Chapter Text
Nishinoya Yuu was a smile, an off-key laugh, a grin so wide it covered half of his face.
It was an image he wore with honor and distinction despite how utterly fake it was. The only thing that kept it from falling were a broken record of whispers that told him it was almost over. Yuu just had to hold out a bit longer.
The call of the whistle, Daichi vaguely screaming off to the side. Yuu hadn’t heard what he said, too busy quelling the growing nausea tumbling in his gut, but he wasn’t that stupid. With everyone running off in one direction, it was safe to assume Daichi had called for a team huddle. Routine clung to them all like a parasite, which was a good thing. Yuu wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep up with all of them otherwise.
“Keep up the good work, you guys,” Daichi began, practically radiating that paternal pride the whole team knew him for, “I have a good feeling about this year, let’s keep this up and aim for nationals!”
It took a bit of energy to be as loud as he usually was, but who was Yuu without a little effort?
So as the others cheered in unison, Yuu screamed at the top of his burning lungs. The source of the strength of his yell not the excitement induced by Daichi’s words, that was just a convenient excuse to scream at all the one time he could release all the pent up frustration stored in his body without being judged.
It was the only time where he could cry out, release the anguish he felt about having to go home at the end of a long day. No more excuses. No more attempts at extending time.
Practice was over.
Despite the sense of dread clawing, forcing it’s way through his body, he found the strength to keep smiling. Yuu had been keeping it up longer than usual, leading to that undesirable level of exhaustion that he felt so deep that he was sure it was practically coded into his DNA at this point. The darkening skies served as a reminder for the constant state of his head, something that rose bright and slowly became darker until nothing but artificial light was found as the only guiding savior.
A weirdly poetic death that came with sunsets.
It was nice though, dying a slow death all the time. Being suspended, then banned from club activities did nothing good for Yuu. He struggled to find excuses to stay out late, coming home to a skeptical look or two before they disappeared. There was no warmth or concern, not even over the top drama Yuu saw happen on sitcoms. A realisation that he could have died and the the world would continue spinning on it’s axis. Life and people would keep moving and no one would stop to turn back.
Everything was as cold as he felt usually, so it was nice, having something reminiscent.
Yuu watched on as the team dispersed in it’s usual groups, to which he gave half hearted waves. No one would question how lackluster the motions were, it wasn’t unusual to be tired after a long practice session so rigorous that he wondered if they were actually training for the Olympics and not a high school tournament.
Suga and Daichi went off together, so did Chikara and the others. It looked like Tsukishima was lagging behind waiting for Yamaguchi, who was deep in a conversation about the health benefits of french fries with Shouyou, who was being yelled at by Kageyama for taking too long to pay. It brought Yuu amusement for the time being, something to get his mind off those gnawing thoughts.
He had already sent Ryuu home without him, much to the other boy’s displeasure. Yuu wanted the walk back home alone, it was too late for Ryuu to walk him there then walk back. It’d be fine, he wanted the time for self reflection, a breather to prepare for when he got home. It’d taken a couple of choice words, and some playful shoves but eventually even Ryuu had to see there was no winning and promised to text him after a pointless study session.
Another smile, and Ryuu was gone.
Yuu stood alone, in front of the small store, tension coming over him as the emotion that bubbled up was one he felt was synonymous with home.
A soft breeze brushed against Yuu’s bleached bangs, sending a gentle shiver rolling over his back. His gaze drifted slightly, Yuu finding himself looking at nothing in particular. His body tingled, thrumming almost, a silent orchestra that played until his mind got away from him. Yuu felt like a stranger looking in, watching himself instead from a different realm. One that didn’t exist.
That was fine, truly, it was the only time he ever felt absolutely in control of anything he felt.
By not feeling at all.
“–Nishinoya?”
The timid call of his name cut through the thick darkness that coiled itself around him, bringing Yuu back to his body.
He blinked slowly, peering up and catching a glimpse at the culprit.
Asahi stood there, eyebrows raised slightly, looking more confused than anything else. Puppy-like, somewhat rounded eyes that held no secrets beyond a color that often reminded Yuu of those really soft chocolate truffles that he liked getting with the caramel centers. Normally, he would have accepted that gaze, had it been any other day. Yuu would have found Asahi’s concern endearing, the reality being that he just never liked admitting how much he liked the other boy’s attention being on him.
