Chapter Text
MM/DD/YY
Dear Diary, you can fuck yourself.
Fuck you, and fuck the keyboard I am typing on, fuck the screen that shines too damn bright in this ungodly hour. I hate everything and I hate All Might for dragging me to see UA’s local shrink because I had, what he assumed, an anxiety attack.
Well fuck him for that, because I didn’t! Just because I realized that dumb Deku had been hiding his power from me all my life and got a bit dizzy thinking it over doesn’t mean I have an anxiety disorder or some shit! So fuck you again and again, because I hate every second that I spend typing this shit out! Fuck those stupid counselors that think they can fix something where there is nothing to fix!
I am fucking fine! I won against that nerd in his ugly ass costume. It was criminal, I wouldn’t be surprised if his mommy made it. Mommy’s boy, always ran crying at smallest thing. Pussy. Hero work isn’t cut for him. If he will cry on the battlefield, it would be a disgrace to all of the hero community. Fuck, I got to slow down. My hands are smoking, shit.
Stupid Dog Head told me to write at least one good thing that happened the day that I am writing this shit. The Hag and Old Man were happy that I won. I guess it was one good thing about today. That’s all, everything else was downright awful. The most awful thing was that I cried in front of the nerd.
He was looking down on me before, and now Deku has proof that I am a fucking weakling, shit. Well, fuck him too! Because I will wipe the floor with his stupid freckle-ridden face and rip that stupid mask off and break it and blow it to smithereens so he knows who has the true right to be number one! I put blood, sweat and tears to get in this damned school, so like hell I will let some ugly nerd take my place.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Fuck you again, stupid Diary.
It’s not even a fucking diary, it’s a text document. Too bad I got to see the Dog Head once a week and talk shit out. If he asks me what conclusions have I reached while writing, I swear I will blow up my PC. Which I can’t do because I need proof that I have been completing this damn exercise. Whatever.
I am frustrated every day. But I don’t want to write every single fucking day because every day the same things piss me off. Stupid teachers that give off too much homework piss me off the least because this is the top school in the country, I would be stupid if I expected any less of them. Yet still the homework takes too much time, I would rather exercise or some shit.
I got to surpass every bastard in my class. There are only a couple who match my strength and class rank. So I need to be better. And I need to show Deku that he can fuck off from stepping on the back of my shoes. Stupid stalker. Next to me in rank and sits behind he in class muttering a storm, and even in hero classes he somehow is close! If I see his ugly mug one more time I will punch his teeth in.
Just who does he think he is? Too bad I can’t show him his place like I did in middle school. Now he has a squad of dumbasses that cling to his every word. He was a quirkless loser a month ago, and now everyone wants to befriend him! Who would want to be friends with that awkward loser? Maybe they are too stupid to realize that he is just a slug. I am not.
The only decent thing that happened is that Shitty Hair decided to hang around. I think he is as stupid as the rest of my classmates, but even more than that on top of it. Who would befriend me? At least Deku pretends to be kind and flustered. I am as friendly assdpsljkfcmd ugh I dint want to think about a metaphor. Fuck it all.
Hag is happy that I made a ‘friend’. As much as I want to rip my hair off, I will agree that he is a decent guy. He can take my explosions and stand his ground, I respect that. He would be better if he didn’t talk my ear off while we walk to train station, though.
And while we walk and pass through Deku who lingers to talk to Round Face for whatever the fuck reason, the nerdy slug gives me a strange look. I don’t have any fucking clue what that look is, to be honest. He never made it before. And it appears every time Shitty Hair teams up with me or yaps in my ear. Does the nerd let his mask slip up or some shit?
I knew that he wasn’t as gullible as he made himself out to be. Didn’t think I could have life without him present??? I fucking can and I will. I will wipe that look off of his face once and for all and prove that I can be better than him. When his ‘friends’ find out just who he was and who he is deep down, they will leave him and I will laugh. Because quirkless loser will be a quirkless loser no matter what.
I pray that I will never nave to see him again after we graduate. I think it would be the easiest thing, because he will be at the bottom of the charts anyway.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Dad took us out for ice cream. It was nice. Hag didn’t nag me too much.
