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“Just wait here, I’ll talk to them.”
Ed didn’t even know why he had said yes. He barely recognized his own voice, coming out all whispery and needy. Fuck. He just couldn’t help himself.
But now that he is right beside The Revenge, the ship that held so many memories, so many feelings…he’s not sure anymore.
He tries to back down, to tell Stede he’s not really worth the effort, but Stede won’t let him. Of course he won’t.
“You don’t ha-“
“I do.”
The certainty makes Ed freeze, breathless.
Stede. He came back. He actually came back. A little rough around the edges, a white worn-out shirt replacing all the silky ruffles, hair a little longer. But still Stede where it really matters. With the warmest look in his eyes. The sweetest words. And the pure determination to solve everything with his kind heart. So idealistic. So…
“Alright, then.” Stede’s voice startled him.
Ed blinks, coming back to reality. Was he staring? He wasn’t staring. He’s cool. Not madly in love. Completely cool.
“Sure.” He lets out simply.
“I’ll be back soon. I hope.”
Ed nods, and Stede is waving him goodbye for half a second, then rushing to climb the ship. Ed can’t help a small smile from pulling on the corner of his lips as he watches. He’s seen the man climb that ladder a thousand times, and he’s still so clumsy. It’s like he’s asking for help. And Ed would gladly carry him on his shoulders.
“Good luck, mate.” He ends up saying, and that earns him a delighted smile. Fuck, why is Stede so adorable???
When he’s gone, Ed releases his breath, and his posture melts away. Shit, it shouldn’t be this hard to pose like he doesn’t care, he’s done it a thousand times. He’s fucking Blackbeard. He never loses his cool.
But he did, didn’t he? He was ready to run away from everything, finally leave all the Blackbeard shit behind. For the first time in his life, he found himself in love. And how wonderful was that feeling. Then it was only despair. Stede never showed up, and suddenly there he was, left on that pier, alone with his pain.
The crew helped him, for a while. But Izzy could never let it go. Loyal to Blackbeard till the end, till he shot his fucking leg off. Serves him right. Ed was sorry, but couldn’t say he actually regretted doing that. Izzy wanted the Kraken, and he got it. But the rest of the crew…Ed started feeling nervous. How would he face them? Was he going to apologize? Could he really do that? Did he deserve to be forgiven?????
“Ed, come on up!”
Stede’s voice immediately pulls him away from the darkness stirring in his mind. The man’s hand is drawing circles, telling him to climb on board.
“Right.” He goes, without thinking. He never thinks when near Stede.
“So, they agreed?” He asks, walking beside the man, who’s moving fast towards the captain’s cabin. Ed’s brow furrows. Stede’s acting strange. He is not known for doing anything fast.
“…Sort of.” The hesitation in Stede’s voice makes everything crystal clear.
They crew didn’t agree to have Ed on board, but Stede went with it anyway. And he’s the captain, so he does whatever the shit he wants.
“They want you to stay with me in the captain’s quarters, so I can keep an eye on you, or something like that. They’re still a bit sore after…everything that’s happened.”
In other words, they want to be as far away from Ed as possible.
“Yeah, I get it.”
He does get it.
He was a fucking asshole.
Ed is ready to turn around and leave (after all he’s not staying where he’s not wanted), when Stede’s kind eyes find his again, and everything stops. It’s always like this, ever since they met.
“Don’t worry, they’ll come around.”
Stede’s reassuring voice brings some comfort to Ed’s nervous heart. He tries to respond with a grin but ends up with half a grimace. He knows Stede is going out on a limb for him, and part of him feels bad about it. The other part thinks this is the bare minimum, so he says nothing.
I love being near you. It’s nice. It feels good. Breathing the same air.
Oh. And this.
There’s also this.
The tiny, yet very loud part of him that will never forget these whispered words, ever.
He’s so fucked.
Stede opens the door, and only then Ed realizes they have arrived. Shit, he feels like he can’t focus on anything that’s going on.
