Chapter Text
There are few things more precious to a person than that object which contains their soul. For a journalist, it would be their phone or laptop, wherever they compile all their investigations and research, their ideas and scoops. For a writer, it could be their notebook that was stuffed full of plot bunnies and started scenes, character descriptions and lands that no one could ever even attempt to decipher. For Hua Cheng, it was a worn cloth-bound sketchbook that was almost more brown than the red it had been when he’d found it discarded nearly two decades before.
When he had first flipped through the crispy, water-damaged pages, the ink still dying his fingertips with their bleeding inspiration, he’d had no idea what he could do with it. The damage was too extensive to even try to resell it for a scant couple yuan for a snack, and he wasn’t a child who took joy in scribbling useless trash on paper with broken crayons.
That night was the first time he could recall that he felt like he’d had a dream that he so desperately wanted to remember, but something had wiped it away before he could memorize it. After a month of nothing more than the warm feelings of being wanted by someone, he woke with the recollection of eyes. Eyes that shimmered golden in warm sunlight, looking at him like he deserved the world. That was the morning where he opened the sketchbook and set pencil to paper, trying to capture what his mind could not. Because maybe, just maybe, if he could get it on paper he wouldn’t have to scramble to find that happiness again.
It took him years before he could capture the love that shone in those eyes, and it wasn’t until he started high school that he found he could draw the man from his dreams in full, pages filling up with memories he couldn’t recall. The man of his dreams always wore white and he loved flowers. Once he realized this, Hua Cheng enjoyed depicting him surrounded by blossoms, braiding them into his long hair, the stems twined between his fingers, offering them to him through the page.
Between the pages of blooms were just as many that showed him with a sword, fighting an invisible enemy or cleaning it. Domestic and elegant, beautiful and boring, every single moment he wished he could have in a life he was almost certain he had lived before. He didn’t know what this man’s name was, but he knew he was important. The only thing that truly confused him was that, despite never having the same dream twice, he was never older than twenty. Years of dreams, always the same face.
He never allowed anyone to see within the pages of his sketchbook, to see where he kept his heart hidden and safe.
Which was why, when he reached for the book in his bag to find it not there, he felt the world crumbling around him, his vision narrowing down to the too empty space his hand was in. He dumped his bag on his desk, knowing he wouldn’t find it but searching anyway. It had to be there, he couldn’t bear it if it was gone, or worse, if someone saw what was inside.
When it really was true, that the faded red cover was missing, he shoved his things back in his backpack, threw it over his shoulder, and ran out of the room without looking back, not caring about anyone he knocked shoulders with as he tried to retrace his steps and find his lost soul. He had more important things to worry about than grades.
What had he been doing beforehand?
Where had he been?
When was the last time he had his sketchbook?
He knew he hadn’t left it home, he’d definitely had it when he ate lunch by the fountain on campus, so that was where he went to start.
“Where are you,” he whispered to himself as he sprinted, “where- where are you?”
He skidded to a halt at the top of the wall that overlooked the fountain below, staring into the sea of people wandering around, trying to spot the book where he might have set it down in a moment of idiocy.
“A-Xuan, look at this!” a voice called, drawing his attention to where a man a few years older than himself was weaving his way through the crowd toward the black shape that was Hua Cheng’s roommate.
“What, A-Lian?” He Xuan asked, not raising his head from where he was devouring a container of noodles and pieces of chicken.
“This!” the older man exclaimed, waving a familiar sketchbook in his hand, “it’s amazing! I wonder whose it is.” he opened the sketchbook and flipped carefully through the pages, standing away from the sauce his friend was inhaling, much to Hua Cheng’s gratitude as he rushed down to get it back.
He Xuan glanced up and almost choked, “Don’t- don’t look at that! He’ll kill you,” he wheezed, trying to warn his friend away from looking further.
His friend didn’t notice, just continuing to comment on every page with the largest, happiest smile on his face.
Hua Cheng skidded to a halt beside him, smoothing his hair out of his face as he panted, “Don’t… don’t look. That isn’t meant-”
“Oh!” the man jumped, turning to him, “I’m sorry, is this yours?” he asked, closing the book carefully and offering it, “I was just looking to see if there was a ‘return to owner’ page and just got sucked in. These really are amazing,” he grinned, eyes squinted shut, and Hua Cheng felt the breath freeze in his chest.
“It- it’s fine, Gege,” he mumbled, taking the book and slipping it into his bag thoughtlessly, eyes never leaving that face he’d dreamt about for years, innumerable hours drawing it, trying to get the scrunch between those brows just right. “Thank you for… for returning it.”
