Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Since I remember, isn’t there a chance?”

Loop blinks at you. “A chance of what?”

“A chance they'd all remember?”

“Who, your party? Oh, is that what you're worried about?” A dismissive wave, a little groan from the back of Loop’s throat. “Don't worry. You are, and always will be, the only one who remembers previous loops.”

It’s selfish, selfish, selfish to think. But you’re a selfish thing, and you think it anyway. How nice it would be if your family members could remember. Though, that’s putting a lot on them, isn’t it? Are you so needy that you want to claw them into your own spiral just because you’re lonely?

“Which is good news!” Loop’s hands clap together, and you abandon those selfish thoughts immediately after. “They won't have to suffer like you do! This pain is yours, and yours alone.”

You want to tell them that it’s also theirs, for some reason. 

But you wouldn’t know where the instinct to say that came from until much, much later.

You think you like the beach.

Maybe it’s just because it’s new terrain. Maybe something about it reminds you of home, in the back of your mind. 

It doesn’t do you much good to analyze that so closely.

Right now, you like the beach because it’s warm and cozy. It’s not hot - it’s still winter, after all, but Bambouche is right on Vaugarde’s coast, close to the equator. Even if you weren’t mandated to come here so that Pétronille could watch you all and decide whether she trusted you enough to travel with you and allow you to help with Bonnie, this would be a great place to spend a few months after your… event.

Stars. That was awful!!

But that’s not anything you have to worry about, now. It’s been two months and you’re fine. Not perfect, but good enough that you can have lazy afternoons on the beach like this. The sun’s out enough that you can stick your fingers and toes in the sand and lay down until you’re asleep. It’s not as weird to nap outside when the scenery is so different than the one you got sick of in Dormont.

You’ll never see that exact cloud pattern in the sky ever again.

There’s no telling how long you’ve been asleep for today, but the sun’s starting to creep towards the horizon. Which, considering the season, could mean it’s anywhere from three in the afternoon to seven. With creaking bones, you sit up on the beach and shake loose sand out of your hair. Your neck cracks a few times. 

Dull footsteps sound out from behind you, softened by the sand. On a good day, you can tell each one of your allies’ footsteps by sound, but the muffling throws off all your mental calculations.
Your arm swings past your hip so you can turn to look. It’s Mira! 

Thank the stars she wasn’t the one to wake you up. 

“Siffrin! You’re up!” She walks faster towards you as she realizes you’re conscious. “So, how was your nap? On a scale of one to ten??”

Things are great, lately. Naps are easy. So the answer is easy, because… 

“A ten,” you smile. 

Mirabelle gasps. “We finally did it, Siffrin…! We got the elusive ten out of ten score!!”

Hm?

It’s hard to remember, but…? You think you both talked about something similar on your first loop. Mirabelle only asked you to rank your naps once, the first time. And you… kind of remember saying it was a nine? And teasing her?

You’re overthinking this. She must have said something like that before the loops, and you just forgot. Something happening on the first loop versus the day before the loops is basically the same amount of time away from you. Remembering the difference is impossible, now.

“Anyway… we’re all going to dinner soon, remember?”

Ah. Right. You haven’t even started getting ready. Your guilt must show on your face, because Mira is laughing and helping you to your feet directly after. 

“Come on!! Bonnie was so excited about this!! We have a reservation and everything!!! Like fancy people!!!!” Her face is scrunched up playfully, and you can’t take the smile off your face as you follow her to the little seaside house you’ve been allowed to stay in while you catch your bearings. 

Even though Bonnie doesn’t stay in this house - they still live with Pétronille further in town - they’re bouncing around the living room, burning off their energy by jumping around Isa. 

“FRIN!!!” They groan, suspiciously teenager-like (oh, stars, they’re going to be a teenager soon) and performative. “Did you FORGET, AGAIN???”

“Sorry, they’re just excited.” Pétronille frowns at you. She’s been pitying you a fair bit after learning about your memory issues. Well - okay. That’s not pity. You’re not supposed to say that. She’s worried. Like everyone else. “We’ve never been to this restaurant since it’s expensive, but we’ve walked past it for years… are you sure this is - "

“It’s more than alright.” Odile walks out of her bedroom. She’s the only one with a room on the first floor, because of her knees and the stairs. 

“And if Dile says it’s alright, you know it is.” Bonnie puffs out their chest. “She’s froo-gal.”

“Do you need help upstairs, Sif?” Isa asks, because you don’t have the luxury of a downstairs bedroom. You’re still wobbly from your Craft exhaustion, but since you’re meant to build your strength back up, you need the practice.

You nod, and take the help. It doesn’t take you too long to get ready, since you’re not as fussy as Mira and Isa are about their appearances, but you take a moment to check in on Loop.

They’re still laying down in the guest bed. In some Craft-induced sleep for at least two weeks - you found them under Bambouche’s Favor Tree a month after your allies rented this house so you could recover from your Craft exhaustion here. You expected them to stay in the form you met them in, but… um. Well. They do look a lot like you. Human form and all.

Subtle differences, of course! Like how their eye scar isn’t as prominent as yours. And how their hair has a very soft brightness to it. The differences aren’t quite subtle enough to ward off questions from your allies - they still look shockingly similar to you. 

And you knew why that was, but nobody else in your allies did.

Ideally, you would have liked Loop to say what their whole deal was themselves. That’s a private admission, something they needed to have their own personal journey to learn how to admit. 

But they’ve been unconscious for weeks.

And everyone looked at you for answers.

So you sat them down and explained everything you knew.

Mira is angry once again, this time at Loop instead of you - that any of her friends would hide their own internal suffering from her for thousands of days. It’s the same half-resigned anger she pointed at your direction directly after the loops, before you properly apologized for what you said to her in your explosion. Now that you’re seeing the emotion directed away from you and at somebody else, it feels… less like she’s mad at Loop, and more mad at herself, for not being able to fix this.

Bonnie has so many questions. So many overwhelming questions. But you do your best to answer them in a way that keeps Loop’s privacy. Pétronille has the same questions, but softens when she realizes that this might mean something to you. As protective as she is of Bonnie, and as much as she’s testing the waters, she’s not been actively malicious or rude to you. 

Odile also has questions, but they’re mostly about finding out ways to help Loop be more comfortable in their Craft-induced slumber. Once the secret’s out, she doesn’t waste time teasing or arguing semantics with you. She knows this is important, and takes it seriously. You really do appreciate how she’ll drop the teasing and suspicion when she has all the answers and is just meant to work through a problem with you together.

Isa’s confused about where this puts him, and you are too. It didn’t seem like anything would change, at first, until Isa watches you fuss over Loop and makes a few assumptions. You’re still not sure if those assumptions are… true, but you can’t really figure them out until they’re awake. You’ve both put some distance between you until Loop comes to consciousness and you can all talk everything out. It's not important, right now.

“Sif, everything okay?”

Ah! You scurry out of the guest room, sheepish, and let Isa take you down the stairs. You can’t get too lost in your thoughts while you’re already late for a dinner reservation.

Once you’re downstairs, you catch Odile and Mira talking in the kitchen, as Mira wipes something sticky off the counter.

“Mirabelle, what do you think of this?” Odile slides a book across the counter, and Mirabelle curiously picks it up.

“Oh!!” 

“I thought we could try this one for our book club.”

“Our…” Mira tilts her head to the side, and then brightens. “Madame!! I had no idea you wanted to start a book club!!!”

“No, this sounds familiar to me…” Isa helps you down the last stairstep and lets you go, off to your own devices. “I’m tragically not invited. Girls only, right?”

“Then I could do it?” Pétronille squints at the both of them. She does this a lot - acts like she can ‘catch’ the rest of you into thinking that she’s not invited to things, that you’re thinking of her as temporary. 

And, hey! That’s your thing! She’s stealing your thunder.

“AH!! Of course!!” Mira, not catching onto Pétronille’s little trap, is just genuinely happy to allow her to join. “This is a horror novel so if that makes you uncomfortable we could probably find a different book, if you’d like - "

"Nah.” Already bored and disappointed Mira didn’t take the bait, Pétronille drops it. “I don’t read too much.”

There’s some light teasing in Pétronille’s direction at that, but you’re… not paying as much attention. You’re getting a huge wave of deja vu. Which!! Used to be something you got all the time, considering you were in a timeloop where the same thing was meant to happen over and over again, but here… you know you’re out of it. You’ve been out of it for a while. So why does everything feel so…

Bonnie grimaces up at you, unimpressed by your silence. “Geez, Frin, you’re so ta-see-turn.”

“Are you trying to say taciturn, Boniface?”