They are happy for me, as much as they try to subdue it. I am happy that they are happy, I just never show it. I hope they don’t think I hate them. I just…it’s too late to tell them I appreciate them. I never told them, maybe once or twice when I was a little brat.
Why feelings are so hard?! I don’t get them. I hate it all. Ugh. Stupid therapy makes me think of unnecessary stuff. How the hell my family life relates to my study ethics? Fuck it all.
MM/DD/YY
What the fuck.
What the actual fuck?! What the fuck. I just. I can’t. What?!
Everything was normal, we arrived at USJ and I was ready to kick some ass, and the fucking villains appeared. Real villains. Real. It was real. Fuck, my hands are shaking. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Good thing that happened because I am obeyed to write out good things that happened no matter how shitty the day was, was that I got to kick ass for real. Those low grade bastards stood no chance against my explosions. If I will feel that exhilaration every time I fought villains in the future, I would rise to the top as quick as no one did before.
Shit. Got carried away. I took down the foggy guy who was teleporting all of those bastards to us. He was stupid to make his body armor so damn obvious. Was feeling proud, but then I saw the main guy. He was scrawny and sickly looking. I thought that he wouldn’t be a threat but then he wiped out sensei’s skin. It was…not great.
Deku always got himself in dangerous situations. He is so stupid. Who in their sane mind would get between that beast that was made to replicate All Might’s strength and the leader of the villains who tried to kill our classmates?! Deku did. Because he was stupid asshole who thinks he can help in situations he has no fucking business to be in.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Fuck him and fuck everything. Fuck him, because I was worried about him for the first time in my life. All Might showed up and saved the day, but I will not forget the nerd for making me feel how I felt back there. Weakling spreads his weakness all around.
Fuck him and fuck those villains, because now Hobo-sensei is covered in bandages and I was useless at helping. Even worthless Deku had guts to stand at the line of action. I didn’t.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
We were attacked just a day ago and still got to do homework?! Fuck this shit.
If Shitty Hair continues not to understand the curriculum, his quirk will not save him from my explosions. He pays for tutoring with food, that’s nice. Couldn’t pay for my damaged nerves, though.
MM/DD/YY
Won the sport festival just like I said I would.
Parents were happy. One good thing of the day. The medal stands on the shelf for every guest to see now. Maybe I will win a couple more to join it.
Deku won the race quirkless. Was he mocking me? How could he?! I mean, I know the nerd is smart. But this is a threat. If he outsmarted me without that borrowed power, what will he do when he masters it? I need to get even stronger to beat him, then.
That Round Faced girl almost got me. I can see what Deku likes in her. She is determined and strong. Only thing I hate is that she orbits Deku as if he is worth something. Half and Half will soon follow her; I saw how awestruck he looked when Deku spoke to him after the festival. The nerd just stated the obvious, I have no fucking clue why that Icyhot bastard would be moved by that. I don’t understand why anyone would want to hang around Deku willingly.
And they look at him as if he hung all the damn stars in the sky. Yeah, breaking his arms is very chivalrous. The nerd is stupid and reckless. If something went wrong, he would’ve had torn his mouth open as he used it to sling his finger. His hands were purple and bent at unnatural angles. Just for him to lose at the festival. Stupid idiot.
Icyhot is even more stupid. Refusing to use fire and making me sweat less. It was a draw but I knew that I lost. I thing everyone knew that too yet they chose to give me the first place regardless. I said no. They demanded I accept it. I refused. And they chained me.
Hands, feet, even my head. The chains were real. And the muzzle.
Stupid muzzhandsfgjlk[dfike;ddf[FUCK YOUFUCKYOUFUCKTHISSHIT
It was so humiliating. They wouldn’t unchain me. I was like a dog. I thought of my parents watching. And I was ashamed.
I fucking hate this shitofgdlkjvcdgf[oj;bkvcl
And I was scared! Alright?! Because no matter how much I tried to calm down I was still reminded of sludge asshole that almost killed me. And All Might grinned at me and placed that cursed medal on my neck and it didn’t help because it weighted heavy. He was supposed to save me just like he did back then but he just laughed and congratulated me. I tried not to meet Deku’s eyes but I did anyway. And I hate what I saw in them.
