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There’s something different about Tanuma, recently. Takashi couldn’t put his finger on it for the longest time, but lately he’s started to realize what it is.
Tanuma has been undergoing a growth spurt. Once that had dawned on Takashi, he hasn’t been able to stop looking at him. He doesn’t mean to stare—the last thing he wants is to be creepy or weird, especially towards him—but it’s really hard not to look and it’s somewhat easy to do it in a way that no one notices. He stares when Tanuma is talking to him, when they’re walking together and Tanuma is striding ahead of him just a bit, from across the hall at school when Tanuma isn’t paying attention.
In the past couple of weeks, it’s become so obvious. Tanuma is different. He’s gotten taller. His shoulders have broadened, and even through the school uniform it’s evident that he’s been gaining muscle too. The planes of his face have sharpened just the slightest bit. He looks older.
It’s hardly surprising. They’re halfway through their second year, and Tanuma is going to turn seventeen soon. Everyone is getting taller and looking more grown up. But for some reason, on Tanuma it’s so…stark. Maybe Takashi just thinks about it too much, but he hasn’t noticed it happening to his other friends quite as plainly.
He pays such close attention to Tanuma. He isn’t sure exactly why. All of his friends are so dear, and he adores them so much, but whenever Tanuma is nearby it’s like there’s a magnet that’s drawing Takashi straight to him. He wants to take every opportunity to study the way his hair falls around his face and how he slouches when he walks and the words he chooses to use when he speaks. It’s always been that way, in retrospect, but for some reason it’s been on his mind much more lately. It might have something to do with how much Tanuma has been changing, or it might not.
One thing is for sure, though, and that is the fact that the growth spurt is mesmerizing. Takashi doesn’t really know how to feel about it. He definitely feels some specific type of way, but he hasn’t worked out just what it is yet. He doesn’t know the word to describe the feelings that stir in his belly when he looks at Tanuma and has to tilt his head back just a little more than before, or how Tanuma’s smile doesn’t lift his cheeks quite the same way. It’s…different. It’s the same Tanuma he’s always known, but it’s also not. There’s an understated maturity, a subtle sophistication that has maybe always been there but is definitely more pronounced now.
Takashi doesn’t know if he likes it. Change isn’t usually a good thing. Change means loss and heartache and things becoming unfamiliar when they were once such a comfort. When things stay the same, it means he’s safe and secure.
Maybe it’s silly to feel frightened by something as normal and inevitable as physical growth. He’s been growing too—he’d just gotten new shoes a few months ago and went up half a size. But then he thinks about the fact that they’re all hurdling headlong into young adulthood and that thought is terrifying.
Tanuma’s growth spurt has been bringing all those thoughts to mind a little more lately. Still, Takashi wouldn’t say he dislikes the way he’s beginning to look now. The other day, Tanuma had come to collect him from his classroom after school and something about the way he’d opened the door and leaned nonchalantly against the frame made Takashi’s brain spit out the word handsome.
He’d blinked in surprise at himself. Yes, he supposes that Tanuma is handsome and always has been, but he’d never explicitly thought it before. Is it weird to admire that quality about a friend? Is it weird that, when he’s walking by Tanuma’s side, he wants to reach out a take his hand? Is it weird that he wants to know so badly how Tanuma’s body would feel pressed against his?
It’s probably—definitely weird. He thinks sometimes about what it would be like to sidle up next to him the next time they’re sleeping over at Tanuma’s house, what it would feel like if Tanuma wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close.
He usually shuts those thoughts down quickly, though, because they feel taboo or something and they always make his stomach churn and his face feel really, really hot.
Takashi has never been a particularly touchy person. Growing up, no one had really ever seemed to want to touch him, and that was okay. On the occasions where people had, it usually…wasn’t a good thing. But he always looked at other families, always saw parents holding their children’s hands or scooping them up into hugs. He saw lovers with their arms twined around each other’s waists. He saw friends high-fiving or hanging off each other in ways that spoke of profound familiarity. He saw all the ways that touch meant affection and love and it took a while but one day he realized that he was aching for it.
Nowadays, the people in his life are far more affectionate than anyone else has ever been. Nishimura, especially, casually touches him in the way he’s always seen friends do with one another. Even if Takashi doesn’t necessarily always want it—it’s hard to get used to, really, when there’s always been an invisible barrier between him and other human beings—he appreciates it for what it is. It makes him feel like a normal person, like maybe he isn’t as different from his peers as he’s always thought. The way Touko and Shigeru pat his head still makes him blush, makes his insides feel warm, even though it’s been over a year since he moved into their house. He hopes he never takes these small acts for granted.
Tanuma is different—in all aspects, he is different. He resides in a different realm from every other person Takashi has ever met. They don’t touch each other very much. It feels like a forbidden thing, like Takashi is only allowed to do it under special circumstances. Not because of anything Tanuma has ever said or done, but because the thought of touching Tanuma is terrifying. Tanuma is…precious, and fragile, and something to be treasured and revered in the way one would put a beautiful ornate plate on display in china cabinet. There to look at and admire and enjoy, but to keep locked away behind glass.
So, usually, they only have contact if Tanuma initiates it first—and he doesn’t very often.
For the longest time, Takashi has been okay with that. More than okay, because being able to call Tanuma his closest friend is a privilege that tops everything else. But in the past few weeks, there’s been a strange itch building. An itch to hold Tanuma’s hand, to press his cheek against his chest, to be close to him. The more he thinks about it, even though he tries his hardest not to, the more he thinks it might definitely be linked to the fact that Tanuma has grown. And that is puzzling in and of itself. Takashi doesn’t understand it, and he understands even less what to do about it.
There’s nothing he really can do. Nothing except stew in frustration and try not to think about it. His efforts don’t seem to be doing much, though.
He groans and lets his head fall onto the textbook sitting open on his desk. He’s been trying to do his homework, but he hasn’t made much progress.
“What are you moaning about now?”
Takashi rolls his head sideways. “Nothing.”
“It’s definitely something. You’ve been staring at that page for an hour now.”
“It’s nothing, Sensei. I just…have a lot on my mind.”
“Hm.” Papers rustle as the cat jumps up on the desk. “Looks to me like it’s just one thing.”
Takashi’s head snaps up. Nyanko-sensei is standing by his notebook, studying the doodles in the margins of his scant notes. He’s horrified to realize that most of them are of Tanuma’s name. He’s always had this habit of doodling absentmindedly when he’s thinking about something and not paying attention to exactly what he was scribbling. He hadn’t noticed just how many times he’d written it, and it brings heat rushing into his cheeks. How humiliating.
