same way Buddy had when he saw Chase with that prince, would it fit the pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle? Would he feel better? Would it make sense?
The guilt said no. Chase wasn't like that! Wasn’t selfish like Buddy. But jealousy, a stone skipping on water, a boulder crashing into a river, fought back. Its jaws opened wide over the guilt, snapping shut and trapping it there in its throat.
If he were to… It wouldn’t hurt. It couldn’t hurt Chase. Because Chase was made up of stars and light. But he had to know for sure, had to not be the only one feeling this way. Guilt screamed from the belly of the beast. Buddy couldn’t hear it over the rushing in his ears, the beating of his treacherous heart.
Chase’s ministrations behind him stopped, and Buddy was vaguely aware of the boy giving up and just using his embrace to comfort his boyfriend, his arms tightening around Buddy’s midsection and his breathing slowing down into gentle puffs of air against the back of Buddy’s neck.
Chase fell asleep as Buddy plotted his next moves.
The evil queen’s back was pressed against the seat of a throne, legs crossed and hands lying delicately in her lap. Before her stood a beautiful maiden— or rather, that was the story book version. Chase was glaring piteously at Buddy, his arms crossed over his chest in annoyance.
“Buddy, what do you mean I’m not a part of this scene? Deacon gave me notes and I’ll have you know I actually read them this time—!”
“Doubtful,” Buddy snickered, glancing discreetly over at the young king, the evil queen’s slowly dying husband, as Chase sputtered in offense. The vague plan had shaped in his mind a few days prior. The guilt, screaming as it attempted to claw its way out of jealousy’s throat, was paid little mind as step one of Operation Get Chase to React was kickstarted into motion. Buddy continued his well thought-out speech, “unfortunately, the king and queen have a few moments alone without the fair maiden, you, in the scene. Now go scuttle along as we talk.”
Buddy knew, he was well aware, that this whole scene was just that: an act. He could explain it away by telling Chase that he was fulfilling this character’s role. Except, he hardly got that into character these days, what with having derailed one too many stories with Chase anyway. The other elephant in the room was obvious. Freckles’ notes didn’t say a single sentence, not a word, about the king and queen’s supposed alone time. Buddy was making it up, and in his head, the role he played, not just as a book character but as an entirely new person in front of Chase, was eager to send the fair maiden away. If only to make Chase feel the same way Buddy did. Because he couldn't be the only one with these despicable emotions, could he?
Buddy knew what he was doing was cruel, an awful way to cope, to come to terms with his emotions. Jealousy swallowed thickly, its teeth clenching down to keep guilt from escaping. And so, with a huff of frustrated air and a turn on his heel, Chase stomped his way out of the throne room. Buddy watched him go, selfish satisfaction flooding through his veins. It was a start, but it wasn’t enough to confirm anything.
“Hmm…” Buddy hummed as the door closed behind Chase with a loud and reverberating thud. He stood up slowly from his throne and made his way to initiate phase two of his plan.
Striding across to the throne adjacent to his own, the one occupied by the sick king, Buddy observed the young man. He was barely even a prince and yet he still held the weight of the world on his shoulders. His sickly, hollowed-in face stared into the distance at nothing and everything all at once.
Buddy passed the king to grab a goblet of wine from a table. Casually, knowing the story version would hide his actions, he slipped out a tube of light powder. Poison. It was entirely a part of the plot, as it just so happened the evil Queen was the one poisoning the king.
Tilting the tube’s contents into the wine, Buddy carefully balanced the goblet onto a tray. He carried it over, all but tipping the contents down the king’s throat to drink. Right. Now that the scene was over, he could truly focus on the plan.
“Guard?” He called out coolly. A palace guard turned to him expectantly. “Will you be a dear and fetch the young maiden? I’ve just recalled that I needed her for something.”
The guard bowed in understanding as he went to retrieve Chase. As he did so, Buddy scrambled over to the only semi-conscious king. Using his shoulders as leverage, Buddy climbed up onto his lap and sat so his arms could wrap casually around the king’s neck. The king barely flinched, his character fulfilling its role as he sat there and didn’t react.
To anyone else, the clinging could be seen as intimate, loving. Buddy knew all too well that it was quite the opposite, and he had to resist wrinkling his nose in distaste. It felt so unnatural. This wasn't Chase and therefore this man did not deserve Buddy’s time of day. Sighing forlornly, all Buddy could do was wait impatiently until he heard two sets of approaching footsteps once more.
“—stupid!” Chase exclaimed as he talked the guard’s ear off once they entered through the arching doorway. “Buddy literally just told me to leave and now you’re telling me that…” Chase trailed off as he glanced up to see Buddy’s strange position in the king’s lap. “Uh… huh? Buddy?”