When he looks at the surroundings, sees that the cabin already looks like it’s Stede’s once more. Stede cleaned it, got rid of all the knives and bottles, put the furniture (well, what’s left of it) in place again, and even had time to make his bed, plus an improvised one with blankets and pillows, basically the only thing Ed didn’t throw away, in the corner near the bathroom door.
The place looks insanely more comfortable than it ever was at the time Ed lived there by himself.
Okay, that’s officially too much.
Ed’s brow furrows with the realization, his eyes go wide. The nervousness is finally taking over his body. Why is Stede doing all that? For him??? He certainly doesn’t deserve it. Isn’t he upset after everything Ed did with his crew? Or maybe, because he basically stole his ship? And let’s not forget the fact he threw almost all Stede’s things overboard. Isn’t he hurt, after the way Ed spit his anger and bitterness on his face??? How can he act like nothing happened? How can he still be so gentle, so optimistic, so fucking lovable???
All these unanswered questions make Ed feel like breaking chairs with his own hands again. He decides to clench his hands inside his pockets before he actually starts punching or throwing things.
The only thing he actually can do is remain silent, and just get through that night. Still, he can’t stop his foot from tapping.
Ed suddenly hears something, and again, it’s Stede bringing him back. But this time he only gets half of the sentence.
“…therefore, you could sleep here, on the other side of the room, so you have some privacy.”
Stede’s walking around the room, trying to find something that can divide the room in two. Fuck, why? They never needed that before.
“Or! If you prefer, you could take the bed, and I’ll sleep there. I couldn’t find the sofa, though.” Damn, he’s so excited to organize everything it hurts to watch.
Ed opens his mouth to say something, like “yeah well I threw all your things overboard, no one told you that?” but he gives up because Stede’s already pacing around the room, rambling, trying to find anything Ed didn’t destroy. Ed knows he won’t succeed.
He sees a glimpse of frustration pass through Stede’s eyes, but his smile never wavers and…oh, shit. How Ed wishes Stede would yell at his face right now. It would certainly be better than he just pretending everything is ok. He can feel his throat tightening.
When Stede hands him fucking good smelling towels (seriously, where did he get those???) and turns around again to get something that will make Ed feel even more guilty, he just can’t take it anymore.
“Well, it’s a work in progress. We’re still missing some things, but I believe that in no ti-!”
“Stede…!”
Ed doesn’t mean for this voice to come out so harsh, but it does, and Stede freezes. Well, at least he stopped for one second.
“Yes?” He asks, with a curious look on his face, finally gazing Ed, still half a step from his next bizarre idea. One would say he’s completely undisturbed even after the rude tone Ed used with him, but Ed knows him better now. There’s a slight tension between his eyes. He’s concerned. Fuck. Stede’s afraid he disappointed him. Ed wants to punch him. And kiss him. He can’t decide which.
Well, now that he’s thinking about it, the kissing approach would be more difficult than the punching one. Ed is still hurt and mad. He can’t find in himself to be close to anyone again, so perhaps that’s a no. And even though he loves a good old fist fight to solve any misunderstandings, he doesn’t think Stede would go for it.
Still, what happened between Stede and him wasn’t slightly a misunderstanding.
Then, after all that talk at Annie and Mary’s, the way it’s so easy to be near him again, and now that he is taking care of Ed as if his life depended on it…
It’s overwhelming.
He has to do something about it.
And after a few seconds of consideration, he does.
With quick strides, Ed crosses the room, ignoring the sudden shock that takes over Stede, his apprehensive “Ed?” when he gets too close, and takes Stede into a tight hug, arms going around his shoulders, his eyes close shut.
He takes a deep breath, and involuntarily inhales his essence. Stede always smells so good. He is so warm and soft. Touching him feels like touching a flower, as if he might wither if Ed doesn’t handle him with care.