He scrambles to cover the page, slamming the notebook shut in a flurry of papers. “Those don’t mean anything, Sensei!”
“Oh, come on. Any half-witted fool could tell how distracted you’ve been lately, and while I wasn’t entirely sure why until now, it’s obvious. You’ve been thinking about Tanuma.” He comes to stand directly in front of Takashi and his eyes narrow in accusation. “Why?”
“It’s none of your business. And it doesn’t matter, anyway.”
“I would argue that it actually matters a lot.” Nyanko-sensei lifts a paw and jabs it at Takashi’s forehead. “Like I said, you’re distracted, and that makes you vulnerable. If your head’s not in the game, it’s easier for spirits to attack you, and that makes it my business.” When Takashi bats him away, he sits back and turns his nose up in the air. “Really, you’ve always been obsessed with him—though I’ll never understand why—but this is just getting ridiculous.”
Takashi groans and falls back to lie on the floor, covering his face with his arm. He really doesn’t want to be having this conversation right now, or ever. “I don’t know. I don’t understand it either.”
Nyanko-sensei is silent for so long after that that Takashi removes his arm and lifts his head up to look at him. The lucky cat is sitting stone-still, regarding him with a strange expression.
“What?”
Nyanko-sensei makes a thoughtful noise. “Humans are so stupid, it’s painful to watch sometimes. You, especially.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He sighs. “If you want to see him so badly, why don’t you just go over to his house?”
“I can’t just intrude like that last-minute.” He drops his head back and stares at the ceiling. Now he’s thinking about what would happen if he did go over to Tanuma’s house unannounced. The thought lights a spark of excitement, but he can’t. What would he say? “He’s probably having dinner right now, anyway.”
“All the more reason to go. I’ll come with you.”
“I’m not going to his house, Sensei.”
“You’re hopeless. You’ll never get anything you want if you don’t ask for it, you know.” The cat stands and stretches with a yawn. “Well, if you’re not going to do anything interesting, I’m going out drinking. Bye!”
Before Takashi can get out another word, his sensei hops out the open window and disappears.
Takashi is left with the words ringing in his ears.
—
He thinks long and hard about the conversation in the days following. Has he really been that distracted? Nyanko-sensei is right about one thing—he can’t afford to let his concentration slip. Balancing his time between humans and spirits is getting harder and harder as each world takes up more and more of his thoughts and energy. He thinks he’s been doing a decent job of juggling his responsibilities to each, but maybe his sensei did have a point.
He’s been thinking about Tanuma a lot. When they’re together, he takes all of Takashi’s attention. When they’re not together, Takashi is wishing that they were. Maybe it is becoming a bit of a problem, but it isn’t one that he knows how to solve. Nothing bad has come of it yet and Takashi intends to keep it that way, but what is he supposed to do about it?
He’s sitting by the pond near his house one afternoon. It’s late summer and the fireflies are beginning to wink awake as the sun sinks lower in the sky. Nyanko-sensei is out again—Takashi doesn’t know where he could’ve possibly gotten off to now, but he doesn’t care too much at the moment. A warm breeze rustles the tall grass and carries the scent of wildflowers over the water to him, and he’s glad to be alone. It’s peaceful and quiet, the type of environment he doesn’t get to enjoy very often.
“Oh, hello, Natsume.”
He screws his eyes shut and tries very hard not to groan aloud. One afternoon. He just wants one all to himself.
When he turns, he’s a little surprised to see a familiar michiyuki coat. “Hi, Hinoe.” He doesn’t let his irritation slip into his voice since it’s not really fair.
She sits in the grass beside him and raises her pipe to her lips. “It’s a nice evening, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Her energy is calm and it’s clear she hadn’t been seeking him out, so Takashi relaxes. “What are you doing out here?”
“I just felt like taking a walk, and I remembered the fireflies gather out here so I decided to come and watch for a while.” She exhales a thin stream of smoke. “You?”
“The same, more or less.”
It strikes Takashi, sometimes, how most spirits aren’t all that different from humans. Here they are, at the same place at the same time, for the same purpose. It’s endearing how so many spirits enjoy simple things too, like watching fireflies and admiring flowers.
“Hmm.” She looks out over the water, the breeze blowing her hair back from her face the slightest bit. “I like to come here to think. Being near water is good for reflecting, don’t you agree?”
“I guess it is.”
She looks at him then, a thin eyebrow lifting almost imperceptibly. “Is something on your mind, Natsume?”
He blinks. “What makes you ask that?”
“You have a thoughtful look about you right now. Usually it doesn’t seem like there’s anything going on in your brain, but you look different now.”
He chooses to ignore the insult. “I…guess I have a few things on my mind.”
“Would you care to talk about it?”
“Not really. It’s human stuff. I doubt you’d be interested.” He draws his knees up to his chest and rests his chin on them, picks at a loose thread on his pants. “It’s just… Have you ever cared about something so much it hurt? Like, if you suddenly lost it, you think you’d die? And you want to do everything you can to protect it, even if it means locking it away and never getting to see it anymore, but at the same time… You miss it more than anything in the world. The whole time it’s right next to you, and you still miss it.”
He doesn’t know where the words came from, or why they suddenly spilled out of his mouth before he could stop them, but maybe that’s okay. Hinoe is probably as neutral a party as he could find, and she had asked. Even if she doesn’t understand or care all that much, maybe it’s okay to get this off his chest.
Hinoe gives him a strange look. She tilts her head and studies him for a moment too long before saying, “No.”
Takashi sighs. “Figures.”
“Does this thing that you miss need so much protecting?”
“Yes,” he answers without thinking. “Well—yes. He wouldn’t need it so much if I wasn’t around. And maybe it’s selfish of me, but I—I can’t not be around him.”
Hinoe starts laughing then. It starts as a chuckle and escalates until she’s doubled over and wiping tears from her eyes.
Takashi is taken aback. He has no idea what she could possibly be laughing at. “What’s so funny?”
“Oh, you really are dim sometimes.” The laughing tapers off and she fixes him with an amused smile. “You could have just said you’re in love.”
Takashi goes rigid. The words strike him like lightning. In love?
He’s not—he’s not in love.
Being in love is when a boy and a girl go on dates to the movies and hold hands and get married. Being in love is when Nishimura won’t stop moaning about a girl who will never return his affections. It’s when Touko and Shigeru sit together on the porch and Touko lays her head on Shigeru’s shoulder and he puts a hand on her back, and…and they share a chaste kiss when they think Takashi isn’t looking…
Suddenly it feels like his face is on fire.
