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She jabbed furiously in Golf Ball’s face, the realisation dawning upon her. Every little action, word she said, step she took, led her here. Led her to being a failure. Elimination after another, never quite in reach of that golden prize, meanwhile her sweet demeanour rotting into the sour soul she truly was.
The tears pricking at her eyes couldn’t speak for her, so little, so puny. She couldn’t talk. For a split moment, no point reminiscing in the past because–
“I CAN’T GO BACK THERE!” She cried.. and for a minute the world stopped spinning. What was she doing? Freesmart leader falls out of fame? She had a legacy, a crushed, tampered, trampled legacy.
She lost everyone, Match grew clingy , Book grew independent , Ruby and Bubble thought for themselves . Oh.. Ice Cube? Ice Cube spewed venom from that serpentine mouth, from once a compliant, fragile mouth; hey she lived up to her name, Ice Cube’s were cold .
What did she gain out of this show? All she did was push away those who needed her and stuck to those who wanted to run away. She couldn’t please anyone. She can’t please anyone. She failed her role as leader.
Her emotion flattened, arms falling back down to her sides. It was pointless.
“I can’t.. go back there.” She muttered softer, looking at the glimmering stone on the ground. The strain in her voice was evident enough she was so parched from everything, everywhere, everyone. It made sense, she just never wanted it to. Here she was, arguing with a scientist for crying out loud - an object who studies reasoning and logic.
Why is it she couldn’t be right?
A team leader is supposed to be right– but then a team leader isn’t isolated from society for years on end, lost her friends and vulnerable, putting up a front to conceal how she really feels and that soft spot for that one perSON–
NO!
Nononoonononono.. she couldn’t end up like her . Everyone hated her, nobody could forgive her and she was driven out of society for a reason! Nobody liked Leafy, what she did was wrong and looked how she turned out.
A cold blooded killer, an obstacle. Nobody wanted to speak to her and left. It’d only driven her mad.
When she was in the EXIT, oh lord she wouldn’t shut UP! No wonder her team got rid of her, who can tolerate someone so bossy and narcissistic?
She c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶’t̶ WON’T end up like her. No matter how s̶i̶m̶i̶l̶a̶r̶ DIFFERENT they were.
I̶ d̶o̶n̶'t̶ w̶a̶n̶t̶ t̶o̶ b̶e̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ h̶e̶r̶.
The weight of power isn't as glamorous as it first appears.
Pencil had always believed that power meant control, meant security. It was supposed to give her the freedom to shape the world around her, to dictate what happened, and to demand the respect she thought she deserved. But as she stood there, eyes desperately hovering over the yoylelite, she felt nothing but the crushing pressure of it all.
It was a kind of isolation, a silent war within herself, that made her stomach twist in knots. She'd spent so long building up this image of herself, pushing away those who cared about her, striving for perfection at any cost. But what did she really gain from it? A cold sense of superiority, maybe. A brief flash of attention. But those moments were fleeting, evaporating the second she turned her back on her own humanity.
What was she thinking?
She didn’t need to gain anything, with the idea that she didn’t LOSE!
But she did, time and time again so it was her only resort.
Being a part of a group came with the responsibility of leadership, which she gladly took on board just for everything to crumble under her. People left, people joined. She was safe.. then she wasn’t. At least in a group she wasn’t the only target, the others are disposable.
Why were these debuters so set on becoming a part of the show? They already belonged to a group, they were so free– why can’t they go somewhere else?
…
“Maybe those failed debuters were right.” Pencil admitted, accepting a wrong.
A wrong she could right.
They were failures, she was a star. She was a star, her prime with her friends and her weak foes. Where she would change everything.
…
“Maybe changing the past..” Who gives a shit about them?
They DON’T understand! They never will, they’ve never been so high in life.. always being bugs to crush under her feet.
Since when did she let Golf Ball under her skin? Or Leafy?
It’s the only way.
It’s the only way.
It’s the only way.
“.. might SAVE ME!” Pencil swiftly turned around, eyes locked on the yoylelite. Fuck the lot of them, she was a STAR!
She marched towards the object with power flowing through her.
“Pencil, NO!”
Who cares about him– or, or anyone! He’s a nobody, she’s a nobody, THEY ARE NOTHING !
I’m SICK of looking at the same worksheet for years, SICK of people and SICK of the present. If I’m unsure of my future, I’m certain of my past.
I’m willing to go back- who needs friends anyways? All they do is bring you down. Fuck alliances, she couldn’t reign her control over those mindless freaks. Everyone brings you down.
Match? She was unbearable, leaving her in the TLC was the best thing that happened to her!
Book? Heh, Book. She thought she was SOOOO much better than everyone else! ‘I-I’m a–’ SHUT UP!
Ruby? Childish weak disease.
Bubble? What a wimpy, insufferable crybaby.
Ice Cube? The fuck did she even do– she was an outcast for a reason like a fucking ugly duckling!
They were all flawed, idiotic and dependent.
Depending on me, this time I’ll do it the right way.
I can rewrite my history, rub out any of those anomalies off my story and let my books tell of how I saved everyone!
I can save everyone, I’m capable of that!
Pencil lunged towards the yoylelite, the sparkles beckoning her closer. She could see a new version of herself in that reflection, a p̶e̶r̶f̶e̶c̶t̶ better version of herself.
Who needs facts when you can create them?
…
Her face planted the ground, hands empty. Go on, strip me of everything.
You’re all a bunch of fools, you don’t know what I can do to you!
She picked herself up off the ground.
MY
FUTURE WILL BE IN
MY
HANDS.