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He was not supposed to be here.
He was not supposed to be here, why was he here?
They had done everything right, at least he thought so. He tried to check and double check to make sure the problem was solved, that they were sealed away in the silver tree. The torment would be over, he’d ensure the safety of so many cookies, including those who he held most dear to him.
So then, why was he here?
It had started that morning. Pure Vanilla’s day yesterday was full of post-battle rituals of his and celebrations that the others urged him into once they had sealed the Beasts away. He didn’t have any true room to think, but he didn’t entirely mind it. By the end of the day, he easily drifted into a dreamless sleep. He supposed that was what led to this only happening now.
As Pure Vanilla Cookie pulled himself out of bed, he heard it. That awfully familiar laughter—a conniving, sickly teasing sound. It grated against his ears, and he covered them with his hands as if it’d do a thing. His breathing picked up. He couldn’t be back. Please, please. It was terrible, he could feel everything again. The despair, the distress, the feeling of being deceived.
But it only happened once, and his shoulders lowered, releasing the tension. It must’ve been his imagination. Just his imagination. He repeated it in his head like a mantra—he could believe that, right? It only happened once and not again. Plus, the events were so fresh in his mind... That made sense, didn’t it?
As if sense had much of a meaning when he wormed his way in-
No, no, he pulled himself out of that. He couldn’t be thinking that way. Pure Vanilla should put this all behind him, he should show that he’s truly overcome the situation and continue to help other cookies like he always would. He walked over to his mirror—only to fix up his appearance after changing into his formal outfit—and that was when he saw it, thanks to his staff.
Those mismatched blue eyes peeked over his shoulder, and he froze. His breathing shuddered, his shoulders raised, his mind swam as if being physically drowned by the feeling of panic. All the while, he stood behind, grinning widely. That terrifying, stupid grin, beaming as if such a simple act could suck the soul jam from him.
“What are you doing here..” The words spilled out of Pure Vanilla’s mouth, barely over a whisper. It was as if he was afraid of anyone else hearing. Was he? He didn’t want to bother the others.. but, he didn’t know entirely what was going on here, so surely that wouldn’t help anything anyways? The grin, somehow, managed to grow bigger.
“Ohhh silly Vanilly~! Did you reeallyy think it was going to be that easy?” Shadow Milk Cookie’s voice echoed in his brain, burying itself in every crevice and making everything feel wrong and painful. “I have so many tricks up my sleeve! What makes you think you found all of them?”
“You..” Pure Vanilla felt like he was locked into place, limbs unable to move and keeping him unbearingly still. He felt powerless. No. No, surely he was just hallucinating. He had to be.
He hated the feeling like he couldn’t trust his senses. It crawled under his skin and made him feel sick. But it was better than the alternative.
“You’re not real..” He breathed out, trying to… He wasn’t sure. Gain some semblance of control? The boisterous laugh that followed made all attempts futile, panic sticking to his brain like glue. It gripped him, rooting itself, making it even harder for him to be rid of it.
“EEEEEEERRRRR!! For someone who prides himself on following the truth, you sure do like to deceive yourself!” Shadow Cookie’s voice—his intonations, his tone—it chilled him to his core. He didn’t want to be this stricken by him, he should be brave! But.. The way he stood behind him, head turned in that unnatural way.
“I’m just imagining things” Pure Vanilla finally tore himself away from the mirror, not bothering to do anything with his appearance. He just hoped his hair wasn’t too horrendously messy. He wasn’t sure he cared anyways. Was that bad?
He walked out of his room, going down the stairs and onto the first floor of his castle. After all the celebrations and business of yesterday, he insisted on returning to his kingdom, even if the others were going to stick together and stay at the same place for the night. Maybe he should’ve joined them.
Maybe this was all his fault.
Pure Vanilla shook away the thoughts, hearing a faint laughter but ignoring it. He could deal, he’d be fine. He just needed something to distract him. Yes, that was it. He’d head out into the kingdom and see what he could do to help, that’d do it.
