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Kaveh wanted to be held.
He’d just finished a tough day of dealing with difficult clients, deadlines, and few hours of sleep, and something about his stressful state got Kaveh feeling lonely on top of it all.
He thought back on the days when he was young and his father would comfort him, carrying him around in his arms, and Kaveh missed that sense of security, the knowledge that someone was there to take care of him. He found himself suddenly touch starved, missing the warmth of a body against him, but he felt too miserable to go to a tavern and try his luck at finding a handsome stranger who would warm him up for a single, meaningless night. It wouldn't do anything for him anyway. He knew deep down that what he wanted was to be held by someone who actually cared about him. Unfortunately, Kaveh nowadays didn't have people like that.
His mind inadvertently wandered to a certain Scribe, but Kaveh didn't want to think about asking him. That would be humiliating, and he didn't particularly feel like showing his roommate that vulnerable and pathetic side of him.
And yet.
Kaveh sat alone in the living-room, wriggling his fingers nervously as he waited for Alhaitham to come home. He had no idea what he was going to say once he walked through the door. The thought of walking up to him and saying "please hold me" made him shudder, but his mind wasn’t providing other ideas. He didn't know how he could ever communicate this need to simply be held without sounding ridiculous, let alone think about Alhaitham’s reaction to his embarrassing request. The mental image of Alhaitham laughing at him or coldly dismissing him almost made him lose nerve, but the urge to be enveloped in strong arms kept him determined.
At last the door opened and Alhaitham walked through, dropping his house keys on a table nearby. Kaveh sat up stiffly and fidgeted with his hands, not knowing what to do with them.
"You're home," he said, voice thick. He swallowed.
"You’re observant," Alhaitham replied in his usual sarcastic manner, but Kaveh was too distracted by his own racing thoughts to retort. This must have been unexpected to Alhaitham, because he looked over at where Kaveh was standing. With an eyebrow raised, he gave him a once-over but said nothing and walked past him to his study. Kaveh immediately followed behind.
Alhaitham stood in front of a bookshelf flipping through a book, and didn't look up even as Kaveh walked closer to stand right behind him. He stopped flipping the pages as he waited, but Kaveh said nothing. Finally, he lost his patience and turned around to face his roommate.
"Can I help you?" his tone was impatient but lost its bite as soon as he saw Kaveh's expression.
Kaveh met his eyes and willed himself to say something. To ask from Alhaitham what he needed. Alhaitham took in Kaveh's wide-eyed look and watched him questioningly, waiting to see what he would say. Kaveh's hands trembled as he begun to have second thoughts.
It was too much. What was Kaveh doing? Alhaitham didn't care for him. He barely tolerated him. He didn’t have any friends close to him. His father was gone, his mother left, he had no one. No one who cared for him the way he wanted to be cared for.
Before he could do anything to stop it, hot tears spilled over his eyes and he choked on a sob, right there in front of Alhaitham, in the middle of his personal study in this own house. Kaveh could not have sunk lower than that moment.
He must have looked crazy to Alhaitham, crying suddenly out of nowhere. He looked away in shame and turned around to run out of there, anywhere, outside the house and far away where he wouldn't make such an embarrassing sight. But before he could get anywhere, Alhaitham grabbed him by the wrist and turned him around.
"What's wrong?" said Alhaitham, and it hurt how his voice actually sounded concerned. Protective. Kaveh didn't dare hope, but he miserably latched onto it. He had come this far, all he needed to do was spill the words.
He willed himself to look up at Alhaitham, and he must have seen something in his face because the next moment, Kaveh was being pulled into a hard chest and arms wrapped around him, one hand cradling his head with fingers burying into his hair, and the other circled his waist.
"Talk to me, Kaveh,” said Alhaitham’s voice was next to his ear, and archons, Kaveh's tears threatened to spill again. Alhaitham was hugging him. With trembling, desperate hands, Kaveh returned the hug, and held onto Alhaitham's robes with a death grip. He exhaled deeply in relief and almost melted when he felt Alhaitham squeeze him. It was heavenly. It was torturous.
