Chapter Text
It’s been months since Lex and Nxyly were defeated, since Lillian died. Months since the loss of the only family Lena’s known for a majority of her life. At first, she felt completely lost. Where she thought she would feel a sense of freedom, a sense of relief, she instead feels utterly lost. In fact, Lena feels more lost than she did on her first day at Luthor Manor as a tiny four year old.
She’s not lonely anymore. Not in any sense of the word, not really. She spends her days splitting time between the newly formed Lena Luthor Foundation and The Tower. As a fully integrated member of the team, she works alongside the rest of her friends to keep the city safe. Most of her evenings are spent at the apartment she now shares with Kara.
It happens organically. Neither woman wants to live alone, they talked extensively about it. The problem is, neither really trust anyone to share their space. Well, outside of each other, anyway. That’s how they end up living in Kara’s loft. The idea of finding a bigger two bedroom space gets kicked around for a while. When neither of them bring it up again, the subject gets dropped and they fall into a routine.
The fact there is only one bed and they’re sharing it isn’t strange. Best friends do that, right? It’s not an issue. The fact Lena hasn’t mentioned it to her therapist doesn’t mean anything. She just hasn’t gotten to it. Yet.
It’s fine.
That’s the other new thing. Lena Luthor is seeing a therapist.
When Kelly recommends she go to therapy, she scoffs. She’s a Luthor, after all. Luthors don’t go to therapy. However, after a little time passes, she begins to question her reactions to things. Is she scoffing at therapy because that’s actually how she feels about it or because that’s how the Luthors taught her to feel? This line of thinking bleeds over into every aspect of her life making her question her beliefs and reactions to everything. Needless to say, it’s very eye opening.
This revelation sends her on a journey of discovery and self-care. She starts eating regularly, figuring out what she likes and doesn’t like in all aspects of her life. It’s like rediscovering the world around her. Unfortunately, along with the good comes the bad. Finally seeing how truly horrible she was treated by her supposed family and the damage it caused is a whiplash of trauma. Talking about things helps her in ways she never imagined. It’s the deep seated wounds to her psyche, all of the things she lost or missed out on that are harder to reconcile.
The past few weeks have been full of introspection and realization. She’s starting to understand more and more, the little girl inside her hasn’t healed. That little girl wasn’t allowed to exist so she never got to grow and learn. At first it was a hard pill to swallow for the last Luthor, now she is trying to figure out what to do about it. Can she do anything? Is it too late?
These questions consume her thoughts most evenings and she knows Kara has noticed. It’s a random Tuesday when the hero finally asks.
Kara can tell there is something weighing on Lena’s mind. They’ve just finished a late dinner, both having worked later than usual. Plates, flatware, and glasses still strewn on the coffee table and one of their guilty pleasure shows streaming in the background. The blonde doesn’t want to pry, but she knows Lena has a propensity to compartmentalize and stifle her emotions so she tries to gently push her friend to open up.
Kara sighs internally. Calling the woman next to her friend, even in her head, doesn’t feel right. Lena is her friend, the best even, but it’s always been more. It has been for a long time. She knows it and she’s pretty sure her sister knows, too. Now though, it’s getting harder and harder to keep it at bay. They’re living together. Sleeping in the same bed. Not just that, they are always wrapped around each other in bed. She’s never had a friend like that. Not in all of her Earth years. So yeah, it’s getting harder to keep her feelings tamped down.
But, that’s for another day, right now she needs to focus on her best friend.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Kara slides closer to the woman and softly pats the jogger clad thigh now pressed against her own. “You barely ate your dinner and it was your favorite. Plus, you’ve been essentially staring through the TV all evening. Are you okay?”
The gentle voice jars Lena from her thoughts, her viridian eyes settle on her best friend’s concerned sapphire ones. She shifts her eyes away and runs her fingers through her ebony locks before releasing a defeated sigh. “I just…I don’t know how to explain it. When I started therapy, it was on the premise of processing my grief. It has turned into so much more.” Another sigh escapes her lips as she turns toward the blonde. “Going to therapy, actually talking about the things I experienced in that house growing up, it’s making me realize how traumatic my childhood really was.”
A humorless laugh floats into the space between them, Lena shakes her head and drops her chin in disbelief at admitting that out loud. “The Luthors didn’t show or allow emotion. I entered the manor as a scared, grieving four year old.” She can feel her lip quiver and tears sting her already tired eyes. This time, instead of holding them back, she lets them fall freely. “In a lot of ways, Kara, I am still that scared, grieving little girl and I’m not sure what to do about it. Or if I can do anything about it.”
Kara’s heart breaks. She’s always known Lena didn’t live a happy childhood, that her best friend was starved for the love and support Kara herself had in droves. Lena was never allowed to feel or express normal human emotions. The stoic woman was never given the space to explore childhood and experience the joys of true freedom before adulthood settled in. She was always suppressed under the thumb of the Luthor moniker, forced to endure the strict regime of elite classes and standards that would make grown men falter. It’s something Kara wishes she could fix.
Warm, strong arms wrap around her shoulders. Lena leans into her best friend’s chest and breathes in the familiar scent that has come to mean safety and shelter. Her Kara. Always Kara. The blonde smiles and pulls the smaller woman closer, placing a soft kiss to her forehead and pressing her cheek against silky, raven locks.
