Chapter Text
Eddie hates Frank.
Eddie hates therapy.
Eddie hates how he walked out of Frank’s office with a blush so deep it probably penetrated and stained his bones a light, dusty shade of red. Eddie is not just embarrassed, no he is mortified, because the way Eddie has described his relationship with Buck to Frank has apparently led him to conclude they are partners. Not like fire-fighting-partner or your-platonic-coparent partner. Like Eddie-has-problems-emotionally-confiding-in-his-boyfriend kind of partner.
The most pressing problem though? Eddie didn’t correct him. When Frank listened to Eddie talk about Buck with a soft smile, the only smile Frank sees from Eddie during therapy, it’s only natural he would jump to that conclusion. Right? Even when the older man started asking questions like, “what was the moment that made you realize your relationship with Buck was different?” and “how has Shannon and Ana affected your interactions with Buck?”, it didn’t occur to Eddie that those questions are reserved for probing at something more romantic, it just so happened that they applied naturally to the two best friends.
C’mon, two grown men who coparent a child and also mourn romantic failures together tend to be a little attached at the hip. That’s not even mentioning the shared traumatic experiences they go through daily as being first responders. Being extremely intimate with the other person is expected for codependency, okay?
But because when Eddie answers the second question, it decided the theme for the day’s therapy session. Intimacy. Terrifying. Frank is sending him home with homework. The assignment is even more intimating.
The printed piece of paper in his back pocket feels a hot coal when he sits in his car seat. Frank insisted Eddie take the printed-out instructions, probably because he knows Eddie will chicken out if he has to verbally describe the assignment. What even is this assignment, one may ask? Frank described it as being,
“This intimacy exercise includes both people being nude or clothed for comfort and one person touches the other. The person receiving the touch is meant to think about how they feel when they’re touch and what emotions are brought up when they get to certain areas. The goal is communication, and if the person wants one area to have more focus, they can redirect the other’s attention there. Not meant to be sexual so if those instincts or arousal is present, it is meant to be put at bay.”
Eddie knows Frank intends this to be a reflective experience of how he dissociates from his body during sexual intimacy, but all Eddie’s brain is doing is short-circuiting when he thinks about Buck’s hands on him. Buck caressing Eddie’s bare skin? It’s enough to make him clutch his pearls in real life.
Eddie drives home in a daze. When Eddie pulls up to their house, Buck’s Jeep is already in the driveway. He doesn’t get out of the car immediately. He just turns the engine off and sits for a few moments to breathe. When he opens his eyes again, he focuses on the morning sun is breaking through the tree leaves, dappling a pattern on the hood of his truck. He feels brave enough to finally open his car door and enter the house. He’s trying to push the assignment into the furthest corners of his mind, but it keeps nagging its way back into the working part of his brain.
Something must have given away his inner thoughts as he padded into the kitchen and all Buck says is,
“Oof, rough session today?” The blonde is looking over his shoulder at him, wearing comfortable clothing that still somehow accentuates the definition of his muscle. There’s a towel thrown over his shoulder that he always insists on doing as he cooks, to set a good example for Chris as being a ‘future masterchef’. Eddie nods wordlessly as he drops into the island bar seat, and watches as Buck continues to bustle over the stove. The savory scent of omelets filling the air.
This has been a little routine of theirs. Whenever Eddie has a morning therapy session on a weekday, Buck will make brunch for them so Eddie doesn’t get too alone with his thoughts before Chris comes home from school. It’s a comfort, just having another person in the house. Eddie dropped Chris off at school today and because Abuela is picking him up after class for their monthly sleepover, Eddie also paid her a visit to drop off Chris’ clothes. She snuck him a quick cup of cafe con leche and a peck on the cheek before he went to therapy. Eddie really does adore his abuela.
The scraping of a pan stirs Eddie from his haze, and a plate of food appears in front of him. Buck hip checks Eddie in his seat, as he walks around to sit next to him.
“Do you want to talk about how the session went?” Buck’s eyes searches his imploringly, and Eddie was going to avert his eyes until he remembered his assignment. Intimacy. He exhales sharply for a moment as he gazes at his eggs before responding, returning his eyes to Buck’s.
“I would like to.” Eddie chews on his lower lip, thinking about how to continue. Buck being the godsend he is, just waits there patiently as Eddie’s brain cells are fighting over who gets to speak. “I need your help with the assignment Frank gave me.”
Buck’s eyebrow lifts curiously, “Frank gave you homework.” It’s a clarifying statement but it has a humorous lilt to the end, attempting some soft teasing to get Eddie to loosen up. Eddie snorts and responds after chewing,
“Yeah, apparently I need to be assigned emotional homework since I will not digest my emotions. He called me emotionally constipated.” Eddie’s face scrunches as he recalls the memory. Buck barks out a laugh, sometimes caught off guard by the casual delivery. Eddie grins but clarifies, “Frank is a professional, he would never say that to my face but that was what I imagined he wanted to say if he wasn’t speaking therapist-lingo.”
