Archive of Our Own ^beta

This is stupid, Yoongi thinks as he stares at the download screen on his computer, waiting for the bar to fill up all the way so that he can start this online mmorpg.

He's not sure why he's doing this. Well, he is, but it's— stupid, as established. The thing is, being a music producer at a company allows him to work from home unless he needs to attend a meeting or something of that kind and he really isn't the type of person to go out when he doesn't have to. At most, he goes and gets groceries, and sometimes not even that.

So, he doesn't leave the house and he doesn't really have any good friends, which means that when he isn't working, he has way too much time to spend with himself and his own thoughts.

Long story short, he's fucking lonely and he hates being stuck in his own head.

Of course, most of the advice for his predicament is just various ways of telling him to go outside— Make connections with coworkers, get a new hobby, go to a club, look out for local events in the city, things like that.

But for Yoongi, it isn't as simple as "just going out". It's a complicated web of a multitude of reasons as to why the whole going out and making friends is something that has never really worked out for him no matter how hard he's tried.

Which leads him to where he is now. A few days ago he came across a post with recommendations of things to try for...people like him, and it led him down a rabbit hole of reading through people's experiences and ideas. One of the many things he saw was a bubble of people praising this video game for giving them something fun to do and allowing them to make some connections in a less stressful environment.

Clearly, he hasn't been able to dismiss the idea because now he's watching the download bar reach the end and, a few moments later, the start button for the game is available.

With a sigh, he clicks on it and a loading screen pops up, quickly morphing into the title screen of the game. From there, he is brought to the avatar creation and given a base model to expand on to make his character. He ends up settling for something rather simple, a human rogue character with a shadowy appearance that looks a little bit like him yet considerably more impressive at the same time. Still, he doesn't stand out very much compared to some of the other design options he had, which is admittedly how he likes it. When he's asked for his name, he types in Agustd.

And shortly after that, he's already thrown straight into the game, his character waking up in a forest area as the game provides him with some basic movement tutorials to start off. His first quest pops up and tasks him with finding the city north of where he spawned, so he starts making his way in that direction, not wanting to divert from the planned path just yet. On the way, he gets into his first few minor battles, the wooden sword he started with coming in handy as he adheres to the battle tutorials and successfully manages to fight off the enemies mostly consisting of small, raggedy-looking animals.

After about 10 minutes of game time, the city finally appears in his view, his character making a last dash for the entry as the music changes from a quiet forest ambient into a welcoming, chattery jingle.

As the quest objective finishes, he's welcomed by the final basic tutorial, explaining that towns and cities provide a safe haven without enemies and several different facilities useful to his character. There's an inn to rest in to replenish health and other stats he has yet to discover, an armory for weapons and armor, an alchemy for magic equipment, and more things he's not quite sure he can keep an overview of yet.

At last, he is introduced to the bulletin board, which enables the option to find and join a guild and connect with other, real players. The game explains to him the extra rewards and features of doing so, but he dismisses the option for now. He's not sure anyone would want to deal with a new player who barely knows more than how not to die to an enemy that's level 2.

So, he decides to venture out more on his own, leaving the city in a different direction from where he came from. He saw that he'll be able to unlock access to armor in the city once he reaches level 5, so he takes that as a good starting point to level up his character and explore in the process.

For a while, this goes pretty well. He crosses a wide plains area and makes it into another forest after a while, all the while he fights more low-level enemies and finds some treasures like gemstones that he can sell for money. He crosses paths with other players occasionally, similarly new if their own low levels are any indication, but he doesn't interact with anyone, preferring to stick to himself for now.

And then, all of a sudden, the ground rumbles and something huge bursts out of the dirt next to him. It's a tree that erupts into the sky, like watching a timelapse of its growth but, instead, this is realtime and the thing is sentient, he quickly realizes as one of the huge branches swings in his direction and he barely manages to dodge the attack.

When the green health bar and the level of the enemy appear, he knows he's fucked. This ginormous tree is already level 30 and as a level 4 rogue with no armor and a wooden sword, he's definitely nowhere near equipped enough to beat this thing.

His first instinct is to run but to absolutely no avail. One of the many tree branches latches onto his legs and pulls him backward and, while this barely does any damage, it puts him right back in front of the enemy, meaning there's no way he's actually going to escape.

Guess there's no option but to fight, he thinks as he dodges another attack and begins charging for the trunk. Technically, if he just doesn't get hit, he might be able to win somehow, though the chances seem slim when the enemy's health bar hardly moves a sliver when he attacks. For a moment, he considers just giving up and letting the thing kill him, but he'd lose all the progress he's made since leaving the city and he's far too stubborn to let it go down the drain without even trying.

A few minutes pass in which he follows a dodge-attack-repeat formula that works somewhat well, but progress on the damage he does is still agonizingly slow and, eventually, he slips up. He doesn't roll away fast enough to evade the incoming attack and his character is sent flying from the impact, immediately reducing his health until it blinks red.

Just as he thinks it's over and he'll get squashed to death before he can get back up, the monster is suddenly hit by a huge fireball that explodes on impact and spreads across the enemy, stopping its attack as it lets out something like a desperate yowl and its health depletes to zero, causing it to burn down further until it despawns.

Once the danger is taken care of, he finally finds out what saved him when another player approaches him. This one looks much different from himself, an elf that towers over him, with a fancy, sage green garment and, of course, a magical spell book in hand.

Above their head, the name reads RMagistra and with a solid 58, their level is much higher than his.

RMagistra: You good?

Yoongi blinks a few times, staring at the chat message in the corner of the screen. He wasn't really prepared for anyone to approach him, so it takes a moment in which their characters just stand in front of each other.

Agustd: well, i would've been dead meat without you, that's for sure. thanks for the help.

RMagistra: You're welcome. You should pick up the enemy drops before they end up despawning.

Agustd: i didn't even kill it though...?

RMagistra: Eh, I don't really need the stuff, you can have it. :)

Agustd: oh, thanks.

With that, Yoongi moves to do just that, picking up the leftover treasure and already wondering how he's gonna get back to the city with like 8 HP left. And then—

RMagistra: So, first time playing?

He's surprised the other player is still talking to him. He was expecting them to leave after Yoongi very eloquently didn't have anything to say to keep a conversation going, but here they are.

Agustd: yeah. definitely wasn't prepared to run into a gigantic monster tree almost 10 times my level, else i might've brought more than a wooden sword.

RMagistra: You're funny. Have you joined a guild yet?

Agustd: nah. figured i'd gain some levels first but...yeah, that worked out well

RMagistra: You could join the guild I'm in. If you want? No pressure but the extra rewards are really nice when you're new, so.

Agustd: really? doesn't everyone have to like agree first?

RMagistra: Most guilds don't really care if someone joins, they just exist for the benefits. I haven't even talked to every member myself. So? Want me to invite you?

Yoongi's brain stops working for a moment, he's pretty sure. Because, yeah, a good part of the reason he downloaded this game in the first place was because of the idea that it would help him talk to people in some form, but he didn't think it would be...this easy. It's been maybe 2 hours since he first booted the game up and someone's already inviting him into a guild?

Either way, he has no reason to actually decline the offer, so he agrees and the other player sends him a friend request followed by the guild invitation.

And now that he's sure the mage is done talking to him, they instead propose that they could go back to the city together and Yoongi really has no idea what he did for this person to keep wanting his company. He does, however, appreciate the idea of not having to walk back all on his own, so he finds himself agreeing once again.

RMagistra: Oh also you should have this.

Then, a text pops up asking him whether he wants to accept the healing herb that RMagistra is offering.

Agustd: are you sure?

RMagistra: Of course. It would be a shame if something happened to you after we already defeated a great foe!

Agustd: more like, i struggled for 5 minutes and you got rid of the thing in one shot because you're already way stronger than this supposed great foe. thanks again, though. how should i repay you for all this?

RMagistra: Huh? You don't have to repay me at all! But if you insist, your company will do just fine :)

And that's how he spends the trek back to the city in tow with a mage that is almost suspiciously kind but also kind of fun to chat with on the way. Yoongi gets the opportunity to farm some more experience and hits level 7 by the time they make it back, and his new friend gives him some tips to help in the early game, like buying a pair of boots with the effect of reducing the chance of getting inflicted with poison because the first few areas have a lot of poison enemies that can get really annoying when you don't have access to enough antidotes yet, or something.

So, that's how his evening goes, getting used to the basics of the game all the while he chats with the peculiar elf that came to his rescue. And when they eventually part for the day and Yoongi logs out of the game, he finds that he feels more satisfied by the experience than he expected.

He decides not to dwell on the thought that this may have to do with the kind stranger he met.

When Yoongi starts the game again the next day, he doesn't expect to see RMagistra again, but as soon as he logs in, there's a notification in the chat corner telling him a friend is currently playing. After that, it takes no more than 2 minutes before he gets a message.

RMagistra: Hi Agust :) Fancy seeing you again

Agustd: you make it sound way more eventful to log into a game than it really is, but hello to you too

It's only when he sends the message that he realizes it may come off as kind of mean, considering his sarcasm may not translate that well across a text message to what's basically a stranger, so with a sigh he tries to salvage it by taking inspiration from the other and adding an emoji.

Agustd: :]

RMagistra: Is that a smile I see? Damn, I didn't pin you as the type so far keke

Agustd: you talked to me for an hour and decided i wasn't the type for a smile? are you a psychologist or just psychic?

RMagistra: Neither of those actually but I'll take it as a compliment that I give that impression off to you

Agustd: a compliment on top of a smile? don't push your luck

RMagistra: My psychic senses tell me that sounds more like you, haha

And maybe, just maybe, Yoongi can't really prevent the smile on his face as he keeps bantering with the mage for a while, actually playing the game almost forgotten. Maybe it's a bit embarrassing to admit, but he feels relieved that he can type something he thinks and the other goes along with it in a way that doesn't make Yoongi feel like he has to shape his words into something else just to appeal to the person he's talking to.

He doesn't know a single thing about the person he's talking to, but somehow he feels like that person understands him.

It's absolutely ludicrous.

RMagistra: Have you been to a dungeon yet?

Agustd: am i supposed to know what exactly that is yet?

RMagistra: Well, it's pretty much what it sounds like. They're like extra maps where you go in, fight a bunch of enemies and a boss at the end and get rewards in return. There's one not so far away and you get a pretty good weapon to start with as a reward, so we could go do that? If you want.

And Yoongi wants to ask: Why? Why does this player keep talking to him? Why are they asking him specifically to play together? They get nothing out of it seeing as they're clearly way further into the game than he is, so why?

Agustd: sounds good to me. but what's in it for you?

RMagistra: Me? Hmm, I get to talk to the mysterious, sarcastic rogue, for one. But if that's weird to say, pretend I said that every player gets a reward if you do a dungeon in co-op.

Agustd: i'm mysterious? you say this as if i have more knowledge about you other than that you're psychic apparently

RMagistra: Oh. I guess that's fair. Then would you prefer to keep playing into the mysterious act or may I ask your name?

Agustd: eh, i'm yoongi. 28. he/him.

RMagistra: Oh wow, so you're my Hyung huh? I'm Namjoon. 26. He/him.

Agustd: hope you know how to respect your elders, namjoon-ah

RMagistra: Haha, I'll do my best, Yoongi-hyung. Wanna go fight some snakes?

So that's what they do. RMagistra — Namjoon — leads them to the dungeon he mentioned before and they enter to beat it. Yoongi is still a bit lower level than a lot of the enemies inside the dungeon, but Namjoon helps him out whenever needed and together they make it to the end boss without much trouble.

Their last fight is, indeed, a giant snake and after Yoongi nearly dies to the enemy's poison and Namjoon narrowly saves him with an antidote spell, Yoongi lands the final hit on the reptile and watches in satisfaction as it goes down and evaporates into dust.

As a reward, he receives the scaled sword and quickly realizes the difference it makes as he continues to explore the overworld with Namjoon and finds himself having a much easier time with the enemies already.

And just like that, the days pass.

Most things are still the same; when Yoongi isn't sleeping, he's working. That's sort of his unofficial motto of life, he supposes. Except now, when he gets stuck working on music or just doesn't feel like it, he has something else to do besides glaring at his computer and overthinking until he feels like breaking down and crying himself to sleep or something.

Now, he boots up the game and manages to forget about reality for a few hours most days of the week. It doesn't take long for him to realize that Namjoon apparently doesn't have much to do either because he's online almost every time that Yoongi is. Sometimes Namjoon's already playing and sometimes Yoongi is there first, but either way Yoongi always gets an enthusiastic message shortly after they're both there.

It's nice, he has to admit. Not only does he have something fun to do, he also gets to talk to another human being regularly and, even though it's just chatting with some player in this game, it's already more human interaction than he usually engages in.

He's not particularly proud of that fact, but he just tells himself that it's a step in the right direction. Progress is progress, no matter how small it may seem.

RMagistra: How about we play 20 questions

Agustd: ....it's 3am on a tuesday, Namjoon

RMagistra: So? We're both online anyways which means that either we have the time or we are making bad life choices.

Agustd: if i have the time does that mean you're the one making bad life choices?

RMagistra: That was your first question!

Agustd: that's literally not what i was going for and you know this.

RMagistra: And I'm gonna answer anyway! I do enjoy making bad life choices but right now I actually have the time. My turn, tea or coffee?

Agustd: can't believe you wanted to play some question game just to ask me that but ok. you know how humans are made up of like 60% water? that's me but with coffee

RMagistra: Not surprising considering you're always online in like the middle of the night

Agustd: like you're one to talk

RMagistra: Well....I may or may not be drinking coffee right now, so.

Agustd: sounds about right

RMagistra: You're supposed to ask me a question next, you know?

Agustd: ugh, fine. cats or dogs?

RMagistra: Nvm, I feel like if I answer this 'wrong' you'll never talk to me again....well I like both and my parents have a dog who's the cutest being alive but if I had to choose I would say cats.

Agustd: ....i gave you a trick question and you actually gave me the answer i was looking for

RMagistra: Wait what?

Agustd: everyone always acts like their opinion on this question is the right one and that the other side is in the wrong. it's stupid. cats vs dogs is factually a subjective matter based on personal preference and i can't stand people who act like they're better than others over something trivial as that. society loves to create arbitrary extremes just so that you can say you're different and get the attention when in reality most people are somewhere in between those extremes.

RMagistra: Holy shit, I've never seen you talk this much.

Agustd: we've known each other for like two weeks

RMagistra: Point still stands! You're right though. People act like the world is all black and white when really we're all grey. Right?

Agustd: congrats, you passed the test. though i also think that deep down everyone has their own unique color, it just has to be discovered when they accept that they don't have to be black or white.

RMagistra: What's your color, then?

Agustd: ...ah. actually maybe not everyone has one after all.

RMagistra: For some reason I don't believe that coming from you. If you don't have an answer yet, I'm sure you're gonna discover it soon.

Agustd: maybe so

RMagistra: Will you tell me when you've found your answer?

Yoongi stares at his screen for a while. Their conversations have usually been pretty light-hearted so far, but somehow this question feels...intimate, almost. Yoongi isn't certain he will ever find an answer at all and he's even less certain that Namjoon would still be around if he did.

Yoongi will always remain a murky grey at best and that's why people will never stick around.

It's far from a good day, Yoongi concludes as he's sitting in the dentist chair and letting his mouth be inspected.

It doesn't come as a surprise, really, he already woke up with a queasy feeling of anxiety knowing full well he had a stressful day ahead, but the knowledge only helps marginally when it has to do with a situation he simply has to go through.

He tries to tell himself it's not that big a deal. It's just a routine check, really, something completely ordinary that should take no more than ten minutes until he's out again. It goes well enough at first, the dentist greets him nicely and momentarily Yoongi allows himself to think there's no reason to feel anxious at all. And then—

"We're gonna have to do a filling here," the dentist says nonchalantly, turning to her assistant to give specifics that Yoongi is already tuning out because suddenly all he can think about is how this singular sentence implies so many things. He was so ready to leave this appointment and not have to worry about the dentist for a while but now he's gonna have to come back soon and go through a procedure that, while seeming small, is all kinds of horrifying to even think about for him.

Over the pounding of his heart, he barely registers that the dentist has since removed her tools and is talking to him. "Everything else looks great," she tells him before rolling over to the computer with her chair and checking a few things. "I could offer you an appointment in about a month. How does April 14th sound, same time as today?"

And Yoongi's brain just...draws a blank. Realistically he knows he'll be available that day because he's pretty much available every day thanks to his self-made work schedule, but the words to articulate this bury themselves somewhere so deep inside him that absolutely nothing comes out when he opens his mouth.

He's so occupied by how much he doesn't want to be in this situation, suddenly hyper-aware of how uncomfortable the bright lights feel, almost scrutinizing as he fails to deliver the reply the other person in the room is looking for.

When she doesn't receive an answer in a timely manner, she turns around to face him, something like confusion and what he hopes to god isn't annoyance written on her face. "Excuse me, Sir? If that day doesn't work, we can find another date."

Everything feels so much worse with her eyes on him. He knows she doesn't mean any harm, is just doing her job really, but in that moment it almost feels like he's being threatened and wants nothing more than to just run.

Very unhelpfully, he just shakes his head, causing her to sigh, "So what is it now? I don't have all day."

