Work Text:
Noelle is curled up on her bed. Exhaustion has settled deep into her bones, but she can’t sleep. Ever since the argument (well, she says ‘argument,’ but it was more like a one-sided yelling session) with her mom earlier, this awful weight has settled in her chest. Her brain is foggy with emptiness.
And yet. Awake she stays.
Of course, she’s kind of gotten used to this feeling. It happens a lot. After most interactions with her mom, but especially the ones where she yells. Today, there was so much yelling. Noelle is especially drained; nothing got through to her mom. No matter how much she insisted it was her own fault, no matter how much she pleaded with her mom to understand that Susie wasn’t a bad person, she didn’t listen. She just kept repeating that Noelle was such a disappointment for doing this, and didn’t she understand that she just needed to lay her sister to rest already?
Eventually, Noelle just nodded and sat in silence. She did her best to tune out her mother’s endless criticism, but it seeped into every corner of her mind anyway.
She squeezes her eyes shut. Don’t think about it.
But she doesn’t really have anything else to think about. She usually just thinks about Susie to fall asleep, maybe about Dragon Blazers on occasion, but both of those things have been ruined lately. Even the idea of a sappy romance with Susie is no longer sacred.
Angel, her mom has to ruin everything, doesn’t she?
The thought makes her feel guilty, ashamed even, but she can’t disagree with it. Between yelling at her for even daring to speak to Susie, and locking Dess’ room to keep Noelle out — little does she know, Noelle broke the lock. Of course, how would she know? She never bothers to go in there.
Noelle presses her pillow over her ears. These thoughts have to stop. She already feels horrible, she doesn’t need everything bad in her life crowding her at once. But evidently, Noelle can’t have nice things, so the thoughts continue. Her father’s health, how he and her mother have been so cold to each other lately, how it’s getting harder and harder to keep her grades up, how even a simple crush on a girl in her class has led to all these tangled, awful feelings, how she probably won’t get to go to the Festival at all now…
Wow. Her life really sucks.
The acceptance of it is almost cathartic. Noelle opens her eyes and stares at her ceiling.
And then she notices her phone screen lit up.
Panicking, Noelle grabs it to end the call. She’s not supposed to have her phone on after a certain time, but she keeps it on silent instead. Just in case.
But then she sees the name.
‘Kris “Krismas” Dreemurr.’
What is Kris doing calling her so late? (Is it somehow connected to how weird they’ve been acting lately?)
She shoves herself under the sheets and picks up.
“Hello?” she whispers on instinct. “Kris, why are you calling me?”
“Huh? Why the hell do you think I’m—?!” There’s no way. Why is Susie calling her on Kris’ phone at this time of night?! “Oh, right.”
“Hi, Susie.” Despite how confused she is, Noelle still smiles like an idiot at any modicum of Susie’s attention. “So, um, why are you calling me?”
A few moments of silence. If Noelle focuses, she thinks she can hear Susie breathing on the other end. “Found Kris’ phone on the floor of their room.”
Right. Of course.
“I-I see. Um, but…” She trails off. Oh, no, what if—? “If it’s about earlier, I’m really, really, sorry about my mom, I—”
“Nah. You’re not the one who has to be sorry.”
“Oh. But, still, she said those awful things to you.” And really, what right did she have? Susie was a guest in their home, not some vermin to be tossed out.
“Well, I’m pretty sure she still said some fucked-up shit to you, too, so. We’re even.”
Noelle swallows. “Still, you really didn’t deserve that.”
“Neither did you.”
Both of them are silent for what feels like hours. It feels like something obvious, what Susie said, but has Noelle ever had it before? The luxury of not being the one to blame?
No. She hasn’t.
