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They’ve put a huge photograph of us up in the foyer at Top Gun. Did you know? I just saw it on my way into work.
To Maverick,
I'm assuming that last letter came from you and was not in fact written by an illiterate chicken, which was my first guess. Were you not taught how to use a pen at school? I'm also not sure if you're aware, but it’s customary to both address and sign-off letters with the name of the recipient and the name of the letter writer. In future you can refer back to this letter as a template if you get confused.
Onto the second order of business, this photograph. I was not aware, and I'm guessing neither were you. Please give me more insight into this photo, as you deigned to give me absolutely none in your letter. Perhaps you could share with me when it was taken and we’ll go from there. I'm going to assume I look devastatingly handsome in it. You probably look short.
Best wishes,
Iceman
Ice,
You're such a dick sometimes I hope you know that. Someone got a photo of you grinning at me like idiot on the Layton. I think it was just after you told me I was the best pilot you'd ever met and you wish you could be even half as good at flying as I was. Your ugly mug is the first thing I see when I walk into work each morning, it actually makes me feel a bit ill.
Mav
To Maverick,
Your last letter was a slight improvement on the first, although your handwriting really is appalling. I think I just about deciphered your meaning through the squiggles.
You and I must remember that moment on the Layton very differently because I distinctly recall you being the one doing the fawning. How touching for it to have been immortalised in Top Gun’s hallowed halls. I imagine that merely the image of me will provide inspiration for the next generation of aviators.
Speaking of, how is teaching going? Slider wants to know if you’ve made anyone cry yet (I'm guessing he means Viper or Jester).
Best wishes,
Ice
Ice,
I’ve sent over a copy of the photo, weirdly Viper gave me a framed version. I'm not sure why he thought I’d want that, but I’ve taken it out to send to you and replaced it with a photo I found of a hedgehog that looks remarkably like you. Teaching is going fine but you wouldn’t believe the amount of paperwork I have to do. The only person close to crying is me — it’s never-ending. No wonder Jester was such a miserable bastard whilst we were at Top Gun. I'm living in the instructor’s village now and that’s some sweet shit, I’ve got a backyard and everything. How’s life on the Enterprise? I imagine it’s boring without me. Tell Slider he’s an asshole from me.
Mav
To Maverick,
Have you considered quitting the Navy to become a comedian instead? Give it some thought.
I can see I was right to assume I’d be exceptionally good looking in the photo, and it’s hung for everyone to see you say? I imagine you're rather less pleased with it, considering you look like a sweaty mess. And why are you clutching me quite so tightly?
As for the teaching, I'm glad to hear it’s going well and that you're inspiring the hearts and minds of the very best aviators the Navy has to offer. You truly are a credit to your profession. Life on the Enterprise remains much the same as usual. A few MIG sightings every once in a while, but they bug out at the first sign of us. Slider continues to amuse everyone with retellings of the Layton mission, each increasingly ridiculous. I think the latest version has you parachuting onto one of the enemy MIGs and ripping the engines off with your bare hands before parachuting away again. He actually does a remarkably good impression of you, although he has to get down on his knees in order to do it; ask him to show you next time we’re in town.
A backyard sounds nice right about now though, I haven't seen grass in a long time. But does this mean you're neighbours with Jester? That would be unfortunate, although I bet he keeps an immaculate lawn. Must be nice have Charlie nearby too?
Best wishes,
Ice
Ice,
I was not “clutching you”, I'd just saved your life, remember? If anything, you were the one clutching me. Luckily I'm not neighbours with Jester, he lives in one of the bigger houses closer to base near Viper. Now that’s some real fancy shit. Viper’s got a huge backyard and three bedrooms. Three! I've got one and a half and I can't in good faith let anyone other than Bradley sleep in there because it’s so small. If you or Slider ever came to stay I'd have to fold you up into at least thirds in order to get you to fit. Charlie and I actually ended up going our separate ways. All okay though, she’s gone back to DC. It’s hot as balls here, you wouldn’t believe how hot my office is right now, I'd give anything for a cool ocean breeze.
Yours sweatily,
Mav
To Mav,
When I suggested adding a proper farewell ‘yours sweatily’ wasn’t what I had in mind. But we can work on sign-offs, just as we can work on something called a paragraph.
