Work Text:
I want you to know
I'm a mirrorball
I'll show you every version of yourself tonight
I'll get you out on the floor
Shimmering beautiful
And when I break, it's in a million pieces
🌸
“Rotom Dex, it’s so great to see you”, Ash greets the Rotom that flies above him in happy movements. “Having fun at the Aether Foundation?”
“Absolutely, but I’m glad Lusamine gave me that week off so I could spend some time with you while you’re here for your break.”
Professor Cerise decided to give Ash and Goh some time off after the unfortunate events that happened during their last research. He insisted that the break will be good help for Ash’s ankle to heal, and that they shouldn’t worry about anything – Chryssa and Ren can research a lot of stuff on their own until the boys are back from their break, and without further thinking, Ash decided that they should visit Alola.
And here they are now. Home. Ash’s definition of home applies to a lot of places – Pallet Town where his mom and the rest of Pokemon live. Cerise Laboratory, where he spends most of his time now with Goh and a whole family of his Pokemon. Ash even considers Goh’s parents' apartment as some kind of home, even if Goh has never described the place that way. It’s still home to Ash. Walker, Camillie, and of course Halta are a part of his family too now.
And Alola – Alola always will be home to Ash. Professor Burnet and Kukui are like his parents. So Alola always will be the place that comes to Ash’s mind first when he thinks of home.
Goh knows how much Alola means to Ash. It means a lot to him too now after what happened here last year, so without thinking twice, he agreed to the idea of spending their free time here.
It’s also a good last opportunity to come here for a while, because Professor Cerise and Professor Oak have such a exciting project for Goh to work on soon, so Goh will be tied to the Laboratory and Vermillion for at least a few weeks or even months.
“So what kind of project you will be working on, Goh?”, Kukui asks, sipping his afternoon coffee.
Everyone got invited for the dinner that Professor Burnet and Mallow prepared to spend some nice and relaxing time together.
“I’m sorry, the Professors asked me not to share any information yet”, Goh says with regret in his voice, but Kukui just laughs and insists that it’s okay.
“But once it’s done, you’ll be the first ones to know”, Ash says, excited, and Burnet giggles.
“Not exactly the first one since it seems you already know what it’s about”, she winks, and a soft pink blush covers Ash’s face right away.
“Ash will be such a help, his support means a lot to me”, Goh explains, intertwining their hands together under the table.
“I can imagine”, Burnet utters under her breath. “You both keep being loving to each other, okay?”
“Yeah, we will”, Ash breathes out, tightening his grip on Goh’s hand.
Burnet giggles to herself before she stands to clean the table, and Mallow insists on helping. Kukui takes already napping Lei to put him into the bed, and Burnet thanks him with a smile before heading out to the kitchen.
“Ash, how about we have a battle now? Gladion can’t come until tomorrow”, Kiawe proposes.
Ash excitedly grins before he says. “Thought you’d never ask”.
Ash squeezes Goh’s hand for the last time before he stands up, putting his cap back on his head.
So what Pokemon do you want me to use? Your Lucario, maybe. He’s so strong! is still being heard as they leave the house. Pikachu already runs after them to observe the battle and cheer for his trainer, and Goh encourages Grookey and Cinderace to do the same.
“Goh, do you want to watch it?”, Sophocles asks, but to his surprise, Goh shakes his head. “I think I’ll stay here for a bit to rest, but you go ahead”.
Sophocles nods his head and runs outside too, leaving Goh with Misty and Lana in the dining room.
Goh releases both of his Ninetales so Snowy can play with them, and Lillie’s eyes turn into hearts just at the sight of them being already evolved.
“Did you bring some of your Water Pokemon, Goh?, Misty asks, and Goh nods his head.
“Yeah, I brought Inteleon and Frogadier with me.”
“Cool! Can we play with them?”, Lana asks, and Misty’s eyes shine at the mention of Goh’s Inteleon.
Goh’s in the middle of taking out the rest of his Pokeballs when Misty’s gaze locates on Goh’s finger, noticing the ring. She gently nudges Lana to get her attention, but Lana is less subtle than she is.