“Whoa, what a big-money word from the preteen.” Isa’s words are teasing, but he does seem genuinely proud and impressed.

“See?” Pétronille glares at everyone. “This is why they have to go to school. It’s important.”

“Oh, I didn’t learn that at school,” Bonnie says.

Everyone looks at Isa and Odile.

“Not me,” Isa says.

“I’m not a teacher,” Odile adds.

“I learned it in the… " Bonnie frowns, chewing on their lip. “Um. Hm. Maybe I don’t know where. I just knew it.”

“Spooky.” Isa’s quick to pick up the conversation again. “Anyway, uh, dinner? Aren’t we already late?”

Thankfully, dinner is so normal. Extremely so. It’s pretty fancy, more expensive than you went to when you were traveling around alone. More than when you were traveling around with your allies, too! Mira’s too nervous to flaunt around her Savior of Vaugarde privileges, but everyone in Bambouche knows you’re staying here, and the locals have spent a lot of time offering things to your group for making sure Bonnie was well taken care of.

You don’t tell the others when Pétronille complains under her breath about the town never caring much about their situation before Bonnie helped save the world.

And anyway, you’ve only taken them up on things Bonnie would enjoy. They have a lot to say about dinner, most of which are cooking terms you don’t really get, but you like to listen. Which you’re allowed to do, now that you’ve gotten a lot of the hard conversations after the loops out of the way. Everyone knows you’re quiet, and that’s not a problem to solve. As long as you’re not bottling things up, you’re free to eat your food and listen to the rest of them have conversations you’ve never heard before. 

It’s just… nice, to be here and exist around them.

After dinner, you’re helped upstairs once again. You fall into bed as soon as you’re done checking on Loop for the night. Even with a nap in the middle of the day, you’re tired lately. The Craft exhaustion is taking a while to fully leave you. Mira says that’s normal, given what you did. 

There’s lots and lots of sounds from the bathroom, as usual before Isa comes to go to sleep. Also as usual, you spend some time awake with the lights on to wind down before actually sleeping. It’s a habit you’ve formed because of him, watching him work on his sewing projects for about an hour before bed.

“Is that for me?” you ask, once you notice that the fabric he’s holding is suspiciously you-shaped.

“Whaaaaaat? No!” Isabeau sticks out his tongue, eyes still trained on the fabric and the needle he’s pushing through it. “Whatever would make you think that!!”

“What is it?”

“You won’t let me make a surprise present for you?”

“Well, it looks like pants.” You reach over and poke your finger into what is very obviously a leg hole. “So I’m guessing it’s pants.”

“Ah, you got me…! I thought I’d have it done by now, but backstitching just takes a long time.” He mumbles into the fabric, but it’s loud enough for you to catch what he’s saying. “And I don’t think I can do the same Crafting on your cloak, so… I did want it to be familiar to you in some way.”

“You stole my cloak and looked at it to steal the sewing techniques?”

“What? No.” Isa takes his eyes off the pants to look at you. “You showed me your cloak, remember?”

Well, you did, a lot of times. In the loops. But these two months have been a blur, so maybe you…

… 

No, there’s been too many coincidences today. You need to check.

“Isa, do you remember anything from the loops?”

“Huh? No.” He blinks. “That was the whole point, right?”

“Then - "

You’re about to ask why everyone’s been so weird, but as always you’re interrupted at exactly the wrong time.

A house full of your allies is nice, except when you want a moment to think something through.

But you can’t be too mad, because it’s Mirabelle’s voice at the end of the hallway, and she seems in distress. Or excited? It’s hard to tell with her, sometimes.

“Siffrin!!” There’s a frantic knock on your door. “Siffrin, Loop woke up!!”

AH.

“What about you then?”

“Oh, I don't count, stardust!” Loop looks down at you, condescending and all-knowing. “I'll always remember your mistakes. It's my job!”

"What do you mean you don’t remember anything?”

You don’t mean to ask the question so accusatory, but it definitely comes out that way with the way Loop winces in response. 

“… I, don’t, know you?” They frown. “I thought we established that.”

“I’m gonna go get M’dame from downstairs,” Isa offers, face pale, though he doesn’t move from his spot, “this seems really, really bad.”

Mira looks between you and Loop. “B-but, um, not to be rude, Siffrin does have trouble with their memory sometimes too, so…”

She’s right! It could totally be that, and not something worse that’s wrong with Loop. Right? Right??

“Why would, um, something about his memory have anything to do with mine?” Loop asks.

Oh stars.

“Do you…” Mira bites at a nail. “Do you know what you look like right now, Loop?”

“I didn’t know that was my name until you started screaming it five minutes ago.” Despite their loss of memory, they can still sass you out just as usual. “So. No?”

“I’ll get M’dame,” Isa decides, again, and you hear the door shut behind you. Ah, this must really be getting to him.

It’s getting to you, too, but if you think about that too hard you know you’ll dissolve into a puddle on the floor. 

“Come on, you really don’t remember anything??” You grip the sheets next to Loop, desperate for any kind of revelation.

“… There are a few hazy things - " Loop grimaces. “Don’t get too excited. It’s not much.”

Oh. Was your face doing something weird? You breathe in and out and try to stay calm. 

Mira nods, softly prodding them to continue. “Then… "

Loop sits there, eyes closed, thinking for a moment. And then two of them. They’re silent until you hear the door open behind you, two sets of footsteps cautiously walking through. It doesn’t deter Loop, but it does seem to slow down their processing. 

“… It’s kind of stupid?” They shrug.

“We can handle stupid.” Odile brings a chair to sit next to Loop’s bedside, examining them with a sharp gaze as they think and talk. 

“Uh, then, I kind of remember… waking up from a nap?” Their face twists up. “And… someone rated the nap? Which is weird?”

Mirabelle peeps in recognition.

“And, well, something about a girls-only bookclub…” Loop’s head tilts side to side as they think. “The word taciturn, for some reason?”

Odile hums, suspicious. 

“Once I think someone grabbed my clothes and started looking at the stitching, too?”

Isa’s silent, but the gears turn in his head.

“I thought something was weird, today,” you admit, turning to face everyone. “All of you kind of… remembered things you shouldn’t?”

“About the loops?” Isa asks. “Is that why you were worried tonight?”

Were you worried? Well, you don’t want them to remember things from the loops, that’s for sure. There’s awful, awful memories there. Your burden to bear. You’ve done your part talking about your problems, what’s bothered you most from the loops - although some of those admissions did have to be dragged out of you these past couple months. But the idea of your allies knowing the exact details in their mind as intimately as they would any other memory… 

… Your stomach hurts. 

“I-I understand, Siffrin, that those memories were supposed to be private.” Mira reaches over to soothe you. “But!! Um!! You said you were only mean in the last loop, so, I can’t imagine you said anything so rude that we would think any differently of you.”

“R-right! And if it’s anything bad, or traumatic, we wouldn’t blame that on you.” Isa’s eyes well up a bit, but he breathes it away. “It?? Might be weirdly good for you to share the hurt around???”

“Hi, hello, I’m the one infirmed and confused, can we get back to me?” Loop waves for your attention. “Why am I the one remembering out of your eye?” 

“So you’ve figured that out,” Odile says, impressed.

“It’s hard not to.” Loop gestures at your clothes. “They’re wearing the same thing in that memory. Big cloak, can’t really miss it? Anyway, why am I - ”

“Oh, oh, um, I’ll get you a mirror…” Mirabelle goes to the dresser and finds a hand mirror, holding it to her chest before offering it to Loop. “You’ll stay calm?”

“… From how you’re speaking, I have a suspicion.” Loop reaches for the mirror. “Give it.”

She gingerly places the handle into Loop’s palm. Their fingers wrap around it hesitantly, and they hold it up to themselves. They spend time looking at themselves, and then at you, silently comparing.

“So.” They place the mirror on the bed, glass-down. “I suppose I’m a clone of some sort?”

“Let’s not use that word.” Odile takes the mirror away and slips it into the nightstand. “Siffrin has been worried sick about you, there’s no need to develop an inferiority complex about yourself.”

“Oh, wow. I definitely feel better after that.” Loop’s expression suggests that they do not, in fact, feel better about that. “’Don’t worry, clone, we love you just as much as the other guy.’”

“B-but we do!” Mira says, and Isa grimaces.

“Maybe not the time for that, Mira?”

“I don’t even know your names,” Loop continues, snarling, “do you truly think this is going to go over well for any of us?”

“True.” Odile pauses, and offers her hand out. “I am Odile.”

Loop pauses, but takes her hand. 

“A-and I’m Mirabelle!” Mira picks up her smile. “But you used to call me Mira, so feel free to use either… "

“I’m Isabeau, you can pull whatever you want from there for nicknames.”

