Chapter Text
Mu Qing's chest ached, a heavy weight pressing down on him. He was the only one who felt this pain, the world saw him as jaded, petty, and snotty. Was he really those things? He wondered. As he brushed Xie Lian's hair, a thought crept into his mind.
"Do you think I am rude and snotty, Your Highness?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.
Xie Lian seemed startled, his expression softening. "Why would I think that?"
His reply was cautious, and Mu Qing's heart sank. He had never been intentionally rude to His Highness, yet everyone knew he could wield words like knives. As Xie Lian’s’ personal servant, he was privy to his master's secrets, and that could make him dangerous, he knew just the dirty secrets to fling at His Highness. Well, that would be if he had any. It was honestly kind of annoying how perfect His Highness seemed.
"I overheard some of the other servants talking about me earlier," Mu Qing replied, his voice steady.
The words had been gnawing at him for days. He had been returning from delivering a letter to Xie Lian when he overheard a group of disciples discussing him.
…………………….
"You know that servant who used to sweep the floors and serve tea?" one disciple whispered. "Who started studying cultivation after the Crown Prince took pity on him?"
"Yeah, I see him a lot around the fruit trees," another disciple said. "Is he supposed to be there?"
"Probably not, I mean, he's technically a disciple now, but he's still just the poor kid who used to serve us tea."
"Do you think he's up by the fruit trees right now?" a third disciple asked. "If he is, maybe we could wipe that smug smile off his face! Who does he think he is? He's not important. He's not rich like the rest of us."
"Yeah! I was forced to work with him on an assignment in class, and he barely even talked to me!" the first disciple hissed. "He thinks he's better than everyone else. He's so unpleasant."
"I don't know, he just seems kinda cold, not exactly rude."
"Ugh, like you would know anything! You weren't forced to work with the kid," the first disciple retorted. "You barely even know who he is!"
"We should go see if he's at the fruit trees," suggested the third disciple. "Then we can prove how awful he is and beat him up."
"Alright," the second disciple agreed.
"Yeah! Maybe that will teach him not to walk around with his nose in the air," the first disciple said.
…………………….
"They shouldn't talk about you behind your back."
Mu Qing shrugged, Xie Lian’s voice breaking him from the memory. "It's not like I haven't heard it before. It doesn't bother me."
Xie Lian's frown deepened. "It is still rude to talk about someone behind their back. You would also not bring it up if it did not matter to you.”
"Well, it truly doesn't mean anything to me," Mu Qing evaded.
“Your Highness!” Feng Xin suddenly called from the doorway.
“Is something the matter Feng Xin?”
“Yes! That brat Qi Rong is beating up some of the palace servants.”
“Oh dear, Mu Qing, we'll talk about your issue more later, is that alright?”
“That’s fine, Your Highness,” Mu Qing said glumly. Great , just the conversation I want to have.
…………………….
Nightmares plagued Mu Qing, a relentless assault on his mind. The past clawed at him, its sharp edges tearing at his sanity. He yearned for respite, a break from the relentless torment. What purpose did these memories serve? To remind him of a time when he could talk to Xie Lian, when he cared? Now, Xie Lian was obsessed with the Crimson Menace , and though Mu Qing knew Xie Lian meant no harm, the pain was still sharp.
He imagined approaching Xie Lian, trying to get his advice on some matter or another, Xie Lian would nod and offer a thoughtful reply. However, as soon as Hua Cheng appeared, Mu Qing would become another one of those scraps he collected. Mu Qing’s breathing got heavier, was that all he was to Xie Lian? A scrap picked up from the street, deemed worthy of a fleeting glance before being tossed aside?
The thought was suffocating. Perhaps that's why Xie Lian had hesitated so long to save him.
"No," he whispered to himself, trying to quell the rising panic. "They care for you, they need you, Xie Lian is just lovesick he’ll get over it."
He sighed, the weight of despair pressing down on him. Things had been improving. His relationships with Feng Xin and Xie Lian had mended, and the constant threat of death had subsided. Yet, he felt a gnawing emptiness. They didn't need him anymore. They had forgotten about him.
A cruel voice echoed in his mind, mocking him. "You're nothing. They hate you for all the times you left them. You're rude and cold. Why would anyone want to be your friend?"
The words were like daggers, piercing his heart. He tried to silence the voice, to banish the thoughts, but they persisted, relentless and unforgiving. "Stop... Stop... Please stop!" he pleaded, tears welling up in his eyes. "I don't want to think like this. Please leave me alone..."
…………………….
Mu Qing's eyes snapped open, the harsh morning light piercing through the curtains. He groaned, his head throbbing. “Is it truly morning already?”
A voice, somewhere to his right, replied, "Yes, it is. In fact, we were supposed to leave two hours ago."
Mu Qing bolted upright, his heart pounding. He swung his legs over the bed and reached for his saber.
Feng Xin’s face came into view, "well, that got you up. I was going to wake you soon."
"What are you doing here?!" Mu Qing shouted.
Feng Xin's eyes darkened as they observed his messy robes and hair. You know, if you hadn't barged into my room while I was sleeping I would be more presentable. Mu Qing thought darkly. Mu Qing used his put-together appearance as another type of mask, now being stripped of that he felt vulnerable.
"If you remember, we were supposed to investigate the destruction of a town about two hours ago." Feng Xie replied, somewhat angrily.
"And that gives you the right to barge into my room and scare me half to death?" Mu Qing demanded, his voice rising.
"Hey! I knocked first and tried to ask your subordinates, but they just gave me dirty looks and tried to kick me out! Why weren't you awake? Why didn't you wake up when I knocked?" Feng Xin retorted.
Mu Qing hesitated, a flicker of… something… passing through him. Is Feng Xin concerned about me? No, don't tease yourself with those thoughts. He is probably just angry he couldn't get out of your presence sooner. "I was sleeping," he replied, his excuse sounding weak to his own ears.
"Are you sure you're alright? It's not like you to sleep in or not realize someone came into your room," Feng Xin said, his tone softening slightly.
"Yes, because you're so concerned," Mu Qing scoffed. "How would you know what I do or don't do in the mornings?"
Feng Xin hesitated, his expression conflicted. "If I had known you were so terrible in the mornings, I definitely would have just gone on my own," he mumbled. "You're always like this! Assuming stuff, not just saying what's on your mind, and assuming the worst in everybody."
"And I shouldn't? What reason do you have to barge into my room and then watch me sleep?" Mu Qing snapped, his anger flaring.
Feng Xin looked sheepish. "I was just worried about you," he admitted.
"I told you I don't need your stupid concern!" Mu Qing spat. "Now get out of my room before I force you."
Feng Xin took a deep breath, his voice wavering. "You really can't just accept that I was concerned for your well-being?"
"No," Mu Qing snorted. "When have you ever been concerned about me before?"
Feng Xin clenched his fists. "Really? You can't think of a single time?"
Mu Qing hesitated, his mind racing back to Mount Tonglu Mountain. A year had passed but to an immortal that time is nothing.
"That's what I thought," Feng Xin said, his voice filled with bitterness. "You already forgot about your little 'embarrassment' and have moved on. Well, I've moved on as well."
With that, Feng Xin stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard that the frame cracked.
Good, thought Mu Qing , forget about me, move on, I wish I could move on but it seems I am stuck with past memories and drowned in feelings I shouldn't have.