Chapter Text
Kathryn would have avoided the celebration and the entire evening had it been even remotely possible. The only reason she was in attendance at all was because it would have been seen as rude to turn down the invitation of the hosts. Lisa Goodwin and David Stewart, engineering and security respectively, had married earlier, Kathryn having performed the ceremony for the happy couple. She’d lost count of the number of marriages she’d officiated over since their return. Her mother’s words on such matters came to mind – “always the bridesmaid…never the bride.” She closed her eyes briefly as a comeback to that filled her mind. “You silly old cow – that’s not meant for you. How many hints do you need?”
Kathryn sighed as she looked around. The simple reception for the newlyweds was being held in this bar which had been in the groom’s family for generations. David’s uncle, Jimmy, now ran the place.
While she hadn’t been able to avoid the reception, she had managed to dodge one particular guest – Chakotay. He hadn’t made it easy though. He’d attempted to corner her all evening. She’d succeeded in evading him. The fact that there wasn’t a formal sit-down meal helped. The food was laid out in a more relaxed buffet style where people picked here and there, tables and chairs spread out around the large bar. The establishment was closed for the evening to the usual clientele but there was still a large crowd, filled out now with the extras who hadn’t attended the ceremony but turned up for ‘the afters’.
People ‘grazed’ as they mingled, picking at the offerings, occasionally sitting to eat. Romantic music played in the background, fitting for the occasion, but not too loud as to interfere with conversation. Kathryn did her best to tune it out either way and it was also intermittently pushed into the background by the many conversations, bouts of loud laughter and occasional dropped plate or glass which was always accompanied by a loud cheer. All this made it easy for Kathryn to move around through the crowd which meant that she was in constant conversations, the other crew in attendance delighted to speak with her and spend some down time with their former captain.
As it turned out, the bar wasn’t a large enough venue to get lost in completely though and she was eventually caught by her former First Officer as he came up behind her. He began informally. “It was a lovely ceremony, Kathryn. You did them proud. They seem very happy.”
She nodded, her attention on the table beside her as she picked up a plate then added some food to it. “It was. They make a lovely couple.”
His hand on her lower arm made her look up. “I get the feeling that you’re avoiding me.”
She looked away. “I’ve been talking to people, Chakotay. It’s what you do on these occasions.”
He gently squeezed her arm now. “You do seem to have spoken with everyone. Except me, of course.”
Kathryn put her plate down and made to turn away but he blocked her. “So are you avoiding me, Kathryn?”
She looked out across the room. “Don’t be silly. It’s a wedding reception. I’ve been speaking to everyone.”
He nodded. “So I noticed. I seem to be the exception though.”
Kathryn closed her eyes a moment. “Have you been watching me all evening?”
He didn’t answer for a moment and just sighed deeply. “Have a drink with me at the bar.” His voice had risen and she saw a few people look towards them. He leaned a little closer to her and lowered his volume. “You know, you have to talk to me sometime. You’ve steered clear of me all evening…all day actually. You’ve done your best to avoid me since we got back, in fact. As I said, you have to talk to me sometime. You can’t ignore me forever.”
She shrugged and looked up at him. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
He stared hard at her. “I disagree. There’s a lot talk about. Now, come on. One drink won’t kill you.”
The last thing she needed was for him to cause a scene and she knew him well enough to sense the unspoken warning there. As if reading her mind, he leaned in again and spoke more quietly. “Let’s not cause a scene.”
Kathryn stepped back from him but kept her voice low. “Seriously? Is that a threat?”
He gave her an unreadable look. “One drink”.
She barely nodded and moved around several people to make for the bar. There was an empty table near it and she sat down. He moved past her and collected two drinks then sat beside her.
She looked around her, seeing now that the crowd was thinning out. B’Elanna, Tom’s arm around her shoulders, caught her eye and waved as they made their way towards the door. Several others also waved at her as they too prepared to leave.
Suddenly the happy couple were beside her. “Captain, we want to thank you again for today. You made it special beyond words.”
Kathryn stood and accepted hugs from them both. “It was my honour and pleasure. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.” She smiled at them in turn. “Don’t be strangers now.”
Lisa nodded as she grabbed her new husband’s hand. “We won’t. Thanks again.”
As they left a few more called and waved their goodbyes, only small pockets of people left still finishing their drinks.