So, without a second thought, he left the front door.
The sunshine shone brightly as he stepped out into the warm, familiar place. He missed this. He missed the Vanilla Kingdom from his time away. It was comforting to be back.
Pure Vanilla kept seeing blue out of the corner of his eye though. He paid it no mind.
Greeting all sorts of citizens, inquiring on how their businesses were, it was all second nature. It filled him with a sense of relief, despite that.. feeling still tugging. He continued to push it to the back of his mind. It was only when he was in the middle of helping a cookie knead bread dough—something he insisted on—did Shadow Milk decide to actually interrupt.
“Goooddd, you’re so borrinngg. Forgot how “you” you are. Where’s the fun in doing this all day?”
Pure Vanilla faltered for a moment, but continued on as if he didn’t hear him. He had to ignore him. Talking to what either could be a hallucination or an actual cookie only he could see wouldn’t fare well either way. He’d look crazy.
“You’re not reaally that foolish to think I’ll go away, are you? Or.. maybe you are. Hm. You know what, let me prove you otherwise!” He didn’t know what he expected from Shadow Milk Cookie’s words. Maybe nothing at all. What he was not expecting was to look over to the baker cookie next to him only to see those same, mismatched blue eyes.
Of course, why didn’t he think of that? If this truly was Shadow Milk Cookie, why wouldn’t he harm his denizens to get to him? This was a bad idea, he should’ve never set foot outside the castle. He was putting other cookies at risk and he never wanted that.
That sickening laughter was back. It was anything but quiet
His breathing shuddered, becoming uneven; He couldn’t continue to be here, not now. This was his fault, and that was all he could think until that one command overpowered it.
Run.
Running out of the bakery, he stumbled his way through the kingdom’s pathways, relying on his legs to lead him the way. It was anything but organized, clumsy limbs trying their best to keep him upright while his lungs felt like they’d explode. Soon enough, he was on the front steps of the castle.
Pure Vanilla Cookie couldn’t just go straight in. He had other cookies working here to govern the kingdom that he wouldn’t want to worry. He didn’t want anyone talking to him, asking him anything as he made a beeline to his room. So, he stayed on the front steps, forcing himself to breathe. It took more effort than it should, but he was getting there.
“I really scared you there! Didn’t I?” Shadow Milk cookie’s head was tilted once again in that unnatural way, at a near 90° angle. He simply tried to ignore him again, although it didn’t work nearly as well as last time.
Finally able to breath at a mostly normal pace, he picked himself up off the steps, making his way to the front door. It was only now that he had a clearer head that he remembered he had let the other governmental cookies have today off, as a well deserved break for governing the kingdom in his absence. Well, all of that wasn’t necessary now, was it?
Except maybe it was, because as he opened the front door, he realized he heard voices inside the castle. Once he stepped inside, he found out why.
“Ooh, make sure to make those new special jellies you learned how to make, I’m sure he’ll love them!” Golden Cheese Cookie’s voice was unmistakable, calling to someone further in the castle.
“Already on it!” Ah, that’s who. Hollyberry Cookie’s voice rang out clearly despite the muffle from distance and walls.
Pure Vanilla froze; his friends were here? He wasn’t anticipating their visit, although he probably should’ve expected it. Normally, these kinds of surprises would be a delight, but now? It just meant he’d have those who he cared for the most close to him, vulnerable to risk when it came to Shadow Milk Cookie—if it really was him. Plus, either way, he’d hate to worry them.
He wouldn’t want to burden them with his issues.
“Oh! You’re back earlier than expected! I was supposed to keep watch for when you got here” She turned to face him with a look of surprise, which quickly melted into a smile. He had a feeling she was still dealing with the aftermath of everything, especially with how cruel he heard Burning Spice was to her, but she was handling it well it seemed.
“Yes.. What exactly is all of this?” Pure Vanilla could smell the scent of star jellies being made, could hear silverware being arranged, could see some decorations that were set.