He can’t be in love with Tanuma. Tanuma is his precious friend. He’s a boy. That’s… That’s impossible.
But then he thinks about Tanuma’s gentle smile, his long fingers and his dark eyes when they look into Takashi’s. He thinks about how being with Tanuma makes him indescribably happy in a way he’s never experienced with anyone else. Being with him… It’s the best thing in the world. He never wants to be anywhere else.
For a moment, he allows himself to imagine the two of them like Touko and Shigeru. He pictures himself older, in a house, cooking dinner while waiting for Tanuma to get home from work. In his mind, they eat a quiet dinner and play shogi as the sun sets through the open sliding door. They walk to town to go shopping together, hand in hand, and have matching umbrellas by the front door. They kiss, soft and sweet, as often as they like.
Takashi can almost taste his own heartbeat.
“Did you…” Hinoe’s voice pulls him from the fantasy. “Did you not know that you’re in love?”
“I’m not.” He mutters it under his breath, feeling like he’s in some sort of trance.
“Please.” Hinoe takes another drag from her pipe. “I’d know that look anywhere. I see it on humans all the time.”
He’s reeling. He doesn’t know the first thing about being in love. Is that really what this is? “I’ve never been in love before. I don’t know what it’s like.”
“I suppose I couldn’t really tell you what it’s like, but you are most certainly in love, Natsume.”
Something occurs to him suddenly. “You were in love with Reiko, weren’t you?”
Hinoe waves a hand dismissively. “Spirits being in love is different.”
That doesn’t sound quite right. He’s met plenty of spirits who were in love before, and while every story was unique, most of them loved so deeply they were willing to go to the ends of the earth for the ones they cared about.
“I was in love with her.” A wistful look comes over her as she gazes out over the water. Her hair covers her face so that Takashi can only see her nose and mouth. “But it’s foolish to fall in love with humans, so I didn’t entertain it.”
Something squeezes Takashi’s chest. “I…think I can relate, in a way.”
“What are you talking about, boy?” She sounds exasperated now. “You’re in love with another human. You get to experience growing old together, living a human life. Don’t dismiss that privilege.”
A faint pang of guilt hits him and he curls in on himself a little more.
“You say you want to protect him by staying away from him, but that’s the stupidest thing you could do. If you love him, stay by his side. You can protect him best from there.”
Takashi pulls in a sharp breath. “He—he doesn’t even know how I feel.”
“Why the hell not?”
He blushes again and scowls. “It’s not something you can just talk about! It’s… It’s complicated. He might not feel the same way, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.”
“I’ll never understand humans,” Hinoe deadpans. “How is he supposed to know how much you treasure him if you don’t tell him? Unless you want to take it to your grave.”
Does he? Does he really want to keep these feelings to himself and never have Tanuma know just how much he cares about him? That thought makes him feel a little ill. But, so does confessing to him.
Confessing.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know what I want.”
“Well,” she says, standing slowly and reaching a hand down to him, which he takes. “Don’t take too long to figure it out. You’ll only regret it if you do.”
Takashi stands and brushes off his pants. The sun is almost down, and darkness is enveloping the forest. He smiles. “Thank you, Hinoe. I didn’t know you were so good at giving advice.”
She scoffs. “Why are you so surprised? I’ve been around a long time.”
“Well, thank you, anyway. I’ll see you around.” He turns in the direction of his house and starts to walk off before she calls after him.
“Natsume?”
He pauses and looks back over his shoulder.
Hinoe smiles in a gentle way he’s not sure he’s ever seen from her before. “Whoever this boy is who’s the target of your affection, he’s lucky. And he must be very special, to be loved by you.”
Takashi blinks rapidly. His vision blurs and his nose smarts, but he ignores it. “Thank you, Hinoe.”
—
Takashi taps his pencil against his textbook. He can’t stop fidgeting lately.
“Natsume.”
He lifts his head off his fist and looks at Taki questioningly.
She smiles softly, a look that’s almost akin to sympathy in her eyes. “Is something wrong? You seem…distracted.”
It’s getting a little annoying how often he’s been told that in the past week. He had asked to come over to study together, but once again, he hasn’t done much studying. It’s not really the main purpose of his visit. They’ve been at it for nearly an hour, and the majority of that time has been spent trying to work up his nerve to broach the real reason he wanted to come.
It’s stupid how embarrassed he is to talk about it. The conversation with Hinoe had simultaneously cleared some things up and raised a whole slew of new questions that he has to work through now. So he’d come to Taki’s house to see if she could help, but he didn’t plan on just how hard it would be to bring it up to her.
“I, um.” He looks down at his book and feels his face warm up. “I was actually wondering if I could talk to you about something.”
He can feel the energy shift in the room. Taki stiffens and the curiosity that immediately emanates from her is almost palpable. “Of course you can.”
Takashi bites the inside of his cheek and fishes for the words. When he comes up empty, his blush deepens. He closes his textbook and slides it aside, fingers tightening round his pencil.
Taki waits patiently for a few moments before asking, “Is it about spirits? Is everything okay?”
The concern in her voice makes Takashi feel guilty. “No, no. Everything is fine. It isn’t about that.”
“Oh.” She sighs. “That’s a relief. Um… What is it, then?”
He closes his eyes, pulls in a breath, and forces the words out in a rush. “I think I’m in love with Tanuma.”
Silence stretches between them. Takashi can’t bring himself to look at her. He doesn’t know what he’s so afraid of, but this revelation is so new and jarring that he wouldn’t be able to stand it if she reacted with judgment—not that he thinks she would. But if she were to react badly, how would Tanuma react, if Takashi ever confessed? The three of them are so close. If he was ever to act on his feelings, he would need Taki’s support.
Taki makes a small gasp and Takashi finally looks up.
She’s covering her mouth with both hands and her eyes are shining. The expression looks oddly similar to the one she wears when Nyanko-sensei comes around. “Oh, Natsume, that’s—that’s wonderful. That’s the best news!”
“It…is?” His heart is warm, and the relief that floods him makes him sag against the floor. He didn’t expect her to be so happy about it. “Is it—I mean, that’s not weird, right? I’ve never been in love with anyone before, so I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do, or how I’m supposed to feel, and I don’t want anything to be weird.”
“It’s not weird.” She drops her hands and scoots toward him on her knees. “It’s not weird at all, Natsume. Are you… Are you sure you’re in love with him, or do you just think you are?”
