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“Going somewhere?” Alhaitham questions in a lazy drawl. He’s leaning against the doorframe with crossed arms and raised brows.
“No.” Kaveh’s reply comes too quickly to be the truth.
Alhaitham sees right through him and pointedly glances between the shirt crumpled in Kaveh’s hands and the open suitcase laying by his feet.
Kaveh shuts his eyes and prays for Celestia to strike him down where he stands.
This is exactly what he’d been trying to avoid.
He’s never necessarily shied away from confrontations with Alhaitham but in this instance, Kaveh can’t bring himself to face the other man.
Instead Kaveh immediately hides the shirt behind his back, smiling innocently like the half-packed suitcase on the ground isn’t damning evidence enough.
Briefly, the blond wonders if he can discretely kick the suitcase under his bed; these hopes are swiftly crushed by Alhaitham’s unimpressed stare.
It’s like the grey-haired man knows what Kaveh’s going to do before Kaveh even knows himself.
Curse this man and his insufferable perceptiveness, Kaveh thinks to himself bitterly. Very little escaped the notice of the hawkeyed scribe. This, Kaveh knew very well after years of being in the other man’s presence.
“So you’re just packing your suitcase for nothing.” Alhaitham’s tone is so dry and inflectionless that Kaveh can’t tell if he’s asking a question or stating a fact.
Obviously, Kaveh’s only choice of action is to deflect. “Astute as ever, I see. Will you point out the colour of the sky next?”
Alhaitham’s gaze remains just as unimpressed as before.
The blond wrings his hands together. It’s a nervous habit from his childhood that he never outgrew, despite his best attempts to stop.
Kaveh sighs; he’s not sure why he tried in the first place. Even in their youth, Alhaitham had never fallen for deliberately provocative words. He’s always been too level-headed and mature to be goaded by cutting remarks.
Alhaitham pushes off the doorframe and starts walking towards the living room. He turns his head to look back at Kaveh; those teal eyes beckon Kaveh to follow.
The pair then silently stand in their living room, each of them waiting for the other person to speak first.
Something tells Kaveh that Alhaitham won’t initiate the conversation and so Kaveh opens his mouth to begrudgingly bite the bullet.
“Look, I just need some space.” He says tersely. It comes out harsher than Kaveh intends and he’s a little afraid to see his roommate’s reaction.
“You need space.” Alhaitham repeats flatly. From me, goes unsaid.
It’s the elephant in the room that apparently, neither of them is willing to address.
Perhaps Kaveh is being cowardly by running away but he’s had enough; living day-after-day in the same house as the man he loves is torture.
He’s not a masochist and he can’t subject himself to the agony of unrequited love any longer.
If Tighnari were here, he’d urge Kaveh to reconsider his interpretation of their relationship. Has Kaveh ever actually talked to Alhaitham about his feelings? How can he be sure that his affection isn’t returned?
But Kaveh doesn’t need to hear a verbal rejection to know that his love is one-sided. It’s written in their interactions with each other.
Alhaitham berates him so often that it feels like every conversation is just more fuel for the fire of their burning friendship.
And Kaveh can’t seem to do anything right. He’s just a nuisance to Alhaitham—it’s been this way ever since their falling out all those years ago.
So maybe it is cowardly, but Kaveh would rather leave now while his heart is still intact and before whatever’s left of their fragile bond is completely lost.
Alhaitham’s voice cuts through the silence and breaks Kaveh out of his dismal reverie.
“When are you coming back?”
There’s something strange about the way Alhaitham asks the question that makes Kaveh hesitate for a moment.
The man sounds almost sad that Kaveh is leaving but Kaveh immediately banishes the thought. He’s being optimistic to a delusional degree; it’s exactly why he has to leave.
He can’t keep holding onto the hope that Alhaitham cares.
“I don’t know.” Kaveh answers honestly. Even to his own ears, his voice sounds small and pitiful.