“We wanted to surprise you with a lunch get-together! Admittedly, it was kinda just an excuse to hang out with you, after you missed out on our impromptu sleepover yesterday.” Golden Cheese explained, and all the pieces fell into place. Hollyberry must be making the food—she was always the best at it out of the five of them—Dark Cacao must be setting up the table, and Golden Cheese probably put the decoration before being sent to watch out for him. “White Lily Cookie isn’t back yet, we sent her out to get drinks”
“Oh! I see. This is very kind of you guys” Pure Vanilla looked at her with the best, gentle smile he could. Despite the situation he was dealing with, he didn’t want them to think he didn’t appreciate the gesture. It must have been good enough, because she beamed back at him.
“C’mere, you softie! Let me show you the setup!” She wrapped her arm around his shoulders, leading him further into the castle. It would’ve almost seemed natural, normal, if it weren’t for the blue remaining in the corner of his vision.
Pure Vanilla Cookie was glad for his friends, he really was! Hearing their banter while things were getting finished was lovely—it reminded him of their days traveling. He just.. felt as if he didn’t belong. Almost like he was haunted, while the others moved on. He could be wrong, they could simply be coping in a way that wasn’t obvious. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse.
Soon enough, White Lily came back with drinks—that weren’t berry juice, god knows they didn’t need that at this hour—and Hollyberry finished making food. They all sat at the table, and soon conversation filled the table. His friends were all clearly avoiding talking about everything that had happened, and he was thankful.
“So, Dark Cacao, actually enjoying something? Reuniting with your kingdom and us?”
“Hush. But, yes. Yes, I am.”
“Aw, glad to hear you admit it! You oughta do that more often!”
The conversations entered his head, but almost washed over him. He’d say something himself every once and a while, but even that became rarer as time went on.
He just couldn’t shake the feeling. He knew Shadow Milk Cookie was watching, probably taking delight in his misery. Misery, was that it? No, he was having a nice lunch with his friends, it shouldn’t be. It wasn’t their fault he was dealing with this, that he couldn’t get over everything. Or, if it really was him, that he couldn’t do more to prevent this.
He wanted to be happy at this moment. Why couldn’t he be? Why couldn’t he simply appreciate his friends’ presence and let go of everything else? They all could do so, could look past everything and have a nice moment with each other. Why couldn’t he? Why was he so bad at everything he should be able to do?
“Are you ok?” White Lily’s voice pierced through his thoughts, and that’s when Pure Vanilla realized that everyone was looking at him with concern. Well, that’s not good. He did exactly what he hadn’t wanted to, by getting too lost in his thoughts.
“Yeah, you’ve been acting off. You haven’t started skipping your jellies again, have you?” He averted his eyes slightly at Hollyberry’s words. He had forgotten she knew about that habit—though he didn’t know how he did with how much she tried to make sure he’d eat. And making sure he ate enough to her standards.
“I’m fine friends, do not worry-“
“They have a point. Do not dismiss them as if they don’t.” The cut off was entirely fair, but Pure Vanilla couldn’t help but feel a little miffed that he couldn’t “clear things up” without some push back. He knew Dark Cacao Cookie was right, but that didn’t change anything.
“You can tell us things, Pure Vanilla Cookie!” Golden Cheese Cookie was the least outwardly, obviously concerned. But he knew her, he knew the way she plastered on her teasing and joking nature when she wasn’t sure what else to do. But, she also knew when to make her tone a bit more serious. “We’re here for you, don’t forget that.”
“Truely, I’m ok! I just.. didn’t get much sleep last night, is all” It was entirely a lie, and he hated that. He just didn’t know how else to get them to stop worrying about him, to start having a nice time again. He never wanted to weigh them down.
“..I guess that’s fair, it has been a lot.” White Lily’s tone was so sincere and soft, and he knew she meant it and understood. He almost wanted to talk to her, to tell her what was going on, but he knew she had a lot to deal with. The cookie could be so full of guilt, and he never knew how to help.
