Archive of Our Own ^beta

He regretted it as soon as the dial tone sounded. Had let his thumb hover of the name — debating — for more than a few seconds before giving in to the urge to press call. And yet — as soon as it actually started ringing — he knew he shouldn’t have done it. 

That he was fine.  That he was being dramatic, once again.

He also knew he couldn’t just hang up. That it would create a panic. Force them to call back. Force them to ask questions.

“Doctor Copeland’s office,” it was a new receptionist. Her voice melodically neutral as she answered the phone, “May I ask who’s calling.”

Buck stumbled over his words for a second, before rushing to explain, “Uh — don’t worry. It was an accident.”

“Are you sure… Mr Buckley?” She drew out the question as if reading the name off a screen and Buck cursed whatever Caller ID system the psychologist’s office employed that still recognised his number.

Her tone more concerned as she asked again, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah — yeah, of course,” he felt almost breathless as the lies left his lips, “Just a wrong number. Pressed the wrong person by mistake. Sorry for any trouble.”

“Okay, then,” she sounded doubtful. “Well, we’re here if you ever need us, Mr Buckley. Don’t hesitate to ring back now. Okay? I know Doctor Copeland would be more than happy to fit you in.”

“Yeah—” he agreed half-heartedly. Desperate to get off the phone before he did something stupid like actually ask for an appointment.

Knowing it was pointless. That he was fine. 

“Have a nice day then."

He finally freed himself from the conversation. Heart racing like it usually only did when he’s had to run up six flights of stairs in full turn outs.

He forced himself to drop his phone onto the counter — hands shaking as he thought about reaching for it again — and made himself walk away instead.

Looked around the kitchen desperately for something to do and was relieved to spot the small stack of dishes from the night before.

They usually did them together, Buck drying as Eddie washed — accused of almost flooding the kitchen one too many times before Eddie had finally relegated him to the less dangerous of the tasks.

They’d been too tired the night before. Exhaustion dragging them towards bed and leaving the dishes to wait until the morning. 

It had been happening more and more lately. Truthfully Buck couldn’t remember the last time they’d shared their little ritual. Meals eaten in a rush as they raced out the door to work — whoever drew the short straw and got home first left to do the tidy up. 

At least if Buck didn’t end up eating alone. Eddie always out these days — the friendship he'd struck up  with Tommy keeping him gone until late whenever they had the day off. 

Chris, even more sociable than his father. Forever at a friend’s house, or out with the girl that he swore to Buck wasn’t a budding romance. Swindling invites for sleepovers through charm and good humour that a young Buck could never have dreamed of emulating.

Always clinging just a little too tight for people to ever really settle in his presence. 

It left him alone most nights. At least the ones he didn’t spend at the firehouse, revelling in the thrum of activity. Instructions from Bobby as they cooked, Chim and Hen’s quiet rivalry as they wrestled for control of the TV remote.

Eddie sitting next to him in the engine — their legs brushing they were sat so close. Sometimes it felt like the most intimate they ever were anymore.

Never mind the way they’d clung to each other having rescued Bobby and Athena. Buck pressing into bruises to leave them there a little longer. To remind himself that Eddie had chosen him, that he loved him. 

Not that he needed the reminder. 

Buck knew that. Intrinsically. He did. 

Knew that they were inevitable in some way. Had fallen together the way they had slipped into each other’s pockets when they’d first met. Head first — until it was too late to notice how entwined they’d become.

A quiet moment, when Buck was still sleeping on Eddie’s couch after he’d been released from hospital. Their foreheads touching for a brief second as he’d helped Eddie change his bandages.  

The words seeming to slip from the other man’s lips before he had realised, he’d said them, “I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you.”

Buck hadn’t even needed to think before replying, “You won’t have to.”

They both knew something had changed. Buck following Eddie to bed and staying there for weeks.

The two of them tumbling into something deeper and more complex than either had realised until Eddie had gone rigid the first time Buck had introduced himself as the boyfriend to one of Eddie’s neighbours. 

He hadn’t meant to start the fight. Hadn’t realised that Eddie’s neighbours didn’t know — never mind that he’d waved at them mornings and evenings as he’d come and gone.

That they’d watched him load Chris up into his Jeep time and time again — seen him plant a kiss on Eddie’s cheek as they went. That all of the signs were there.

That Buck hadn’t realised it was meant to be a secret. 

He hadn’t even seen the argument coming. Not really. Ignored the quiet unease over supper, sat and answered Chris’s questions as they watched a documentary on orcas the boy had begged to see. The previous weekend's trip to the Aquarium having sparked an interest in all things oceanic. 

He hadn’t noticed the tension building under Eddie’s skin. The way he was almost shaking with it by the time Chris was finally asleep.

He hadn’t been expecting the confrontation.

Still, years later, couldn’t fully explain what exactly had happened. How they’d gone from happily tangling their lives closer and closer together, to Buck exiled again.

Sentenced back to the apartment he still hadn’t got rid of, only for the sake of not breaking his lease. 

It had been a tough few months. Buck desperate to get closer. To cling, the way the child in him still wanted too. Eddie — a struggling cat — not quite willing to accept the love Buck was ready to give. 

He still hated to admit it. Wasn’t really sure if it was true — at least for him — but the distance had helped. Eddie too unsure with the easy way they’d fallen together.

With that that meant for him.

And about him. 

For Buck it had been no more than simple realisation. Had explained the way he’d felt his eyes linger on men throughout his life — had found himself admiring their built physiques as much as the softer curves of the women around him.

It had done no more than open his eyes to a world of possibilities that he was no longer interested in. Having found what he was looking for without even meaning too. 

But for Eddie it was different.

Unsettling. Destabilizing.

Buck didn’t hold it against him. Couldn’t — in good conscience — even if a part of him still stung from quite how much it had unravelled the other man.

Buck knew it wasn’t about him — not really. That it was about the way Eddie was raised and the things he’d internalised, but it had taken him a long time to work through it. 

To let them go out for dinner without Eddie looking like he was about to bolt the whole time. To let Buck call himself his partner in any context other than work.

Eddie loved him — Buck knew that — but it had taken him months to be comfortable with that fact anywhere but behind closed doors. 

Not to mention, all the other shit that had been heaped upon them. Learning what had happened to the people Eddie had saved. Chris’s lingering trauma from the shooting. It wasn’t really a surprise that Eddie had pulled away, but Buck still didn’t like to think about those days. 

When he’d felt like more a release for Eddie than anything. Somewhere to come and forget about everything else — bury himself in Buck’s body and leave again. Somehow distant the whole time. 

It was around that time he’d stopped his appointments with Doctor Copeland. It hadn't been intentional — not really. Simply too busy to have a set meeting — too many plates to spin.

Eddie starting to work at dispatch in an attempt to placate Chris — the way that had thrown Buck’s own work into a spin having to train Ravi. The reality of having a traumatised child — never mind that he wasn’t technically Buck’s own. 

He had just desperately tried to keep them afloat. Had focused on the love he felt for Eddie and Chris — how grateful he was to finally have a family — and waited for the storm to pass.

Ignored the missed call from Doctor Copeland when he failed to schedule another appointment. 

Assured himself that things were going well. That he didn’t call back because he didn’t need another appointment. That it wasn't because he didn’t like the questions the Doctor had started to ask about how he was really coping with everything. Knowing he couldn’t allow himself to lose focus on what was really important — on Eddie and Chris.

Couldn’t allow himself to be selfish. 

Besides, it didn’t feel worth it in a way. Not when it was such a fight to get Eddie to see Frank. To feel his lingering resentment after every appointment — how it was just a means to an end. A way to put everything behind him and get back to what he meant to do. 

Buck had already done that work. Had painstakingly sorted through his feelings towards his parents. Accepted that they may be a part of Maddie’s life — that he’d interact and be civil with them for her sake — but that he wasn’t going to make the first move. He’d see them when they saw Maddie and he didn’t need any more than that.

He had his own family now, after all. 

The one Eddie had gifted to him — invited him into. Chris, growing more independent by the day. Rolling his eyes whenever he caught Buck and Eddie sat too close on the sofa.

Finally, having got rid of the loft that had felt too echoey and hollow for far longer than he wanted to admit. 

So, Buck did what he had always done best. Sunk his claws in and clung on. Forced himself to be the steady centre of Eddie’s rapidly spiralling world. Had kept Eddie as close as the other man would allow when he was chafing against so many other confines.

Father, Firefighter, Veteran. 

A part of him had never remembered being so tired during those months. So, on edge — desperately trying to stay afloat. Trying to anticipate the thing that would try and drag them under — but he’d known it would be worth it. 

That Eddie would be worth it.

Eddie and Chris — the family he’d always wanted. Longed for. It was worth any amount of struggle — any number of sleepless nights. 

He’d thought he would finally be able to catch his breath when Eddie made it back to the 118. That things would return to the way they once were.

And they had at first — falling back into the easy rhythm of partnership but the lightning strike had ruined things once more. 

Reminded them of their own mortality, yet again.

Left Buck feeling uneasy for weeks — forcing him out of bed to nudge Chris’s door open and make sure the boy was still where he was supposed to be. Watching the boy breathe while he waited for Bobby to assure him that it was all real. 

Eddie had struggled with it in his own way too. Bouncing between emotions in a way that did little to settle Buck. Unsure whether he was furious with Buck and the universe for almost separating them, or just thankful that they’d yet again survived the impossible. 

It had almost made Buck dizzy the way Eddie had pulled him close — only to shove him away again — during those weeks where they readjusted to a reality where one of them had actually died. 

Even if it was only for 3 minutes. (And 17 seconds)

Buck had weathered the storm. Held down the fort as Eddie fretted over whether he was bringing another person into Chris’s life for him to lose. Bordering on standoffish, if he thought Buck was being reckless, never mind that Buck had long since realised he had far too much to lose.

That he would never do that to Chris — at least not intentionally. 

Other days Eddie would be almost alarmingly affectionate. Taking Buck to meet friends he’d only ever heard of in passing. Showing off his newly discovered maths skills like Buck was far more of a prize than he actually was.

Spending nights running his fingers over the Lichtenberg scars that now spanned Buck’s chest almost reverently — like he couldn’t believe Buck was still there. Apologising for how he couldn’t quite make up his mind how he felt. 

They’d survived it, of course. Knew there was little that could break them at this point. Too wound up in each other to imagine drawing breath without the other — somewhere — feeling it. 

Which was why Buck knew he was being ridiculous. That Eddie had a new friend and some part of him felt threatened. Desperate to cling in the way he always had.

Would rather keep Eddie — broken and covered in gouges from Buck’s claws — than risk losing him.  

The monster in him, greedy. Always wanting more — wanting to take. No matter how much Buck tried to beat it back. No matter how much Eddie gave. 

So, he’d forced himself to settle, to give Eddie the freedom he deserved. To ignore the growing ache in his chest and teeth — the way his skin didn’t seem to fit properly over his bones with the growing distance between them. 

The way the house had started to echo the way his loft had in those months he’d bounced between the two. How Buck had found himself just drifting.

Waiting for Chris or Eddie to come home and give him purpose again. Throwing himself into work with more vigour than he wanted to admit — taking risks he’d sworn to himself he no longer would. 

He didn’t know exactly what had made him dial that number. Catching sight of the name while searching for one of Chris’s friend’s parents and just pausing. Some numbness in him begging him to ring it — to find a cause for the growing emptiness in his chest. 

But Buck knew it was pointless. 

Knew that he was happy. That he had everything he ever wanted. A loving boyfriend. A son. A home. 

That he didn’t need anymore. That it would be selfish to want it. That the one time he’d mentioned wanted something more permanent than just his name Eddie’s Will — a worst case scenario — it had sent the other man spiralling again. 

Memories of being a scared teenager with no other options making him pull away. Walls shooting up and coldness descending upon them until Eddie had had adequate time to thaw. 

Buck had waited — as he always did — and knew that it wasn’t an option. Knew he’d take whatever he could get because something was better than nothing. And that even scraps from Eddie were better than what he’d get elsewhere. 

Besides, Eddie had given him the most important thing of all — Chris. 

The son Buck hadn't known he ached for. Never once accusing him of overstepping, even though Buck was sure he had. Letting him spoil the boy, taking him on outings and trips whenever Eddie needed the time alone. 

Letting Buck love what wasn’t rightfully his. 

He knew few people who would be so generous. So, Buck could never begrudge Eddie his new friendship. Wouldn’t comment on the fact they were spending more and more time apart.

Eddie’s nights filling with excitement while Buck’s rang hollow while sat home alone. 

It was one of the things he’d been trying to avoid. Eddie having made yet more plans with Tommy. Buck had been hoping to lure Chris to the cinema as an end of school treat. Thinking of inviting one of the boy’s friends to kick off the holiday, when he’d spotted the number. 

