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Sunny sat with his legs curled against his chest. A splash beckoned him from below.
It had been eight months since Sunny started school, a year since he was discharged from the hospital and moved…and five years since he killed Mari.
No matter what he did at school, no matter how much his friends seemingly forgave him, no matter what new hobbies and activities he tried, no matter how his relationship with his mother healed, no matter how great his job was going, he knew that this all would have been better if his sister was still alive. For that, he only has himself to blame. He is a murderer, yet he goes to school, hangs out with friends, and lives his life as if he is a normal teenager.
He didn't deserve this. He should be in prison, tortured, or dead. He killed his sister in a fit of rage, staged it as a suicide, and then left the world to deal with all the consequences, while he had fun in his own little dream world.
He had thought about going to the police, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that it wouldn't work. For one, it would cause his mother too much financial stress. Him being arrested would prompt her to hire a lawyer—unfortunately, she didn't hate him enough to just abandon him. She still cared for him, even though he is sure she knew the truth. Finally, he probably would not be charged with the crime. In the eyes of the law, it would be manslaughter by a juvenile from a dysfunctional family.
The world turned a blind eye to his inhumanity at every turn, and would continue to do so. If he was going to receive punishment, he would need to do it on his own. And, truth be told, he did.
After he confessed to killing Mari at the hospital, his friends were confused, angry, sad—but they still stuck by him. Kel was horrified, but he forgave him on the spot. Aubrey was distraught, but she didn't punch him in the face. Hero was at a loss for words, but he didn't straight up kill him.
So he tried to do it himself. He walked up to the hospital roof and approached a gap in the railing. Unbeknownst to him though, his friends had followed him. They stopped him—Aubrey literally pulled him back as he tipped over the edge. Then, when he passed out from blood loss, they got him rushed to the ICU. So, overall, all he did was put them in a situation where they couldn't be angry at him; where they were forced to care for him, like their baby. That was unfair. What he did was unfair. Normal, healthy people don't want to see other people die. He wouldn't have known that of course.
His next attempt was not really an attempt—he just started cutting himself. He hoped one day he would cut too deep and die from blood loss, but that never happened. His only saving grace was that nobody questioned him for always wearing long-sleeved shirts. Even Aubrey, who teased him for dressing so modest during the summer heat. He was thankful for that; she would have an especially visceral reaction if she saw the horrible state of his forearms.
He didn't understand why Aubrey cared for him so much. Perhaps she was delusional. She would always hang out with him on the weekends, and text or call him during the weekdays. She always asked how he was doing and tried to cheer him up if he failed to mask his emotions. He thinks that she would even get intimate with him if he let her, but perhaps that was wishful thinking. She liked to hug him though, and she would always get flustered if someone mistook her as his girlfriend. Whenever she joined Mom and him for dinner, Mom would tease them about being a couple. Aubrey would then yell at her to shut up, followed by a profuse apology. He would find it amusing, until he remembered how this teasing ran in the family.
They never talked about Mari. None of his friends did. Well, they all said they were there for him if he needed to talk about anything, including her, but he never took them up on that offer. He knew that everybody wanted to move on. He knew that everyone wanted to move on from him. Once the cat is out of the bag, you can’t simply ignore it.
At least, he hoped that was the case. If everyone in his life secretly hated him, then that would make what he was about to do much easier on them. He loathed the fact that even in death, he would probably be causing immense pain for everyone around him, but you just have to rip the band-aid off at some point.
It was nightfall, and he sat with his legs against his chest near a river. It was a ways from the city he resided in, and he had not told anyone where he was. In a bag, he had multiple bottles of pills that he frankly did not care to know the names for. All he knew was that they would probably be enough to kill him if taken in excess. If not, then he would drown in this river that he also planned to jump into.
He also had his phone with him. He didn't know why. Maybe he left the apartment complex thinking he would leave some great final message or even make a final call to someone. At this point, he wanted to get this over with. All his friends could guess his reasons quite easily.