Before Buddy could smirk and start the next phase of his plan, his words died in his throat. The guard Buddy had earlier used to summon Chase stood behind the confused shorter boy, and his hand…
Was placed gently on Chases’s shoulder, caressing him. The same damn shoulder as last time.
This. Was not. Supposed to be written. In this Goddamn book!
This is what happens when I go even slightly off script , Buddy thought, his teeth grinding in anger. He jumped off the king’s lap, all but ruining his own master plan, and furiously made his way to the guard. Unlike the last time someone had touched his boyfriend’s shoulder, he didn’t hold back and instead slapped the guard’s hand away.
“Get off him!” Buddy snarled, and Chase jumped in surprise, as if he hadn't even noticed the hand that caressed him.
“Wha— Buddy! What’s going o—?!”
Buddy, instead of answering, just whipped his head to the side, glaring at the second palace guard in the room. “You!” He snapped, pointing a shaky finger. Using the first excuse that came to mind, he declared, “take this guard to the dungeons for treason!”
Chase’s jaw positively dropped, and the appalled expression was almost enough to make the guilt rip itself free from jealousy’s hold, but not quite.
He shouldn’t have to see me like this, Buddy thought in the back of his mind. And then jealousy swallowed again and guilt was back at square one. He had no time to doubt his actions as he whipped around and stomped from the room, Chase hot on his heels.
“Buddy! Buddy what the f— he didn’t do anything! Pardon him!” Chase demanded as he followed.
Buddy was muttering under his breath, and even he himself couldn't process what he was saying. Something along the lines of Chase caring more about a random character than he did about his own boyfriend’s feelings. Fortunately, Chase didn't hear any of it, the mumbling turning to whispers to chaotic thoughts.
Chase hadn't even mentioned Buddy and the king’s earlier predicament in the throne room. For all Chase could have known, they might have been having a private moment and Chase had walked in on them. But Chase, good Chase, stupid, perfect little Chase, hadn't even questioned it yet, still pleading for him to free the stupid guard as he followed behind. Although, Buddy did suppose he had distracted Chase from the king by bitch-slapping that treacherous hand away, enough to cause the boy to forget all about his possible jealousy.
The guilt in jealousy’s belly screamed that yes, that was it. But Buddy ignored it.
A failed experiment. He finally concluded. I’ll have to try it again.
Chase eventually did get Buddy to pardon the guard, with bribes and glistening, puppy-dog eyes. It didn't help with his conflicting emotions at all, and soon Buddy felt that guilt wasn’t the only being that jealousy had swallowed down deep into its stomach.
Buddy was grinding his teeth as he paced back and forth in his character’s room. It was the next book, after the disaster of the last one, and he had to make a second, better plan. It would work this time.
Muttering to himself, he came to a stop and took in a deep, shuddering breath. Okay. Yes. That would work. Time to somewhat derail another story.
Something in his stomach, something he’d almost forgotten about, was asking him why? Why must he be this way? Why must he be so insecure and selfish as to do this? It wasn’t jealousy pushing it down anymore, and instead Buddy shoved the guilt to the back of his mind, keeping it there to forget and dispose of later.
He made his way to the next scene. It was time for phase one of plan two to commence.
As he strode to the dining hall, boots clicking, he found Chase skipping his way down the palace halls to catch up to Buddy. Chase must have forgotten all about last book’s fiasco, as the only emotion on his stupid, wonderful face was pure delight to see his boyfriend.
Now why can’t you be like him?! Guilt chewed away at his insides. Buddy decidedly ignored it.
“Buds, wait up!” Despite his clashing emotions, Buddy smiled softly at the nickname, turning away from Chase to school his expression into something less fond and gooey.
Chase’s hand slipped into Buddy’s effortlessly, and it took all his willpower to not stammer like a schoolboy with a crush, instead blushing bright and hot.
Chase must have known what he was doing, because his fingers slowly intertwined in Buddy’s as they made their way down the hall, and soon he was stroking his thumb gently up and down the top of Buddy’s hand.
“Hrrg,” Buddy wheezed out smartly, and it was almost enough to make him forget the plan entirely.
Almost. He had to find out if he was the only one with these traitorous feelings.
They entered the dining hall and made their way to their respective seats. It was show-time.
Chase sat down first on one side of the prince, and Buddy took his spot on the other. Frowning, Chase noticed the vacant seat next to himself, and Buddy thought he saw a twinge of confusion flit across his features as he noticed that Buddy could have sat there, but he had chosen to sit beside the prince instead.
Buddy glanced away despite wanting to see more of this reaction as he felt yet another familiar pang throughout his being.
It wasn’t jealousy, but the other emotion that he had become all too accustomed with.