The brief conversation with Doctor Copeland’s receptionist leaving his hands shaking. Refusing to admit that was something he’d thought he needed — even for a second. That he was lonely and being overly dramatic.

That it was the wrong thing to do. 

So, instead, he forced himself to find the right number. Make the awkward small talk as he arranged to take Chris and his friend to the movie. Ignoring the fact Buck knew he was doing it just to avoid another night home alone.

The film had been largely forgettable — Godzilla x Kong hardly most riveting of views but Chris seemed to enjoy it at least. Gasping at all the right moments with his friend.

The film just adult enough to make up for the fact they were sitting with Buck despite previously being told by Chris he was “far too old to need babysitting at the cinema.”

He hadn’t thought twice when the lights were on as they pulled up to the house. Assumed Eddie had got home early — forgetting what he’d said he and Tommy were up to but was sure they planned to spend the evening elbow deep in an engine or something else equally dull. 

He’d let Chris open the door ahead of him without thinking. Buck’s own arms laden with take-out they’d collected on the way home.

It took him a second to process what was before him. 

Eddie — his arms wrapped around some woman, his face buried in her neck and his fingers brushing her skin.  The other man’s eyes widening, his face going pale as he realised they’d been caught. 

Buck barely heard Eddie gasp Chris’s name.  The boy motionless next to him as they stared at a ghost. 

At Shannon. 

At Chris’s mother — who Buck knew was dead. 

Had been to the funeral and seen them both through the messy aftermath. Had helped this child mourn once and already knew he’d have to do it again. 

Because that couldn’t be what was happening. 

He still wasn’t sure what was — but Buck knew it wasn’t Shannon standing in their living room. It couldn’t be — things like that didn’t happen in real life — so he did the only thing he could think of. 

Stepped in front of Chris. Put himself between the boy and the apparition of his dead mother. 

Made certain his voice didn’t shake as he spoke, “Go wait on the porch. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Buck—” his voice was barely a whisper, but Buck heard it all the same. Heard the heartbreak and confusion. 

“It’s okay,” he cut him off, “I’ll be right out — just wait for me.”

And then the boy went without protest. Ignored as his father called his name and disappeared back through the front door as Buck forced himself to look at Eddie. 

To look at this woman who wasn’t Shannon but was in his house and had had her arms wrapped around his boyfriend and forced himself to take a breath.

To push down the white hot betrayal that was burning through his veins and stinging at his eyes, because Buck knew he had other things to think of. 

That he had Christopher to think of. 

None of them moved for a second. All locked in a stalemate of silence — each too horrified to break it, lest what was happening become real — but all too soon one of them did.

Eddie leaping to the defensive, “It isn’t what it looks like.”

Buck barely heard him. Could still only stare at the doppelganger of Chris’s mother and question how many evenings Eddie had spent with Tommy. How blind he’d been to the truth. 

It didn't matter. At least not right now. 

“I’m going to go pack Chris a bag,” Buck forced his voice to remain level. To remain calm, to keep everything as under control as possible — even though he half thought the house may be about to collapse around them.

“What?” Eddie’s voice was sharp, reactive all the same. 

“I’m going to pack Chris a bag and we’re going to go somewhere else for the night. He cannot stay here tonight.” 

Buck stressed the last words. Desperate for Eddie to understand what he’d done.

How he’d desecrated the sanctity of their child’s home — how he’d brought some shadow of his mother into their house.

But he could already see that Eddie wasn’t thinking — was only going to react to the thought of Buck taking his son away. 

“We won’t go far,” he stood firm, “but you cannot ask him to stay here tonight.”

His hands were shaking but Buck refused to give in. Knew he needed to stand firm on this. Not just because he was desperate to leave but because even for that split second that he’d seen Chris’s face, he knew something had ruptured irreparably.

That he’d need time and space away from this place to process it. That it was the best Buck could do for him at that moment. 

By some miracle, the woman interrupted, “I’m sorry.” 

She gasped it while looking at Buck. Guilt clinging to her features, dismay tinting her tone. “I’m sorry,” she repeated it, again, “I’m leaving. I promise.”

She made towards the kitchen —  like she already knew where the back door was — and part of Buck was relieved. Knew she wouldn’t have to go past Chris. That she could sneak out the back — like the dirty secret she was — but another part of him was horrified.

Realised she didn’t have to ask. That she already knew where it was.

That she had been there before. 

Eddie stared at him for a second, weighing his options, before darting after the woman, desperately calling, “Kim — wait.”

Buck didn’t stick around to listen to them. Forced his legs to move from where they’d frozen underneath him, towards Chris’s room. Grabbed a backpack and tried to quickly find clothes. Pyjamas, his spare glasses, the tablet that they’d given in and got him for Christmas. 

He heard Eddie coming but Buck still startled as he rounded the door, the other man immediately launching into an explanation “It isn’t what you think.”

Buck focused on grabbing the last few items. Hands hesitating on the teddy bear he knew was from Shannon — unsure whether or not it was the right to bring. He barely heard Eddie’s desperate excuses.

“She just… she looked so much like Shannon. I had to know more. I had to know why — but it didn’t mean anything, Buck. I swear.”

“Okay,” Buck agreed for the sake of ending the conversation. Wanting to get out, wanting to be anywhere but where he was. The photo of Chris and Shannon stared at him from the bedside table — reminded him of what was important. “But Chris can’t stay here.”

“Of course, he can. This is his home.”

“Exactly,” Buck forced himself not to hiss it. Not to let his own pain, confusion, and betrayal tint the word. “It’s not fair to make him stay here. Not after that.”

Despite his careful tone, the words got to Eddie. Made him square his shoulders as if he were trying to make himself bigger.

Blocking the doorway with his body as Buck zipped up Chris’s bag. Abandoning any thought of gathering his own belongings — he was bound to have a few things in his car anyway — he wasn’t what was important. Not right now. 

“And go where?” Eddie shot back, adding an almost mocking, “You’ve got nowhere else to go.”

It wasn’t true, of course. Buck knew that, logically, he could go to any of the 118 and they’d give them both a bed for the night. But how would he explain it — how could he possibly explain the impossible situation Eddie had put them in. 

Still, he refused to give up. Thought of the boy sitting out on the porch, waiting for Buck to fix it — to do something — spurring him on. 

“I’ll figure it out,” Buck insisted, heading towards the door as if to leave. The movement made Eddie pounce. 

Somehow shoving Buck against the wardrobe, even though he never physically touched him. The surprise of it making Buck flinch backwards, drawing in on himself in shock. 

“You can’t just take him. He’s my son,” it was a spat with vitriol. Wetness hitting Buck’s face as he looked into eyes that had once been warm brown but suddenly felt cold, almost cutting. 

“I know,” Buck forced himself to breathe through the surprise, “Eddie, I know, I swear. But this is too much for him. It’s too much for me ,” he finally let his voice break, “Just — just give us tonight. Let me take care of him — let me make sure he’s okay.”

Eddie studied him for a moment. Still far too close for comfort — anger and indignant denial coming off him in waves. It made Buck’s breath catch and eyes water with tears he refused to give in to.

Left them to stand in uncomfortable silence for a moment before something finally made Eddie give in. 

The other man half nodding— sort of jerking his head towards the door in permission — Buck forced himself not to run.

Made himself take quick but steady steps despite how much the tightness in his muscles begged him to take off. To rush out the door and get away — some part of him finally understanding the urge Maddie had so frequently given in to.

But he couldn’t. 

Knew he had to think of something more important than himself. Had to think of the boy waiting for him out on the porch. Remember that his world was devolving as rapidly as Buck’s was and he’d need someone to guide him through the storm.

One of the most surprising benefits of his job was that Buck knew almost every hotel in town. 

Every one of them, an accident hotspot.

Largely embarrassing sex injuries — couples who got just a touch too excited at the prospect of somewhere new, something different.  It was always awkward but at least Buck could usually take a step back during those calls — leave Chim and Hen to do the dirty work. 

But there were plenty of other calls too. Children who’d got themselves stuck on balconies, kitchen accidents, arms stuck in vending machines that swallowed quarters more often than they spat out cheap snacks.

Buck had seen it all — had an index of facts about every hotel and incident stored in the impermeable lockbox of his brain. 

And yet he didn’t think about any of it as they drove in silence. Having shuffled Chris into the car with no destination in mind, Buck had just started driving — knew he should have made his way towards Maddie’s house — or Bobby’s. 

That Hen would have given him a home for the night too. Even Ravi — had he thought to ask — but Buck couldn’t do it.

Couldn’t even consider how to explain what had happened before he’d had to think about it himself. To try and understand what he’d walked in on. 

It hadn’t been a conscious thought to head towards a hotel. To find somewhere cheap but clean where they could just lay their heads for the night. A port in the storm.

They’d just driven in silence — save for the occasional sniffle from Chris.  

Checking in with a bored looking receptionist, who’d asked no questions beyond what kind of room they wanted. It had been a relief to finally close the door. To lock away the rest of the world and take a second to breathe.

Inhale. Exhale.

Try to drive some of the tension out his body through carefully controlled breathing. 

Chris’s voice finally broke through the silence. Mute since those few words uttered back at the house. It was a relief to hear his quiet whisper of Buck’s name but the uncertainty of it struck at his heart. Reminded him that he couldn’t fall apart the way he wanted to. 

The boy looked small where he had slumped onto one of the beds. Strange considering Buck was sure Chris grew every time he turned his back — rapidly leaving the child he’d first met behind.

He somehow looked younger than Buck had ever seen him. His eyes wide and red-rimmed. Cheeks pale, hollow somehow. Everything about him looked wrong. His hair limp and shoulders rounded.

There was something numb about him — almost blank — like he had disappeared into himself under the weight of what he’d seen. 

Buck hated it.

“Who was she?”

The question hung in the air for a second between them. Both well aware of who she wasn’t. 

“I don’t know,” Buck admitted, defeated. His breath stuttering out of him, “I think her name was Kim — at least that’s what your Dad called her — I’ve never seen her before.” 

It was everything Buck knew. Didn’t feel right to keep anything from the boy somehow — the whole truth all he could offer him. It wasn’t enough. 

“She looked like Mom.”  

It wasn’t a question. The sentence silted — a fact. One neither of them knew what to do with. 

“She did. I don’t— I don’t understand it, either.”

“It wasn’t her though.”

“No,” Buck forced himself to admit. Made himself quash whatever tiny bit of hope they both knew was pointless. That they knew didn’t exist but couldn’t help but dream of. 

The admission made the boy crumble further. Curling in on himself as tears started to fall down his cheeks again. Buck closed the distance between them before he was even aware he’d moved.

Pulled Chris close to his chest and wished he could protect him from all of it — wished there was nothing to protect him from in the first place. 

“I thought it was her,” Chris whispered, “for just a second — I thought it was her.”

Buck could do nothing but squeeze him tighter. Words failing him, all he could do was hold him through it. Let his shirt be soaked through with tears and snot. His body ached from the awkward angle, but it didn’t matter. The shaking form in his arms far more important than any level of discomfort. 

He could tell Chris was tired by the time the worst of it passed. Breaths growing more even as he stopped hiccupping tears. There was a bone deep exhaustion to him but also a type of clarity.

His voice almost firm as he spoke, “I want to call my Abuela.”

Buck’s heart stopped at the words.

His relationship with Helena and Ramone Diaz was rocky at best. They couldn’t bring themselves to outright reject their son, but it was no secret they were uncomfortable with his lifestyle. 

Made no end of comments about how a child needed balance — needed a mother — whenever they called. There seemed to be an almost stalemate where they never acknowledged Buck and in return Eddie never mentioned him. Their conversations focusing on Chris and the rest of their family. 

They’d never made it out to visit — always too busy the few times Eddie had felt obligated to offer. But even their phone calls left things on edge — made Eddie tense and defensive when he’d hung up.

The weight of their disapproval spilling into the rest of their lives.

They’d tried to shield Chris from it all. Made sure to never say a word against Eddie’s parents in front of him. Had tried everything to protect him from the hurtful truth but Buck was sure he’d picked up on some of it. 

Children always did.

Had some kind of hyper awareness as to when things were not exactly as they seemed.  Had noticed the way Chris never rang his grandparents without prompting. Told them tales of his friends and school days but made sure they were always carefully curated.

Nothing that would cause friction between Eddie and his parents — gave them only small parts of himself. 

The statement shocked him. Left Buck scrambling to put together the pieces and drawing a blank, desperately trying to understand what the boy wanted to do. 

“What? Why?” the questions tumbled out his mouth before Buck could stop them. Not defensive — just confused. Genuinely baffled. 

He felt Chris take a breath before he replied, “I can’t — I can’t go back there, Buck.” His voice started to break again as he spoke, “I don’t want to. I don’t want to see her again.” 

“I don’t think your Dad will ever let her in there again,” Buck rushed to reassure. Even though he knew that wasn’t what Chris meant.