Chakotay’s voice drew her attention. “I think they’re off to some club or somewhere. Probably trying to claim every last moment of their big day, not wanting it to end.”
Kathryn sat and played with her glass but didn’t drink. “Maybe. That or our favourite Klingon told them to.” She shook that thought away. “This was your idea…so talk. I need to leave soon.”
He took a sip of his drink then sighed. “We need to talk about us.”
Her head shot up. “What us? Come on, Chakotay. There is no us. What is this? You failed with her so now you come to me? I don’t think so. I’m not a consolation prize or your backup plan.”
Chakotay’s look was at first one of hurt but it quickly morphed into one of anger. “You haven’t half become bitter and cruel, Kathryn. You have it wrong though. I failed with you because I wasn’t a damn mind reader. I went out with her when she asked because I was bloody lonely. No one else on that ship was going to come near me. For some reason, they considered me your property and a no-go area. Was I to stay alone for the rest of my life if we’d still been out there? If anyone was a second choice, it was her. Not you.”
When she didn’t answer that, he knocked back the rest of his drink. “No answer. I see. Well, no answer IS an answer.” He stood up and slammed his empty glass down on the table, giving her a cold look. “I give up. I tried. I at least had to do that. If you want to hold a few dates against me forever, that’s your choice. Punish me if it makes you feel better. I hope it makes you happy because I’d hate to think you live the rest of your days this bitter. It’s a miserable way to exist but I guess that’s your prerogative.” At that he mock saluted. “Have a nice life, Captain…or Admiral…or whatever the hell they make you.” He moved away a little then looked back. “You should have taken more heed of your older self, Kathryn. I hope she wasn’t a mirror for your own future. Good night and goodbye. Have a nice life.” At that, he turned and stormed out.
Kathryn sat for a time and just stared down into her glass. She forced her thoughts back over the day, the wedding ceremony, the guests, what the bride wore but every attempt to think along a safe thought path simply pushed her onto the one she wanted to avoid. She shook her head and murmured to herself. “Go home, Kathryn. Put an end to the day.” She looked up and around and realized she was the last one there save for an older woman across from her who sat nursing a drink. Kathryn met her eyes when she saw that the woman was openly watching her. The stranger smiled sadly and shook her head. Feeling a surge of annoyance, Kathryn knocked back her drink in three swallows then stood up. She glared over at the other woman. “Did no one ever tell you it’s rude to stare and eavesdrop? I do hope you enjoyed the conversation?”
The older woman shrugged then sighed. “I’ve heard it before.” She put the glass to her lips but didn’t drink. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Kathryn snapped at her. “It’s none of your business. You don’t know anything about me.”
The woman smiled coyly. “Ah, but I do. I know you’ll regret it. You see, you’re me thirty years ago.”
Grabbing her bag and tossing a few credits on the table as a tip, Kathryn nodded towards the woman’s glass as she moved away from the table. “Maybe you should make that your last.” At that she moved towards the door.
The woman’s voice hardened. “Sit down, Captain.”
Kathryn stopped then turned and stared at the older woman. “What did you say?”
“You heard me.”
Kathryn shook her head and huffed out a derisive laugh. “I get it. You’ve seen a few newsvids and think you know who I am. That means nothing.”
Suddenly the woman pulled out an ID wallet. “Sit. That’s not a request. It’s an order.”
Kathryn moved towards her and looked at what the woman held. “You’re a Starfleet admiral?”
“Yes. Now sit.” She gave a small smile then slipped the ID into a pocket. “Please.”
Kathryn studied her for a minute and sighed, then for some reason relented and sat. “What the hell.” She threw her bag on the table. “You may know who I am and even my name but you don’t know me. Besides, I’m not in uniform and I’m off duty.”
The woman across the table laughed at that. “Off duty? There’s no such thing.” She sighed, her demeanour softening. “My dear, you’re ALWAYS on duty. You should know that by now.”
Kathryn studied her for a moment. “I don’t remember you at the wedding and the bar was closed to anyone else.”
The other woman smiled softly and shook her head. “I’m a regular. I come here all the time. It’s my old haunt, you could say…my home away from home.”. She played with her glass then stared hard at Kathryn. “I’ll get straight to the point. I want you to listen to me and heed me well.” She looked away a moment then back. “They’ll tell you the job will fulfil you.” She leaned forward and almost hissed her words. “They lie.”