If this stupid exercise will make me repeat and document all my mistakes, I will blow this PC up. I don’t see the point of it! It all just makes everything worse!!! Fuck it all.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Shitty Hair and I went to nice ramen shop to celebrate my victory. They had kickass hot sauce. Still working on my communication as shrink suggested, can’t be the asshole all the time. So we tried to talk.
Asked me about my life before UA. Said it was shitty. He replied ‘same’ and changed the direction asking him about how I knew Deku. Told him to fuck off. So he chose to tell me that he knew Raccoon Eyes from middle school and wouldn’t stop gushing at her improvement and drive. I called him a lousy sap and he just smiled??? I don’t get it all.
He got as red as his hair when I asked if he like her or some shit, so I guess yeah. Well, they fit? Horrible fashion taste. Yippy as puppies. Stupidly optimistic. Both of them deserve each other. Asked me if I like someone. Told him I love victory. He scoffed.
Well excuse me I don’t bother with that mushy shit! I have no fucking time for that, number one isn’t going to reach itself. As if someone could love me.
MM/DD/YY
Deku. His hero name is Deku.
That fucking bastard.
I felt my blood boil. Here I was proud that I got three thousand internship requests and he comes and ruins my day. Idiot, I hate him more than I hate everything in the world. He is definitely mocking me. He looks at me with pity and now he is spitting in my face every time he says his hero name.
And his friends like it! And call him Deku! They didn’t know it means useless, they thing it means that he can do his best. Stupid fucks. I know. I know what it means. I know everything about him. More than they could imagine. Hell, I gave that name to him in the first place!
Fuck him and fuck those stupid code names. And fuck those internships. And fuck denim and jeans and those stupid combs. I hate all of that shit. I only chose Best Jeanist because he had the highest rank and now he hates me! Well sorry denim clad asshole that I want to fight and not bother with my hero persona. After that damned sports festival I gave up on public opinion of me completely. So he can fuck off.
Let them think of me as an asshole or as a villain, I don’t give a shit. Let them think all they want; I don’t give a shit. At all! Because I am doing it for myself. Yeah.
Stupid tears!1! I can’t see shit, fuck. When did I become such weakling? The only thing that made me happy this week was that I am an apprentice to one of the highest ranking heroes and Deku got some old geezer. Because nobody wants him. And every hero wanted me by their side. I am worth of something, damn it!
That’s true because Jeanist thinks so. He wants to take me in next year. He wouldn’t want me beside him if I disappointed him completely, wouldn’t he?
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Going to summer camp tomorrow. Kind of excited. Ugh, fuck, who am I kidding…of fucking course I am excited! Just need to bear with the classmates for a couple of days. I think it will be kickass, they told us we will go beyond our usual capacities. I will show them how you go beyond, especially to the nerd who still barely manages to control his quirk.
MM/DD/YY
Hey.
Writing this from the dorm. They built them in three days.
Because of me. Everything always is because of me, isn’t it? I am the asshole that ruins everything good. Class of future heroes all bright eyed and here I am snarling and angry. Every hero lesson I fuck up by being uncooperative and brash. Even in dangerous situations. Hell, sports festivals made villains think I am one of them!
I am not a fuckin villain! Because of the traitor they found out where we were and hunted me down. Only me. No one else. But they bruised many of my classmates. Deku was the worst. I couldn’t stand to look at his beaten body. He barely moved one leg after the other and yet was babbling about protecting me. Selfless bastard. I hate him. That little boy that hated him earlier couldn’t stop crying and clinging to him. Of fucking course he did, nerd was always good with those little brats.
I hate this exercise because I need to admit shit. It helps, but I fucking despise repeating things that happened, especially when they are awful.
His scream haunted me when I was chained up in League’s lair. The chains were constricting, muzzle, all that stuff. But it all fell into the background. He was shouting at them to let me go. That I was his.