His heart is racing. Maybe Stede’s is too, but he can’t know. He thinks he might explode. He’s hurt, he’s angry, he’s grateful, he wants to yell at him some more, he missed him so much he never wants to be a single step away from him again. It’s all too much at once, and the only thing Ed manages to do is to hug the man he is so stupidly in love with like it was the last time, when it’s actually the first, after so long.
He whispers the words like he’s sharing a secret. “Thank you.”
He never believed Stede would actually come back to take care of him, ever so gentle…But he did. He’s here. It’s all that matters now.
But then, the strangest thing happens. Stede makes some kind of noise, something between a gasp and a chuckle. Ed senses a tremble passing through his body. Wait.
“Stede?”
When there’s no answer, Ed backs a little to look at Stede, who sniffles, and there is no more room for doubt.
“Hey, are you-“
“I’m sorry! I’m so-oh, bugger!!!”
Ed is immobile, eyes wide. He had never seen Stede crying before. He is always optimistic, so confident and enthusiastic. Always putting other people’s feelings first, before even acknowledging his own. He’s a hot sunny day, shining brightly for everyone to enjoy. And now he’s crumbling, falling as heavy as the rain, on a summer afternoon.
Stede tries desperately to dry out the tears, and that only makes more appear. His face is a painful grimace, lips quiver. “Well, it won’t s-stop now.” He sobs, hands gesturing toward the tears, then his arms fall to his sides, giving up.
Even before he realizes what he’s doing, Ed is comforting him. He doesn’t understand fully what’s happening, actually been like this for a while now, but he won’t just stand there and watch the man he loves falling apart, all alone.
“It’s alright.” He tries stepping in again, but Stede doesn’t let him.
“No!” Stede whimpers, arms raised to keep him away, head shaking in disbelief, looking down, while the tears roam through his face. “It is not!!!” He sounds…ashamed? Well, Ed can certainly understand that.
But again, Ed never saw Stede crying. Never actually comforted him. Just talked, mostly. It was the other way around. It was always the other way around. What now? What to do???
Well. At least he can let him. “You can cry, mate. You know I have. Saw it, even.” Ed shrugs with an awkward grin, trying not to make a big deal out of that situation, but in his mind, he wants to punch himself. He is sure it’s his fault this is happening, he just doesn’t know why. Yet.
“It’s…” A high whine comes out of Stede’s mouth, followed quickly by another sniffle. “…not that…!” His hands go up and down as he speaks, clearly conveying something to Ed, but he still can’t figure what it is.
Ed watches Stede for a few seconds, then his eyes start wandering. He certainly missed something. Or everything. He doesn’t even know for how long he was half dead. Fuck. He should say something. Should do something. He shoul-
“It’s…”
Ed looks up immediately, focusing again on Stede. He can freak out another time. Now Stede needs him.
As Stede pauses, Ed notices the man does need him. He is a wreck, his sobs unstoppable. His arms are crossed around his body, holding his sides, apparently in an attempt to calm down, but not succeeding. Ed wants to put his own arms around him again, pat his back, run his fingers through his waves of gold. but he is not completely certain it’s a good idea. It may even make things worse. He certainly doesn’t want that.
While his mind wanders, Stede frees one hand, gesturing around them frenetically, body bending as he does it, emphasizing his words. “This is all my fault, Ed! Everything that’s happened, I…” he tries to catch his breath, still his voice, and fails catastrophically, his voice goes even higher. “I killed you, for Christ’s sake, and then you fucking thank me!!!???”
Suddenly, something finally clicks in Ed’s brain. The world freezes. His mind works as quick as lightning.
Oh.
Oh.
So that’s what this is about.
He feels his heart shrinking.
Yup, they can cry side by side.
Now everything makes sense.
The way Stede got all frenetic to bring Ed back to the ship.
How he stayed silent for most of the time Ed yelled at him. How he didn’t fight, just accepted his anger.
How he, even after explaining this side of the story, still did everything in his power to make Ed feel good, comfortable, even.