Sorry to hear about you and Charlie, although I have no doubt you’ve already moved onto the next girl(s). Or perhaps hanging out with Viper has been keeping you too busy for romance? I wasn’t aware the two of you were bosom buddies but now you're telling me you’ve been to his house? And you didn’t steal his silverware or anything?
Best wishes,
Ice
Ice,
Sorry it took me so long to respond, I got sent on a spec ops deployment. It’s classified so I can't tell you any more than that. I'm glad to be home though, where I was was even hotter than here if you can believe that. I swear I'm still finding sand in places it really shouldn’t be. Viper and I aren't “bosom buddies”, he and June (his wife) invite me over sometimes for dinner. You're not allowed to tease me about misplaced father figures, I'm an orphan and you’ll definitely go to Hell for that… I think Wolf and Wood are swinging by this weekend, they somehow found out about the photograph and want to see it in person. I'm preparing for a weekend of bullying.
Yours sandily,
Mav
To Mav,
You're the one who brought up daddy issues, not me… I’ll say nothing else on the subject. Glad you're back safely from wherever you’ve been, you managed to get all the sand out your crevices yet? You should have asked Wolf to hold you by the ankle and shake you out like a rag doll. Should be easy enough since you're about the size of one.
Has your liver recovered from your weekend with the Ws? Did you get up to anything scandalous? Flirt with any admirals’ daughters again? I’ll have to live vicariously through you for the moment as life on the Enterprise is about as exciting as you'd imagine. Rodeo managed to burp his way through the entire alphabet the other day which was a real thrill.
Best wishes,
Ice
Ice,
I'm staying well away from all admirals’ daughters, I more than learnt my lesson there thank you very much. I'm not surprised your life is boring without me, it’s okay you can admit it. Just about survived the Ws, did you know Wood can do the worm? Maybe that should have been his callsign instead, he’s pretty good at it. New cohort of pilots coming up which means even more paperwork than usual. Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet not coming back to Top Gun. The flying is cool though and there’s lots of it. And I still like my garden.
Yours busily,
Mav
To Mav,
Wood’s talent at the worm isn't something I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing with my own two eyes just yet, but I’ll be sure to ask for a demonstration next time I see him. You should ask him to teach you, then you can add it to your creative repertoire along with the “singing”.
Not much to report here, other than the fact I think Slider has finally worked up the nerve to ask Jenny to marry him. It’s been painful listening to him worry about it, especially when she's so clearly going to say yes, but I’ve been a good friend and have listened to him practice his proposal speech at least a hundred times. I'm confident at this point that I could deliver it word-for-word on his behalf if needed. I'm counting down the days until we get off this ship so I never have to hear about Jenny’s ‘radiant smile’ again. At first he went for ‘tooth-filled smile’ but I made him workshop that because it’s a) too wordy; and b) really fucking weird. Honestly, how he's managed to get a woman of Jen’s calibre to fall in love with him remains one of life’s great mysteries. I think the stress has reduced his brain to mush. Who knows, maybe she’d have loved it? Do women like talk of teeth? Perhaps you can incorporate it into your next pick-up line at the O Club. Let me know how it goes; surely nothing can be worse than you attempting to flirt through the medium of song.
Best wishes,
Ice
Ice,
I will not be trying to pick up women in bars by talking about teeth. I doubt even you would have success with that. That’s great news about Slider and Jenny, although I'm absolutely amazed that there’s a single woman on this earth who’d want to marry Slider. Slider?! Let me know where she lives so I can warn her what she's getting herself into. I love weddings though. Do you think Slider would invite me? He’d probably be nervous about me upstaging him (valid concern). If Jenny is dumb enough to say yes then will you put in a good word for me? I'd make a dashing bridesmaid.
Yours toothily,
Mav
To Mav,
I asked Slider if you could be a bridesmaid and I honestly haven't seen him laugh that hard in a while. He said whilst he’s sure you’d look lovely in a dress, you're not allowed anywhere near his wedding. He then went a bit pale and started mumbling about jinxing the proposal by talking about the wedding like it was a sure thing. He looked close to tears so I beat a hasty retreat.
Thanksgiving is coming up, do you have any plans? My family are pissed I'm missing it for the third year in a row. I’ll have to do some grovelling when I finally get some leave. They live not too far from Top Gun, maybe I can swing by and see the photo in all its glory in the foyer. Slider is obviously going to be off wooing his fair lady, so I guess I’ll be stuck with just you for company.