“But I will,” Chris insisted, “I’m going to see her every time.”

His body was tensing again. Anxiety lodging itself in his muscles — making his shoulders start to tremble in Buck’s arms. 

“Okay. It’s okay,” Buck soothed, “I know — but I don’t understand what your Abuela has to do with it.”

“I want to go stay with her.”

It felt like a shot to the chest. His heart being torn from his rib cage for the second time that night, Bucks’ breath caught in his throat.

A choking noise tore itself from him as he asked again, “What?”

“I don’t want to go home. I can’t—” tears cut Chris off again, and Buck knew he was telling the truth. 

That sending him back to the house to look for an apparition of his mother in the corner of every room was cruel. It was exactly what Buck had said to Eddie when he’d taken Chris out of the house that evening and one night in a hotel wasn’t going to fix it.

Truthfully, he didn’t know what would. 

But Helena Diaz was not the answer to that problem. 

Buck had heard enough stories of Eddie’s childhood to know she would twist it to her advantage somehow. Would keep Chris there forever if possible. Take him away from the loving home he had in California for the proper home she would provide.

He knew Chris needed the out, but he couldn’t have her be the one to provide it for him. 

“Okay,” Buck tried to appease him, “I understand, I do, but I don’t think your Grandmother is the answer here, bud.” 

“Then who is!” Chris finally lashed out. Confusion, exhaustion, and grief manifesting as anger for a brief second before he collapsed back in on himself, “I can’t stay here, Buck. I can’t.”

He repeated it like a mantra and Buck understood. Wished he could run too. Thought of those days where he could have just got in the Jeep and driven away from his problems. Left them in the rear view mirror to become someone else. 

He’d never managed it. Too desperate to hold on — to cling — to ever truly free himself from the past, but he could understand the desire. Thought perhaps he’d never understood it more, and knew he needed to give Chris that out — as Maddie once had him. 

Pepa was too close — Buck knew that. Eddie would never be able to give Chris the space he needed if he was that temptingly close. And his Bisabuela wasn’t an option either, but Chris had other family.

One’s Buck rarely interacted with but that he knew would give Chris their best — could be a safe place to land. 

“What about — what about your Tia Adriana?” he asked hesitantly, unsure how Chris would take the suggestion.

“Huh?” The question had clearly thrown Chris off balance. Expecting resistance — expecting Buck would insist he stay close by. Wouldn’t give him the space he needed. 

“You’re right,” Buck admitted, “You shouldn’t have to stay here — not if you don’t want to — but I don’t think El Paso is a good idea.” He didn’t admit the reasons why, but he knew Chris was aware of them. “I could ask your Aunt about you visiting, though?”

Buck waited until Chris was in the shower to make the phone call. The hotel by some miracle having an accessible room available last minute.  Part of him wanted to put it off.

He didn’t know Adriana well — had said hellos to her in the backgrounds of FaceTime calls, was part of the Diaz siblings and their partners extended group chat but that was about it. 

They’d never even actually met in person, but Buck still knew she was the best option. That Eddie had never spoken of his sisters in anything but the fondest of tones — even if it was often tinted with an eldest child’s exasperation. 

And more importantly — he knew they both shared Eddie’s steadfast sense of familial duty. 

The only reason Adriana hadn’t visited after the shooting — her eight month belly and subsequent newborn. Sophia, off travelling, done with university and free from expectation as the youngest child. 

She had been desperately trying to book a flight when Eddie had woken and insisted, she stay where she was — refused to hear a word of her cutting her travels short for him.

It had been the cause of many an argument during his recovery and Buck half thought the spats where the reason he’d healed so well — a part of Eddie always relishing in a petty fight. 

He forced himself not to hesitate once he’d navigated to Adriana’s contact. Made himself press call and wait for it to go through, the phone dialling for several moments before she finally answered. 

“Buck,” she was frantic, “What’s happened? What’s happened to him?”

Her panic momentarily shocked him, forgetting that it was the middle of the night in Austin. That he’d never called her before, and that when someone’s brother worked in their line of work it could only mean one thing. At least usually. 

“Eddie’s okay,” he rushed to clarify, explaining, “It’s Chris,” and then cursed himself for his clumsy phrasing when he got a horrified, 

“What?” in reply.

“He’s fine too, he just—” Buck cut himself off again, unsure how to possibly explain. Made himself forge ahead, “He saw something he shouldn’t have. We’d been at the movies and when we got back Eddie was in the house with another woman.”

It stung saying it out loud, admitting part of it, even if it wasn’t the worst part. Even if Buck didn’t really know what he was telling Adriana — didn’t know if he believed Eddie when he said it was nothing.

Wondered if he could believe him when he’d clearly been lying about what he was doing anyway. 

The line was silent when he finished speaking, only Adriana’s breathing on the other end of the phone. Neither sure what to say, Buck knew he needed to explain further but also knew the next part would sound insane. 

Still, he bit the bullet, thought of Chris and made himself say it out loud, “She looked like Shannon.”

Adriana inhaled sharply, but Buck kept going, “I know it sounds mad, but she did. She looked exactly like Shannon and Chris walked right in on them, and I — I don't know what to do,” he finally admitted. 

“Where are you guys?” Adriana finally asked. “Not at home, I’m guessing?”

“A hotel,” Buck agreed, “Just for the night, I had hoped, but Chris, he — he wanted to go and stay with your parents.”

He knew it would tell Adriana everything he needed it to. That all three of them had wriggled their way out of Helena and Ramones controlling grasp over the years. Adriana escaping to Austin for college and never leaving, Sophia fleeing even further. 

“So, you called me.”

“Yeah,” Buck sighed, unsure how to explain any further. Only hoping she knew what he was asking. That it wouldn’t be too much of an imposition, especially asked from someone she barely knew — even if it was for her nephew. 

For a moment all he could hear was movement and a distant muffled voice — like she’d pulled the phone away from her ear and placed a hand over the speaker — and finally he got a reply. 

“I’ll be on the first flight out.”

Buck barely slept. Spent most of the night watching the rise and fall of Chris’s chest from where he’d passed out on the other bed. Just lay on his own feeling numb. Couldn’t bring himself to think about how quickly everything was spinning apart. 

He usually loved the sunrise — would go up onto the roof of the firehouse to watch it when he got the opportunity. Something about the warm light it washed over the city in bringing a sense of renewal — a reminder that everything could start again. 

He hated watching the crack of light through the curtains grow brighter that morning. Knew that it wouldn’t be the case today. That the previous night’s revelations would still ring true in the cold light of day. 

So, he made no effort to get up. Knew their check out wasn’t for a while and wanted to give Chris the opportunity to sleep.

The poor kid exhausted — the burden of what he’d seen weighing on him. Buck wouldn’t wake him just to provide a distraction from his rapidly spiralling thoughts. 

Adriana had sent through her flight details mere minutes after they’d got off the phone. Buck truly impressed by her efficiency — she’d told the truth when she said she’d get the first flight out — her plane due not long after their check out. 

He almost couldn’t believe she was actually coming, but he was relieved she was. Knew that it would be the best thing for Chris.

That the boy needed time away from everything to process and hoped that time with his young cousins would actually be good for him. Had spent many an afternoon watching him enjoy playing the older nephew — indulging Jee’s whims. 

He just needed to convince Eddie as much — hoped that having his sister on side would stop him from protesting too much and hurting Chris further in the struggle. 

His phone buzzed as he thought about it. Eddie’s name flashing across the screen, clearly having grown impatient waiting — not knowing where his son was, where Buck was, likely driving him crazy. The message wasn’t a surprise. 

When will you be back?

This afternoon.

Not sure exactly when. 

More messages came through after he replied but Buck couldn’t bring himself to look at them. Didn’t want to know what Eddie was saying — if he was still trying to explain. Wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear his explanations, or if they even mattered. 

There was a part of Buck that thought he was being dramatic. That he should hear Eddie out — it was likely something he didn’t understand anyway. He’d never been through the pain of losing his wife and yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. 

The sting whenever he thought about finding Eddie in that woman’s arms too sharp. Unignorable. The knowledge that it had been going on for far longer than he’d realised irritating wound — making him wonder what else he’d missed. 

The thought of actually seeing Eddie again filled him with anxious energy. Forced him from bed to pace as quietly as he could. Already anticipating the argument when he took Chris back to pick up more of his things — only the knowledge it was the best choice kept him calm. 

Let him leave Chris to sleep until the absolute last minute. Gently shaking the boy’s shoulders to coax him out of bed. 

“Hey — come on, time to get up, bud.” He got a slight groan in response, “We’ve got to go pick up your Tia, remember?”

The reminder that it was all real sobered Chris. Made him stop playing at the grumpy teenager and sit up silently. All traces of humour gone — Buck hated the blank look in his eyes. How distant and cold the usually sweet, open boy had become. 

“Drive through breakfast?” Buck offered.  Hardly the most exciting of options but it had always been something of a novelty to a younger Chris. A special treat on the way to the zoo or aquarium. It didn’t have the same effect today. 

This new, strangely hollow Chris merely shrugged, “If you want? I’m not really hungry.”

Buck wasn’t either but knew that they needed to eat. That they’d indulged on popcorn and candy at the cinema the night before but hadn’t had anything substantial.

The previous night’s take out abandoned at the house as he’d packed Chris’s bag. 

The thick scent of grease was seeping slowly into the upholstery of Buck’s car by the time they’d made it back to the house. Adriana in the passenger seat next to him, neither had tried to make awkward small talk. 

She’d wrapped her arms tightly around Chris when they had first reunited. Squeezed him against her chest and pressed a kiss into his hair in a way that reminded Buck of Eddie. Her features softer, more delicate, but the expression still the same. 

The sight of the house made his palms start to sweat. Skin going clammy as he thought about what he was going to have to do. Of what might be waiting for him inside those four walls — memories of the last time Eddie’s life had felt like it was falling apart flooding him. 

The frantic call from Chris. The silence that had echoed from behind a closed door. The destruction that lay beyond it. It made his heart race, fingers gripping the wheel, wishing he could drive them away. 

Adriana’s voice interrupted his spiral, “Come on. No point putting it off — Chris and I have a flight to catch.”

Her quiet, steady voice settled something in him. Reminded Buck that he wasn’t doing it alone. That whatever she’d heard in his tone during that midnight phone call had convinced her to race out to them — to prebook Chris’s accompanying ticket back. 

She entered the house first. Gilded forward like a Valkyrie — Buck was relieved she’d been the one to do it. Knew he’d have hesitated at the last minute — dreading the conversation to come. 

Whatever fight Eddie had been working himself up towards was momentarily knocked out of him in shock, “Adriana.”

“Eddie,” her voice was carefully neutral — nothing to suggest her presence was unusual. 

Something about it still put the other man on edge, his eyes flashing towards Buck as he spat out, “You called my sister? Why ?”

Fury coated the last word — made it clear Buck had erred. His muscles tensed at the tone — heart that was already beating far too quickly, somehow racing even faster. He couldn’t think how to explain that it was the best option — already knew Eddie wouldn’t forgive him easily for his betrayal — never mind that it was done with good intentions. 

Chris inserted himself into the conversation before Buck could try and placate Eddie, “I wanted him to.”

The words stunned Eddie into silence. Made the whole room pause for a second before Chris continued, “Or well, Buck suggested it — but only because I wanted to call Abuela first.”

Eddie’s nostrils twitched at the mention of his mother, but he made no other outward movement. Did nothing to encourage his son to explain more, but Chris forged on. 

“I—” he stumbled over his words for a moment, “I can’t stay here, Dad.”

“Of course, you can,” Eddie cut in, “This is your home.”

“It is,” Chris agreed, his breath growing uneven, “but it doesn’t feel like that right now. I don’t want to be here.”

Buck hated that Chris felt the need to be reasonable. Was desperately trying to explain his reaction to seeing something that never should have happened in the first place. 

The weight of it visibly weighing on the child — dulling his eyes, greying his skin. Everything about him looked wrong — almost defeated — and Eddie somehow missed it all.

Too caught up in the panic of their ambush to see what was right in front of him. 

Instead, protesting, “Chris, I’m not just going to let you go to Texas. I know what you saw was confusing, but it didn't mean anything — I swear.” 

The words did little to comfort the boy, but Eddie didn’t seem to realise, so desperate to justify what he’d done, “She’s gone — I promise. You’ll never see her again.”

“Eddie,” Adriana’s voice cut in. Whip sharp — it cut through the air between them. 

Made his head snap towards her, his jaw clenching as he was forced to look at the consequences of his actions.

At the fact his sister was in California — had abandoned her family in the middle of the night and jumped on a flight to try and help pick up the pieces of what he had broken. 

“Listen to him,” she continued, “He is trying to tell you how you can fix this.”