Yoongi is surprised his stomach can dip even further, but the words that sound even harsher in his head than they really are finally spring him into some action. With shaking hands, he pulls out his phone and opens his notes app, typing a simple april 14th works and holding his phone up for her to see. Her expression turns into even more confusion as she reads the message and then looks back at him again for a moment before lightly shaking her head as she pulls out a note to write the date down on.

He feels horrible. He just knows she must think he's weird because why the hell would he just suddenly refuse to talk to her? It's not something he really gets to control, though. Sometimes, when everything's just a little too much and he feels like he's going to implode, he just...can't speak. It's like a giant dam that builds within seconds and blocks the words from coming out of his brain and he hates when it happens in situations like these because people never understand and are always weirded out by it.

Finally, she hands him the piece of paper and he can leave, quickly bowing and rushing out of the place as fast as he can.

It's hard not to let the self-deprecating thoughts take over as he makes his way back home. He tries to be kinder with himself these days, he really does, but he can't stop thinking about how needlessly difficult he made that whole situation for apparently no reason. The dentist doesn't know that just being in her office makes his anxiety skyrocket and even if she did, she'd probably say he's overreacting. And maybe he is because nothing bad actually happened and he really didn't fucking have to go non-verbal because the dentist wanted to make a new appointment.

This is why he hates going out.

He tries to distract himself by booting up his game, not at all in the mood to focus on music right now, and receives a chat message almost immediately.

RMagistra: You're here earlier than usual!

Agustd: you keep tabs on that?

RMagistra: Well usually you log in around the evening but it's only 4pm so I wasn't expecting you yet

Agustd: yeah i don't feel like working rn soooo here i am

RMagistra: Wait what kinda job do you have if you can just decide you don't want to work? If you're comfortable sharing

Agustd: i'm a music producer. my company lets me work from home so i don't really have a schedule besides meeting deadlines.

RMagistra: NO FUCKING WAY

Agustd: ?

RMagistra: Holy shit that's the coolest thing ever??? Hyung what the hell???

Agustd: oh...most people tend to say shit about how i should get a "proper" job instead, whatever the fuck that means lol

RMagistra: No no no Hyung I'm so serious that's awesome. I like...kinda write songs as a hobby.

Agustd: you fr?

RMagistra: Yes. I kind of wanted to pursue something in music when I was a teen but life didn't really turn out that way, so it's just a hobby now. So I'm just really impressed to have met someone who actually works in that field

Agustd: so what do you work as?

RMagistra: ....I work in media marketing.

Agustd: you can't srsly tell me the guy who asks me philosophical questions like my opinion on solipsism at 3am is a business major. i refuse to believe that.

RMagistra: Hate to break the illusion but it's true. I actually kinda hate my job rn but that's beside the point haha. What I really want to know now is what your fav music genres are to listen to and to work on

Agustd: hm well most of the stuff i do for work is pop music, which is fun in its own way. i like a lot of genres, but i'm most into hip hop.

RMagistra: You've got to be kidding me omg me too?? Who's your favorite artist???

Agustd: epik high and eminem, i refuse to choose between them

RMagistra: Marry me right now I'm so serious you have the perfect taste

Yoongi can't help the giggle he lets out reading Namjoon's message and it surprises even himself. He was having such a shitty day but now, as Namjoon keeps asking him about his music opinions and the two of them find themselves in a steady back and forth about their passions, none of that seems to matter anymore.

It doesn't matter that he gets anxious about too many things, it doesn't matter that he finds it hard to deal with the real world a lot of the time, and it certainly doesn't matter that sometimes he can't bring himself to speak. Here, he just gets to waste away a few hours playing and chatting away with his new friend knowing that someone is listening.

He doesn't even remember the last time someone was genuinely listening to him. Not apart from his therapist, anyway. The naive part of his brain wants to wish it lasts forever.

RMagistra: So why the rogue

Agustd: huh?

RMagistra: Your character. I'm curious as to why you chose the design the way you did

Agustd: uhhh not sure i really thought about it a lot. i guess a lot of the options were very flashy and i prefer not to stand out too much

RMagistra: You don't like a lot of attention on you, do you?

Agustd: am i being psychoanalyzed based on my character choice rn? so you are psychologist after all

RMagistra: And you are proving my point keke

Agustd: ok fine you're right. then what about you? why the elf?

RMagistra: I mostly just didn't want to have a human character. I already have to be a human every day of my regular life, why would I want to be stuck as one in another world? Plus I like magic because it's otherworldly so I chose the elf.

Agustd: hm. so basically i put myself in this fictional world while you take the liberty to change yourself but at the end of the day both boils down to escapism from the real world even if our approaches are pretty much the opposite

RMagistra: ...I couldn't have said it better.

Agustd: then put your fancy magic to use before the goblin gets to us, elf boy

RMagistra: Aye aye boss

Yoongi ends up with a month-long streak of playing the game (and talking to Namjoon) before something gets in the way and he doesn't manage to log in for the next week.

And by something he means that thing where he wakes up in the morning and immediately knows doing anything more than that will be somewhere between incredibly taxing and practically impossible that day. It's just something that happens every once in a while, lasting for a few days or sometimes weeks before slowly tapering off again and returning his sense of normalcy.

His therapist calls them depressive episodes but Yoongi has never liked thinking about these clinical terms too much, so it's just...a thing that he deals with.

Either way, during these times it's already an accomplishment when he gets out of bed, even more so when he actually gets any work done or makes himself something to eat. As a result, booting up a game isn't on his list of priorities for a while. All he really gets done that week is finishing up a song for work and only because the deadline is around the corner and he really doesn't want to get in trouble for not submitting his work on time.

What he doesn't expect during that week is how profoundly the loneliness embraces him. The thing is, Yoongi is pretty much always lonely. It's that one friend that follows him through every period of his life precisely because he's so bad at making and keeping friends. But in the few weeks since he's started playing that game, he's apparently already gotten used to talking to someone nearly every day. It's embarrassing, honestly.

What he expects even less is that, when he does finally find the energy to return to this virtual world, he finds a bunch of messages Namjoon left over the week.

RMagistra: Is it weird to wonder where you are when you've only been gone for three days

RMagistra: Like realistically three days is a perfectly valid amount of time to be offline for but that is three days more than what I'm used to from you so I couldn't help but notice

RMagistra: Not that I expect you to be here all the time I just. Idk

RMagistra: Day 5...the Agustdeprivation is hitting

RMagistra: Haha get it?

RMagistra: My psychic senses tell me you would send me a virtual eyeroll if you were here rn

RMagistra: Sorry this is probably really weird and I should just leave you alone lol

RMagistra: You probably got bored of the game and will never log back in to see this anyways

RMagistra: But I hope you know I was always looking forward to talking to you even if it was only for a few weeks

And Yoongi is...dumbfounded, to say the least. He didn't think Namjoon would even notice that he was gone, or at the very least that he wouldn't care because surely Namjoon has more people to talk to — whether it be in-game or in real life — than Yoongi does. Just because Yoongi found himself sorely missing Namjoon's virtual presence doesn't mean he ever considered the feeling to be mutual.

Agustd: hi, sorry for disappearing. i got really busy with work

Technically, he's not lying. Work was pretty much the only thing he did that week, he's just...omitting some details on the circumstances. Namjoon doesn't need to know that he was mostly just too depressed to function like a human being.

The other player isn't currently online, so Yoongi decides to venture out on his own for the time being. There's a desert area not very far from the starting city that he's been meaning to explore, but the enemies were too strong thus far. Now that he's reached level 25 since the last time he played though, he should be equipped to deal with them, so that's where he goes.

It's about an hour later when Namjoon shows up.

RMagistra: HYUNGGGG

RMagistra: WELCOME BACK

RMagistra: And don't worry, I get it. Can't avoid the adult responsibilities huh. I'm sure you were busy making the next billboard hit

Agustd: that might be a little bit of a stretch lol

Agustd: happy to be welcomed back so warmly though

RMagistra: Hehe always :)

RMagistra: So I was wondering...

RMagistra: Would you be comfortable exchanging phone numbers or something?

RMagistra: You know if one of us is too busy to come online we'd still have a way to communicate

Yoongi can't help the rush of emotions he feels reading this request.

He's surprised, for one, that Namjoon wishes to communicate more with him. People never go out of their way to communicate more with Yoongi than they have to — granted, Yoongi himself usually doesn't do it either — but here Namjoon is, very clearly going out of his way so that they can talk to each other even when they don't happen to be playing at the same time.

It's a feeling he hasn't had in a long time, but it's...nice, somehow.

There's also a part of him that's scared, though. Like he's said to Namjoon before, their silly game is essentially a tool for escapism, something like a break from the shit that the real world throws at you. For Yoongi, it's become a bit of a safe haven, a place where he can temporarily forget about all the stuff that makes life hard nearly every day. When he gets to be his rogue character, it's like none of that matters at all.

And by extend, this means none of it matters when he's talking to Namjoon. Realistically he knows that simply changing their place of communication doesn't mean anything, but a weird part of his brain fears that he's somehow going to...taint Namjoon by bridging that communication in the real world.

Before he can overthink it any further, he decides to agree to Namjoon's proposition because he does want this and he's tired of his own fears stopping him from doing things he wants.

For once, he wants to believe in a good turn of events, so he gives the other his number and waits anxiously after Namjoon says he's going to text him real quick.

No 30 seconds later, he receives a message on his phone from an unknown number. It's a photo of a computer screen showing their characters as they are currently standing next to each other, followed by an "It's Namjoon :)".

So Yoongi replies to the text confirming Namjoon got the right number and then they go back to playing for a while.

It's only later that night, when he's lying in bed wide awake and can't seem to fall asleep, that he starts questioning things again.

After staring at their chat for at least ten minutes, he texts Namjoon about it since that's apparently a thing he can just do now.

Yoongi
are you still awake?

Part of him hopes Namjoon is fast asleep already. It would give him the chance to just delete the message again or dismiss it in the morning if he decides trying to bring this up was a bad idea after all. Namjoon, however, replies almost immediately.

Namjoon
I sure am!
Are you still working?

Yoongi
if staring at the ceiling above my bed counts then boy i should get a raise for my hard work

Namjoon
That sounds fair as well lol
Something up?

Yoongi
i have a question for you
but it's kinda weird maybe

Namjoon
Probably not weirder than me rambling to you about the concept of ethical cannibalism
Ask away though, I'm always down for late-night interrogations

Yoongi
you're literally so unserious

Namjoon
Does it help you feel less nervous about wanting to ask a "weird" question

Yoongi
....maybe.

Namjoon
^__^

Yoongi
it's just...why me? like you helped me out once and then you just kept talking to me even though you aren't getting anything out of it and now we're here. not that i complain, i'm just...confused idk

Namjoon
Who says I get nothing out of talking to you?

Yoongi
like...with our level difference it's not like i could help you progress. but you still kept playing with me and now you even asked for my number

Namjoon
Is it wrong to want to just talk to you?

Yoongi
i mean...i guess not
it's just not something i'm used to
and i figured there wasn't really a reason for you to talk to me when you could talk to other people instead idk

Namjoon
Dumbass you're funny and smart how tf is that not enough reason to talk to you???

Yoongi
what now? am i smart or a dumbass? pick a side

Namjoon
You can be both, as a treat
On an honest note though
I genuinely enjoy talking to you
And believe it or not, I don't really have a lot of people to talk to, especially not in game

Yoongi
wait what
but you're like...you were so open even when we just met i thought someone like you talked to a lot of people

Namjoon
Well it's true that I tried to talk to people a lot...but most of them stop talking to me after a while because they think I say weird shit. They don't usually listen to my philosophical overthinking midnight rants the way you do

Yoongi
oh...i guess it was presumptuous to just assume things like that. my bad
honestly their loss though. debating the ethics of cannibalism sounds like a perfectly enjoyable use of one's time if you ask me

Namjoon
And that's why I like you. You genuinely listen to the things I have to say and follow up with your own thoughts whether we agree or not. It's rare to find someone like you.

At this point, Yoongi blanks. He doesn't think he's done anything that would even remotely warrant Namjoon speaking about him like...this. Like he's important. Like he's worth something. But through this entire conversation, it becomes impossible for Yoongi to deny that Namjoon finds some kind of merit in their conversations.

It shouldn't make him feel as thrilled as it does.

Namjoon
Sorry was that too much?

The message comes in when Yoongi forgets to muster up a reply within a timely manner, and then he's scrambling for a reply.

Yoongi
oh no not at all
i was just...surprised
as you can probably tell people don't usually say stuff like that to me very often
or stuff in general lol
but thank you
i'm glad i met you

Namjoon
Oh
Me too
:)

Yoongi
:]

Yoongi quickly learns that Namjoon not only has a knack for sending him random messages at random times of the day but also specifically for sending him pictures of random things he's taken.

Namjoon
[im]
Look at this cat that I came across
Reminds me of you

Yoongi
excuse me?

Namjoon
You're like a cat Hyung

Yoongi
...how so

Namjoon
Grumpy
Sassy
Sleepy
Cute
Should I go on?

Yoongi
that'll be enough thank you
if i have to be a cat you're more like. a puppy

Namjoon
Because I'm so sweet and lovely and amazing and irresistible? Yeah that's what I thought

Yoongi
now when did i say all that

Namjoon
Don't worry Hyung, I know that's what you meant
I speak cat ;)

Yoongi
right
well if it makes you feel better then sure

Namjoon
Hehe ^__^

Namjoon
[im]
The sunset is so pretty today
Work was very much not pretty but we count the small wins

Yoongi
wanna play today? better than having to think about work

Namjoon
Ofc :)
Thanks Hyung

Yoongi
anytime joon

Yoongi
hey joon
i have a weird request

Namjoon
What's up?

Yoongi
you said you write songs right

Namjoon
Uhhh yeah kinda why

Yoongi
i made this melody and i rlly like it but i just can't figure out what i wanna write about and it's driving me crazy
so i was wondering if you would wanna listen to it and see if you had some ideas
you don't have to do it i just thought i'd ask

Namjoon
Holy shit Hyung
You want ME to help YOU with a song???

Yoongi
i mean...yeah
it's a personal project but i don't wanna just scrap it yet

Namjoon
I would be so honored what the hell
But I can't promise I'll be of any help
Just because I write lyrics doesn't mean they're any good

Yoongi
it's fine namjoon there's no pressure
though i have a feeling you're better than you give yourself credit for

Namjoon
Debatable
I'd love to have a listen though

And so, Yoongi sends him the file, which is soon followed by a string of excited compliments that he hardly knows how to reply to because when was the last time someone genuinely complimented his music? His tracks being approved by the company just doesn't have the same effect.

A few hours later, once the sun has gone done, Namjoon returns and he brings several ideas. There are some rough concepts and even some concrete lyrics.

Yoongi is, honestly, impressed. He'd asked Namjoon because he felt like the other often had a similar yet still unique perspective of things compared to Yoongi, and he definitely wasn't disappointed. Not only were Namjoon's ideas largely congruent with the sort of concepts Yoongi was fond of, he also clearly had a talent for writing.

Yoongi
these are amazing joon what the hell
i love the third idea, those lyrics are like exactly the kinda stuff i was looking for
hold on i have an idea
i would add a verse in between the first and the second part to break the lyrical theme up a bit and enhance the flow
...now i'm rambling
but this is. amazing
would you be okay with me using these? i'd credit you of course

Namjoon
You...want to use my lyrics? For your song? Seriously??

Yoongi
i would love to but I understand if you say no

Namjoon
No I mean you can totally use them I just...can't believe you would want to

Yoongi
namjoon you're genuinely talented + your ideas fit my vision so of course i would want that

Namjoon
Oh...okay then
Do you release your songs anywhere? The stuff you don't do for work I mean

Yoongi
sometimes yeah
if i like them enough i'll upload them to my soundcloud
by which i mean usually like 1 out of maybe 40 songs

Namjoon
Damn you make a lot of songs huh?

Yoongi
i am never not making music really so yeah

Namjoon
That's so cool
Honestly I wish I could do more with music
You know, instead of having the most insufferable job you could think of

Yoongi
maybe that's a stretch but i could probably help you out if you ever think about switching up your career
we could work on some songs together if you want
and if i hear about an open position for a songwriter or something i could forward it to you. no harm in applying right

Namjoon
You're not serious are you

Yoongi
of course i am? clearly you have the potential so why not
better than being stuck in a job you hate forever
ah. sorry that was probably pretty insensitive to say

Namjoon
Nah you're right
It would be nice, I just don't know if it's really possible...but I'll think about it
Thank you for offering help Hyung
And for liking my lyrics

Yoongi
pfff you don't have to thank me for that
i'll keep you updated on the song btw
thank you for agreeing to my request

Namjoon
Can I ask what your sc is? I'd love to listen to some of your stuff

Yoongi
would you believe me if i told you the account is just called agustd

Namjoon
...Oh
Yeah I guess that makes sense
I'll give it a listen soon!