Okay. Phase two. Buddy recited in his head the plan and reached for a chocolate pastry as he started talking casually to the prince. He didn't want to seem too obvious, coaxing the prince to come to him instead of the other way around. Chase took little notice at first, busy shoving anything gluten down his throat. But as Buddy progressively directed less and less words of conversation towards him, he glanced over to see that the prince and Buddy were now talking animatedly about something.
Chase blinked and Buddy tried his hardest to not let his eyes wander to Chase’s to gauge his reaction, instead keeping his eyes solely on the prince’s. He could feel it. He was getting closer to finding out. Chase would get jealous, the same way Buddy had been, and Buddy would be able to feel at peace once more.
Buddy, in his excitement, glanced hesitantly at Chase over the prince's shoulder to find..!
Chase was smiling at him.
…huh?
Buddy all but halted in his words, a sentence dying in his throat. Chase’s eyes flickered down to Buddy’s shoulder, his grin widening almost smugly.
“Hah!” Chase laughed out as the prince retracted his hand away from Buddy’s shoulder— wait, when had that gotten there?!
Buddy blinked rapidly as Chase snickered into his hands. What the hell was happening…?
Before Buddy could ponder it further, Chase was already standing up from the table, attempting to quench his giggles, and was talking. “Scuse us, princey,” he said as he grabbed Buddy and hauled him up. “Gotta talk to this villainess here, be right back!”
Buddy went willingly, a bit in shock actually, as they headed to a corner of the dining hall, away from prying eyes.
Chase took in a deep breath and let out another laugh, this one loud enough to cause curious stares to flit over to them from onlookers. So much for privacy. “Dude— now you know!” He cackled as he gasped for breath, hunching over as his hands landed on Buddy’s shoulders to hold himself up.
Buddy’s heart had stopped beating for a moment before he let out a small, disbelieving huff of air. No. There was no way Chase had found out about his inner turmoil, had he? ‘Now you know’ wasn't referring to him finding out the answer to his burning question, was it?! Because he didn’t know. He didn’t know if Chase could even feel jealousy the same way Buddy did.
He wanted to know, but it seemed Chase had figured it all out before him.
“I can explai—!”
But he was interrupted as Chase continued, now holding his stomach as snickers escaped his parted lips, “now you know how it feels like to be hit on by another dude!”
Buddy froze.
What. No. That’s not— what?!
One eye twitched as Chase’s laughs slowly dissolved into nothing, and then Chase was crowding into his space and he still couldn’t move. “Dude, you do realize that I’ve been suffering constantly from these stupid guys’ flirting and now you’re the one who’s—! Um, Buddy?”
Buddy didn’t realize it until then but he had started to tremble. Not little tremors but a full-body shake, and he felt an unfamiliar pressure behind his eyes and his throat was closing up.
Chase didn’t feel the same way. And it made sense, or course it did, because Chase couldn’t be anything bad, wasn’t anything bad, he was just starshine, too good for this world. Chase didn’t feel jealous, but Buddy did. Buddy did and he was not good enough for this brightly shining star.
He knew this feeling. He knew this feeling and it had escaped from its containments in the belly of jealousy, it had ripped the beast apart and freed itself.
Guilt seeped into his body from head to toe like rapidly rising waters. His breaths came out raggedly and he couldn’t really tell what was going on around him. He heard a voice distant and muffled, calling his name but he couldn’t respond and oh god what was happening to him?
He had ruined it. He’d ruined them. His stupid, selfish jealousy was now making him pay the price. Guilt was screaming at him, an onslaught of hate and self-loathing that he deserved.
He was the monster. He was the monster who swallowed guilt. The one who pushed it down to find answers, the beast that bit and clawed. He was jealousy. He was the monster.
It was a few minutes later or it was hours, he didn’t know. But at that moment, he had finally calmed down enough to realize, finally aware of his surroundings once more, that he was in a bedroom.
Buddy was sitting on the edge of the bed as Chase was rubbing gentle circles on his back.
He still felt shaky. Less so, now. So that was a good thing.
His eyes felt less itchy now that the pressure had been released. Tears had finally stopped rolling in streams down his cheeks. Ah, yes, he had been crying. Panicking? The memory was embarrassing. This was now the second time he had an episode in front of Chase. He felt sheepish, the feeling a blanket compared to his earlier attack.
He would admit, having repressed feelings suddenly resurface definitely wasn’t what he would call a fun time. It was the magnitude of the episode that shocked him. Buddy hadn’t expected something as miniscule as guilt to cause this. Although, now that he had gone through it, he supposed ‘miniscule’ wasn’t the right term.
Chase seemed to realize he was coming back to him, because he gently ducked his head to glance into Buddy’s eyes. “…Hey,” he murmured, a comforting smile on his lips. “You back?”