Buck wished he could help intervene. Could join Adriana in convincing Eddie that letting Chris go was the right choice — was the only choice really — but part of him felt stuck.

Could only stare at the spot where they’d been last night — Eddie wrapped around Kim, clinging to her with a desperation that he could never remember the other man holding him with. 

It made him feel cold. Oddly distant somehow too — like he wasn’t quite in his body. Adriana’s voice washing over him — none of her words really registering — Buck could only continue to be thankful she was here.

Worried — deep down — that despite knowing it was what was best for Chris, that Eddie would have talked him out of it. 

“He wanted to call Mom,” she stressed the last word.

Both well aware of how badly Helena Diaz would take advantage of the situation. That whatever fears Eddie had of letting Chris go with his Aunt would be a thousand times worse were it his mother. 

The realisation finally broke through to him. 

Made his shoulders slump, shame washing over him. The stress and fear that had been presenting as rage and indignation finally breaking through the facade. Exhaustion painting itself on his face. 

His tone was soft when he looked at Chris again, subdued, “What do you want to do?”

Eddie closed his eyes for a second, as if he dreaded the answer, but Chris gave one anyway.

“I want to go with Tia Adriana,” it was the surest Buck had heard him since it had all begun.

“You’ll take care of him?” Eddie addressed his sister, again. 

“Of course, I will,” she reassured him. “I don’t know what’s happening here, Eds, but maybe you both need a little time.” 

It was as diplomatic an out as Adriana could give him, and Eddie knew it. Nodded to himself for a moment with a grim expression. 

Seeming to brace himself before speaking, “Okay,” he let out a shuddering breath, “Okay — if you really think you want to go, I won’t stop you.”

“Good,” Adriana answered for Chris, turning to the boy to address him directly, “Come on — let’s go pack you a bag.”

Buck’s heart rate ratcheted up again as they disappeared into the boy’s bedroom. Left to face Eddie alone, they were both silent for a time — neither sure what to say.

It was uncomfortable in a way that Buck had grown accustomed to but that it never used to be. The air growing more tense the longer time went on. 

“You didn’t have to call her,” Eddie’s voice was quiet, not wanting to be overheard. There was that same shame to it but something else too Buck thought — an undertone of irritation. 

“I wasn’t going to let him ring your parents.”

“Obviously — but she didn’t need to come here. We could have sorted it ourselves.”

“I don’t know we could have this time,” Buck admitted, defeated.

“We could have,” Eddie insisted. “We always have.”

There was his usual stubbornness.  A completely unwillingness to admit defeat. It almost surprised him — sure that Eddie had seen reason when he conceded to Adriana — but part of Buck knew it wasn’t really about that. 

It was about the fact Buck had reached out to her in the first place. That despite knowing it was the best course of action — Buck had still betrayed him.

Had forced Eddie to show his soft underbelly to his sister and lost him his son in the process. 

Buck could feel the haziness coming back to him — the cloud that always descended over him when they fought. He didn’t know when it had become easier to retreat inside himself while they argued — show Eddie his throat and just let the other man’s words wash over him — but the numbness that came with it offered relief.

A distance from rehashing the mistakes Buck already knew he had made. 

It almost made him question if they were doing the right thing. If perhaps Eddie was right, and they could have fixed things at home. That Buck was being dramatic — as always — and that Chris would be better off staying with them, but the other’s return put a stop to it. 

“That was quick,” Eddie was tense, recognising what would come next. 

“Yeah—” Adriana agreed, “We figured you could send us anything we forgot.”

They nodded in mirror images of each other. Both so driven by loyalty and love of family. Buck could see that it hurt Adriana to take Chris from his father — even if it would only be for a short while and they all knew it was for the best. 

“Okay—” Eddie sounded like he was convincing himself he was doing the right thing. Taking a deep breath before crouching so he could talk more easily to Chris.

The boy just barely making eye contact.  

“If you really want to do this, mijo, you can, but you’ve gotta know that I love you and that I never wanted any of this to hurt you. So, you can go with your Tia now, but the second you want to come home, I’ll come and get you, okay. The second.”

Buck didn’t think he’d ever been so thankful to leave the house as when Adriana directed him back to the car.

Dreaded the thought of being left alone with Eddie to go over everything they hadn’t discussed. Everything that was hanging between them without Chris as a distraction. 

Her casual mention of Buck’s promised ride back to the airport gave him the out he hadn’t known he needed. Had been so wrapped up in his head — that same fuzzy feeling lingering over him — he barely remembered getting on the highway. 

Knew he probably shouldn’t have been driving but could feel the fog lifting with every mile they got away from the house. The stark reality of what was happening finally dawning on him — he almost didn’t hear Adriana speak. 

“You’re doing the right thing.”

“What?”

“Letting me take Chris for the summer — you’re doing the right thing.”

A quick glance in the rearview mirror confirmed Chris had his headphones on. That the boy looked melancholy and tired but that his head was bopping gently along to whatever white noise was classified as pop music these days. 

“Am I?” Buck hated how vulnerable he sounded. How unsure.

She nodded quickly, “Eddie... I don’t know exactly what’s going on with him, but Chris shouldn't be around while he tries to figure it out. If anything, I think taking him might give Eds a chance to properly get himself sorted.”

“I know,” Buck admitted defeat, “I just don’t know what he can do differently this time. What did we do wrong two years ago? The time before that?”

He’d never discussed Eddie’s troubles so openly before. Never mentioned to anyone how sometimes he felt like he may be pulled apart by the destructive velocity of Eddie’s spirals. Didn’t know exactly what prompted him to reference them to Adriana but figured she’d seen this much. 

She was silent for a moment. Contemplating — as if weighing her words, “I never blamed Shannon for leaving him.” 

The statement shocked Buck enough to keep him silent. 

“I love my brother — sometimes I think he was the only thing that kept me sane in the house growing up — but I’m not blind to his faults. When he enlisted, it wrecked Shannon — she was older than me, but I still remember how much she changed after he did it. How she just became this kind of ghost.”

Buck had heard all of this before, but it was enlightening hearing it from Adriana’s lips. Only having heard how hard it was on Eddie to miss those key moments — to watch Chris grow up through a screen.

He’d never thought of what it was like for Shannon dealing with it all home alone. 

“The second time, though — when he reupped — that was what really got her. The fact she had begged him not to do it. Tried, so desperately, to explain that what she really needed was for him to stay — to be there — and that he just couldn’t do it. Had to run away back to be a hero — to be a man.”

“He didn’t want to do it,” Buck tried to protest, “He just didn’t know what else to do.”

“Maybe,” she hummed, thinking, “But it wasn’t even just the fact he did it in the end. It was the way he did. How — even as she was desperately asking him not to — he just kept telling her that she was fine, that everything would be fine so long as he did it. That he ignored everything she was telling him because Eddie is always right — so nothing can ever be his fault.” 

The words struck a chord. Made something inside of him crumble. A thought that had played at the edge of his conscious — one that Buck had never actually let himself consider. 

She marched on, determined to bring Buck some kind of revelation before they made it to the drop off point, “She loved him but leaving him was the best thing she ever did for herself — even if I know how much leaving Chris hurt her.”

“I don’t want to leave him, either” the words escaped Buck before he could stop them. Something he hadn’t even considered — not properly — but that she was suddenly putting into words. “I don’t want to be another person to abandon him.”

“I don’t think you’d have to. He’s older now — enough to have some say in who’s a part of his life — clearly. Besides, you’ve been a father to him for years now,” the words punched the breath out of Buck’s lungs. “For all his faults, I don’t think my brother would ever stop Chris from having another person who loves him. I certainly wouldn’t let him.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Buck confessed, “I just — I don’t understand why he did it.”

She hummed for a moment, contemplating, “I doubt he knows either — but that's not up to you. That’s something for Eddie to figure out for himself. Just... just don’t lose yourself to him. I watched Shannon get swept up in Eddie’s messes — saw how she was always left to go along with what he wanted and that he could never do the same for her. Even when her mother had fucking cancer.”

Buck wanted to say something. Wanted to protest somehow — but found the words sticking in his throat. The truth of what she was saying keeping him silent. 

“I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship — but I know Eddie wouldn’t have done what he did had he stopped to think about it for even a second. Had he considered anything other than his own wants and needs — so I guess I just want you to ask yourself if you’ve ever been able to do the same. Forget about him entirely — do you want and damn the consequences.”

“No,” Buck barely whispered the word. Didn’t want to admit the truth but found it forced out of him — something about Adriana’s brutal honesty encouraging his own. “I don’t think I’ve done anything without considering what it means for us all in years. Honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever been able to do it.”

“Exactly,” her tone was soft — coaxing in a way — like she worried she’d startle him if she said too much. “You never could have done what he did — so can you stay with him knowing that he could.”

Adriana’s words left him unsettled. Forced him to reckon with what he already knew but hadn’t wanted to acknowledge. That every time he closed his eyes Buck could see Eddie with her.  

Felt the quick stab to the heart every time he so much as thought about it. The sting of betrayal refusing to lessen — remaining an open wound that Buck didn’t want to admit he was ignoring.

Didn’t want to put pressure on to stop the bleeding because the pain of stemming the flow would hurt too much. 

Chris had been an easy distraction. Allowed Buck to push his own feelings to the side as he desperately tried to soften the blow they’d been dealt — but with every mile the boy flew away the excuse withered. 

Left Buck with only his own thoughts. Adriana’s comments sending them spiralling — her question throwing his world into a tailspin.

That what she said was true — that Buck never could have done what Eddie had — a startling realisation. The mere thought of causing him that kind of pain impossible. 

He didn’t know what to do with the fact Eddie seemingly never considered him. That Buck wasn’t the centre of his world in the way Eddie was his. It forced him to reassess their relationship — to consider what Eddie’s deception really meant. 

How Buck was already questioning if he would ever be able to take Eddie at his word again.

Knew he would find himself second guessing every meeting with friends. Every time the other man took too long picking up groceries or was late back from an extra shift. 

Even the thought of it made him anxious — insecure in a way Buck had thought they’d moved past. Never having quite settled into their relationship in the early days.

Eddie’s unease. The way he had continuously pulled Buck closer only to shove him away again — had left Buck reeling more times than he wanted to admit — but he thought he’d moved past it. 

That over time — as their relationship developed — he’d been more sure of its stability. But he questioned it now. Wondered if they’d ever really moved past those initial shakes.

If the security Buck had felt was more like he’d grown his sea-legs. Adapted to the rolling of the waves and learnt to ignore the swirling in his stomach. 

Eddie had certainly never stopped his back-and-forth. 

The thought overwhelmed him. Too much for Buck to consider on too little sleep and with a half broken heart from sending Chris away. He focused on something easier — something he could control.

Directing his Jeep towards the firehouse — never mind that he wasn’t due back on shift for another couple of days. Knew he wouldn’t be able to focus the way he needed to, if the next time he saw Eddie was at work.

The thought of having to put it all to the side too much — Buck knew he needed space. 

Found himself doing something he never thought he would. Trying to explain as calmly and rationally as possible to the B shift’s captain that he wanted to switch shifts. That he and Eddie were going through a rough patch and needed some time apart. 

He could see the concern on the other man’s face. The whole of the 118 well aware of what he’d put the A Shift through years ago to get back to his family.

Buck couldn’t bear the idea of facing them yet — didn’t want to even contemplate it. 

Found himself silently begging Captain Stewart to see that it wasn’t an idle request. That he needed the distance the way a drowning victim needed a life ring. Something to keep him afloat until they could figure out rescue. 

The older man must have seen something in Buck’s eyes — his tone gruff but kind, “Alright, Buckley. I’m always happy to have you on my shift.”

It was an unexpected complement that would have made his heart swell any other time — but Buck could only sigh in relief. The knowledge he wouldn’t have to awkwardly try and work around Eddie, a weight off his shoulders. 

“I’ll sort it with Bobby,” Stewart continued, “Panikkar’s usually happy to swap. I’ll talk it through with him. Lord knows the boy is always too keen to sneak in an extra shift, anyway.”

Buck thanked the other captain sincerely. Knew that he should have gone to Bobby directly. Obeyed the chain of command and sorted it out himself — but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

The thought of trying to explain filling him with dread. The idea of it somehow making everything too real. Knowing that Bobby would want more information than the scant details Buck had given Captain Stewart. 

He half worried that with those extra details Bobby would try and talk Buck out of it. Would try to keep him close and fix everything that way Buck also usually longed to. He almost couldn't believe he was purposefully separating himself — but he just couldn’t face them. 

Didn’t know how to explain everything. Didn’t know if he even wanted to. Unsure if he wanted to admit that he hadn’t realised something was wrong.

Never mind, the way he’d been slowly crawling out of his skin for weeks now.

Something inside of him deeply unsettled — he’d chalked it up to jealousy. Had never considered anything else. 