I was his. I was his. I was his. It was like loop all that time I was chained. And I was trying to calm myself by thinking that he wasn’t there with me. Because stupid selfless idiot would have followed after me if I haven’t told him not to. I don’t want to think about that. He needed to recover. If he followed, they would’ve left him on the floor to die. I don’t think he remembers how he was shouting because of the shock. I thought he would snap his vocal chords at that rate.
But I do remember. I can’t meet his eyes now. Because I am ashamed.
I thought that he was hypocritical and patronizing just because in my mind I wanted him to be. I wanted to form that image in my head that justifies my hate for him. I wanted to find even the tiniest speck of something negative about him to have a reason to beat him up and belittle him. Because he is better than me. And it hurt.
He always was the better one. He was half dead and worried about me. He could’ve been expelled from his dream school for pulling the stunt of rescuing me. But he did it all anyway. And when All Might fought with that dangerous villain, Deku stood by my side despite me snarling at him ever since we were four.
I still don’t understand what he sees in me worth saving. He knows I hate him. Yet he saves me just because I needed help. Stupid heroic bastard.
Shitty Hair and Deku were only ones that gave a shit to rescue villainous Bakugou. And when All Might deflated and was weak, he gestured to the camera saying ‘You’re next’, Deku began crying. I tried not to cry. Not because All Might was powerless, but because I know damn well that those words weren’t directed to me.
I wasn’t the true hero. Deku was. I was just poor bastard that needed to be saved. Because I acted so cruel that villains though of me as one of their own.
Shit. Now I am crying again. It seems like only thing I can to these days is be angry and cry. I disappointed everyone. My parents and my teachers, even my classmates. I’m a fucking disappointment. I hate everything. It hurts.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Diary, referring to the PC as a diary sounds dumb.
Almost hurt All Might when debris fell from my new AP Shot. His arm was still in a cast. He is so skinny and frail now. Felt like shit after that.
Repaid my debt to Kirishima. Made class laugh by making Pikachu short circuit. They were sad, now everyone is excited about room contest. I wouldn’t be participating. My room is too plain anyway. Good thing about today: Deku will lose the contest because his room will be too full of All Might merch to be considered nicely decorated.
Deku looks fine but I know he is not. He loses himself in vigorous exercise. It’s not healthy. He would say that me avoiding our classmates isn’t healthy too, but I don’t give a shit. He can fuck off.
Failed provisional hero license exam. Deku didn’t. Of course he didn’t.
I need to get it together. I still think about Kamino Ward.
I am glad Shitty Hair managed to catch me, but still. Why didn’t Deku reach out? He wanted to help so badly at the summer camp, what changed? He wasn’t looking at me as they flew over. He wasn’t looking at me when we stood in the crowd watching All Might fight. He is hesitant to be near me in common room. But it’s not like I am approachable in the first place. Still, I thought he…I thought he would ask me about it? He was always so nagging. He wanted to know everything about me when we were younger.
Aaaaaaaaaaughrgpfdlkpvidlf
Oh well, fuck him then! As if I needed his opinions anyway! He probably studied my combat techniques to know my weak spots all the time I thought he admired me. Like hell I will be weak in front of him. Fuck him and all of my classmates who look at me with pity! I don’t need pity! I am not a charity case.
And I don’t want to see All Might. He will look at me and say that everything will be alright. But it will not! It will never be alright because I fucked it all up! That’s the only thing I know how to do! That’s all!
The only thing counselling helps to do is to admit that I am a fucking worthless weakling! I am the one they should blame for All Might’s downfall and need to be protected all the time in school! And this stupid diary bullshit is just a proof of what useless shit I am. Nothing good, only my fucking failures. Because that’s what I am. I am a shitty hero and even shittier person. No wonder villains kidnapped me.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Deku beat the shit out of me.
I wish he would’ve punched harder. I deserved that.
We got a detention and house arrest. Now I have time to think things through.
I was right about the borrowed power. He got it from All Might himself. Lucky quirkless Deku. Always gets what he wants. I was so angry. I think I was angry because I was envious. All Might showed up and confirmed that even without quirk Deku was heroic, that’s why he was a successor. And he hugged me. It was a bit easier to breathe after knowing that he wasn’t blaming me for the loss of embers.