Alhaitham visibly swallows and Kaveh has to avert his gaze from the motion.
Over the course of their acquaintance, Kaveh has learned all of the younger man’s tells. He hates that he knows exactly when Alhaitham is falling apart—he hates that this time, Kaveh’s the reason for it.
“Were you just going to leave without saying goodbye?” Alhaitham seems calm while asking the question but there’s no mistaking the quiet anger simmering in his tone.
Alhaitham isn’t happy and Kaveh can only wince in lieu of a proper reply. Unfortunately, this only seems to make Alhaitham even angrier.
It’s cruel to ask such a question when they both already know the answer. Kaveh chose to pack when he knew that Alhaitham would still be at work. If the scribe hadn’t unexpectedly finished early then—
Well, did the hypothetical scenarios even matter anymore? Alhaitham had come home early and discovered Kaveh haphazardly throwing clothes and other necessities into his suitcase.
There’s no use dwelling on the what ifs.
Kaveh’s been caught in the act and now he has to face the consequences.
He sighs and roughly passes a hand over his face. “Why do you care anyway? I’ll finally be out of your hair so you won’t have to deal with me anymore. No more sleepless nights with me banging away at my desk, no more dragging my drunk ass back from the Tavern on the weekends either.
“I won’t impose on your perfectly peaceful lifestyle anymore. You can even fill this place up with as much hideous furniture as you want and I won’t be around to complain at you for it.”
It hurts Kaveh to speak so callously, to only give half of the reason for why he’s leaving but Kaveh can’t bring himself to say anything more.
Life has put him through the wringer and Kaveh’s fought hard to stay true to himself, to be courageously kind and unwaveringly passionate despite every hardship but this is one battle that he’s not willing to fight yet.
He just isn’t ready to be rejected by the man he loves.
Alhaitham’s been watching him quietly this whole time. The grey-haired man’s expression is closed off and distant like he’s looking at a stranger and not his friend of eight years.
“Is that really what you think I want?” Alhaitham asks coldly.
A shiver races down Kaveh’s spine and the hairs on the back of his neck go rigid.
“You’ve never suggested otherwise.” Comes Kaveh’s equally cool retort.
Something changes in Alhaitham’s eyes. There’s a flicker of something that looks suspiciously like hurt before it disappears, replaced by a hard glint and a stormy expression.
“Fine. If that’s how you really feel then leave.” Alhaitham says tersely.
His jaw is tensed like he’s gritting his teeth together and seeing it wounds Kaveh’s heart a little. That’s another face that Alhaitham makes when he’s trying not to cry.
Kaveh quickly casts his eyes to the ground and makes a beeline for his bedroom. He needs to finish packing.
As much as Kaveh would like to take everything with him he knows that he can’t for two reasons.
Firstly, his suitcase is small and doesn’t have the physical capacity to store all his belongings. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, Kaveh can’t bring himself to take everything anyway. Taking everything would mean that he intends to leave without ever coming back.
And so Kaveh packs only his essentials with shaking hands, folding clothes and placing them into his suitcase robotically. He’s on autopilot now, he doesn’t think he’d be able to finish packing if he wasn’t.
It doesn’t take very long for the suitcase to be fully packed. As he zips up the suitcase Kaveh’s hands are no longer trembling but his head still feels so far away from his body.
He stands stiffly with none of his usual grace and walks back into the living room, slowly dragging the suitcase behind him.
Alhaitham hasn’t moved from his position in the living room. He’s still standing there with square shoulders and balled up fists, clenching so tightly that Kaveh can see the white of his knuckles even through the dark mesh of his gloves.
He doesn’t look at Kaveh until the blond lightly clears his throat. Their eyes meet and Kaveh sees that flicker of hurt again but for longer this time.
It makes Alhaitham look so much younger than he already is, and it makes Kaveh feel so much worse than he already does.
They break eye-contact at the same time.
It’s like neither of them can stand to see the other in such anguish.