Though, he did take one last look at the world around him. A cool breeze blew, and the rock he sat on was chilled from the sleeping sun. Across the river laid a forest of pine trees, no moonlight strong enough to pierce the darkness woven throughout it. Crickets chirped; a family of deer walked on the outskirts of that forest, searching for a home for the night. To his left, an owl, perched on a branch, woke from its slumber, as if spooked by a nightmare. To his right, a frog hopped around in some crabgrass.
The world went about itself, without regard for his presence. He unfurled his legs and moved himself towards the river. He hung his legs over the edge. Against the river lay a short cliff—the border between him and his grave.
But then his phone rang. He forgot to put it on do-not-disturb. The deer, startled by the sudden noise, loped into the forest. The owl took off, and the frog leaped into a shrub. His desire to be left alone in his final moments was mere wishful thinking. He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket. It was Aubrey. It was 9, and she was sleeping over at his apartment. He had absentmindedly agreed to it, no room in his brain to realize a better answer as he drew up his plans. It now hit him that her and his mother must be worried sick. He did not even leave a post-it saying he was grocery shopping or something; just took the first opportunity his mom was out of the apartment to leave. For whatever reason—out of reflex, to stop the noise, the thought that he could escape this—he answered the phone.
"Hey, where the hell are you!? You've kept me waiting for almost an hour, y'know! Your mom says it's quite rude to do that to a girl—I mean, you know how your mom is! You're so rude being this late! Are you almost home? Hey, are you even there?"
Sunny thought about what he wanted to say in response. He drew in air to speak, but he realized that he could not. Something about Aubrey scolding him, oblivious to what was going on, forced him to try and choke down tears. Oh god. He was really hurting them all over again.
"Hey, if you're out on a walk you could have texted or something, y'know? Sunny? Are you still there?”
Despite his best efforts, he sniffled and whimpered. Both were audible enough to be heard over the call, but there was a pause at first. Then,
"...Are you okay, Sunny? Are you crying? Did something happen?"
He could not bear to tell her what was going on, only continue to sob. Met with that, she continued.
"Sunny, are you okay? What's going on? I'll come over to where you are, okay? I can check your location on Chat-Snap, so no need to worry if you can't speak right now! Stay on the phone with me if you can! I'll be there soon. I promise, Sunny, you’ll be okay!”
He was at a loss for words as he heard her mutter obscenities to herself and her shoes clack against the floor. It was only a matter of time until she arrived at his location. He had to say something.
“...I’m fine, I just–just saw something like Mari—that was like Mari” he choked out through constant hics and awkward pauses. She paused too, if only for a second.
"Something that was like Mari? Something that reminded you of her?"
"Mhm."
"Oh, but you’re OK, right?"
"Yeah…Sorry."
"No, no, it’s my fault for overreacting like always. I’m sorry too." An awkward silence fortunately eclipsed the once frantic call. He seized this chance to end it.
"I will-" hic "be-" hic . This was way harder than he thought it’d be; his final words to Aubrey would be lies. Nevertheless, he bit the gums on the inside of his mouth and persisted.
"home–home soon."
"Oh, okay Sunny. I better see you soon, then!"…was what he wanted to hear. Yet, he heard nothing. He waited with bated breath, hoping that Aubrey would believe him.
"Sunny…why are you on the outskirts of the city?"
He had no answer to that besides the truth. He genuinely did not know what to say. The soft breeze from below was now threatening to freeze him, his skin wet and his legs numb.
"Sunny, how are you out that damn far now? Why? It's so late, and you're supposed to be here.”
…
"Sunny, what are you doing?"
…
"Hey, I know you're there! Don't ignore me! What the fuck are you doing?"
…
"Sunny! Tell me what the fuck you're doing! Y-you-..."
She heard her mutter something foul under her breath. It seems she figured out what was truly going on.
"H-hey, Sunny, please-" She sounded like she was hyperventilating.
"Please stay on the phone! If anything is going on, please talk to me, okay? Don't go doing anything rash, y'know? I mean, I'm sure I'm being an annoying bitch, but if nothing is going on, can you please tell me? Okay? I promise I won’t annoy you about anything else, ever."
…
He heard steps in the background again. A lot of steps. She was running out of the apartment complex right now, to where he was. He wanted to give her a good excuse as to why he was so far out, but he had none. She would be here before he could do anything. But if he hung up…
…
There was no reason to not hang up the phone. She was rushing here, but she wouldn't be quick enough if he just hung up and flung himself off. His trembling thumb hovered over to the "End Call" button.