“I’m so proud of you, Lena.” She runs her left hand up and down the exposed skin of Lena’s arm, the sleeve of her faded Star Wars t-shirt leaving most of the pale skin on display. A soft hum escapes the woman’s pouty lips, eliciting a smile from Kara. “You have avoided a lot of self-care because Lionel and Lillian made you believe it was a weakness. You steered clear of therapy because Lex made you believe it was for people who were of lesser intelligence. Deep down, you’ve always known it wasn’t true, but you knew if any of them found out, they would use it against you in every way possible.”
“You’re so strong, Lena. Even in the face of such adversity, you are a kind-hearted, beautiful soul.” Another soft squeeze of reassurance. “You’ve always been the best Luthor. You always will be.”
They sit in the comfortable, but heavy silence for a few moments. Neither of them make a move to pull away from the other. Kara breaks the silence, finding this is a perfect time to ask some questions she’s been curious about for years and move the conversation in a new direction. She also has an ulterior motive. The blonde wants her best friend to experience all the things she was starved of as a kid. She just needs to know some of those things Lena missed out on and this might be the chance she’s been looking for.
“Over the years, you’ve mentioned never watching movies or playing board games like most of us did. Are there other things you were deprived of as a child?” Kara lightly squeezes her closer before continuing to caress the pale skin of the arm now wrapped around her waist. “Toys you wish you had or places you wish you could have gone? What are some things Lena Luthor wanted as a child and teen?”
A soft chuckle passes across Lena’s lips, the warm breath ghosting against Kara’s neck and causing a shiver the blonde hopes goes unnoticed. The CEO hums. “You’ve helped with the movies and board games. I am sure there are more of both I still need to experience, but you’ve checked off most of them.” Her mind drifts back to the first months at Luthor Manor, recalling how many times she asked to play outside or go to the playground only to be scoffed at or reprimanded. Thoughts of the stuffed bear her mother gave her the Christmas before she died and how Lillian took it from her two days after she arrived.
Kara patiently waits for an answer, fully aware of how often Lena can get lost trying to navigate the treacherous memories of her childhood. She knows how full of landmines those moments can be for her best friend. So, she pulls the woman closer to place a soft kiss on the crown of her head. Her patience pays off when Lena continues.
“I never got to play on the playground, being outside was frowned upon. Dirt was for heathens and unbecoming of a Luthor.” She rolls her eyes. “I think I stopped asking to go outside to play when I was six. It could have been sooner. I had to grow up so quickly. Shedding tears would elicit the wrath of Lillian. Lionel was never really around so I learned early on I needed to hide things from Lillian.” Lena clears her throat, not wanting to dwell too long on that train of thought.
“There was this teddy bear I had, it was the only thing I brought with me to Luthor Manor. Her name was Miss Pizzley. I got her for Christmas from my mother.” She smiles thinking about Miss Pizzley and how much she loved that bear. “It was the last thing I got from my mother and Lillian took it from me. I wish I still had her.” She lets out a long sigh, nuzzling further into Kara’s neck.
“Outside of the teddy bear, there weren’t many things I asked for. I knew better.” She chuckles, leaning back to look up at her best friend.
“I asked for three things from the time I arrived at Luthor Manor until they sent me off to boarding school.” She shook her head, briefly closing her eyes in recollection of the memory before gazing back at her hero. “For Christmas when I was five, I asked for a Princess Leia figurine and a Furby. The only two things I asked for and I got neither. Instead, I got piano lessons and a chess set.” She rolls her eyes as she remembers that Christmas.
Kara watches her carefully, tilting her head in awe of this amazing woman. Still so incredibly kind and caring, even after the abuse and neglect she suffered. “Wow. I can’t imagine. My holidays with the Danvers were so different. Oh, you said three things. What was the third thing?” She pulls the CEO back into her arms and they settle against the backrest of the couch.
Lena hums against the soft tan skin of Kara’s neck, a warmth and security that has quickly become her favorite place. Cuddled on the couch with the woman she’s been unequivocally and irrefutably in love with for years. At this moment, there is nowhere else she’d rather be.
“The third thing came much later. It was the last Christmas I spent at Luthor Manor before they shipped me off to boarding school. I asked for an iPod. I wanted a way to listen to music in the dorm without disturbing others. Instead, I was allowed to enroll in fencing classes at my new school.” She rolls her eyes, thinking of the smug look on Lillian’s face that Christmas when Lena unwrapped the “gift” she was handed. The look is forever etched into her mind. The box contained her updated schedule for Mount St. Helena. Instead of the robotics class she had chosen and enrolled in, fencing sat in its place.
“Meanwhile, Lex was being showered with gifts. The first edition of the Motorola Razr cell phone, a brand new Rolex, and a top of the line Porsche 911.” Lena scoffs. The disparity between the two of them had never been as evident as it was that Christmas. “As much as I hated the idea of going to boarding school, at least I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with seeing Lillian and worrying about Lionel’s drunken tirades. At that point, I still adored and idolized Lex. Plus, he was still a decent big brother. In fact, he gifted me the iPod I asked for when he dropped me off at the boarding school. Our parents couldn’t be bothered with taking me so he did.”
Silence engulfs them. Kara is mulling over the information she learned and Lena is immersed in a swirl of painful recollections. Strong arms are still wrapped around the youngest Luthor. Neither of them speak for several minutes, both lost in the haunting memories of a little girl lost.
They don’t talk much after that. Kara’s mind is devising a plan to give Lena the things she missed out on as a kid. It’s something she’s given a lot of thought to since the woman first opened up to her. Lena is still swimming in the memories of the Luthors ghosts and a past she’s still trying to reconcile. It isn’t until a few months later that the subject comes up again.