“Oh My Arceus, did Ash already propose to you?”, she screams and Goh gets startled by that. Lillie stops playing with the Pokemon, and the sound of crinkling dishes in the kitchen stops as well, as Mallow and Burnet subtly peek their heads through the door to listen to the conversation.
Goh blinks in shock a few times, and then he remembers he still has his anxiety ring on his finger.
He was wearing it only for the past week as he was still recovering from the anxiety he felt after what happened during his and Ash’s research. He was supposed to take it off before their Alola trip, but it slipped his mind, and he got on the plane still wearing the ring.
“Oh..that…it’s just my anxiety ring”, Goh mumbles not so quietly, but it has to be quiet somehow, because the girls aren’t even listening to his explanation.
“Girls, girls, girls”, Burnet intervenes, and Goh is grateful that she stepped in. “It’s just a ring, it doesn’t need to mean anything. Besides, I’m sure if Ash and Goh got engaged, they would tell us the news”.
“Oh man, I would bet on anything that Ash would put a ring on it already. Gary already proposed to Tokio, so I thought Ash would try to beat him to it and propose to you as well”, Misty laughs, and Goh looks up at her with confusion written on his face. He already feels the anxiety building up in his abdomen.
“I’m surprised too. Come to think of it. Ash and Goh already act like a married couple after all, so I think it’s only a matter of time that Ash should do it soon”, Lana giggles to Misty, and Goh wonders if they forgot that he’s still sitting in front of them.
Absent-mindedly, Goh starts to play with the ring on his finger. It helps to soothe him a little. He takes a deep breath, and Mallow must’ve noticed his movements, because she put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
🌸
It’s a cool night in Alola, and despite the coldness, everyone sleeps just fine except for Goh. Not because of the cold – Ash is always warm, and his body heat always helps to warm Goh whenever he needs it – but because of his racing thoughts in his mind.
Goh looks around the dark room as he sighs heavily. Ash sleeps just fine next to him. Goh has already counted around 176 snores coming from his open mouth. Pikachu and Grookey are curled together at the other side of the bed, sleeping just fine too. At least they’re having a good sleep.
Goh sighs again as he reaches for the necklace under his shirt with his sweaty hand. He holds it tightly as he tries to stop the voices in his head. He tries to take a deep breath, but it’s too shallow to fill his lungs, and all he exhales is another shaky breath.
Great, the familiar wave of anxiety welcomes his tired body as she shows up unannounced again. He closes his eyes for a second, only to open them quicker than he had closed them.
Another sigh leaves his mouth as he glances towards Ash. Goh gives the necklace in his hand a last squeeze before he abruptly decides to wake up his boyfriend.
"Ash", Goh says loudly and hits the aforementioned boy with the nearby pillow in his face.
A broken snore escapes Ash's lips as he wakes up from his slumber and sleepily looks at his wide awake boyfriend.
"Was I snoring?", he sheepishly asks, rubbing the rest of sleep from his eyes.
"Around the 278th snore now, but that's not what I was bothered by", Goh says while turning on his back again to stare at the ceiling above him.
"You’re counting my snores instead of Mareep to help you fall asleep?”, Ash jokes, as he finds Goh’s hand under the covers to hold it. Ash quickly becomes serious when he feels how sweaty Goh’s hand is and how it’s shaking in his grip.
“If your overthinking is louder than my snoring, then it is a serious matter. What's wrong?", Ash fully addresses his boyfriend now and looks at him curiously.
Goh sighs for another time this sleepless night, closing his eyes for a second before opening them again and voicing out his thoughts. It’s now or never. "Ash...do you even want to marry me?"
Ash just stares dumbly at Goh and…blinks. Then he blinks again for a good measure. His gaze quickly found the clock on the wall. It’s 4 a.m. He’s trying to process the question he had just heard. At 4 fricking a.m. It’s not happening, right? There’s no way this conversation came up right now. At 4 fricking a.m.