“And I’m - " You flinch. “We’re? Siffrin?”

“That’s going to be confusing.” Loop leans forward. “And you haven’t called me Siffrin this whole time.”

“Before, you told me to call you Loop, so…” You shrug.

“Might as well stick with that,” they agree. “It has just as much meaning to me as the name Siffrin. Which is none of it.”

Everyone disliked that. Grimaces across the board.

“Let’s… give Loop some rest,” Odile suggests, standing up and motioning for Mira and Isa to follow her.

You’ll follow in a second. Nobody forces you to leave, or questions your desire to stay at all. Not even Loop, who sits there in bed with their arms crossed, looking for some form of explanation.

“So are you here to kill the lesser clone?” they ask, super casually.

“No, Loop.” You won’t explain everything at once. That’s too much information for one afternoon while their brain is still waking up. “I missed you.”

Loop watches you silently. Calculating. They’re far enough removed from you that you never know what’s going on in their head, even if before their memory loss they could reasonably assume what you were thinking. You’ve never been so interested in Change, but this is the most obvious case of it, right? Someone so far removed from their original self - who just so happens to be you and that’s awkward - that they’re a different person entirely? Even with memories scrubbed and discarded, Loop certainly feels like they’re a different person at the base.

You think you’d act differently if you forgot who you were and woke up in bed to be fussed over. So what’s the difference between you and Loop, now? You know what caused the split, that’s obvious, but you don’t know why you’re both traveling in opposite directions.

A part of you worries you’ve lost Loop, and the person here will change into another person entirely. But you miss Loop! They’re the only other person who knows how you feel, deep down, and it’s nice to be known like that. That’s definitely codependent of you, but hey! Loop’s got a fairly big streak of that, too. 

But maybe as they remember the loops - and, stars, your allies are probably going to remember that too - they’ll get back to their old self.

Except, what if they don’t?

“So you’re here for freaky clone stuff instead?”

Ah, well. There’s your proof their personality is still here. You snort and help them to sleep. Tomorrow you’ll figure out what you’ll do about all this.

"Siffrin.”

You wake up on the couch, torn violently away from a nice, dreamless nap. Oh, stars, you didn’t realize you fell asleep. Everything with Loop lately is really… ha, wait, you need to say that one out loud.

 
“Didn’t mean to fall asleep,” you mumble, sitting up and wiping the sleep out of your eye, “been thrown for a loop ever since Loop woke up.” 

There’s no laughter or any scandalized reaction at the pun, so Odile must have been the one to wake you. You bring your head up and see her with a wine bottle under her arm and two cups in hand. She places it all on the coffee table.

“Thought I was banned from all that.” You haven’t been allowed alcohol since the loops ended. Not until your allies are certain you won’t fall into a dark pattern with it. 

“I’ll keep an eye out on you.” She pours you half a glass before making a full one for herself. “Thought it was hypocritical of me to have some after this memory without offering the same to you.”

You blink, and take the cup. “Did you remember something?”

That means Loop - 

“Don’t worry. I sent Mirabelle to check up on them. And Isabeau is comforting Boniface.” Odile downs half the glass in a few sips. “I don’t mean to frighten you. This is… a lot.”

You straighten your back. What could they all have remembered to get Odile this worried? Every awful thing that ever happened in the loops flashes before your eye. Your teeth dig into your bottom lip, nearly enough to draw blood. 

Odile keeps staring at you, steady and measured.

What did she remember?

“Siffrin.” She looks at you with haunting clarity. “Do you have any allergies?”

Oh.

You haven’t told them yet. But faced with the question, you get the feeling it was a bad idea that you haven’t. 

Which doesn’t make much sense, does it? It’s not like they remembered any of your more violent deaths. From the way she panicked, you assumed this was going to be about the time the King killed Bonnie, or the dozens of times you cracked your skull open in Dormont’s town square, or when you turned your own weapon on yourself. Not the pineapple thing!

Sure, Bonnie’s probably distraught that they fed something that hurt you, but you barely believed Loop when they said you were allergic. Bonnie couldn’t have known. 

Anyway, it’s just the pineapple memory. There’s nothing too grisly or gruesome about that, is there? That’s a death without blood. All that happened was you ate something, gagged, and fell over.

Why would Odile be so distraught over it that she’s brought you wine?

“I didn’t know I was allergic when I ate it,” you say, feeling the need to defend yourself.

“I… didn’t assume you did?” Odile squints at you. “It was upsetting to watch you die of anaphylaxis?”

Was it?

“But, I might be more upset now.” She’s already refilling her own glass. “If I understand what you’re implying properly.”

Busted.

“I do remember the anaphylaxis in multiple angles, so I wonder if it happened more than once.” 

“I kept forgetting,” you say, hiding your face behind your own glass. “You know me.”

“But that’s worse.” Odile huffs. “You understand that’s worse, don’t you? Being trapped for so long that you forgot a deadly allergy?”

“I forget a lot of things.”

“I… understand that.” Odile leans back in her chair, face tense. “I’m not trying to fight you. This is… "

You know, you know, it’s just as stressful for them as it is for you. You don’t want them to remember any of this because you know the knowledge is going to hurt them all. It was a comfort, when Loop said they’d never remember, and… it’s just an adjustment. 

You’re more concerned with their current memory issues than you are about learning they were wrong.

“I know you haven’t taken our offers for extra help,” she continues, in that way you have to remind yourself that she doesn’t resent you, “but… if there’s anything we can - "

“I’m f - "

“You’re not.” Odile stares at you. “You’re no longer in active distress, and I recognize that. I know what that looks like, now.”

Then she shouldn’t keep asking, you think to yourself, but that would be too rude to say aloud.

“But… we’re going to be remembering more upsetting things, by your reaction, and I know it might bring some of these… feelings back.”

Your stomach churns. You take a sip of the wine. It’s not enough to make you forget, but it’s something to do with your mouth that isn’t talking. 

Odile keeps a sharp eye on you. 

Judging.

You’re almost spiraled into thinking she hates you, when - 

“Is there any reason in particular you’re dreading us remembering everything?”

Is she kidding? How could you not dread it? All of them, remembering being trapped in the same two days, but this time without any agency over the situation. Not even the luxury of pretending like they had a chance of breaking out.

“It’s… ” You think of how to explain this without making her worry too much. “I mean, if you remember everything, it’s like you were trapped in the loops too, right?”

“Right…” She frowns, like this didn’t occur to her yet.

“And the one good thing about the loops was - "

Oh. Wait. That might be too honest.

“Was…?”

Stars. She’s leaning forward, serious. You’re not getting out of this one. Might as well spill it out before she drags everyone else in here to make you explain it to a group.

“The one good thing about the loops.” You take another sip of the wine. “… Was that I was the only person who had to do it?”

Odile stares at you, confused.

“B-because! You know! I knew what I was doing, I just needed to do it less bad,” you say, the words just falling out now that Odile’s watching you horrified, “and I don’t want you to deal with that.”

“… If you’re worried about us having to experience the loops,” she says, speaking slowly as not to startle you, “why does that not extend to yourself?”

Well, that’s…

… That’s because it’s you, isn’t it? You can handle it? And you did! You had issues, at the end, but for the vast majority of the loops you were fine, weren’t you? All that happened was you got annoyed, and jaded, and led yourself down bad pathways, but it was fine! You’re here now and it’s all over!

“I only broke down at the end? So it didn’t - "

Odile takes another big sip of her drink.

“We are going to keep talking about this. Later.” She puts her glass down, realizing how far she’s going. “You’re not in trouble, it’s… upsetting me. The way you seem to think about this.”

You grimace. “Maybe I should see the doctor Mira wanted me to visit.”

“Which doctor?” 

“The… brain one?”

“That’s a therapist, Siffrin.” Odile perks up. “You said you didn’t want to go. And I trust you with that decision, it’s yours to make, it’s just… "

“I guess, if me talking casually about the loops has you this upset…” You gesture to the wine. “… then. I don’t know. I don’t get why it’s upsetting, and if someone else would know, then it’s more worth it.”

“Well, Siffrin.” She snorts. “We’re worried about you?”

You know, you know, it’s just… you didn’t think it was that bad. And you’re still not sure if it is or not. Might as well get a third-party opinion about it, one that’s not shaded with your allies’ personal feelings about you. 

“But if my embarrassing little breakdown helped you realize that just a bit more, then I count that as a win,” she says, simply.

A very evil smile forms on your face. “Odile, it sounds like you’re doing the same thing as me.”

“What, social self-sacrifice?” She laughs. “I’m not blowing the world up over it, Siffrin.”