Stede is not hurt or angry at Ed. He believes he is to blame. Just like Ed.
That’s a fucking punch in the gut, and Ed actually thinks he might be sick. Good thing the bathroom is so close.
What a fucking amazing duo, am I right!? Two fucked up lunatics, drowning in guilt.
Fucking shit.
He can’t just leave things this way.
He blinks, the world starts moving again, and he knows what to do.
“Stede. Look at me.” Ed calls, putting his hands on Stede’s shoulders, prompting the man to gaze him again. Stede is so lost, so fragile, guilt consumes his being. His whole body is fucking shaking, for God’s sake.
Once, Ed thought he would feel triumphant to see that. All that time, he wanted to blame Stede for everything, when he actually knew it was the other way around. He wanted to hate him, to fucking kill him if he had to. Only to destroy the love that hurt him so deeply. He thought Stede didn’t care about him at all.
Now he sees the real thing. Stede cares a big deal, so much it hurts. Ed understands immediately. He freaked out. Both of them did. And everything went to hell. Now…well. They’ll have to figure it out.
So he decides to tell the truth.
With a deep breath, he starts. “This was all me.” He feels like he’s saying that more to himself than to anyone else. Suddenly, all the gravy basket shit starts making sense. He does hate himself. He even made the man he loves cry. Fucking hell.
“Of course not!” Stede doesn’t believe him, and his protest comes along with a hand on Ed’s wrist. That simple touch does something to Ed’s heart, but Stede is still speaking, so he decides to ignore it. “You were fine before I left…”
“I wasn’t. I never was.” Ed interrupts him. A sad grin climbs up his face as he realizes the profundity of his words. Shit. How long had he been ignoring that?
“But-” Stede’s brow furrows. His eyes sparkle at Ed, always so bright and warm, even now, filled with tears. He cares so much. It’s almost overwhelming.
Even though Ed wants to crumble right before him too, he holds Stede’s gaze firmly, determined to keep it together. He is going to calm Stede down, make him feel better. Even if it’s the last thing he does. “You were right, I rushed into things. Because for the first time in my life, I was happy. You made me happy.”
“And then I boned it!” Stede cries, and that’s the last straw. Ed just can’t take all that I hate myself and I just destroy people’s lives attitude anymore.
“Just like you sa-!” Stede stops when he feels Ed touch. He’s holding his cheek, looking deeply into his eyes. There’s a sudden silence between them. Finally.
“Just shut up for a moment.” Ed asks.
Stede’s lips part, still trembling, but he keeps silent. Good.
Ed continues.
“I…wanted to die. Long before I even knew about you.” The declaration seems to pierce through Ed’s stomach. Damn, that’s more difficult than he realized. But he does it anyway. He has to.
“I just didn’t have the guts to do it. I even asked Izzy at certain point, and he couldn’t either.”
Ed doesn’t see the shocked look on Stede’s face, his eyes are away. He’s back there, giving the gun to Izzy, then turning around and opening his arms, basically begging for him to finally end his torment. He had never felt so alone.
Ed senses a slight pressure on his wrist and feels himself being pulled away from the darkness again. Fuck, how does Stede do that? Is he even aware of it???
“Why?” Stede whispers, so pure, so delicate.
Ed can’t answer that. Can’t meet his eyes. He just shakes his head. Shrugs.
After a few moments, the words come out of him, before he can even think of them. “I guess that’s one of the reasons I became a pirate in the first place. The danger. Constantly flirting with death. For one thing, it turned me on. So, I kept putting myself in all the craziest situations I could think of, because…I wanted to see how it would end. But it never did. I actually became famous, and I never cared about that. Didn’t care about shit. I just started to when I met you.”
When he finds Stede’s eyes again, all the memories come back at once.
Wanna do something weird?
You wear fine things well.
I’m not a good person, Stede! That’s why I don’t have any friends!
I’m your friend.
You came back!
Never left.
So…I reckon that…what makes Ed happy…is…you…
…you make Stede happy too.