Ash clears his throat and he finally speaks. Confused and wondering what the hell is going on. “Exactly where is this coming from now?”
“Lana and Misty think you should already put a ring on it, so”, Goh says quietly, and Ash sighs to himself. Lana, Misty, and their teasing ideas. He’s gonna get them one day.
“Goh, baby, we've been dating for almost a year. It’s not even a full year”, Ash finally replies and Goh turns to face him. Goh is not offended, but Ash can’t read what’s written on his face, even with all of the moonlight shining through the window.
“And Gary and Tokio have been dating for over one year and they’re already engaged”, Goh quips back, and Ash rolls his eyes. He wants to comfort Goh, but he really doesn’t have any energy to have this conversation right now. He swears he starts to feel the headache getting over his head.
He loves Goh dearly, and if he could, he would steal all the moonlight from the sky to give it to Goh, if the boy would ask him to. Of course, he wants to get engaged with the love of his life. But not rushed. He wants to decide wisely with the right timing.
“Goh, baby, listen”, Ash says, choosing his most gentle voice. He takes a hold of Goh’s hand into his own as he says, hoping the message will get through to his boyfriend loud and clear, “Of course I want to marry you, there’s nothing I dream more of, but…”
“You’re not so sure”, Goh points out, raising his brow, and Ash nervously chuckles, scratching his cheek.
But Goh takes it in the wrong way and casts his gaze away in upsetness. He exhales a shaky breath before quietly saying. “No, I get it. I wouldn’t marry me either, honestly. I’m a nuisance aren’t I? You’ll probably get tired of me soon and…”, a sob escapes Goh’s lips before he adds the last sentence. “...you'll leave me again”.
And shit, Ash thinks. It was a bad thing to say it seems. Goh wants to take his hand away, but Ash doesn’t let him. Instead, he tightens his grip on it. He still cries as Ash chooses his next words he’s gonna say wisely.
“I am sure that I want to marry you, but I’m just also aware that I want it to be at our own pace when we will be both sure that it’s the right time, not because someone thinks that we should already do it”, Ash says, and he kisses Goh’s hand before asking. “What would the ring change now?”
It’s more to Goh than just the ring. It’s about his past. His trauma. It’s about how he feels. About Ash. It would be a promise. A promise that Goh’s sure Ash wouldn’t break. He takes a deep breath as he says as much. “It would be a promise that you’ll always be with me. That you will never leave”.
“And I won’t ever leave you. Even if I haven’t asked you on one knee yet”.
Goh exhales another shaky breath. He knows the girls’ teasing has gotten to his head. Deep down, he knows Ash is right, so why is he so caught up in it?
Without further thinking, Ash hugs Goh with one of his arms and lays them both on the bed again, with Goh laying atop his chest. He gently moves his hand through Goh’s hair to soothe him.
“I’ll never leave”, Ash breathes out, kissing the top of Goh’s head.
There’s no day Ash wouldn’t go without regretting leaving Goh and going on his own journey. He regrets stopping messaging Goh and missing his calls. He regrets breaking all the promises he made to Goh, so if there is one thing he’s sure of now after all of that time – he’s sure that he will never leave Goh again, and he will get on one knee in front of him to ask him that one anticipated question one day.
Goh doesn’t reply anything else. Some occasional hiccups leave his mouth as Ash just keeps playing with his hair until he feels Goh’s breath finally even out, and he’s sure Goh’s fast asleep to take his own rest as well.
🌸
They wake up 2 hours later, pretty much in the same position. They hear Lei running in the corridor, and Burnet quietly asking him to stop running cause, honey, you will wake up everyone. It’s pointless now, Goh and Ash are already awake anyway. Temporarily at least.
Ash already resumed his previous activity of moving his hand gently through Goh’s hair, and the boy hums in approval, enjoying the soothing feeling.
They don’t say a thing, just enjoying the lazy hours before they will be ready to start the day. Ash doesn’t pressure the conversation, although he feels Goh still has something on his mind. He moves uneasily in Ash’s arms, before he sighs as he breaks the silence.