Okay. It does make you feel better that she’s well enough to make little jabs at the event, now. It makes it seem less… world-ending. Despite the fact you could have very easily ended the world with it.

You’re still not sure how to deal with everyone knowing everything you went through, but… you’ll find a way to deal with it.

Probably.

“So, we’re reckless.” Loop huffs, drinking their broth. Their stomach’s still too delicate to keep up any solid foods. “I seem to be remembering multiple instances of that pineapple death.”

“We have a bad memory even without - " You gesture around them. “ - all this happening.”

“What, did we get knocked upside the head as a child?”

Ha. Something like that. You almost laugh.

 
“I remember something about a banana, too, but nobody’s come running about that.” Loop hums, watching you with suspicion. “They must not have seen it.”

“Guess not.”

“… What if I told them?” they ask, eyes narrowed into a threat. 

You’d hate that, but you force your face into neutrality. The more you look like that would bother you, the higher of a chance Loop will actually follow through with it. 

“It’s your choice,” you say even though you don’t know if you’d recover if they did. But if you’re calm about it, they won’t go for it.

Or maybe they would.

They might call your bluff.

Loop was always good at reading you, even if they couldn’t tell exactly what you were thinking. So if they can decode how you really feel about this, maybe…! Maybe they’re getting themselves back?

“Boo.” Loop puts the bowl back on their nightstand and lays down in bed once again. “You’re no fun.”

You should be relieved that Loop’s backing off, that you get to keep a memory to yourself, but…

It just makes you miss them more, even if they’re right in front of you.

“Frin?”

Bonnie’s standing in the doorway, holding a bowl full of something. They’re… acting really shy? That’s not like them at all. You wave them over and they rush into the room to sit next to you. The bowl lands in your lap, and you realize it’s - 

“Oh!” It’s kettle chips. You love these because it’s like eating glass. 

Despite it being made of potato, you can barely taste the gross, weird starchy texture that normally comes with them.

You throw a few into your mouth and it only hurts a little bit when you chomp down.  Bonnie must have made these especially for you, because they’re spicier than when they make things that Mira or Isa also has to eat. Not that you chase spicy food like Odile tends to, but it’s nice especially on fried things.

Bonnie scoots up next to you as you eat, and steals a few chips out of your bowl. You, of course, allow this. They made the food, after all. They’re entitled to as much of it as they want.

“Um. I’m sorry,” they say, after a long stretch of silence, leaning their head on your shoulder shyly. 

Oh, no. This is about the loops.

Stay calm, you don’t know what they’re upset about yet!! “For what?”

“I was a real crab to you, that one time.” They pull on your cloak as they talk, in a way you wonder is soothing for them. “With the, um. When I said I hated you and you shouldn’t touch me. ‘Cause I don’t think that now.”

Oh. That.

Your botched attempt at comforting them during snack time.

Well, yeah, it did bother you when that happened, but… you can get over it! It only happened the one time, and much, much worse stuff happened in the loops, so…

… So you should be thankful that Bonnie’s not remembering anything more intense. And you are. Though it feels like the shoe will drop on that any moment. Still, you were the one that hurt Bonnie in that moment, they shouldn’t have to come here apologizing to you. 

“Bonnie, that’s - "

“You’re gonna say ‘it’s okay’ but I know you’re wrong.” They pout at you. “It’s not okay to tell someone you hate them like twenty crabbing times in a row!!!! Especially when they were already going crazy.”

“You didn’t know I was going crazy,” you say, in a singsong teasing way to lighten the mood.

This does not work.

In fact, you get the sense you just made this worse, from the look on their face.

“Frin.” Bonnie huffs, the same way Odile does when she’s trying to explain a basic concept to someone. “Even if you weren’t going crazy, wasn’t it really REALLY bad of me to say all that?”

“It - "

“IT WAS!” Bonnie’s face twists up in guilt. “Now I know why you were so mean to ME at the end, I - "

“W-wait, wait, wait!!” No, no, they can’t think that the reason you yelled at them was because of something they said!!! “I-I would have done that even if you didn’t - "

“You WOULDN’T HAVE!!” Their eyes wiggle a bit, and you know tears are coming, and if tears come you won’t be able to stop from crying either - “I told you that you should DIE!! And that I DIDN’T CARE!!!! When you were ALREADY DYING A HUGE BUNCH!”

You both watch each other, wide-eyed, on the edge of crying. Gently, you set the bowl of chips down. Bonnie scoots closer, their shoulders touching your side, and you don’t call attention to the big obvious tears falling out of their face.

“I do care if you die. I don’t want that.”

“I’m good now,” you say, surprised at how true that is coming out of your mouth.

“A-and I don’t hate you.”

“M-hmm.” You stuff down the fluttering feeling at hearing such a genuine admission from the not-a-preteen-much-longer.

“And now it makes sense that you got so mad that you yelled at everyone and was awful.” They lean into you further, seeking comfort. “’Cause it means you were so upset that you needed to yell and scream about it.”

“… Yeah.” 

“Also are you going to crabbing hug me or not?” Bonnie pouts at you. 

Pfft. Okay. That’s what they were doing. Not like you were going to hug them when the memory of the event you’re talking about is so fresh in your brain, so it’s nice to have a direct invitation. You turn and hook an arm around them, and they bury themselves into your torso. 

And then there’s silence. Only in words, since you can hear Bonnie’s muffled whimpers below your chin. You do the same thing you did in the loops and awkwardly pat their back as they hug you. It gets them to hold you tighter, and you wonder if that’s something Pétronille does, if it’s something they read as comforting. 

As you’re holding Bonnie, Mira walks past the doorway - ah, right, there was a lot of yelling in here. You shake your head and shrug. You've got this! She nods, and leaves to give you space.

Sure, this conversation would be easier if you had help, but… you think it would help Bonnie more if it came from you, not filtered from anyone else. Even if it’s clumsy and imperfect. You’re not going to offload your problems onto someone else just to keep Bonnie liking you. That’s… not good for you in the long run.

You probably should have gone to see that brain doctor before attempting this, but, hey! You can figure it out, right?

But, first, you let them hug you as long as they need. The sounds of sniffling die down after a few minutes, and they pull backwards, rubbing their face. Before you register that you’re doing it, you reach forward and wipe away some of the tears more gently, causing them to sniffle again and swat your hands away embarrassedly.

Ah, preteens.

“Okay.” Bonnie takes a big breath in, and out. “I’m normal now.”

Alright, that gets a laugh out of you. But not too much of one, because you do need to check on Bonnie. 

“Listen, Bonnie, it’s no hard feelings.” You’re pushing your luck, but you do give them a little comforting squeeze. 

Luckily, that works! They hold you tighter in response. “Nille freaks out if you touch her wrong and I always thought it was weird but it was fine because she was my sister but I guess I can also freak out too???”  

“Bonnie, it’s okay if - "

“No, no, I know!!” They take in a breath. “It’s just. I didn’t know that about me.”

You hum in acknowledgment. 

“… I think it’s scary,” they admit, after a long stretch of silence, “that I’d just do that.”

That… makes sense. You’re no stranger to learning something weird about yourself and then spending lots of time beating yourself over it afterwards. It’s not a habit you necessarily want Bonnie participating in, but it is… something you can understand.

“You only did it once,” you say, in the most soothing voice you have on offer.

“I guess.” Bonnie sighs out. “But I like hugs.”

“Most people don’t like hugs when they’re in the middle of yelling, maybe?”

“Maybe.” Bonnie pries themselves off of you and watches you sternly. “Why’d you only call me Bonbon sometimes?”

“We, uh, only had that conversation sometimes?”

“But - DUMMY, I told you that…” They breathe in, out, and lower their own volume. “I said it was okay for you to use it. So you should have used it.”

“Wouldn’t you think that was weird, not knowing about the loops?”

“Well, yeah.” Bonnie pokes you a few times. “But then I would have figured out you were going to forever school and then I could have fixed it!!!!”

“Ah, I see.” You smile. You definitely would not have let that happen, but it’s nice to think about a world where Bonnie caught you and forced you to talk. If anyone could guilt you into saying your real feelings, Bonnie’s pretty high up on the list. Even if you have to filter out your feelings into preteen-safe language.

“So.” They huff. “If you’re not mad at me then maybe, uh…”

“Maybe…?”

Mimicking you from back when you had a hat, Bonnie pulls the brim of theirs past their own face. “It’s fine. We can be done talking.”

Oh, no. If you can’t eject out of conversations just because you have trauma, Bonnie can’t either. You frown and tap the top of their hat. “Bonnie…”

“It’s fine!! We talked about it and now you know I don’t hate you and I guess it’ll take longer for you not to hate me back.” Bonnie stands up and starts making for the door.