Yoongi
don't get your hopes up in case I'm actually trash kekeke

Namjoon
Hyung what the fuck
Your songs are amazing are you kidding me
And you had the audacity to act like you were anything below So Talented That It's Annoying...I can't believe you
I'm almost jealous

Yoongi
are you trying to stroke my ego? because it's working

Namjoon
Yeah we know you're so cool and smart and sexy and talented no need to rub it in our faces
Seriously though
You're like...really good
It's hard to believe someone like you wants to use the lyrics of someone like me

Yoongi
you're underestimating yourself
but thank you, really. means a lot to hear from you
i'll do my best to make a song you'll enjoy as well

Namjoon
[im]
So I made a new friend today :)

Yoongi
namjoon that's a crab
how the hell do you just find a crab on a random tuesday afternoon

Namjoon
Idk it was just sitting there on the side of the road
It crawled on my finger when I held my hand out it was so cute :))

Yoongi
r u like a disney princess
attracting random animals and all

Namjoon
Nooo you've found out my super mega big secret!
It's true...I'm a princess after all
Need me a knight in shining armor at my side

Yoongi
didn't pin you as the type to feed into the stereotypical gender roles rooted in misogyny

Namjoon
....And you're right I don't support them but you were supposed to play along with the joke and pretend to be my knight

Yoongi
what if i'm gay and don't want a princess

Namjoon
As a man, I would let myself be called princess tbh

Yoongi
ok princess
then i'll be your gay knight

Namjoon
We're the new malewife and girlboss
Maleprincess and gayknight

Yoongi
why do i have to be the knight anyway
i'm too small and delicate and sleepy to be a knight

Namjoon
Well you complained about stereotypes so you can just be the sleepy knight and I'll be the super cool awesome amazing badass princess

Yoongi
you're making no sense. i'm in

Yoongi
uhm hey
are you free rn

Namjoon
Pretty much yeah, what's up?

Yoongi
can you like...talk to me
about anything idc

Namjoon
Oh of course
I have to tell you about this coworker of mine
He's the absolute WORST
Our offices are next to each other so unfortunately I run into him more often than I would like
And for some reason he Hates my guts I'm so srs and I don't even know why
I mean you know me right I am a saint on earth (you have to agree, it's part of your job as a knight)
I'm pretty sure he's mad at me because I got promoted before him even though I came to the company after him
But like how is that my fault right?? I just do my thing and I can't control who HR wants to promote and shit
I always do my best to be nice to my coworkers too cuz like nobody needs unnecessary negativity right
So yeah anyway now he does his best to annoy me whenever he can but in a way where he can't get in trouble for it
That one time I was on the way to the printer and he was clearly just going back to his office
No 30 seconds later he suddenly rushes past me with a stack of papers and gets to the printer before me to copy this giant stack
Which not only made me wait forever but he also used up all the paper and then pissed off so I had to be the one to get a refill
Like who does that????
At first it was funny but now it's just annoying really
I heard he might transfer to another unit soon and tbh I hope it's true
Anyway are you still here?
Yoongi?
Text me when you can ok? Take care

Yoongi
i'm back my bad

Namjoon
Hey, are you ok?

Yoongi
uhm yeah
it's stupid i just got stressed over a dentist appointment and needed a distraction
but it's fine now i got it over with

Namjoon
That's not stupid at all, dentists suck
I'm glad if you feel better though :)

Yoongi
thanks
you should get revenge on your coworker

Namjoon
I don't want to cause more tension tho :/

Yoongi
fair i guess
i'll get revenge for you
you know, fulfill my knight duties once in a while

Namjoon
That would be funny
I'll be home in like 30 mins if u wanna hop online later?

Yoongi
sure thing

Everything is going great at first. Like almost every day at this point, he's texting Namjoon, the other currently on lunch break as they talk about everything and nothing. It's already become familiar, a sort of routine that makes Yoongi expect a text at certain times of the day — typically during lunchtime, then again around 5 pm and throughout the rest of the evening.

Today is much the same, and then—

Namjoon
Omg wait
We should totally call sometime
That would be sick

All of a sudden, Yoongi wants to evaporate into thin air, heart dropping his stomach. Because what does he even say to that?

He can't say yes even if he wanted to. (The worst part is, he does want to.)

The fear is near instantaneous and Yoongi thinks it's stupid. It's just a request for a simple phone call from a friend, nothing more than that.

And yet...it's not that simple.

Yoongi
oh that sounds fun but
i...i'm not sure i'm comfortable with that

Namjoon
Oh
No that's fair
I understand

Yoongi
i'm sorry

Namjoon
No No it's okay
It was just a silly idea
So don't worry about it ok?

Yoongi
ok

With that, Yoongi throws his phone on the table and groans into his hands.

He tries not to overthink it, tries to tell himself it's not that big of a deal and that surely it really is okay like Namjoon said but the other doesn't text him again for the rest of the day and Yoongi is starting to have the sneaking suspicion that he's messed up with the one person he talks to on the regular.

Sometimes he really hates himself, and sometimes is more often than he'd like to admit.

Yoongi has been staring at his chat with Namjoon for at least half an hour now, the messages from the day prior still glaring back at him unchanged.

Admittedly, he's spent most of the night debating on whether he should bring the topic up again and be honest about why he replied the way he did or stay on the safe side and just bury it and hope things will somehow turn out fine that way.

It's always like this, Yoongi in a constant battle between happiness and safety, as if he's somehow the only person who has to trade one for the other as if they're mutually exclusive.

He's so, so sick of hiding away in his safety just because it's the easier option, the one that means he won't have to confront his fear.

Yoongi
hey
can we talk about something?

Namjoon
Sure :) What's up?

Yoongi
it's about yesterday
uhm
i wanted to explain why i said that

Namjoon
You don't have to explain anything!! I promise it's really fine I don't mind

Yoongi
no i want to
i mean i'm scared lowkey but i want to
so please listen?

Namjoon
Okay, of course

At this point, he can't talk himself out of doing it anymore. He's already told Namjoon he'll do it and the other is expecting to hear it, so there's no backing out now.

So, despite the anxiety already coiling in his stomach, he takes a deep breath and begins his long-winded explanation.

Yoongi
this is gonna be a lot but the thing is uh. i've dealt with depression, social anxiety and some other stuff for about a decade and uh...when I get overwhelmed/stressed/whatever I go non-verbal. like, I just...can't speak sometimes. or a lot of the time. and it's not like this was important yet cuz we just text but you know...calls are a bit different. so it's not that i don't want to speak to you over the phone but moreso that i'm scared i might not be able to say much, or anything for that matter. it doesn't even have anything to do with you, it's just...me. being like that. and well people don't really react well when this stuff happens, they just think i'm being weird or overdramatic and that i need to stop "pretending" as if it's something i can control. so. uh. yeah. i'm sorry if i came off as dismissive or something. and if you don't want to talk to me after this i get it too. that's all

Namjoon
Oh Hyung
First of all I definitely don't think you're weird or whatever those people can go to hell
And there's no reason as to why I wouldn't want to talk to you now
I'm sorry for putting you in an uncomfortable situation or making you feel like you had to explain yourself. That definitely wasn't my intention
We don't ever have to call or anything like that, I would never want to make you uncomfortable

Yoongi
what if i want to? talk to you like that?

Namjoon
You do?

Yoongi
yeah
i thought about it
i'm scared but mostly of...i don't know, driving you away somehow because i'm not. what society deems as "normal"

Namjoon
Well you're lucky because I'm not society and I don't give a shit about what's considered normal and what isn't
Really though, if it's something you would want to do then I would be honored
Can I propose some ideas

Yoongi
sure?

Namjoon
We could call while we play, how about that? That way we have something to focus on that isn't just the call itself
And if you feel uncomfortable you can just hang up at any moment and I promise I won't hold it against you ever. Or if you find it hard to speak you could type whatever you wanna say in the chat like usual
I don't know if any of this is helpful but idk those are some thoughts I had

Yoongi
namjoon...that's more than helpful
what the fuck is wrong with you why are you so. so. so. good.
you were supposed to tell me i'm a freak and never speak to me again like most people do
but no instead you're being the most considerate fucking person on earth and now i don't know what to say

Namjoon
Well, I won't apologize because I'm not exactly sorry about subverting your expectations that you deserve to be treated unfairly.

Yoongi
you're gonna make me cry asshole
...on a serious note, thank you so much for listening to me and for not being a prick
your idea sounds really nice
so uhm. yeah i want to try it

Namjoon
I'm glad to hear that Hyung :)

Yoongi
are you free tonight?

Namjoon
Uhhh yesss I get home at 6

Yoongi
can we do it today?

Namjoon
Woah that's soon
If you're sure then yes of course we can

Yoongi
honestly i'm not totally sure but if i don't commit to it now i'm gonna run away from it again
and i don't want to run away from every good opportunity for something just because i'm scared
what they say. if you're scared, then do it scared right?

Namjoon
Oh wow
You know that's really admirable right?

Yoongi
what? being scared of shit all the time?

Namjoon
That's not what I mean
A lot of people run away from the things they're scared of all their life
It takes a lot of courage to face something despite that
I find that admirable

Yoongi
we're talking about a simple phone call
something people usually aren't scared of you know

Namjoon
What does it matter? I'm terrified of spiders and I always have to call one of my friends to get rid of them even though there's no actual reason for me to be scared of a tiny house spider that can't hurt me. Would you invalidate my feelings over that? I honestly really doubt it

Yoongi
well no i wouldn't

Namjoon
So don't invalidate your own feelings alright?

Yoongi
pff fine
i'll try

Namjoon
Good :)
Well I gotta go but I'll see you later yeah?

Yoongi
yeah sounds good
thank you again :]

Namjoon
:)

In all honesty, the conversation leaves him with an array of emotions. There's relief and something a little bit like happiness, but the anxiety isn't exactly eradicated and the whole situation feels a tad overwhelming.

If he cries about it for a while, that's nobody's business but his own.

And after that, he goes back to working on music. He's been tampering with the song using Namjoon's lyrics, going off the theme to fill in the chorus and the middle verse. He'd debated adding lyrics to the intro as well but ultimately decided against it because he thought Namjoon's first verse was the perfect lyrical opener.

It's just the outro left but somehow he hasn't been able to come up with the right lyrics to wrap everything else up neatly and offer the conclusion he's looking for.

Now, he has an idea however and suddenly he can't believe he hasn't thought of it before — a sort of epiphany that strikes him like lightning. It feels a bit silly to frame like that, but it's like his conversation with Namjoon gave him the inspiration he needed to approach the song from a new angle. Instead of fruitlessly trying to find the right lyrics for what he currently has, he goes back into the melody itself and reworks it a little bit to better suit the kind of outro he's envisioning.

From there, everything starts coming together slowly and he ends up spending the next few hours tweaking the song until it finally feels right.

By the time he's satisfied with his progress, it's already well into the evening and his phone lights up with a new text from Namjoon.

Namjoon
I'm home now! I'll grab something to eat real quick and then I'm free if you're still down for tonight :)

Yoongi
sounds good

No longer able to distract himself with music, it means now is his time to freak out ever so slightly and question what his past self from a few hours ago thought getting him into this.

There's no reason to be scared. He knows this. And he's doing this because he wants to do it. He also knows this. It doesn't really change the way his heart beats against his chest, the familiar anxiety crawling over his chest and making him feel nauseous.

Still, he doesn't back down. When Namjoon returns, he assures that he's ready and they both log into the game before setting up the call.

Yoongi is the one who ends up pressing the call button and it barely has the chance to ring once before the call connects and Yoongi is sure his heart stops with it.

"Hey," another voice comes through the speaker, deep yet oddly soothing in a way he couldn't describe if he tried.

There's a moment of silence after that and it feels a little bit like the whole world is holding its breath, waiting for him to respond.

Doubt tries to creep up on him for a few milliseconds at best before he clears his throat and blurts, "Hi."

The quiet after that feels even more profound somehow, like that big exhale of relief that comes after holding your breath for too long.

And before Namjoon can even say anything else, Yoongi adds, "How was work?"

"Oh! Ugh, you got no idea. My coworker was being a pain in the ass again, it's getting ridiculous at this point."

"Ah, printer asshole?"

"You know it. Remember how I said he might get transferred? Well clearly that hasn't happened and it isn't helping my already miserable work life. Ah— Anyway, I'm already complaining! In any case, I'm glad I get to spend some time with you now."

That brings him out of his stupor a little, reminding him of the situation they're in and suddenly he's not sure what to say.

"Uhm, likewise," he returns, cringing at himself for how awkwardly it comes across.

Namjoon doesn't bring any of that up, though, which Yoongi is grateful for. Instead, he asks, "Have you done any of the weekly missions yet?"

"Not yet...I kinda need to farm some Jade though?"

"Oh that's perfect! I need to get some minerals in the mountains anyway so we can combine all of that."

"Cool," Yoongi agrees easily, so that's what they do. In a way, it's like any other day they play together, with the small difference that instead of communicating through the chat function, they're talking over the phone instead.

Which is far from a small difference for Yoongi, but it somehow still works out rather seamlessly. He's still hesitant at first and also generally not someone who talks a lot without reason, but it gets a little easier with each minute and Namjoon takes all of it in stride.

In hindsight it may seem a little dramatic that Yoongi was so worried about this in the first place, but years of not being understood have made him wary.

"I've been working on the song with your lyrics," Yoongi offers eventually, "I finished the lyrics and reworked the melody a bit. I gotta record the vocals sometime soon and then I'll show you...if you want, I mean."

"You really kept my lyrics?" Namjoon asks in return and suddenly he's the one who sounds awfully unsure, a noticeable contrast to how relaxed he's come across thus far.

Yoongi huffs at the question, "I told you they were good. You'll see how well they fit, trust Hyung, yeah?"

"Okay, yeah. I trust you, Hyung," the other replies, pulling a smile from him.

They keep going like that for a while and Yoongi pretty much forgets the time until Namjoon lets out a long yawn, prompting him to check the clock and realize that it's already past 11 pm, meaning they've been at it for around four hours.

"Tired?" Yoongi asks half-teasing and half-serious, to which Namjoon hums.

"Kinda. I should probably go to bed soon, gotta get up early tomorrow."

"Well, I'm not gonna keep my princess from his beauty sleep, so you should go."

"Ah, thank you, my knight. I'll talk to you later?"

"For sure. Night, Joon-ah."

"Goodnight, Yoongi-hyung."

And with that, the call ends.

Yoongi feels...a lot of things. Beat, mostly, but in the most satisfied way possible. Despite being afraid, he didn't let that stop him and took the chance to get something he wanted and, in the end, everything turned out more than okay.

These are the kind of moments he tries to hold on to and cherish.

When he wakes up the next day, he finds Namjoon has already texted him, drawing an immediate smile from him.

Namjoon
Morning Hyung :)
Was yesterday alright?
Personally I had a lot of fun!

Yoongi
me too, it was great
thank you for being understanding
i hope i didn't seem too awkward

Namjoon
Hyunggggg don't worry about stuff like that
I told you I had fun! And I'm happy you felt comfortable talking to me in the first place :)

Yoongi
we should do that again
if you want to

Namjoon
Yesss I'd love to!!!
I'm always down

Yoongi
cool
have a good day at work btw :]

Namjoon
You too! :)

Sometimes Yoongi feels like life is a sick joke purposely trying to fuck with him. For every good thing that happens, there's bound to be a pitfall he didn't see coming, plunging him into a hole filled with a darkness that is ever so familiar to him.

It's no different now, and maybe he should have already expected it— After the successful phone call with Namjoon and how much progress he's been making working on a few songs, it's almost no surprise that the darkness has crept up on him again, which is ironic in itself.

Everything feels heavy because he's tired and he's so tired of how heavy everything feels.

He tries not to listen to the ugly voice in his head, the one that tells him nothing is worth it because it'll always be like this, but it's hard. Because fighting that voice takes effort, which, frankly, he doesn't have to offer.

So instead, he lets the voice trap him like it's the strings to his puppet and curls up with the darkness as his closest companion.

It goes on like that for a while, though he's not sure how long. It could be a few hours, maybe even days, he doesn't bother checking the time and the curtains stay shut.

Part of him knows he should at least try to combat this darkness, try to crawl out of that hole and shut up that ugly voice.

It comes as more of an impulse, eventually.

When he finds himself in a string of negative thoughts that scare even himself, he finally grabs hold of his phone. His therapist often tells him how important it is not to isolate but to seek company instead during times likes these, which is easier said than done when you're someone like Yoongi who doesn't really have anyone he's close to.

Or didn't have, he supposes, staring at the messages Namjoon left him that he hasn't been checking. They're mostly random things, the usual pictures Namjoon sends of things he finds interesting, or rambles and impressions throughout his day.

Yoongi still doesn't know why Namjoon chooses to come to him with all this stuff — it's not like Yoongi has a lot of groundbreaking insights to offer in return — but he appreciates it more than he can say. There's something inherently comforting about the consistent texts, even if he couldn't pinpoint what it is exactly. Maybe it's the idea that someone is thinking about him, or the fact that he gets more impressions from beyond his four walls.

Or maybe it's just the fact that Namjoon is a great person and that Yoongi likes him. Who knows.

Whatever it is, it makes him think about texting Namjoon, which already says a lot in itself. He doesn't consider it very likely that he would get a response seeing as it's almost 4 am as his phone tells him, but it's not like he has many other options.

Yoongi
hey
are you still awake

Namjoon
I sure am!
What's up?

Well, so much for that. While he technically texted Namjoon so that he could talk to the other, he didn't exactly prepare for what to say now that he's actually confronted with that situation.

What is up? Not much, he thinks, apart from the fact that he wants to disappear into thin air. He can't say that, though. Or shouldn't, he's not really sure.

Yoongi
uh
i don't know actually
sorry

Namjoon
Hey it's okay
Is something wrong?

Yoongi
kinda....i mean yeah
my head's a mess and i thought maybe talking to someone would help
but in hindsight it's stupid cuz it's 4am and you definitely have better things to do than deal with my sorry ass

Namjoon
Hey don't say that, your "sorry ass" is important to me
And I'm really not doing anything rn so I would be more than happy to talk to you

Yoongi
oh
okay

Namjoon
Do you want to talk about what's going on or do you need a distraction?

