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“Kinard. Go home now. You look like a dead man walking.” Tommy shook his head but his Captain was having none of it. The man looked at him out of stern eyes, hands placed in his hips. “That wasn’t a suggestion. It’s an order. You will take two days off now and I will not take no for an answer! Letting you fly like this would be a danger for everyone involved!”
Fuck. Tommy couldn’t even blame the man. He just nodded, his whole body feeling numb and incredibly heavy. After the Captain left the room, Tommy looked over and locked eyes with Lucy who was leaning against the wall close to the door, her arms crossed in front of her chest. “It wasn’t necessary to tell him,” Tommy said in a last effort to try and hold on to some normalcy. Lucy rolled her eyes. “Yes it was, you moron,” she said, but there was no heat behind those words. She pushed herself off the wall and walked over to where Tommy was standing. Quietly, she sighed and placed a hand on his right upper arm.
“Hey, Tommy, I didn’t do this to piss you off,” she said and the gentleness in her voice made Tommy’s chest feel too tight. She never called him Tommy. “I’m worried about you. When was the last time you slept for longer than a few hours?” Tommy swallowed thickly and averted his eyes. He felt stupid. As a grown man of 40 years, he wasn’t even able to take care of himself properly. And it was all his fault too; he was the one who broke up with Evan Buckley and now wasn’t able to deal with it. “I’m not sure. Three days ago, maybe,” he told her, looking back up at her and Tommy could feel Lucy gently squeeze his arm. “Go home. Rest. You can’t help people if you’re not able to help yourself. Please.” Lucy looked directly into his eyes and it was as if she was looking for something in them. It felt uncomfortable and Tommy really wanted to leave. “And maybe you should call him. Talk to him,” Lucy added. Yes, there it was. Ever since he had broken up with Buck almost three weeks ago, all of his friends had told him to cut the crap and speak to his ex. Make things right again. “I’ll be on my way,” Tommy just said. He heard Lucy sigh quietly while he walked out of harbor station to drive back home.
It was the same day, several hours and a nap later, when Tommy's phone rang with an unknown number. Usually, he didn't accept calls like that, but something in his gut told him that this time should be an exception. So he answered the call.
“This is Kinard speaking.”
“Are you Tommy?”
That was a voice Tommy had never heard before and he frowned. “Who's asking?”
There was some mumbling and rustling on the other end of the line and Tommy almost ended the call, but then, the voice was to be heard again.
“Can you come pick up your boyfriend? He's at my bar, completely wasted, and asking for you. If you're Tommy, that is,” the man said and Tommy felt his chest tighten.
“You're talking about Buck?” Tommy asked, his mouth feeling too dry all of a sudden. He could hear the other man roll his eyes. “How many boyfriends do you have, man? Yes. He says his name is Buck.”
Tommy grabbed his keys, his wallet and his jacket and within a minute, he was out of his door and on his way to the bar.
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Tommy entered the bar building. It was quite packed and smelled of cigarette smoke and booze. He took in the surroundings, trying to find Buck, and then spotted him right at the bar, slumped down at the counter. He was running his hand through his hair again and again. Tommy swallowed thickly and stepped closer. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked Buck and raised one of his hands, but stopped it mid-air, not daring to touch his ex-boyfriend.
“There you are! Finally! He just doesn’t stop asking for you, he’s been crying for at least an hour now,” the man behind the counter said. He looked really young, with dark hair and bright eyes, his hands placed on his hips. Again, Tommy swallowed thickly. “Thank you for having an eye on him,” he said and then, he heard Buck sniffle quietly. “Tommy,” his ex said, his voice sounding sad and shaky. “You came.” Buck grabbed Tommy’s arm - he was completely wasted, his eyes glassy from the alcohol, cheeks beet red. Tears were shimmering in his gorgeous blue eyes and the sight made sadness wash over Tommy like a tidal wave. “Yeah. I’m here to take you home, you’ve had enough alcohol for one night,” Tommy answered. Buck hiccuped and looked up at him, his fingers curled up in the fabric of Tommy’s jacket, holding on to it. “Okay,” he said, slurring the word a little. Tommy looked up at the young barkeeper. “What does he owe you?” he asked and the guy shook his head. “He already paid up. Even gave a nice tip. So you two lovebirds are good to go,” he answered and even winked at Tommy. The pilot just nodded and then turned his attention back to the drunk Buck in front of him.