Most of it is self-inflicted, knee-jerk reactions being to blame herself because it’s easier to be upset with yourself than someone you care about. But, still, a lot of it came from her mother. She can never be happy with Noelle. First it was “get a hobby and dedicate yourself to it like your sister,” then it was “make sure you choose a productive hobby unlike your sister,” then it was “why didn’t you try harder to save your sister?”, and now it’s become “don’t do a single thing out of line or else you’ll be as alone as your sister.” To be fair, she’s never directly said any of that, but it feels very heavily implied.
And if her own mother can’t give her any grace, how is Noelle supposed to figure out how?
“Uh, anyway,” Susie says, unceremoniously clearing her throat. “Do you wanna go… hang out?”
Noelle blinks. The idea is so out of left field that she has no idea how to respond for a few moments. “At almost midnight?” she asks.
“... Yeah.” She sounds pretty enthusiastic.
Between that and Noelle’s current predicament, there’s no way she’s saying no.
“Sure! Um, but it might take a little bit. I have to sneak out without my mom noticing.”
“That’s fine.” Susie pauses. “This might be a big ask, but — can you bring that guitar?” Noelle’s heart drops. Susie wants Dess’ guitar again? “I know your mom freaked out about it and everything, and I wasn’t even really that good, but I just…” She makes a low noise in her throat, seemingly thinking about what to say. “I dunno. I wanna play it again. For you.”
“F-for me?” Noelle squeaks. Oh, that’s really sweet. “I can try!”
“Really? Sweet. I’ll be by the lake.”
Relief washes over her. At least they’ll be far away from her house.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can,” Noelle says. She hangs up without mentioning that she has no idea what her mom did with the guitar after she left the kitchen. She’ll be able to find it.
Stepping out of her room, she walks as slowly and gently as she can. Her mom is a heavy sleeper — Noelle has snuck out of the house many times over the years. But she really can’t risk getting caught tonight.
This is a terrible idea. But maybe inviting Susie over was a terrible idea, too. (Not that she could possibly have known that; seriously, what does her mom have against Susie? Is it just because she’s a “delinquent?” But so is Kris… kinda, and she’s never had a problem with them.) So she persists. She wants to hear Susie play again. She… wants to have something nice for once, something purely for herself.
The guitar has been relegated to the basement. Noelle feels weird going back down there after today, but at least it’s far, far away from her mother. She goes out the back door and quickly rushes through the trees. The sound of her hooves on the stone is too much of a risk. Luckily, she remembered to grab her key so she can get out, and so away from her house she goes. Even if the sound from the gate opening nearly makes her have a heart attack.
The air is both damp and cool. Noelle’s fur is protesting the humidity, but at least it’s not summer.
Dess said something one summer about how humidity and temperature really affected the guitar’s tuning. Noelle doesn’t quite remember now. But if it weren’t for Susie playing her guitar, she wouldn’t have remembered that, either. It’s funny how easily the memories of her slip by. All these moments she held so precious and so dear, still holds so precious and dear, just out of reach. Every memory disappears easily, but it particularly stings when they’re about Dess. It feels like she should try harder not to lose those memories because she can’t make any more. Life moves on without Dess, but Noelle still feels like she can’t move on. Rather, she doesn’t want to.
As promised, Susie is sitting by the lake. Her dark hair flows in the wind. It makes her look so pensive that Noelle almost feels bad letting her know she’s there. But Susie hears her footsteps and turns around, a wide smile on her face.
“Noelle! You sure took your time.” Her tone is light-hearted enough to put Noelle at ease.
“S-sorry,” Noelle says with a sheepish smile. “My mom put the guitar in the basement, and it was still creeping me out. Hehe…”
“Oh, yeah, that place is creepy. I'm never going down there again.”
Noelle swallows the fact that Susie will probably never even be allowed in her house again and holds out the guitar. “Here.”
“Hell yeah.” Susie’s eyes light up in excitement (and, gosh, they’re so pretty, she’s so pretty). She handles the instrument surprisingly gently, staring at it like she’s looking for something. Then she shakes her head and gets into a playing position. “Are you, uh. Gonna sit down?”