Yoongi
uh...distraction i think
if that's ok
sorry again

Namjoon
Hush, of course that's okay
You know I never run out of things to ramble about
Do you want to call maybe? No pressure either way

That makes him stop and consider again. He does find Namjoon's voice comforting to listen to, but...

Yoongi
i'd like to hear your voice
but i don't think i can talk right now

Namjoon
That's totally fine :) You could text me while I talk, or just listen if that's easier

Yoongi
are you sure?

Namjoon
Very sure, I really don't mind
Trust me ok?

The offer is tempting. Yoongi kind of really, really needs this but at the same time he would be exposing the kind of vulnerability to someone he's never shown willingly. And he knows Namjoon is never not kind and understanding, but still...this is different. Unknown.

Scary, as it seems most things are.

He's sick and tired of it.

If only he disappeared, there wouldn't be anything to be scared of anymore.

It's that thought that spurs him into his reply.

Yoongi
okay

Once he hits send, it's basically instant that Namjoon's caller ID pops up on his screen and he doesn't hesitate long before accepting.

"Hey," Namjoon's voice comes through the speaker again, and he finds it as soothing as he did the first time. "Can you hear me well?"

Automatically, he curls further into his blanket, switching back to their texts and typing out a quick confirmation.

Namjoon is satisfied with that and wastes no time delving into whatever he can think of. Occasionally, Yoongi texts him something when he manages to catch a tangible thought and form it into words, but mostly he just listens to Namjoon talk.

And it helps, to have something that he can redirect his attention to while also making him feel like he's not alone. As long as he can absorb Namjoon's words, there's no room for the voice inside of him to speak up.

Like an antidote to poison, he muses briefly.

Admittedly, when exhaustion catches up to him, he eventually tunes out the very details of Namjoon's words, but not in a bad way. If anything, it's the comfort of Namjoon's voice that gives him a semblance of peace that allows him to drift off ever so slowly.

It's with the help of Namjoon's presence that he finally manages to slip into a somewhat peaceful sleep.

The following days get easier little by little. He doesn't feel better in an instant, it never works like that, but slowly he regains more strength to pull himself out of this rut.

Namjoon frequently checks in on him but never in a way that feels condescending, which is sweet, and Yoongi can't deny that the support is encouraging.

As a result, they go back to talking pretty much every day, not rarely over the phone too, and Yoongi is surprised how much of a normal this is becoming for them, even on days when the ability to speak is rather elusive to him.

"Shit, did you see that crit damage? That was higher than what any of my weapons can do!" Namjoon exclaims, voice crackling slightly as it comes through the speaker.

Yoongi hums with amusement, then types out a reply.

Agustd: the beauties of meele weapons, you wouldn't know how it feels

There's only a second before Namjoon huffs, feigning offense, "I'll keep that in mind for the next time you get frozen by an ice dragon because you don't have enough magic to get rid of it fast enough."

Agustd: aren't you supposed to be my super cool and amazing and badass princess? would be pretty rude if you didn't do your duty and save me from it

"If you ask very nicely, I might consider it," Namjoon teases back and it's moments like these that Yoongi appreciates.

No matter how they communicate, there's never any judgment involved, not a hint of annoyance or disappointment dripping into Namjoon's voice as he would have expected based on past experiences. No, Namjoon is compassionate to a fault and, just like that, it becomes completely normal that the kind of bond they share is by no means restricted just because their ways of talking to each other may be slightly different from the usual.

Yoongi
so i finished our song

He sends that text sometime in the middle of the night, attaching the song file with it. Namjoon must already be asleep, so he decides to call it a day and do the same.

Namjoon
Holy shit no way
It sounds amazing
I know I've said this before but you're so talented it's kinda crazy

Yoongi
you've got yourself to thank for this as well
i probably wouldn't have finished it without you, so

Namjoon
You changed the outro, I like it
It sounds...hopeful

Yoongi
yeah i changed it because i thought it would fit your part better

Namjoon
Oh
Wow
Are you going to post the song?

Yoongi
i would, but only if you're comfortable with that

Namjoon
Honestly I'd be honored if anything

Yoongi
you're way too humble
what name do you want to be credited under? some kind of alias or just your name?

Namjoon
Uhm...RM if possible?

Yoongi
ah, of course. should've seen it coming
your wish is my command, princess

Namjoon
Thank you :)

Yoongi keeps up with the comments under the new song in the following days. He's not exactly a big artist by any means, but there's a decent amount of people that tune in for his songs and some of the usernames in the comments he always recognizes.

The feedback is all around positive so far, and Yoongi is satisfied the new track seems to come across the way it's intended. It's moments like these that make him the happiest — the idea that someone out there understands him, or feels understood by him in return, all because of the art he's created.

There are some comments pointing out the fact that someone else is credited as well, people theorizing who that person could be all the while praising the lyrics.

As it turns out, Yoongi isn't the only one checking what people have to say.

Namjoon
I keep looking at the comments under the song
I can't believe people are actually pointing out my name

Yoongi
well i don't work with other people for my own songs often so it stands out

Namjoon
Then...why me?

Yoongi
i already told you
because i trusted you to understand what i was going for, duh
it's not that i don't enjoy working with other people, it's just not that easy to find someone who thinks a little bit like i do while still seeing things in a new perspective
didn't you tell me something like that once yourself?

Namjoon
I guess I did...
I'm just really uhm...overwhelmed in a sense? But in a good way? Idk I only wrote a few lines this is still your song but seeing people talk about it like this...it feels nice
Is that weird?

Yoongi
of course it's not weird. it is nice, that's what it's about

Namjoon
I just...i wish i could have this more
i wish i could just do this
instead of...yeah

Yoongi
you still could, you know
it's never really too late for that

Namjoon
I wish
But in any case, thank you again for having me
It really does make me feel giddy

Yoongi
anytime, namjoon

They've been playing for a while, talking about everything and nothing in the process, when Namjoon clears his throat, then pauses, hesitating.

"I uh...I've been trying to write more lately," he admits, almost as if it's some kind of crime. "But I'm not sure any of it is any good."

"I mean, whether it's good or not is subjective, isn't it? I would argue that, as soon as it's something you felt like you had to — or wanted to — write, it's automatically worth being written," Yoongi reasons in return, to which the other chuckles.

"You seem to know just what to say, really."

"Courtesy of having to convince myself of these things so I wouldn't throw in the towel myself," he offers with a shrug, "thoughts like that are inevitable as an artist but you get used to them and learn not to listen to 'em. At least most of the time."

"Most of the time," Namjoon echoes.

"I think about wanting to quit music at least once a week, so, yeah."

"Ah, very comforting," Namjoon says with an amused laugh, which drags a smile out of Yoongi in return.

"Well, if you ever want to share some of your stuff, you always know where to find me. Maybe it could help when you're feeling unsure."

"I'd love that," he agrees sheepishly, so that's what he ends up doing.

A few hours later, Namjoon texts him some of his writing, explaining his thought process a little while also pointing out the places he got stuck or felt uncertain about. Much like how Namjoon had helped him out before, Yoongi pays careful attention to what he's being offered and takes some time organizing his own thoughts.

From there, it turns into a steady back and forth, exchanging ideas they keep building up on into the wee hours of the night.

And soon, this turns into something rather regular for them. They keep exchanging bits and pieces of music, sometimes to get an opinion and other times just for the heck of it, but it always feels rewarding.

It feels a little bit like "Hey, here's a part of my soul" and "Don't worry, I'll do my best to take good care of it", and that is worth more than Yoongi can put into words, really.

Namjoon
Heyyy I know we usually call fridays but my therapist appointment got moved up so I won't be available :( Just so you know

Yoongi
that's fine don't worry! we can catch up another day :]
wait
your therapist?

Namjoon
Oh. Yeah I go to counselling for my GAD

Yoongi
i had no idea
not that you have to tell me or anything just. you know

Namjoon
I guess I just didn't really find a moment to bring it up yet
It's still a bit new for me myself since I only got diagnosed last year

Yoongi
Ohh i see
yeah the first while after that is kinda scary i get that

Namjoon
Yuppp we're still trying to figure out the right meds so that's that
It's manageable though
And I'm glad I got the diagnosis

Yoongi
yeah?

Namjoon
Yeah I mean...it was good for me to find out what's wrong with me lol if that makes sense? I was always led to believe that it's just...normal to worry about everything excessively all the time so for the longest time I didn't get to question my way of living but at the same time...I still somehow knew that Something was wrong...so getting that diagnosis helped a lot

Yoongi
no yeah that definitely makes sense

Namjoon
What was it like for you? If you're willing to share

Yoongi
ahh well it's been a long time...i got my diagnoses when i was 16 so sometimes it feels like i don't even remember what my life was like before
i guess before that i also didn't really realize something was wrong with me, at least not in a way that could be an actual medical diagnosis

Namjoon
That's fair, I didn't even know GAD was a thing like that until I took a class on clinical psych in college
So like..how did you end up getting diagnosed then?

Yoongi
...how blunt do you want me to be about that

Namjoon
Uhmm as blunt as you're comfortable with? I don't mind

Yoongi
well i tried to kill myself when i was 16
which made my parents realize that there might be something wrong with me. so i ended up at a therapist

Namjoon
Oh
Shit I'm sorry I didn't like..want to pry too much

Yoongi
it's okay, that was a long time ago
i'm much better now, i promise
i still get my low periods but they're not bad to that degree anymore and i do my best to keep it that way. yk go to therapy, take my meds, practice self-care or whatever the fuck, all that jazz

Namjoon
That's good
I'm glad to hear that
I'm proud of you, Hyung

Yoongi
huh...what?

Namjoon
I'm proud of you. For doing your best to get better even if it was hard
You're doing great, has anyone told you that lately?

Yoongi
i...well
no

Namjoon
Then you had to hear it. I think I've said that before, but I think you're admirable
And you're not allowed to disagree with that because that would be the opposite of practicing self-care!

Yoongi
...you got me there
thank you though. it means a lot to hear that
and you know if you ever need something i'm always here ok?

Namjoon
Thank you Hyung :)
You already help a lot actually
Remember how you once said something about the game being like escapism? You weren't wrong
I started playing this game mostly so that it would give me something productive to think about
It helps. And so does talking to you

Yoongi
oh
i didn't expect that
but i'm glad if i can help
still, the offer is always open

Namjoon
Likewise Hyung :)

Yoongi
:]

"You're not gonna believe what happened," Namjoon exclaims as they hop on to do some rather tedious farming for materials.

Yoongi replies with a questioning hum, not quite sure how much he trusts his voice today.

As usual, the other doesn't mind. "I'm finally fucking free from my asshole coworker! He got moved to a different position on the other side of the city so I won't have to see him anymore, like, at all."

"Took long enough," he mumbles in response, no bite behind his words but Namjoon chuckles at them anyway.

"I'm saying! Rumor has it he actually got demoted but I don't know for certain...and, you know, I'm not saying he deserves it because that would spread unnecessary negative energy that nobody profits from and I ain't about all that, but like...I'm also not saying I'm mad either way."

"You're better than me. He definitely deserves it," Yoongi deadpans with a flat tone, and Namjoon just laughs even harder.

It's nice, Namjoon's laugh. He thinks he could listen to it for hours and not get bored of it.

"Thank you for saying it for me because I'm not going to deny your statement. Which technically doesn't make me any better than you but I can definitely live with that."

There's a long pause after that, but not in a way that feels uncomfortable. That's another thing he appreciates with Namjoon — they can exist together even in bouts of silence and Yoongi never feels any kind of pressure to come up with something to say because sometimes there simply isn't anything that has to be said. It's in their company alone, somehow, in a way he couldn't explain if he tried, fittingly enough.

Then, Namjoon sighs, "I feel like I'm always complaining about work. My bad."

"It's fine, I don't mind," Yoongi replies sincerely. "I just have an unnaturally small amount of coworkers I could even complain about so it doesn't happen a lot. I did get someone fired once, though."

"Hold on— You what?"

At the shock in Namjoon's voice, he can't help but snort, shrugging to himself as he considers his next response. "I was supposed to produce a song for this new group and realized their new manager was violating a buncha company rules. The kids wouldn't report him 'cuz they were too scared to get in trouble, so I went and did it instead."

"Holy shit, that's so badass, what the hell."

"Eh, not so sure about that," he says, then pauses again. "After I told HR and they said they'd deal with it, I had a panic attack in the bathroom 'cuz I was like what the hell did I just do? which was kind of a lot more pathetic, so."

"Still, you stood up for those kids and that's awesome. As you already know, I can't even stand up for myself when my coworker is being a dick."

"Next time someone pisses you off I'll come over and deal with them," Yoongi jokes, "and then when I cry about it afterward you will hold my hand to make me feel better."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Namjoon agrees heartily, then shuffles around on the other end, speaking up again while rather talking to himself. "Yoongi-hyung likes hand holding, noted."

Embarrassed, he returns, "I didn't even say that."

"That is literally exactly what you just said."

"Kiss my ass, Namjoon."

"What, that something you're into as well?"

And oh he is so, so glad that they're just talking over the phone so that Namjoon can't see the way Yoongi's face is flushing red. "I'm so gonna hang up on you."

Again, a laugh is drawn out of the other and suddenly he thinks maybe this whole conversation is very worthwhile after all. Until— "Aw, c'mon, I never said I was against hand-holding! Or ass kissing, for that matter."

The shriek Yoongi lets out is incredibly embarrassing, but he can't help the mortification. "What the hell is wrong with you, like, actually?!"

"Ask my therapist that."

"Now that's usually my line," he says in mock offense, and just like that they continue bantering with each other. It's only after a long while that Yoongi realizes how easy this has become, how he doesn't hesitate every time he wants to say something. Even with Namjoon there are still days where the words won't leave his throat, but when they do it feels so much more natural than what he's used to.

He hasn't felt this...safe in a long time.

It's not a good day, and he's starting to regret his choices.

He already got up with a familiar anxiety weighing heavily on his shoulders and pressing down on his sternum, but he had promised himself that he would go out and get groceries and he didn't want to deviate from those plans. Of course, he could have ordered them online and saved himself the hassle, but that's exactly what he's been trying not to do.

It's simple, in theory. Go to the store, buy everything off the list he made beforehand, and go back home.

It's not quite as simple anymore when he arrives at his nearest grocery store and finds that it's temporarily closed for some undisclosed reason. Great.

In hindsight, he should have just gone back home right there. Instead, he musters some kind of determination to go to a different store and tries not to think about the added anxiety of not knowing the layout or the kind of people that usually work there. He just needs to keep his head down (with his hood on his head to cover his face better, of course) and stick to his list and focus on finding the things on it.

It's that focus that ends up getting him in trouble. He's rounding the corner to the laundry detergent when he accidentally bumps into another person, the man staggering backward and dropping a bag in the process, its contents spilling over the floor.

Shit.

"What the fuck, man?!" the stranger hisses, anger immediately dripping into his voice. "Can't you watch where the hell you're going?!"

Shit.

Yoongi wants to apologize, he really does, but when he opens his mouth, not a single sound comes out. It's like he's frozen in time, rooted to the spot and unable to mutter anything despite the urgent need to do so.

The guy in front of him isn't pleased. With an annoyed huff, he steps forward, automatically prompting Yoongi to finally step back, which only ends up backing him into a literal corner.

Now, the panic is setting in. He feels trapped, both literally and figuratively, the pounding of his heart that was merely a background noise before now turning into an all-encompassing feeling in his entire body.

"I'm fucking talking to you!" the man keeps raising his voice and Yoongi thinks you must already be able to hear it through the store, though he's not entirely sure with how the blood rushing through his ears muffles any and all outside noise.

"Can't watch where you're going, can't even fucking talk and own up to the mess you made! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Subconsciously, he clenches his fists and digs his nails into the palms of his hands, trying to keep a tether to reality with the sensation. There's nothing else he can do, wishing he could just curl up and make himself as small as possible. Wishing everything else would disappear. Wishing he would disappear.

What the hell is wrong with you?!

His head is spinning, which he belatedly thinks might have to do with the way he can't seem to drag enough air into his lungs, and suddenly he's way too aware of how hard it is to breathe.

"You're gonna fu—"

"Hey, what's going on here?" a new voice cuts into the situation, though he only notices it because it momentarily interrupts the angry voice yelling at him.

Yoongi can't bring himself to look up. He can barely even breathe.

The angry stranger is more than eager to answer the question for the both of them, "This fucker bumped into me and knocked my groceries onto the floor! Look at this damn mess! He's not even acknowledging it!"

"Okay," the new stranger replies, though Yoongi thinks he doesn't sound mad, more like he's considering the situation. "Then I suggest you pick them back up so everyone can continue on with their day."

"Tell him that! It's all his fault!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're the one causing a public disturbance by yelling," the other voice explains, deep and calm but confident all the same. "If you keep this up, I'll see myself forced to call security and have you removed from the store."

"Wh— Unbelievable," the angry voice scoffs, though it wavers now as the man ultimately shuffles around to pick up his groceries. "None of you people have manners anymore."

And, almost miraculously, the angry stranger actually wanders off without any further confrontation. It drains some of the tension from his body, his legs suddenly so weak he thinks he's going to fall over any second. He wants to run, but he can't.