Does it really have to be like this? Kaveh gnaws on his lower lip as he continues to stare at the ground. The voice in his head is hopeful and encouraging. What if I just told him everything? What if I said I didn’t want to leave, not now and not ever because I love him and—
What if you stopped being selfish and left so Alhaitham can finally have his peace back? The colder, more pragmatic facet of his inner monologue cuts in sharply.
Kaveh inwardly flinches, mentally recoiling at the brutality of the truth.
He’s been selfish for so long, encroaching on Alhaitham’s life and generosity for all these years with nothing to offer in return but his love and his company.
How could that ever be enough?
Kaveh steels his resolve and walks steadily—or as steadily as he can—to the front of their home.
He places his golden key in the little bowl that they keep next to their door. It drops into the ceramic dish with a quiet ‘clink’ that echoes through the silence of their home.
This is it. The part when the roommates should amicably say their goodbyes, parting with a polite handshake or maybe even a hug if only Kaveh could be so lucky.
But there are no warm words or affectionate gestures, only silence and stillness ensue. Kaveh tries to speak but the words keep dying on the tip of his tongue if they don’t catch in his throat first.
In the end, nothing leaves Kaveh’s lips and Alhaitham doesn’t say anything either.
Kaveh opens the door and for a second, he feels every fibre of his body protesting his departure.
His legs suddenly feel like lead and a heavy weight settles over Kaveh’s shoulders, anchoring him to the spot and making it so much harder to take the first step out the door and leave.
What’s worse is his aching heart. It bleeds raw in his chest, woefully compelling him to reconsider.
It’s clear that no part of Kaveh genuinely wants to leave but what does that matter when Alhaitham hasn’t asked him to stay?
The thought makes Kaveh tighten his grip around the doorknob. There’s no time to mull over the question; he can’t stand here with his suitcase forever. Kaveh exhales shakily and forces his feet to start moving.
He’s already halfway out the door but the blond still can’t help but cast one final glance in Alhaitham’s direction before he leaves.
What he sees both breaks his heart and cements his earlier beliefs.
Kaveh meant what he said earlier, about not needing to hear a verbal rejection from Alhaitham.
Kaveh doesn’t need a verbal rejection to know that his love is unrequited because Kaveh’s always looking at Alhaitham, but Alhaitham’s hardly ever looking back.
It’s late in the evening when Kaveh finally makes it to the outskirts of Gandharva Ville. Cyno and Tighnari are already waiting for him when he arrives.
The white-haired man pats Kaveh on the back twice before gently prying his grip from the handle of his suitcase. Cyno nods at them both and then leaves to take Kaveh’s suitcase up to Tighnari’s house.
The silent kindness reminds Kaveh of another light-haired man and it’s enough to bring the sting of tears to his eyes all over again.
With tears beginning to blur his vision, Kaveh hears more than sees Tighnari’s approach.
A soft sigh, the crunch of boots against the ground, and then Kaveh’s being enveloped into a warm hug.
Kaveh immediately wraps his arms around Tighnari before his knees can give out from underneath him. A quiet sob leaves his lips as he tightly clings to Tighnari’s shoulders; Kaveh’s glad that there’s no one awake to witness the pathetic scene.
Tighnari keeps holding him for a while, gently swaying them back and forth until the sobs stop wracking Kaveh’s body and he feels a little more like a person and less like a broken faucet.
“Come on, let’s get you inside.” Tighnari says as he starts ushering Kaveh towards his house. “You’ll feel better after a hearty dinner and a good sleep.”
Kaveh’s stomach rumbles in agreement to Tighnari’s words.
Thankfully he’s too tired to feel embarrassed and even if were wide awake, there’s no room for mortification in the tender company of his dear friend.
The pair share a quick laugh before ascending the ramp where Cyno and a warm meal await them.
The next morning comes much too quickly and brings with it conversations that Kaveh had been hoping to avoid.
He already knows exactly what Tighnari and Cyno will say.
