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“Ryan, what’s wrong?” Homelander gave an exasperated sigh.
Ryan blinked out of his spaced-out moment and looked up at his dad. “Uh..” he mumbled seeing the disappointment on Dads face, and it got his heart racing a bit. “Nothing.” He looked away, avoiding eye contact lest the wild animal mistook it for a challenge.
“I know you’re anxious around crowds of people, you’re shy, but I thought you’d be used to this by now.” Dad sounded a bit frustrated, at least Ryan thought. He could never really tell what his dad thought, he’d be playful one moment while the kid could smell the anger seep from his pores.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan mumbled again, eyes half-lidded with near exhaustion. No matter how much sleep he got, he always felt tired.
“Stop mumbling, you know I hate that.” Homelander huffed.
“Sorry.” The boy spoke slightly louder.
“And stop saying sorry all the time, what’s with this generation? You’re all so sensitive.”
“Sorr-…” Ryan bit his tongue, being met with a sigh from the man.
“Ryan..” Dad frowned slightly before guiding Ryan to his couch, he gently sat him down on the giant cushion, yet didn’t seat himself. “You always look sad. No matter what I do for you, I..” he raised his eyebrows and rubbed his chin in faux thought. “Protect you, feed you, clothe you, I give you every new goddamn gadget and gizmo every kid wants and yet it’s not enough.” He didn’t sound mad, but Ryan could tell he was upset. His eyes flickered up to Dads finally, and his eyebrows knitted together in concern. “You always look like a kicked puppy and it’s getting on my nerves, how do you think that makes us look? I love it when you’re by my side but I can’t have you when you look like—“
“I’m sorry! Please don’t kick me out!” Ryan blurted out, his eyes started to water and his lip trembled.
“What?” Homelander scoffed a little, the corners of his lips quirked upwards as he watched Ryan. “Kick you out? No no no, never! You’re my son, what kind of dad would I be if I did that?”
Like grandpa? Ryan knew Homelander hated Soldier Boy, he even made a vow to his son to never be like that bastard. He’d uphold it, surely.
“I’m s-sorry! I j-just, I dunno, I don’t feel happy.”
“Because of me?” Homelander raised an eyebrow.
“No!” Ryan answered quickly and was fast blinking, trying to hold the floodgates. “I-I miss..” he pressed his lips into a thin line and balled his fists, he hated this so much.
“Your mom, I know..what happened was just an accident, it wasn’t your fault. But look on the bright side champ, you have me now.” Dad flippantly acknowledged, then frowned seeing the little tears spill on his sons red cheeks. It wasn’t just Mom Ryan had missed, he missed Butcher, he missed Aunt Grace too, he wanted his family back. Hell, he even missed his old life in the quiet fake suburbs with his fake neighbors. But he couldn’t have it back, Mom was dead, Butcher hated him, and Aunt Grace only looked after him out of obligation.
“Ryan, don’t cry. Remember what I said about crying?”
“B-but m-mom said it’s okay to—“
“I don't care what your mom said.” Homelander snapped, making Ryan flinch. He collected himself for a moment, closing his eyes for a second, then smiled warmly. “Ryan, your mommy turned you into a fucking..” he tried to decide on the right word for it, and as he did so, he sat next to Ryan and wrapped his arm around the boys shoulder. “Sissy.” Homelander explicitly avoided saying pussy, even if he said fuck a moment before. “You didn’t even get your powers before I came! Lucky you got me, hm?” The supe chuckled and gently shook the boy playfully.
Homelander paused for a response and got a nod from Ryan.
“Remember what I told you, we’re gods, Ryan. People worship the ground we walk on, but we still have to look presentable. I had to learn all this celebrity and image stuff as a teenager, but you, you’re getting in on the ground floor. You’re real lucky to learn this early..” Homelanders voice trailed off and his eye ticked a little to see Ryan avoiding eye contact again..he was looking down at the floor, just a poor little thing. The man removed his arm and used the hand he caressed Ryan with to abruptly grab his face. He turned him so they’d have eye contact, catching the way his heart rate picked up.