“Well, you interpreted the therapy-jargon well, because you sir,” Buck points a fork at him, “are definitely what they call emotionally constipated.” Eddie only frowns and swats at the other man playfully in response. Buck chuckles then settles enough to ask,
“So what is the big scary assignment you have to do?”
Eddie shuffles uncomfortably in his seat before talking again.
“Obviously I’m not great with intimacy,” Even just talking about it is making him squirm. “but I’m a big boy, I’m talking about it.” He allows himself a moment to pout at the egg crumbs before continuing. “With Ana, whenever we were close together, physically or emotionally intimate, it was never genuine on my part because she was the one who initiated everything. I just wanted to go with the flow, be what she wanted me to be. It’s what I thought I wanted too.”
He exhales and looks up, seeing nothing but care and concern on Buck’s face. The way his eyebrows are furrowed makes a little wrinkle in his birthmark, he wants to reach out to smooth it out. He sighs and continues, doing nothing more than looking at his eyes.
“My relationship with Ana wasn’t good for a variety of reasons. But one of the reasons why it didn’t work out between us is that I didn’t feel entirely comfortable in my body.” He has to look at the wall to continue. “For a long time, I’ve felt like I wasn’t entirely there. Especially from the military and healing from the sniper shot-“ Buck inhales quietly but sharply at the mention, “my body hasn’t felt entirely like mine. The way Frank said it was like, with intimacy, I cannot connect deeply with another person until I feel like I’m in my body when I’m with them. So he suggested an exercise to do with someone I already trust.”
“And you trust me?” It saddens Eddie that Buck always seems so surprised whenever he says he trusts him. Buck just seems to refuse to believe the possibility that somebody cares about him unless otherwise stated.
“Of course, I trust you with Chris.” Eddie states emphatically. Buck shakes his head, “this is different, this is with yourself. Thank you for trusting me. I know it’s hard for you.” Eddie feels his throat start to tighten.
“Well don’t thank me just yet, the assignment might weird you out.” Eddie lets out a forced laugh.
“You’re already weird, I think that ship has sailed.” The blonde teases, but adds on reassuringly, “Hey don’t stress, it’ll be ok. I’ll let you know if I don’t want to do it.” Eddie nods in relent.
He pulls out a printed piece of paper Frank gave to him describing the exercise. Buck takes it and spends a few moments reading it with rapt attention. Eddie sighs, pushes his plate away and rubs his hands over his face.
“Okay.”
“Okay? Just like that? No questions?” Eddie stares at the other man, slightly incredulous. Like, no comment on how this exercise is very much meant for spouses?
“None right now, I feel we’ll be able to figure it out easily enough.” Eddie is so lucky God ever let him find Buck.
They finish their glasses of water and wash up the dishes. Eddie feels anticipation build in his chest, the nerves start to spread through his body. They migrate to his bedroom, and Buck insists on playing lofi low in the background just for the ambiance.
“Lofi is shown to reduce cortisol and stress levels. You’re obviously stressed so I think this will help.”
“Who says I’m stressed?” Eddie scoffs, but drops the act when Buck looks over his shoulder, clearly unimpressed. Eddie traded his sweats for a pair of cut-off shorts and went without a shirt. Eddie is starting to feel a little too vulnerable, all of his scars and body featured on display. But Buck is only looking at his face, following Eddie’s lead.
“You can start on my back.” He turns around, not sure if he can start this with the man’s intense blue eyes staring at him while he touches him. He’s not even sure if he’ll survive that when he turns around. Buck hums an affirmative. His large hands falling lay gently on where Eddie’s shoulders connect to his neck, his thumbs circling a pattern into the muscles lightly.
“It kinda feels like I’m giving you a massage.” Buck comments, and Eddie chuckles, finally starting to relax into the experience.
“You’re not a very good masseuse then. You need to add more pressure.” Buck laughs softly, but clearly is more intentional with letting his hands press more into Eddie’s body. Soon, Buck’s hangs start to migrate from his shoulders to trail down his shoulder blades. Eddie takes a deep breath to calm himself, feeling butterflies start to punch around in his gut.
“You good?” Buck stops in his progression. Eddie nods his head, “just breathing.”
They both continue to stand in silence after that, the lofi playing softly in the background as Buck’s hands trail the back of Eddie’s torso in repetitive patterns. Buck’s fingers travel over the memories of war embedded in his skin. Thumbs slightly at a light birthmark at the base of his back. Intentionally avoiding the ass area (much to Eddie’s disappointment and relief), Buck continues his touch from Eddie’s thigh and down his legs.