Kaveh’s heard it all before—he’s heard it as recently as two weeks ago when he first broached the idea of moving out to Tighnari who had been just as concerned then as he is now.
“Are you sure that moving out was the best thing to do?” Tighnari asks gently but firmly because he wants Kaveh to really consider the circumstances leading up to his decision to leave.
Kaveh purses his lips and resists the urge to rub his temples irately. “You guys don’t understand. Even if I wanted to stay, I was just causing trouble for him and he was clearly fed up with me.”
Tighnari and Cyno share a disbelieving look.
Kaveh sighs before giving them an example. “The other week this nice man at Lambad’s paid for my drinks and even offered to let me rent a room in his inn for a discounted fee if I provided my services to him weekly!
“The man looked confused when I asked him what kind of architectural structure required weekly servicing though. Anyway, I told Alhaitham about it and the scowl on his face was terrifying.
“Then Alhaitham walked back into the Tavern and told the guy that if he ever “propositioned” me or anyone else like that again then his illegal business would be the least of his problems. I have no idea what Alhaitham was talking about but I haven’t seen that other guy since.”
Kaveh finishes his story and looks at his friends expectantly. He’s waiting for them to offer commiserating looks or even just understanding nods.
What he actually gets is a deadpan stare from Cyno and a frustrated facepalm from Tighnari.
“Poor Alhaitham,” The Forest Watcher sighs. “He’s been going through this for so long.”
And then now, of all times, Cyno offers a commiserating nod but not for Kaveh. “Yeah, poor Alhaitham.”
Kaveh’s incredibly confused by their reactions.
The bewilderment must show on his face because Tighnari laughs as he says: “Let me break it down for you in simple facts because while you might be one of the most brilliantly intelligent people in Sumeru, you’re also one of the most oblivious.”
Kaveh jaw drops slightly in offence. He’s oblivious?
Personally, while he knows he’s not as ruthlessly shrewd as other people, he likes to think that he’s a very astute individual.
And he’d argue that his astuteness goes past his keen eye for design; Kaveh’s observant in many respects and he wouldn’t be an excellent critical thinker if he wasn’t also very perceptive.
He opens his mouth to protest against Tighnari’s words but his friend silences him with a hand.
“Romantically oblivious.” Tighnari amends his statement to placate the affronted blond, placing extra emphasis on the first word. “You are astoundingly oblivious when it comes to romance and you never know when someone has feelings for you.”
Yeah, okay.
Tighnari has him there.
“Alright, that’s true.” Kaveh reluctantly concedes but also: “How am I supposed to know if someone’s interested in me if they never say anything?!”
Apparently even Tighnari and Cyno used to have crushes on Kaveh back when they first became friends. Kaveh never knew about it until the pair had drunkenly admitted their past attraction one night.
He distantly recalls that Alhaitham had fallen strangely silent after Tighnari and Cyno confessed. His mood didn’t improve for the whole evening and he’d even dragged Kaveh home early, much to the blond’s frustration.
Alhaitham refused to say anything during the walk home and so Kaveh went to bed without answers that night. The next morning Kaveh woke up to a lovely breakfast prepared by Alhaitham himself, a wordless apology that Kaveh was glad to accept.
Tighnari’s laugh snaps Kaveh back to the present. “We’ll get to that in a bit. I’m going to tell you some facts first and I know you’ll want to disagree but please don’t interrupt until I’m finished, alright?”
Kaveh nods his assent. He’s not sure what Tighnari’s going to say but he’ll listen to everything dutifully because the other man has always offered valuable insights.
“Firstly, that sleazy guy at the tavern was trying to solicit you for his illegal brothel. If I ever see him then I’ll break all the bones in his body myself.” Tighnari threatens with a blithe nonchalance that’s equally as attractive as it is terrifying.
Kaveh definitely understands why Cyno’s so smitten with the Forest Watcher.