“Do you think I should go to a therapist?”, Goh murmurs, his voice still full of sleep, and it’s a matter of time before he will fall asleep again.
Ash gently traces the scratched place on Goh’s forearm from a week ago. Goh must’ve scratched it really hard, because it still doesn’t want to heal. Ash kisses Goh’s forehead before he replies. “I could call Jessie and ask her if her friend has a free slot once we’re back in Vermillion”.
Goh isn’t surprised that Ash doesn’t question anything. Of course Ash wouldn’t question anything. Of course he’s understanding like that, and letting Goh do what feels right for him and encouraging it in his own way.
Goh unconsciously fists his hand on Ash’s shirt, and Ash holds it gently into his own hand, tightening a grip on Goh’s fist right away. It’s not much, but it helps to ease the sudden wave of anxiety Goh had started to feel again.
He exhales a shaky breath before he says. ”You know, it started with Tokio”.
Ash doesn’t exactly catch what it’s all about, so he hums in question instead.
“My abandonment issues, I mean”, Goh explains, melting further into his boyfriend’s comforting embrace.
“Oh”, is all Ash replies and kisses Goh’s forehead again.
In all honesty, Ash doesn’t know what he should reply to that. It’s the first time Goh has shared it with him. It must have taken a lot of courage for Goh to even voice out his past trauma.
“You can talk to me about it if you’d like”, Ash whispers, tightening his grip around Goh’s body.
And Goh does talk about what happened when he was 9 years old. He talks about how he and Tokio met, and how they quickly bonded over Mew and Celebi. He talks about how they wanted to find the shrine to meet Celebi, but they were unsuccessful, so they promised each other to meet the next day. And Tokio broke his promise.
It was years ago, and it was all a misunderstanding because Tokio just got sick and couldn’t leave the house, but the memory of it still stings at Goh’s heart after all these years.
There’s a sleepy, it was just a misunderstanding. We made up when I was twelve on my journey to Johto with my parents when the tiredness overcame Goh and he fell asleep again.
Ash chuckles to himself as he places a kiss on Goh's forehead, before he closes his eyes to take some rest himself. It’s okay, they can sleep in today.
🌸
They have a plan of meeting with the gang at Mallow’s restaurant.
And they do, partially. They spotted an Alolan Rattata on their way, and Goh wanted to research it. Research or catch?, Ash teased, and Goh rolled his eyes as he mumbled in embarrassment, preferably both, but laughed as he promised to catch up with his boyfriend in Mallow’s restaurant later. Ash is certain Goh will come back with the Rattata registered to his Pokedex for sure.
So Ash goes there, slow and careful to not strain his ankle more, with Pikachu perched on his shoulder and Rowlet sleeping on his head. He tries to distract his mind by looking at the calm ocean, but all he can think about is the talk he had with Goh in the morning. He takes a deep breath as he sees the restaurant becoming closer and closer in his vision.
Ash sighs to himself. Maybe it’s for the better that Goh isn’t with him right now, so he won’t be here to hear any of this.
And when Ash arrives at the restaurant a few minutes later, he isn’t the gentlest by any means.
“What was it all about, huh?”, Ash says before he sits in front of the girls, and they both look up at him, confused.
Everyone turned their attention to him, but Ash, in all honesty, doesn’t give a fuck how loud he is, or of calling out his friends in front of everyone.
“Ash, I don’t know what you’re talking ab–”, Misty tries to say, but Ash cuts her off abruptly.
“So when will you propose to Lana?”, Ash asks, his voice shaking with upset. Anger maybe.
Misty blinks a few times to process what his friend has just asked, and Lana blushed in the deepest shade of red at the implication. Now they know what it’s all about.
“Look Ash, it was just a lighthearted joke when we saw the ring”, Lana explains, watching her every single word carefully, noticing the tension, and Ash has to control himself by not hitting the table with his fisted hand.
He takes a deep breath before saying. “I don’t think engagement should be a topic to joke about. It’s a serious matter”.