I was angry but I understood his choice. Deku was the only one rushing to me when all of the heroes stood still, back then in middle school. I get it. I understood it at summer camp and in Kamino Ward. But then I was…I don’t know how I felt after fight ended.
Deku said that I was more important to him than All Might. He said it. I heard that. It was real. He admitted that. I was more important. I fell and he rushed to help me. I didn’t deserve that. Selfless bastard. I still run our fight over in my head. I was there in his life. I was the most important to him. Despite what I had done.
He was so frustrated when we fought. It took a beating to get his point into my head. He wasn’t looking down on me, never was. Deep down I knew it. And I pretended like it was a fluke. He is a hero. A true one. A genuine one. And yet he told me that it was I who was the epitome of heroism to him.
As if I deserve that. Deku needs to find someone better than me. To think of your bully as a hero? Masochistic fuck. Why does he hate himself so much to be near me? Why does he want to befriend me? I don’t get it. As long as I knew him he was a complete mystery to me.
And I am afraid. I am scared because I know that I won only because the bastard can’t use the quirk to its full potential yet. He is strong and determined. Those eyes were glowing with power. He was getting faster each minute I grew exhausted. Deku was making All Might’s power his own.
The sparks from the quirk grazed me as he tried to land a hit. It was electrifying.
And it was scary.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Just because he confessed that he thinks of us as equals doesn’t mean I don’t hate him. I still do. Mostly I hate how he acts. It’s like he is begging to go to the infirmary every training, stupid asshole. Self-sacrificial bastard with those stupid wide eyes. I want to kick dust in them just for him to stop looking at me. Can’t have a fucking breather away from him. Leech.
Talked to the therapist. He said that I am changing in right direction or whatever the hell, ugh. I am not changing. I am the same asshole I always been. My idiot friends can confirm that. He praised me that I stuck with writing about my feelings. Felt nice.
Deku smiled at me when I finally got my provisional hero license. Asked to tell him my hero name. As if. He will notice the All Might reference and I will not live that shit down. Whatever. My name is better than ‘Deku’ anyways. I told it to Best Jeanist, though. Asshole believed in me so I owe it to him.
Little brats were exhausting, especially that cocky ringleader. I scolded him and told him to get his head out of his ass and he liked me for that? Children are so weird. If Deku was there he would’ve been swarmed by them. He already got those two little brats at dorm wrapped around his fucked up scarred finger. He still acts like child so of fucking course they woidsfpklcd
UGH this is my diary, why do I spend my time talking about him?! He can fuck off. He follows me in school and in dorms and now even inside this stupid text document. Fuck him and every single fucking thing he stands for.
Good thing that happened today: made nice food for the class. Bad – constantly hear Kirishima snoring through dorm walls, pisses me off.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Fuck off. Fuck off and if you are rereading the logs, don’t fucking judge me for what I’m about to write here, asshole. Don’t dare, this is my fucking PC and if I can avoid anyone snooping through my notebooks I will. That’s why I am writing it out here. Shut the fuck up. Shut up.
[pasted from midfullnessjournall.hero.net] How to fix broken friendship:
-Acknowledge your feelings (Hate the bitch. Learning how to respect him though)
-Validate your friend’s feelings (He is not a friend and how the fuck I validate his sappy feelings? They are not mine??? So unnecessarily complicated)
-Listen actively (to his endless mutterings? No way in hell)
-Be vulnerable (As if I will let the nerd see my weaknesses, to hell with it)
-Apologize (hell no, I would rather take another beating)
-Be patient (I can barely fucking stand him, how will I be patient, damn it?! He pisses me off with his every action)
-Take responsibility (I am writing this stupid list, am I fucking not?)
-Suggest activities you might do together (I will not be sitting there as he fills his nerd journals and mutters. What else nerd likes to do beside that and training? Worthless talentless fuck)
-Express gratitude (hell no)
Ugggggh why am I fucking bothering with that?! Clearly we are not meant to be more than I don’t know…rivals? Whatever. It’s not like I need him in my life anyway. Like hell I will go around suggesting we hang out and praising his work. I will not do that even if sometimes I am impressed by him.