“Wait!!” You scurry after them. “Bonnie, Bonnie, I don’t hate you.” 

“Then why don’t you - " They take in a sharp breath, refusing to finish the sentence. 

But.

Well.

They’re not being that sneaky about what they’re hiding, either.

“Bonbon, I don’t hate you,” you say, grinning cheekily.

They let out a loud groan. “SEE!!! YOU MADE IT WEIRD!!! AUGH!!”

“What am I making weird, Bonbon?” You’re still smiling wide. “Are you okay, Bonbon?”

“FINISH EATING YOUR CHIPS!!!! SO THAT I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING AT YOU AND SO I CAN TAKE THE BOWL BACK DOWNSTAIRS!!!!!!”

You laugh, and grab the bowl of chips. Bonbon takes a few from you, chewing on them to calm themselves down. Lots of chip crumbs get in the bed, but that’s fine. It’s nice to sit with Bonbon like this. They’re a little less sassy and adversarial to you. As much as you don’t want your allies to remember anything from the loops, it seems like the context of knowing exactly what happened seems to help them know how to navigate this.

You just hope that everything will be fine once they start remembering scarier things.

But if you prepare everyone else for that memory, maybe, you’ll all be equipped enough to help Bonbon through that one. Might be a good idea to rope Mira and Isa into a talk about that, soon. Until then, you’ll talk with Bonbon normally, a calmness settling into you once you realize this is how it used to be, before you lost your eye. 

Building relationships back up, and all. 

“Hey, hey. Since we’re talking about the loops.” Bonbon squints up at you. “What was that thing I wasn’t allowed to see? In the room with all the drawings??”

You bite down so hard on a chip that you crack a tooth and have to immediately go to House Bambouche’s infirmary.

“A soft spot for kids,” Loop says, finally lifting themselves out of bed for the first time since they woke up. “Who knew.”

“I heard you’ve been asking for them.” So obviously Loop also has a soft spot for them.

“That’s just because they bring food,” they say, an obvious lie, “I couldn’t care less about the kid themselves.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m serious!!” They grimace at you. “All of the food they bring is your favorite, anyway.”

“Do you not like it?”

“……………………………………… I - "

It doesn’t matter what they’re about to say next. The pause gives them away. You’re smirking. You know you are.

“Hey!! I could have said anything!!!”

“Sure you could have,” you say, laughing, “sureeeee.”

Isa’s not talking to you today.

He’s not even looking at you.

So you can take a fair shot at what he suddenly remembered.

He took the wet laundry and ran outside to put it on the line. You know it’s so that he doesn’t have to be in the same house as you. Too bad for him, because!! If you’re not allowed to let your dumb feelings stew and explode, he’s not allowed to either. Especially if those feelings involve you. 

So you walk outside as he’s throwing some sheets over the line. He tries to ignore you, at first, until it’s clear that you didn’t come out to sit on the beach, but to talk to him specifically. Then, he turns to you, nervous, not looking you in the eye but also not fully ignoring you.

“Isa, I’m s - "

“No! No, you don’t need to, um, apologize.” He hides behind one of the bigger pieces on the line, but the wind flutters it up anyway. He can’t stand to look at you. “I should be flattered? I think? That you went crazy and impulsively kissed me over it?”

“You ‘should be?’”

“… I don’t know.” Isa speaks through his hand, the words mumbled but still clear enough for you to hear. “When you told me about it on the roof, I didn’t think it was like that.”

A disgusting part of you wants to say I-told-you-so, but you care enough about Isa not to say that out loud. 

“And, ah, we should talk about this later.” He smiles at you, and it doesn’t look fake, but you get the idea it might be. “I don’t want to, like, accidentally influence you? Since you’re still figuring out how you feel?”

Yeah, you still haven’t given him an answer yet… with Loop coming back missing their memories, and all your spare attention on them, you probably won’t have one for even longer. It’s not a big focus right now? It’s not even a focus for him, you don’t think - he’s dedicated to making sure you’re not going to hurt yourself or spiral down further. He does that as your friend, though, which you do appreciate. Prolonging your answer to him doesn’t bother either of you.

But you can still apologize and talk through this event with him. Outside of anything romantic. Right? That’s the mature thing to do.

You reach into the laundry basket and pull out a shirt. You flap it out and pull two pins out and hand it all to Isa, since you’re not tall enough to reach where he set the line up. “I don’t want to, uh, put it off.”

“Aw, well, thank you.” He takes the set from you and pins it, happy that he has something to do with his hands while you’re talking about this. “… I mean, first off. I know you wouldn’t do that if everything was normal and you weren’t stuck in a timeloop.”

Maybe you would if he kept chickening out of telling you for long enough, but you can’t even be that mad at him either. It was the same day he kept doing it, it’s not as if he was actually withholding that information for months in real, linear time.

“It’s… just.” He grimaces. “I think when I remember it, I’m remembering it with my feelings from that moment? And that version of me didn’t know what was going on.”

“Isa, even if you knew, it wouldn’t be weird if you were grossed out by that.”

“Grossed out?” Isa props his hands on his hips, all overdramatic, still trying to convince you that he’s not as bothered as you know he is. “Sif, that’s not what I was feeling. It’s. Like. Waaaaaay more complicated than that.”

“Fine, then I don’t think it’s weird if you have waaaay more complicated feelings even with context.” You hand him another piece of wet laundry. “Probably makes them more complicated.”

“Ha, you got it!!” He takes it, and by the time it’s pinned up his shoulders are lower and he’s not performing as much. “… When you described it I just thought it was. A kiss that was bad? I didn’t think you would have just. Gone in there for it.”

“Sor - "

“Hey, Sif? Let’s do apologies after we get through this. It’ll take us, like, a million years otherwise.” He picks up the next piece by himself. “I - I’m really not mad. I don’t even think I was mad back then! Give me a second to figure out how to explain it.”

He’s silent as he pins up one of Mira’s dresses. You give him the time to organize his thoughts, focusing on watching him work. Isa’s really so careful with everyone’s fabrics, you wonder how nobody ever guessed he wanted to go into fiberwork. Maybe you should have paid more attention to him before being sucked into a timeloop.

Eventually, Isa breathes in, preparing himself. “Okay. It’s like. What if I wanted a dog?”

“… Do you?”

“Not really?” He shrugs. “But pretend I want a dog for this. I’ve spent sooooo much time researching breeds of dog, and whether I want a puppy or to rescue an older one, what I’ll need to keep the dog happy - "

“………………… Isa, am I the dog?”

“No? It’s - it’s a metaphor for like. A relationship.” Isa reaches in the basket for a pillowcase and shakes and slaps the excess water out. “Anyway, I’ve spent so much time thinking about this dog, right? And then someone walks up to me and gives me a dog, no warning.”

The metaphor still doesn’t make that much sense, but you nod.

“Even if it’s the exact dog I was dreaming up in my head, it’s… it wasn’t on my terms, you know?” The pillowcase goes on the line, and he smooths it out with a soft look on his face. “Like. I’m happy the dog is here. I still want the dog. But it feels like I didn’t choose the dog anymore, someone just threw a dog at me. Does that help?”

… It is making more sense, as you think about it. 

“And, it’s like. I’m not going to just give the dog up because I met the dog in a bad way.” Finally, Isa looks at you again, a little less ashamed of himself. “But it’s going to take me longer to get used to the dog. Does that… help?”

“I think so.” Now you’re having trouble looking at him. “You still want the dog?”

“Might take a little longer than I thought at first, but… I think so.” He gives you a wobbly smile. “It’s… not fine, that you did that, but I also can’t be mad at you because of the circumstances. I think it won’t matter as much the farther we get away from it.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“Okay, I’ll let you say sorry once.” Isa reaches down and wipes off his wet laundry hands on the driest towel he can find in the basket. “Can I get you in for a platonic hug?”

You’ll take a hug, easy. It’s amazing how much you’ve adapted to this since the loops ended. All of your allies hug differently, and Isa’s the most awkward to hug because of his height and your not-yet-fully-established relationship. This time, it’s a lot easier. The feelings attached to the hug aren’t eating you alive, now.

And then Isa coughs above your head, nervous. “……… And then, also, it’s like a second dog fell from the sky a month later that looked so much like the first dog but slightly different - "

“ISA.”

“I know, I know.” He pulls away from the hug to look at you seriously. “… I don’t know what this is going to look like, with that extra curveball, but I do want you to know I’m open to talk through anything.”

“Sorry for making this long and complicated,” you mumble before he can tell you you’re not allowed to apologize again.