“Come on. I will bring you to your place,” Tommy said and he grabbed Buck’s arms and gently pulled him to his feet. “No,” Buck suddenly whined, swaying on his feet so Tommy had to wrap an arm around him to stop him from falling over. “Don’t- don’t want to. My place. Want to stay with you,” Buck slurred before he hiccuped again. Slowly, Tommy started to move toward the exit of the bar and sighed when Buck wrapped his arms around his waist which made it even harder to walk, especially since Buck wasn’t exactly small. “Please, don’t wanna be alone…” Buck then mumbled when they left the building together and Tommy led him to his car. Tommy sighed and opened the car door so he could help Buck climb into the vehicle.
He knew this was a mistake. Tommy should just take Buck to his apartment, maybe call Chimney or Hen so they could make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit, and leave.
But the way Evan was begging him to stay at his side made this so, so incredibly hard.
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Half an hour later, Tommy and Buck entered Tommy’s house. Again, Buck was clinging to Tommy, barely able to walk, and Tommy was leading him toward his bedroom, arms wrapped around his ex-boyfriend’s middle. He just hadn’t had the heart to bring Buck to his loft, to leave him alone. The young firefighter was really wasted and he seemed so sad. Heartbroken. And it was all Tommy’s fault.
“Here you go,” Tommy said quietly when he carefully let Buck sit down on his bed. Buck held on to him, his arms wrapped around Tommy’s neck now, and he was looking at the pilot out of still wet eyes. “Do you feel sick? You should lay down,” Tommy said, his heart beating really fast at the way his ex was looking at him. “‘m not sick,” Buck answered and he pressed his face against Tommy’s shoulder now, sighing quietly. “I just w-want to stay. Like this. With you.” That made Tommy sigh as well. “Come on. I’ll help you lie down.” He looped his arms around Buck, under his arms, and gently lifted him up so he could place him on his bed horizontally. “But Tommy,” Buck then slurred, stretching the y in Tommy’s name, almost whining, “My shoes. Shoes’re dirty, making your bed dirty.” Despite his words, he didn’t seem to plan to let go of Tommy’s neck. “I’ll take them off, don’t worry,” Tommy answered. “But you have to let me go.”
That caused Buck to tear up again, and his tears rolled down his temples and dropped onto Tommy’s pillow. “I’m sorry I was such a bad boyfriend,” he said in the saddest voice Tommy had ever heard coming from him, and those words made Tommy’s eyes widen. His heart felt like it broke in even more pieces. “You were not a bad boyfriend,” he answered, and his voice wasn’t as steady as Tommy would have liked it to be. “Then why don’t you want me?” Buck asked, and a broken little sob escaped his throat before he squeezed his eyes shut what made more tears roll down his temples. “It has to be m-me,” Buck then kept on saying, and Tommy saw his bottom lip tremble. “Nobody ever wants me. Nobody wants to love me.” Tommy felt like throwing up and Buck sobbed again. “I miss you so much, Tommy…”
It was like Tommy was frozen to the spot for several seconds. His heart was hammering away in his chest painfully, and he had no idea what to say. To see what his behavior had done to Buck tore him apart. Has he ever felt pain like this before? Tommy wasn’t sure. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. When Buck didn’t react to his words, Tommy realized that the other man had dozed off, the alcohol taking its toll. Carefully, he grabbed Buck’s arms that were still wrapped around his neck, his hands lying on the upper part of his back, and really gently pulled them down to place them on the bed. Tommy straightened up and couldn’t help but watch Buck for a few moments.
There was a dull, hollow ache in Tommy's chest at the sight of Buck lying in his bed again after three agonizingly lonely weeks, an ache that seemed to spread inside of him more and more, threatening to consume him. With a quiet yet heavy sigh, Tommy brushed the fingers of his right hand over Buck’s cheek and up to his temple that was wet with tears. The longing he felt was almost unbearable and so, he forced himself to finally take off Buck’s shoes, pull his blanket over him and then to step away. Tommy quickly went to his kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and an aspirin for Buck, placed it on his nightstand and then, he turned off the lights in his bedroom and closed the door so Buck could sleep.
When he then, a few minutes later, sank down on his couch to hopefully get some more sleep as well, all he wanted to do instead was to curl up next to Buck. Hold him in his arms. Say sorry for another thousand times. But he was too much of a coward to do so.
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Tommy was already up when he could hear movement coming from his bedroom. While he was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, he heard the door open and then, quiet footsteps in the hallway. Soon, Buck found Tommy in the kitchen. He looked miserable, with puffy eyes from crying, hair a disheveled mess, and even though his cheeks were splotchy red, the rest of his face looked really, really pale.
“Good morning,” Tommy greeted his ex-boyfriend. “How are you feeling?” Buck swallowed thickly, Tommy could see his Adam’s apple move with it. “Not great,” he answered, and Tommy didn’t know if he sounded sad or embarrassed. Maybe both. “Thank you. For… putting up with me yesterday. And I’m sorry for causing so much trouble. I hope I wasn’t too annoying.” That made Tommy stare at Buck for a few seconds before he shook his head. “Don’t worry about it,” he answered, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.