"Won't you say something?" Alhaithams voice sounded impossibly gentle. Kaveh buried his face on Alhaithams shoulder in defeat and shook his head slightly.
"Just... stay like this" said Kaveh, squeezing Alhaitham like he wasn't gonna let go anytime soon. "Just for a moment"
By some miracle, Alhaitham continued to hold Kaveh. He seemed to be unconvinced however, because his mouth wouldn't stop talking.
"What has gotten you in this state? Is it work? Something else?" Alhaitham’s hands gingerly ran down Kaveh's back, making Kaveh shiver with the sensation. Kaveh wanted Alhaitham to be quiet, to let him have this moment in peace, but he felt like he owed some form of explanation. He tried to level his voice but it came out shaky and wet.
"Ev’rything, I guess" replied Kaveh unhelpfully. He sounded exhausted, and thankfully Alhaitham didnt push him. He just hummed and rubbed soothing circles on Kaveh's back. Kaveh could kiss him.
"We should sit down," said Alhaitham, and Kaveh tensed at the prospect of being separated. He didn't want to leave Alhaitham's arms even for a moment. He didn't know when he would get another chance to be held like this, if ever.
Except Alhaitham was probably tired of standing up, and perhaps Kaveh was being too clingy for Alhaitham’s taste. Taking any more than this would be pushing it too far.
He made a move to step away, but all of a sudden, Alhaitham was lifting Kaveh up by the thighs. Kaveh instinctively wrapped his legs around Alhaithams torso for support, and wrapped his arms around his neck as Alhaitham walked out of the lirbary and into the living room, carrying Kaveh while he shamelessly clung to him like a koala. He took a seat with Kaveh on his lap like he weighted nothing, and the casual display of strength would have driven him mad with jealousy (and arousal) had it been any other day. But today Kaveh just felt grateful (and mildly aroused) that he was being indulged.
If Alhaitham was uncomfortable in this position, he made no show of it, so Kaveh didn’t say anyhing either. He didn't want to be the one to disrupt the moment or, archons forbid, end the physical contact.
He felt Alhaitham unclip the hair clips from his head one by one and toss them aside, felt his fingers undo the braid that was being held together by them. Kaveh sighed contentedly and buried his face in the crook of Alhaithams neck, feeling shivers from Alhaitham's gentle kneading. There was the threat of tears wanting to spill again, overwhelmed with the relief of finally being touched. It was everything he wanted and needed. To be held and cared for and to feel-
To feel loved. Like his family used to love him, once upon a time. Before he ruined everything.
He didn't think Alhaitham loved him. He wouldn't dare entertain that thought for more than a fleeting moment. During those rare, quiet moments in between shouts and arguments, when it almost felt like they were finally finding their footing again with each other, sharing the same space and getting used to a routine that included the other one, day by day.
Everyone who ever loved Kaveh had left him. But Alhaitham had stayed.
His presence was the only constant in Kaveh's life, for better or for worse. Luckily, Alhaitham was a man with simple, straightforward motivations, and his predictable, albeit insufferable nature had become a comfort to Kaveh. He'd gotten used to the man coming and going as he pleased, because he knew that he would always come home in the end.
Every so often, however, Alhaitham would do something that confused Kaveh, and no matter how much Kaveh tried to make sense of Alhaitham's actions, he could never reach a proper conclusion. Like now:
Alhaitham still had not let go of Kaveh. He seemed perfectly at ease, holding an armful of a teary and snotty Light of Kasharewar. Letting his fingers roam along the length of his back, back and forth. His free hand circled Kaveh's waist securely, and as he became a puddle in Alhaitham’s arms, Kaveh wondered what was going through his mind at that moment. He didn't think Alhaitham was a touchy person. Kaveh assumed that if his requested were granted, Alhaitham would only let himself endure it for a few seconds before shaking Kaveh off and shutting himself in his room for the rest of the evening to recover from the interaction.