“Oh no!! I have to hang out, platonically, with one of my best friends??” Isa drapes an arm over his forehead, dramatic. “I’m wasting away, Sif. I’m never recovering from this. You’re killing m - "

You feel yourself shrink away, and Isa immediately realizes his mistake.

“Crab, sorry!! I was joking, I don’t think that!!” He pulls away from your hug entirely, but squeezes you on the arms lightly on his way out. “… I love you in more than one way, Sif, you’re not denying me anything by taking your time.”

You nod, hesitant.

“……… Now, can you help me with the rest of this laundry, and then see if we can go dig a huge hole in the sand with Bonbon?”

That sounds like an amazing idea. 

“Wow, we were so impatient over that?” Loop grimaces as you help them with their physical therapy exercises. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

“That’s just because you don’t know him,” you say, hoping your face isn’t too dark.

“He came up here apologizing to me after he remembered.”  

“And thats? A bad? Thing?”

“It makes him a pushover.” Loop tsks. “And why does everyone think there should be something happening between the two of us?”

You shrug. Your feelings and relationship with Loop weren’t ever so solid, the fact you’re out of a timeloop and they’re in a body that looks like yours isn’t going to make anything about you two less complicated and weird. 

But, you’ve been told you’ve got lots of time to figure that out. 

“What would you do if I stole him,” Loop says more than asks, in their most incendiary tone. 

Ah, right. Of course they’d try to mess up everything about both your lives. You’re not going to be shocked or weirded out by their behavior here. After all, it’s practically the same thing you did in your last loop, and that didn’t end relationships or make everyone hate you forever. 

Still, you shrug, staying neutral. “Nothing?” You know it wouldn’t work anyway. 

Loop stares at you, huffs, and then continues to try walking in a clean circle. They immediately knock into the bed again, cursing their own depth perception. You’re forced to leave the room while they yell themselves out.

Mira’s been acting weird, too.

Maybe she was like this when she lived in the House? You’re not sure. You didn’t know her back then. But she’s in House Bambouche every day, signing up for every class she can get her hands on. She’s out of your sight more than she’s in it, most days, and… that feels bad! You can say that without any hesitation!

You assume you’re being clingy, missing her, but then Isa and Odile comment on it too. So it’s not just you, so it’s not weird to think! You ask both of them if they remembered anything that would upset her, and they both shrugged and said nothing more awful than what’s previously come through popped up. Loop doesn’t admit to any particularity scathing memories around Mirabelle, either. 

So you’ll have to ask directly from the source. 

Come on, Siffrin, you’re not feelings buddies with her without a reason. She’s usually the one prompting you for your feelings, but it’s time you started reciprocating that. Especially if she’s in distress. 

You feel like a parent waiting to catch their teenager that snuck out, with the way you’re sitting in the living room with one candle lit all night, in your sleepclothes with one big fluffy robe draped across you. 

She doesn’t come back to the house until one in the morning, which does not make the scenario feel any more normal.

“AH! Siffrin!!” She jumps at the door once she notices you’re there. “What are you doing up so late?”

“What were you doing out of the house so late?” you ask, turning the question back on her. 

She doesn’t take any offense to it yet, but laughs a little too loud. “Well, um, I-I was just at the House, there was this really nice, um, augury class, and… "

Isn’t that about birds? “Don’t birds only come out during the… day?”

“Th-there are night birds!” Mira pauses. “Um. Not a lot near the coast like this, but… "

Ah. She’s definitely lying. But you’re not mad at her for it, you’re just… worried. Mira’s not made of glass, but you know these memories must be hitting her harder than anyone else.

“I-I know.” She takes a deep breath in, and out. “I’ve just… had lots of work to do at the House. And I take all of it, even when I don’t have to, because…”

Oh, is this not about the loops after all? “Because… ?”

“… You won’t feel guilty if I tell you?”

Mission already failed. 

“Aah, um, from the look on your face…” She lets out a soft laugh. “It’s not something you did! It really isn’t, and with the context of the loops I’m barely mad about what you said to me in the last one anymore, those were obviously extenuating circumstances and - "

“Mira.” She’s spiraling already. This isn’t good. “Did you remember spoilers??”

She shakes her head. “W-well, I did, but not this time - but, aah, we should probably talk about those later too? If that’s okay?? But it’s… something else.”

That’s… weird. It’s not that? 

“It’s not… anything specific.” She sucks in a sharp breath. “Except the part where we met the Change God, that’s… um… wow, I’ll be thinking about that FOREVER!!” 

You shut your mouth and don’t tell her about the part after she left, where the Change God insulted you and admitted they liked to watch you suffer. That’s just for you to be surly about. 

“It’s just.” Mira sighs. “I always say the exact same thing, every time. In all of these memories.”

Oh.

“And I know everyone else is doing that too, but…!” She finally walks across the room to sit next to you. Now that she’s closer and the candlelight actually hits her face, you can see how distressed she is. “I-I don’t know why it’s bothering me. Or, I mean, I do know, it’s just… I thought I’d be better, somehow?”

She’s not leaving you a lot of space to speak, so you don’t. You nod along, not zoning out this time. 

“B-because! Even Madame Odile said a few things different, when she caught you, and Bonnie’s calm half the time and not-calm the other half, and Isabeau looked at you differently the longer you were in the loops… “ Mira takes in a sharp breath, as if the admission pains her. “But no matter what, no matter what conversation we had together, I’m just… the same. In all of them.”

She bows her head down and screws her eyes shut.

“I say the same things, I have the same problems, the same ideas, I don’t notice anything new or strange… "

Mira takes in a big sniffle. She’s holding it in.

“A-and even if. Even if the Change God told me that it was okay to stay the same sometimes.” Her eyes wiggle, like a glass of water overfilled enough to only be held together by surface tension. “It just. Bothers me. That I never, ever changed in the loops. Not even a little bit, in reaction to something slightly different.”

You would have never noticed. It was more annoying than relieving when people changed up the script, so the fact Mira didn’t do that… it made her feel safer. But you didn’t even think about how she wouldn’t take it like that.

“And I know!! I know there are more important things for me to worry about!” She gestures, palms-up, to you. “Like you!! Aah, you were having such a bad time and we never knew!”

Well, yeah, you know you were having a bad time now, but that doesn’t make it any easier for Mira, right?

“But - and I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but everyone understands why you’re upset, now, and…” She pauses. “… And I don’t think my problems are as. Rational.”

“Mira - "

“And if you’re going to tell me that it is rational to be self conscious about repeating myself in a timeloop, where THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT YOU’RE REPEATING YOURSELF, then…! Then… " Mira wipes at her eyes. No tears come out until her hand falls away from her face. “… Then that would be very kind of you. But it doesn’t make me believe it any more.”

“… Mira.” 

“I just needed to vent, I think!!” She’s smiling even with the obvious tracks of tears falling down her cheeks. “And now I have so I’m okay! Thank you for listening, Siffrin!!!”

“Mira.” You grab your hands and squeeze them. “Breathe with me?”

At first, she doesn’t breathe at all. She just cries, shoulders heaving as she gets it all out. There’s not a lot you can do for this part - Mira needs to do this, to burn the energy off, but it looks like the kind of crying where she needs space for it. After a few minutes, she slows down, and looks towards you to follow your breathing rhythm. It takes a few tries - halfway during her first breath she dives right back into tears, but after enough time she’s back to being stable.

Not… happy. Not yet. But maybe you can help with that.

“… Thank you, Siffrin.” She reaches up to dry her face. “It doesn’t make any sense for me to be sad about this.”

“It… does?” You squeeze her hands again, frowning. “Your whole… everything is about Changing?”

“Well, yes, but it’s not as if I could control it!!”

By the look on her face, she wants to be able to, though. 

And… she is wrong. There were times where she broke her own script. Everyone did! But it’s not like you were counting who broke their script the most times. It’s not really about whether she did it or not, it’s about how it affects her feelings.

So, as her feelings buddy, it’s your job to decode this, right?

“… I - " Mira’s voice breaks in her throat. “It’s just such a. Dumb thing to be worried about. Considering you went through worse.”

“Y-you’re still allowed to feel bad, though?” You feel so rusty trying to walk her through this. It’s like you’re parroting everything people said to you when you were getting out of the loops, which feels… lazy. “And it’s not your fault! That you, uh, went through it.”

“It’s not yours either,” she says, pouting, anticipating your next sentence.

Drat, you’ve been caught. 

“So if it’s not my fault, and it’s not your fault…” You raise a brow at her.

“… I know.” She sniffles. “I might just need. Um. Some extra help. Thinking through this. Because, it’s, um, it… feeds into everything else I’ve been worried about for a while. It just… hit me in a sensitive place, I think.”

