Work Text:
On nights when they weren’t able to hang out, Stan and Kyle liked to text. A lot.
Kyle's particular favorite topic was telling Stan all about his crushes. Which, sure, was a little annoying, but shouldn't it have been that much of a problem. Except for Stan, it kind of was.
Ever since they’d started high school, Kyle had a seemingly never ending rotation of crushes. To Stan, it seemed like the feelings didn’t go that deep with these crushes, because he didn’t even like them for very long, maybe a few months at the most . When Stan had a crush, it lasted. Basically his entire childhood he’d had a crush on Wendy, and now… well that was part of the problem. Somewhere along the way, his feelings for Wendy had faded to just friendship, and his feelings for Kyle started to get… less friendship and more… romantic.
But Stan could handle his crush, it was bearable. Sure, his soul felt like that dying rose in The Beauty and The Beast– losing a petal whenever he saw Kyle flirting with someone else at school, but Stan could handle it, he could. It was only when the topic of crushes came up in actual conversation that Stan felt like there was a giant hand squeezing his entire chest. It was like he was quite literally being crushed to death by the weight of his feelings.
When Kyle wasn’t telling Stan about any of that crush stuff and it was just the two of them together talking about unromantic things, everything was fucking amazing. Especially when they were together in person. For some reason, Kyle rarely talked about his crushes in person, (which was totally fine by Stan), but over text was a different story.
Sadly, since Stan was stuck out on the buttfucking boring ass farm, they had to text a lot, because it was much harder to hang out in person. It didn’t lessen their friendship though; even if they were just texting, it was almost as exhilarating as being with Kyle in person.
Stan would laugh out loud at every little thing Kyle said, and they’d react and respond to basically every message. They could be up at three am having three different conversations on three different apps, and it felt completely natural.
They had taken to texting each other constantly at home, to the point where Stan’s family started to call him out for having his face in his phone all the time. He couldn’t help it though, having feelings for Kyle made every interaction they had so much more meaningful and exciting… but also more intense on Stan’s emotions. The highs were soooo high, but the lows were low and often .
The problem for Stan arose when it came time for Kyle’s almost nightly debriefing of his crush-related incidents of the day. Or when Kyle needed advice for texting one of them, and sent Stan screenshots, frantically asking how he should respond. In those moments, Stan did his best to give actual thoughtful and good advice, even if it killed him to help Kyle get closer to someone else. It was just so conflicting.
On the one hand, he wanted his best friend to be happy, and if being happy meant having a crush actually pan out for him, then Stan wanted that for him. On the other hand, he selfishly hoped that none of Kyle’s crushes went anywhere, because if Kyle was single, there was still a sliver of hope for Stan. He knew that was a horrible thing to want, but he couldn’t help it.
Stan wasn’t sure why Kyle had to have such a constant stream of fucking crushes, because the other thing about Kyle was that if he had a crush, he would shoot his shot. Not in a creepy way or anything– it was Kyle for christssake, he was respectful as hell – but he was always compelled to make a move. ‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!’ was one of Kyle’s favorite things to say. Stan wondered how that analogy would work in his situation… you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take… unless you shoot and miss and the ball hits a gas line and the whole court explodes.
That’s basically what would happen if Stan admitted his feelings to Kyle and he didn’t reciprocate– Stan and his entire life would explode. Everything would be over for him if Kyle didn’t take it well. That, or, the pain of his rejection would probably send Stan into cardiac arrest. That was the problem with having a deep crush on someone you’re emotionally bonded to, getting rejected could be catastrophic. In that way, Kyle was lucky his crushes were all reasonably shallow; because since he was actually bold enough to make a move, he would get turned down... a lot. Not a lot, but much more than Stan would ever be able to handle. Kyle was just brave and tough like that, something Stan admired him for.
And it wasn’t that there was anything wrong with Kyle that made people turn him down ( they were all fucking blind or insane or both) it was just that he would get friendzoned pretty often since he was one of the nerdier guys in the class, and it probably didn’t help that everyone had known each other since they were babies and had basically all paired off in elementary school. Crossing those deeply established social lines was something most kids weren’t comfortable with, or they were too lazy to deal with the drama of.