I am not a weakling like him to be all sappy. I am not. Every advice those stupid blogs give out is stupid. Friendship is stupid. I fucking hate my life.
It’s not like the nerd would want to be friends with me anyway. He told me that we were proper rivals now. Who needs friendship to be rivals? Friendship will make me vulnerable, and Deku will know too much about me to use it against me someday. So fuck it all and fuck him. Not like I need someone new when those idiots that stuck around are making my ears ring even louder then they are every time they screech when we have game nights.
Damn right. I don’t need him. Stupid to even consider mending something that was ruined beyond repairing. Wow, who is to blame? I have no damn clue.
Good thing that happened – Kirishima praised my cooking and so did the rest of the idiots. Won against Soy Sauce in Mario Cart. Mina gave me tips how to protect my hair from heat damage of explosions so it won’t go fizzy. Bad thing: Deku. He looked tired today. I don’t like his dull eyes. Makes me feel icky.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Deku was in my room. He went away just now.
I was sleeping and heard knocking. He stood there. But it was as if it wasn’t him????
He is usually crying but his eyes were dry. And they looked empty, it was unnerving and I hate that. He asked me if he could spend the night. I sent him off to his buddies because what the hell? You have people who stick around and choose last fitting person to comfort you? He was clearly fucked up to show himself in front of my door.
He muttered that he had a nightmare, invited himself over and laid on my floor. I was struck because what?? Asked him what he thought he was doing. And he told me that I probably would be disgusted if he slept on my bed.
Disgusted. By Deku.
And then he passed out after apologizing for ruining my night and that it won’t happen again.
Well, he did ruin my night alright. Because I couldn’t fucking sleep seeing the lump of blanket on my carpet with one scarred hand sticking out of it. Good thing it was Saturday night, because if it happened on weekdays, I would’ve thrown Deku out.
I wouldn’t. Fuck. I wouldn’t dare to throw him out and he fucking knew it. I just…he looked so broken and pitiful. It was awful. I hate him and I hate myself. Should’ve allowed him to sleep on my bed. We have done I countless times as kids, I wouldn’t be disgusted like he said I would be.
Why would I be, though? Shit. Does Deku think he is disgusting? Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck[fod;gcvpof Fuckfuckduck it’s my fault, isn’t it? He is trying to be confident and make friends and here I was, thinking he is plotting some shit when he had the opportunity to be normal and accepted for the first time in his life!
Have I fucked him up beyond fixing? Because healthy people sure as hell didn’t harm themselves willingly and put their life on the line as much as he did. I said he was worthless. Countless times. Almost every day. Does he still think that he is worthless even with the quirk? Not with any quirk, but with All Might’s…
Fuck. I haven’t cried in long time. Can’t see the damn keys. Why wasn’t he crying? He always was a crybaby. Why did he look dead? I fucking hate that look even more than I hate him. It would be easier if he cried on my doorstep. I at least would know what to do.
Shit. I am a monster. I am. No wonder everyone hated me and told me I was a villain. I am disgusting. What the hell have I done to him?! Wh
Deku should be genuinely smiling just like he did when we were kids and here he is grimacing through pain and no one knows that it is not genuine. I know. He smiles with too many teeth and his dimples show and his eyes crinkle so much that they look closed. That’s how he should smile. He never smiles when he fights. Especially against me.
He flinches every time I raise my hand. Shit. Fuck. Fuckingshitadjfdghrfogdvnm He flinches. I thought for all my life he was a coward that’s why he was scared to get hurt. Now I know. If he is breaking his arms to save and stands up against the villains. He isn’t scared to be hurt. He is scared of me.
I’m a fucking monster and he still calls me Kacchan as if I can be his friend again. I don’t
I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to be near Deku and I only make everything worse. He deserves his new friends and love and admiration. I only ever hurt him and burn him. I was marks from my explosions on his shoulders. That’s not him who is disgusting. It’s me.
I’m the useless scum. I am. Not him.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
I hate that Deku gives me those looks I can’t decipher.
Does he think I will tell someone about his nightmares? I am a monster, but I am not heartless. Still strange he is hesitant to tell his friends about them. Can’t he trust anyone?