Then Stede left him.
Ed always knew it was too good to be true.
He blinks, suddenly back to the present moment, truly overwhelmed. He feels himself trembling. Stede is still there, watching him patiently, concerned, his fingers suddenly touching Ed’s. It is surprisingly comforting, and he relaxes immediately. After a deep, shaky breath, he says the final words.
“When you left, I came back here and waited for you. But you never showed up, so I thought I had lost you, forever. Lost my only chance to be happy. I made up my mind then. I finally had nothing left to live for.”
Ed looks down. “And…all the shit I did with the crew that caused the mutiny…it was my call. Alone.” His head pends, he can’t bring himself to face Stede. If he does, he is sure he will fall apart.
Stede stays quiet, for a surprising long time. He stops shaking, at least.
After long minutes, Ed can find it in himself to look at him again, and sees that he still cries, silently. His eyes are wandering, letting the words sink in, trying to see the logic behind them.
Still, the tension in his brow tells Ed he still doesn’t agree. He can read him like an open book, always could. Stede’s so honest, so transparent, never afraid to show what he’s feeling. Ed loves that. Loves him. Damn it.
And now, Stede’s torn. Even though he does believe what Ed says, he still feels responsible. Well, no one can say he’s not. Ed’s always felt shit about his life, but being abandoned by Stede was just the push he needed to fall off the cliff. Stede hurt him like no one ever had before. Ed’s still desperately in love, but he’s also hurt. He can’t trust him yet.
So, Ed tries to make the best of the current situation. Stede’s around again. Ed gets to see, hear and touch him. Strangely, it makes the pain hurt a little less. And a little more, at the same time.
He drags his thumb through Stede’s face, drying his tears, but it’s not much use. The man is all weepy, eyes swollen, sniffling.
Ed waits in silence; his eyes go away. He, too, has a lot on his mind. Damn. He really tried to get himself killed. He actually had been wishing he were dead for…how long? Since he became a pirate? Probably since the day his mother died. When he really became alone.
His crewmates, CJ…even Izzy…none of them ever actually helped with the hole in his heart. It might have gotten bigger in time, even.
Until Stede came. His Stede. The man he loves more than anything in the world. He is sure of that. But he won't say it out loud. Not now.
When he looks at Stede again, his tears stopped. He hadn’t noticed before, but Stede looks so tired. Older, even. He probably does, too. So much has happened.
Stede takes a deep, slowly breath, and looks at him again. When he speaks, the guilt drips from his every word, raw and sincere. “You never lost me. Ed, I…”
“I know that now.” Ed can’t help interrupting him again. He gazes Stede with affection, though the weight of it all pushes his whole expression down, eyes, mouth and eyebrows a complete portrait of loss.
How could he have known? Stede didn’t even leave a note. Just left. And broke Ed’s heart in a million pieces. Yet, Ed never thought that Stede himself would be the one to start putting them all together again.
Stede holds his gaze, understanding, then sighs. “I never intended to hurt you. If I could go back, I would…”
He doesn’t finish, tears form in his eyes again. Instead, Stede steps in, and that makes Ed’s heart skip a beat. He keeps ignoring his own reactions, more focused on reassuring him, eyes locked on Stede’s. “I know.” He answers, simply. He does know. Both of them could have made different decisions.
“Oh, Ed…” When he can’t find the words, Stede’s head falls down and touches Ed’s chest, resting there for a bit. He doesn’t move another muscle. It’s like he’s testing if Ed is going to shove him away. In response, Ed puts his arms around him, pulling him close, and Stede seems to relax, hugging him too.
Ed rests his chin on top of Stede’s head, closing his eyes again. Fuck, he feels himself shaking, invaded by a torrent of different feelings. He can’t speak. Can’t cry, even. At least he doesn’t need to pretend he’s fine near Stede.