He tilts his head in confusion. It’s a fair question, he supposes, but another unexpected reaction. “I…I’m sure. Or at least, as sure as I can be. Like I said, I don’t really know how I’m supposed to feel.”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to feel a certain way.” She looks off above his head in thought. “I’ve never been in love before either, but from what I’ve heard people say, when you are you just know.” Her eyes snap back to him, an eagerness burning brightly in them. “How do you feel about him?”
“Uh.” He sits up straight, his heart hammering lightly in his chest. He’s never spoken aloud about how he feels about Tanuma and it makes him blush again. “He—I think he’s the best person in the world. He makes me happy.” A small smile tugs at his mouth and he doesn’t try to hide it. “I want to be around him all the time. He’s so…thoughtful. And kind. He listens so well and thinks deeply about whatever you tell him, and he cares so much that I worry for him sometimes. He makes me feel calm and…and safe.”
The words flow out of his mouth like a stream of consciousness and before he knows it, he’s voiced something he’s never thought before. Tanuma makes him feel safe. For all the worrying Takashi does about his well-being, for all the sleepless nights he’s spent trying to figure out the best way to protect him, Tanuma still makes him feel safe. Not that he could necessarily hold his own against spirits, but in the sense that, when Takashi is with him, it feels like everything is going to be okay. He hasn’t always felt that way, but they’ve come a long way since Omibashira. Tanuma is his rock, steadfast and constant.
When Takashi has this thought, he knows for sure. “I love him.”
Taki makes a strangled, squealing noise. Takashi barely has time to brace himself before she launches forward and locks her arms around his neck. “I’m so happy for you both!”
He laughs and places his hands lightly on her back. “I haven’t even told him yet, Taki. I have no idea if he feels the same way.”
“Of course he does!” She pulls back, looking more elated than he’s ever seen her. Almost immediately, though, her expression goes slack and her eyes widen and her entire face reddens to the shade of a tomato. “I mean—o-of course, I’m sure he does! Anyone can see how much he cares about you!” She laughs nervously and scratches the back of her head.
Takashi’s brow furrows. Taki has always been the most obvious liar he’s ever met, but he has no idea what she could be blushing about. “That’s not the same thing as being in love, though. I—I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
“I don’t think you will!” She leans forward, her eyes practically sparkling. “You should tell him, Natsume! Immediately! Like today!”
Now Takashi is the one who laughs nervously and backs away a little. “Today? I think that might be a little hasty… I don’t even know what to say.”
“Tell him you love him, obviously!” She sits back on her knees and sighs. “You are both so frustrating, I swear. You’d be going around in circles forever if it weren’t for me.”
“Taki.” It’s clear now that something is going on. Takashi doesn’t know what it is, but he shouldn’t have to dig too hard to find out. “What’s up? Is there something you know that I don’t?”
“What? No!” She waves her hand. “I just…think it’s obvious that you both love each other, and I think you should talk about it, that’s all.”
Takashi folds his arms over his chest. “Taki…”
She lets out a groan and pounds a fist into her forehead. “I promised him I wouldn’t say anything! Ugh, fine.” She looks at Takashi again. “But don’t tell him I told you.”
He feels a bit nervous. “Told me what?”
“Tanuma has been in love with you for, like, the past year, Natsume.”
His breath catches in his throat. Whatever he’d been expecting to hear, that had certainly not been it. But that can’t be right. Tanuma has never given any indication of being in love with anyone, much less him. Surely Takashi would’ve had some clue about it, right? Taki must be mistaken.
“What? No, he hasn’t.”
“Yes, he has. He told me last November.”
November…? It’s September now. There’s just no way that can be true. “Wh… Why wouldn’t he say something to me?”
“Why do you think?” She gives him a look that he’s gotten too often lately, also. Like he’s missing something that’s obvious to everyone but him. “He thought it was one-sided. He didn’t want to ruin your friendship either, you know. You’re both too similar sometimes.”
He reaches up to touch his fingertips to his cheek, can feel the heat coming off of it. His heart is pounding and there’s a fluttering in his stomach. “Is that right?”
“That’s why you need to tell him. He’s been pining for ages.”
“Pining?” Images of Nishimura bemoaning an unrequited crush come to mind again. Not that Tanuma would be vocal about it, but it’s…extremely strange to think of anyone pining for him. Especially Tanuma. He’s never been the object of anyone’s desires, romantic or otherwise. Or at least, that’s what he’d always thought.
“Don’t tell him I told you!” Taki repeats.
“I won’t.” His mind is spinning. Tanuma has been in love with him this whole time… Every time they’ve hung out, every time they’ve gotten dragged into spirit business, every time they’ve taken shelter from rain or snow in that little bus stop, was Tanuma itching to tell him? Was he filled with thoughts of taking Takashi’s hand or holding him close, the way Takashi has been fantasizing about?
Takashi suddenly realizes how stupid he really is. Tanuma has been in love with him for a year, and he only just came to terms with his own feelings. If he’d paid better attention, maybe they could have—
“Natsume? Are you still there?”
He blinks out of his daze. “Yes. Sorry, Taki.”
She smiles softly. “So, you’re going to talk to him, right?”
“Um, yes. Yes, I’ll talk to him.” Even with this new revelation, his stomach still turns nauseatingly at the thought.
“Good.” Her smile broadens excitedly and she takes his hands. “You’re going to be such a cute couple! I’m jealous; I hope I find someone I care about that much someday.”
“I’m sure you will.” Takashi returns her smile, though it feels weak.
Her brows draw together. “Is something wrong? I thought you’d be more excited.”
“I am.” He stares at a knot in the wooden floorboards and feels his own insides tying themselves into knots. “I—I’m so nervous, though. I’ve never done anything like this before, and Tanuma is so…”
“Handsome?”
“He’s beautiful.” Takashi groans and lowers his forehead onto the table. “What if he’s been waiting too long and changed his mind?”
“Natsume, I can tell you with the utmost certainty that he hasn’t.”
He turns his head to look at her with one eye. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.” She reaches out to pat his shoulder. “But you need to talk to him soon. Just trust me.”
“Okay.” Slowly, he sits back up. “What should I say?”
The look Taki gives him then is full of the long-suffering patience of a saint. “Just be honest. Tell him how you feel about him. I’m sure you’ll both be able to work it out from there.”
And that’s just great, isn’t it? Being honest and talking about his feelings are probably the two things he’s the worst at in the whole world. He and Tanuma have come close to fighting before because Takashi finds those things so difficult to do.