She sat back. “They’re like a jealous married lover trying to lure and entice you into an affair where they call the shots…where you come when called.”
She rolled the glass between her hands. “For you to have achieved what you did out there, there has to be passion under the pips. Oh, it’s exciting and fulfilling in space…for you more than most. You achieved amazing things, despite how hard it was.” She shook her head. “You can leave a lot behind you out amongst the stars. The old ‘out of sight – out of mind’. You can believe the lies you told yourself but who you are, the woman you are and the dreams you had, all that came back with you. Oh, you can hide all that when you’re out there…from others and especially from yourself. Of course, your chance at those dreams wanes by the day. The rewards of the homecoming and the praise, or should I say platitudes, that goes with it are temporary. All that is them ‘courting’ you. You’re their golden girl at the moment and they’ll use that well to their advantage. They’ll squeeze you for every last drop of PR they can. When there’s nothing left…when they’ve drained you of all that’s useful to them…” She sighed. “You may think you love your career, your rank, Starfleet, the family tradition but they’ll never love you back. You’ll always be the one to give and they’ll always be the ones who take. A pat on the back and a quick ‘well done’ is no replacement for a loving arm around you or a shoulder to lean on.”
Surprising herself, Kathryn sat and listened.
“As to your man there, your former First Officer… Do you really want him to be your former everything? Do you truly want to watch that good man walk away? I don’t mean like he did tonight but walk out of your life completely? You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Pride will never comfort you at night. It’s a brief satisfaction. Love endures forever. Off duty, although you’ll never BE off duty, you’ll have nothing.”
She dropped her head back and stared at the ceiling a moment before looking back at Kathryn. “You know, when you’re young, they tell you that ‘as one door closes, another one opens’. The older you get…the more doors close but they don’t open very often. They tell you all that to keep you dangling. As I said, more and more close but very few open. Eventually they’re all shut. They don’t tell you that part. They don’t want you to know that or even think about it. You’ll always be doing ‘their’ bidding – never your own. They’ll say jump and you’d damn well better ask how high. It’s an empty and lonely life. No matter how hard you work or how many hours you put in, that life will never fulfil you. They use you to get what they want and need – your devotion, your dedication, your service.”
She gave a small but wistful smile. “So, in answer to your earlier comment. Yes, I know you. I watch the news vids. They’re impossible to avoid. But I know you anyway because as I said, you’re me thirty years ago. I see myself in you.”
Kathryn looked down at the table then out over the empty bar. The other woman tapped the table to draw her attention back. “We have time to talk. Don’t worry. Jimmy, the owner and barman, won’t disturb us. He’s a good one. He always takes care of his customers. He’ll call a hovercab for you or even if you’re too far gone, he’ll let you sleep it off in the back.”
Kathryn smiled slightly. “It sounds like you know him and this bar well.”
A sad smile answered that. “As I said, it’s my old haunt.” She laughed at that. “Sorry…private joke.” She dropped her smile. “Yes, I know it. Too well. It’s always better than four spartan walls in an empty apartment though.”
Kathryn looked at her sadly. “You said I was you…”
The woman dropped her voice slightly. “I’ve walked in your boots, my dear. Mission after mission. Gone for months at a time. Early mornings and late nights. Fitting in brief and fleeting visits with family and friends but never being a part of their lives. All those family and friends events you miss – holoimages you’re not in. You become a shadow in their lives…a stranger. They become a box you tick and, in your guilt, you send expensive gifts in lieu of your presence.” She looked sadly at Kathryn. “Be honest and think back to how often your father was absent. Think of all he missed and all you missed with him. Your mother and sister, I’m sure, feel the same.”
Kathryn didn’t need to say anything. She knew the truth of that was clearly written on her face. Instead, she just nodded then looked down at her hands and swallowed the lump she felt forming in her throat. Drawing in a deep breath, she raised her head. The other woman was playing with her glass, turning it and watching the liquid swirl.