On the contrary. Stede’s hand goes to Ed’s back, drawing reassuring circles around it. He doesn’t even need to ask, and Stede is already offering help. That starts to untangle the tight knot around his heart.
“I’m so sorry.” Stede whispers, and Ed is surprised at how good that feels.
“Thank you.” He whispers back, sincere. Taking a deep breath, he feels the tension fading from his muscles as the words play again in his mind. Pirates don’t apologize. He never imagined it could be so important.
They stay like this for a while, holding each other in silence. After some time, Ed manages to breathe normally again, and now he can feel their hearts beating together, almost in sync.
I love being near you.
Breathing the same air.
The words come to Ed’s mind again, and he can’t help but grin at how true they are right now. He just wanted to see Stede again. Hear his voice. Feel his warmth. He doesn’t need anything else. He can face the whole world just having that angelic man beside him.
When Ed senses movement, he looks down and finds Stede gazing him with infinite affection. His heart stops.
Stede’s so close. His eyes are mesmerizing, reflecting different colors every time he looks again, just like the sea. In the moonlight, his golden waves glow like he really is an angel, one that came directly from Heaven to save him. Stede saved him, when he was sure he wanted to die.
Ed sees that small curl out of place, falling on Stede’s eyes like it always does, and decides to touch it, putting it gently back behind his ear. The slight brush of his skin against Stede’s is enough to make his heart start beating again, so fast he thinks it’s going to shatter his chest and fall off.
A sudden urge to be closer takes over him, and he’s leaning in before he can think of it.
His gaze trails between Stede’s eyes and lips, while the man is immobile, lips parted, waiting, so inviting…
For a moment, there’s just them.
Two lost souls, reunited.
Missing each other.
In love.
Then Ed stops.
Remembers himself.
He can’t do this.
Only then he realizes how they’re all tangled together, just like that day when he poured his heart out and asked Stede to run away with him.
And kissed him.
They said so much, felt so much. But it all went from Heaven to Hell too quickly.
He can’t take that risk again.
He takes a sudden step back, arms falling to the sides. Stede stays where he is. Ed immediately misses his touch and has to look away. He needs to take some distance, or else he’ll get lost, rush in and scare Stede, and both of them will make bad decisions, all over again.
He can’t let this happen.
When he finally gazes Stede, sees him crossing his arms around himself again, hurt. Fuck, why can’t they stop doing that to each other?
But then Stede realizes Ed’s staring at him and tries to mask his pain with a sad grin.
The tension thickens between them, to the point that Ed decides this is the perfect moment for a bath. “Well. I…probably should…”
“Yes, of course.” Stede nods. He’s so delicate. Looks fragile, even. Ed feels guilty for pulling away from him, but he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes.
Ed wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what. Should he apologize? Explain himself? Wait for Stede to say something??? He doesn’t know.
So, his decision is to let the moment pass.
“…right.” He says simply, feeling his heart shrinking once more as he turns away. He’s pretty sure Stede’s going to throw something at him, very soon.
“Ed.”
He stops turning and looks at Stede over his shoulder. “Yeah?” He braces himself. He knows Stede’s mad at him for going for a kiss and giving up halfway. He’s ready for the yelling. It happened before. Not with Stede, though.
But for some reason, Stede’s whole being is filled with hope when Ed gazes him. His smile is so pure, so sincere that it reaches his eyes, and they now glow with care and affection.
“It’s good to have you back.”
And there he is again. The sun, shining bright at him. He can’t help a wide grin. His heart fills with hope as well.
Stede is nothing like any other guy he has been with. He doesn’t even need to tell him he needs time, or why. Stede knows. He understands. And Ed can’t love him enough for that.
“Thanks mate.”
-
After a long, relaxing bath with those yummy lavender soaps (that’s right, he kept them hidden in his clothes), Ed comes back to the cabin a new man. Stede welcomes him with a warm smile, and things feel almost normal again.
“What are these towels?” He asks. “They smell so fucking good!”