It should have felt like a relief leaving the firehouse, but Buck mostly just felt numb. Got back in his car and started driving. Found a cheaper hotel — one with a shittier room now that he didn’t have Chris to think of — and let himself take a breath. 

Sat there — emotionless — for far longer than he knew. Everything in him exhausted — his head throbbing lightly, his muscles aching from where they’d been tense all morning — he felt none of it.

Mind distant from his body, the only thing that snapped him out of it was a call flashing across his phone screen. A surprise given how carefully he’d set up his call forwarding in the early hours of the morning. Carefully sending every one of Eddie’s attempts to contact him to voicemail — not knowing if he’d ever listen to them.

Bobby’s name lit up the phone in front of him. A photo of the man — hyper focused on the barbeque, expression so serious it was usually reserved for Five Alarm Fires — filling the screen.

Buck let it ring through for a minute. Hoped that would be the last of it — he knew it was too good to be true. 

Bobby’s face once again lighting up the screen as soon as it had gone dark. Buck just stared at it for another moment. Made himself really consider what he wanted to do — and then purposefully clicked reject.

Turning his phone off for good measure and finally letting himself rest.

The sun was already high in the sky when he woke. The previous afternoon lost to a deep slumber that had done nothing to make him feel rested.

Instead, left him disorientated — his head fuzzy and body heavy as he stumbled from the bed. Cupped a hand under the faucet and gulped down water — parched from sleeping through the night and well into the next day.  

It was cold as it hit his empty stomach. Reminding Buck that he hadn’t eaten since the greasy car breakfast he and Chris had shared on the way to the airport.

He didn’t care. Found he wasn’t hungry. Numb to the gentle ache of hunger as he was to everything else. 

Instead, he let himself slump back onto the uncomfortable bed. His feet nudging the edge of the mattress in a way they never did at home. He wanted to miss his bed — the one thing they’d kept from Buck’s loft — donating practically everything else as they didn’t need the duplicates.

Not so much a merging of lives as Buck desperately adjusting himself to ensure he’d fit.

He hadn’t thought about it at the time — had only been thrilled he was finally being given a home, being invited to stay — but that memory felt different now.

Altered.

A reminder that Eddie had never really had to sacrifice anything for their relationship, but Buck had given up time and time again.

Always ceding to Eddie’s wishes. That it was somehow just easier — kept things steadier. Limited the risk of being asked to leave, yet again.

Buck knew he’d have to go home at some point. That he couldn’t stay in this sad little hotel room — with the few clothes he’d managed to scavenge from his locker at the firehouse — forever. But it still felt like too soon — like too much somehow.

So, he had allowed himself another night at the very least. Wanted to make sure Eddie was on shift when he returned to gather his things. Knew he couldn’t face the other man — needed more time before considering the dirty work ahead of him. 

He finally forced himself to turn on his phone. The device vibrating wildly with missed calls and messages. He waited for it to still, taking a breath before he made himself look at it.

Scrolled through the missed calls from Eddie without reading them — ignored his texts too. 

Didn’t open the few messages in the A shift’s group chat — everyone busy with their families and lives. Buck was glad they hadn’t realised yet. Were getting to enjoy their off time in peace — that he hadn’t somehow brought chaos into their lives too.

The text from Bobby caught his eye, though. Made him feel vaguely guilty for the fact the older man had even done it. Knew he hated texting — thought it was impersonal — too distant.

Buck usually made fun of him for it on account of his age but he knew that wasn’t really the case. Athena certainly never had any difficulties. The quirk uniquely Bobby’s.

Buck, Cpt Stewart says you’ve asked to switch to B-Shift. Please call me back.

A follow up. Another thing for Buck to feel guilty about.

Buck, he said you mentioned something to do with Eddie. Is everything okay?

I think you’ve turned your phone off. I spoke to Eddie, and he said you’re okay, but that Chris is gone. Please call me back as soon as you see this.

He knew he owed Bobby a reply.

That it wasn’t fair to leave the older man without an explanation — he’d done too much for Buck not to owe him that. So he forced himself to respond. Taking the cop-out of another text — unable to face the phone call.

I’m okay.

Chris and I found Eddie with another woman.

His Aunt has taken him to Austin for the summer.

I just need a little space.

It was all Buck could give him. As neutral an explanation as possible — he didn’t want to bring his turbulent emotions into it. Knew he’d let them overwhelm him. Worried he’d lash out in the way he always had.

He couldn’t let himself do it. Didn’t have the energy and truthfully feared the consequences if he did. Didn’t know how everyone would react — so he forced himself to remain detached. Unfeeling. 

Checked his messages from Adriana — saw that they’d landed safely while he slept. Appreciated the sweet picture she’d sent through of Chris meeting his newest cousin.

Something about the soft warmth in his eyes as he cradled the six-month-old  reassuring Buck that he’d done the right thing. 

The thought that he’d at least done something right. That he’d managed to give Chris a safe place to curl up and lick his wounds was enough to settle him slightly.

It didn’t soothe the white hot pain of betrayal, or clear any of his confusion, but it at least made him feel a little more present. 

Made him conscious of his body for what felt like the first time in days. The gnaw of hunger in his stomach becoming more urgent. The slight clamminess to his skin from too many hours spent unconscious — the exhaustion that somehow still tugged at him despite that. 

The realisations that at least gave him something to focus on. Achievable goals that didn’t require him to think about anything more complex. Let him concentrate on ordering food and showering before falling back into an exhausted sleep.

He’d woken in time for the shift he no longer had. Habit that was etched bone deep after so many years on the same schedule — even as unpredictable as it often was. 

His muscles itched as he got dressed. Ready for the adrenaline of work — for the way it pushed his body to its limits.

Knowing that he wasn’t going left him restless. Rushed him from his shitty hotel room as the sight of the same four walls were liable to driving him insane.

He knew a large part of it was anxiety. That the A Shift were back on duty and that his absence would be noted. Wasn’t sure what Bobby was going to say to them and, frankly, dreaded what Eddie was going to do more, but he didn’t regret switching.

Knew he wasn’t ready to face them all yet — couldn’t see their faces as they found out. 

Still, he hated waiting. Couldn’t let himself sit idly around. Longed to do something — to move — after two days of motionless.

The way his body felt stagnant reminding him of the worst days after his crush injury. The memory of how alone he’d felt in those months stinging even more than usual.

He found himself at the gym without really planning it. Enjoyed the anonymity of the unknown faces around him. Let himself push his body to its limit on the treadmill — muscles already burning by the time he racked up weights. 

It was mindless. Counts and repetitions that wouldn’t let his mind wander to the phone in his locker. The texts that were undoubtedly piling up.

He was still anxious by the time he was finished but he at least didn’t feel like his bones were going to vibrate out of his skin in quite the same way. 

Actually, felt ready to face the barrage of messages when he finally looked at his phone again. His lock screen, unsurprisingly filled with notifications — it took him a moment to scroll through them all. 

One from Bobby sent before their shift actually started — telling him to take care of himself and that he was welcome back to A Shift at any time. That he was welcome at their house whenever he wanted too — the poor man clearly having accepted that Buck wasn’t ready to take phone calls and had resorted to his most hated form of communication. 

Messages from Chimney — telling him that Eddie regretted it. That he wasn’t thinking and everything had spiralled out of control. That Buck just needed to talk to him — to stop rejecting the other man’s calls.

There was a follow up a few minutes later asking Buck to ring his sister. Chimney clearly having passed on the news. He could see there were a few missed calls from Maddie — unread texts too — but he left them for the moment. 

Swiped across to Hen’s number and had to take a pause after he read her messages. 

Buckaroo — I know you’re hurting right now.

But he didn’t mean to do it.

Trust me — I’ve been him. 

It wasn’t about you.

Don’t let this be the thing to break you apart.

It was somehow a surprise and not — the slightly unfeeling messages from the pair of them. He’d known it was a risk he was taking by not speaking to them directly — leaving Eddie to explain.

To justify what he’d done. Buck had hoped they’d at least tried to see it from his perspective and not just take the other man at his word — but it was a choice he’d made. 

The most shocking part was the lack of messages from Eddie. No new missed calls either — as if he’d finally recognised Buck’s need for distance. He didn't know if it reassured him. The change leaving him uneasy — unsure whether to feel relief or dread what it meant. 

Instead, he just felt oddly hollow. Empty as if someone had reached inside him and scraped out what little substance was left.

The hope that they’d understand how he was feeling dying through a few short messages. Left him to his swirling emotions once again. 

He made himself push aside his disappointment. The sting from lack of support — of understanding — a dull ache but a well-known one. Easily quashed with the thought of what was to come.

Of what he could no longer put off. 

His knuckles were white as they gripped the steering wheel. Palms growing clammy as he turned down familiar streets. He had to take a moment when he reached the house. Sat in the Jeep and just stared. 

The place he’d made so many happy memories somehow irreparably tainted. The thought of Christopher’s subdued form, slumped on the porch, haunting him even from the car.

Buck knew walking through the door wouldn’t be any easier.

Made himself do it anyway. His eyes stinging as he undid the lock — body tensing as it remembered what had happened the last time he’d crossed the threshold.

He found he couldn’t look at the spot where they’d been. Half feared he’d see some kind of ghost of them — a shadow burnt on to the paint. A scar forced upon the house the way it had been forced upon him.

Buck rushed towards the bedroom before he could stare at it and try to mark any differences. Opened the chest of draws and cursed the way their wardrobes had merged over the years.

Wasn’t sure why it mattered to him so much that he took only things he was certain were his.

It took him longer than it should have to sort through their belongings — his duffle bag meagre. He searched desperately for other things to take — tried to think back to his days as a wanderer — what had been really important to him then. 

He startled when he heard the voice behind him. Blood going cold at the familiar tone. 

“Buck,” there was coolness to Eddie’s words. Like he was relieved but reluctant to show it. “You came home.”

He forced himself to turn and look at the other man. To see the deep bags under his eyes, the way his hair was hanging limp. Buck knew he was partially responsible — that his radio silence likely sent Eddie even into a panic — but he found he almost didn’t care. 

“What are you doing here?” Buck tried not to let his voice grow too confrontational — hoped it came across as just a curious question. “Don’t you have a shift?”

“Bobby let me leave for a bit—”

“What?” Buck cut in, confused and slightly betrayed. 

“The others saw that you’d read their messages, and we figured you were likely to try and come round when you thought I was working so Bobby said they’d get by without me for a while.”

The acknowledgement that it was intentional — almost a trap — set Buck’s teeth on edge. The thought that he couldn’t have so much as some breathing room was disappointing and yet unsurprising.

None of them ever trusting he knew what he needed — he half thought they still saw him as the same naive probie he’d been when he joined the 118. 

That he needed Bobby to try and fix things for him — never mind that it wasn’t the older man’s place. That Buck didn’t know if that was even what he wanted — for everything to go back to the way they always were. 

“I’m not ready to talk to you yet,” Buck admitted as gently as he could. 

“Buck,” it was an exasperated response. “It didn’t mean anything — I swear. It wasn’t what it looked like anyway — nothing happened. ”

Eddie stressed the words like they meant something — like he should be taken at his word — as if he hadn’t been lying to Buck’s face for weeks? Months? Buck didn’t know. Only knew Eddie had abandoned him to chase some spectre of his dead wife. 

A woman who’d left him twice in her lifetime.

Buck knew it was an unfair thought. That Eddie had never quite recovered from the shock of going from a second time father, to future divorcee, to widower in a matter of days. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about her then?” 

It was a more direct question than Buck had meant to pose — had meant to get in and out as quickly as possible but it slipped out before he could stop it. 

“How could I?” Eddie shot back, growing irritated. “It was insane — how could I possibly explain it? I didn’t even understand what was happening — that’s what I was trying to figure out.”

Buck contemplated the words for a moment— how there was almost a complete lack of remorse — no apology. Just a desperate attempt to defend what he’d done. 

It stung to realise Eddie may not have thought it was worthy of one. That even if what he had said was true and nothing had happened — that he also didn’t understand how his lies had changed things anyway. 

“Okay,” Buck gave in — defeated — just wanting to get away. “I still — I think I still need some space.”

The other man’s jaw twitched, expression darkening, “Why? It had nothing to do with you, Buck. What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” Buck could feel the haze descending on him. His hands tingling as he started to lose sensation in them. Stumbling over his words even more than usual, “I don’t know — I just — I can’t stay here right now.”

“Dios,” Eddie spat out. Condescension dripping from every syllable “Of course you can’t — you’ve always got to have the bigger problem — have to make everything about you.”

“I wasn’t—” Buck tried to protest but wasn’t given the chance. 

“I’ve lost my fucking son—” Eddie advanced on him rapidly. Made Buck stumble back — forced him up against the wardrobe — eerily reminiscent of their argument when collecting Chris’s things.

The other man getting up in Buck’s face — shoving a finger in his face — as he continued, “—and you’re the one who gets to throw a pity party and run away? Fucking typical.”