Just this year, he had been turned down by Heidi– and not for the first time –but that was because she was a bitch and kept giving him mixed signals and leading him on. Okay she wasn’t a bitch, but she was totally leading Kyle on, and it wasn’t just Stan’s jealousy making him say that. Heidi would start chatting up Kyle every so often when she got bored, sometimes even calling him to talk on the phone or facetime, so of course that was confusing for Kyle. And she was totally flirting too, Stan could tell from the texts Kyle had shown him. Yet she still had the audacity to turn Kyle down two months ago, saying she was too focused on her studies to date (yeah right, if Kyle Broflovski wanted to date you, then studies be damned, you date him.)
On top of that, Kyle had also tried to shoot his shot with Tolkien and gotten turned down. That one really killed Stan– he literally went on a bender when Kyle sent a text that said that he had planned ‘a big phone call with Tolkien tonight’. Barf.
But Stan's meltdown was mostly unfounded, because Tolkien shot Kyle down, his excuse being he didn’t want to mess up the vibe on their TikTok account by changing their personal relationship… and a week later he and Nichole got back together anyways. Stan wanted to kick Tolkien’s ass for that one, but they were technically friends, that probably wasn’t the move. And Kyle didn't seem too torn up over it.
What the fuck was wrong with these people? Were they blind, or just plain fucking stupid? How could they not see how amazing Kyle was?! That was all Stan could see– it was all he could think about sometimes.
Stan always had to be there for Kyle when he got rejected too. As much as it hurt to see his friend get down on himself, it hurt even more to not be able to say all the things he wanted to that might’ve made Kyle feel better without giving himself away.
When Kyle started being self-deprecating and saying shit like that nobody wanted to date him because he wasn’t talented or cool, Stan would reassure him that he was super cool and funny and interesting, but that wasn’t all he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Kyle that he was the coolest fucking person he had ever met, and if anybody couldn’t see that then they should fuck off forever. If he could, he would tell Kyle that he was so fucking talented at the things he loved to do, and that the way his mind worked was so unique, yet somehow perfectly in sync with Stan’s at the same time, and it made Stan feel like they were two parts of a whole.
When Kyle got down on himself because of the way he looked– talking shit about his puffy hair, his nose, his freckles, and all that –Stan wanted to scream into his phone that Kyle had never been so fucking wrong in his life. His hair was gorgeous and perfect and the way his curls bounced was hypnotic. His nose was strong and defining and nothing like his mother’s– and even if it was –Kyle made it fucking work . Kyle hated how his freckles had gotten more prominent as he got older, but Stan was crazy about them. Sometimes he would even zoom in on pictures of Kyle so he could stare at his freckles and follow the patterns with his eyes.
But it’s not like he could fucking tell Kyle that, or tell him he had a whole fucking folder of just pictures of him on his phone because that’s how attractive he found him. He couldn’t reveal that he also had another folder of cute things Kyle said over text, and yet another that was just pictures of them together. Not to mention playlists made for Kyle (never to be sent) or about him. Or all the notes that Kyle had passed him in class that Stan had saved in a shoebox to read over and over again. Oh, or Kyle’s shirts that he’d ‘borrowed’ and had ‘forgotten’ to give back. Or that every single song reminded him of Kyle, no matter what it was supposed to be about.
So, yeah. Stan was taking all that crazy shit to his grave, because there was no way he could ever tell Kyle about any of that. So he just had to suck it up and languish, letting all that cheesy shit rot away all his rational brain cells. The worst part was that Stan knew he was insane, but still couldn’t stop himself.
Logically he knew that even if Kyle magically did reciprocate his feelings, it’s not like they could be together anyways, right? What would everyone at school say? Their parents, fucking Cartman. Plus, they were going to college in less than two years anyways, and that long distance shit was stupid as hell; and being in a relationship would ruin the whole college experience! Not to mention that if they ever broke up, it would ruin everything they’d built together their entire lives and Stan would have nothing and no one.