The thought made Kaveh restless, and as much as he didn’t want to, he wriggled himself free from Alhaithams hold to put some space between them. Kaveh balanced himself by gripping Alhaitham's shoulders and turned his gaze downward, unable to meet his junior's eyes.
"I'm- I'm okay now," said Kaveh, and it tasted like a lie. "Sorry for- this," he said lamely.
Alhaitham studied his face and said nothing. Slowly, his rand reached out to Kaveh's face and he wiped at a stray tear with his thumb.
"You say you're okay but this says otherwise, " he said, not mocking or sarcastic, just stating a fact.
Kaveh moved to wipe at his own face and mustered a weak smile.
"I must make a miserable sight right now."
"That's nothing new to me," said Alhaitham, and despite his words, his voice sounded so fond it hurt.
Indeed Alhaitham was used to seeing Kaveh this way. The very night that Alhaitham invited Kaveh to stay in his home, he was drunk and blubbering messily. And he often would go retrieve Kaveh from the tavern after having drunk his woes away. Always Alhaitham.
Kaveh squeezed his shoulders.
'I love him. Archons, I do.'
He could kiss him. Kaveh was still sitting on Alhaitham's lap with his hands on his shoulders. Alhaitham continued to hold his waist securely, and Kaveh could kiss him. He saw how easy it could be. Felt how close he was. He could just lean in and-
No.
He couldn't, wouldn't allow himself to take advantage of the situation. Alhaitham wouldn't appreciate it. Not to mention if... if he was reading the signs wrong, if Alhaitham were to reject him now of all times-
No, it was too risky. He'd gotten what he wanted, and he should be happy with that. Hoping for anything more than this was foolish, and he may be a lot of things. Stubborn. Self-destructive, sure. But he was no fool.
Kaveh knew that if Alhaitham rejected him, his heart would not be able to take it.
Unexpectedly, Alhaitham took hold of Kaveh's jaw and squished his cheeks, pulling him out of his thoughts.
"You're making a strange face," said Alhaitham simply. "Whatever you're thinking, stop."
Kaveh blushed and swatted Alhaitham's hand away. "You don't know what I'm thinking."
"I can guess," answered Alhaitham. He examined Kaveh for a moment, and then, "Whatever you want, just ask."
Kaveh flinched.
"You don't know what I'm thinking," said Kaveh again, a little more forceful. An affirmation. A warning.
"I've known you long enough to know when you're holding something back." Impossibly, Alhaitham’s hand moved to push a stand of Kaveh's hair behind his ear. Gentle. Tender, like he'd never been before. Kaveh didn't dare move. Didn't dare breathe.
"Just take what you want for yourself, Kaveh." his voice had dropped into a low murmur, said into the space between them, like a secret. "You deserve all of it."
"... And you'll give it to me?" whispered Kaveh against all sense or reason.
"Try me." said Alhaitham, inching closer. Oh, archons. If this was really happening, if this wasn't some horrible prank- "What do you want, Kaveh?"
You. You you you you you
"I w-want," Kaveh must have moved closer as well, because the next thing he knew, Alhaithams mouth had latched onto his jaw, like he could not wait any longer.
“Go on,” he said. Provokingly. Impossibly, frustratingly-
"I..." his mind blanked as Alhaitham pressed slow, torturous kisses along his jaw. "Alhaitham," Kaveh called out. For what, he didn't know. He was no longer thinking. All he knew was the texture of Alhaitham's robes under his clenched fingers, and the warmth of Alhaitham's mouth on his skin.
"Yes, senior?" Alhaitham breathed more than spoke the reply against his cheek, and Kaveh gulped.
He sent a silent prayer to Lord Kusanali, and before he could chicken out, he grabbed hold of Alhaitham's face and directed his mouth to where he wanted it most.
It was unacceptable that Alhaithams lips be anywhere other than on his own right now.