“I thought you agreed it was the best thing for him,” Buck's words were unsure — hating the idea he’d made such a grave mistake. 

“What choice did I have when you’d already brought my sister here — ready to steal him away.”

“That wasn’t what I meant to do,” Buck’s voice sounded faint — even to himself. His head ringing, legs trembling beneath him — too heavy to try and make an escape. Body collapsing in on itself — desperate to prove that it wasn’t what he meant at all. 

Eddie finally backed off, huffing, “It doesn’t matter, though, does it. You’ve still lost me, my son.”

It took longer than Buck wanted to admit to calm the pounding of his heart. His hand trembling by his side as he took shaking breaths. He moved through the house in a daze as he gathered the last of his things. 

Finally glancing at his phone, on the way out, to see an unexpected text from Ravi. 

hey man — idk whats going on but eddie just raced out of here

kinda sounded like he was heading home to try and see you

thought you'd like the heads up

The message reached him too late, but Buck appreciated the gesture, nonetheless. Thankful that at least someone had tried to give him warning.

His and Eddie’s discussion having confirmed one of his worst fears. That the 118 had known he’d wanted space but hadn’t thought to respect those wishes. Had actively encouraged Eddie to ambush him.

It left him unmoored — confused. Doubly so with Eddie’s parting shots. 

He’d been so sure that he’d done the right thing for Chris. Couldn’t unsee the blank, numbness the boy had descended into — thought he’d been right to give him somewhere safe to unpack it all.

But he suddenly found himself questioning it. 

Knew that despite Adriana’s words,  he wasn’t actually Chris’s father — that it hadn’t been his choice to make. 

It left Buck deeply unsettled as he drove to his sister’s. Unsure where else to go — unable to justify another night in a hotel. The duffle bag on the passenger seat made him think of the last time he’d been in this position.

A part of him longing for the simplicity of being abandoned by Abby. Would have taken that over whatever was happening between him and Eddie, any day. 

He was a wreck by the time he made it to Maddie’s — blurted out the thought that had been plaguing him since Eddie had disappeared as soon as she opened the door. 

A desperate “Did I do the right thing sending Chris to his aunt’s?” escaping him. 

“Evan—” Maddie’s voice was gentle, “What happened?”

He didn’t get a chance to reply. A tiny missile of top-to-toe pink shooting towards him — attempting to knock his legs out from underneath him with an excited cry of, “Uncle Buck!”

Her excitement to see him, the feel of small arms wrapping around his hips — so similar to a pair that had lengthened dramatically since they’d first met — sent Buck over the edge. 

Made him let out a deep, shuddering sob. Tears streaming down his face before he could stop them. He felt Jee tense — a mirror image of her mother in front of him. 

“Uncle Buck?” It was softer this time — questioning and concerned. He felt immediately guilty for bringing Jee into his mess. 

Forced himself to take a breath, reassuring her, “I’m okay. Uncle Buck’s just had a very long day.”

He could see Maddie didn’t buy his reassurances. Didn’t expect her to — the words mean to comfort a child. Buck wasn’t even sure it did that. The girl continuing to cling to him as he followed his sister into the house. 

“Jee — sweetheart — why don’t you go and pick some toys to take to Halmi Lee’s, okay? Mumma just needs to talk to Uncle Buck.”

He could see the girl was reluctant, could sense something was off — children always could — Buck refused to let her worry. 

Insisted, “I’m okay — why don’t you show me what you’re taking when you’ve decided.”

She stared at him for a moment — unnervingly assessing for a three-year-old before nodding to herself with a deeply serious expression. Buck just about held it together until she’d disappeared into her bedroom. 

“Oh, Evan,” Maddie wrapped her arms around him, guiding him to the sofa. Rubbing soothing circles on his back as Buck tried to stem his tears.

Was reminded of the many times they’d done this before. Things somewhat more awkward for the way he no longer fit neatly into her side. 

“Howie told me what happened,” she said softly, “I don’t know how he could have done it.”

It was a relief to finally not have someone bail Eddie out. To understand Buck’s bewilderment.

“I don’t know,” Buck confessed, “I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to do.”

She hummed for a moment, understanding, but waited for Buck to continue explaining. 

“And I think I’ve made everything worse, anyway. He was at the house when I went to pick up my things — he blames me for sending Chris away. Said I lost him his son.” 

“You haven’t,” Maddie insisted. “You love that kid — you wouldn’t have wanted him to go if he didn’t need to.” 

Buck knew it was the truth, but Eddie had rattled him. 

“What if he didn’t, though — what if I’ve just made everything worse. As usual. I didn’t think about Eddie when I called his sister — didn’t think about what I was taking from him.”

The words were a jumble, but Maddie somehow understood them anyway. Well versed in talking people through crisis. 

“You weren’t trying to take him, though, were you?”

“No—”

She cut him off before Buck could explain exactly what he’d done, “No — I know you Evan. You weren’t trying to take him — you were trying to save him. I know you were.”

“But what if I haven’t — what if I’ve ruined everything.”

“You haven’t,” she insisted. “What was Chris supposed to do? Stick around to watch his parents hash things out? No. I know you’re hurting right now Ev — but I know you did the right thing for him. Eddie will see that eventually and you’ll be able to work things out.”

“What?” 

It was a shock to him. Her causal belief they’d go back to the way things were. As if something hadn’t shifted fundamentally. 

Maddie sighed gently at his confused tone. Explaining, “I know that it sucks right now. I can’t even imagine — but you guys have been through so much together — don’t let this break you.”

It was the same thing Hen had said. The words leaving him off balance. The idea that none of them seemed to realise that they were already broken.

That Eddie had taken a battering ram to whatever they had carefully constructed. 

Left Buck to desperately assess how bad the damage had been. Didn’t yet know what was but hidden away but feared the softness underfoot meant that it was profound.

That it wasn’t just surface level damages — that something in their foundations had been shattered. 

He didn’t know how no one else seemed to realise it. 

“Mads — this — it isn’t — it’s not that simple,” he stumbled through his explanation. 

“I know,” she reassured, “But think about everything else you guys have been through. Hell — look at me and Howie. We survived me leaving — almost ruining everything. You’ll be okay — if you want to be.”

Buck didn’t know how to explain that it was different. That even though Maddie had felt like her leaving was selfish — that she still held some deep seated guilt over it — it had ultimately been a selfless act. 

That all she’d wanted to do was get better for her daughter. That it had all been out of her control anyway — at least until she’d made the choice to get help. 

He knew that wasn’t the case for Eddie. That while he knew the other man still grieved Shannon — likely always would — he’d been thinking of only himself when he started things with Kim.

That he could have never considered Chris because he would have stopped in an instant. 

The thought haunted him — that what Eddie had done was entirely selfish. That Buck wasn’t sure if he could forgive him for it. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted — defeated. The conversation draining him more by the moment, “I don’t know what I want.”

Maddie nodded along as he spoke. Sighing as she replied, “And that’s okay — you don’t have to make any decisions, right now. You can stay here while you figure it all out. I just don’t want you to do something drastic.”

Buck didn’t know how to explain that the moment of impulsivity had long since passed. Lost to the responsibility of helping Chris. 

The wound instead left to bleed sluggishly — the initial pain warping. Not lessening in intensity but changing shape — becoming a deep ache. One that Buck didn’t know he could learn to live with.

“Okay,” Buck gave in — felt it wasn’t worth the battle of trying to explain it all. 

Maddie seemed to realise he still didn’t entirely agree. Continued on, forcing her point, “I just don’t think you should give up unless you’re 100% sure.”

Maddie’s house seemed to echo when she left him there for her shift.

She'd taken Jee to drop off at the Lee’s — he had offered to take the girl, felt he should if he was going to be staying in their house — but Maddie had waved him off. Told him to take some time to think things through — Jee entirely too excited about a sleepover with her surrogate grandparents anyway. 

Maddie’s departure left him in an empty house. She and Chimney always tried to overlap their shifts — wanting to spend as much of their off-time together as possible.

It made him think of how little time he and Eddie had spent together recently. 

How Buck had felt like he’d been going mad for weeks. How restless he’d been — how poorly he’d slept for months now.

The fact everything had felt wrong, but he hadn’t been able to figure out why — could only try and convince himself it was jealousy. 

In a way it was true — Buck just hadn’t known how worried he should have been. 

The thought haunted him obsessively — kept him from sleep — once again. The reminder of Maddie’s now perfect life all around him. Everything he thought he’d had that had been a lie. 

He hadn’t wanted to think about it, until now.

Hadn’t wanted to prod around to discover how deep the wound was. Hadn’t wanted to analyse every moment to try and figure out when it had all begun. When everything had started to fall apart. 

Maddie’s talk of not giving up had set his teeth on edge. Made Buck think of all the battles he’d fought to keep their relationship alive. Something about it felt different this time — almost insurmountable. 

The memory of Chris’s devastation tormented him. The fact it wasn’t just Buck who’d been betrayed — that Eddie had done it to his son too. Intentional or not, Buck didn’t know how to forgive it. 

Had thought Chris was the one line that Eddie would never cross. The man so determined to be a good father — the fact he’d let even that fall to the wayside forced Buck to face the truth. 

It was different this time.

Worse.

And despite everyone trying to tell him things would be okay — that they’d work through it — Buck still didn’t know the full extent of what they were supposed to work through.

Didn’t know the extent of Eddie’s betrayal. 

He hadn’t known if he wanted those details at first. Something about it making it all too real — he needed them now — needed to know how long Eddie had played him for the fool. 

He didn’t want to ask the other man. Didn’t know if he trusted him not to try and down play the truth. Didn’t want to start up the channel of communication anyway — content to remain radio silent for the time being. 

Still, he was desperate to know. Could think of only one other way of finding out.

He rewrote the message four times before actually sending it. Holding his breath as he made his choice. 

Hey Tommy,

Not really sure how to ask - so just going to come out with it.

When was the last time you and Eddie met up?

Don't want to get into it but I think he’s been lying to me.

Buck had been thrilled when Eddie first started hanging out with Tommy.

Had hoped the older man would be grounding for him. Tommy having hesitantly revealed himself after Buck had accidentally let a pet name slip when they saved Bobby from his sinking cruise ship. 

Eddie had gone stiff the way he always did when Buck accidentally showed affection in front of the wrong person — but Tommy’s smile had been warm. Reassuring. Had immediately let Buck know he was in likeminded company.

It had been surreal to have that quiet moment of connection in the midst of an international maritime rescue operation — but Buck had been relieved. 

After a round of celebratory drinks — at some bar that sold pretentious IPAs Tommy and Eddie both raved about, and that Buck privately thought tasted no different to normal beer — their friendship had been cemented. 

Their similarities drawing them ever closer. Buck had been more than happy to sacrifice Eddie for a few hours a week to avoid the MMA matches that made him faintly queasy.

He was fine with blood and gore in an emergency but somehow about seeing it in entertainment always made him sick.

It was something Eddie had always enjoyed teasing him for — so Buck had been more than happy to send him on his way. To let Tommy tempt him with ring side seats and the thought of watching the fight without having to listen to Buck’s complaints. 

It was the way it had developed that had surprised Buck. At first filling him with hope — Eddie seeming to come alive the more time he and the other man spent together. 

Buck had assumed it was meeting someone so like him — that shared so many of his hobbies —  and was gay but no less of a man. Buck had thought it might fix something in Eddie — had tentatively hoped it might make them more receptive of merging their lives.

It hadn’t happened. 

Eddie slowly growing more and more distant.

Finding more excuses to spend time with Tommy. At the time Buck had been so confused — so focused on his jealousy at whatever the two men were building that he’d never stopped to consider the whole thing had been a rouse.

The phone buzzing pulled Buck from his thoughts. Notifications bearing Tommy’s name filling the screen. 

Hey, Evan,

Not really sure what to say.

The last time I met up with Eddie was for Karaoke Trivia.

Back in March.

Assumed you both got busy and didn’t really think about it. 

You, okay?

It startled him slightly. Suddenly aware Tommy was the first person to actually ask how he was doing. Everyone else making broad assumptions. Encouraging to reconcile with Eddie without ever asking how he was feeling. 

Been better

Just… confused rn

You're sure you haven’t seen him since then?

Yeah.

The answer popped up immediately and Buck felt any remaining hope he’d had that it was all some massive misunderstanding vanish. Shatter — tearing apart whatever had been holding him together. 

Civility — the desire to keep their business quiet — dying with the realisation that Eddie had been lying to him for two months.

Had met up with his other woman who knew how many times because Buck had never thought to question things. 

Oh. 

He told me he was with you on Tuesday. 

Fixing up the engine of a camaro? 

He watched the bubbles come and go for a moment. Felt bad for bringing the other man into his mess. A reply finally popping up on the screen in front of him. 