“Your family got you back. Do you really want to be absent from their lives again? And that man you let walk out of here tonight?” She shook her head. “You see, there was someone special in my life but I pushed him away. I was always delaying, always putting my career before him. Always promising just one more mission. He got very tired of that as any man would. He hung in there for far too long. Probably longer than most. In the end, he called me on it and gave me an ultimatum. My pride kicked in.” She raised an eyebrow. “Sound familiar?” She shook her head sadly. “He walked away, for which I never blamed him, and I was left with my career. Of course, at that stage, it involved a desk and endless empty and busy work – pushing padds around that same desk and smoothing the ruffled feathers of self-important little men from places which meant nothing to me. It was a very sad and poor substitute but it was all I had. My career was no consolation for what I let go with him though. By the time it hit me what I’d given up, he was married and had a child on the way. So, I ended up with one lot of four empty walls during the day and another set at night.”
She sighed heavily. “Tell me, after all you’ve experienced out there, do you really want to spend your life or rather the rest of your life behind a desk? I know out there in the Delta Quadrant, you saw amazing things but look at the hardships and losses you suffered. I’m sure you tell yourself it had pros and cons. Back here now though… From all that adventure and, despite the hardships, are you going to be happy being put back in a box? After what you achieved out there, anything at Starfleet will bore the pants off you. And can you once again answer to others and obey every order, never allowed to question? Do you really want that?”
Kathryn played her fingers together in her lap, afraid she’d cry if she spoke.
The woman continued. “Starfleet haven’t got your best interests at heart. Only their own. You serve them. They’ll never serve you. If you take that route, you’ll have reached the summit of your life and it’ll be downhill from there instead of having more to climb.” She shook her head. “At the end of your career and your life, you’ll stand on the edge of a cliff and look… Well, you’ll look back at the way you lived and the people in your life but their backs are all turned on you. They’re all too busy going on with their lives, lives you never became a part of. You’ll see what you left behind and turned your back on. Then you’ll look down and see nothing but crashing waves on the rocks waiting to swallow you and take you to oblivion. You’ll take nothing with you but regrets. Don’t take or travel the same road I did. Don’t make the same mistakes I made.”
She leaned her elbows on the table. “Do you know the only thing Starfleet will give you? You’ll get a memorial service, attended by some family who have almost forgotten you but are there out of obligation, and your colleagues who’ll be there to be seen or out of a similar obligation. They won’t be there for YOU. Their attendance will be for them – not for you. Starfleet will give you a last gift of a headstone…your name carved in stone.” She laughed bitterly. “Aren’t they generous? You’ll have paid heavily for it. By the next day, you’ll be mostly forgotten and they’ll go on with their lives, following and copying how you lived without even knowing it or being aware of it, making the same mistakes you’ll have made. All that will exist in your wake is that headstone no one will visit, a paragraph or two in the history books, maybe thirty seconds on the news vids and possibly a dusty portrait hanging in some hallway at Headquarters, one of so many, glanced at occasionally but mostly not even noticed. The cleaning and maintenance staff will be more familiar with your face than your ‘esteemed’ colleagues will be.”
She sat back slightly. “So…as I said, you’re me thirty years ago. Don’t become me as I am now in thirty years’ time. Kathryn, it’s a painful life and a lonely one. Try and imagine what your older self will be like.”
Kathryn was taken aback at that. She looked up and answered without thinking. “Actually, I already know. I can’t reveal too much but let’s just say I’ve had an insight into my future self.”
The other woman nodded. “Admiral Janeway. Yes.”
Kathryn sat forward, shocked at how much this stranger knew. “That’s classified. How do you know…?”
The older woman shrugged and waved a hand. “Never mind how.” She played with her glass again. “Oh, I know you could take it as that being one possible future that you don’t have to accept but still…” She lifted the glass then put it back down. “Anyway, just accept that I know. I outrank you, remember? For the moment anyway.” She sighed heavily. “You know they’ll offer you ‘admiral’ and you’ll take it because you’ll have nothing else or because you’ll feel you owe your father.” She smiled at that. “Yes, I know that too and how you think.”