“O-oh! Right!” Noelle sits beside Susie, dangling her legs off the ledge. Susie strums. It’s horribly out of tune, somehow worse than it was earlier, but it puts Noelle at ease all the same.
“Man,” Susie says, laughing lightly. “This thing sounds awful. You know how to fix it?”
“No, I— I never played.”
Susie is silent for a few moments. “Hm. Makes sense, I guess. But I was kinda looking forward to you showing me how to play it.”
“H-huh?!” Noelle tries not to gape.
“Yeah. Kris is gonna show me how to play the piano. Thought I may as well learn some guitar, too.”
“Oh. They are?” Noelle is a little surprised. Kris is really good at the piano, sure, but they never taught Noelle how. It always ended in them getting really quiet and just shaking their head. So Noelle stopped asking. “That’s… really kind of them.” Susie grins before going back to plucking at the strings. Noelle closes her eyes and lets the wind wash over her. It’s a somber moment compared to when Susie played earlier. Before, it was a tentative thing, a bid for connection. Now, it feels like a comforting embrace, a blanket over her pain. Yet the pain is still there.
She opens her eyes to Susie looking at her. It’s an unreadable expression, and it makes Noelle a little nervous.
“Uh, I don’t mean to be, like, weird by asking this, but…” Susie looks away and down, down at the lake. “Why did your mom freak out about the guitar so much?”
Noelle exhales deeply. “It was my sister’s guitar.”
“...” Susie is silent. “And I’m guessing she didn’t just go to college like Kris’ brother.”
Noelle jumps despite herself. Telling Susie is… she can’t decide how she feels. Susie wasn’t here when it all happened, so of course she doesn’t know. Noelle is caught between thinking that she has the right to know, since it affects the town so heavily, and thinking that she doesn’t really want to tell her. Not that she doesn’t want her to know, but… But it’s… so… so… fundamental to everything Noelle is. She tries not to be defined by it, by the tragedy in her life, and yet she can’t deny how much it shaped her. How she got into the church choir to feel more connected to Dess, how her mother has steadily gotten colder and colder, and— she really can’t name everything.
And they’ve only really talked to each other a few times. Is this too soon?
… No. She wants to tell her.
“She went missing,” Noelle says, blurts, really. “It was around five years ago. She tried to break into the shelter and… never came back.”
Susie’s eyes fly wide open. “The shelter?”
“Yeah. It’s a freaky place, isn’t it? Dess pretended she wasn’t scared of it. I still don’t know why she decided to… do that.” Noelle blinks rapidly. She refuses to cry in front of Susie.
“Damn.” Susie lets out a sharp breath. “Damn, Noelle, that’s… awful.”
Noelle nods. She brings a knee to her chest and rests her chin on it, heaving a sigh. “Sorry. I made this pretty heavy, huh?”
“Nah. I asked the question.” Susie gently picks at each string. “Did she ever teach you any guitar?”
“Faha, no. She tried, but I wasn’t interested. I think at the time, I was too focused on Dragon Blazers.”
“Okay, but that’s totally fair.” Susie grins.
“Oh! I do remember this.” Noelle shifts closer to Susie and puts her fingers on the neck. It feels thrilling to touch the guitar after so long. “These little things are called frets, and you press them down to get different notes.” Instinctively, she puts her fingers over Susie’s claws and presses them into the strings. Then she realizes what she’s doing. “E-eek! Sorry!”
“It’s fine.” Susie strums again. The sound is still out of tune, but it’s definitely different. Susie’s eyes light up. Noelle’s face somehow gets hotter. “So, is this an actual chord?”
“I— I think so.” She’s pretty sure she saw Dess’ fingers in this position a lot.
“Cool.” Susie grins and moves her claws down the neck. The notes get higher. “Bet this is really nice to hear, huh?” She laughs like she meant it as a joke.
