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Rui knew he looked pathetic. Eyeliner dripping slightly, hair mussed, suit wrinkled and worn… how could he not look like a complete mess? He stuck out like a sore thumb in the night of the Wonderland Sekai, laying down with his legs dangling off the stage, the same stage they used to do shows on so frequently. The same stage where Tsukasa had reached out to him, asked him with complete sincerity, “Won’t you join our troupe again?”
Rui hears the footsteps of KAITO – soft, steady, and gentle. He hears the soft sigh that escapes from his lips, the creak of the wood as he sits next to him, and he sees KAITO’s worried face loom over him. The moon shines brightly on the stage, casting weird shadows on the dips and curves of his face.
“Hello, Rui.” He said, his voice sympathetic. He didn’t know if that comforted him or made him feel worse. “…Do you want to talk about it?”
No. Was the simple and obvious answer. He didn’t want to talk about it. Him, at 25, wanting a chance with a boy who was already married to his best friend? It was pathetic, to put it simply. So no. He didn’t want to bear his heart to KAITO, and he especially didn’t want to say everything that was meant to be left unsaid, forgotten just like his unnecessary feelings for Tsukasa.
There was no way he would mention the ache in his heart as Tsukasa patted him on the back when he headed into the reception, saying that he was so lucky to have him as his best man, that there was no other person he could’ve chosen. He didn’t want to mention the pitying look Toya gave him, or the way his voice wavered and cracked during his speech.
But also, Rui wanted so desperately to talk about it, to vent and rant about his frustrations and his unrequited love, his never ending want for something more, even if it would never happen. He wanted to talk about how happy Tsukasa looked, talking with him in the dressing room, worrying about every little detail and unnoticeable problem. He wanted to talk about how Tsukasa grinned as he twirled Nene around, how they looked so in love and how he should be happy for them, if he really loved Tsukasa.
That was another thing. He should be happy that Tsukasa was being loved, even if it wasn’t by him, and yet he wasn’t. Rui wasn’t happy at all. All he felt was a deep, aching sadness and pain at the fact that Tsukasa was in love, married, with someone that was not him. He had always vowed to be okay with staying in the sidelines, simply feeling happy when Tsukasa was happy and supporting his every decision, but no one had told him that would be so hard when it came to something this big.
He could still see KAITO hovering over him, waiting for a response. When none came, and Rui’s face remained neutral, he stopped hovering over Rui, finally, and sat down next to him. Rui turned over, not wanting to look at KAITO’s face. He knew what it would look like – marred with worry, perhaps even pity – and looking at that face would only make him feel sicker. “…It really hurts,” Rui eventually said. “I don’t want to feel like this, because why can’t I be happy for him?” He asks, talking more to himself than to KAITO.
KAITO just nods along, not that Rui can see it.
“Before the wedding, before they even started dating, I could already tell,” Rui said, chuckling humorlessly. “He would light up like the sun if Nene even glanced in his direction. I’m not sure why I even held hope after I realized that.”
Rui fell silent, remembering the time when Nene wasn’t even interested, but Tsukasa so obviously was. It was a selfish thought, but Rui wished it had stayed that way. Rui wished that it had stayed that way, and Tsukasa eventually realized that Nene wouldn’t reciprocate and gave up. Rui wished that in that time, Tsukasa turned to him instead of pursuing something that wasn’t working out at the time. But Tsukasa was nothing if not stubborn, so he held on to that small piece of hope that maybe, maybe Nene could eventually feel something for him, and he actually succeeded. When Rui followed his example, holding on hope till the very end, he failed miserably.
“I want to sit on this stage with him again. Talk like the world around us doesn’t exist, like it’s just me and him.” That would never happen again.
(He still remembers the look Mizuki gave him, the way she had gone up to him and asked if he was alright. He remembers how it felt like everyone was looking at him, pitying him.)
He feels ungrateful for even thinking this, for yearning for more when Tsukasa has already given him the world, for wanting to be Tsukasa’s everything when Tsukasa had already granted him the title of ‘my dearest director’. He feels isolated, alone, like he is stuck with Tsukasa in a ravine, but then Nene guides Tsukasa to safety and he is simply left there, waiting, wanting. He wants so badly to cry, to pour his heart out and then die right there because it feels like his life has been completely ruined, even if it hasn’t, even if all he’s grieving is an idea held together by paper and glue.
“I feel so selfish,” He says, “I feel like I’m wanting too much, asking too much. I feel like I’m still a teenager, because my desires are the same and my wants are the same, but I’ve still changed so much.” He pauses.
“I feel horrible.” It’s a truth that disgusts him, but he can’t take it back because he’s said it already and now it’s real, a feeling he must confront and deal with.
KAITO stays silent for a long while too. “Love only turns selfish when you force it onto other people,” he hums, “and you didn’t do that a single time, right?”
Rui shakes his head. He could never. Not knowing that Tsukasa would never be truly happy with him, that even if Rui loved him even more than he already did Tsukasa still wouldn’t be satisfied. Yes, he had yearned and wanted, but only ever in silence. When they caused chaos in the school together. After practice times, when they all sat down on the stage and Rui was on one side of Tsukasa, talking with him, laughing, and of course, Nene was on the other side, constantly diverting Tsukasa’s attention, putting a smile on his face as if he had just been handed love itself.
“Still,” he whispers, “it hurts.”
KAITO hums, “I think you’ve loved enough for it to hurt, and I think that’s just you being hard on yourself.”
Rui curls in on himself. “Maybe,” he murmurs, still feeling closed in and trapped in his suit that was too stuffy, in the never ending grief that came with realizing that Tsukasa was never his, and would never be his.
KAITO sits in comfortable silence with him, letting him stew. The comfort he provides seems small to Rui, and it doesn’t help with the fact that the space where Rui had always hoped Tsukasa would fill was empty, but at least he felt less lonely. Less lonely than he did before.