Look at me when I’m talking to you. Is what Ryan could hear Homelander snap in his head. Maybe he’d even make his eyes glow red for extra measure, he’d seen him do that to The Deep, A-Train, Black Noir…he felt bad for all of them, especially cuz Black Noir was funny and really nice to Ryan.
The boys breath shook with fear and he closed his eyes, he just wanted to be back in his bed, waking up and knowing it was a nightmare all along. With Aunt Grace comforting him, and venting to Butcher about it later over tea..but when he opened his eyes, Homelander was still there.
“Hey there, you with me?” Homelander smiled and said softly as if Ryan had just awoken from a nap. Maybe the boy could float out of his body and turn his brain on robot mode, like he learned to do before. But Homelander was catching onto that tactic and was learning how to ground him just as easily, as shown by the way he dug his fingertips into Ryans head.
“If you wanna do what I do someday, we’re gonna have to fix this teensy little problem.” Homelanders fingers stopped gripping his cheeks, shifting from team captain back to father. He caressed his face gently, yet his son still whimpered. His thumb brushed against Ryans cheek, and started to slowly push against the corner of his mouth. “Understand?” He said sternly.
Ryan opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t feel any words form, the lump in his throat grew bigger. He just nodded.
“Good boy. Now, I’ll help you.” Dads voice was soft and honey-sweet, even if the pressure on Ryans soft cheek hit his teeth with bruising intensity. “Stay still.” His thumb wormed its way past Ryans lips and hooked his mouth as if he were a fish, and he pulled it back tight into a lopsided fake smile.
“Ow ow ow—“ Ryan whimpered, flinching and closing his weepy eyes.
“Hmm.. there.” Homelander pulled his wet thumb out with a pop. “Hold it.” He barked a command at Ryan, and the boy obeyed it. He kept the half grin, his teeth bared uncomfortably. “Now hold the same position on the other side.”
Ryan hesitated before lifting the other side of his mouth into a grin, then looked up at Homelander for approval.
“Good, but you’ve gotta smile with your eyes too. Don’t look scared.” Dad instructed.
What does that mean, smile with his eyes? Ryan was too scared to question him and just tried to look happier.
“Good boy!” Homelander chirped. “You’re a quick learner, just like your old man.”
Ryan hated how Homelander praised him like he was talking to a dog or a five-year-old. But at least he was happy, and that gave the boy a sigh of relief. He let the smile fall and he rubbed his face for a second, only to be met with a scoff.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Ryans eyes looked alarmed as he stared up at Homelander, a dawn in the headlights. “U-uh-“
“I didn’t say stop.” Homelander prompted him to keep going.
..okay. Ryans mouth pulled into a wobbly grin and yet again, he was perfect.
“Great, now just hold it.” Dad gave a smile and gave a playful tap to Ryan’s nose.
The boy kept holding the expression awkwardly, he fast blinked and kept glancing around the room. What else could he think of to occupy himself? He felt like a bug being picked apart under a microscope, getting his wings pulled off slowly.
“Eye contact.” Homelander gently commanded, and Ryan reluctantly looked into those steely blue eyes. They weren’t full of affection or adoration like in some parts of the day, but they were cold and analytical. “Good boy.” He said in that tone that made his skin crawl.
“Yknow, I heard that making yourself smile for a minute a day makes you happier. Tricks the subconscious, who knew?” Dad started to ramble a little. He was allowed to talk, but Ryan knew he himself was not. “Never worked for me. But, I’m sure it’ll work for you. But forcing myself to smile did work with getting my face camera ready, the…coaches, they did this same thing to me that I’m doing to you.”
Ryans smile wobbled a little, his cheeks were starting to hurt.
“It’s conditioning, you do it enough, then you can do it without even thinking! Isn’t that cool?” Dad patted Ryans back, and the boys eyes twitched a little with each rough touch. “So we’re gonna keep holding it til I say you don’t have to.”
