Chapter Text
Stephen Colbert stood at the end of the marina's dock, the corners of his suit jacket flapping slightly in the ocean breeze. The sun was rising, its radiant beams wafting over Colbert and the land he so dearly loved: America.
It irked him to no end to know that the same sun shone brightly over the rest of the world before it got to the great country of his forefathers. Was it too much to ask for the opposing hemisphere to remain in darkness? It almost enraged him, now that he thought about it. His blood began to churn, and his face grew red state red at the thought of those liberal Europeans and all the other freedom-haters out there soaking up the American people's sunshine. "If only I were Storm. Then I could send clouds to blot out their skies and that'd teach them," he said wistfully.
A giant hand clapped down on his shoulder. "Word on the docks is you're looking for a boat, Mr. Colbert."
Stephen turned to face the arm, and the shoulders, and the person attached to the hand that was on his shoulder. The man was giantesque, with white hair and a wild look in his eyes, much like Wolf Blitzer caught off guard with actual news, if Wolf Blitzer were the size of that Hagrid guy from those demonic children's books about wizards walking around naked with horses.
Colbert shrugged and let the hand slide off his shoulder. "It's Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.," he said, enunciating the silent t in Colbert. "And yes, I am looking for a boat. Have you got one?"
"Depends on what you need it for."
"Truth, justice, and the American way, of course. Will you sail me to the ends of the earth for that noblest of goals?"
The man raised an eyebrow. "How much does truth, justice and the American way pay?"
Colbert smiled. "A capitalist. I like that, but I'm going to have to ask you to do this pro bono."
"I don't do any of that Broken Mountain crap. I'm a captain, not a sailor," the man said. He started to walk away. It was at this point that Colbert noticed his peg leg.
"What happened to your leg? Vietnam?"
The sea captain turned and shook his head. "Bear."
A grimace of horror struck Colbert's face. "Those godless killing machines." He paused for a second, almost as though he was actually thinking. In reality, his heart was moved by the sea captain's daring tale of fighting off the violent, angry grizzly with naught but a stick and a roll of scotch tape, like MacGuyver(or at least that's how Colbert imagined the tale went). "Sir, I'll pay you to take me out on your boat."
"I'll fetch her! Come on, Colbert, there's jibs to be boomed!"
"Hey, I don't do any of that Broken Mounties crap either!" Colbert said, but he followed after the hobbling sailor nonetheless.