“May I use your bathroom?” Buck asked. Tommy nodded. “Of course. Just take whatever you need. Your toothbrush is still in the cabinet,” Tommy then said before he could really think about what exactly he was saying. Buck’s eyes widened slightly and he turned around so quickly it almost startled Tommy. “Thank you,” he said with a tremor in his voice. Then, he left the room.
And Tommy buried his face in his hands. It had been three weeks since he broke up with Buck, and he still had his stuff around. Just the thought of getting rid of Buck’s stuff had broken his heart even further, and so, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do so. It was ridiculous and pathetic.
It took a few minutes and Tommy heard Buck go back to his bedroom for a moment before his ex showed up in the kitchen again. The young firefighter now looked a bit better with his hair tamed and eyes not as unfocused as before.
“Listen, Tommy,” he suddenly said, placing his jacket he had grabbed from Tommy’s bedroom on one of the chairs in the kitchen. “There’s something I need to tell you and I want you to listen until I’m done.” The determination in Buck’s eyes and voice surprised Tommy and so, he got up from where he was sitting at his dinner table, and just nodded.
So, Buck spoke.
“What I should have said instead of Move in with me was I love you ,” Buck then said, and he was fumbling with the fabric of his shirt nervously. The determination in his voice just seconds prior couldn’t hide the fact that his blue eyes were glistening with tears and Tommy was just standing there, in his kitchen, frozen to the spot, staring at his ex-boyfriend. “Because I do.” Buck swallowed audibly, and his bottom lip was trembling. “I’ve never loved anyone like this. And I love you because you’re you , Tommy. I don’t just want to be with you because you’re some kind of queer mentor for me or some dumb reason like that.” He blinked and two tiny tears rolled down his cheeks. “Of course I looked up to you because being attracted to you made me realize who I really am. That I am, indeed, attracted to men. You’ve been through so much and of course, I looked up to you, but that wasn’t what made me fall for you. What made me fall for you is the way you always ask me if I’m okay. The way you smile when I start rambling again and the way you even seem to like it. You never made me feel like I’m annoying or a burden - you’ve always been so gentle, you always cared for me so much. When I was with you, I felt accepted. And loved. You’re also the most sarcastic bitch I have ever met and I love that about you so much. You’re kind and smart. Supportive. Accepting. Patient.” With a quick movement, Evan wiped his right cheek with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry I tried to rush things, I’m always moving too fast, being too much.” He hiccuped quietly and Tommy felt his heart beat painfully fast in his chest. “But I love you. I really do. And the last thing I want to do is break your heart. I want to be with you, Tommy.” Evan was breathing a little heavier than usual and Tommy felt his hands tremble. Several seconds passed by before Tommy even had the strength to speak.
“Buck, I don't know-” Tommy then started saying, but he stopped because he could see the shimmer of hope in Evan's eyes just shatter like glass. Within a second, Tommy had destroyed whatever hope had been there. More tears dripped down Buck’s cheeks and he tensed up, jaw locked and hands turning into fists. “You calling me Buck is all the answer I need,” the young firefighter said and it was audible how much he tried not to let his voice tremble too much. He grabbed his jacket and pressed it against his chest. “Thank you. For everything,” Evan then said quietly without even looking at Tommy again before he turned around and left the kitchen, seemingly wanting to leave the house. Those words sounded painfully final all of a sudden.
And that was the moment Tommy knew he needed to do something or he'd lose the love of his life forever. It was like seeing Evan like this - desperate, lonely, completely shattered, but still so, so loving - had opened his eyes and showed him how incredibly stupid he was. This man had shown him nothing but love, acceptance and support, and Tommy couldn't just let him go. They had been happy together. He was still terrified of being hurt, but he just needed to be brave right now. For himself. For…
“ Evan ! Wait, please! Please.”
Tommy called out his ex-boyfriend’s name and his voice sounded desperate now as well. He saw Evan stop in his tracks in the hallway, shoulders incredibly tense, but the other man didn’t turn around. Tommy felt a huge lump in his throat and he forced himself to keep on speaking.
“I’m sorry,” Tommy said. He walked out of the kitchen, so they were both standing in the hallway, and finally, Evan turned around to face him. His cheeks were wet with tears and the agony in his eyes made Tommy feel sick to his stomach. This was all his doing.
“I love you too,” Tommy then continued when all Evan did was stare at him. “That's the whole problem.”