Lana casts her gaze away and Misty opens her mouth to say something, but Ash cuts her off.
“How was this a lighthearted joke when I had to comfort Goh at 4 a.m from the anxiety attack because two of his friends think we should already get married, but his boyfriend says otherwise? You don’t see it because you don’t live with him everyday, but…he deals with a lot of anxiety everyday. He is recovering from a lot of childhood trauma, and also from everything I put him through last year. He takes a lot of things more seriously than you all do. I’m so happy that you both, and probably everyone here thinks that we could get engaged already, but I…I don’t think it’s the right time”, Ash says, calmer than before, but the upsetness is still in his voice.
He leaves the restaurant before the girls or anyone can utter any words, only to be met with Grookey pawing shyly at the restaurant’s door.
“What’s wrong?, Ash asks worriedly, and the Pokemon points out towards Goh standing on the beach, watching the ocean with a sad gaze.
Ash lets Grookey play with Pikachu and Rowlet as he approaches his boyfriend. He puts both hands on his shoulders, but as he does it, Goh stifles a sob. Without further thinking, Ash turns Goh to face him, only to be met with the blue eyes being red again from crying and tears streaming down his face.
“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?, Ash asks, concerned, and Goh wipes the tears from his eyes before he painfully admits.
“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overhear, but I just..”, another sob. “...I never realized what I put you through. All I do is have panic or anxiety attacks all the time, and you have to deal with all of them. I’m such a terrible boyfriend”, Goh says, crying in earnest now. Ash opens his mouth to say something, but Goh cuts him off.
“I…I hate myself so much. You deserve someone better. Someone who will make you happy, not someone who constantly brings you down with past traumas. I…like I said in the morning – I don’t blame you for not wanting to marry me. I wouldn’t marry me either. I’m an awful person“, Goh still says over sobs when he realizes he can’t inhale any air. He desperately gasps for the needed air as he can’t breathe. It gets a little easier when Ash puts both of his hands on Goh’s shoulders to ground him.
“Baby, look at me”, Ash says, his voice firm despite all of the worry he feels, but Goh still doesn’t dare to look at him. He can’t breathe. He feels absolutely pathetic. He just voiced out how he feels, only to get another panic attack in front of his boyfriend. Pathetic indeed.
“All I do is create misunderstandings. My panic attacks must bore you to deal with them all the time. And yet, you’re still here, trying to solve all of it. Why are you still here? Why are you still doing so much for me? Why are you so patient? Just go, it will be easier if you’ll do it now. Go and find someone better”, Goh still says over sobs, his whole body shaking from all of the emotions inside of him.
“Baby, stop, look at me”, Ash repeats, but Goh still doesn’t listen to him. Goh tries to escape from Ash’s hold, but the boy doesn’t yield and just tightens the grip.
“Just go–”, Goh says, without realizing how quickly he started to breathe now.
“Baby, stop, you’re–”, Ash says, his voice more harsh than he intended. Goh still tries to escape Ash’s hold when Ash puts his hand in the middle of Goh’s chest where the necklace lays under Goh’s shirt.
“...hyperventilating”, Ash adds, his voice getting quieter with each letter.
Goh looks up at him in shock, but doesn’t say anything, just trying to calm down his now-erratic breathing.
“Sorry”, Ash quietly says, as he tries to take his hand away, but Goh shakes his head and puts his hand atop of Ash’s to keep it there. Ash hugs him with a free arm as he places a soft kiss atop of Goh’s head.
There’s still some tension around, but Ash can feel Goh’s heartbeat getting even. The tears aren’t streaming down his face anymore, but some hiccups still leave his mouth occasionally.
Goh still tries to even his breathing when he hears a soft, Because I love you.
Goh’s head is still too high on emotions to catch its meaning, so he asks a choked, Huh?
Ash sits them both on the sand and Goh’s head drops to Ash’s shoulder right away in exhaustion. He looks lazily at the gently moving waves on the ocean.
