Work Text:
r/trueoffmychest I [19F] have serious family beef with my brother [21M] and we just made up but now he’s dating my other brother [20M]
Post by u/therealalibaba
obviously i need to clarify the context but w/e i think the story is more fun this way
so for the longest time i’ve had mega beef with my older brother, we’ll call him crow, and we’re beefing because he did a lot of shitty things in the past. if I went through all the things that mf did then we wud be here all day, but murdering my mom in another world may or may not be one of the things on that list. anyway, crow has actually put in the work to make up for all the things he did and we’ve been cool for awhile but ig since we never talked about it he didn’t know?? idk how since he comes over to my dad’s cafe every other day to hang out with me, my brother (called joker for this story lel), dad, and our cat (he’s called mona but he’s not really in the story), and it’s not like we actively hate him?? joker and dad always tell him he’s welcome, and i agree but idk ig i needed to say that too. anyway, i think crow’s a good person now. he’s studying to be a social worker, yk the type that helps kids and shit, he’s so much nicer, he’s tried to and succeed getting the people he wronged to 4give him, and he’s not murdering people in another dimension anymore so like i said i 4gave him yonks ago.
recently crow’s been more mushy lately, which is saying a LOT considering this guy has the emotional output of a toaster, but it’s been nice yk. he’s come a long way from that bitter, hateful, and murdery person he used to be. and maybe, just maybe, i’m a little proud of him. but never EVER tell him i said that !!
anyway, let’s get to the juice of the story. yesterday crow came over to my house (i live with dad, crow has his apartment, and joker lives in the attic above dad’s cafe), what i first thought was to talk about another featherman theory, but turns out it was gonna be a more serious conversation than that. side note, if any of u guys know a good figurine supplier for featherman then leave the link in the comments. or just say u do and i’ll look into ur browsing history later. anyway, he came into my room and told mona to leave. after the cat scat, crow sat me down on my bed and said the most embarrassing shit i’ve ever heard. he was like “alibaba, i know that we’ve had our differences in the past and i will understand if you never forgive me for it but i want to know if you can tolerate me.” i wud’ve laughed if he hadn’t been so serious about it. so i said to him “i already 4gave u for that, mom wud have wanted it that way and i’m not angry anymore yk.” he was pretty shocked by that but thanked me for being honest lol.
this is where shit gets real. he was then super serious x2 and was like “so, you don’t mind if i stay with the team permanently then?” and i was like “dude, we share a shitty dad so obviously i need u in my life so i have some1 to bitch about it 2.” just to clarify, my cafe dad is my adopted dad and i luv him. crow was then like “even if i became apart of your family?” which is like ???? ur my literal brother ??? ig he didn’t really feel like he was considering the shit he did but i’m the one who decides who my brother is, so he’s wrong. i told him that and then this is where he decides to drop the biggest bomb of the century! even bigger than when that mysterious but cool hacker alibaba leaked the whole script for that shit dumpster fire show i will not be naming. crow was like “i wanted to ask if it would be okay to date joker? i suppose i’m asking for your blessing and i intend to ask boss (dad) and noir (another friend) if they would be comfortable with it as well.” crash course in noir and dad history, noir’s dad was killed by crow in another dimension so she was pretty upset about that and dad really loved my mom, who was also murdered in another dimension but i already said that.
crow explained that he and joker had been unofficially dating and wanted to take things slow because joker was also a victim of crow’s interdimensional murdering. crow also wanted to make sure that it was okay with the people who he had wronged the most (aka. me and noir) so that’s why this weird conversation was happening.
more unnecessary background info, joker and crow are like a gay modern retelling of romeo and juliet but if romeo had a gun and juliet was a twink. yes, they both died irl and came back to life and no, i won’t be explaining that or it cud give away identities. u guys just have to trust. anyway they’ve had years of weird pent up homo thoughts because they like to compete with each other. like last month joker almost broke both his legs trying to beat crow in a bouldering comp (he also tried to look cool and backflip off the top of 1 of the higher routes, hence the leg thing) so imagine that but all the time. i’m also pretty sure that joker learnt how to play chess because he wanted to beat crow at it. it’s actually so embarrassing sometimes but i guess that’s the spice of life.
back to the ‘getting my blessing’ thing, i obviously said it was fine. the whole friend group has been waiting literally 4ver 4 these 2 to get their shit 2gether. crow was happy about that and promised to keep me updated about the other 2’s responses, but i’m confident that they were gonna be the same as me. my brother left shortly after a quick featherman convo and now i’m here.
now for the context before anyone starts mass reporting me for supporting incest, not that u cud do that successfully anyway lel, joker is adopted.