“I feel like a horse getting felt for lameness.” Eddie breaks the silence, and he can hear the smile in Buck’s voice as he responds with, “You definitely got legs like one.”
Eddie would have objected, questioning what that would have even meant. But while speaking, Buck started to trail both hands upward on one leg. His hands could reach around the majority of his thigh, a warm pressure he was especially sensitive to on his inner thigh. Eddie swallows, and leans his head back to look at the ceiling. If he ever said if a man’s touch couldn’t make him feel things , he was definitely lying. Or was repressed and in denial. Probably both. Buck repeats the same thing on the other leg, and it takes all his willpower to not beg him for more contact. He controls his exhale as his hands trail downwards once more.
Eddie then pulls away to face the other man. Buck looks up, then stands to be eye-level. There’s a question in the raise of his eyebrows, Eddie nods in assurance. He feels secure and safe under Buck’s careful and firm hands. Eddie closes his eyes to focus solely on the hand finding itself on his right shoulder. They both take a deep breath, as Buck traces the darkened, twisted scar. Eddie allows himself to slowly revisit the shooting. He’s being honest when he says he doesn’t remember much of the moment. But he is haunted by the image of Buck covered in blood, frozen with the thought that the love of his life was hurt. He remembers reaching out.
Because he can do what he couldn’t then, he reaches out a hand to rest on Buck’s forearm. His eyes are still closed but with Buck’s halted breathing, he imagines he might be fighting back tears. Buck brings up his other hand to connect to Eddie’s, interlocking their fingers. Eddie squeezes his hand and Buck does as well. The taller man brings their hands to rest on his chest, his other hand still resting on the brunette’s bicep. Eddie steps even closer into the little bubble they’ve made between the two of them. Buck leans his head down so their foreheads touch, breathing in the same air.
Eddie doesn’t know how long they stay like that for, but he knows he never wants to leave this moment. The warmth that radiates off the taller man compliments Eddie’s cooler body temperament. They compliment each other in personality and body.
Buck’ breath fans over Eddie’s cheek, looking up through his lashes, Buck doesn’t think he can ever forget the view he has at this moment. The oh-so vulnerable trust Eddie has etched into his features, dark eyelashes pressed down where his eyes close. The beauty mark off the corner of his eye is stark amongst the faint constellation of freckles peppered on his cheekbones. The creases around his eyes and mouth reveal smile wrinkles etching themselves into his skin.
Buck brings his hand resting on the bicep to the back of Eddie’s neck. Buck pulls his head back, Eddie’s head falling forward, chasing the loss of contact. The blonde then brings his hand forward to cup his jawline. Eddie swallows but still, his eyes remain closed.
Buck bites his lips, and recalls how the exercise said to restrain from acting on any impulses. But damn if he doesn’t want to pepper Eddie in adoring kisses right now. However, he doesn’t want to mess up Eddie’s therapy homework, no matter how much Buck wants him. He respects Eddie too much to violate his trust like that. Plus, he’s sure Eddie doesn’t even want him like that. Pushing his conflicting feelings aside, he continues through the exercise, but with more hesitant hands. As if Eddie could feel Buck’s thoughts if he pressed his hands into his skin hard enough.
They finish the exercise with both of them holding hands, both of them reluctant to let go. When Eddie opens his eyes, he sees Buck’s face smiling gently back at him. The moment is so tender, yet Eddie feels an immense need to de-homoerotify it by pulling Buck into a bro-hug or something. He refrains from acting on that impulse, but tries to savor the moment.
“So,” Buck breaks the silence, “what do you think?”
Eddie feels the loss when Buck pulls his hands away, but tries to not let the disappointment show on his face when he replies. “I liked that. I think Frank will be happy to hear I did his assignment.”
Buck chuckles in understanding, “I’m sure he’ll be so proud of you.” They both stand still for a moment. Buck, refusing to let this moment turn awkward, suggests, “How about I order some food and we binge watch The Lord of the Rings movies?” A grin breaks out across Eddie’s face, canines biting into his lower lip.
“You always know exactly what I need.”
Later when they’re chatting aimlessly during the movies, Buck can’t help but wish he was assigned that homework for therapy. He wants to indulge in Eddie’s hands caressing his body. Buck wants to feel Eddie’s love for his body, even if he can’t seem to harbor that kind of love for himself. Buck can only be satisfied with what he can get now, Eddie pressed up against his side and their ankles crossed on the floor. Little blessings and all that.
Little does he know that Eddie sitting next to him can’t get enough of Buck’s hands on him. Later that night, when Eddie is trying to sleep, he is haunted by the phantom touches of Buck’s loving hands.