That made Evan frown. God, even in a situation like this, he was the most beautiful man to ever walk the earth and the longing unfurling in Tommy's chest made him ache all over. “This makes no sense. We love each other and that's the problem?” Evan asked quietly. Tommy nodded.
“I've never been in love before,” he admitted and now, Evan looked confused. “What? But what about-” he started to ask, but Tommy shook his head. “I thought I loved… them. The people I've been with before.” He exhaled a shuddering breath and raised both of his hands, palms up, in a helpless gesture. “But meeting you, being with you, showed me that I never really knew what loving someone really meant. Of course I had feelings for those I’ve been with. But most of all, I loved the thought of not having to be alone. With you, it’s different. You are the most important person to me and I love you with all of my heart, Evan. And that just… scared the hell out of me.” Swallowing thickly, Tommy took a step closer to his ex-boyfriend. Evan wasn't crying anymore, he watched Tommy closely, seemingly feeling as overwhelmed by the situation as Tommy did. “When I lost people in the past, that hurt so much. But I didn't love them like I love you. So how horrible would it feel to lose you too? I don't know…” Tommy shook his head a little. “I don't know if I could stand that, Evan.”
Now, fresh tears were filling Evan's eyes, and he shook his head as well. “But that's so unfair!” He spat at Tommy, exasperation lacing his voice. “So, you want what exactly? To forbid us both from being happy together because you're scared of getting hurt again? Have I ever hurt you during those six months we were together? I have never loved anyone as much as I love you and not being allowed to be with you feels like torture.” A shaky sob escaped Evan’s throat and his hand was trembling when he pressed the back of his hand against his lips for a few heartbeats before speaking again. “Don't you miss me at all?”
That question made Tommy tear up as well and within a second, he was standing right in front of Evan. Tommy gently wrapped his arms around the other man and felt his heart beat even faster in his chest when Evan immediately pressed up against him. He could feel Evan grab the fabric of his henley like he was scared Tommy could let go of him and tell him they were over a second time.
“I miss you so much it is almost driving me crazy,” Tommy said and he turned his head to the side so he could bury his face in Evan's soft hair a little. Quietly, he sighed and closed his eyes. “And I realized that not being with you hurts so much more than being afraid of maybe being hurt again.” Really gently, Tommy brushed his hand over the small of Evan's trembling back, trying to give at least a little bit of comfort.
“You idiot. I don’t want to hurt you. I want to make you happy,” Evan said, and Tommy could feel the wetness of his tears on his neck when the other man buried his face against it. “I feel the same,” Tommy answered quietly. He gently brushed his hands over Evan’s back. It felt so good to hold him in his arms again. “But I did. I hurt you. And I’m sorry, Evan.”
Evan raised his head again and looked at Tommy. For several seconds, they just held each other like this. “Does that mean you want to be with me again?” Evan then asked, and there was still some kind of uncertainty or even fear in his voice and expression. “Yes,” Tommy said, and he saw how Evan’s gorgeous eyes lit up with happiness. “I’d be the world’s biggest idiot if I pushed you away again. I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize that. I love you, Evan.”
Warm, soft lips brushed against his and Tommy’s heart fluttered in his chest when Evan sent him the softest smile humanly possible after this (really short) kiss. “I love you too, Tommy.” Then, his expression turned a little more stern again. “But please… if you feel scared again, or sad, or like running away, please talk to me. You can tell me everything and together, we can work through whatever problems we’re facing. We just need to talk about it. Communicate. Okay?”
Again, Tommy nodded. “I’ll be honest with you,” he then said. “I can be hard to deal with sometimes. When it comes to… things that scare me. I tend to close myself off. But I promise I will work on myself. For you. For us. I will not just leave you behind again. I will fight for what we have.” Now, that made Buck smile again and he nodded. “And that’s all I’m asking for.”
Evan wrapped his arms around Tommy’s neck and kissed him again. This time, they took their time to enjoy being close to each other after three weeks that had felt like an eternity. Evan tasted of tooth paste and that made Tommy smile. It was then and there that he really understood how much he had missed Evan, his Evan . His warmth, his smile, his laughter, the sound of his voice, his excitement, the feeling of his strong body in his arms. He could barely believe he almost lost all of this just because he had allowed his own fears to take over his heart.
“Thank you,” Tommy said, breathlessly, when they ended their kiss. “For not giving up on me.” He felt his boyfriend’s fingers brush through the short hair on the back of his head. “You’re welcome,” Evan answered and winked at Tommy. “But Tommy?”
“Yes, baby?”
“If you call me Buck ever again, I will never forgive you.”
That made Tommy chuckle and he gently brushed his lips against the corner of Evan’s mouth to taste his beautiful smile.
“Understood.”