Chapter Text
“…Siffrin?”
Siffrin hummed in acknowledgement, eyes still glued to the sunrise. The mild warmth on his face was nice, as was the reminder that this loop- this DAY was different.
“Can we talk?” Mira asked, approaching slowly and putting a hand out towards their forehead. They moved forward to meet her touch, absently wondering if the sun’s warmth would make it seem like they still had a fever. Would that be a reason not to talk?
There was a pleasant fuzziness of exhaustion all about their brain. Did they feel like this with alcohol? Maybe? Didn't really matter. It was nice, almost euphoric, to have nothing to panic over anymore. Like. Like letting go.
Letting go should have scared them, but her cool hand on his forehead just banished the fear. For now. It would be back later, but…
It was fine. Actually fine.
They felt their eye well up with tears.
“Oh, Siffrin. We don't have to talk if-”
“These are happy tears, we can talk.”
“You do still feel a bit warm-”
Siffrin laughed, memories of countless failed confessions overlaying on the scene. In hindsight it was funny, was their whole family this good at finding excuses?
“I want to talk with you, Mira. Always.” The smile came so easily, how had it been this hard to fake it? He loved all of them so much it was harder not to smile.
“Unless you're eating food.” Mira said with one of her own kind smiles. “Pretty sure your hunger wins out over-”
[. . .]
[you dreamt you were eating your fr-]
The cold gripped tightly like a familiar, terrible hug. Breathing was harder to keep regulated. Their stomach revolted, which was common, but what wasn't was the food in their stomach.
Where had the calm gone? Why was she looking like that? What were his lines? Was his stomach-
No! No he didn't want to loop! No! The! The plum smell wasn't the same it couldn't be covering up a sweet smell! They clung to it even as the world of sight and touch and sound crumbled around him.
Slowly, slowly, they started regulating their breathing in an effort to breathe in more of the nice smell of plum soap. Mira. Mira. Mirabelle.
“Mira.” Voicing it brought a rush of the other senses back all at once. Too fast, like crashing into a wall. Or being crushed by a ro-
“NEED SPACE!” They yelled out, pushing roughly away from their family, all of whom had been touching him. Comforting him. Just like he'd tried with-
Siffrin’s breath hitched upon locking eyes with Bonnie, who'd been pushed to the floor. Bonnie, who hated them. Bonbon, who he'd let d-
Taking in a sharp breath, Siffrin tightly hugged himself and sobbed. They sobbed louder than they ever had in any loop. Or maybe ever.
The others stayed quiet, all he could make out between sobs were some shuffling and small words of reassurance between them. Then, they approached.
Odile’s distinct footsteps were first. She sat next to him. Close enough to reach but far enough not to touch.
Smart, they thought warmly. Who better to give space than the one who reserved touch for-
Gripping him by the collar.
“No.”
Pulling them into the air.
“No…”
Attacking him with a craft-
“. . .I'm sorry. . .” They whispered weakly. “Don't. Please don't hate me. Please don't hurt m-”
“Oh gems! Siffrin- we would never-”
Siffrin turned towards her, met her gaze, too quick. He just wanted to know she meant it, but her guilt-stricken face told him he'd messed that up.
It only took a short pause for her to compose herself, returning to a gentle, honest look. “Never again, Siffrin. I promise.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I thought you were Siffrin.”
Siffrin blinked. He saw his family blink. Did that really.
“This is why I let you kids make the jokes.” she said, rolling her eyes.
“MADAME ODILE MADE A DAD JOKE!?”
“More like a grandma joke!”
“HAH!!”
Siffrin joined Isa in laughing uproariously, the laughter soon infecting the others. The utter absurdity of it all was refreshing. The familiarity of it was beautiful.
“I love you all.” Siffrin found themself saying aloud.
“We know.” Mira said.
“Can we hug you now?” Bonnie asked.
“Please, but gently?”
Odile ruffled his hair as the others came to give another group hug. A group hug that was absolutely nothing like a crushing rock.
…
“Hey, Siffrin?”
“Oh, hey Mira. Sorry about-”
“Oh change, Siffrin, do we need to bring back the swear jar but for ‘sorry’?”
Siffrin grinned.
Mira’s expression dropped.
“But Mira~”
“-nevermind-”
“How will I change if I give it all away?”
“Ugh, a classic. And still bad.”
“Huh?”
“That was one of the first puns I heard you make. And then Isa joined in and it was all downhill from there!”
“HAH!” Siffrin had almost forgotten that. They and Isa had worked together to make so many puns about that jar that Mira “forgot” it in an inn once. Conveniently after having emptied it.
“You know… you were so quiet at first. But you and Isa really hit it off after those puns started.” Mira smiled gently, looking down. “And I never did thank you for that.”