Before his thoughts begin to spiral too much, he shakes his head. If doing difficult things is what he needs to do for Tanuma, he’ll do them. He’ll practice and he’ll get better and he’ll become good at them if it means he can be by Tanuma’s side. If it means cooking dinner for him and sleeping beside him every night and having matching umbrellas waiting by their front door, he’ll do anything.
He’ll do anything for Tanuma.
Suddenly, the need to see him is so urgent that he’s stuffing his school books and papers into his bag before he can register what it is exactly that he plans to do.
“Natsume?” Taki says.
“Thank you, Taki.” He stands to his full height and looks into her eyes, hoping that he can convey the depths of just how much she’s done for him with one conversation. “Thank you so much. I…I really owe you one.”
And Taki, gods bless her, seems to understand immediately. She gives a determined nod. “Go get your boy, Natsume.”
That’s exactly what he plans to do.
—
He’s panting for breath by the time he makes it to Tanuma’s front door. It’s almost dark, but he doesn’t even really notice as he presses the doorbell. “Hello? Sorry for the intrusion!”
For a moment, he’s afraid that no one is home. He hears no activity from within the house, no footsteps approaching the door.
His immediate reaction is to panic. What if something’s happened? What if Tanuma’s dad is out of town and he’s all alone and a malignant spirit came to his house again? It wouldn’t be the first time. It would be far from the first time Tanuma intentionally kept something important from him. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if something happened and he wasn’t here, if Tanuma was facing something dangerous on his own, right after he’d realized—
The door opens. The door opens and Tanuma is standing there, his tall frame blocking the light from inside. He’s wearing an apron and his hands are dripping with soapy water.
Takashi could almost laugh at himself. He’s really got to stop worrying so much.
“Natsume?”
His voice is the best thing Takashi has ever heard in his entire life. It feels like ages since he’s heard it, even though he’d seen Tanuma just that afternoon before they left school. It’s deep and a little raspy and Takashi wants to listen to it say his name again and again and again.
“Is everything okay?” Tanuma sounds alarmed. He steps out of the doorway a little and lifts a hand towards Takashi before realizing it’s still wet with dishwater. He wipes it on his apron. “You look really pale. What are you doing here so late? Are you alright?”
Takashi’s mouth opens and closes like a caught fish. He’d been so confident on his way here, but now that Tanuma is right in front of him, it’s like every thought in his brain had decided to scatter and disappear. There’s just—nothing.
“You’re scaring me, Natsume.” Tanuma’s brow is furrowed in worry. He’s regarding Takashi like he’s some wild animal, cautious and hesitant. “What’s going on?”
Finally, Takashi is able to draw in a breath and get some control over himself. He grips the strap of his school bag and backs up a couple of steps. “Sorry, Tanuma. Everything is fine. I just…”
Every fiber of his being is suddenly screaming that this is a bad idea. Tanuma is going to think he’s crazy. It doesn’t matter what Taki told him, because now that Tanuma is right in front of him, there doesn’t seem to be any way he could possibly go through with this. Not when he’s so real and tangible and Takashi can smell the scent of the temple incense that always clings to him like an aura.
But then Tanuma reaches out and grabs the fabric of his sleeve. “Wait. Let me get cleaned up and then we can talk, okay? Um—come inside and wait for just one minute.”
Despite everything, Takashi finds himself nodding. He enters the house and toes off his shoes, hangs his bag by the door like he’s done countless times before.
His heart is in his throat, lodged so tightly he can’t swallow past it. He hugs his own arms to his chest like a child. Why is he so scared? There’s nothing to be scared of. He’s safe—he’s at Tanuma’s house and Tanuma is just a room over and he’ll be back in a minute. There’s no reason to be scared around Tanuma.
But, deep down, he knows Tanuma isn’t really the reason he’s scared at all.
He’s scared of the fact that everything is about to change.
Even if he doesn’t say what he came here to say, their relationship is never going to be the same. The very fabric of their bond is different, even if Takashi is the only one who knows it. And he doesn’t—he doesn’t know if he’s ready for that. His and Tanuma’s friendship has been constant and unwavering for over a year. Takashi has always been able to count on it. There’s a quiet comfort in the way that he knows Tanuma will bump his fist in the hallway, or how they sometimes cross paths in the woods. Calm afternoons playing shogi, watching shadows of koi fish on the ceiling, drinking barley tea and lamenting about tests they didn’t study for.
He’s about to risk all of that. That could all be gone just because Takashi decided to utter three small words. Even if the change is good, it’s still change. It’s frightening how, now that he has a life he loves, he wants things to stay the same so badly that he’s having such reservations about telling his favorite person that he loves him. If there’s one thing he knows about life, it’s that it always changes, and somehow that doesn’t seem fair. He isn’t ready to let go of any of it.
But…
Tanuma has been in love with him this whole time, though. He wonders if it’s safe to assume that his friend has been dealing with the same feelings that Takashi is now, for much longer. Maybe the nature of their relationship has always been this way, even if he was unaware of it. Is it possible…things won’t actually be that different?
He ponders, for a moment, a future where he doesn’t confess to Tanuma at all. Where he keeps stewing in these feelings, too afraid to act on them. Where, every time he looks at Tanuma, he thinks about those same feelings being bottled up in him, too. That doesn’t seem fair either.
“He’s been pining for ages.”
No, Takashi has to tell him. Tanuma deserves to know. He’s always kept things to himself in order to protect the people he cares about—or at least, that’s what he always thought he was doing. And, of course, there are some things he really can’t talk about with those closest to him. But other things… Maybe keeping other things to himself is selfish. Maybe keeping this from Tanuma would only be to protect himself.
“You’ll never get anything you want if you don’t ask for it, you know.”
Takashi brings up his hands and slaps them to his cheeks. He has to do this.
“Natsume.”
Tanuma stands in the hallway. The apron is gone and Takashi sees that he’s wearing a baggy sweatshirt and shorts and for some reason it makes his stomach flip. It’s a much more casual outfit than he usually sees him wearing.
“Do you want to go to my room?” he asks.
Takashi nods. He follows Tanuma down the hall and drinks in the sight of his lanky form, his sauntering gate, and notices again how tall he is now. That sweatshirt would dwarf Takashi if he was to put it on.
His heart thuds in his chest when they near the bedroom. Tanuma closes the door and goes to sit on the bed.
Takashi just stands there and feels kind of lost.
“Are you gonna sit down?” Tanuma smiles uncertainly and pats the spot on the bed next to him.