Breathe, he tries telling himself, and ends up crouching down on the floor. With one arm, he pulls his own groceries closer to him as if that could bring him some kind of comfort while his free hand slides into his hair, loosely pulling at a few strands. Just breathe.

He doesn't realize the stranger who came to break up the scene is still there until someone crouches down in front of him, close but not close enough to feel suffocating.

"Hey, are you okay?" the same calm voice asks now, addressing him for the first time. The man briefly dips his head down, like he's trying to get a look at Yoongi's face below the hood. "Or, ah, can you hear me?"

The second question is simple enough, so he nods in response. It's not much, but it's the most he can muster in that moment.

"That's good. Is there anything I can do to help?"

From this angle he can't see the man's upper body much, so he just stares ahead and tries to focus on the pair of knees in front of him as well as the voice talking. He's not sure how to reply this time, not sure there's anything more the guy can do than what he's already done for him in the first place.

So, he shrugs, which prompts the other to speak again, "Okay. I'll just stay with you for a bit, if that's okay. You don't have to mind me at all, I would just like to make sure you're alright. Though if you would rather I leave, you can just shake your head and I'll respect that."

That just leaves Yoongi confused, really. He doesn't understand why this absolute stranger is being so nice to him. First, he got him out of this shitty situation when he couldn't even do anything by himself and now he's still trying to help just because Yoongi can't seem to get a grip.

It does prove to be oddly reassuring, however, so he lets the other stay.

He's not sure how much time passes like that. It's probably a few minutes at best, but to him it feels like an eternity just spent sitting in the corner of a grocery store as if that was a completely normal thing to do and not really fucking weird. At least, the kind stranger's presence helps him feel less self-conscious about it.

Once his breathing has returned mostly to normal and he feels less like he's going to pass out, he finally stands up again, the stranger quickly following suit.

"Feeling better?" he asks, and Yoongi finally takes the time to look at him properly. He's taller than Yoongi, so much so that he has to crane his head up slightly to look at the man's face, but he seems to be around his age. When their eyes finally meet, the other smiles at him, exposing his dimples in the process.

If Yoongi was in the right state of mind, he'd say it's cute.

Right now, he's more occupied with the knowledge that he should say anything at all. That he should open his mouth and say something along the lines of "Yes, I'm okay, thank you and sorry for the trouble" to reassure the stranger and move on from the situation.

None of that comes out though. Instead, he lets his eyes wander back down to the floor and thinks about how miserable it is that he can't even mutter the thank you that this person deserves. He nods again.

Curiously, the stranger doesn't seem to mind Yoongi's silence. He's not weirded out or pressing for answers, just offers that they leave together, which Yoongi really can't deny because he wants nothing more than to get out of this place. He's calmer now, but still far from feeling alright, the edges of his vision blurring into a mess he can't be bothered to pay attention to. Really, he just follows the kind stranger, methodically going through checkout while trying not to think about anything in particular.

It gets better when they finally make it outside, the fresh air allowing him to feel like he's taking his first full breath in years.

"Do you live nearby?" dimple-stranger asks now, still very much right by Yoongi's side.

Another nod from Yoongi's side prompts him to continue, "Will you be okay going home by yourself?"

Like a child getting lost, he thinks bitterly, though more so at himself than anything else. Regardless, he nods his head once more, to which he receives another dimpled smile.

"Good, then. Ah— but wait," the stranger pauses, hastily reaching into his bag and searching for something. He pulls out a small notebook and a pen, scribbling something down and ripping out the page before handing it to Yoongi. "Text me when you get home, ok? If you want, I mean. Just to be sure. My name's Namjoon, by the way."

Yoongi's world stops dead in its tracks.

Namjoon.

No fucking way.

He's been thinking that this man's voice sounds oddly familiar, but wanted to chalk it up to a mere coincidence in his already frayed state. But this — he looks at this Namjoon's face — it's no longer a coincidence, is it?

Belatedly, he remembers to nod again, followed by a deep bow in hopes it conveys his gratitude. After that, Namjoon says his goodbye and they part ways.

As soon as the other man is out of sight, Yoongi pulls out his phone in a hurry, opening up his contacts and checking for the phone number saved under his Namjoon's contact.

It's the same number that's written on the piece of paper.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Yoongi hasn't texted Namjoon yet.

Or, more accurately, the guy from the grocery store hasn't texted Namjoon yet. Yoongi has been texting and talking to Namjoon the way he always does, leaving no signs that something in their friendship already changed fundamentally since they've met in person.

Namjoon doesn't know and Yoongi has been too much of a coward to tell him.

The note with Namjoon's phone number is still lying on his desk even though he clearly doesn't need it — it serves as more of a glaring reminder that he's gonna have to tell Namjoon eventually, the knowledge of the whole situation gnawing at him constantly.

He doesn't even understand why he is so worried. He knows the Namjoon he's been talking to almost daily for the past few months is the sweetest and most understanding person he's met in a long time— maybe ever. He also knows the Namjoon he's met in the grocery store was nothing but kind and patient with him despite the oddity of the situation.

As usual, his fear is likely largely irrational, unprecedented even.

He sighs heavily. There's only one thing he can do if he wants to stop overthinking this.

Yoongi
hey
there's something i need to tell you

Namjoon
Oh? I'm listening

Yoongi
right
it's uh. i'm kinda nervous about it lmao but fuck it
the person you helped at the grocery store last tuesday. that was me
i wanted to thank you for that. sorry i couldn't
i'm sorry i didn't say anything
and i'm sorry your first impression of me had to be that haha

Namjoon
Holy shit
That was you?

Yoongi
yeah
pretty fucking embarrassing huh

Namjoon
Hey no don't say that :(
You have nothing to apologize for
You didn't deserve to be yelled at by this guy just cuz he's got some anger management issues
If anything I just hope I could be of help

Yoongi
you were amazing
i didn't understand why this random stranger was being so nice to me
idk what would have happened if it wasn't for you lmao
maybe we should rethink that whole princess and knight thing. make me more of some fucking damsel in distress

Namjoon
I don't think so. I really don't
Everybody needs help sometimes, there's nothing wrong with that
I know you will probably want to say you shouldn't need help with this, but I disagree
You wouldn't judge someone else if they were in your situation, would you? So don't judge yourself so harshly either, okay?

Yoongi
you're a fucking smartass you know that
thank you for not belittling me with this
you have a cute smile by the way

Namjoon
Ah.
What did you just say

Yoongi
you know how to read, don't you? i'm not gonna say it again

Namjoon
Me when Yoongi-hyung gives me compliments <3333

Yoongi
ew i didn't need to know you have a praise kink

Namjoon
Only for you ;)

Yoongi
STOPPPPPPP ASDJAJSD

Namjoon
Holy shit
That is the first time I have seen you use capital letters

Yoongi
yeah well i don't support capitalism but you are making me resort to drastic measures here

Namjoon
Capitalism?????
You're so....I can't stand you sometimes

Yoongi
most people don't, get in line

Namjoon
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT :(((
You are a treasure. I mean it
You're smart and funny and kind and creative and you make me want to be a better person and I just think you're amazing

Yoongi
oh
wow
i was just joking but that got cheesy real quick i...don't know what to say

Namjoon
You don't have to say anything, just accept my words and remember them whenever you doubt yourself

Yoongi
okay, i'll try
thank you
though i definitely think you're way better than me

Namjoon
I'm so gonna fight you rn
Yoongi-hyung can't take compliments, noted.

Yoongi
omfg
so wait
you live near that grocery store?

Namjoon
Yepp it's like a ten minute walk
So we live close huh

Yoongi
what even are the chances
i don't even usually go there but my nearest store was closed so

Namjoon
Omg Hyung...Do you think it's fate
The princess and the knight, fated to find each other in every dimension...how romantic

Yoongi
you're so fucking cheesy jfc
but if it was fate then i suppose i would say it's done a pretty good job in my opinion

Namjoon
Oh...awwwwww Yoongiiiiiiii
I think so too :)

Yoongi
:]

Yoongi
hey
have you ever rapped before

Namjoon
Well that's a sudden question
I have...kinda?

Yoongi
what does kinda mean

Namjoon
Uhmmm
I used to rap as a teenager
A bit
For fun
Definitely didn't participate in rap battles and shit like that haha

Yoongi
are you srs rn

Namjoon
....Yes
It was a long time ago

Yoongi
why did you stop then?

Namjoon
It's not like there was any point in doing it
I had to focus on my studies eventually and just didn't have the time anymore

Yoongi
did it make you happy?

Namjoon
I...I guess so. Yeah

Yoongi
okay
you should come to my place and record your part of the song we made

Namjoon
W. What?

Yoongi
you know how to rap, right? and you liked doing it? so you should take the part that's rightfully yours
i have a small recording booth and all the necessary equipment in my home studio so

Namjoon
Woah woah wait
I need a minute to catch up, I didn't expect you to invite me to your place all of a sudden
Much less for a matter like this

Yoongi
yeah well we've technically already met anyway so why not
unless you don't want to see me again which. i understand

Namjoon
It's not that
I just...you want me to actually feature in your song? Why? You don't even know if I can actually rap

Yoongi
i don't care about that, silly
i just want to make music with you

Namjoon
Oh...
I...think I would like that...

Yoongi
that's what i was hoping to hear :]

Namjoon
Are you sure you want me to come over and see you?

Yoongi
yeah
i trust you
i'd like to meet you, properly

Namjoon
:)
Are you free this Saturday maybe?

Yoongi
i am always free remember
but yeah that sounds good to me

Namjoon
Awesome
I'm excited!

Yoongi
me too :]

By the time Saturday rolls around, Yoongi wonders where all his prior confidence has gone.

It's 20 minutes sharp until Namjoon is supposed to show up and he's been pacing around his living room for at least an hour. Everything else is already set up, of course, so that he would have plenty of time to pace and not risk it interfering with his preparations.

It's unnecessary, he knows that. This was his idea because the rational part of him knew this is just Namjoon and the world is absolutely not going to fall apart just because he's coming over but, well, try and convince that anxious part of his brain of this.

He's overcome by the sudden urge to check if everything is really in place once more. He's checked at least 4 times in the last hour, but it can't hurt to be extra sure. He checks: If his clothes look right, if everything in his studio is set up properly, if there's any clutter he forgot to remove, if there are good places for Namjoon to leave his things should he bring any.

He checks the date and compares it to the one they agreed to over text to make sure it's the same.

He checks the time and compares it to the one they agreed to over text to make sure it's the same.

He realizes the 20 minutes are up seconds before the sharp ring of the doorbell cuts through his frantic movements.

Fuck, he's so nervous he could throw up on the spot. He tries not to think about that while he stalks over to the door in quick, long steps.

The first thing he thinks when he opens the door is that Namjoon looks even better than Yoongi remembers from their accidental meeting. He's wearing a white sweater with blue text on it that he can't focus enough to read, which is complimented by denim jeans and a few accessories Yoongi feels hyperaware of. His black hair is neatly parted, framing his face nicely, and his skin looks like it's nearly glowing.

Or maybe Yoongi is just losing it, that's entirely possible as well.

"Hey," Namjoon greets easily and smiles, his dimples on full display.

For a moment, Yoongi simply stares at him before he remembers how to be a person again. "Hey," he returns and hopes it comes across natural, "come in."

Namjoon does just that, discarding his shoes by the entrance while Yoongi takes his jacket and hangs it up on the rack where he certainly hadn't made space for on purpose before.

"Thanks for inviting me, Hyung," the other says then, still smiling, and Yoongi wonders if he's doing it to ease his nerves. (It works, somehow.)

"Thanks for coming," he parrots as he leads them to his studio, "Can I offer you something to drink? Coffee? Tea? Water?"

As Namjoon takes in the room, he hums, "If you don't mind, I definitely wouldn't turn down some coffee."

"That was the right choice," Yoongi jokes, "I'll be right back, feel free to make yourself at home."

And with that, he retreats for a quick coffee run and does his best not to overthink anything in the meantime.

When he gets back, Namjoon is standing by the guitar hung on the wall. "I had no idea you play guitar too."

Yoongi sets down his tray on the coffee table by the couch and huffs, "Rarely. It's mostly decor these days because of health reasons."

Just so he doesn't stand around like an idiot, he plops himself down on the couch and pours them a cup each while Namjoon continues looking around the studio.

"This is the coolest room I've ever seen at someone's place. It's like— Well, like a childhood dream come true, I don't know."

"It took me a few years to set it up properly," Yoongi explains, "though somehow there's always stuff to add or replace. Like a never-ending work in progress, really."

Namjoon looks around for a minute longer before he turns back to Yoongi and, with a grin, asks, "When can I move in?"

The joke catches him so off-guard that it leaves him dumbfounded for a few seconds as he just stares back at Namjoon, which makes the other laugh as he joins Yoongi on the couch.

He finds out, then, that Namjoon's laugh is not only still contagious but also even more beautiful in real life.

"Well," Yoongi starts once their laughter has died down, picking up his cup of coffee. "I wouldn't stop you from coming over whenever you like."

Namjoon's face lights up. "Really?"

"Of course."

Some of his confidence, Yoongi realizes, has already returned. It's easy to be around Namjoon, he finds, almost as easy as being by himself — a surprising conclusion to make so soon. But it's true, and it feels right.

It's that thought that only gets proven to him over the course of the afternoon.

They get to work after they've chatted for a while, a lot of which consists of Namjoon asking about various things in his studio and Yoongi basking in the fact that someone is actually listening to him when he talks.

He's never been one to talk much and, even so, people usually didn't listen when he did.

Between the two of them now, it's so much different.

Something else he learns: Namjoon was definitely selling himself short again because as it turns out he is nothing short of good at rap already. They spend most of the day just practicing and testing and, while Namjoon is slightly rusty at first from not having done this in a while, it's crystal clear that his potential is great.

"I think you could make it big if you wanted to," Yoongi blurts at some point during their session, to which Namjoon looks to the side with a sheepish expression as he scratches the back of his neck.

They get to a few test recordings of their song until the exhaustion creeps in as Namjoon's voice roughens up and Yoongi decides to call it a day in terms of working.

Surprisingly, it doesn't end there. Once again they drop down on the couch together, with drinks and snacks Yoongi had already prepared beforehand. From there, their conversation seems to flow by itself once more, like it's some kind of magic. They talk about everything and nothing, the past, the present, the future; mundane things like the weather next week or abstract philosophical thoughts that Namjoon never seems to run out of; work and music and everything else and in between.

Yoongi doesn't even realize how late it's gotten until his eyelids start to droop and he feels like he could fall asleep right there.

He hears Namjoon chuckle more than he sees it, followed by a, "Getting tired, Hyung?"

And truthfully, he is. Spending the afternoon with Namjoon has been great, but he's not really used to this kind of company and his battery is slowly depleting towards zero. "Mhm, yeah, sorry."

"It's chill," the other says, lifting himself from the seat next to Yoongi and stretching his long (and very much clumsy, Yoongi has already realized) limbs. "It's pretty late, I should be heading home anyway."

Yoongi, too, peels himself off the couch then, the two of them briefly cleaning up in the studio before Namjoon grabs his things and they head for the door.

"This was fun, I hope you'd like to have me over again."

"Obviously," Yoongi huffs, "we can finish the recording next time, if you want. I'm down anytime."

"Sounds good to me," Namjoon says, putting on his jacket. Then, he looks at Yoongi for a long moment like he's considering something and Yoongi is almost tempted to ask before the other continues on his own. "Hyung...can I give you a hug?"

Yoongi stares, baffled. That's not a question he was expecting to hear, much less one he thought he would have to answer. Quite frankly, he doesn't even remember the last time he's gotten a hug. It must have been years ago— maybe when he was still on speaking terms with his parents. He has no idea.

"I—" Yoongi starts, knowing that making Namjoon wait for an answer is going to make it weird, only to realize he doesn't even know what to say. He doesn't want to say no, but he doesn't know how to say yes either. Something like shame builds in his guts as he looks down at the floor and nods. "Please."

Moments later, two broad arms envelop him, gently pushing him into Namjoon's chest. Like this, he suddenly feels impossibly small in Namjoon's embrace but it's not a bad feeling. If anything, it feels...safe. And when he finally comes out of his stupor and returns the hug, childishly he wishes he could stay exactly like this forever.

"Hey, do you remember what you once said about everyone having their own unique color?" Namjoon asks after a while of silence, his voice cackling through the phone speaker.

Yoongi is currently curled up on his desk chair, monitors still shining with the efforts of his work that he'd deserted when his phone started to vibrate and Namjoon's caller ID showed up on the screen.

It is a somber evening, Yoongi can tell just by listening to Namjoon's voice. The other doesn't say that something is wrong, or that as such is the reason he called, but Yoongi knows. In an odd sort of way, it is as if he's studied the intricacies of Namjoon's voice over the past few months, having become familiar with it almost more so than his own.

It was already in his "just felt like talking to you" — the I could really use the company right now.

Yoongi is not one to deny the unsaid in Namjoon's voice, so he indulges him, "Yeah, I do remember."

Namjoon hums thoughtfully, then there's another pause. Briefly, Yoongi wonders if the other is going to follow up on his question at all.

And then, voice so unnaturally meek, he continues, "I feel like I'm some kind of shade of dark blue. Like, indigo, or something." Again, a pause, long and drawn out. "Something ugly and sad and lonely."

Yoongi thinks about that for a moment, the color blue. He can see it, he thinks, though by far not in such a negative way that Namjoon frames it.

"Blue is a beautiful color, though," Yoongi reasons, "like the sky and the sea."