But Noelle means this. “It is. It really is.” In a moment of boldness, she rests her head on Susie’s shoulder, hearing the tall girl gasp. “Thank you, Susie. I… couldn’t sleep after what happened earlier today, but I feel a lot better.”
Susie’s fingers stop moving. Noelle shifts to look at her face, but she’s so close that she has to look away before her heart explodes. “Me too,” Susie says, so quietly Noelle would’ve missed it if they weren’t so close. “I told Kris this earlier, but in a place I used to live, there was this piano in a little plaza area. It was free to play, but they didn’t let me.”
“What? Why?”
Susie shrugs the shoulder Noelle isn’t resting on. “I dunno. Probably because it was expensive and I had a habit of breaking shit, but… it still sucked, you know? To be singled out like that.” Noelle completely gets it, actually. Not that she’s been singled out in a bad way most of her life. But being singled out even to be complimented is nerve wracking. And she doesn’t like the idea of making others feel worse by receiving praise. “Guess they were right in the end, cause I ended up hitting the piano. Heh.”
Noelle’s heart aches. She can sympathize with how Susie felt… Maybe not the destruction part, but the frustration bubbling over and making you do something you regret. And confirming people’s worst assumptions of you. She’s never been the strongest person. So some of the more, ahem, trouble-making kids in their class would prank her or make fun of her just to see her cry. Kris never joined in, and sometimes even stood up for her in their mumbly, stoic way, but it didn’t stop her from feeling like a crybaby. She isn’t really embarrassed about it any longer, but when she was younger, she had a horrible mentality about her own feelings. Crying made her feel like a failure, an embarrassment.
So. She understands.
“Anyway. Thanks for… trusting me. With this guitar.” Susie strums it again. “Means a lot.”
Noelle hadn’t even thought twice about trusting Susie with it. She gently puts a hand on Susie’s back and leans into her. “Of course.” As Susie starts playing again, Noelle mumbles without thinking, “I think Dess would have really liked you, Susie.”
If Susie hears her, she doesn’t say anything. Just continues fiddling with the guitar. Noelle is content either way; it’s a bit of a sentimental thought.
Noelle starts drifting off into sleep a few minutes in. She doesn’t want to go home, though, so she lets herself indulge in Susie’s presence as she falls asleep. Just as she’s starting to dream, a loud yawn jolts her awake. She squeaks.
“Ah, damn,” Susie says, her voice thick with tiredness. Noelle shivers at the sound. “I was just starting to figure it out.” She stands up, and Noelle almost falls over. Almost. She catches herself just in the nick of time and hastily gets on her hooves. “Well, see you tomorrow?”
Noelle smiles sadly as she takes the guitar. “Um, hopefully. My mom is really mad at me, though. I… might not get to go.”
“What? That’s bullshit!”
It really is. “It’s okay, though, we’ll still get to hang out at sch—”
“Hell no, you’re going to that festival whether your mom likes it or not! If I have to break your window to sneak you out, I will!”
Despite herself, Noelle starts laughing. “Wh— fahaha, Susie! That’s so unnecessary!”
“I don’t think it is.” Susie crosses her arms with a grin. “This is the first time I’m going, period. Let alone with anyone else. So I’m not letting you bail on me.”
“Yes! Of course! I’d never dream of it!” Noelle’s heart threatens to burst out of her chest with how excited she is. “Goodbye, Susie! I’m…” She takes a deep breath and steels herself. “I’m really looking forward to it!”
Susie’s face softens. “Me too. Later, Noelle.”
Noelle scampers home with a grin on her face and her heavy heart forgotten. No matter what happens, getting to the Festival tomorrow will be a doozy, but she somehow feels like everything will end up being okay in the end.
She’s been missing out on talking to Susie for years. She won’t let herself continue to miss out just because of her mother.
(And maybe she’ll even… hold Susie’s hand tomorrow. But that one might be dreaming too big.)