“Of course!” the man folded his hands behind his back and looked up at him, “I’m Xie Lian, by the way, and this is my friend He Xuan,” he introduced.
“We know,” He Xuan said behind him, glaring over his shoulder at Hua Cheng, “We’ve met.”
“Unfortunately,” Hua Cheng couldn’t keep the scathing tone from his voice as he glowered right back, “we’re roommates.”
Xie Lian whirled around, “this is- oh , that makes so much more sense now.” he murmured to himself, turning back around again, “It’s so nice to meet you finally and I’m sorry for poking through your sketchbook without permission. He’s told me how important it is to you, I’m glad to get it back to you.”
“If it’s you, I don’t mind,” Hua Cheng smiled softly, and He Xuan looked like the world was ending, all wide eyes and gaping mouth. He had to bite back the scornful laugh that wanted to crawl up his throat.
Xie Lian blushed slightly, “I-well-” he licked his lips, “I just want to say that they really are very good, but would you mind if I gave you some pointers? I’m not an artist, but I do know… some of those weren’t quite… right.”
“A-Lian, don’t.” He Xuan hissed, grabbing the back of his shirt, looking like he was ready to bodily throw him out of the range of any attack Hua Cheng was about to launch.
Hua Cheng, for his part, blinked dumbly, “You… what?”
Xie Lian forged on without noticing the danger he was in, “The form, your model is beautiful, but their form in some of your drawings don’t work. May I show you?”
Hua Cheng blankly pulled the sketchbook out again and handed it over, and the roommates watched as Xie Lian flipped through the pages, quick but careful, until he found one he was looking for, “See here,” he handed Hua Cheng back his sketchbook and pointed to the picture of the man in his dreams performing a sword dance, his finger never touching the graphite, “this is a very unnatural pose and the body can’t hold it like you’re showing, even if it is just an in between two positions.” He took Hua Cheng’s arm, pulling him toward the reflecting pool beneath the fountain and toed off his shoes, not caring about his pant legs getting wet as he walked in, “See, you would have wanted to draw them something like this.” And he began to move through the same forms that Hua Cheng remembered from his dream, lunging and weaving with an imagined blade, stopping in the same pose that was on the page, but not quite. Xie Lian was right, of course, he’d gotten the form wrong when he tried to recreate it from memory. This was what he’d meant to draw.
Xie Lian came back and craned his neck to look up at him, their height difference more pronounced with Hua Cheng still standing on the ledge above the pool, “See, they were close, but-”
“Can you show me others?” Hua Cheng cut him off, then flushed in embarrassment, “I mean- If you aren’t too busy and I’m not pulling you away from anything, would you mind correcting me with a few others that you found incredibly incorrect?”
Every time Xie Lian smiled, Hua Cheng felt like the world got brighter and he didn’t know how he’d made it this long without it, “Of course! May I?” he gestured to the book in his hands again, and Hua Cheng leaned down to look with him through the pages, watching Xie Lian’s face more than the face Xie Lian didn’t seem to recognize as his own. “This one here,” another few steps away to move through different steps, different forms.
It continued like that for hours until he’d gotten Xie Lian to do every pose in the book, and even added a new one. The crowds, and He Xuan, had disappeared for classes or work, but the pair remained, talking and getting to know each other. The black shadow that was his roommate made an appearance towards dinner time and scowled at both of them, “You’re still here? Can’t you leave him alone,” he growled at Hua Cheng, placing an arm around Xie Lian’s shoulders and rubbing gently, “Fuck, A-Lian, you’re freezing, where’s your coat?” he admonished.
“It’s over with my bag. I didn’t notice, we were having so much fun, it just-” Xie Lian sighed, slipping his shoes back on and going to slip his coat back on, full body shivers wracking his narrow frame.
He Xuan turned back to Hua Cheng and growled, “Leave him alone. He doesn’t need to deal with a creepy stalker like you on top of everything else he has on his plate.”
“Stalker? I’m not-” Hua Cheng huffed indignantly.
“I’ve seen inside that book of yours, Hua Cheng, I know you’ve been following him, obsessing over him. It’s fucking creepy and he doesn’t deserve someone like you messing up his life.”
“Is something wrong?” Xie Lian asked, popping back up beside them, his bag over his shoulder, and Hua Cheng was please to note that the smaller man seemed to stand closer to him than his roommate.