“They have drops of Eucalyptus oil in them, that’s why they smell so good. Courtesy of the Pirate Queen. Well, sort of.” Something passes through Stede’s face as he speaks, but Ed’s paying attention to something else.
“You can lick us all??? Weird.” Ed squints. That’s a weird name. “No, that can’t be right. Can it?” He asks himself, frowning, then he tilts his head when a memory comes to his mind. “Although I’ve been to a tavern once called ‘You Can Lick It All’ because they served drinks on the servants' bodies. It was a fun place, but really dirty. When too many people got Syphilis, they had to close down. Anyway, what’s the name again?”
Stede has that lovely face when he’s equally impressed and disgusted, the way he always gets after most of Ed’s stories. His expression is a mix of a smile and a grimace. “That’s quite tragic.”
Ed can’t help but smile back at him. He missed this. “It is.”
There’s a brief moment between them, but Stede quickly recovers. “Well, Eucalyptus is a tree, from the Philippines. Its leaves produce a relaxing oil, which I’m certain was dripped in these towels. Hence the good smell.”
“…Right” Ed keeps hearing ‘you can lick us’, but he isn’t going to argue. It’s been a fucking long day. But a good one, he gathers. He likes being near Stede again. Talking without thinking, not having to give orders, just being…Ed. He had forgotten how great that feels.
“I’ll be back soon. Maybe you could tell me more about these quaint places you’ve been, later.”
“Alright.”
They exchange a look, and Stede leaves. All of a sudden, the room feels too empty. And so does Ed.
While Stede bathes, Ed looks around, and again notices how Stede’s skilled at making a place comfortable. Even with so little furniture. It’s cute and funny at the same time.
He’s a terrible pirate, always has been. Yet, he’s so smart, creative and optimistic (maybe a bit lucky too) that he manages to outsmart any formidable pirate Ed’s ever met. Even the Pirate Queen, as it seems. Damn, he disarmed fucking Blackbeard without even trying.
Walking towards the improvised bed Stede made with blankets and pillows just for him (ugh, he’s so sweet), Ed looks at Stede’s nook and notices it far away. That bothers him more than he can admit.
So, he moves it all, taking care not to undo Stede’s work, and puts the thing near Stede’s own bed. Then he realizes it’s too close and moves it back. One of the pillows falls off. He grunts. “Shit!”
He’s ready to throw the fucking thing out of the room when he hears the door opening, and immediately dives into the improvised bed, lying on it with the runaway pillow right under his head, that way it doesn’t flee again. He’s not too close to Stede’s bed. He hopes.
“Oh! You moved it.”
Stede’s voice alerts him, and he sits up instantly, nervous. There goes the fucking pillow again, but he grabs it quickly, fighting a boiling urge to stab it. “Yeah. It’s just that I prefer being closer to the window. You know, looking at the sky and such.” He’s not exactly lying. Everybody likes a view.
Stede’s not saying anything. His mouth is parted, as if he’s choosing the words. Fuck. He doesn’t want to be near Ed anymore. Of course he doesn’t. “I can put it back.” Ed adds, nervously.
Stede snorts, dismissing his concerns instantly with a reassuring smile. “No, no! You don’t have to. I like it better that way.”
“Okay.” So Ed lays on his back again, an arm behind his head, under the runaway pillow. He relaxes against it, and fuck, it’s so soft. He doesn’t know why Stede is so good to him.
He watches Stede organize his things and lay on his nook, resting his hands together on top of his belly. Both of them stay quiet, enjoying the comfortable silence. Ed knows they still have a lot to discuss. But not today.
When he thinks Stede is already fast asleep, he calls.
“Ed?”
“Yes?” Ed looks up, but Stede hasn’t moved.
“I want you to know I’ll do my best to make it up to you.”
Ed chuckles silently. He wants to say there’s no need, that Stede apologized more than he had to already, but he knows it’s no use. That wonderful man is as stubborn as a mule.
There is something he can use, though.
“Well, you could help me make it up to the crew.” He suggests casually.