Fuck. 

I’m so sorry, Evan.

I was working then.

No clue where he could have been. 

It was the answer Buck had feared but had known was coming. The certainty of it damning. 

He’s been seeing someone else. 

Buck finally admitted. Wasn’t sure why he told the other man but thought he almost deserved to know. Had been made an unwitting accomplice. 

A pause again, for a moment, and then more bubbles. 

I’m sorry. I had no idea. 

I wouldn’t have helped him. 

I didn’t think you would have. 

Still. I just wanted you to know.

I wouldn’t have done that to you. 

Or let him. 

I had no idea. 

It was a kind sentiment from a man he barely knew. Soothed something in Buck that someone seemed not to want to jump to Eddie’s defence. 

Truthfully seemed somewhat horrified to have been involved — however indirectly. 

Thanks. 

I don’t think anyone knew tho. 

So really — it’s not on you. 

I think you were just a convenient explanation for where he was. 

So I’m sorry too. 

Really — don’t be. 

Just… take care of yourself, okay?

Buck could tell it was the end of the conversation. Neither sure what else to say. Such a uniquely shitty situation there was no predetermined script for them to follow. 

He was surprised when his phone buzzed again but for an entirely different reason. Ravi’s name popping up on the screen. 

hey - really no worries if not

but i was wondering if we could get coffee

when i get off shift tmmr

Usually, it would have been impossible. Buck supposed to have been starting his 24-on with the A Shift finishing theirs — but Captain Stewart had been generous. Had texted to tell Buck to take a few extra days and that he’d sorted coverage for his shift already. 

Buck had been surprised by the gesture but appreciated it, nonetheless.

Found he had no excuse not to agree to Ravi’s request. Figured he owed the young man that much anyway. Having always been willing to bounce between shifts when Buck and Eddie’s lives had forced it. 

For the warning text too — never mind that it had come too late. It had been more than anyone else had done.

His hands shook as he sat across from Ravi. The hubbub of the cafe around them seemingly to grow impossibly louder — he forced himself to breathe through it. Ravi’s expression growing concerned at Buck’s uncharacteristic quiet. 

“Hey — if you don’t want to do this…” he trailed off, but the point was clear. 

“It’s okay,” Buck insisted, “What can I do for you?”

“It's not that,” Ravi looked awkward for a moment. Raced through his next words like he felt guilty about them, “I heard — around the firehouse — I heard what happened with Eddie. And I know — I know they’re all encouraging you to push through it but I wanted to give you another option.”

“What?”

“I wanted to give you one of my apartments.”

“What?” Buck repeated the question — eyes wide.

“Not — not like that. You’d rent it, obviously,” he laughed a little — an awkward kind of chuckle. Buck was so confused he couldn’t ask for clarification. Could only listen to Ravi awkwardly babble his way through an explanation. 

“You don’t even have to do that if you don’t want to. I have a spare room. You’re welcome to it — I’m hardly there, anyway — my girlfriend’s is closer to the station — but if you want somewhere to stay for a while that isn’t your sister's? Have at it.”

He seemed to have finally got everything he wanted out. Each word leaving Buck more confused than the last but oddly endeared.  

“Ravi,” he shook his head as he spoke, baffled. “Not that I don’t appreciate the offer, man, but why?” 

The younger man paused for a moment. Considered his words while trying to figure out how best to explain. 

“Have you ever heard of a glass child?”

It wasn’t what Buck had expected. He knew the term from many long sessions with Dr Copeland, but he didn’t understand why Ravi bought it up. Feigned ignorance and shook his head. 

“It’s — it’s the sibling of a child with chronic illnesses — ones who were overlooked because of everything else their parents had going on.”

The explanation floored Buck as much as the first time he’d heard it. Not his exact experience but he was familiar with feeling invisible all the same. 

Nodded along to encourage Ravi to keep going — needed to know where he was going. 

“You know I spent most of my childhood in the hospital. My sister — she suffered because of it. My parents tried — they really did — but I think perhaps it was inevitable. That is just all too much for people to take on.” 

Buck could hear guilt coating the words — knew Ravi blamed himself for it — but the younger man continued before Buck could try and assuage some of it. 

“She jumped at the first person who seemed to see her. Moved in with her boyfriend when she was freshly 18 and just seemed to disappear — even more than she had already. I’d just gone back into the hospital and in the chaos of it all… she just sort of got forgotten — yet again.”

Buck could feel his anxiety ratcheting. Memories of what had happened to his own older sister when he hadn’t been paying enough attention haunting him. He hated the idea that he and Ravi were linked that way. 

“Rav —” he tried to cut in, but the other man shook his head. 

Continued, “It wasn’t — it wasn’t physical — but it still wasn’t okay. If anything ever went wrong — it was her fault. Nothing she ever tried to do was good enough. He’d just made her into some kind of ghost — took any light out of her.

“It took me much longer than I want to admit to realise. To see the way she’d faded away — how hollow she was. Always waiting for the next argument — almost fearing when they'd stop arguing more. Knowing that if she didn’t appreciate whatever token of his apology he gave her — it would happen again.”

Buck could feel his breath catching in his throat. Something about Ravi’s words making him uncomfortable in a way he didn’t want to examine. 

“Even once she knew she wanted to leave, she couldn’t,” Ravi continued. “He’d wrapped her life up so completely in his, she felt trapped. Didn’t feel she had anywhere else to go.”

The words startled a protest out of Buck — couldn’t let him go on. Knew what Ravi was trying to say and had to desperately reassure him he was wrong. 

“Rav — it isn’t — it wasn’t like that.”

“Maybe,” Ravi placated, “Maybe not — but I swore to myself I’d always try and give people the out. It’s why I started with the apartments in the first place. I don’t need the money,” he admitted.

“There actually was some family money already.  I just — I wanted to help people the way I failed to help my sister. Most of them are leased to a few different non-profits who provide housing for people leaving abusive relationships.”

Buck’s head was spinning. With the offer —with the revelations Ravi seemed to be trying to spring on him. With the fact his friend apparently had enough money to rent out multiple apartment buildings for presumably nominal rents in Los Angeles.

“Why are earth are you always taking extra shifts, then?” The question slipped out before Buck could stop it — genuinely baffled. 

It startled a laugh out of the younger man — his face turning sheepish as he admitted, “Honestly — I think I might just be a workaholic.”

It had only taken a few days of stepping on Maddie and Chim’s toes to accept staying at their house wasn’t working. Buck still in too delicate a place to cope with their gently probing questions. 

The pair well-meaning but unsubtly encouraging him not to give up on Eddie just yet. Reminding him the other man was hurting and that Buck had to think of the bigger picture. 

It had done nothing but make Buck feel oddly trapped — made him think of his conversation with Ravi and how even though he wasn’t living with Eddie, the other man still had him cornered. 

He hadn’t realised how difficult it had been to breathe until he’d been staying at Ravi’s apartment for almost a week.

The other man hadn’t been lying when he said he was hardly there. More nights spent away that at home. 

It gave Buck plenty of time to himself when you considered their differing schedules and the girlfriend who Ravi refused to tell him anything about. 

He still found he enjoyed the off evenings they did spend together, though. An easiness to Ravi’s friendship — a lack of expectation. 

As the days ticked by Buck found that the tension in his chest — that he hadn’t even realised was there — lessened. Like he was finally able to catch his breath having been desperately treading water — just waiting for the next wave to drag him under.

Ravi’s quiet little apartment had been an unexpected life raft. 

It helped that everything else seemed simpler too. His shifts under Captain Steward reassuring Buck he could be a good firefighter without needing Eddie next to him or Bobby at the helm.

That he could get by on his own merit. 

The B Shift didn’t live on top of each other in quite the same way as the A shift, but they’d welcomed him with open arms all the same.

Never made Buck feel anything less than wanted — it was novel considering how often he’d felt like he needed to beg to be allowed at the table. 

Besides, he actually found he enjoyed the differing shift more than he’d expected. Enjoyed spending odd afternoon’s playing the fun uncle with Jee.

The girl lessening some of the sting of missing Chris. 

She could never replace him, of course — Buck loved them both in different ways — but he found just enjoying spending afternoons with her helped heal something in him.

Helped distract from the pain of what he was missing and stopped him from licking at the wound. Letting it rest enough to begin to scab over. 

Seeing the light slowly returning to Chris’s eyes whenever they FaceTimed helped too. Colour returning to his cheeks under his aunt's loving care.

It was relieving to see Chris coming back to himself.

To know that Buck had made the right decision. To see that he was no longer the blank slate he’d left at the airport — the boy’s spark returning to him as he half-jokingly complained about the therapist Adriana had wasted no time in finding for him. 

Buck knew it was for show — that the boy was grateful for it all. Could see it in the way he enjoyed doting on his younger cousins, helping his aunt wherever he could.

Buck half thought he could see him growing through the screen — watching him become a young man rather than the boy he’d first met. 

He’d been relieved when Adriana first mentioned the therapist. Hadn’t even thought of it in the chaos of her coming to collect Chris. It had been a weight off Buck’s shoulders to realise she’d sorted it anyway. 

To not have to be the be one on top of everything, To find — for once — that he’d let something slip through the cracks but someone else had caught it anyway.

He couldn’t remember the last time it had happened, but it reassured Buck that a summer with Adriana was the best possible thing for the boy. The road ahead of them still long but the path way at least visible. 

His new found friendship with Tommy helped too.

Unexpected and yet oddly comforting. He’d initially assumed that every time he saw the other man’s name that it would send him spiralling again.

It wasn’t the case. 

The older man’s hesitant message checking in had slowly morphed into a genuine understanding between the two of them. Both betrayed in some way — Tommy genuinely horrified to have been Eddie’s unwitting alibi. 

Buck found his slowly expanding social circle helped. Meant he wasn’t just begging for scraps of the A shifts attention. Belly fully between Ravi, Tommy, and how welcoming the B shift had been.

It was strange in a way — to be so settled in his new friendships — when everything else was stagnent. 

Buck still confused about it all. He knew he was hiding from making any serious decisions. Ignored the messages from Eddie that he didn’t know what to do with.

The pair of them in a kind of stalemate — Eddie too stubborn to ask Buck to come back and Buck too nervous of ruining things to completely cut things off. 

He tried not to think about it but found the thoughts hounding him more and more often. Was desperately trying to ignore them when he ran into her in the grocery store of all places.

“Buck.” He’d startled slightly when he heard his name.

A smile breaking out on his face as he turned, “Karen!”

He’d never admit it to either of them — but he’d nursed a small crush on Karen the first night they’d met. Slightly enamoured with the fact he’d met an actual rocket scientist.

He’d quashed it, of course.

Would never have dreamed of letting on — not that she’d have had any interest in him anyway — but seeing how perfect she and Hen were for each other had killed any lingering attraction. 

Instead, if left him with a slightly soft spot for the woman.

Constantly awed by her support of Hen. For her tolerance for the life of a first responder — how few people he’d met that were strong enough to actually survive it marking Karen as a god among men. 

They’d hugged awkwardly with their shopping baskets before she gave him a soft smile. 

“How are you doing, Buckaroo?”

Hen’s nickname from her lips made him chuckle but he didn’t know how to answer the question. 

Nodding half-heartedly as he replied, “I’m okay — I think?”

“Really?” 

There was something about her tone that broke the truth out of him. Something about the way she said the word that told Buck she knew he wasn’t sure whether or not he was lying. 

The realisation why made him shudder. The sudden awareness that of everyone, Karen knew what he’d been through best.

Had been through it herself.

That for all that she and Hen were perfect for each other — Hen had still made that mistake.

“I don’t know,” Buck admitted, “I just don’t know what to do about everything.”

It was an awkward conversation to have in the baking aisle. Karen, instead, insisting he come back to the house with her. He’d hesitantly explained everything as she’d made coffee for them both. 

The way he and Chris had found out. The fact Eddie blamed him for sending Chris away. The fact it had been going on for almost two months without Buck realising. 

She’d hummed lightly into her mug for a moment when he’d run out of things to say. Weighed her words before speaking, “When Hen told me what happened with Eva, I honestly thought it was some kind of sick joke. I just — I couldn’t understand how she did it. It took me a really long time to realise I’ll probably never understand it — not really.”

“Yeah,” Buck sighed, “I just can’t imagine doing it to him. Nothing could have made me do it.”

“Exactly,” Karen agreed softly. The pair of them sitting in their quiet, shared understanding. 

“I don’t regret staying with her,” Karen finally broke the silence, gesturing around the house as she spoke, “This — it was all worth it — but it took a lot of work. And Buck, sweetheart, what he did is so different to what Hen did.”

“I know,” Buck admitted, defeated. Desperately searching for the words to express how he was feeling — honestly wasn’t sure what he was, “I just — it’s not that simple. Surely, I should want to save us — to fight for us. You did?”