Whatever. Good day today. It’s Sunday and I’ve done my homework day prior even though I was sleep deprived. Did nothing, read manga for a bit and cooked katsudon. Just because I wanted to. No other fucking reason. It was an accident that I made too much of it. Nerd liked it and told me that it could rival Auntie’s. It was nice. He looks a bit more cheerful now.
MM/DD/YY
…Need to work on accepting praise from him. I thought he mocked me every time he praised me, but it was all real all this time. So shitty of me to snarl at it. But it was shitty of him to admire his bully, so yeah. Both of us are stupid.
Not as stupid as Shitty Hair, because I needed to tutor him and idiots in common room. Deku stuck around this time. He started to hang around me in common places after that night. I am less annoyed at him now since I know he just wanted company and not some sort of stalkerish thing. Sometimes it’s nice to be able to see him just sitting around and not overworking himself, I’ll admit that.
I tried not to look at him though. I bet he was giving me the same look he gives me when I hang out with dumbasses. Is he jealous that I have friends?
Later in the evening he cornered me on the staircase. And then got red and asked me if Kirishima likes someone??1!?!?!! Like, what the hell?! I was so confused. I told him not even try to get on with him because he has eyes only for Mina. Deku looked relieved for whatever reason? Said goodbye, apologized and left.
What the hell? Did the nerd have crush on Shitty Hair or something?! But why he was glad to hear that the dumbass loved someone else? Maybe he needed reason to fall out of love with him??? Like when girls try to find something bad about a guy so they will not love him no more? Hell if I know. They would look stupid together anyways. Like a fucking traffic light.
He is so confusing and pisses me off so much. Why did he have to ask me? Am I the fucking love guru or something? I thought he got a crush on Round Face. But Kiri?! Well…I can see the similarities. They both are very kind to him, and support him. And they are hella strong with the softness underneath it all. Of fucking course he would like someone who shows him kindness! Nerd never received kindness so it works like a charm to him. Shit.
No wonder he doesn’t even want to befriend me, I am opposite of his type. Not in that way!!! In friendship way. His idiots are kind and caring. Even the half-frozen asshole and class rep. And he is smiley around them, and doesn’t fucking flinch when they are near. He still is jumpy around me.
Fucking hell. This friendship shit is a bunch of crap. Why do I care so much about it? To prove the nerd that I can
Ugh. I want to prove to him that I am fit for a hero, am I not? Bitch.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Not a fucking word future me if you are rereading this. Don’t fucking mention it.
How Deku changed:
-he is brave enough to talk back when I tease him
-he is very good at fighting. I would’ve thought that the quirk was with him from the beginning if I didn’t know better
-he can lift up fridges and any other heavy shit at ease without his quirk…What?!
-his hands ache when it’s going to rain
-he gets used to my presence little by little
-smiles at me instead of cowering away nowadays
-we train together in our free time sometimes; he is very determined to improve
-his eyes glow from his quirk. He glows overall, like lightning…It looks cool.
-he packs a mean punch
-even meaner kick. Scared for my ribs every time we fight
-girls and guys love him now and I hate that. Just because he got more handsome and buff doesn’t make him less of a flustered nerd
How he didn’t:
-smiles the same when he’s truly happy
-he still likes katsudon and that fizzy drink with limes we drank as kids
-still a nerd. But a bit subtler about it nowadays
- still picks at his scabs. Pisses me off, it leaves a scar and he’s got way too many already
-still a crybaby…It’s kind of cute in a pathetic way
-All Might plastic toy we both had is still on his shelf
-still has chubby cheeks and soft jaw
-hair is as messy as always
-still heroic and ready to help
-still looks at me with amazement despite it all
MM/DD/YY
Deku kept with his promise not to show up when he has a nightmare. The worst thing about it is that I can’t tell if he’s alright or not whenever he acts off. Makes me feel useless.
…I too sometimes have nightmares. But they aren’t all about villains or kidnapping or shit like that. I often dream of middle school.
Was it always so gloom and lifeless? Everything is gray when I dream. And often I just wander through the halls and no one is there. And Deku’s desk has swears and curses written all over it. Sometimes it has a spider lily. Red as the sneakers I find on the rooftop. Then I wake up.