Speaking of Cyno, the man’s expression is dark as he cracks his knuckles menacingly. “We’ll bury him for his grave mistake.”
“Moving on,” Tighnari ignores Cyno’s pun to continue speaking. “Alhaitham is a very possessive man. No one ever confesses to you because he’s been propagating a narrative that the two of you are practically married.”
“And no one wants to anger the Scribe who’s in charge of approving their funding requests; they’d be flirting with danger if they asked you out.” Cyno finishes with yet another joke.
Tighnari sends him a flat look before turning to Kaveh seriously. “Alhaitham likes taking care of you. He’s learned all your favourite recipes because he thinks it’s adorable when you stuff your cheeks like a chipmunk.
“And Alhaitham likes spoiling you. He buys bottles of your favourite wine instead of his own because whatever’s in his cup tastes infinitely better as long as you’re smiling.”
Tighnari continues to outline all the ways in which Alhaitham has been implicitly conveying his affection.
Alhaitham brings Kaveh home from the Tavern because he wants to ensure his safety.
Alhaitham buys ugly furniture because he wants Kaveh to get angry and demand that the pair of them go shopping together next time.
Alhaitham lectures Kaveh about working on his projects all night because he’s worried about Kaveh’s health and the inevitable fatigue he’s bound to face if he isn’t sleeping properly.
There are so many more instances of Alhaitham caring for Kaveh and every sentence makes the blond’s cheeks grow warmer. Each instance is indicative of just how much Alhaitham’s been silently loving him this entire time.
“You aren’t a nuisance or a hindrance or any other negative word you want to call yourself because Alhaitham loves you. He’s loved you since our Akademiya days and yes, he’s never asked you to stay but he’s never asked you to leave either.
“Alhaitham loves you. He loves having you in his home and his life, Kaveh.” Tighnari concludes.
Kaveh feels his heart swell with affection again but there’s still a niggling doubt in his brain. A cold voice insisting that none of this can be true and his friends are just as delusional as he is.
The blond instinctively tucks his knees to his chest, curling in on himself defensively.
A wry smile lifts the corners of Tighnari’s mouth. “You look like you don’t believe me.”
When Kaveh only shakes his head in response, Tighnari places a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“Well, if you don’t believe it from me then maybe you’ll believe it from Alhaitham himself.” Tighnari says while patting Kaveh on the back. “Because that’s all straight from Alhaitham’s mouth after he got drunk during that TCG night you missed since you were on a desert expedition.”
“He’s telling the truth.” Cyno chimes in. He smiles at Kaveh encouragingly first but then his expression sours into a grimace. “Alhaitham spilled wine all over his TCG cards and then started rambling about how it was fine because at least they’d be stained with your favourite wine.”
Kaveh knows it must be true because he remembers.
He remembers coming home from the expedition and asking why some of Alhaitham’s cards were stained a mahogany red.
He remembers how Alhaitham had blushed and refused to answer.
“Well? Don’t you think it’s time that you ask him for yourself?” Tighnari asks with a smile.
The question may as well have been rhetorical because Kaveh’s already thinking about how fast he’ll need to run to get back to Sumeru City before sundown.
Then Cyno is pressing a spare key into Kaveh’s hand; it’s a copy that Alhaitham had given to Cyno and Tighnari respectively in case of an emergency.
Kaveh takes it gratefully. He thanks both of his friends for their support before he sprints out the door and flies down the path leading back to the city.
He needs to go home and he needs to talk to Alhaitham.
Kaveh leaves his suitcase with Cyno because the other man had offered to bring it to him the next day when he’d also return to Sumeru City for a Matra meeting.
Without the luggage slowing him down, Kaveh makes it back to his and Alhaitham’s house in record time.
He shoves the spare key that Cyno had given him into the lock and then bursts through the doors with a bang.
Kaveh’s entrance is so loud and sudden that it visibly startles Alhaitham who’d been reading on the divan.
“Kaveh?” Alhaitham sounds shocked as he speaks. “You’re back?”