So here he was. Stuck spending another stupid night staring at his phone and skipping a heartbeat every time he heard Kyle’s text tone ping. He couldn’t tell Kyle how he felt, and couldn’t ask him to shut the fuck up about his stupid crushes because that would be both mean and suspicious. Stan was sprawled out on his bed, listening to a playlist he'd made that reminded him of Kyle… as he texted Kyle. Because that’s just how genuinely pathetic he was.
Kyle: so dude
Kyle: at lunch Heidi said she wanted to study for the history midterm with me
Kyle: so tn I texted her and asked when she wanted to meet up. like. that’s a totally normal thing to ask! Right?!
Kyle: then she said like ‘oh sorry I’m busy tomorrow and thursday’, but the test is on friday???
Kyle: do u think she still wants to study? or maybe it was like, a soft date but she got cold feet?? Idk, what do u think dude?
Kyle then sent a screenshot of the conversation, which was a much more boring version of exactly what he had just told Stan. All it said was:
Kyle: When did you want to study for the midterm?
Heidi: Not sure! I’m busy on Weds & Thurs tho :(
Kyle: The test is Friday morning, are you not free before then?
Heidi: Oops I guess not. My bad!
Kyle then started to badger Stan with texts trying to provoke a response. Stan was taking a while to think of something to say besides ‘ SCREW HEIDI! I'M RIGHT FUCKING HERE!’ Usually when they were texting about crushes, Stan only gave short replies because he couldn’t think of much else over the pain in his soul that someone else got to flirt with Kyle while he was the one who had to hear all the details. He was trying to be less curt though, because he worried he was starting to seem uninterested in Kyle’s love life and that would make him a bad friend (plus he was very interested, but only with the parts of it that concerned Stan himself… which as of now, seemed to be nonexistent).
Kyle: wats her deal dude?? Like wtf do u mean ur not free, U ASKED
Kyle: srly dude, what do u think is up with that
Kyle: i didnt even say anything flirty!
Stan: bruh
Stan: that’s weird
Kyle: RIGHT!!!!
Kyle: like what do u think her deal is??
Stan: do you want me to b fr?
Kyle: yea no shit that’s why I asked u
Stan: okay fine
Alright, Kyle had asked for it. This is what he would have said to any other friend in this situation, and not just one that he was hopelessly in love with.
Stan: she just likes attention dude. She's leading you on. All she cares about is getting good enough grades to get into that study abroad program so she can fuck some european douche
Kyle: damn. u really think so?
Stan: I mean not at first, but at this point yeah. If she really liked you then none of those excuses would matter, right?
Kyle: yeah I guess
Stan: dude dont be sad tho. she’s just book smart, not like, dating smart
Stan: remember she dated cARTMAN in 4th? like. She’s clearly whack af
Stan: honestly her rejecting u is a good sign, it means ur actually cool
Kyle: ahahaHAHAHAHAH
Kyle: thnk you that just made me actually laugh so hard
Stan wanted to respond by saying something like ‘Kyle, you can seriously tell me anything, at any time. I’ll always listen to you and try to help you if you need it. I want to know what's on your mind, you can tell me every single thought that you have. I want to know everything about you.’ Instead he said:
Stan: any time bro haha
Kyle: well that made me feel a little better, so thank you dude
Along with the text Kyle sent a partial photo of his face with half of his wide smile prominent. Stan’s heart almost leapt out of his chest. If he couldn’t be with Kyle, it at least felt good to make him smile. He was happy to do that for him, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Kyle would smile even more if Stan actually told him all the sappy things he thought about him. Or he might be freaked out and never smile at Stan again.
Kyle: so how about u? R u talking to anyone?
Stan wanted to scream, ‘YEAH, YOU, STUPID,’ but per usual, he just steered the conversation away from his own love life as quickly as possible, because what was he going to say? His only real love life was obsessing over Kyle and the fantasy relationship they had together in his head. Sure, he texted some people here and there, but his heart was never in it. There was really no room for anyone else there but Kyle.
Stan: nah
Stan: i think wendy wants to hook up again, but I’m not about it
Kyle: that sucks dude but I get it
Kyle: dont let her guilt you into anything
Stan: lol thnks. I wont.
Kyle: damn.