Best wishes,
Ice
Ice,
Can’t write much, crashed bike. Broken wrist. Miserable.
Yours brokenly,
Mav
Dear Mav,
You’re telling me we let a man who can’t even successfully ride a motorbike fly a multimillion-dollar jet? Jokes aside, please tell me you went to hospital and got properly checked out instead of being a martyr and pretending everything was okay. Since you're clearly well enough to write (although honestly, what was that? I'm guessing you’ve fucked your right hand because that letter looked like you'd written it by holding the pen in your teeth) I’ll assume you're mostly okay.
In case you need something to live for, Slider and I have been given dates for our shore leave, in three months we’ll have our feet back on dry land. All being well Sli will have one knee on dry land too. Try to hang on until then, although from the cheerful tone of your last letter you're taking it like a champ. Chin up, buddy, wrists heal quickly, and now that Charlie has gone yours could probably do with a rest anyway.
Hopefully you have nice Thanksgiving plans to take your mind off things, let me know what you get up to. I’ll be sending up a special prayer of thanks for both of my functioning wrists. Get better soon, don’t be a menace.
Best wishes,
Ice
Dearest Tom,
Carole here, on scribe duty for Pete. How are you doing, honey? Pete wants me to clarify that he hasn’t started to dictate yet, and that it’s me calling you honey, not him. He's in a real flap about it, bless.
He was meant to be spending Thanksgiving with us anyway, but he’s flown out a bit early (Mike Metcalfe told me they sent him away because no one could be dealing with his terrible mood and that I do believe! He’s like a grumpy bear at the moment! Cheered up when he opened your letter though), oh it’s good to see him. Bradley is thrilled too, and he's being extra mindful of the sling.
Okay sorry Pete’s clearing his throat and asking how long it takes to write a quick explanation. Don’t worry, I reminded him if he was in a rush he could write it himself. That shut him up. Okay he says:
‘Hi Ice, all is fine here. I'm with Carole and Bradley for Thanksgiving, and giving thanks I'm not stuck on a ship in the middle of the ocean with you and Slider. The food and company here are considerably better. I'm not allowed to fly for another two weeks, it sucks. And I swerved to avoid a coyote, asshole. What would you have had me do instead? Commit murder against a defenceless animal? That’s low, even for you. (Carole’s note: he’s such a softie really. Don’t tell him I told you this but he once hit a rabbit in Goose’s Jeep and he cried all the way home, bless him). Hope you're enjoying all your flying. Have I mentioned I can't fly for another two weeks? Ice and his perfect wrists. No guessing how he’s keeping those busy, the wanker. No Carole don’t write that- (Carole’s note: sorry honey, ignore that bit). Remind Slider I want an invite to the wedding.
Yours groundedly,
Mav
Okay that’s him done, a man of few words, our Pete. Although I'm not sure ‘groundedly’ is a word? He’s wandered off to play catch with Bradley in the garden, although how he’ll manage with his arm I have no idea.
Pete has no manners so hasn’t asked after you and Ron, but I hope you're both keeping well? And what's this I hear about an engagement?! How exciting! Send him my love. I'm sorry you boys aren't back home for Thanksgiving, but I'm thankful that you're both safe and happy. Pete mentioned you might have shore leave coming up soon? You must go and see the photo of you both in the lobby at Top Gun! You both look dashing, I caught two of the secretaries giggling over it when we were there and I don’t blame them. The photographer did something very clever with the perspective to make Mav look almost as tall as you!
It will be nice for Pete to see you again, he’d never admit it but he’s still finding it hard without Goose. They really were inseparable and now it’s just him. Of course he’ll always have Bradley and me, but I'm sure he’d appreciate seeing some of his other friends.
Anyway, I must dash, I think Mav might have just thrown a baseball through our neighbour’s window.
All my love,
Carole
XXX
P.S. I’ve included a drawing Bradley did for you. You're the one with the yellow hair (sorry, I did try explaining to Brad the intricacies of highlights and the importance of toner but I fear he’s too young to understand). The green blob is Mav in his flight suit. I know it looks like he's sat on your lap but I don’t think Bradley knows how jets works yet. Mav has promised to take him up in one, god help us.
