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“Crazy.. can you believe him? He’s crazy..”
Starlight, shut the fuck up. Go away. I don’t want to hear it anymore.
That was the first time Rusty had really started to hear things. After that race, after Slick betrayed him, after he thought he’d lost sight of every dream he’s ever had.
Truth is, Rusty had always heard things, hell, he had even seen things at some point. He just downplayed it to nerves. He’d hear his own whistle at night, when he tried to go to sleep, and he just thought it was him setting it off on accident. Basically, it was something he’d never thought too hard about.
But now, it was a whole other can of worms. He knew nobody was around. So why did he hear these stupid fucking voices?
“Love him and leave him, he’s crazy..”
He yelled this time, without really realising.
“Can you just go AWAY?! Piss off! I know nobody’s there, stop playing tricks on me!”
Rusty’d started to panic now. He wants it to stop, he wanted it to shut up. He shakes his head, clamping his hands around his ears. This is futile, because, the voices are in your head, Rusty. You can’t hide from them by covering your ears. All it did was make his ears hurt from the pressure of his hands.
The sounds of the coaches’ voices rattled in his head, remaining unmuffled despite his frantic attempts to silence them.
“Crazy.. going crazy, going crazy..”
Stop, just stop, please, please just shut up, I don’t want to hear this anymore- I know, okay? I know I’m crazy, I know I’m stupid for even CONSIDERING I could race and win, crazy for thinking I could trust Slick, crazy for hearing you. Just, go away, please!
Rusty punches the floor, hoping the pain that shot through his hand would distract his brain from conjuring up those stupid voices, the taunts, all of it. He knows he’s crazy. It’s almost funny, the voices echoing how he felt at that moment, he did feel like he was going crazy. But they still persist.
Now Rusty was getting really distressed, it won’t go away. He wants it to go away. Starlight Express, if you’re out there, please make it stop. His breathing falters, tears forming in his eyes as he looks around the space, as if he’d see what or who the noise was coming from. He had to keep telling himself that it was all in his head, all in your head, Rusty, all in your head, but it didn’t reassure him.
It scared him, in fact, because now he knows something is definitely wrong with him. Hearing things isn’t normal, right? Fuck, what if the marshals found him and had Control put him back in the box, whatever that means, he always hears the kid threatening it. Panic and fear had completely gripped him now, and between bouts of sobs, he begged weakly, begging the voices to stop, to go away.
“Crazy, can you believe him, he’s crazy..”
But they stayed. They actually got louder as Rusty panicked more and more, until they were booming echoes that filled the space around him.
“Go away, please, just stop it- I don’t want to know anymore, I don’t want to hear you- just shut up, please just shut up-!”
Rusty’s begging did nothing in the way of stopping it. They never went away. He just wants to stop hearing it, can it go away? He’d rather crash and be beaten up all over again than continue to hear this.
“Love him and leave him, he’s crazy.. going crazy, going crazy..”
“CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP?!”
He didn’t mean to yell that, it just came out like that as in the midst of his distressed rambling, he’d forgotten how to control his volume. He sighed weakly, choked sobs falling from his lips. He had his head in his hands, willing the voices away silently in his head. He was getting too emotionally exhausted to continue begging out loud.
The voices of the coaches stop, and he believes he’s found solace, believes it’s all over now. No more voices, right?
Wrong. Suddenly he hears the voices of Lumber and Porter, who were definitely far from here, they didn’t race at all. For starlight’s sake, can’t he catch a break?
“Listen Rusty, we’ve been cheated..”
Not you too. What do you want to tell me? That I should just.. give up? That it’s all my fault for, starlight forbid, chasing my stupid dreams? I know, okay? I know it was a bad idea to trust ANYONE around here. Just go away, PLEASE. I don’t want to hear anything anymore.
He didn’t say anything out loud, just weakly sobbed. He could see them standing in front of him, even though he knew they weren’t actually there, why was he seeing them? Why was his brain being so cruel? He felt so weak, so alone. He didn’t dare tell anyone about these hallucinations he’s experiencing. No, they’d have him sent away. Then they would have a reason to know him as the crazy, mentally unstable steam engine.
“It’s the system, you can’t beat it..”
He supposed they were right. He can’t beat the system. The diesels always won. Steam’s had it’s day. He was obsolete, he was stupid for trying in the first place. He’s made a fool of himself, and now he truly was crazy. No matter how hard he tried, they’d always beat him. He was not good enough to win.
“We’re defeated..”
Despite what they were saying, the figures of the freight brothers offer him a pitiful, sympathetic look as they deliver that line. He sees them skate off, and he just broke down. He hoped that would be the end of the voices for now.
One last thing appeared. The image of Slick, grinning cruelly at him. He knew she was responsible for this, he knew he shouldn’t have trusted her. She knelt down in front of him, a false, imaginary hand reaching out to grip his shoulder tightly. He could feel it, he really thought she was there, but he realised she was not. Why would she return to the scene of her own crime?
“Just give up, Rusty. You’ll never beat them.”
Fake Slick shoved him, but it didn’t actually do anything in terms of injuring him. Because it was all in his head. But it did hurt him, in a way. Mentally. His psyche was damaged irreparably. Maybe he should give up.
He heard the Champion Engines next, recalling the things they said to him as they attacked him, as they made him feel like nothing.
“You gonna race again, steam train?”
“HA, should do!”
“Nobody can do it like a steam train!”
“He said nobody..”
“So he’s nobody!”
“Bye-bye nobody!”
It hurt to remember how little people actually cared about him. Maybe he was nobody. Maybe nobody would notice if he disappeared. He pushed the thought aside. All he could hear was their laughing as they knocked him down, kicked him while he was on the ground, not even giving him a chance to fight back. He felt the pain, the dull ache where bruises and cuts were forming on his skin, he knew he was going to hurt, he would hurt for a long time. Maybe he deserved it. Maybe this was his reminder to never chase his dreams again.
“They’ve left me with nothing.. not even doubt- nowhere to turn to, I’m down.. and I’m out .”
His voice turned to a half-sob, half growl at the last word. He was so tired, so done. Nobody was coming to help him. He was truly alone.