“Wait. This isn’t too much, is it? The surprise visit and all?” Wait, wait what? What was Golden Cheese suggesting here? He didn’t want his friends to ever think he didn’t want their gestures, that he didn’t want their company.
“What? No, it’s-“
“I am so sorry, I didn’t think about that! We should give you some time, a break.” The way Hollyberry spoke, so self-assured.. He knew it wouldn’t be easy to convince her otherwise. She could be quite stubborn with certain things.
“Really, it’s…” Pure Vanilla Cookie looked around the room. All the other cookies, the expressions they wore, the way they looked at him. He knew they wouldn’t believe him if he said he really would rather they stay. And in a way, he kinda did. But, at the same time…
Wait. He still didn’t know whether or not Shadow Milk Cookie was real or a hallucination. He would never forgive himself if he hurt them.
“If you believe that’s the best course of action, I guess I can’t stop you.” His voice came out level and calm, despite the feelings swirling in his head. It was the right decision to make, so why did it feel so wrong? Maybe because everything felt wrong. He was getting sick of it.
Soon enough, the others left, all with promises of hanging out some other time. It felt nice, but hollow. He hated it. He hated all of this. Once the last of them left, he turned around and pushed the door shut, walking out of the foyer.
“Oh boy, you really don’t understand, do you?” Shadow Milk Cookie’s voice grated Pure Vanilla Cookie’s ears once more, making him freeze in place. He looked back at him as his words processed. “Silly, silly, SILLY-Vanilly, don’t you see?”
“…What?” He did not like where this was going. He couldn’t help the edge of panic seeping into his voice, trying to figure out what he meant.
“The truth will only hurt, only BURDEN” Shadow Milk cookie threw himself around, acting as if he were in a dramatic play. His hands were held together in a way that could only be mocking when done by him, before turning to him with a wide smile. “Sound familiar?” Wait.. No, he couldn’t be talking about..
“No…” Pure Vanilla Cookie wanted to throw up hearing words similar to his thoughts used against him. He didn’t mean it in that way, he just.. He wanted what was best for others, for his friends! He-
“YES! It was SOOO easy for you to lie to your friends! You’re a lot more like me than you’d care to admit” Shadow Milk Cookie swirled around him, taunting him with his gestures and grin. He pointed his finger onto his chest, and Pure Vanilla had to shove him away.
“No, stop it!!” He wanted to stuff his ears full of cotton, or maybe stuff his brain, anything to stop this. He wanted this to be over, he wanted him gone. He bit his tongue as he heard that laughter invade once more.
“I said it was inevitable~!” He stood to his side, in such a performative pose, with such a gleeful tone. “But if you want to deceive yourself even more, go ahead! But, oh, you wouldn’t like that, would you? You and your truth.”
That’s right. He just needed to find out what the truth was, not fall for his lies, and he’d be fine-
“Are you actually close to it at all? How do you know what’s the truth, hm? Do enlighten me!” He stared blankly at the floor, unable to sort his thoughts. He didn’t know what, why, or how, he just knew the feeling that crawled in and tore and seeped. “Oh? No! Don’t tell me! You don’t know!”
“I.. I don’t…” He hated how his voice wavered. He hated how his body shook. He hated how unsure he was. He hated how he felt, he hated Shadow Milk Cookie, he hated how he handled things, he hated himself-
“You didn’t really think you were free, did you?” Shadow Milk Cookie’s words infiltrated immediately, slicing through him in a way that surely was meant to bleed out.
“What..” He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be right. It.. It wasn’t true.“…What do you mean”
“This is all FAKE silly! There was no sealing away, you’re. still. stuck with me~!” No. No, no, no, nonono! “It’s just ohhh sooo easy to trick you! To make you think you’re safe” He couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, he-
“Pure Vanilla Cookie? Are you o-“
“GET AWAY FROM ME!!” Pure Vanilla shoved the hand off of his shoulder, breath staggering and sharp. Everything was wrong, everything was too much. He didn’t know anything besides the panic clawing through him.