LOL NO I’M LYING HE’S NOT ADOPTED BUT HE’S NOT RELATED EITHER LMAOJWIADOWDH
i met joker in my 1st year of hs because he was sent over to where i live to complete his 2nd year. dad took his boney ass in and we became friends. i think of him like a brother and he says i’m his sister so it’s canon. like i said b4, crow is my actual brother but i met him after i met joker due to life complications. yk, he was busy murdering people. I didn’t even know that he was my brother until after he died a second time and there was a lawsuit about this evil guy who sexually abused a lot of women (of which included my mom and crow’s mom). thank maruki crow didn’t die fr so we cud bond over featherman and hating pineapple on pizza.
anyway, because crow and joker finally got 2gether i wanted to vent it out somewhere. u guys seriously have no idea how annoying they were about not confessing to each other. both of them died at least once and not even a ‘i saw my life flash b4 my eyes and needed to tell u the next time i saw u that i love u’ because they’re both stupid fking toasters. my other friend, let’s call that idiot inari, said that i could paint out my frustrations since he noticed i wanted to share something and wouldn’t tell him what it was. i wanted to wait for crow and joker to come out themselves like the good little sister i am :) but like ??? i wouldn’t mind painting if inari was there w/ me but painting isn’t my thing, it’s his ??? so i went to the next best thing (his words not mine) and vented out to strangers on the internet via mostly anonymous means.
through this, i managed to find that inari has a secret reddit acc he basically priv tweets on lmao. no one but artsy fartsy people read his posts so don’t try finding it. but also the posts are so fking long that i had to run that shit through a program just to get the shortened summary of ‘colours nice and meaningful’.
enough about stupid inari. it was nice to get that off my chest ig (lololol). thanks for coming to alibaba’s ted talk about situational incest :p
u/theomggal
Omg for a sec I thought this was gonna be an alabama type post lol
u/donotlookatmyhistory
??? wdym u can look at our browsing history
u/therealalibaba
:)
u/litmajordumbassminor
thank god for homosexual romeo and julius
u/iluvfeatherpink
ROMEO AND JULIUS IS SO GOOD WHAT
u/pineapplepizza4ver
fake post, it’s actually scary how delusional u are
u/therealalibaba
the source: trust me bro, it’s real
u/pineapplepizza4ver
?
u/guest
SITUATIONAL INCEST LMAO
u/happybappy
Uh OP I’d like to ask about some of the shitty things that Crow has done. Interdimensional murdering is a little vague. Also, Mona is such a cute name for a cat!
u/therealalibaba
mona mona says thank u. also the interdimensional murdering is exactly what u think it is. some of the other things crow did was blackmail our friend group, get joker arrested, and was also just a big liar even if he was kinda bad at it but also kinda of decent?? he also had this whole plan to fuck up our bio dad which led him to doing very questionable things but that’s really a very simplified summery of things
u/happybappy
That’s pretty bad actually, not that the murdering thing wasn’t but yk
u/ivebeenwaitingforthis
interdimensional murdering isn’t real???
u/therealalibaba
u’d be surprised
u/mrtrackrunner
THEY’RE FINALLY DATING?? FOR REAL!!??? THANK GOD
u/thealibaba
shit don’t tell them that this is how u found out ;;; also tf i blocked u from seeing this
u/mrtrackrunner
Uh i didn’t tell them
u/thealibaba
WTF U RANG UP PANTHER??? WHY DID I EVEN LET U FOLLOW MY REDDIT ACC
u/noturjoker
CROW IS ASKING FOR UR BLESSING THATS SO CUTE (i’m joker btw)
u/therealalibaba
wtf i swear i blocked u from seeing this post ??? also go squeal to ur bf not me ew
u/theomggal
Omg irls found Alibaba’s post
u/ivebeenwaitingforthis
that’s a first
u/therealalibaba
no wtf how did joker and skull find this post ?? i fking blocked their ips from viewing it
u/noturjoker
:)
u/blackfalconsmurder
That was an interesting story. Something of this calibre should be posted on a sub-reddit that pertains to sharing fiction rather than muddying another medium where people come to share their real experiences. Perhaps then you would not have invertedly shared private information about someone’s relationship to the friend group they were preparing to tell. A suggestion for next time you decide that this is a good idea, maybe do not make the mistake of accidently sending the link to all of your shared friends’ gmail groups.
u/therealalibaba
WTF NO WAY I DID THAT
u/therealalibaba
I’M SORRY I THOUGHT I MADE SURE NO ONE WOULD FIND OUT
u/noturjoker
omg hi honey!! luv u <3
u/blackfalconsmurder
:) Hello, dear <3 It seems that we no longer need to organise a time to tell everyone about us, knowing Skull’s big mouth.
u/ivebeenwaitingforthis
wait both joker and crow are here??? lololol they both sound so sweet
u/blackfalconsmurder
Don’t stroke his ego, it’ll go straight to his dick if people tell him that they think highly of him.
u/noturjoker
:(
u/noturjoker
but yeah, violet and fox already know. they both just texted me about it
u/therealalibaba
I WAS COPYING THE LINK INTO THE DOC I USED TO TYPE IT UP AND UR TELLING ME I ACCIDENTLY SHARED THAT SHIT?? I’M NOT SOME COMP NEWBIE WTF
u/blackfalconsmurder
Ah. Violet did just text me as well. I assume that your text was as sickeningly sweet as the one I received?
u/noturjoker
obv, i told u that there was nothing to worry about. everyone luvs u <3
u/theomggal
Omg this is so sweet! Congrats guys !!
u/therealalibaba
it was mona when i went to the bathroom. i’m kicking him out
u/noturjoker
r u sure that u just didn’t mess up and r blaming my cat?
u/therealalibaba
shut ur fking mouth istg. and if u don’t come get mona in 15 minutes i’m telling dad to cook him into his next curry
u/noturjoker
u got it oracle :p
u/ilovekbpahp
who's maruki?