Kyle: What u said about heidi actually gave me a lot of perspective
Kyle: ur the best dude ily
Stan wished Kyle wouldn't say things like that because it gave him hope that Stan knew was false. Yet at the same time, he wanted to consume compliments from Kyle like they were water and Stan was a man stranded in the desert.
Kyle: im way less pissed off now :)
Stan: haha lucky u, im feeling kind of emo
Stan made it sound like a joke, but it was the truth. Kyle didn’t need to know it was because of him that Stan was upset.
It was like every time Kyle talked about his crush on someone else, Stan sunk further into quick sand as it became more and more obvious that Kyle didn’t like him back in that way. It probably didn’t even cross Kyle’s mind to be interested in Stan like that. It scared the crap out of Stan because he knew that Kyle took up much more of his life than he did of Kyle’s. Stan felt almost constantly occupied by thoughts of him, and he knew for a fact Kyle wasn’t burdened by that– his many crushes being one such piece of evidence.
Kyle: well i am still kindaaa pissed off
Kyle: if im mad and ur sad, does that make us like
Kyle: fireboy and watergirl?
Kyle: oo or like u know finn and flame princess from adventure time
Kyle: and she says he’s a water elemental bc he cries and cries all the time? hahaah
Stan: me af
Stan couldn’t think of anything else to say, his brain was short circuiting. Finn and Flame princess were like, a couple, right? Maybe he was implying that he and Stan were like… like a couple? Stan tried to think of what the fuck to respond to that. How could he laugh it off as the stupid joke it clearly was, but also show that he didn’t mind that comparison.
Kyle: wait lmao not like that theyre a couple tho HAHAH
Kyle: just that they’re like. water and fire lmao
Kyle: maybe a better one would be like zuko and katara from atla
Kyle: i dont think they’re a couple LMAO
Well. It was time to throw himself off of a cliff. Goodbye cruel world, this is the last you’ll ever see of Stan Marsh before he exploded into a pile of dust.
Although… maybe this was a chance to flirt with Kyle and gauge how he reacted? It was a lighthearted conversation, so Kyle was probably take it as a joke anyways. Also, Stan knew he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to cover his tracks even further by texting ‘lol’ every two seconds so he had that as an insurance policy, as stupid as it was.
Stan: nah they weren’t a couple
Stan: but all the fans really wanted them to be one hahaha
Stan: loololllolllololollolol
Stan: I think i saw that somewhere
Kyle: Bro
Kyle: LMAO
Kyle: that’s wild
Kyle: couldnt be us then lolol
Stan: haha
Stan felt like he was frozen and suspended in midair. Kyle had rejected him and didn’t even realize it. Stan didn’t even have to ask him the question of how he felt about him, Kyle had just outright said it, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Not knowing had been better. Deluding himself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, Kyle liked him too was better than flat out knowing he didn’t like him like that.
It felt like he had simultaneously disintegrated and like a 100lb weight was sitting on his chest– but Stan had known all along that this was a truth he would have to face. That despite everything they’d been through together and everything they were to each other, Kyle still didn’t like him. Not like that.
Stan was too heartbroken to even get off the bed and find some whiskey to drink, so he lay there totally sober, in a black hole of his own making. Maybe he should skip school tomorrow and just rot in bed. But then he wouldn’t get to see Kyle. And he still wanted to see Kyle. Even though it was slowly killing him, he would still take whatever he could get of him. Being friends with Kyle was better than being nothing at all.
Like they said at football practice, he’d just have to play through the pain. It reminded him of Kyle’s favorite saying, about missing shots you don’t take. How would that analogy work in this case? Stan missed a shot that he didn’t even take. It would be like if he scored for the other team, or got put in the penalty box.
Kyle kept on texting like nothing had happened, changing the subject to something innocuous that Stan was mindlessly responding to, even though he still felt frozen in time. There was nothing else Stan could do to pull himself out of despair except hope that he’d find another crush soon, someone he could actually be with. But he knew that wasn’t likely. At least he and Kyle had that in common.
For now, he’d have to settle for them suffering being single together. He’d stand by while his friend went off looking for someone new, and all the while, the only person Stan would be looking at was him.