"Sunny? Sunny? Please, speak to me! Say shit! I'm really fucking worried now! I look like a maniac! Sunny!? Hello!?! Are you still there!?"
He would abandon her again.
His last words would be lying to her, and his last action would be leaving her. What would this do to her? He didn't want to process that question, but now it was front and center. Would she ever recover from this? Regardless of whether she liked him or not, they were close friends.
…But despite her attachment to Mari, she got over her. She also lived through her hellhole of a household. His…his passing…she could handle it. She was strong. It would be like everything else she's gone through. Besides, her life would improve once the grief passed. She would be free from all the pain he’s caused and still causes. Free from how awful of a person he is. It's okay. He can still continue with his plans. With a sliver of resolve, he moved his thumb closer and closer to end the call.
"Sunny, please! I know you're still there! Don't do whatever you're planning to do! Mari wouldn't have wanted this! Nobody can bear to lose you! Fuck, I–I love you too much! There, I said it! I just want you to be happy! Please, wait for me to get to where you are, Sun-"
He was still listening to the call when his hand, shivering from the cold and slick with sweat, dropped his phone. It flew down and plopped into the abyss. He wouldn’t have been able to react to or even begin to process anything Aubrey had said, but it seems fate decided for him.
He didn't know whether to feel relieved or ashamed. He didn't even know how to decide that…or decide anything right now. His clothes clung to his damp skin and itched his skin. His stomach twisted in on itself and threatened to send brunch back up his esophagus. The hot and cold sensations flowing through his blood mixed and mixed and mixed and became an unrecognizable mess. The pine trees now bled into each other and formed an incomprehensible, black mass. He felt like he was being watched and he was completely alone. Only one thought persisted throughout:
"Are you doing the right thing?"
He didn't know anymore. He was so sure that he deserved to be punished, that he was a wicked person, and, ultimately, everyone would be better off without him.
But maybe that wasn't true, at least completely. Maybe he was misunderstanding something. He did not know if this was more wishful thinking, that he could still selfishly live a happy life. Yet, it was enough that when he stared down at the mouth of the ravine and its jagged, stone jaws, he hesitated. This was it. If he ended it right here, right now, then he would be gone for good. He would never, ever see or talk with Aubrey, Kel, Hero, Basil, his Mom—anyone ever again. And depending on if there was an afterlife or not, he may never see Mari again, either—not even her gravestone. He hadn't been to her grave ever since the three days he spent with his friends before his fight with Basil. Maybe something could come out of visiting his sister, one last time. Mari…What if she was still around? Would she want this? The answer to the latter was obvious. She wouldn't think twice about saving him, just like she did when he almost drowned at the lake.
Maybe…he'll put this all off for a bit. To think it over more. If Aubrey arrives while he's still thinking about it, then he can still fling himself off. And if she catches him once more, then maybe he’s supposed to live.
His breathing slows and he closes his eye, sodden with tears. He turned on his back and laid against the rock, letting exhaustion consume him.
—
His eye peered open as he heard rustling in the distance.
"Sunny? Oh my god, Sunny! You’re alive! I thought I fucking lost you! Hey, I'm right here, okay? You're too close to the river! I'm coming over, okay? Grab my hand!"
He turned around to see Aubrey, visible against the dim light of the moon. Her face was as red as her hair and under her cyan contacts lay faint streams of tears. She was rushing over, making sure to not trip over any of the rocks and plants growing nearby.
"H-hi Aubrey. Sorry for hanging up." He choked out, his throat sore from earlier.
"It's okay! Just grab my hand! You could fall!"
"Okay." He absentmindedly moved one of his legs up from the edge and started to get up. However, in his exhausted state, his balance was a bit off.
Her arm grabbed air.
He saw Mari. She was crying into his shoulder after he’d nearly drowned. She almost lost her baby brother.
It’s okay, Mari.
—
An owl, startled by several loud and sudden noises, cautiously returned to its prior branch. It saw nothing on the ground below but a frog.