Except for today, clearly. Yuu wanted nothing to do with this.
The only desire he had was to somehow be able to erase memories, like those flashlights in those aliens versus policemen movies Ryuu loved to watch all the time.
“Oh, sup, Asahi-san. Y’ need somethin’? I was just about t’ start headin’ home,” Yuu replied, feigning casual talk like the expert he was.
He should become an actor.
Or a businessman.
Asahi tilted his head a bit, “Oh, I was just worried. It–uh, looked like you were spacing out, that’s all.”
Yuu bit the inside of his cheek, making note not to let his guard down again.
“Oh, that! It happens sometimes,” Yuu explained away merrily, trademark grin making an appearance for good measure, “I’m imaginin’ all the goods I’ll be gettin’ for dinner tonight!”
Asahi hunched over Yuu slightly, and he could have sworn the older boy was looking straight into him. Fear filled the crevices as those eyes he had become so familiar with looked him over, making Yuu go stiff from the uncertainty. Having someone so close who was so unnecessarily large, it made him feel unbearably strained.
Or maybe it had more to do with not wanting to be found out.
Asahi reached a tentative hand out, clasping Yuu’s shoulder, “Okay, if you’re sure,” He replied, dopey smile curling over his lips, “You have my number, right? If you need anything, call me.”
“Gotcha!” Yuu cried happily, bouncing back into his routine as soon as he could tell the coast was clear, mock salute and everything following soon after.
Asahi let out a breathy chuckle, moving away and offering a wave, “See you tomorrow, Nishinoya.”
Yuu let Asahi walk, waiting until he was out of sight to let his grin fall down from his face again. Every interaction became tiring, talking and trying to live a lie. Yuu felt the weight of the fake world he carried come crashing down on already abused muscles as soon as the day was officially over.
It ended the moment the whistle rang, ended when all his teammates and friends were out of sight. The adrenaline they caused to pump through his veins drained away until there was nothing left of Yuu but his usual empty shell. His chest constricted, often bringing him physical pain and discomfort when the whole team surrounded him. He could often handle a handful, but nothing more. The slaps to the back lit his skin up, turning it into live wire.
And yet, he couldn’t live without any of them.
Shoulders slumped as bitter remorse settled over every layer of skin his body possessed, burying deep until both it and Yuu were practically symbiotic.
In agony alone, but lonely without others. Yuu laughed to himself, one filled with contempt. It was almost like he was doomed to repeat the cycle, from morning til dusk, a wicked curse he figured had no remedy. Not even the whipping winds could do anything to dispel the sheer cold that had him encased so deep it was a wonder he hadn’t died of hypothermia yet.
Yuu walked the whole way home, no real desire to be there despite how much homework he had. Every step was slow, meditated, the warmth on his shoulder lingering and providing some sense of security as he passed by blackened walls.
From the outside, Yuu heard no noise, offering gentle taps at the door before wrapping battered fingers around the doorknob. He gripped and turned, pushing inward when he realised the door had been left open again. That was not unusual, the door was periodically left unlocked, Yuu was usually the only one who bothered to close it at any time. He didn’t know if it was laziness or indifference, or how they hadn’t been burglarized yet, but Yuu knew they didn’t have much to take so he didn’t question it further.
The house was coated in pitch black, Yuu toeing off his shoes and throwing them off to the side quietly before making his way into the sanctuary of his room before he was detected.
By now, the storm in his head had subsided leaving nothing but still water illuminated by dull moonlight. Not a ripple worth a breath, nothing Yuu’s calloused hands could grab onto to keep afloat in a sea of nothing. He had no energy to be hungry, no energy to pick his things up from where he had tossed them. Yuu could hear his phone vibrating from the recesses of his bag, and he had no energy to pull it out or even wonder who it was.
He’d be awake around three in the morning, plenty of time to bullshit his homework if he rushed.
For now, he grabbed at the blankets in the corner of his room, laying down and curling up. Memories of the day came rushing back despite how hard Yuu tried to shove them away.
He tugged the old fabric over his head, curling up on his section of the floor, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to drown out the noise.
The thoughts, the surge, the comfort that remained on his shoulder.
All he wanted now was sleep.