“But it hurts..” Ryan mumbled, he was sure his smile didn’t even resemble a happy one anymore, more like an aggressive chimpanzee.
“What was that?” Homelander purred with confusion. Ryan knew he heard, he could hear anything for over a mile.
“It hurts,” Ryan said a little louder.
“Mm.” The man just hummed in acknowledgment. “Keep going.” He leaned back and kept watching Ryan, his eyes unblinking. The boy felt as if he moved or looked away again, Homelander would move closer.
It felt like an eternity, though it was probably a few minutes? Maybe five? But Ryans face was starting to get redder, he was cracking under pressure further and further with the added weight Homelander added.
“W-wh-“ Ryan stammered.
“Not yet.” Homelander deadpanned.
Ryans smile definitely wasn’t perfect anymore, his eyes were weepy again and fat tears were dropping down his cheeks. Was this a punishment? What did he do wrong this time? He had the urge to just drop his pained grimace and cry, yank on Homelanders heartstrings by calling him daddy, and maybe even get an apology and a toy out of it. But no, that was baby stuff. Homelander always told him he was too old for some things, saying he was not a baby anymore, he shouldn’t be a sissy like Mom made him.
“Aaaand..” Homelander clicked his tongue. Ryan was shaking and trembling, his mind kept almost getting cloudy but he kept pulling himself back through the fog. “There, let go.” Dad finally said. The boy let his mouth relax and he let out a loud, shuddering exhale. He sniffled and fast blinked, tears kept spilling out of his eyes and he whined.
“Good job, now, next time we do this, try to keep it as tight as you can for as long as you can.” Dad stroked Ryan’s hair and smiled, then ruffled his brown locks. The boy couldn’t stop shaking, eyes locked down to his lap, sniffling.
“N-next t-time?”
“Yeah! We have to keep practicing, don’t we? Practice makes perfect.” Dads red gloves swiped away Ryans tears, the cool leather blessing his firey cheeks. He grabbed onto his sons chin to lift his head, Ryan was limp as if tranquilized. “Don’t keep crying.” He cooed and frowned a little awkwardly. “I hate to see you like that. When you get down, you don’t stop smiling for them and you stop moving. Get it?”
“..mhmm.”
“Perfect.” Dad kissed his forehead, then got up and wiped his gloved hands onto his suit. “We’ll keep doing this til you’re… til you say you’re happy again.” He gave a little smile at Ryan, and suddenly, the boy knew what he did wrong to deserve what happened. “As a reward for doing so great, I’ll order us pizza. How’s that sound?” It wasn’t training if you didn’t give your dog a treat for doing what you wanted.
“I’m..” Ryan sniffled again and wiped his nose with his plaid sleeve. “I’m lactose intolerant..” he reminded Dad. He didn’t like pizza anyway, they both hated the texture.
Homelander just rolled his eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you, you’re a supe, you can digest anything.” He said as if Ryans allergy was something Mom made up..even though he remembered the first time he made his son try some new pasta, and he ended up hours on the toilet. Then Ryan remembered the weird and funny anecdotes Dad told afterwards about being fed poison and various other substances as a child, but this right now wasn’t very funny. “I’ll order it. Even if you were lactose intolerant, you have to build immunity, every kid likes pizza.”
“…”
“Speaking of!” Dads fingers snapped with realization. “Victoria Neuman has a daughter about your age. I’ll set up a play date, maybe she could even be your first girlfriend?” He teased Ryan, then sighed when he got no response.
“I’ll order it, just ah, watch TV.” Dads cape swished as he turned on his heel, then walked away. Ryan knew he was gonna end up stuck with the entire box to himself with Dad just watching him like an animal in a zoo and trying to make small talk.
He slumped back against the couch, looking at his tired reflection on the black screen above him.
When Ryan heard Dads boots step out of earshot, he sniffled and could’ve started to cry, but he didn’t. He just didn’t have the energy for it, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep instead.
He hoped Homelander didn’t wake him up, he just wanted to sleep forever.