"You know neither of these are actually blue, right?" Namjoon quips, and it's probably the first thing he's said that isn't laced with such a solemn tone.

Yoongi huffs, "I'm well aware, but you get what I'm trying to say. Every color has its ugly side, but it also has the beautiful ones. Stuff like wisdom, peace, trust, honesty...they're all blue, too."

"...You think so?"

"Of course, Joon-ah."

"I guess maybe you could be right," Namjoon says ultimately, with something like relief. "Thank you, Hyung."

The somberness lessens after that ever so slightly, and Yoongi thinks about the color blue for a while after that.

Blue is not unfitting for his own, untelling grey, but he doesn't think of it as a particularly pretty combination. Blue and grey— like when the clouds try to cover the sky and begin to shed rainy tears on earth.

Yoongi has always hated the rain.

Namjoon comes over twice more until their recording sessions are finished and Yoongi is coming to an end with tweaking the masterfile.

"Are you going to upload it?" Namjoon asks next to him, and when Yoongi turns to look at him, he's not sure whether the pair of big puppy eyes are holding anticipation or anxiety. Perhaps a bit of both.

"If you're down for it," Yoongi shrugs, "we could do it together, if you want."

Namjoon's face lights up. "Really?"

"Yeah. The song's done, really, so."

And so, they listen to the final version one more time for good measure and, when neither of them can find something that clearly needs another change, they decide to go through with the upload.

It's the easiest part of the whole process and mere routine for Yoongi by now, but the sheer nervous passion Namjoon radiates makes it feel much more impactful than Yoongi has grown to experience it.

Once Yoongi has set everything up and all that's left is to click the upload button, he leans back and looks at Namjoon again, "I'll let you do the honors."

The other looks surprised at first, then determined, and Yoongi thinks it's adorable. There's always a certain feeling combined with finally uploading a song — be it excitement, relief or even something like frustration — but he hasn't felt them so much as when he gauges Namjoon's reactions in a long time.

"Now's the last chance to back out," Yoongi humors, but the younger only shakes his head.

"Nope, no backing out now," he replies seriously and clicks upload.

There's a short moment in which the upload processes and it's done.

"This is nerve-wracking, somehow," Namjoon says as he sinks into his chair. "I haven't, you know...put myself out there like this in a long time."

Yoongi smiles at him, hopes it's reassuring. "You don't have to worry, I'm certain people will love you."

At that, Namjoon looks bashful, "Ah...thank you."

"Oh, that reminds me," he continues suddenly, rising from his chair to look through the mess of papers on his desk in search of something specific. "I had to go to the company yesterday and I saw that one of our sister labels has a few open positions. I thought I should show you."

He hands the poster over to Namjoon, who eyes it with something like skepticism. "I really doubt they would take someone like me."

Yoongi huffs, shaking his head, "You won't know that unless you try. At least consider it, alright?"

With a sigh, Namjoon folds up the poster and slips it into his bag, "Fine, I'll think about it."

The feedback on their song is, once again, overwhelmingly positive. There is more traction on it than usual, too, more people debating the new and unknown feature of the song. Yoongi is as satisfied as can be with the outcome — which means never to the fullest because it seems he can never be fully satisfied with his work as an artist. Still, he's happy.

Namjoon, meanwhile, is nothing short of overjoyed. Once again the two of them are hanging out in Yoongi's studio, something which has become habit for them rather quickly, and Namjoon has been positively pacing in excitement for at least half an hour.

"It's just, like, there's no way," Namjoon says, wild hand gestures accompanying his ramble. "I know they liked the song the first time but that was like— your song, you know? And I mean it still is but holy shit, Hyung, have you seen how many people are talking about me? It's unreal."

Yoongi finds himself endeared by Namjoon's innocent joy. "Well, I'm not surprised. You're amazing, of course the people are gonna talk about you. I also think— ah, uh, well..."

At Yoongi's hesitation, Namjoon perks up, looking at him with those big puppy eyes. "Think what?"

"I think our voices, they, you know...go well together. It was great hearing them together on a track."

"No, totally, I agree!" Namjoon beams and Yoongi immediately forgets why he felt awkward saying this. "I saw this one comment that did, like, half an analysis on how our voices fit together and stuff, did you see that? I thought that was such a compliment. You've got some real nice fans, you know that?"

"They wouldn't have been that nice if they didn't have a good reason for praise. You can admit you did well, it won't kill you, you know that?"

Namjoon snorts, "I guess you're right. I just...forgot what this feels like. To have someone praise you for a piece of art you made. It makes me happy, but also..."

There's a pause there, but Yoongi doesn't interrupt. Comfortably perched on the couch, he patiently waits as the other organizes his thoughts.

It's with a sigh that Namjoon continues, and he doesn't miss the way his shoulders deflate slightly, "It feels oddly nostalgic and I don't really know if it's a good feeling or a bad one."

"What makes you feel that way?"

Namjoon takes a seat next to him. "I told you I used to make music back when I was a teenager, right? It just reminds me of that time. I'm happy because I really like that feeling but I'm also kind of sad because I already gave that whole thing up years ago. It feels like...this isn't my place, because the place I used to have is long gone."

"I get that, it's understandable that it would be a weird feeling in your case. But this could be a start to making a new place for yourself, don't you think? It's never too late to start again."

The younger doesn't look entirely convinced. "I don't know...I don't know how."

"What about the flyer I gave you? Did you think about it?"

"Well yes, but...I just don't think that's gonna work."

"Have you tried?"

"I— no..."

Yoongi huffs, "Then maybe you should. It's clear to me that making music makes you happier, so there's no harm in trying, is there?"

"Yeah that's so easy for you to say," Namjoon scoffs, clearly getting worked up now. His jaw clenches, and he's avoiding looking in Yoongi's direction.

Yoongi falters, but continues to speak, "I didn't say any of it was easy. I just think it would be a good opportunity that you're holding yourself back from for some reason."

And that's where it blows up.

"Just fucking drop it already!" Namjoon seethes as he shoots back up from the couch, his voice much louder than usual.

And Yoongi, well, he just stares. He's never actually seen Namjoon genuinely mad like this, and much less with himself as the cause of it. He wants to say something, is trying to find the right words to apologize for making Namjoon upset, but to his horror they won't form on his tongue.

Not a word leaves his throat with the anxious feeling in his gut, so all he does is stare silently. Fuck.

It seems his silence is what snaps Namjoon out of it again, his fists unclench at his side and his glare lifts, slowly shifting into confusion and then something more akin to concern. "I— shit. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell."

Yoongi hates that it's Namjoon who apologizes immediately. He wants to say that it's okay, wants to be the one to say sorry. Instead, he only shakes his head and grabs the nearest pen, hastily scribbling something in his notebook that reads I'm gonna make us some coffee. Then we'll talk.

When he holds the note out to Namjoon, the other looks no less worried, but nods. "Okay, Hyung."

So that's what happens. Yoongi leaves for the kitchen to make coffee, though it's more so to allow both of them a quick breather — specifically so that he can get a fucking grip and behave properly. (He's trying not to berate himself, though he's not entirely successful.)

Still, the small time window in which the only thing he has to focus on is the routine task of preparing his favorite beverage helps and, by the time he returns to the studio, he feels like he can actually get across what he wishes to.

As soon as he steps through the door, Namjoon perks up at him and opens his mouth, but this time Yoongi interrupts, "I'm sorry for upsetting you," he sets the coffee tablet down in front of Namjoon, "I wanted to help but I didn't realize I was just doing the opposite."

"I'm not upset with you," the other clarifies, "And I shouldn't have reacted like that either. I just...don't really want to talk about that right now."

"Well, I'm really good at not talking about things, so don't worry about it," Yoongi jokes, though the self-deprecating tone doesn't escape his voice entirely.

It makes Namjoon pout (which is an oddly cute picture, but Yoongi tries not to think about that). "Hyunggg, don't be like that," Namjoon whines, after which his face turns serious again. "Thanks, though. Everything good?"

Yoongi offers a soft smile and confirms, "Yeah, everything good."

After that, he's relieved to find that they slip back into their regular conversations like nothing happened.

Still, Yoongi remembers not to bring the topic up again.

Namjoon
Hey Hyung
I wanted to ask you something

Yoongi
what's up?

Namjoon
So my birthday is coming up right
I'm planning to go out for dinner with my friends so. I wanted to invite you
I know this might not really be your thing and you are totally welcome to decline, but it felt wrong to just assume and make the decision for you so I wanted to ask

Yoongi
oh
your birthday is the 12th right?

Namjoon
Yes

Yoongi
when you say friends...how many people are we talking?

Namjoon
Excluding me and you, 5 people. I've told you about some of them like Hoseok or Seokjin idk if you remember

Yoongi
your longtime friends, i remember
i really want to say yes

Namjoon
But?

Yoongi
but there are a lot of questions and doubts that pop in my head at the idea

Namjoon
If it's questions I can answer I would be more than happy to

Yoongi
wouldn't it be....awkward if i came? your friends don't know me at all

Namjoon
I mean...they have definitely heard about you, I tell them about you. They really wanna meet you actually
Plus they're always happy to meet someone new. Taehyung, you know, the art guy? He just recently dragged this kid he met in class along and introduced us. So Jeongguk's still kinda new but we all love him lol so he's invited as well

Yoongi
....hold on, run that back. you talk about me???

Namjoon
Why of course
I tell you stuff about them so why wouldn't I tell them stuff about you

Yoongi
crazy thing to say considering i'm me and there's not much to tell people but sure

Namjoon
Yeah except for that whole part where you're like a musical genius and everything for starters

Yoongi
...right
can you tell me what your friends are like, aside from what you already told me? i feel like it would...help if i knew what to expect

Namjoon
Oh sure!
Hoseok is always full of energy, I feel like you know that already. He can be loud but he's also the sweetest person you will ever meet. Very easy to get along with
Taehyung can have a similar amount of energy, but it depends on the day. Some days he's very loud and others he's pretty quiet. He also has a very unique way of thinking and will probably bombard you with questions that seem unusual but you listen to my rambles too so I doubt that would be an issue
Jimin is attached to Tae to the point they're basically one so he carries a lot of the same energy. He's the most considerate & empathetic so he's always the first to pick up on your mood ngl
Seokjin is the most annoying person ever but in the way that I hope he never stops being annoying. Loves dad jokes. Also embraces being the dad. Will probably boast his cooking skills and tell you about fish any chance he gets. Women want him (he's gay) and fish fear him.
And Jeongguk is...a lot like Tae too, pretty shy at first but an insanely good kid and always up for a surprise.
I have no doubt about the fact that they would all adore you tbh, and they're all really great to get along with
...That was a lot, my bad

Yoongi
no, that definitely helped. thank you
they sound like great people

Namjoon
They are
And so are you btw

Yoongi
ugh, always so cheesy
so you said you're going out for dinner...where?

Namjoon
Oh it's this grill place further into the city, like a 15 minute drive from your place. It's a pretty small place but very cozy & there usually aren't too many people there. Hobi found out about it a few years ago and we kinda became regulars

Yoongi
okay
do you think...it would be a good idea for me to come?

Namjoon
Well ultimately that is something you have to decide for yourself, but I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't

Yoongi
okay so...
right now i think i want to accept the invitation. but i also know myself & that i might not feel that way when i'm having a bad day
would you be mad if i changed my mind on short notice...?

Namjoon
Never, Hyung
You could tell me you're not coming 5 minutes before and I would understand
I promise there is no obligation to show up at all
And if you do come then you can also leave at any time. I don't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable

Yoongi
thank you
i don't understand why you would give yourself this much trouble just to invite me but i really appreciate it

Namjoon
It's no trouble at all, but in any case you're worth it.
I also have a question for you

Yoongi
hm?

Namjoon
I don't really know how to formulate this but like
Do you want me to tell the others anything beforehand or something? They always mean well but they can be quite a lot all at once. I imagine it could be stressful for you if you find it hard to speak and they're confused about what's going on
So I wanted to ask what you think would be best

Yoongi
oh
well
this is a really dumb question considering those are your friends but...they wouldn't think i'm weird if they knew, right?

Namjoon
They would never, I can assure you
I wouldn't wanna be friends with someone who thinks about anyone that way anyway

Yoongi
you're right, sorry
i guess i'm still not used to the idea of...being accepted, i don't know

Namjoon
It's okay, I understand that
But you don't have to worry, everyone will love you just the way you are

Yoongi
okay, i trust you
then i guess you can tell them
that i sometimes struggle communicating verbally

Namjoon
I gotchu!
I'll text you the details when I've made the reservation and stuff alright?

Yoongi
yeah sure
thank you again joon

Namjoon
Anytime Yoon <3

When Namjoon's birthday arrives, Yoongi decides to go.

The prospect of meeting several new people that he doesn't know is still scary to him, but he tries to keep his thoughts realistic and not give in to all the overdramatic doubts his anxiety tends to develop. What's the worst that can happen? He could get overwhelmed and have to leave early, which could be embarrassing and add onto the list of things he's going to remember at 3 am whenever he can't sleep, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. It really wouldn't, he tries to remind himself.

Plus, he feels...oddly confident. Or, well, maybe confident is an overstatement — but he does feel like this is a challenge he has a chance at winning. If you asked him months ago, he would have said there's no way he would attend someone's birthday party with a bunch of strangers, but he supposes the progress he's made in the past few months has made him more optimistic. Perhaps delusionally so, but he won't know until it happens.

It reminds him a little bit of his silly little rogue character. At first, there was not much his character could achieve with barely any levels to his names and at complete mercy of the giant sentient tree. After all the time he's spent playing the game however — mostly with Namjoon for that matter — his rogue has gained all kinds of new skills and abilities, long leveled high enough to take revenge on the tree that once nearly caused his doom.

Maybe Namjoon's birthday party is really just a giant sentient tree.

It's with that thought that he gets in his car and makes his way over. Namjoon said they're officially gonna start at 6 pm, but that him and Seokjin will come together and be there roughly 20 minutes early. As such, Yoongi decided to be early as well, figures it would be less stressful than having all the attention on him if he showed up last.

Admittedly, the anxiety sets back in by the time he reaches the parking lot around the building and for a brief moment he wonders what the fuck he thinks he's doing, but he quickly banishes those thoughts.

He just focuses on parking his car, checks that he looks decent enough one more time (he'd pulled out one of his fancier button-ups usually reserved for work meetings for this occasion), and then decides to head in before he begins overthinking again.

And Namjoon was right, it is a rather small restaurant, but the wooden interior and warm lighting make everything appear quite comfortable. He likes it.

It doesn't take more than one glance across the room to find Namjoon seated at a table in the very corner, animatedly talking to who must be Seokjin. It's him who locks eyes with Yoongi first, though Namjoon quickly follows as he turns his head towards the entrance and spots him.

Namjoon's face actually lights up.

"Hey, Hyung!" Namjoon exclaims with a wave and a smile, clumsily rising from his chair as Yoongi approaches the two.

"Hey," Yoongi returns somewhat tentatively, addressing both of them before turning to Namjoon. "Happy birthday."

Namjoon grins, extending his arms in a way he often does to ask for a hug and Yoongi barely gets to finish a nod before he's pulled into a hug, effectively easing some of the tension out of him.

"It's good to see you," the other says, and Yoongi appreciates it's what he says instead of I'm glad you could make it.

He turns to the other man then, who holds out his hand for a handshake.

"I'm Seokjin," he confirms with a gentle smile, "but you can just call me Jin-hyung."

"Nice to meet you," Yoongi returns and shakes his hand while hoping he comes across somewhat natural all the while.

"Likewise! I've heard a lot about you— honestly, Namjoon never shuts up actually," Seokjin says with a grin, which results in Namjoon fruitlessly attempting to cover his mouth.

"Hyung, what the hell! You didn't have to phrase it like that!"

It draws a chuckle out of Yoongi. "Don't worry, I've heard plenty about you as well."

"Ah, only the best of things, I hope. Isn't that right, Joon-ah?"

Put on the spot, Namjoon doesn't say anything and Yoongi doesn't try to get Namjoon out of it either.

"Aren't you going to help me here, Yoongi-hyung?"

"No comment," he merely offers with an innocent smile.

Seokjin clicks his tongue, "I knew it!"

"Hey! It's my birthday, I can't believe you're ganging up on me already!" Namjoon says with a pout, which makes the two of them laugh.

Then, Seokjin's eyes wander behind where Yoongi is standing, "Well, it seems like your rescue has already arrived."

Namjoon turns back towards the entrance at that and Yoongi follows suit to see a man with strikingly colorful clothing enter. As soon as the man spots them, his face breaks out into a huge smile and Yoongi simply knows this must be Hoseok based on what Namjoon has told him.

"Ah, my favorite birthday child!" the man's voice booms through the room, and it looks like he's trying to contain himself from sprinting across. Yoongi couldn't explain it if he tried, but it looks like the man is about to break into a dance as he walks over. Definitely Hoseok, then.

"Happy birthday, Joonie!" the man exclaims and promptly jumps at him, drawing a hearty laugh out of Namjoon. (It's a nice sound, Yoongi thinks.)

"Thank you, Hobi," Namjoon replies, confirming Yoongi's prior deduction.

"They're always like this," Seokjin tells Yoongi while the other two are occupied with each other, to which Yoongi nods.

"I figured as much, based on what Namjoon told me."

"He probably told you something like 'Hoseok is my sunshine who can do no wrong and Jin is annoying'."