“Of course!” Stede shifts to face him, laying on his side, getting so close to the edge of the bed his hand hangs on the air while he speaks. “Have you tried saying you’re sorry? For…all the…things…” Stede looks away, hesitant.
Ed’s brow furrows as he follows Stede’s thinking. He doesn’t like to recall it. He was a dick. “You mean, for all the torture, threats and series of attempts to kill everyone, including myself???” He sums it up as quick as he can, as if that’ll make it all disappear.
“Yeah…that.” When he looks at Stede again, he’s horrified. Ed can’t hold back a grin. He’s so human. Ed needed that. Someone to remind him he’s a person, not just a murderous ghost made of smoke. Sometimes it feels like Stede is the only one that sees him for who he really is. Just Ed.
Stede’s voice takes him away from his thoughts. Again. “So? Did you do it???”
Ed blinks. “What?” Fuck, he was daydreaming again, wasn’t he? What was that they were talking about?
“Did you tell the crew you’re sorry?” Stede asks again, watching him patiently. The moonlight involves his body, and for a moment, Ed wishes he would be the one doing that. Laying beside him, chest flushed against his back, a brief kiss on his temple.
Anyway. Saying sorry.
Ed snorts, trying not to give away the fact he was completely immersed in thoughts that had absolutely nothing to do with the topic they were discussing. “Shit, no! I’ve never apologized for anything in my life.”
“You might as well start then. Let them know you regret all those things. Or else they could try to kill you. Again.” Stede says firmly, eyes going wide to make his point.
Those logical arguments have an impact on Ed, and this time he focuses on what Stede is saying. He never really thought about it. All he ever knew was that the captain gave the orders, and the crew followed. Or killed him. He knows nothing about making amends.
Also, having Stede apologizing to him did make him feel a lot better.
“…Huh.” He says after some time, raising his eyebrows. It’s certainly something to consider. “Maybe.” But he knows he doesn’t need to decide right away. He can think about it tomorrow.
Glancing at the moon, he sees that tomorrow is already close. “We should get som-”
He stops mid-sentence when sees Stede’s eyes already closed, his body pending towards Ed as he relaxes. That pulls a grin from Ed’s lips. Stede’s too adorable, he just can’t take it.
“…night…Ed.”
Those two mumbled words make warmth spread through Ed’s chest. Stede’s care never seem to stop amazing him. It’s so pure, so sweet…it makes him dizzy.
He stays still for a moment, enjoying that feeling, smiling, admiring Stede. Fuck, he’s so in love. Even after everything they went through, he’s undeniably in love with that man.
Turning his gaze to the ceiling, Ed takes a deep breath. He feels…lighter. As if he finally managed to treat an old wound. It still hurts, but now he can live with it. Yeah, now he can live.
His eyes find Stede again, and he watches him, breathing in and out, so peaceful. Stede’s his sun, a light in the dark. Was it a lighthouse that he mentioned, once? If so, Stede certainly is his.
Ed is surprised he is feeling his eyelids heavy already, after weeks, wait, was it months? Staying awake for so long that he watched the night come and go again.
He sees Stede’s arm dropping, hand close to the floor, and reaches for his fingers gently, barely brushing his fingertips. That mere touch makes his heart race, and he holds his breath, letting himself feel hopeful for a moment. Maybe they’ll work things out. Maybe they can be together for real. No one knows.
He closes his eyes, sighing peacefully, imagining he and Stede have another life. They run an inn or a restaurant or whatever Stede wants by day, walk on the beach at sunset, and do all the shit they want at night. They might even have a pet. No captains, no orders, no navy. Just them.
“Good night, Stede.” He whispers with a smile that Stede can’t see, and wonders if, one day, he’ll fall asleep in his arms.
As if it’s an answer, he feels Stede entangling his fingers around his, but can’t tell if it’s reality or dream, his mind is slipping away.
Either way, this certainly is a good night.
At last.