“You asked why I’m still here, and why I’m doing so much for you. So here’s my answer – because I love you. Your traumas, anxiety, and panic attacks are a part of you, and guess what? I love every single part of you. If I wouldn’t want to deal with that, I simply wouldn’t be with you, but guess what again? I want to be with you, share your pain, and sad days and nights equally as all those happy moments. That’s not my obligation to help you to recover from the traumas, of course…but I want to. I want to do anything I can to help you be your happiest self. Life’s too short y’know? To let the past still affect the present.”, Ash says honestly, placing another kiss on top of Goh’s head.
“Ash?”, Goh finally speaks, unsure of his own voice. “I’m sorry”.
“Don’t be. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know how anxiety can mess up with you”, Ash says, intertwining their hands together.
“Thank you”, Goh breathes out, and Ash places a soft kiss on his temple.
“I just need to know if you were thinking all of this because you felt it here”, Ash points out to Goh’s head. “Or… here”.
Ash places his hand gently on Goh’s heart, but Goh shakes his head and takes Ash’s hand away – but intertwines them together – to imply that it’s not his heart that did all the talking.
“I’m glad you don’t feel that way, then”, Ash whispers and focuses his gaze on the ocean again. “In fact, it makes me incredibly happy that the talk we had in the morning happened, because now I’m sure you think about spending your future with me as much as I do”.
Goh tightens his grip on Ash’s hand when he says, “Should I beat you to it and be the first one who will propose?”
Ash’s eyes widen at the words, but a big grin appears on his face. “I won’t lose this battle”.
“Yeah? Then bring it on, Champion”, Goh says teasingly before he leans forward to place a soft kiss on Ash’s lips.
🌸
The dinner in fact does happen after all. At least after Ash decided to take a run to release the tension he’s been feeling in his body. Pikachu and Lycanroc are running with him when Misty decides to join them, but not to really run – it was just an excuse to apologize to Ash.
Misty had no idea that kind of joke could affect Goh so much, and Ash deep down knew that it’s true, so he apologized for his behavior too. Then, Misty teased it’s so adorable how protective you are of Goh, and Ash splashed her with the ocean water in return.
Lana apologized to Goh on her own at the restaurant, but Goh just waved his hand, saying that it’s not her fault that he reacted this way and took it too seriously.
Then she asked if she could take a closer look at the anxiety ring he’s wearing, and they had a talk about how it’s matching his eye color beautifully, until Ash and Misty came back from the run.
The dinner went in a nice and relaxing atmosphere after all, with the previous tension disappearing into shreds.
Everyone is taking a well deserved rest now in their own way. Lana and Misty are playing a game against Lillie, Mallow and Sophocles with all of the Pokemon. Gladion and Kiawe are having a battle, and Ash could join any of them, but he decided to stay with Goh instead.
They promised everyone they’ll join them in their fun a little bit later, but right now, they are enjoying each other’s quiet company.
Ash can’t keep up with what’s happening in the game and the battle at once, so he decided to stop focusing on them at all.
Goh covers a yawn and Ash chuckles as he lets Goh lay his head on his shoulder.
The comfortable silence lingers around them, as they’re basking in the nice weather and the happiness of their friends around them.
Goh doesn’t think twice before he says a quiet and sudden I love you, and Ash wants to get used to hearing it for the rest of his life.
“I love you too”, Ash whispers in reply as he intertwines their hands together.
Goh smiles to himself as he hears it, and quickly covers another yawn when Ash chuckles again and just says. “You can try to take a nap if you’d like to”.
“I’m fine, I don’t wanna miss the outcome of the game”, Goh mumbles, but melts further into Ash’s embrace anyway.
As they are re-focusing on the game, Ash plays with their intertwined hands. He plays with the anxiety ring that Goh’s wearing, when absentmindedly, he takes it off Goh’s middle finger and puts it on the one people put wedding rings on and that’s the closest Goh’s come to his heart exploding.
🌸
I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings
Uh-huh, that's right
Darling, you're the one I want, and
I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this
Uh-huh, that's right
Darling, you're the one I want
In paper rings, in picture frames, in all my dreams
You're the one I want