He Xuan sighed, “Nothing, A-Lian, it’s nothing. Qingxuan is wondering where you are, do you want a ride to their apartment?”
“Oh, no, I’ll be fine,” Xie Lian smiled, shaking his head, “You’re busy, don’t let me be any trouble-”
“It’s no trouble, you know that-”
“It’s not that far, anyway.” Xie Lian turned to Hua Cheng, “It was nice to meet you, I’ll see you around?”
“If you want, Gege, I’d be more than happy to see you again,” Hua Cheng agreed.
“Then I’ll see you- Oh.”
“Oh?”
The beautiful blush was back, “I don’t think you ever gave me your name.”
Hua Cheng laughed, “You can call me San Lang, Gege.”
“I’ll see you around, San Lang!” Xie Lian waved happily before hurrying off.
The roommates watched him go until he was out of sight up the stairs and then He Xuan shoved him hard, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Hua Cheng rubbed his arm, “What are you talking about, Asshole?” he growled, carefully returning the book to its place in his bag.
“What the fuck do you mean ‘what am I talking about’? Don’t you fucking dare come near him again!”
Hua Cheng snorted, crossing his arms, “I don’t think you get a say in it, A-Xuan .”
“Don’t call me that!” He Xuan yelled, swinging a hit at the smug taller man, who simply stepped aside, letting him splash into the water, stumbling at the elevation change, falling to his knees.
“And what are you going to do about it, A-Xuan ?” Hua Cheng purred, smirking down at him, “so what if we see each other again? What difference does it make to you who I might decide to be friends with?”
“You don’t have friends , asshole,” He Xuan hissed, sending a splash of water at him as he stood, “You can’t view anyone on the same level as you. You don’t have equals , you only have peons .”
Hua Cheng rolled his eyes, stepping away from the blind attack, uncaring, “That’s because everyone is beneath me. Get out before you get a fucking cold again, I ain’t dealing with your sick ass,” he scoffed, turning and walking away, keeping his pace slow until squelching soggy sneakers fell into step beside him.
“You’re an asshole,” He Xuan grumbled, shrugging his own bag back over his shoulder again, a blanket draped over top of it and tied at his throat as he started to shiver.
“And you’re an idiot,” Hua Cheng mumbled back, glancing over, “What do you want for dinner?”
“What, you’re gonna feed me now that you know I have info on the poor, defenseless victim of your creepy stalker fetish? No thanks. I ain’t getting bribed to tell you anything about him just for a shitty meal,” He Xuan huffed, followed immediately by a sneeze and a pathetic sniffle.
“I was being nice, but-”
“You’re never nice, it’s fucking creepy, so stop.”
“As I was saying . I was being nice, but since you didn’t want to be fucking civil for half a fucking second, you can forget about it. And don’t expect me to cover your half of the rent this month just because you decided to eat instead of getting a job.”
“I have a job, unlike your freeloading ass,” He Xuan mumbled with another sneeze, “And unlike your creepy demon ass, us humans actually need food to survive.”
“And yet, which one of us pays the bills?”
“That’s not the fucking point.”
“It actually is.”
“Shut up.”
“Make me.”
“Bite me.”
“I think I’ll leave that to Shi Qingxuan,” Hua Cheng chuckled, a smile still twisting his lips as he looked at his shaking roommate, “Speaking of, Gege spends a lot of time with that lover of yours?”
He Xuan groaned, “Don’t call him that. Don’t be so friendly, you’ve only known him for a few hours.”
“And yet, it feels like a lifetime.”
“Oh my god , you’re disgusting, you know that? Don’t touch him, don’t look at him, don’t even fucking think about him.”
Hua Cheng smirked, enjoying the sulking silence that radiated off his uncomfortable companion, only breaking it again when they reached the door of their building, “Dinner. What do you want?”
“You can’t cook, I cook,” He Xuan grumbled sulkily.
“I can cook, I just don’t like to ,” Hua Cheng corrected, “And I won’t turn up my nose to take out if that’s what your disgusting dumpster of a palette wants.”
“I’m still not telling you about him.”
Hua Cheng huffed and stopped trying again, leaving him at the elevator and taking the stairs, beating him to the apartment and making it to his room before the elevator had even made it to their floor. He listened to He Xuan shuffle his way around the apartment as he sat at his desk, the room only illuminated by the small lamp he’d turned on.
Xie Lian.
His love’s name was Xie Lian.
He had heard that voice call him San Lang outside of his dreams.
He spun in his chair with a stupid smile on his face, only allowing himself this moment of idiotic elation because no one else would be able to see him.
