Work Text:
Edge of Space and Time
Meeting Room 4 (“Argon”)
“…Drilling down,” Kyubey said, raising a paw towards a particular chart, “we see these cohort groups consistently outperforming their peers, lending to longer engagement periods which culminate in greater realized gains. Unpacking our fourth quarter metrics, per capita Grief Seed collection rate breaks out at over twice the mean, and the resulting Witches in each case vastly outpaced initial projections.”
Another Incubator, sitting on one end of the table, then cut in. “But this, proposal—”
“‘Project Kyupid’,” Kyubey clarified.
“Yes, that,” the other Incubator continued. “You suggest that we might increase our efficiency by promoting… sexual intercourse between contract holders?”
Kyubey clicked a button to bring up the relevant slide, “Ideally, yes. The effects are less pronounced, though still significant, in similar partnerships which failed to consummate their relationship, but sexual intercourse remains a key performance indicator across the board. We observe both the intuitive increase in synergy between contractees in line with those expected of team building activities, but also in downstream metrics like—”
“Yes, you’ve already explained as much,” a third Incubator complained, unsure of how this presentation had managed to enter its second hour. “No one is disputing the facts here. There are merely some questions regarding—”
“Actionables?” Kyubey perked up, having expected the deep dive to need to get a bit further into the weeds before it could finally close the loop on its pitch. “I’m glad you asked.”
Another slide came up, all the previous charts and tables replaced with various suspicious images of young girls.
“Big picture, it’s high time we stepped out of the rapid growth phase of our operation and pivoted towards developing best practices for maximizing returns across the entire customer journey.” Kyubey announced, pointing at a pair of girls towards the bottom of the slide. “Our core competencies have primarily honed in on aggressive onboarding and optics management, relying on discovery of organic growth opportunities, but this startup mentality can only serve us for so long before it becomes a liability.”
At this point in the speech, it jumped onto the table, addressing each other Incubator in attendance directly, “We need an entire paradigm shift, taking these learnings to transform every contract into a home run. Each of these girls before you represents untapped potential on an unprecedented scale, if we stop settling for the quick win and buy into the long tail. Going forward, if we can better leverage this low hanging fruit, we’ll become industry leaders in a next-gen approach to customer success.”
Kyubey waited a few seconds for applause. There was none.
“But what does any of that mean?” another Incubator shouted, collapsing into a defeated, fuzzy heap, head dropping to the table.
“I’m not the only one who finds this all peculiar, right?” the Incubator safely at the far end of the table asked. “Yes, the actual suggestions may potentially have some merit, but this multimedia presentation, these speech affectations… How did this Incubator get like this? How are we even in a meeting room?”
“While I admit to sharing many of those same questions,” an Incubator who had been hiding in its chair beneath the table popped up, “ultimately each Incubator is given broad latitude to approach their task by whatever means they deem best suit their local population. This meeting room and means of presentation may be unusual, but so too is the simple concept of a meeting or proposal among Incubators to begin with. To that end, I move to forget any of this ever happened and leave it alone to keep doing whatever it was that it planned on doing.”
A quick collection of nods circled around the room, and each gathered Incubator hopped down from its seat to head towards the exit.
“Wait!” Kyubey shouted after them, still standing on the table. “You could be getting in on the ground floor of something truly revolutionary. We have to hit the ground running here, with all hands on deck! Or else our competitors will eat our lu—”
“Our competitors will…” Kyubey repeated weakly, growing dizzier and dizzier as it watched the door to the meeting room close once again.
The walls of the meeting room collapsed inwards, and then it knew no more.