“I’ll always listen, Mira.”

“I know you will, Siffrin!!” She takes in another big sniffle, steadying her breath. “I don’t want to do it right now. It’s… very late. And I think I want to, um, take notes before talking about it? Organize my thoughts a little bit?”

You nod. She can take as much time as she needs. You’ll wait however long it takes.

“There is one thing I want to ask you about, while we’re talking about… faith.” Mira’s tone turns more serious. “There were a few times where you would say something, and… I think it was about what you believe in? A-and I never asked, I thought you were joking, but if it happened more than once, over multiple loops… "

Oh. Yeah. Nobody ever believed you that much about the Universe, or the stars, or anything. Even though the King openly believed in the same thing. But when you said it, nothing stuck.

“… So, I am sorry about that. Not taking it as seriously as I should.” She huffs to herself. “It’s late, but, um… I’m not actually all that interested in augury, I can drop the class and we can talk about faith instead? Together?”

“We, um.” You gesture your head towards the front door. “We can see it right now? Real quick? And then you can go to bed, but - "

Mira stands up immediately. “What! What do you mean, we can see it right now?”

Oh, so you’re doing this now.

Okay!!! Alright!!!! You’ve never stargazed with Mira before. This is new territory. Even though you’re tired and about to pass out on your feet, you bring her outside. You point upwards, reciting everything your brain allows you to remember that night. Mira nods, and promises to write down whatever she can so that you have as much of a record of your faith as possible.

She’s so nice.

You’re both found on the beach early next morning, asleep in the sand. The night after, Mira drags everyone outside to watch the stars with the both of you again, excitedly nodding along with your explanations. And she ends up asking more about it as the days go on!  Which… helps you keep it in your mind.

You owe a lot to Mira.

“I think she’s my favorite,” Loop says, walking to the bottom of the stairs for the first time.

“Don’t tell Mira that.” They’re lucky you’re both home alone right now. “She’ll fight you.”

“That’s why she’s my favorite. Because she’s not trying to be.” They look around the living room, casually scoping it out. You realize they haven’t seen any of this house past the little room they’ve been holed up in. “Everyone else has come up here, trying to help me remember, and she just… hung out?”

“They just miss you.”

“I know.” They look at the bookcase and start randomly plucking objects off of it to inspect. “I still appreciate that she’s doing something different.”

“… She’d probably want to hear that.” Considering how horrified she was about replaying the same thing multiple times without realizing it. 

Loop pulls a book off the bookcase, pretends to read it, and forces it back into place with an audible snap. It’s loud enough to make you flinch in place. They look at you over their shoulder, with the same cold, calculating look they used to have when their head was a star.

“I don’t have the same relationship to her as you do.”

… You want to be happy that Loop seems to be more Loop-ish lately, but… they can still scare you pretty badly when they get this aggressive. And you never know what to say in response.

It’s not like you get a chance to say anything, anyway, because Loop crosses the room and starts walking back up the stairs.

“I can - "

“I don’t need your help,” they say, and walk up three steps before pausing.

They grimace, and turn to you.

“Yes, actually, I do need your help. But you aren’t allowed to speak to me during it.”

Your mouth puckers as you try not to laugh at their threat.

“Stardust.”

Loop’s standing at the edge of the beach, waking you up from another sand nap. They’re still in those funny little bird-printed pajamas Mira went out to grab for them to make them feel welcomed. 

It didn’t work. But they still wear them.

… It can’t be too comfortable for them to wear those on the beach, so something must be wrong.

You wipe at your eye and sit up in the sand, and it’s only then that you realize that Loop hasn’t called you Stardust since they woke up with their memories erased.

So that means - 

“Loop - "

They stomp towards you, sand kicking up as they approach. “When were you planning to tell me you were the copy?” 

You don’t think of either of you as a copy, it was just - they were already so overwhelmed, there wasn’t a good time to tell them that they were the ones that went through the loops first, and so - 

“Or were you just going to stay here, happy that I was declawed in front of you?” Loop ignores your hyperventilation, sneering down at you. “If you were going to kill me, you should have done it on the first day.”

“Stars, Loop, I was serious about not killing you!” 

“You and your weird priorities,” they snarl out, “you should have. Now I’m like this.”

Okay, that’s just stupid. “Loop, you were like that for twenty-whatever years, it’s got to be more comfortable than staying a star.”

“Well, I got to ignore every bodily function in the world as a star.”

“You’re saying that like it’s a good thing.” And that would be a lie. They’ve gotten very attached to their own mid-day naps and Bonbon’s cooking the past few weeks. 

“… It was easier.”

There’s no way it was. “For someone who told me I had to be honest with them - "

“And I feel like that includes cluing me in about our clone situation when I’ve got stupid Universe amnesia?”

You cross your arms. “You didn’t tell me who you were when we first met.”

It’s an unfair subject to bring up, but when have the two of you ever been fair to each other?

“…………… Fine.” Loop sits down so violently in the sand, it looks like they fell. “Fine!! Just another punishment from the Universe for being clingy, I suppose.”

“Loop… "

“A punishment you never got.” They grimace at you and fold their knees into their stomach. “So excuse me for being too antisocial.”

… You don’t know what to say, with them like this. There’s nothing good to say, no easy way to resolve any of this. Even with your level of emotional intelligence, it’s obvious why Loop’s not feeling well. Being in this house, in their human form again, forced to talk to people about who they are and what happened - it’s a level of vulnerability you don’t have to endure. So yes. It’s unfair for them.

But it’s not like they can just quit. You won’t let them do that.

“So now what?” Loop drops their head into their knees, unable to look you in the eye. “I have to go out there, in a house full of people that know exactly what’s wrong with me?”

“I mean.” You shrug. “I’m doing that.”

“I’m surprised you are.”

“I… I thought more problems would come up, for sure.” Nobody’s remembered some of the worst parts, yet, and you get the sense that they will soon. But since all of the easy ones came up first, it’s… less world-ending, thinking of worse memories. 

“… What do they say about me?” Loop asks, looking out to the horizon. “When I’m not around.”

“That they’re worried about you, mostly.” It’s the truth. You’re not exaggerating. Everyone’s asked about Loop, wondered what they can do to make them feel more welcomed. “And I think they’re all waiting for you to remember, I know Mira wanted to thank you for your help in person.”

They don’t make eye contact with you, but their hand gestures in a little flourish that spurs you to continue.

“And, uh, Odile, she had a lot of questions about how you ended up like this, she’s curious. Isa keeps asking if you need any help with Change stuff. And Bonnie wants to figure out what your new favorite food is.”

Loop’s face gets progressively darker as you explain. You can’t help but smile a bit. You’re not going to let Loop fool themselves into thinking they’re not wanted here.

“Ha.” Loop hides their face, but looks so confident when they pull their head back up. “Well, that means I win.”

“Why?”

“They don’t worry about you. Not anymore. It’s all ‘I’m surprised he’s doing so well, considering,’ and ‘they’re more open than ever,’ so I win.”

How is that winning?

“Because,” Loop says, swatting the air, “I’m the one getting fussed over with attention and you’re not.”

Ah. Makes perfect sense. 

… But, really? You’re doing well? You haven’t felt well, especially not with everyone’s reactions to… all of this. Before Loop came back, before all of your time was devoted to making sure they were okay, everyone else was always two seconds away from crying over you. You don’t want them to be sad over you, but if they’re not fussing about you because they think you’re good… 

Something about that feels important.

“Do … do they really say that about me?”

“It’s all I hear.” Loop scoffs. “… Are they really worried about me?”

“So am I.”

“That wasn’t my question.”

“Well, they are worried about you.” It’s the same way they treated you directly after the loops. Which makes it feel less… permanent. Maybe Loop will be a lot more stable after you give them time.

That would be nice.

“I still don’t like this.” Loop hides their face from you. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Sounds like a normal reaction to me.”

“Oh, wonderful, I’m normal.” They flop over in the sand. “Good ol’ normal Loop.”

“You have time to figure it out. And if you think everyone else wouldn’t jump at the chance to help, too - "

“They’ve already tried. Like I deserve it.”

“You do.”

They huff.

You pull yourself out of the sand and dig Loop out of their self-inflicted sand hole. They don’t engage their legs at all, making themselves dead weight. It would be funnier if you didn’t hear your shoulder snap trying to pull them up.

“…………………………… Did you break it?” Loop asks, taking off the bored affectation in their face enough that you notice they’re genuinely worried for you.

“No, it just popped.” You roll your shoulder and another air pocket snaps audibly. “Anyway, are you coming back before you break my arm for real?”