She moved her glass on the table. “Now…my order to you, while I still outrank you, is to leave here and go find that man. Say yes to him, Kathryn. Live life and don’t become me. Leave Starfleet behind even. You’ve served them enough.” She folded her hands on the table for a moment but then went back to playing with her glass. “Oh, and if you’re thinking you can have both – Starfleet AND a life… Forget it. You’d need to be the strongest, the most powerful and influential member of the Admiralty for that one – maybe even the Federation President. Starfleet will always DEMAND they come first. If they decide that they need you more than they’ll ever admit, they’ll allow you a token personal life, mainly to appease you and keep you in line but they’ll still make sure that they come first.” She frowned. “Do you think you can have it all? Think you can balance it all and do both? I can tell you that that balance only occasionally applies to the lower decks crew members, the ones who don’t stay forever and use what they learn to move into the public sector. Starfleet is good on a resume and opens doors to a good job. It’s a stepping stone – not a lifetime commitment.” She shook her head sadly. “So, even if you DO marry somehow at your level of service, what man would put up with a part time wife or one who’s always working or with a life where he comes way down the pecking order? And any kids? That will be discouraged but it you do manage it, you’ll be a stranger to them, apart from missing all their special occasions. They’ll know their nanny or child minder far more than their own mother.” She shrugged. “Sorry but it’s the truth and the truth hurts.”
Kathryn shook her head, trying to take in all the other woman was saying. “I know many in Fleet who are married and have families. They…”
The other woman cut across her. “Have you asked them? Have you asked their families? Besides, things are different at Starfleet now. There may have been a time and there may have been a few but they’re mostly the older and longest serving ones.” She sighed sadly. “There have been many changes while you’ve been gone. The war changed so much and so many. They need people more now than they ever did and they need their total commitment. Sadly, they confuse need with ownership.” She smiled to herself. “The old order changeth yielding place to new…”
Kathryn smiled slightly. “Alfred, Lord Tennyson…” She sighed heavily. “So what? I just walk away?”
The woman shrugged her shoulders and gave a small smile. “My dear, you wouldn’t be ‘walking away’. You’d be ‘moving on’. You leave one part of your life and move into other parts. Have you not been listening to me? You’ve let Starfleet be the ONLY part of your life. That’s not healthy.” She sighed. “A healthy life is comprised of many parts. Of course, some parts are bigger and more important than others. Your family should always be more important than the work you take home with you. Friendships should be more important than the work receptions they say you just have to attend. A really happy and healthy life is like a collage, a sum of all the parts.” She smiled softly. “Kathryn, go and grab that life…all of it. Someday, far sooner than you think, it will be too late. Regrets will not sit shiva for you.” She looked at Kathryn. “You know that expression? Sitting shiva?”
Kathryn nodded. “Yes. It’s Jewish. I had a friend at the Academy. She ‘sat shiva’ for her parents. I remember her explaining it.”
The older woman nodded. “Then you know what I mean.” Once more she played with her glass then lifted it to her lips but didn’t drink. She studied it a moment then put it back down. “Here’s a radical idea for you. Retire. Retire while there’s still something there for you, still a life for you to live. Take your pension because you’ve damn well earned it. You’ll still be covered for medical and so on. Take it because they’ll eventually retire you anyway when they’ve wrung every last piece of usefulness out of you.” She sighed heavily. “By that time, you’ll be too old to enjoy what life you have left. Oh, some in that situation still fight it because at that stage there’s nothing left of a life outside their work. Of course, you let go eventually because your fingers are prised off no matter how tightly you hang on. They force you out and toss you aside like yesterday’s refuge.” She shook off the sadness which had claimed her face. “Do something else. Lecture, write, teach, use your brain, your knowledge, but on your terms.” She leaned forward with a small smile. “Marry and be there for him. Have a few kids. Pick up good friendships. Garden. Read Tennyson.” She smiled at that then let it slip a little. “Do whatever takes your fancy. Do what makes you happy. In other words - live, Kathryn. Live for yourself though. Be your OWN boss. A happy life is a gift denied to so many. Don’t waste your chance at it.”
Closing her eyes a moment, she sat back, her demeanour all business now. She waved a hand in the air. “Now go. Go. Take what I’ve said and what I hope you’ve learned here tonight.”
Kathryn sat forward, almost startled at the abrupt change in the other woman. “I don’t know…”
That was cut off with another wave of the hand. “Go and live, Kathryn. Don’t say any more and please…no thanks either. Just take what I’ve said and don’t waste it.” She looked up and smiled softly. “Go on. Jimmy will want to close up.” She shook her head and smiled again. “Go. OK?”
Kathryn lifted her bag and stood slowly. “Thank you anyway.” She moved away from the table a little then turned back. “What’s your name?”
A small smile graced the other woman’s lips. “Friend. Just friend. Now go.” She leaned towards Kathryn a little. “Or if you prefer… Dismissed.” She looked back down at her drink, the message clear that their time together was over.