Stiffly, Takashi sits, hands fisting on the fabric over his thighs. He makes sure to keep a respectable distance between them.
“So… What’s up? You’re making me a little nervous.” He laughs half-heartedly. “Are you sure everything is okay?”
Takashi swallows past the lump in his throat. God, he wishes it wasn’t so hard just to talk. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I promise. I just—I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Tanuma pale the slightest bit. “Is it about spirit stuff?”
“No.” It’s kind of sad how his friends just assume that now whenever they think something is wrong. Not that they don’t have reason to, but it highlights just how much of an impact his ability has on them. And on him. “It…actually has nothing to do with that, for once.”
Tanuma calms with a soft sigh and nudges Takashi’s knee with his own. “Then…?”
Here it goes. Takashi feels a little sick to his stomach. He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. “Tanuma, I… I’ve been thinking really hard about something for a while now, and I decided I needed to tell you. I don’t want it to change anything if you don’t want it to, or if it makes you uncomfortable, we can just forget about it and never bring it up again and that’s—that’s fine. I just—I thought I should be honest with you.”
He notices Tanuma go oddly still, his hands falling motionless on the blanket. “O-okay. Wh…what is it, Natsume?”
It’s definitely too late to back out now. He’s gone and made Tanuma anxious, and he feels like his own gut is about to bottom out too. There’s really going to be no going back from this.
He runs clammy palms down his thighs and pulls in a shuddering breath. Then, in a wild act of courage, he looks up and directly into Tanuma’s inky black eyes. “I love you.”
Tanuma exhales like he got punched in the stomach. His eyes go wide and his mouth hangs open like he forgot how to breathe. For a few long, never-ending seconds, he says nothing. Then he blinks a few times, dark eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks, and whispers, “You mean, like…”
“I mean I’m in love with you.” Takashi’s hands tremble so badly he has to sit on them. “I think I have been for a long time. But I didn’t realize it until recently, and I didn’t know if I should tell you because this is so…new for me and I couldn’t bear to lose you and I—I’m scared, Tanuma. I’ve never felt this way before. I treasure you so much I can’t even put it into words.” His chest hitches and as much as he doesn’t want to cry, his eyes start to well up. “I don’t want things to change between us, but I love you and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Before he can stop it, tears are flowing freely down his face. He’s mortified, but there’s nothing he can do. Nothing except hide his face in his hands and brace himself for whatever Tanuma might say or do.
He feels Tanuma get up from the bed and his heart nearly stops. But then there are slender fingers on his wrists gently prying his hands away.
“Natsume—hey, hey. It’s alright.”
He looks into Tanuma’s face and he’s never seen him wear an expression quite like this before. His eyes are shining and they’re so full of what Takashi can only describe as love, naked and pure. Tanuma is always, always gentle, but the tenderness in this expression now is too much for Takashi’s heart to bear. He feels like it’s about to burst out of his chest. He never wants Tanuma to look at him another way ever again.
Something unspoken passes between them. As if drawn by a magnet, Takashi launches himself into Tanuma’s arms and those arms receive him eagerly. One hand cups the back of his head and the other wraps around his shoulders and his face presses into Tanuma’s broad chest and he sobs. He’s been waiting for this for so long. He hadn’t even realized just how much he was starving for it. His hands clutch at the fabric on Tanuma’s back and he’s sure that if lets go, he’ll die. He wants to be held like this for the rest of his life.
Tanuma’s chest shudders too. His arms shift to get a better hold on Takashi’s smaller frame, crushing it into him, and he lifts his chin to rest on the top of Takashi’s head. “I never thought I’d hear you say that.” The words come as a hoarse, trembling whisper. “I’m so—I’m so happy.”
Takashi laughs through his tears. He’s so stupid. How could he have ever been hesitant about this? This feels like the only truly good thing he’s ever done.
They sit that way for a long time—long enough for their tears to taper off, and for Takashi’s knees to start aching from kneeling on the floor. Even then, he can’t bring himself to move. Tanuma’s hand is petting his hair and he can feel his rib cage expanding with every breath he takes. He inhales the scent of incense and laundry detergent and feels like he could get drunk on it.
Finally, though, they pull apart. Tanuma keeps his hands on Takashi’s shoulders.
“Are you okay, Natsume?”
“Yeah.” He wipes the last of the tears away with the heel of his palm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start crying. I don’t know why I—”
“Hey, don’t apologize.” Tanuma rises from his spot on the floor and takes Takashi’s hand, helping him stand and leading him to sit on the bed once more. “And don’t pretend I wasn’t crying too.”
Takashi laughs softly. There are a few droplets of moisture still clinging to Tanuma’s long lashes. He’s so beautiful, it hurts. They’re sitting closer together this time, their knees touching, but Takashi wishes they were closer. He looks longingly down to where Tanuma’s hand is resting on the blanket again.
Tanuma clears his throat. “So, you love me, huh?”
A blush slams into Takashi’s cheeks. “I do. I’m sorry if all of this seems out of the blue, or if it’s weird. Like I said, nothing needs to change if you don’t want it to, but I just felt like I had to—”
“I love you, too.” Tanuma turns on the mattress so he can look at Takashi head-on, drawing up one knee and facing him squarely. “I’ve been in love with you for a really long time, actually. I wasn’t ever planning on telling you, though, because you’re always dealing with so much and I didn’t want to add any stress to your life. And… I didn’t think you felt the same way. It didn’t seem fair to put that on you, so I just kind of accepted the fact that you’d never know how I really felt.” He laughs a little. “I’ve gotten so used to it now, it feels strange to talk about out loud.”
Takashi’s chest feels tight. “Tanuma…”
“I can’t believe you beat me to it.” He smiles so warmly, Takashi would never have known he’d been hiding away such longing but for the pain that manages to make its way into his dark eyes.
Guilt rears its head again, though Takashi doesn’t know if it’s founded or not. He hates the fact that Tanuma has been hiding something so big for so long, and he hates that he’s the cause of it. It must have been painful. Takashi honestly doesn’t know how he would’ve reacted if Tanuma had confessed before he was able to work out his own feelings, but at least then maybe his friend wouldn’t have suffered so much on his account. Looking back, he doesn’t think he ever gave Tanuma a reason to believe it was a good idea to tell him, though. Maybe Tanuma thought it would be infinitely worse to confess and not have his love returned.