"Something like that, actually," Yoongi snorts. "Not sure if he tells you that but he also said you should never stop being annoying, so."

"I knew it!" Seokjin screeches once more, which finally draws the attention of the other two.

Before Namjoon's puzzled look can turn into a question, Hoseok already moves to pull Seokjin into a hug to greet him, followed by offering Yoongi his hand much like the oldest did. "Hi, I'm Hoseok! I'm excited to meet you!"

He certainly looks all the parts excited, and Yoongi is convinced that might be something like his default state. It's contagious.

"Likewise," Yoongi returns, tries to mirror the smile that is offered to him.

After that, they all sit down. Namjoon takes the head of the table, whereas Seokjin sits back down to his left and Hoseok next to the oldest. While it felt slightly embarrassing at the time, Yoongi had previously asked Namjoon if he could sit close to him — just, you know, for the nerves. Of course, Namjoon was more than happy to agree, so Yoongi settles on the seat by Namjoon's right and across from Seokjin.

It's Jeongguk who arrives next, right on time at 6 sharp, while Taehyung and Jimin arrive together about 10 minutes late.

"They're always late," Namjoon told Yoongi while Seokjin and Hoseok debated over a bet they had made that Hoseok apparently just lost.

In any case, Yoongi is introduced to the three and soon they're all complete. Jimin ends up next to him, of course, with Taehyung on Jimin's other side and Jeongguk lands next to Hoseok.

All in all, it's not as scary as Yoongi thought it would be. The 5 of them are lively indeed, but not in a way that feels overwhelming.

Once they've all ordered, they fall into easy conversations, and Yoongi mostly listens for the first while. Every now and then, they turn towards him with a question about whatever topic they're discussing — like when Seokjin asks his opinion on seafood all the while Namjoon tries to argue that they're not food but friends.

He falters a little when they ask about him because he's never good at telling anybody things about himself, but Namjoon is quick to jump in once more and starts dropping so-called fun facts about Yoongi that certainly make him look better than he could represent himself.

Still, It's casual, there's no pressure and Yoongi feels a bit like this must be a dream because there's no way all of this is really working out smoothly.

They've just started eating when Namjoon's phone starts to ring, drawing his attention.

"Oh, my mom's calling," he announces, getting up from his seat. "I gotta go take that real quick."

And just like that, Namjoon disappears from the table and out the door.

Yoongi didn't anticipate the anxiety that follows. It's silly, but Namjoon's presence right next to him apparently did more to ease his nerves than he thought it did, the prospect of being alone with people he's only known for an hour making him nervous all over again.

Absentmindedly, he fidgets with a keychain attached to his bag next to him on the floor and listens to the others. Taehyung is excitedly recounting his progress on his current art project — right, the guy is currently majoring in art — before suddenly switching the topic in between breaths to bring up Jeongguk's photography assignment.

The youngest looks surprised at first, then pouts, lamenting that he's currently stuck on what he wants to do for it. Hoseok and Seokjin chime in at that, asking questions and proposing ideas.

"Hey," a voice suddenly pipes up next to him and it's only then that he realizes Jimin is addressing him rather than listening to the conversation like everybody else.

Yoongi looks at him and feels like he's been caught doing something illegal.

Gently and only for the two of them to hear, Jimin asks, "Everything good?"

"Um," Yoongi croaks, blinking a few times at the unexpected question. "Yeah?"

Internally, he cringes at how uncertain his reply comes. (It is, at the very least, a reply at all.)

Jimin smiles at him and it is so soft that it makes Yoongi feel somewhat comforted. "It's okay to be nervous, you know. Nobody's gonna bite your head off."

It's a simple statement, and one Yoongi technically knows already, but it....feels incredibly good to hear. That it's okay. He knows he doesn't need to be nervous, but hearing someone tell him it's okay regardless means a lot to him.

Namjoon was right when he said Jimin was incredibly empathetic — it's impressive for someone to figure out just what Yoongi needs to hear in such a short amount of time. Briefly, Yoongi wonders if Jimin was sat next to him on purpose.

Yoongi opens his mouth to speak, hesitates for a second. Jimin is patient.

"Thank you," he replies ultimately, making Jimin's smile wider.

Whatever Jimin thought of saying next gets cut off when Hoseok suddenly says, "Ah, Yoongi-hyung!"

That gets everyone's attention, which is then shifted onto him. It makes him squirm just a little bit. (It's okay to be nervous, he reminds himself.)

"Yes?"

"So, you're a producer," Hoseok starts, which he simply confirms with a nod. "I need to know how you managed to convince Namjoon to make music again."

Yoongi blinks in confusion. "I...don't think I did anything to convince him?"

Hoseok looks confused now, too. "But— Like, how? What did you do?"

"I—" he starts, unsure, "I just...asked him for help on a song, once. Because he had told me he used to write songs. So, uh, he wrote me a verse. And it was good. So I used it. That's what happened."

Hoseok's jaw drops like he saw a ghost. "No fucking way."

"That's certainly quite the surprise," Seokjin chimes in now, seeming heavily in thought.

"Why? I— Was that wrong?" Yoongi questions in return, still unable to tell what direction this conversation is going in.

Quickly, Hoseok shakes his head, "No, no, not at all. It's just...Namjoon has been saying he quit for good. For years. There was no getting through to him at all."

"I tried to coax him into making some music once and he didn't talk to me for like two weeks after that," Taehyung adds, "which was a shame 'cuz, as an artist, I hate to see another artist so detached from their craft. I mean, for people like us, our art is like an extra limb, so—"

"I love you, Tae, but I don't think that's the point right now," Jimin interrupts, to which the other huffs but doesn't retaliate.

"The point is that nobody has been able to talk to Namjoon about music in years. Just bringing up the topic has been the equivalent of poking a sleeping bear with a stick. Which, you know, not fun."

"Jin-hyung's right," Hoseok continues, expression growing unnaturally somber. "I've known Joonie since we were little kids. He used to love music more than anything and always said he was going to pursue it for the rest of his life, but then we grew older and one day he suddenly told me he was quitting music altogether. He said he changed his mind and that he realized it would be better if he did something else but I never really believed him...not that he ever told me the truth."

"And then a few months ago he suddenly texted us a link to a song and told us he wrote some of the lyrics for it. It came out of nowhere, none of us could believe it."

Hoseok nods at Jimin's words, leaning back in his seat with a sigh, "I thought he was fucking with us at first. But then I listened to your song and it just...it was exactly like something he would write."

"And then," Taehyung says dramatically, placing his hands on the table and slightly rising from his chair. "He suddenly announced that you asked him to feature on the song and that he agreed. That's when we really lost it."

"I haven't heard Namjoon rap in 10 years. When I heard the final product for the first time, I cried like a baby."

"I can confirm, I was there," Seokjin adds, to which Hoseok shoots him an offended look.

"You were also crying!"

"I only cried because you did!

"You started crying first!"

"You have no way to prove that!"

"Oh, but I get scolded for getting off track?" the art student butts in, effectively stopping the two across from Yoongi from bickering.

"What I really wanted to say is that Namjoon has been different since he met you. Better. Happier," Hoseok ultimately tells him. "You saved him, in ways none of us could."

And Yoongi doesn't know how to react to this information, at all.

He had no idea. Well, of course he knew that Namjoon had stopped making music years ago and it was nice watching him regain some of that passion as of late. He also knew it was kind of a sensitive topic for him, some difficult feelings attached to it.

But he had no idea it was something of this scale — that he had apparently done something special by getting Namjoon to write again that none of his other friends seemed to succeed at.

You saved him, rings in his head.

He wants to shake his head, say no. There's no way. It's not him who saved Namjoon, it's been the other way around this whole time.

Namjoon is the one who saved Yoongi.

The words don't form on his tongue, though.

Processing all this information feels overwhelming, too much so to think of an adequate response to what has just been revealed to him. He's prepared to just stare at the others in disbelief until they realize that this is getting awkward when the situation is suddenly broken up by Namjoon's reappearance.

"Did I miss anything?" Namjoon asks innocently as he settles back into his seat and Yoongi would laugh if what just transpired felt any less monumental to him.

The other five swiftly manage to cover up the prior conversation, falling back into regular banter and progressing the evening as normal. Yoongi chooses just to listen for the next while, but nobody seems bothered by it.

Seokjin has to leave early at some point, mentioning something about an important work meeting early the next morning and Yoongi feels a little sorry that he doesn't know what the oldest does for work. He remembers Namjoon saying they met in college due to studying the same degree, but that's about it. At least, he gives the other a proper goodbye.

Part of him feels a little relieved. Not because Seokjin left— the guy is great, much like the rest of them, but now Yoongi would feel less awkward about leaving if he felt the need to. He knows Namjoon told him it wouldn't be an issue if he left whenever he felt like it, but there's just something that feels so wrong to him about being the first to go. But by this point he would no longer be the first, which somehow adds to easing his tension.

One thing he observes after that is how almost everyone gets progressively drunker. Namjoon has automatically moved over to Seokjin's empty seat, animatedly discussing things with Hoseok that don't seem to make much sense whenever Yoongi tries to listen in. Jimin and Taehyung are completely absorbed with each other, which already no longer comes as a surprise to him, the two lost in their own world.

Yoongi has decided not to drink tonight. Experience has taught him that the alcohol doesn't really help him relax in these kinds of situations, much less loosen his tongue, as they say. If anything, it only makes him more anxious and the lack of control doesn't help.

The only other person who is sober by this point is Jeongguk — he said something about an early lecture the next morning — who is currently getting up from his seat and rounding the table until he's pretty much standing next to Yoongi.

"Can I sit?" he asks while gesturing to the empty seat that was previously occupied by Namjoon.

Yoongi nods without hesitation, belatedly adding, "Yeah, of course."

Jeongguk offers a relieved smile in response before sitting down with Yoongi. "Everyone else is already way too drunk to hold a decent conversation with, so I figured I would come over. We can build, like, the sober alliance, you know?"

Yoongi snorts at Jeongguk's explanation, "The sober alliance?"

With vigor, the youngest nods. "We gotta fight back against shameless PDA," he starts, pointing at Taehyung and Jimin before turning to Namjoon and Hoseok, "and endless chattering."

And, well, Yoongi doesn't disagree, though neither of them are actually bothered by the others' drunk shenanigans.

"Also, are you still eating these?" Jeongguk asks, abruptly changing the topic as he now points at the leftover pieces of lamb on Yoongi's plate. Yoongi barely shakes his head when the other immediately continues, "Then, can I have them?"

"So you had an ulterior motive behind our alliance," Yoongi teases, "you really just wanted my food."

At that, Jeongguk's face turns red. "That's— That's not...I was just wondering—"

"Don't worry, I'm just messing around, Jeongguk-ah. Here," he pushes the plate towards the other, "sober lamb alliance."

"Oh," the youngest relaxes, then breaks into a grin and what Yoongi can only describe as a happy wiggle. "Thank you."

They don't talk a ton after that, but not in a bad way. Yoongi is certainly content simply observing the others and it seems that Jeongguk is perhaps similar to him in that regard.

Jeongguk does speak up at some point, prefacing his words by admitting it isn't something he's explicitly told the others and that he's not entirely sure why he's telling Yoongi in that moment. "I'm not great at making friends. I kind of expected to go through college, like, by myself, you know? But then Taehyung came up to me and, well...now I'm here. It's silly, but it's really nice. Even just watching them makes me feel...included. Not lonely, I guess is what I'm saying."

And Yoongi finds himself understanding Jeongguk. He really does. "I don't think it's silly at all," Yoongi responds after a moment. "Feeling lonely sucks, so it is nice to be here."

It's a statement to Jeongguk, but perhaps also one to himself. When he thinks about it, this is nice. It's nerve-wracking in some ways, still, but Yoongi finds himself at ease more than he expected.

So, yeah, it is really nice. Yoongi feels confident they both agree on that.

Still, the time passes quickly and before they know it, it has gotten quite late. By 11 pm they decide to wrap things up slowly, Yoongi briefly pondering his surprise that he's made it for this long.

Once they've all paid, they make sure everyone knows how to get home: Jimin and Taehyung insist on just walking home, saying that Jimin's apartment isn't far and Taehyung can just sleep over there. Jeongguk suggests taking Hoseok's car since they live somewhat close to each other, the other quick to agree. That leaves Namjoon and Yoongi, who offers to take the birthday boy home.

And so, after they've all said their goodbyes, Yoongi finds himself on the ride back home with a decently drunk Namjoon in the passenger seat. Namjoon spends most of the time babbling to himself about various things— really just whatever he would discuss while sober except someone pressed x2 on his talking speed. It's endearing to a fault.

It's after Yoongi has helped Namjoon up the stairs to his apartment to make sure he gets there safely that the other finally turns to Yoongi.

"Hyung, there's something I need to tell you," he says with a light slur to his words, while his eyes stare at Yoongi with an intensity he has only come to know whenever Namjoon is deeply absorbed in music. He's grabbed Yoongi's arm, too, less for support and more like he's trying to guarantee that Yoongi stays right there to hear it.

It feels like whatever Namjoon is about to say holds a significance Yoongi isn't ready for.

And he's right.

"Hyung, I really...really like your voice."

Yoongi needs to rephrase his prior thoughts. It feels like what Namjoon just said is a confession. Like it is something Namjoon has agonized over for a long time, yet not had the courage to speak until now. And maybe in any other scenario — if they were different people in the slightest — it would be a simple thing for Namjoon to say and for Yoongi to hear. But this is only that scenario in which such a phrase holds a weight that nearly knocks the wind out of him.

Ironically, he doesn't know what to say to that.

For a moment, they only stare at each other and Yoongi feels like an eternity passes with it.

"It's beautiful," Namjoon presses on when Yoongi doesn't speak, such sincerity tainting his words that it makes Yoongi's heart beat out of his chest.

Subconsciously, he clenches his jaw and thinks about all the people who have looked at him with something like contempt and a lack of understanding whenever the words would not make it past his throat for them to hear.

"It's only possible because it's you," Yoongi finally croaks, so quiet that he isn't even sure if Namjoon heard it— not sure it matters anyway with how drunk the other is. His throat feels dry when he clears it so that he can continue with a firmer voice, "You should get inside."

"Oh, right! You're right," Namjoon agrees cheerily, distracted by Yoongi's suggestion as if they were never talking about something significant in the first place. Instead, he wraps Yoongi into a quick, clumsy hug and then flashes him one of his bright, dimpled smiles. "G'night, 'yung."

Yoongi nods, wishes Namjoon the same and before he knows it, the door to his apartment closes and it's just him in the empty corridor.

There is a lot he has to think about on his way back home.

The next day, Yoongi sleeps in longer than usual. He wakes up once in the morning but still feels utterly exhausted, so he goes right back to sleep and doesn't wake up again until it's nearly afternoon.

When he finally does get up and check his phone, he finds that he's been added to a group chat.

dadjin
Did everyone get home safe?

hobihobi
Yes!!!! Thanks to Jeonggukie <333

tete's mimi
you're texting with way too much energy, shouldn't you have a hangover?
but yes, tae is still sleeping next to me btw

kookie
...didn't Taehyung have a lecture at 12?

tete's mimi
that is between him and god tbh

joontriever
Can't blame Tae, I am so hungover there is no way I would leave the house today
But Yoongi-hyung made sure I got home safe!

Yoongi
can confirm

joontriever
Oh, hi Hyung!

tete's mimi
omg wait we need to give yoongi-hyung a nickname for our chat

hobihobi
I absolutely agree!

joontriever
I vouch it has to be something cat like. Yooncat or something

tete's mimi
omfg you just want him to match with you don't you
fruity

kookie
Hyung last time I checked you are literally matching with Tae

tete's mimi
my point still stands!
either way joon's idea is so basic. yoonkitty sounds way cuter

Yoongi
...do i get any say in this...?

dadjin
The council shall decide your fate, Yoongi-yah

hobihobi
Which means no ^^

Yoongi
chill, i shall await my judgment in this case

joontriever
Oh god Hyung you're gonna enable Seokjin-hyung's dramatic speeches

dadjin
The council director has decided we shall hold a vote to decide Yoongi's forthgoing fate. Vote 1 for 'yooncat' and 2 for 'yoonkitty'. Everyone shall be granted one vote.
I say 1

joontriever
1!

tete's mimi
c'mon it's gotta be 2

hobihobi
I'm sorry Joonie but I have to agree with Jiminie. 2

kookie
...I'm for 1

tete's mimi
GASP
how could you!

joontriever
Ha! I've won!

tete's mimi
hold on tae hasn't voted yet!
what if he says 2

kookie
Something tells me you're gonna bribe him into voting 2

tete's mimi
I would NEVER do such a thing

dadjin
The council has decided. Yoongi's fate shall represent the majority of those present and as such he shall be crowned yooncat going forward, lest he refuse this offer. What do you say, Yoongi-yah?

Yoongi
oh so now i get a choice huh?
i would hate to displease the masses, so i guess i will accept my title

dadjin
Very well. Your fate has thus been sealed

yooncat
awesome, i'll honor the title by doing what cats do best: going back to sleep

tete's mimi
and I'm going to fight all of you (not hobi or yoongi-hyung)

Yoongi chuckles to himself as he keeps reading through the incoming messages. The lot of them are nothing short of entertaining and Yoongi quite enjoys watching them bicker over text, all the while he gets to stay curled up under his cover and not risk much of his energy being depleted by these interactions.

