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Caesar: You're the courier who's caused so much trouble for my Legion, and yet you dare come before me.
Vulpes Inculta, the best of my frumentarii, is dead.
All the bribes I sent to the Omertas ended up buying me nothing.
The Great Khans aren't exactly clamoring to fight for my Legion now.
The garrison I established at Nelson has been wiped out.
Years of meticulous scheming to place a mole at Camp McCarran - wasted.
.
The Kings of Freeside are cooperating with the NCR now, which frees up soldiers to defend the dam.
You even disrupted a promising weapons deal with the Van Graffs.
Years of meticulous scheming to place ants on the road to Mojave Outpost - wasted.
You even managed to partition the virus I installed in the Brotherhood of Steel mainframe.
A decade of my best undercover agents imploring Easy Pete not to share his TNT with Goodsprings, but you ruined it in 1 sentence
All this effort to break the mess hall food processor at Camp McCarran, only for it to be fixed anyway.
You have healed Snuffles from the crippling injury my best assassins gave her, greatly boosting the morale of NCR. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to predict the smartest being in the Mojave?
Years of study to make Boomers' history as dull as possible, and you stood there and listened to that goddamn kid anyway.
You've dismantled the Bottle Cap Press I've placed in the Sunset Sarsaparilla Headquarters, losing me a source of income.
You brought back all those dozens of creature eggs my frumentarii stole from the Thorn...you even got to see Red Lucy in her sexy sleepwear.
You stopped my greatest scientist, Mr. Fantastic, from overtaking the now NCR operated Helios-One.
All the years and countless resources spent training the lakelurks at the Camp Guardian Caves just to prevent you from saving private Halford... wasted.
You even thought to take out Oliver Swanick, before he could deliver me the winning lottery ticket.
All that time spent meticulously shipping outdated radio equipment to NCR camps, wasted
All that wasted time, making sure the snow globes were scattered beyond where House could find them, all for nothing.
You even went as far as to convince my most loyal Frumentarii, Sunny Smiles, to defect and aid you in alleviating my siege on Goodsprings Source.
Years of preventing Doc Mitchell from fixing his broken submachinegun; utterly wasted.
It was by my order that the Great Khans break the radio at the Prospector Saloon, the plan went off perfectly… just to be undone by [Repair 20/20].
Years of manipulating the misfits squad at camp golf into laziness, only for you to whip them into proper fighting shape.
I was planning on arming every kid in freeside with C-Finders. It took me years to get a single unit out, and yet you completely disarmed my warrior with only 20 caps.
Years of poisoning Rex with mercury laced Dog treats wasted by your ingenuity to replace his brain with a junkyard dogs, causing The Kings to have an unbreakable spirit.
You even repaired Primm slim, now my legion’s annexation of Primm is nothing short of impossible under his watchful eye.
My legion spent 18 Months of work to ensure consistent memory leaks and crashes, yet you stand before me.
The Nightkin I planted at repconn, gone. Years of work from my best frumentarii, Antler, pointless.
And on top of that, you ruined my promising weapons deal with the Zetans. Leaving me with this YCS186. Garbage!
Years of meticulous scheming to steal Vance's submachine gun from Primm - wasted.
You killed Malcolm Holmes, and ... actually, nevermind.
All that time I spent to steal a teddy bear from that slave girl, all for nothing.
You even ruined a promising sunset sarsaparilla deal with Festus.
After many years of killing Deathjaws on my behalf with an 11mm submachine gun, you turned my trusted Frumentarii Ricky into a pack mule for a dose of Psycho.
Years of scheming to convince the Think Tank Dr Zero’s name was O, all in vain.
You stole all the gold from the sierra madre and didn‘t let go.
I spent enough to arm 3 squads just to buy out all of the Vault Hotel’s vault suits, only for you to bring them countless new ones.
You even disrupted a promising Wind-Brahmin deal with that Nightkin.
Years spent creating hostilities between NCR squatters and the Kings, then you show up and ask him to stop.
You even ruined a promising alliance I had with Colonel Autumn. What were you thinking?
My alliance with the White Legs, savage and unnecessary as they were, has been disrupted by you and the Burned Man's friends from New Canaan. I will admit, you actually did a good deed for me in retrospect, as now I have a good note of where those tribals are as vengeance for this act, and the Burned Man cannot take on an entire cohort. Nonetheless, you've made this issue more challenging for me than it already was.
And worst of all, you unleashed my legions greatest enemy Fistio from his imprisonment. Now, the battle for Hoover Dam is truly lost before it has even begun.
So tell me this, because I *really* want to know: I am feared - with good reason - but *you* of all people dare to come before *me*, the mighty Caesar. What were you thinking?
You take a sip from your trusty Vault 13 Canteen.