“Pure Vanilla Cookie..” Her soft tone made him pause. White Lily Cookie.. “I.. I stuck behind because I was worried and.. I..” Oh no. He hurt her. She was so sweet and he.. He shoved her away when she was only trying to help! He was the worst.
“Ohhh, now you’ve done it! You’ve hurt the one you care most for! You will become-“
“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!” He couldn’t help the guttural yell that tore its way out of his throat, much like with the silver tree back before they entered the spire. He was just so tired, he couldn’t do this!
“Wait… Wait is-“ Pure Vanilla couldn’t think of anything else to do but run, leaving behind White Lily and his staff behind. Everything was a blur of colors but he didn’t care anymore. It was all too much, everything.
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do anything he was supposed to. Pathetic, wasn’t it? He couldn’t trust his senses, he couldn’t tell whether or not he was real, he couldn’t move on, he couldn’t enjoy time with his friends, he couldn’t tell if he was lying in saying all of this was fake! Jam pooled his mouth, as he collapsed onto the grass in a clearing.
“I’m so worthless… I’m not strong enough” He choked out the words, gripping the front of his robe as if it’d fix things. Make it easier to breathe, make it so that he could do things right. He felt like he was going to lose it. Was he not already losing it?
“I told you~! And now what’ll you do? Are you-“ Something snapped, and he was set into motion.
“I’M DONE!” He frantically shoved himself to his feet, breath ragged and itching to do something. He couldn’t make it out in his mind though. Everything was foggy and yet sharp at the same time, nothing at all and yet too much. He needed to feel like things were real. “I AM GOING TO SEEK THE TRUTH, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER”
Pure Vanilla Cookie tore a sugar rock from the ground, throwing it at one of the trees and seemingly confirming its existence by bouncing off. He had to make sure. He roughly ran his hands against the bark of the tree, feeling the wood scrape against them. He could feel them, and he could feel the jam starting to seep from the scratches. He picked up a flower from the grass, and he could smell its sweet scent. It wasn’t enough, he needed to test all his senses. He needed to be sure. He tore off one of the petals and shoved it into his mouth, a bitter taste spreading as he crunched it to hear the slight sound.
The environment seemed plenty real. He could trust that, right? His senses weren’t that far gone, right? He shouldn’t be questioning this, it should be a given. His breathing rang out shallow and ragged. He heard that stupid laugh once more, the one thing that made him doubt everything, and all he felt was rage run through his veins.
He turned around so swiftly it nearly gave him vertigo, and before he could process what he was even doing, he ran up to the other blur of a cookie and went to hold him in a chokehold. The feeling was there for a split second—he swore, the feeling of his neck being gripped—but then the cookie disappeared altogether. He couldn’t feel him, he couldn’t hear him, he couldn’t see his blue.
His hands moved down slowly, and for a moment, everything felt like nothing at all. Was he real? Was it all a hallucination?
What was the truth?
It felt like a sheet of glass finally shattering, everything back at once. He fell to his knees, hands coming up to tug down on his hair. No, the glass wasn’t fully broken, there was something holding him back.
“Pure Vanilla Cookie?” There she was, White Lily Cookie, in all her glory. She kneeled down next to him, and then, it shattered.
Pure Vanilla Cookie threw himself into the arms of his oldest friend, sobs escaping him and shaking his entire body. She didn’t care, she just held him and let him cry. She was like an anchor, a comforting pressure that kept him there.
“I don’t… know what to do…” His voice broke and wavered, interrupted by hitches in his breath and sobs.
“Just listen to me, focus on my voice..” He gripped even harder. “We’ll figure it out. I promise.” Her voice was solid, and for the first time in a while..
He felt he could fully trust it.