That’s fair. Maybe Takashi didn’t have the space for such things until recently. Maybe that’s the real reason he was finally able to realize that what he feels for Tanuma is love—romantic love. He’s learned so much in the past couple of years; he’s learned that he loves people and he loves spirits and that, perhaps, he can balance those two worlds. He’s learned that he is loved in return, and that life can be happy and beautiful and he doesn’t have to be in pain all the time. He feels stable now, and maybe that’s why his heart has opened up to provide room for a different kind of love—the love that he wants to share with Tanuma.
“I’m sorry you were waiting for me for so long,” he says.
Tanuma shakes his head. “Don’t be, Natsume. I never expected anything from you. We’ve never talked about it, but it didn’t seem like you were ever in a place to think about these kinds of things, and I was fine with that. I just…I understand, is what I’m trying to say. And I’m happy enough just being by your side. I never needed you to return my feelings.”
This is why Takashi loves him so much, he thinks. Besides being an all-around wonderful person, he has an uncanny ability to understand what Takashi is thinking and feeling, sometimes. He always seems to know exactly what Takashi needs, often times better than Takashi does himself. The fact that he’s given this so much thought is just proof that he really does love him as much as he says.
“Not that I didn’t want you to!” Tanuma rushes to add. “I’m—I’m so happy right now I don’t know what to do. I never expected you to—” He takes a deep breath and looks into Takashi’s eyes. “Whatever you want to do, Natsume, that’s what I want, too. We don’t have to act on this if you’re not ready. We can just go on being friends, because that’s more than enough for me. But if you want to…” His eyes drift down and linger on something just below Takashi’s eyes and a pretty pink dusts his cheeks. “I would… I would really like to kiss you.”
Takashi’s breath halts in his lungs and his pulse quickens until it’s pounding and his whole body flushes from head to toe. This is definitely, really happening. He nods before he even knows what he’s doing. “Okay.”
And Tanuma, bless his heart, hesitates and searches Takashi’s face. “Are you sure?”
He doesn’t even have to think about it. He leans in and grabs Tanuma’s sweatshirt. “Yes.”
Tanuma’s fingers caress his cheek briefly, and he has to bend down a little to meet his lips. When they touch, fireworks erupt inside of Takashi.
He never thought about what his first kiss would be like. He never gave any thought to romance at all, really, because it always felt like something far away and unobtainable. Romance and love were for normal people who couldn’t see spirits, who never knew the struggle of being alone. They weren’t for people like Takashi. He never believed he would have a first kiss at all, and that was a little painful to think about it, so he just didn’t.
His life has changed so much. He didn’t even realize it was happening until it had happened already.
Tanuma’s lips are soft. They touch him with just as much gentleness and reverence as Tanuma always treats him with. Takashi feels his breath against his skin, hears it exhale through his nose. Tanuma’s fingers trace his jaw, feather-light and careful. Takashi’s hands fist in Tanuma’s sweatshirt and hold on, like he might drift away otherwise.
He feels drunk. He could worship Tanuma like this, forever.
Too soon, the kiss ends. He keeps his eyes closed for a minute, trying to cling to the feeling of Tanuma as long as he can. When he opens his eyes, Tanuma is gazing at him like he’s some sort of wonder, and he looks drunk, too.
He reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind Takashi’s ear. “You’re beautiful, Natsume.”
Takashi ducks his head and feels color rush to his cheeks again, too bashful to even tell him that he’s beautiful too.
“Are you okay with this?”
“Huh?” Maybe his head is still scrambled, but he can’t grasp what he means.
“Just—” Tanuma looks more concerned than he should. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, or do anything you don’t want to. We just told each other that we love each other and that’s, like, a big deal. I just want to make sure you feel safe.”
God, he loves him so much. “I do, Tanuma. I always feel safe when I’m with you. I think…I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.” He doesn’t say that he wants to do other things, too, like fall asleep in his arms or buy a house together.
“Good.” Tanuma’s smile is full of relief and absolute unbridled joy. “I have too. You have no idea.”
He believes that’s true now. The irony isn’t lost on him, either, how it seems that they’ve had the exact same thoughts about each other. Taki is probably right about how they’d be going around in circles if left to their own devices.
He hopes that they can stop tiptoeing around each other sometime in the future. They’re both too considerate to be presumptuous, but he knows this is just as new for Tanuma as it is for him. And that’s just how they are. The other comes first, no matter what.
“I don’t think I’ll be very good at this, Tanuma.”
Tanuma tilts his head. “What do you mean?”
A tendril of anxiety curls around his gut. “I mean… I’m not very good at talking about my feelings, and I have trouble being honest sometimes. I still get freaked out when people care too much about me, or when I care too much for somebody else. I can’t promise I’ll be the perfect boyfriend to you.” Slowly, hesitantly, he takes Tanuma’s hand in both of his and holds it to his chest like a precious treasure. “But I can promise that I’ll try my best. I’ll work on getting better at all of those things, because you deserve it.”
Tanuma stares at him for a moment like he’s confused, and then he starts to laugh. He brings his free hand up and covers Takashi’s with it. “Natsume… You think I don’t know all of that about you already? I definitely disagree with some of it, but I know you. I know how you are, so don’t worry, okay? I have pretty realistic expectations, I think.”
That’s right. He forgets sometimes that he doesn’t need to explain himself to some people anymore. Tanuma has been with him through so much. He’s seen Takashi at his worst—or at least the worst anyone else has ever seen him at—and he loves him anyway. That feels like a miracle.
“But you…want to be my boyfriend?”
The question is posed with disbelief. Takashi blinks. “Well, yeah. I thought that—that’s what you do next after confessing.” Panic starts building. “Is that wrong? Do you not want to?”
For just a fleeting moment, he’s worried that that isn’t what Tanuma had in mind at all. Takashi doesn’t know what he’s doing, after all. Could he have completely misunderstood—?
“Of course I do.” Tanuma says it urgently, leaning towards him with frantic eagerness. “But you want to? That’s a big step, Natsume. We don’t have to rush into anything if you don’t want to. You’re sure you’re ready for something like that?”
He takes a moment to think about it. It is a pretty big commitment, he guesses. He has no idea what it means to be someone’s boyfriend, but while he doesn’t think he’ll be any good at it at first, he knows he can learn. It doesn’t feel right to just go on being friends with Tanuma. He doesn’t want to.
When he speaks again, his words are slow and thoughtful. “If I’m ever going to be anyone’s boyfriend, I’m going to be yours, Tanuma.”
He hears Tanuma’s breath catch in his throat.
“There’s no one else I’d rather take this step with. I don’t think there will ever be anyone else, to be honest. So, yes, I want to. I’m ready.” He smiles. “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I want to learn. With you.”