“I know,” Karen agreed, “and I don’t really know what to tell you. It hurt — unbelievably so — but it was a one-time thing. A mistake — something she’ll always regret — but it was different somehow.” 

Buck knew it was the truth, but didn’t want to admit it, so let Karen continue, “It tested us — really made me question things — but at the end of the day we had something to fall back on. Not just Denny but something between us that kept us tethered. It took a few beatings but ultimately—” the woman shrugged, “I just couldn't bring myself to give it up.”

He mulled over her words for a long moment. Really considered what she said about something keeping them joined — questioned whether he and Eddie had ever really had that and found himself drawing short. 

Just memory after memory of Buck desperately clinging. Making himself the buoy that would keep their relationship afloat — forever fighting their way back to the surface. Eddie a dead weight — dragging them down. 

He’d never dared let Eddie try and be their life ring. Had known, somehow, it would be the end of them.

That he wouldn’t have fought the way Buck had so many times — desperately thrashing against the waves. 

After all, Eddie had always had one foot out the door — or rather had been waiting to shove Buck out into the cold at the slightest provocation. Never fully settling into their relationship the way Buck had hoped — had tried to convince himself they had.

Averting his eyes away from the cracks in the foundations. 

He didn’t know when it had become so hard. Almost thought that it always had been — a constant struggle. 

He didn’t think he had it in him to fight anymore. 

The realisation should have hurt more than it did. At least Buck thought so — the acceptance instead feeling oddly like relief. 

There were still things to figure out — parts of him that were unsettled — but it mainly felt like Buck had felt like had let out the last bit of air trapped in his lungs.

The screaming of his chest finally going quiet. 

He had wanted to think his conversation with Karen had left him confused. Had thrown things into chaos — but truthfully — it had done the opposite. 

Had forced Buck to realise there was only one choice left for him — had been the whole time — Eddie having backed him into a corner with only one escape route.

His knee twitched as he waited for the call to connect. Didn’t quite know what he was going to say but knew that he had to say something. That Chris was owed that much. 

Finally, the boy’s face appeared on the screen in front of him, “Buck?”

He sounded confused — Buck usually waited for the boy to call him. Knew that he’d gone to Texas for space and was determined to give it to him.

He’d been rewarded with regular calls, but Chris knew it was unusual for him to be the one to reach out.

“Hey,” he tried to keep his tone neutral but could see concern on Chris’s face, anyway. He tried to distract him with meaningless conversation, “How’s Texas?”

“Hot” the boy complained, “Like way more than LA — I don't remember it being this bad.”

Buck chuckled at his disbelief, “Well, do remember anything from El Paso? You were really little when you left.”

“Not really,” Chris admitted, “I don’t really remember much before we moved.”

“Not surprising,” Buck reassured, “But everything else is okay? You’re having a good time? You’re being good for your Aunt?”

“Yes, Dad,” Chris rolled his eyes as he said it. His tone growing more sincere as he continued, “It’s nice. I like helping with Lucie and Isa — even if Isa basically only cares about Tia Adriana right now. She even screams when Tio Mateo holds her.”

“Good,” Buck nodded along to the boy’s story. Loved seeing how he was flourishing in the roll of older cousin — felt faintly guilty for the fact he wouldn’t be able to give him any more than that. 

Had secretly always dreamed of making Chris an older brother — it wasn’t going to happen anymore. 

The thought reminding him of why he had called. Chris’s brows furrowed as he sensed Buck’s change in mood from half a country away. 

“Buck?” his voice was unsure, questioning, Buck hated it.

“We’ve gotta talk about when you get back, bud.”

He saw the way Chris physically shut down at the suggestion. Withdrew into himself — a shadow of the boy he’d been moments before. A clear sign he wasn’t ready to come home — Buck rushed to rectify the situation.

“Not like that,” he insisted, “You can stay with your Aunt as long as you like.”

“Okay…” it was hesitant. 

“I just — things will be different when you get back,” Buck tried to explain. The words stilted as he struggled to put it into words. 

He saw Chris’s barely contained eye roll through the camera. Was relieved they seemed to be on comfortable enough footing for the subtle display of attitude.

“I just meant — I can’t get back together with your Dad and I don’t know exactly what that means, but I just wanted you to know it has nothing to do with you, okay.”

He could see Chris contemplating his words — wished he could wrap him in his arms to comfort him. Needed him to know it wasn’t a decision Buck had made lightly. 

“I’m still your Buck, okay? If you need me — I will be there in a second. I’m not going anywhere — I’ll work that out with your Dad — but things will be different when you come home. 

Chris was silent for a few moments — Buck’s heart beating wildly in his chest, he heard every beat. 

“Okay,” Chris sounded carefully neutral. His voice controlled as he tried to hold back his emotions, “I know you’ll stay Buck — you always have — but Dad… he didn’t just hurt me. He hurt you too."

The boy’s voice finally broke as they discussed the heart of the matter. “You shouldn’t stay with someone who’s hurting you.”

Tears fell down both their faces at his words and Buck tried desperately to mend the hurt. 

“Your Dad never would have wanted to hurt you okay. He’ll try every day to fix it — it will get better.” Buck had to believe it, “I just need to focus on getting myself better too.”

It had been an emotional phone call, but Buck felt lighter for it. Reassured that Chris knew he had no intention of abandoning him. That in some way the boy understood why Buck couldn’t stay with Eddie. 

That he’d never be able to fully trust the other man again — not completely.

He hadn’t said it in such explicit terms, of course. Knew that wasn’t Chris’s burden to bear — that he had to keep the heavy details from him — but that the boy was still owed some pared down version of the truth. 

It was just the first of many conversations that Buck could no longer put off — truthfully didn’t want to. Some part of him ready to move on.

He knocked on the door hesitantly — prayed he hadn’t timed his visit badly — his heart rate skyrocketing at the sound of footsteps. 

“Buck,” Bobby’s voice was full of surprise as he opened the door — his eyes widening in shock. 

“Hey Bobby,” he sounded sheepish even to his own ears. “You got a minute?”

It was a relief the way the man’s expression softened. Nodded as he stepped aside, inviting Buck in with a simple, “Of course — it’s good to see you.”

The words stung a little. Reminded Buck of everything Bobby had done for him over the years — how he’d definitely deserved better than what Buck had given him over the past few weeks. 

“Yeah — it’s good to see you too.”

It was awkward for a moment. Buck unsure where to begin, Bobby beat him to it. 

“How have you been, Buck?”

“I’ve been… better,” Buck admitted. “But I’m getting there — I think.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you about the shift switch myself.” 

It had been haunting him. The knowledge that he couldn’t have even paid Bobby the respect of asking him directly. Didn’t know how to explain that it just felt easier to go to Captain Stewart — safer somehow through the distance. 

“It’s okay,” Bobby soothed him, of course, “I’m glad you did it — if it’s working for you? Stewart certainly sings your praises.”

“It’s been — good,” Buck admitted. Pleased with the knowledge his new Captain appreciated his work. “Different — but good. That’s why I’m here, actually.”

“Oh?”

“I think I want to switch permanently — or at least long term. I like working with them and… I’m just not ready yet,” he confessed quietly. 

Surprised by Bobby smiling softly, agreeing with an easy, “Of course — I’m glad it’s working out for you.”

“Yeah?” Buck couldn’t help but cut in — questioning. 

“Yes,” the older man reaffirmed. “If this is what you need, then of course I want that for you, Buck. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“It was?” the words made Buck’s eyes water, but he blanked back his tears. 

“Yes,” Bobby repeated — his tone exasperated but warm “And I’m sorry if that isn’t with A Shift but I would never begrudge you finding somewhere you fit. And I’m so proud of you for doing it — especially now — in these circumstances.”

“I’m leaving Eddie,” Buck confessed, the words escaping them before he could stop them. Bobby’s words filling him with a warmth that encouraged the confession. 

The other man took it in his stride, replying "I had — I had hoped you two may work it out."

Buck's heart stuttered for a moment — didn't want to know that Bobby disagreed with his choice — but the older man forged on.

"But I think it's for the best now — that you've decided against it. You look better than you have in months, Buck — since even before all this — like a weight's been lifted off your shoulders."

"I do?" Buck's whispered. Not quite daring to believe that the difference he felt mentally was so outwardly visible. 

"Yeah — kid — I'm just — I'm sorry I didn't notice it before."

He left Bobby’s house reassured.

He hadn't needed the older man's approval — had already been certain of what he was going to do — but Bobby’s words encouraged him to get it over and done with. 

Stopped him dragging the things out any further — not because he wasn’t sure of his decision but because he feared its effects. Bobby’s conviction that Buck was doing the right thing encouraged him forward.

Let Buck weigh his options and settle on asking Eddie to meet at a coffee shop not far from the station. 

He knew he probably should have met at the house — kept their business private — but he wanted neutral territory. 

The house very firmly in Eddie’s.

Always had been if Buck thought about — had only ever been allowed to feel like a guest.

Besides, it wasn’t as if there was anything at the house left for him to collect.

His meagre belongings filling the chest of draws at Ravi’s apartment. He dreaded the thought of having to furnish a whole new place but knew it was inevitable. 

He’d shown up twenty minutes early to their meeting. Downed half his coffee fast enough to make his stomach ache with it — though he supposed that could have been nerves too.

His eyes jumping to the door every time it opened. 

His breath caught when Eddie finally arrived — five minutes late — though Buck was just relieved he’d come.

He looked worse than Buck had ever seen him. His hair hanging limp around his eyes — he looked almost hollow. The weight of missing Chris dragging on him. 

His voice was gruff as he approached the table, grunting, “Buck,” as he sat down. 

“Hey, Eddie,” it was the first time he’d talked to the other man in weeks — text to meet aside.

The only other time they’d spent so long apart had been when Buck had sued the department — Eddie’s demeanour vaguely reminding him of that time. It left Buck feeling as though he’d been the one to do something wrong. 

Found himself thanking the other man for his presence without thinking about it. Just wanted to fill the awkward silence between them. 

“Didn’t have much choice,” Eddie replied, voice full of resent, “Not like you’ve bothered talking to me in days.”

“I know,” Buck admitted, “but I needed time.”

“Of course, you did,” Eddie was unsympathetic. Mocking. “Never thought to check in on anyone else, though — did you? It's always about what you need, after all. What you want.”

The words irritated something within him. Their sentiment was nothing new — Eddie had always let Buck know exactly how much he was overreacting. How he was making things about himself. 

Eddie continued on, “Damn what anyone else is going through, right? Got to make sure poor little Bucky isn't hurting. Always got to make things about yourself."

He couldn’t bite his tongue any longer. 

Shot back, “Actually, yeah, Eddie — exactly that. I do get to make this about me. You cheated on me.” 

“It didn’t mean anything,” he tried to insist — didn’t seem to understand the point that Buck was making. 

“To you — maybe. But it meant something to me—” Buck tried not to let his voice get too loud. Desperate to make Eddie see his perspective, “—that my boyfriend had been sneaking around with some relic of his dead wife for two months. That he brought her to our home. That he let our son see her?” 

He took a breath, admitted, quieter this time, “I can’t come back from that Eddie.”

“So what?” the other man asked, condescending, “You’re just giving up — you’re going to abandon us.”

Buck forced himself to take another breath. Not to rise to the bait but not to give in either. 

Correcting, “No — I will never abandon Chris — but I can’t do this anymore. Not after this.”

The words finally got through to Eddie — the knowledge that Buck wasn't going to discard Chris — his shoulders slumping, his voice dipped to a whisper — and as terrible as it sounded, Buck was relieved he had accepted defeat.

Knew the other man wasn’t opposed to making a scene in public and had feared the possibility. 

“Well, what do I do now then,” the other man admitted, bewildered. 

“I don’t know,” Buck confessed, “Work on yourself? Start seeing Frank again. Try to fix things with Chris. I don’t know. Maybe one day you’ll be ready for another relationship — but it won’t be with me — I’m sorry.”

He’d taken his leave then. Left the other man to sort through their discussion. Instead, stepped out into the sunlight and had taken a breath. The tension that had built in his body seeping out now it was all over.

Now that he’d put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. 

He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or cry.

Half relieved, half devastated — he hadn’t thought it would be so unbalancing. Had assumed his resoluteness — the determination that it was the right thing to do — would have stopped him from feeling the heartbreak of it all. 

But it wasn’t the case. Even knowing it was the right choice hadn’t dulled the pain — instead just left him with a swirl of rioting emotions.

That last bit of hope dying — knowing that he was never going back. 

He’d taken his phone out before he’d even realised what he was doing. Found himself ringing a number than he had weeks ago. His hands steady as he waited for them to pick up. 

The same receptionist's voice greeting him, “Hello — Doctor Copeland’s office. How can I help you?”

“Hi,” Buck’s voice was even — sure. “It’s Evan Buckley — I was hoping to get an appointment.”