Buddy hesitated but nodded, not wanting to worry his caring boyfriend. His eyes darted away once Chase’s gaze softened from worry to something much more gentle. The guilt still gnawed at his heart, eating away at him slowly.
“Wanna talk about it?” Chase asked, and Buddy frowned. Chase hummed, but it wasn’t a disappointed sound, just sympathetic. “Okay. Can I ask you questions and you can answer yes or no?” When Buddy hesitated, Chase’s gentle smile turned down, just by a hair, but he didn’t let that deter him. “Or we can just lay down and forget this happened.” Buddy still didn’t answer and Chase wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “I can leave, if you want..?”
It didn’t sound like Chase wanted to leave, and Buddy didn’t want that either so he shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak to find his voice raspy. Clearing his throat once, twice, he finally managed to whisper out, “you can ask questions.” He didn’t want Chase to be left in the dark.
Chase was nodding immediately. “Okay. I'm gonna lay us down, just shake or nod your head, you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to.”
In response, Buddy nodded, and Chase pulled him to his chest and laid them down on the bed. Buddy curled his body into Chase’s, realizing how undeserving of his boyfriend’s affections he was.
Last time they had been like this, Chase comforting Buddy, was when he had realized his feelings for the shorter boy. Buddy thought those feelings had grown even more since then.
“Okay,” Chase started once they were situated. “I’m guessing it had to do with the prince back there?”
Buddy nodded, his head nuzzling against Chase’s chest.
“Was it because I was joking about guys hitting on you?”
Buddy slowly shook his head. It wasn't entirely wrong, but it wasn't right either.
“Hmm. Okay, was it because of me mentioning guys hitting on me?”
Buddy froze. Nail on the head.
Chase hummed, and he leaned down to kiss Buddy’s head. “Cool. That answers my next question then.” Buddy was curious and Chase filled him in, “I was gonna ask if you get jealous easily.”
“Huh?!” Buddy squeaked, trying to pull away but Chase held him closer to his chest instead, shushing him and petting his boyfriend’s hair, knowing how much Buddy would melt at that.
“So I’m right? I mean, I kind of figured. Didn't think you would ever admit to it so I never asked.” He stopped in his gentle head patting and grinned to himself. “It’s pretty obvious though.”
Buddy was unintelligibly cursing and muttering into Chase’s chest, clearly embarrassed. Chase just giggled as if it were endearing.
“I mean,” Chase sighed, carding his fingers through Buddy’s hair once more, “you’ve been trying to make me jealous too, haven’t you?” Buddy went eerily quiet, and Chase backtracked. “Hey! I’m not mad about it, just—”
“You should be,” Buddy groaned, ashamed and self-loathing. How Chase had figured it out so fast was beyond him. He deserved to be hated by his boyfriend. Buddy had tried to hurt him just so he could help himself—!
“No more spiraling on my watch, mister,” Chase held him tighter to his chest. He breathed in and out slowly, setting an example for Buddy to follow.
They stayed like that for a moment before Buddy allowed himself to speak again. “I’m sorry, Chase. I did something that could have possibly lost your trust just for my own reassurance. I was being selfish.”
Chase immediately agreed, “oh, yeah, it was selfish.” Buddy deflated against him. “But I still trust you.”
Buddy huffed against his boyfriend. He didn't deserve this little idiot.
They stayed in that way for a bit more as Buddy found his words again. “Why..?”
“Why what?”
“Why don’t you feel the same? Why don’t you feel jealous like I do?”
Chase was quiet for a moment. Finally, “you want the honest answer?”
Buddy hummed affirmatively.
“…It’s because, with the way you look at me, I can’t imagine you loving anyone else.”
Buddy’s breath hitched, because that was exactly how he felt. And Chase, observant, shining Chase, had noticed. “Yes,” he sighed out, burrowing his face into Chase’s chest before pulling away and looking into his eyes. “Yeah. I can’t. You’re the only one, it’s you.”
A grin spread across his boyfriend’s face. He spoke with mock offense, “exactly, so why can't you trust me? You do realize I feel the exact same way, right?”
Buddy blinked. Well— he just hadn’t thought of that. So instead, he opted to stuffing his face into Chase’s collarbone. “Yeah but those stupid princes are shallow and don’t deserve to touch your pretty shoulder—”
Chase giggled around a delighted gasp, “you think I’m pretty?”
“‘Course I do, pretty idiot.”
“Yeah okay, call me that again some time, phew! I’m swooning, do you see me swooning, Buddy? I can’t swoon nearly as well as you can but I’m sure with enough practice I’ll be able to— mmph!”
Buddy interrupted his pretty boyfriend with his lips against his, and neither complained as they indulged in one another. It was a soft kiss.
It was a kiss that gently dissipated the guilt until there was nothing left except a contently beating heart.