For a second, he thinks he might see Tanuma’s lip tremble. He can’t be sure, though, because the next things he knows is that Tanuma has his face buried in his shoulder and his arms wrapped around his waist. His smile widens further. He hugs Tanuma again, and it feels just as nice to be the one doing the holding as the one being held. He hopes the future will be filled with a lot more of this.
“I don’t know what I’m doing either, for the record.” Tanuma’s voice is muffled by his shirt. “But you’re right—we’ll learn together.”
Takashi cards his fingers through Tanuma’s hair, ruffling it even more, and experimentally presses a kiss to the crown of his head. It feels strange to do—it still doesn’t seem like he’s allowed, and it’s such a foreign, unfamiliar action—but he gets to do it now. He can’t wait until it’s something he does as naturally as breathing. He can’t wait until the sensation of Tanuma’s hair is so familiar he can feel it without touching it.
Tanuma presses himself closer in response, fingers making indents in Takashi’s ribcage. They sit that way for a while longer, until their heartbeats sync up and Takashi is thinking maybe he doesn’t need to move ever again.
But, eventually, Tanuma lifts his head and pushes himself up. “It’s getting pretty late. Do you want to stay here tonight?”
“I do.” He grins regretfully. “But I promised the Fujiwaras I’d play a board game with them tonight, and I’m sure they’re getting worried. Maybe tomorrow?”
It feels wrong, to part ways now after all of that. He really doesn’t want to go, but maybe it’s best for them both to have some time to process it all. And they have all the time in the world to spend together.
“Deal,” Tanuma says with a pretty smile. “I’ll walk you out.”
They reach the entryway and Takashi puts on his shoes and slings his bag over his shoulder. Crickets are chirping through the open door and a warm breeze drifts by. He turns around on the stoop and lets his gaze linger on Tanuma for a moment more. “Thank you, Tanuma.”
“For what?”
“For just…being you. For being so kind and understanding. I was so nervous to talk to you about this, but you made it so easy.”
Tanuma shakes his head. “I didn’t do anything, Natsume. I’m the one who should be thanking you. I’m…I’m really glad you talked to me. I feel really lucky.” His palm comes up to cup the side of Takashi’s face, thumb sliding across his cheekbone.
Takashi nuzzles into it. “So do I.”
“Can I kiss you goodnight?”
He laughs gently. “Are you gonna ask for permission every time?”
“Probably.” His smile is so handsome. “At least until we get some more practice.”
“You’re a dork.” Takashi reaches up and grabs his wrist. “You can kiss me now.”
The second kiss is just as incredible as the first. Maybe even better, because this time Takashi’s heart doesn’t feel like it wants to beat its way out of his chest quite so much. It tastes sweet and full of promise.
“Hah?!”
The sudden cry makes them both flinch and pull apart.
Nyanko-sensei is on the path coming up from the woods to Tanuma’s front door. He’s frozen in his tracks, a truly horrified expression on his face.
Takashi’s face is suddenly boiling. “S-Sensei!”
“I come all this way to make sure nothing’s eaten you and this whole time you’ve been fooling around?!”
“I was not fooling around!” He hasn’t even had time to think about how he would tell anyone about this recent development. It’s not terribly surprising that Nyanko-sensei happened to barge in on this intimate moment, but he’s definitely not prepared to explain anything just yet.
“Whatever you want to call it! I’ve been looking for you all afternoon thinking you got into some trouble and when I finally find you you’re kissing Tanuma? Stupid idiot!”
“Hey.” Tanuma steps closer to Takashi and wraps an arm around his shoulders. “Be nice, Ponta. That’s my boyfriend you’re talking to.”
Butterflies flutter and swirl in Takashi’s stomach. He can’t even be embarrassed, even though he probably should be. He wonders if he’ll ever stop blushing.
Nyanko’s mouth hangs open comically and one eye twitches. “How long did I leave you alone for, Natsume?!”
“Not long enough,” Takashi sighs.
Nyanko huffs in exasperation. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. At least maybe now your head won’t be in the clouds all the damn time.” He points a stubby paw in Tanuma’s direction. “But you! Don’t go distracting him too much! It makes my job harder!”
Tanuma laughs good-naturedly. “Sir, yes sir.”
“Honestly, you should’ve asked my permission before going and turning Natsume into some love-struck schoolgirl. It’s just good manners.”
Now Takashi is embarrassed. “Nyanko-sensei!”
Tanuma just laughs even harder and squeezes Takashi’s shoulders. “You should probably get going. Don’t keep the Fujiwaras waiting too long.”
“Right.” He smiles up at Tanuma and vows that, tomorrow, he’ll tell him how handsome he is with his growth spurt. Knowing Tanuma, he hasn’t even noticed his own change. “Goodnight, Tanuma.”
“Goodnight, Natsume.”
Their arms slide together as Takashi steps away and they squeeze each other’s fingers before their hands part, a silent I love you hanging in the air between them. Takashi’s heart aches a little as he walks away from the house and Tanuma becomes a silhouette in the distance, but he feels lighter than he has in a long, long time. The summer air feels hopeful and full of potential and for once, he isn’t scared of the future at all.
“It’s about time you got that over with.”
“Hm?” He looks down at his bodyguard. “I thought you were mad.”
The cat turns his nose up in the air. “Well, I’m definitely not happy about it. You’re going to be even more insufferable now. But you’ve been too mopey about him for too long. It’s good you figured it out on your own.”
“Figured it out…?” Suddenly every conversation he’s had recently comes back and he feels hot with mortification. “Has everyone known what was going on except for me?!”
“Probably. It was obvious enough, and you’re an idiot. You and Tanuma are both idiots.”
For once, he thinks Nyanko-sensei may be right.
The cat hops up onto his shoulder. “Now, pick up the pace, Natsume! I heard Touko say she’s making pudding for game night!”
Takashi can’t help but be touched, because even though he’d never say it in so many words, he knows this is Nyanko-sensei’s way of showing his support. He pats the cat on the head. “Okay, Sensei.”
As he jogs towards his house, his heart feels fuller than it ever has before. There’s so much love in it that he’s afraid it’s going to overflow. And, for the first time, it isn’t just that he’s receiving love—he has an abundance of it to give, and that’s the most amazing thing of all. He’s ready to give that love to everyone he can.
He’s ready to love Tanuma most of all. This brand new flame that’s sparked between them is something he’ll cherish and nurture until it’s a blazing fire. He isn’t scared. He doesn’t want to run from it.
Whatever their future is together, he can’t wait to see it.