“Thank me… for my puns?” Siffrin pinched their arm. Odile making a joke was one thing, but THIS?
“No.” Mira said with a playful glare that softened to sincerity, “no, I never thanked you for taking some of the burden off of Isa.”
“What?”
“He's always been a source of joy and strength, but in hindsight we all relied on him a lot. Constantly. He had to keep the mood up all the time with encouragement and acting like a ditz. But then you came along and made those stupid puns.”
“Brilliant puns.”
“And the dynamic changed. He provided encouragement, but you two tag teamed the goofs. You gave him support that I couldn't, so. Thank you.”
“For the puns.”
She glared.
Siffrin opened their mouth to apologize.
“Yes, thank you for the puns.”
They smiled. That's right, other loops she'd actually asked for jokes to help calm down. It was obvious she liked them and it brought up the mood, but that had helped Isa?
His face was warm. In a good way.
“So um.” Siffrin started, “What did you want to talk about earlier?”
Mira looked away, “I, well, before that, can I ask what I did wrong?”
“Wrong?”
“Did I say something that triggered a panic attack?”
“Uh…” They tried to think back, but it was a bit of a blur. “I don't remember.”
“It's been eating at me, I made a reference t-”
“Oh, it was eating! A recurring nightmare I had was. Um…” was it weird to admit? Would it scare her?
“Food related?”
“No. Eating you all. Gross, I know-”
“Sounds like a dream’s weird way of saying you didn't want to let us go. In an unhealthy way.”
They hummed, looking down.
“Which is fixed now. But if you want me to avoid talking about it-”
“No, I think I'm alright now. There's still a lot of things that might make me scared, I'll try to warn you.”
“What about ‘ding’?”
“What?”
“Like as a code word. You say ding because it. Because it rings a bell. And then we can all make silly noise and know to change the subject.”
Siffrin thought of the bell and smiled.
“I like it.”
“Good! Then um. Would you mind. If I talked to you about something heavier? And if you say ding we can talk later?”
“Sure!”
“Siffrin, be honest if you're not in a good headspace.”
“Well. I'm not in a bad one.”
“You're sure?”
They nodded.
“Alright.” Mira took in a deep breath. Then let it out. Then another.
Then a few more.
Siffrin waited.
“I'm still upset about what you said.”
Oh.
“You said it wasn't what you'd meant. But I think. I think you did.”
Siffrin closed his eye but quickly opened it again. He couldn't close down over this.
“I think you were hurting. All alone on those loops, never getting to love Isa the way you want-”
“DING!”
“Wh-”
“D.. ding.” Siffrin shook their head. “Breathe?”
In and out. They breathed in sync. The visual of Isa, so close, of pulling him in. Of being pushed away. It hurt. But breathing helped.
Phewwww
“You can keep going.”
“Are you- okay, I trust you.”
Siffrin smiled shakily.
“I think you were hurting all alone, forced to keep doing something that hurt you. And you saw me, trying to figure out which painful fate I wanted.”
“Y-you shouldn't have to. Is what I meant-”
“I know. But you weren't angry with me, were you?”
“What?” They felt her hands cup theirs.
“You were angry at the situation we were both in, weren't you?”
Siffrin paused, thinking on it. Thinking back to that moment was a blur of anguish and panic, but she made a good point. Her resigning herself to becoming bonded was…
“No.”
“What?”
“I was mad at you. Because you were refusing to see that you deserved better. I was doing all this for you all and you- you were thinking my family member deserved to live a life of pain after everything she'd done for the country, for her family, for me…”
“Siffrin… hey.”
They raised their eye to see her. Really see her.
“You worded it terribly. And it hurt.”
“I'm sorry, still. I will never say something so hurtful again.”
“Thank you.”
It wasn't forgiveness, maybe that was still too early, but it was nice. They hadn't needed to spoil anything, and based on her plans to talk with the head housemaiden soon, she found her way to a good path.
It was freeing, in a way. For so long he'd thought that he had to do everything perfect before busting out of the loop or else they'd all lose out on something. But his family would grow and change, like warm sunrises, regardless of him.
To be wanted, but not needed.
Ah, she took her hands back to scratch an itch.
“Can I tell the others about the ‘Ding’ idea?”
“Oh! Sure!” Siffrin blinked, having almost forgotten about it.
“Perfect, you should stay and get some more rest. I'll get Odile to keep you company if you'd like.”
“Isa off training Bonnie some more?”
“Yes, though I'm not sure how to feel about that. I have to believe our next adventure won't necessitate fighting.”
“Nah, they just want to be your bodyguards, keep your fans from trampling each other to get to you!”
“Heehee!”