The man looks so tired like he didn’t sleep a wink last night. His skin is pallid and the dark rings under his eyes are so severe that Kaveh’s heart lurches at the sight of them.
But as drained as he might be, Alhaitham’s teal gaze still softens in relief like he’s glad that Kaveh has returned.
Those gentle eyes must do something to Kaveh’s brain because his whole mind suddenly feels like mush. Kaveh doesn’t trust himself not to say something stupid so he raises a hand and lamely waves his hello instead.
It hits Alhaitham then, that Kaveh’s actually back.
The grey-haired man’s eyes grow wide.
He drops his book and shoots up from the divan, rushing to the front of their house on slightly unsteady feet in his haste to get to Kaveh.
For a second Kaveh thinks that Alhaitham’s going to hug him but the man abruptly stops before he’s even halfway into Kaveh’s personal space.
Then Alhaitham steps back until he's a mere metre away from the blond. Conflict contorts Alhaitham’s features; his eyebrows furrow together and there’s an unhappy twist to his mouth.
He looks like he’s torn between respecting Kaveh’s request for “space” and his own desire to cut through the distance and get closer.
Kaveh feels an immense wave of guilt wash over him.
He wonders how hurt Alhaitham felt last night, wonders if Alhaitham had cast his eyes to Kaveh’s departing figure just as the blond man had averted his own gaze, missing the silent plea to stay entirely.
Neither of them said anything then but Kaveh will be damned if he stays silent now.
“Yes. I’m back. I love you. Do you love me too?” Kaveh awkwardly blurts out each aborted word.
It’s…It’s not what Kaveh exactly intended to say but he’s spoken aloud now; his words hang in the air around them, suspended in the pregnant pause that follows because Alhaitham doesn’t answer straight away.
The grey haired-man seems stunned if his wide eyes and slightly agape mouth is anything to go by. He actually opens and closes his mouth a few times like a fish too.
Ordinarily Kaveh would’ve found it funny but he feels much too anxious to be amused while waiting for Alhaitham’s response.
But Kaveh can’t blame the other man for taking so long to answer.
Kaveh’s confession and subsequent questioning of Alhaitham’s own feelings had been so sudden and the grey-haired man is probably still processing everything.
…
His stomach churns the longer that Alhaitham doesn’t respond. The silence persists for longer than what Kaveh’s comfortable with and suddenly his mouth feels like cotton.
Kaveh’s about to retract his question. He’s about to laugh it off before running straight back to Gandharva Ville to mope into a cup of Padisarah Pudding.
Or maybe he’ll dive off the bridge connecting the main entrance of Sumeru City to the wilderness beyond. That was also a viable option.
But Alhaitham replies before Kaveh can do anything drastic and it’s such an Alhaitham answer that Kaveh feels all the tension immediately drain from his body.
“It took you this long to notice, Senior?” The grey-haired man teases with a wide smile stretching across his face. The grin forms two symmetrical divots on Alhaitham’s cheeks.
Archons help me.
Kaveh has to take a moment to recover from the rare sight of Alhaitham’s dimples. Even on his worst days, the younger man is still outrageously good looking but when he’s smiling like this?
Kaveh thinks that Celestia must be missing an angel.
“Keeping secrets from your Senior isn’t very gracious of you, Junior.” Kaveh quips with a bright grin of his own. It just feels so easy to smile this joyously when he’s with his roommate.
Alhaitham throws his head back laughing and it’s an infectious sound because it makes Kaveh start giggling too.
Then, with that gorgeous, dimpled smile still curling around his mouth, Alhaitham grabs Kaveh’s wrist.
The grey-haired man tugs Kaveh into his arms; Kaveh falls into his embrace willingly.
“What are you talking about, Kaveh?” Alhaitham whispers, still a little breathless from laughing. He pulls Kaveh closer, affectionately touching their foreheads together as he murmurs sweetly: “My love for you has never been a secret.”