“If you insist.” Loop pulls themselves out of the sand and walks towards the house. “You act as if I’m worth the trouble.”

“You are,” you grumble, although you know it’ll take them a while to believe you.

It’s been… a weird month.

Every day, Loop tells you what they remember, and you wait until one of your allies walks up to ask you about it or check in. Usually one of them goes to you and another talks to Loop, but as more things come out, you and Loop reach to each other for comfort. Everyone’s advice helps, but… bouncing ideas off of someone who literally went through the same things as you ends up being more cathartic sometimes. Especially after they get tired of being mad at you for not disclosing their identity at first.

Other times, you have an entire meeting with the team to talk about a memory. It happened when everyone remembered the King squeezing Bonnie, and you held the kid for hours afterward. 

Though none of it gets as bad as you imagined it.

Nobody proclaims you’re too difficult to work with, or too far gone. Sometimes an awful memory will surface, and you’re certain everyone will leave you over it, but all that happens is you get hugged and someone mumbles something to the effect of, “so that’s why Siffrin does this or that,” and you move on after enough time. Accommodations are made. 

It’s… weird. That the more your allies know about what bothers you, what you went through, the easier it is to talk to them. There’s less to hide. You still keep some darker secrets close to your chest, but… maybe one day you might get tired of hiding and confide in somebody about them. 

But everything that can be remembered is out for now. Probably. It seems like it!! You think the rest of your team members remember more about the loops than you do, at this point! With your horrible memory, and all that. 

Another month after Loop woke up for the first time, Mira asks you and Loop to stay upstairs until dinner. But she does it in a way that makes you think something’s about to happen. You end up being right - when it’s time for dinner, everyone’s cooking food in the kitchen and buzzing around the table. They barely realize when the three of you reach the bottom of the stairs.

It’s a lot of hubbub, almost at the edge of overwhelming for you. 

“We!!! Remembered one last thing!!!!” Mira leads you and Loop to the table and sits you both down. “If it’s okay for us to talk about.”

“We said we were gonna build up to it,” Isa says, but without any heat or frustration.

(For some reason, that makes Loop stiffen next to you.)

“This is me building up to it!” Mira smiles and sticks her tongue out at him. 

The way they’re all talking, it looks like this is a good thing. You allow yourself to hope. 

“It’s just… sometimes when we’d get to the last snack break, you were, um.” Mira shrugs. “Way, way happier than normal! And it was always when we hung out together the day before… "

“And then we all called each other a family and you got WEIRD ABOUT IT.” Bonbon squints at you. “Which is fine but I dunno why you’d do it every time.”

“Knowing what we do now, about where Sif and Loop came from, and…” Isa frowns. “I mean. Kind of obvious why it’s important, so we should all take it seriously, right?”

Oh, that’s…

You take in a breath. You can’t cry right now, they’ll all think you hate it! But you don’t!! This might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you!!!

Odile points at you. “It’s fine. We all decided we won’t make a big deal of it if either of you start crying.”

Okay!! Okay, wow, you aren’t able to hold it back at all. They knew how you’d react and talked about how to handle that before you came here?? You’re lightheaded!! And they all stay true to their word, nobody points out how you’re crying an entire glassful of tears out onto your face. The only thing that happens is that Mira comes by and gives you a handkerchief to dry your face.

Breathe in, breathe out… it’s hard to stop crying when you’re happy, wow!! That’s different!!!!

“SO.” Bonbon sticks their nose up proudly. “I asked EVERYONE what their favorite food was and then we all made it together and!! Now we can all eat it together! ‘Cause you’re not family until you have family foods at dinner.”

Is that how it works?

Loop rises out of their chair. “… Well, I never did this part of Stardust’s loops, so I should - "

“NO!!” Mira rushes over and squeezes both of their hands. “Loop, that doesn’t matter!! We want you to be here, too!”

“Part of this is making new associations with us instead of retreading the same ground,” Odile says, “so the fact you have no memories of you, personally, doing this is irrelevant.” 

“And Nille wasn’t here before! So you’re not alone in the ‘never done this before’ camp.” Isa grins at Pétronille. 

“… It’s tough.” Pétronille’s hands shake as she brings more plates to the table. “But Dile said she had trouble with family too so as long as none of you get weird during this, I’m fine with it.”

“Fine, fine!” Loop sits down, face darkening in embarrassment. “Why don’t all of you, I don’t know, talk about your little family foods that you’re so excited about? Instead of looking at me like that?”

Well, at least Loop’s learning to say when they’re too overwhelmed… even in an obtuse and roundabout way. Everyone backs off immediately - it’s nice, that you’re all learning how to treat Loop, and that you can see them physically relax when the attention is taken off them. 

“Okay! I can go first!!” Mira flashes her hands towards the big bird on the table and smiles wide. “When I was a kid I was sooooo excited whenever we made duck on holidays! Until my mom made me help her make it once and then I realized that the necks are still on the birds when she bought the meat.”

Mira frowns at the table.

“B-but!!!!! It’s so delicious that I can overlook that!!!”

“And I grew up with this really-super-amazing mac and cheese recipe,” Isa says, taking a big casserole dish out of the oven, “and since it would be kind of weird to have, uh, four main dishes it seemed like the best thing to make.”

It smells really good, but Bonbon turns their nose up at it. Ah, right. They’re not a fan of cheese. But, actually, now that you’re thinking about it… 

“… Doesn’t cheese make you sick, Isa?”

Isa stares at you, expressionless, and places the casserole dish on the table next to the duck. “… Let me have this.”

Well. Fine. You’ll just make him sleep on the floor tonight, then. 

“And Bonnie made samosas but they’re different than the ones they made in the loops, or whatever.” Pétronille practically drops the plate on the table and takes a samosa without waiting for the end of this little ritual. “I filled a few of them.”

As long as they’re not the same as in the loops… but it’s been long enough that you’d probably be okay either way. 

“It was difficult to get ingredients for everything that reminds me of home…” Odile frowns at her bowl. “And, as established, there’s a lot of complicated feelings around that, so - "

“So Dile got BORING and made CLAMS.” Bonbon grimaces at her dish. 

“Well, I know you would make a ruckus if I thought to make crab,” she says, smiling to herself. “And Boniface did make rice with it too. But I think that’s just because they love rice.”

“WHO!!!! DOESN’T!!!!!!!!!!”

Either way, all of the food looks so good! You’ve mostly eaten Bonbon’s cooking, but if these are all family recipes, they must have a lot of love put into them. 

You do exchange a look with Loop, because… well. Everyone does have something on the table except for the two of you. Which is… fine. You can both wallow in your homesickness together, now. At least you’re not alone in the feeling, right?

“OH! And I made one extra thing!!” Bonbon gets out of their seat and runs back into the kitchen. “I know you got tired of it in the loops BUT!!! But. I think I did them BETTER this time!!”

Oh, no, food from the loops?? You guess it’s fine, there’s other things to eat, you can pick at whatever’s here from the loops, but…

Wait.

You recognize that smell.

Loop perks up beside you. Right, they… never did the loops the same way you did, they skipped around and forgot a lot of things in their loops, you don’t know if they ate as many malagna fritters as you did. You got tired of them halfway through your loops, but… but it’s been a month! And you’re excited to see Loop try them!

You slip one into your mouth and they’re… spicy? 

Ha, wait, they’re spicy!!!

Bonbon puts both their hands on their hips, proud. 

“You didn’t say they were supposed to be made with spicy peppers BUT I COULD TELL THEY WERE BY YOUR FACE WHEN YOU ASKED so I did this time!” They grin at you. “I hope that’s different enough!!! And that Loop gets to try them now, too!!!!”

It is different enough. You’ve eaten three before you even think about it. Loop’s hiding as they try theirs, though from their little peeps and gasps you know they’re enjoying it. Scattered laughter around the table makes you shrink into your cloak, but you know it’s just because they think you’re both being cute. Which is weird, that you’re able to recognize that now!! 

But you can’t fill yourself up on one kind of food, when there’s so much around! 

The house is loud with conversation as you all exchange stories about what food’s on the table, as people critique and compliment each other’s childhood favorites, as you start planning when you want to do this next and with what other dishes. 

You don’t remember ever doing this before. Knowing that this isn’t the last time, that you have a place to have dinners like this… it doesn’t make the loops worth it, but it makes the memory of them haunt you less. 

There’s still a lot you need to unpack, to talk about, to negotiate - conversations you need to hash out with Loop, promises you’ve made to Mira and Odile and Isa and Bonbon, a Pétronille you still need to get to know, but… all of that feels easier when you have breaks like this. 

If things are this good three months after the loops, you wonder how much better it’ll get later.