He’d finally found him.
He was real.
He… he wasn’t just a dream, he had a chance. He could…
He could what, exactly?
He hated to admit it, but He Xuan was right, he probably had made a really shitty first impression with the sketchbook and all that art of Xie Lian. How was he ever going to explain it? ‘Hey, I’m not stalking you, I swear. I’ve just been dreaming about you since I was a small child and this was the only way I could see you in the waking world.’ He’d sound like a lunatic.
He was lucky they’d had their conversation that afternoon without him being accused of being a lunatic.
…He Xuan was right, Xie Lian did need to be protected. The man was too trusting.
Hua Cheng could never let anything happen to him.
The world was a cruel place, he knew that better than most people. All it wanted was to snuff out any spot of light, and Xie Lian was the sun . If he was gone, his world would freeze.
He froze at the thought, staring wide eyed at the edge of his sketchbook where it poked out of his bag.
His devotion to an idea was only unhealthier now that it was attached to a real, breathing person.
He was beginning to spiral into self-hate and disgust, the very sight of the sketchbook that held his soul within its pages turning his stomach when his phone lit up with a tet notification. Welcoming the distraction, he picked it up and saw that it was from an unknown number.
A link followed a moment after and Hua Cheng could only stare at the words.
He really was too trusting.
Holy fuck, he was too pure for this world.
Of course he used emojis. The cute niave man used emojis.
And just insinuated he might be a porn bot.
What?
“Hey, A-Xuan!” he shouted, knowing He Xuan could hear him through their walls and the name would piss him off.
“Don’t call me that!” He Xuan screeched, throwing the door open to glower at him. He’d already changed out of his soaked clothes into dry sweatpants and a faced Phish t-shirt that had seen better days, “What do you want?”
“Your cute friend-”
“Stop calling him that!”
“Gege-”
“Not that, either!”
“Make up your mind! Xie Lian. Is he a porn star, cam boy?”
He Xuan’s face scrunched in disgust, “never insinuate that again!”
“So, if he’s not a pornstar, what stream did he just send me a link to?”
He Xuan groaned, leaning against the door frame, running a hand down his face, “Shi Qingxuan uses him as a model when he’s streaming, whether it’s clothes or showing off new makeup looks. He is always fully clothed. He’s never even had a boyfriend before. He isn’t that kind of person to walk around half naked, for money or otherwise.”
“So… he’s not a porn bot?” Hua Cheng asked, half to clarify and half to mess with his roommate.
“It’s insulting to him to even ask that.” He Xuan sighed, “why?”
“Because he just texted me an invite to the stream and when I told him not to send the link to random strangers, he told me that he could be a pornbot.”
“I didn’t even know he knew that word. He doesn’t even know how social media works. Qingxuan had to practically twist his arm to make an instagram last year.”
“He has an instagram?”
“Don’t you dare.”
It was too late, Hua Cheng was already searching instagram for the profile, starting on Shi Qingxuan’s page and going through the people the internet celebrity followed, a much smaller list than those that followed them.
He Xuan threw up his hands and left, slamming the door behind him, his curses toward Qingxuan audible through the wood.
Twenty minutes later and Hua Cheng was still doom scrolling, searching for any account that could be Xie Lian when another text notification popped up.
🍃:
WRU
Hua Cheng scoffed, swiping away the message as soon as he saw it was from Shi Qingxuan, trying to get him to watch their stream again. It was a common thing, happened almost every week, but they still hadn’t gotten the message he didn’t care. He had more important things to do. Like find out more about Xie Lian because He Xuan wasn’t going to tell him anything willingly.
Except that Xie Lian had just said he was going to be in a stream.
With Shi Qingxuan.
He almost threw his phone across the room as he tried to swipe to his messaging app and fumbled it.
“-on’t think he’s coming.”
The first words that hit him when the feed loaded were said by that voice in a disappointed tone he didn’t want to hear again.
Hua Cheng typed quickly to reassure him.
I’m here, Gege
He heard the happy laugh of Shi Qingxuan and the model’s smiling face ducked into view of the camera, “ Looks like you’re in luck, Dianxia! Look! Our Xue Yu Tan Hua is here!”
“Xue Yu Tan Hua?” Xie Lian asked, looking over his shoulder at the camera as well, “ San Lang?”
Hi Gege!
“ San Lang! Hi!” Xie Lian greeted, smiling widely at him, “ I didn’t think you’d actually tune in.”
How could I miss out on seeing you again?