After that, it was no longer gentle. Alhaitham's soft touch turned firm as he fisted his hand in Kaveh's hair to pull him close. The arm that circled him securely now held him possessively as fingers dug into his skin.
Kaveh rose on his knees to adjust his position, pushing himself closer so that they were pressed chest-to-chest. Kaveh's arms came around Alhaitham’s neck and held on for dear life as they kissed.
And kissed
And kissed.
Kaveh felt a rush of satisfaction and deep relief flow through him. It was in the feeling of Alhaitham's lips on him, the heat of his touch. Of reciprocated feeli-
Kaveh pulled away so fast he almost fell backwards. Alhaitham was quick to catch him and held him upright, wide eyed and flushed. The sight of him nearly made Kaveh forget why he'd stopped. He'd done that.
He snapped back to reality. This wasn't... this wasn't reciprocation. If Alhaitham was doing this just to... what? Calm him down? Archons. He was a fool.
"This isn't... this is..."
"Kaveh?"
"I... I don't know how you're allowing this. Me. It’s too much, even for you."
"...Kaveh. Look at me."
Kaveh couldn't look at him.
"You’re not taking advantage of me. I said I would give you anything you asked for."
He hadn't said that, but he had well enough implied it. Despite himself, Kaveh blushed at the words.
“You shouldn’t.”
“I want to,” he countered easily.
"Why?" Kaveh asked, and held his breath for the answer.
In that split-second, he tried to imagine all the things Alhaitham could say. Each one of them terrified him more than the last.
"Because you never ask for anything," was Alhaitham's reply. "You never put yourself first. You think you don't deserve anything, but you're wrong. And I don't mind being the one to remind you." Alhaitham hooked his fingers under Kaveh's chin, lifting his face to meet his eyes. “But don’t mistake this for generosity. Since when have you known me to be so benevolent? I only do this because it's you.”
Kaveh was left without refutal. Under Alhaitham’s hands and piercing gaze, he could not twist the situation in a way that would favor his self-deprecating tendencies. Maybe Alhaitham spoke the truth. Maybe he really did think Kaveh was worthy of the things he wanted, including him.
"...You do love to tell me I'm wrong," said Kaveh sheepishly, and raised one hand to gently cup Alhaitham's cheek.
"It's what I'm here for," was all Alhaitham said.
The kiss was slower this time, tentative. Kaveh sighed into Alhaitham's mouth, and it earned him a gentle nibble on his lower lip. He thought he could kiss Alhaitham like this forever. He also wouldn't mind kissing like they were a moment ago, but the adrenaline was leaving Kaveh's body and he was feeling spent.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Alhaitham asked when they parted. Gods, he was not going to drop this.
"N-nothing in particular happened. I had a bad day and I... I guess I just...." Wanted to be held in your arms. He flushed even deeper. "I just wanted to be comforted a little." he said. "By you," he added, so he knew he only wanted this from Alhaitham.
Alhaitham hummed thoughtfully. He seemed convinced enough, because the next moment he said, "Come here then."
He pulled Kaveh by the arms until he fell back again on his chest. Before Kaveh could react, he was being engulfed again, head tucked securely under Alhaitham's chin. Kaveh closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the moment, sighing contentedly.
"This isn't uncomfortable for you?" he heard himself asking.
"I wouldn't have offered if it was," he felt the answer more than heard it, the rumble of his voice reverberating though the chest under his ear.
Kaveh felt safe enough to wrap his arms against Alhaitham's torso and nuzzle further into him. Alhaitham, mercifully, squeezed him tighter, and for gods know how many times today, Kaveh felt like tearing up again. For the first time in years, he let himself feel the way he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Safe. Cared for. Loved.
"Can we..." he started. Alhaitham ran a hand through his hair and pressed his nose into his temple, encouraging him to keep going. "Can we sleep like this? Just for tonight." he added quickly.
"Mm," was Alhaitham's simple response, but it still made Kaveh's heart flutter with happiness and anticipation.
He didn’t know yet that Alhaitham wouldn’t let it be just for one night.