He did enjoy the previous day, much more than he thought he would be able to, and he is so, so relieved by it. There's almost something like pride bubbling in his chest, a feeling that is often so foreign to him. He would go as far as to say he's happy right now, with all that's happened. Still, it's clear that he isn't used to these kinds of things given how completely drained he feels even though he just slept for a solid 10 hours.

It's not long before he receives a text from Namjoon.

Namjoon
Morning Hyung!
Or well...afternoon I guess
I hope yesterday was alright!

Yoongi
it was good
everyone is really nice
honestly it was a lot less scary than i thought it would be
so yeah. it was really good
thank you for inviting me :]

Namjoon
I'm so happy to hear that!! Thank YOU for coming
Sorry I ended up getting pretty drunk oops

Yoongi
nothing to apologize for
how's your head?

Namjoon
Ugh don't get me started
Starting 27 strong by doing absolutely nothing today

Yoongi
lmao same tbh
with all due respect i am so tired

Namjoon
That's fair
You know, this is a silly question but...you don't regret coming do you?

Yoongi
i really don't, i promise
i went back and forth thinking it was a terrible idea the past week but
as it turns out it was more than worth it
so i'm glad i went
i owe you and your friends a lot

Namjoon
You don't owe anyone anything
I'm happy if you're happy, that's all
Besides, they're your friends now too y'know
The council has decided your fate, remember?

Yoongi
right
a certain council member sure was very excited to call me a cat again

Namjoon
I'm innocent!

And that's how their conversation keeps going. Namjoon doesn't bring up what happened in front of his apartment last night and Yoongi has no idea if he was so drunk that he simply doesn't remember or if he doesn't know how to bring it up again. He couldn't blame Namjoon for the latter, seeing as he also doesn't have the guts to ask about the things that are on his mind.

Did you mean it? Can you tell me that again? Were your friends right? Do you think I saved you? Don't you know you saved me? Don't you know I think you're beautiful?

Yoongi thinks about these things, feels them in his throat, but he won't ask. Even if he can, he won't. Even if Namjoon makes it so easy to say things he never could with anyone else, these just aren't the same.

So, he lets them ruminate in his head, not to be spoken out loud.

Yoongi's hands shake as he turns the lock of the bathroom stall, the click of the door lost under the sound of his harsh breathing and the blood rushing through his ears. He feels like there is fire in his veins and a weight pushing against his sternum and he hates it.

There's no way he's having a panic attack in the company bathroom right now.

He presses his back to the door, hoping that the solid pressure is enough of a sensation to focus on, but it doesn't do much for him. His nerves feel too raw, too frayed, and his control is slipping away with every inhale that doesn't quite reach his lungs.

It's basically automatic when he pulls out his phone, hardly thinking as he needs several tries to unlock it before going into his contacts and pulling up Namjoon's number. He's not sure why exactly he's doing this, it just feels like he needs to. And so, he dials said number.

It rings twice before the call connects and he realizes what a stupid idea this is.

"Hi, Hyung!" crackles the familiar voice on the other end, a soothing sound between the cacophony in his head, but he doesn't manage a reply. When he opens his mouth, all that leaves is a choked noise that vaguely sounds like a sob to his own ears, though even that is muffled between his ragged attempts at breathing.

Despite his inability to say anything, Namjoon seems to grasp the situation rather quickly. "Oh, Hyung," he starts again, concern evident this time, "focus on my voice, okay? I'm right here. Try and take a deep breath with me, yeah?"

Yoongi whines, trying to convey that there's no way he can. It's impossible and he feels like he's drowning. Still, Namjoon insists, "I know it's hard, Yoongi, but you've got to breathe. Try to copy me, okay? We'll do it together. You don't have to do it alone."

Logically, he knows Namjoon is right. He wouldn't have called if he didn't think Namjoon was right. So, even though it feels impossible, he tries to listen to the voice on the phone and breathe in tune with the instructions he's given.

It works, somehow, after a while. Yoongi isn't sure how exactly they get there because everything feels much too hazy and it's hard to focus on anything enough to retain it in his memories, but breathing does come easier at some point. Namjoon keeps talking to him, switching to casual conversation once Yoongi's breathing is stable enough on its own.

"I'm by the Han river right now. I got off work early and the weather is really nice so I figured I would take a walk and then I came across these ducks. It looks like a mother with her babies. So, I don't know, I felt like watching them so here I am, sitting by the river and observing a little duck family," Namjoon explains with no rush to his words. There's no obligation for Yoongi to say anything, just the chance to have something he can listen to. It helps. "And then I thought about how many people just walk past these ducks, you know? So busy with life that they can't find the time to look at the simple beauties. I mean, how often have I just walked past a group of cute ducks, right? So. I thought it would be nice to observe them today. Maybe it's silly, but it feels important."

By the time Yoongi feels slightly more human again, he musters the energy to switch to his chat with Namjoon and text him.

Yoongi
don't think that's silly

"Oh," the other startles, pausing briefly. "Hey, there you are. Are you feeling a bit better?"

Yoongi
yeah
thank you
and sorry i called out of nowhere

"You never have to apologize for something like this," Namjoon replies, voice firm yet impossibly gentle at the same time. "Do you wanna talk about what happened? No pressure either way."

Yoongi sighs, wiping his face with his sleeve in hopes it'll make him feel slightly less gross.

Yoongi
had a work meeting at the company today
i wasn't feeling great but i had to go
they asked me a question at some point but i just...i couldn't speak
which they weren't very nice about so
yeah it wasn't great
and now i'm hiding in the company bathroom crying like a little kid and for what lmao

"I'm sorry that happened, Hyung. It's not your fault that they were being ignorant pricks, though, you know?" Namjoon replies, always so full of compassion. The exact opposite of what he'd just witnessed once more. In times like these, Yoongi still doesn't know what he did to deserve someone like Namjoon.

Yoongi
i'm just frustrated
this is so stupid
it's not like this is the first time something like that happened, you'd think i'd get used to it at some point
i felt like i've been making so much progress lately and now look at me

Namjoon huffs as he reads his texts, and Yoongi can imagine the way he shakes his head without actually seeing it. "And you have made great progress, Hyung. You're still allowed to have a bad day, it doesn't change anything about how far you've come. I don't think I've been saying it enough but I'm really proud of you, you know? You should be proud of yourself too."

Again, Yoongi sighs heavily, feeling a fresh wave of tears threatening to escape. He crouches on the floor and buries his head in the crook of his elbow for a moment, pondering Namjoon's words. Again, the other doesn't rush him, just waits patiently until he feels like responding.

It's nice, at least. To have Namjoon, who doesn't judge, not even when he's like this.

Yoongi
i just want to go home

"Do you want me to come pick you up? I think I might not be too far away."

Yoongi
you don't have to go through all that trouble

"It's no trouble at all, Hyung. I would like to do it, if you want."

And, well, Yoongi doesn't have it in him to fight against that. There is a part of him that wants to know why — why Namjoon would bother with all this for Yoongi's sake — but the other part of him is so tired and just wants to feel okay again. The other part of him really, really wants to bask in Namjoon's comforting presence.

So, he sends him his current location.

"That's pretty close! It'll barely take 10 minutes until I'm there, okay?"

Yoongi
okay
thank you

And so, Yoongi waits. Namjoon stays on the phone with him all the while, continuing to talk about random things that he is more than happy to listen to. It makes him think, maybe they do fit together quite well. Somehow, Namjoon always has something to talk about, like his brain has never once stopped coming up with a relentless storm of thoughts he needs to get out somewhere, and Yoongi has long mastered the art of listening and absorbing what people have to say.

Maybe, in the quiet of the corridor in front of Namjoon's apartment that night on his birthday, he should have told him that his voice is beautiful too. Because even though he's hiding in a crappy, semi-public bathroom stall feeling like someone turned him inside out, it's Namjoon's voice that makes him feel like all is not lost.

He will not say it, but he will continue to coax Namjoon into lending his voice for Yoongi's music and hope that alone speaks louder than any of his words could.

"I'm here! I'll wait by the entrance, okay?" Namjoon announces before Yoongi can get lost in his thoughts any further.

He texts a quick confirmation and then the call ends as Yoongi peels himself out of the stall. After washing his face by the sink and pulling his hood over his head, he quickly navigates through the hallways and down the stairs, itching to get away. Once he gets outside, Namjoon is standing a few feet off to the side, already waving at him by the time he spots him.

"Hey again," Namjoon greets with a smile. "Hug?"

Yoongi nods immediately, which is quickly followed by Namjoon wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a comforting embrace. He doesn't think he will ever find the guts to admit it, but he really, really likes Namjoon's hugs. They always make him feel so safe — Namjoon always makes him feel so safe.

Once they part, the other holds out his hand and prompts, "Give me your hand, Hyung."

Yoongi cocks his head to the side, confused as to what the other wants.

"You once said I should hold your hand if you're upset," Namjoon explains, but deflates quickly as he begins retracting his hand. "Ah, unless you were only joking, in which case you can just forget that I said any—"

Yoongi interrupts him by reaching for Namjoon's hand himself, firmly holding on to it to snuff his growing doubts. He is too embarrassed to look at the other when their fingers intertwine, but Namjoon offers a hearty, fond laugh that makes him feel warm.

They walk home together like this: Namjoon never lets go of Yoongi's hand, continuing his rambles the same way he did over the phone. Yoongi spends a good part of their walk thinking about how they must look kind of like a couple to people passing by them, but it's not something that bothers him.

Really, he's just grateful he no longer has to be alone on days like these.

Yoongi is at Namjoon's place along with the rest of Namjoon's — their — friends, as per the younger's request when he invited all of them over for dinner.

It's the first time Yoongi sees the others since Namjoon's birthday, but he doesn't feel nearly as nervous as the first time. They've been talking a lot in the group chat, which is quite convenient for Yoongi as he finds it much easier to share his thoughts freely that way, so it feels like he's been getting to know them at a decent pace.

"There's something I need to tell you guys," Namjoon announces as he stands up from his seat by the time they're almost done eating what was really just takeout since, well, Namjoon cannot cook for the life of him. (Seokjin spent a solid 10 minutes complaining about how Namjoon should have just asked him to come by and cook for everyone, but Namjoon insisted he didn't want anyone else to help.)

Yoongi hasn't missed the fact that Namjoon has been nervous this whole time. He's been itching to ask what's up ever since he got here, but now he supposes he is about to find out the truth behind this get-together.

"So, uh, you know I've kinda been working on music again," he starts, fidgeting with the napkin next to him. With six curious pairs of eyes on him, he radiates more nervous energy than ever and when their eyes meet, Yoongi offers a smile that he hopes is somewhat soothing. "A few weeks ago Yoongi-hyung suggested I should apply for a position at a label, but...well, I was really defensive about it and just dismissed the idea entirely."

This, of course, isn't news to Yoongi. It most certainly is for the rest of the table however, judging by the way they are looking at the two of them. It reminds him of how they looked at him when they told him Namjoon hadn't spoken of music in years.

The anticipating silence feels tense as Namjoon takes a deep breath before continuing, "But...I changed my mind. I applied...for— for a position as a songwriter and, well...I got the job."

For a split second, it is so quiet Yoongi is convinced he can hear everyone's collective heartbeats.

And then all hell breaks loose.

"What?!" Hoseok yells out before he can contain himself, shooting out of his seat as if struck by lightning. "You— what?!"

"You bring all of us together to tell us such huge news and then you wouldn't let me cook for you on the occasion? This is preposterous," Seokjin starts jokingly, though, quite frankly, he looks like he's going to be in tears any second.

"Who cares about the food!" Taehyung interrupts with a screech and a similar bout of energy to Hoseok. "Namjoon-hyung is going to be a songwriter, like, for real!"

"If you'd let me finish, I would have continued to tell Namjoon-ah how proud of him I am right now but—"

Again, Seokjin is interrupted as Hoseok springs into action, practically throwing himself at Namjoon for a hug. Taehyung does the same soon after, quickly followed by Jimin and finally Seokjin as well.

"Get over here!" Taehyung yells in the direction of Yoongi and Jeongguk, the latter finally setting into motion after a moment of hesitancy and then being pulled in Taehyung.

And Yoongi, well, he doesn't know how to act, his mind still hung up on what Namjoon just revealed to them. But everyone is so, so happy in that moment and Yoongi wants nothing more than to get drunk on the feeling so, when Jimin makes some space next to him, Yoongi sees no reason to decline.

And that is how he ends up in a giant cuddle pile with six other people who already treat him like they've been friends forever, celebrating the good news Namjoon has brought. There's a lot of overlapping chatter trying to congratulate Namjoon and at this point Yoongi is sure a few of them are crying, but in this moment it feels like he's in the happiest place on earth.

It is later in the evening — after everyone has grilled Namjoon with a dozen questions — that Yoongi actually gets to talk to Namjoon. He's taking a momentary breather on the balcony watching the sunset when the door slides open and Namjoon's head pops through. "Can I join you?"

"Of course, Joon-ah," Yoongi responds with a smile, which the other mirrors as he steps outside and slides the door shut behind him.

"I hope the others weren't too pushy or anything," Namjoon says with somewhat of an apologetic look, always so considerate even when he should be busy being the one celebrated.

Yoongi shakes his head, "They're just excited, and rightfully so. I'm really happy for you, you know."

"Thank you," he says sheepishly, "I couldn't have done it without you."

That, again. Everyone acting like it's Yoongi who made all this happen.

"What made you change your mind?" Yoongi asks, curious. It's the first question that came to mind the moment Namjoon told them, with the stark contrast to when he refused even the idea of an application still fresh on his mind.

For a moment, Namjoon doesn't reply, just looking at the grand sky before them. And then, when his gaze sweeps back to Yoongi, "You came to my birthday."

Yoongi blinks in confusion. "What?"

"That's what changed my mind," he elaborates, voice so serious Yoongi knows he isn't trying to crack a joke. "I applied the next day."

And now Yoongi is absolutely no longer following Namjoon, simply staring at him with the most puzzled look he's probably ever worn because the dots won't connect. Namjoon must read as much in his face because he sighs, then averts his gaze.

"The truth is, I was a coward this whole time. The reason I stopped pursuing music...it was because I was scared. I kept asking myself so many questions— What if it doesn't work? What if nobody likes my music? What if I don't manage to get a stable job? What if I disappoint my parents? What if I stop enjoying music? Things like that, I couldn't stop thinking about them. And it was just— too much, and I gave up. I went for a business degree not because it made me happy but because I was too scared to fail at what could have made me happy. It was just the safer option. And I guess, I realize now, I've always been like that...running away from anything that scared me and shutting my eyes in front of it like that would change anything," Namjoon explains, then pauses for a while. Yoongi doesn't say anything because it's clear that the other has more to share.

"And then I met you. And you...you admit to your fears and you say there is a lot you are scared of but...in all the time I've known you, you have never let that stop you. Every time you're scared of something, you do it anyway. There's— you once told me if you're scared, then do it scared and I couldn't stop thinking about that because it was the exact opposite of how I've been living my life up to this point. You called yourself a coward but in reality I think you're the bravest person I have ever met. Between the two of us, the coward has always been me," briefly, Namjoon looks back at him with a somber smile. "When you came to my birthday and then you told me you were glad you went afterward, that made me really happy. But I also thought, fuck, I have wasted years worth of good opportunities just because I was so fucking spineless when it came to my own life. I couldn't stand myself, and so...I thought I had to be more like you and just try. That's how I applied."

It is quiet for a long while after that. For as easy as Namjoon makes it to talk to him, he also has quite the talent for leaving Yoongi speechless. Never once has Yoongi considered that he has done anything remotely special since meeting Namjoon, not until their friends suddenly tried to convince him of the opposite.

And here Namjoon is, practically confirming just that.

You saved him, sounds in his head once more.

Yoongi still wants to disagree.

"It's only possible because it's you," he echoes much the same way he did after Namjoon's confession, though he doesn't look to see if this is met by any kind of recognition from the other. "That I've been able to face my fears. I'm the one who couldn't have done it without you."

"Hyung, with all due respect, I'm convinced you would have done just as well even if we never met," the other counters, but his voice has taken a more light-hearted tone again. "Whatever may be the truth, I'm just glad I met you. And that we have each other."

"Me too," he blurts back immediately, "and I'm proud of you, seriously. Facing your fears is hard as fuck."

Namjoon laughs, "You tell me."

"But I know you're going to do really great and it's gonna pay off. With your talent, I have no doubt you'll succeed."

"I think I needed to hear that," the other admits sheepishly. "Thank you. For everything."

And maybe, thanks to Namjoon's words, he is feeling especially brave in this moment, because he reaches out for Namjoon's hand and takes it. Technically it's only been a few days since they've held hands, but it's different this time.

It's the 'thank you for everything, too' that Yoongi doesn't speak, but Namjoon understands when their fingers intertwine once more.

By now, the sky is being tinted orange, a warm evening glow casting around them. It gives him an idea.

"I think I've found my answer," Yoongi hums as he watches blue intertwine with orange the same way their hands do. "My color, I think it might be orange."

Namjoon, too, observes the sky. "It's beautiful," he says, and in that moment Yoongi thinks he must remember his confession after all. "It fits you. The color of courage and warmth."

"I thought courage was red."

"Hm, I think it should be orange. Fits way better."

Yoongi laughs, from the bottom of his heart, "I'll take your word for it."

And so, as the sky is sure to bleed blue and orange as one anew every day, Yoongi knows fear cannot stop them for as long as they remain bound together.