Sometimes I am sitting in the koi pond where I threw Deku’s notebooks too many times to count. And faceless classmates stand over me and laugh. I try not to show them any emotion and search for him. But he is never where the crowd is. He is better than that. So I just sit there until the late evening and let fish nibble my uniform. And then I hear a heavy thud of something falling. And then I wake up.
Very rarely I dream of Deku. But when I do I only see his scrawny frame and hunched back. He was so lifeless, back in middle school. Why hasn’t anyone noticed that one of their students was slipping? I know the answer. And middle school me knew it too. He often doesn’t say anything as he clutches a soaked notebook. The worst nightmare is when he turns around and looks at me with the same expression as he gave me when I told him to take a swan dive. And I wake up crying.
I still wonder how kind Deku’s heart is to be able to forgive me. To not to remind me of cruel words I said, the scars that I left. If I was him, I would’ve wished me death and suffering. But he is not me. Because he is way better than me. Better than anyone in this damned school. Better than any hero.
I just can’t imagine what I need to do to make it up for him. He deserves proper apology and care, and I can’t give it to him. Because who the hell am I?! Just a fucking bully who can’t get anything right. I wouldn’t be surprised if he never forgives me.
At least he is closer nowadays. That’s a good thing. I will take everything that he offers me.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
Deku unlocked his quirk?? Have no clue how he did it, though.
The exercise was going nicely, I tried to impress everyone and it kind of worked. I hoped Deku was watching, but then the nerd went and fought with that copycat fuck and tendrils shot from his chest and arms. It was terrifying to witness. He looked so panicked.
Round Face was by his side in an instant. I understand that it’s very low of me, but fuck it. I wanted that to be me. I wanted to come and help Deku. Instead she rushed to him and somehow managed to stifle them out. And then we found out that those were the quirks of previous users manifesting because the end to AFO was near.
Quirkless Deku now had, what, seven of them? Have no clue. Oh, the irony.
And that stupid Deku refuses to tell me how that quirk manifested. What, is that some stupid secret technique or shit? As if I will unlock some other shitty quirk, pfffff. My quirk is enough to surpass him anyway…he looks cool with that whip though, I’ll admit that. Still, my explosions are way cooler, so here’s that.
Feel guilty. I destroyed Deku’s curls with my blasts, and now he looks silly. I liked his hair, hope it returns to its familiar green soon. Soy Sauce, Frogface and Round Cheeks counsel him on how to use his new quirks. All Might talked to me, it was nice. He is a bit worried about Deku. Hell, who isn’t? That nerd will think of himself when there will be no one else left and even then he will ignore his problems.
Still wish I could help in some other way than to spar with him.
With hate, Katsuki
MM/DD/YY
That quirk is not a blessing. It is a curse.
Deku didn’t deserve any of that. He wanted to learn how to be a hero, not to be forced to fight some fucked up arch nemesis that wants to ruin the world. He deserved to be happy.
He looked feral and it was the worst thing. Because I know how it is to get lost in anger. You don’t think, just act. And he was so damaged. So damaged. I never saw him get so angry. I don’t want him to be angry. I want him to be happy.
I saw it. He was ready to be speared. He couldn’t even protect himself. So I just…rushed to help. My body moved on its own and I don’t regret a thing. Yes, I got speared instead, and it hurt like a bitch. But it was fine, at least Deku wouldn’t be even more damaged than he already was.
But I was fucking wrong still.
Because now he is lying in a coma and I am so scared. I would rather put up with him angry, snarling or sad because I got stabbed just so he would be awake. Then I could help him, I would cook and keep him company. But he is just asleep and I’m going insane. So fucking useless.
The idiots tried to stop me from coming to his hospital bed, and I honestly wish they would’ve tried harder. He looked so pale and sterile wrapped in those white sheets and robes. I can’t…Why everything has to be so complicated? We were supposed to be learning how to be heroes, not to constantly be on the deathbed. Why? Why? Why? Why can’t we be normal?
It’s so fucking unfair. I just want him to wake up.
With hate, Katsuki