Dear Mav,
I presume by the time you get this you’ll be back at Top Gun after Thanksgiving and cleared to fly again. From all reports it sounds like you took your weeks on the ground with good grace and weren’t a whiny little bitch about it at all—oh wait…
I will say however that if you wanted to get Carole in as your scribe again then I wouldn’t complain. Her handwriting is exceptional. And she signs off her letters with ‘all her love’. You’ve never sent any of your love, let alone ALL of it. She also included a delightful drawing from your godson — what he lacks in artistic skill he certainly makes up for in imagination.
Carole also referred to me as your friend which is charming, I didn’t realise you viewed me so highly, although of course it isn't a surprise. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with me? I suppose I consider you as something more than just a passing acquaintance, although I'm not sure I'd go as far as describing you as a friend. I could maybe be persuaded were you to send me a crayon drawing in your next letter.
Only two months until shore leave, Slider is literally counting down the days, although he’s acting like a man counting down the days until his own execution, not a man about to propose to the love of his life. I think there's a career on the stage for him if he so wishes, I've never met anyone so dramatic in my life. I keep catching him staring out to sea and sighing wistfully. Do you think there's something wrong with him? I don’t know how concerned I should be.
My family only live forty minutes or so out of town, if you wanted I could take you out for that drink you think I owe you for “saving my life”. And of course I'm dying to see our photo in Top Gun.
Regards,
Ice
Ice,
I don’t know what Carole told you about me but none of it is true. And if she brought up the Petra story then it’s not my fault I look excellent in a wig. I definitely think you should be worried about Slider, but I’ve thought that there was something deeply wrong with him for a really long time. On a scale of one to ten how wistful are those sighs? I’ll take you up on that drink offer but a weekend is best, during the week I'm too tired to keep my eyes open any time after nine (I know, I know, how the mighty have fallen). Also I did not call you my friend! And even if I did you'd be lucky to have me, so screw you. Your only other friend is Slider and he’s too busy yearning to pay attention to you. Really I'm doing you a huge favour giving you the time of day. And to prove what a great friend I am I’ll take you on a little outing to see our photo. Let me know when you're coming back and I’ll try and fit you into my diary.
Yours friendily,
Mav
PS. I don’t have any crayons but here’s a drawing I did of you falling off a ship and being eaten by a shark. Hope you like it.
Dear Mav,
Carole did not mention a Petra story, but remind me to ask her about it next time I see her. I'm intrigued. I will however mention that you look good in a wig to Slider; it might sway him on the bridesmaid front.
Less than a month until we’re home, I'm making a list of things I want to do when I'm back on dry land. Slider’s list is: don’t throw up when proposing to Jen. He’s been looking green around the gills for weeks, so who knows if he’ll manage it.
In bed for nine on a weeknight? Who are you and what have you done with Maverick Mitchell? Whilst I'm sure I could think of some ways to keep you awake, the weekends work fine for me - we’re due to dock on the twelfth. I also enjoyed your quick denial of our friendship, immediately followed by the promise of proving what a great friend you are. I look forward to seeing that friendship in action soon.
See you soon,
Ice
Dear Ice,
I snuck this into your bag when you weren’t looking, there was stuff I wanted to say without the fear of someone on the ship opening your mail. You should probably burn this when you're done reading it, or rip it into pieces and throw it overboard. Heck, you could eat it if you were feeling particularly rabid. It was good to see you, Ice, real good. Those days with you were some of the best I’ve had in a long while. And your sister is great. Don’t freak out, but she definitely knows about us, she told me if I broke your heart she’d rip my arms off and feed them to me. Kinda scary but also kinda sweet. Little does she know that you're the heartbreaker around here, not me. Your parents like me too though, your mother told me so herself (ha! I told you your family would love me, I'm a delight). I'm already counting down the days until you're back again. Oh and send my congratulations to Slider (maybe now he’ll let me come as your plus one?). I wasn’t joking about that wingman shit; if you want me then you’re stuck with me until the very end.
Yours,
Mav
Mitchell,
I'm sure after the recent events of our shore leave I don’t need to spell out what (or who) this is about, but I just wanted to remind you that I can and will make your disappearance look like an accident if I need to. Jen reads a lot of crime thrillers, they would never find your body. If you manage to rein in your self-destructive tendencies long enough to act like a fully functioning human being then I will consider inviting you to the wedding. Consider. But I swear to God, if you arrive in a wig of any description then I will kill you with my bare hands.
You’ve clearly got the better end of the deal here so do. not. fuck. this. up.
I'm watching you,
Kerner