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The rest of the week was hell. Dazai couldn’t sleep, knowing that he would soon go back to that colorless, painful life. That night, he’d promised himself that he would never go back, but clearly he was only lying to himself. Maybe he’d known all along that he would go back, that this was only temporary.
Dazai got off of his futon that morning filled with dread. He was making his last visit to the agency as a member.
His last visit..?
Dazai’s body moved on its own, getting him ready to leave, to say goodbye.
He’d said goodbye before. He knew how to do that. Losing people wasn’t something new to him, but he’d never had to do it like this before.
He was being torn away from the life he’d finally gotten used to, torn away from the people who accepted his flaws, the people who had grown to love him. He stared at himself in the mirror, much like he’d done that night a week ago. This time, the one he saw wasn’t Mori. It was just himself, but that was even more terrifying. Without thinking, he’d covered his right eye in bandages, like he’d done before.
Dazai quickly tore the bandages away and tried not to give it much thought, but how couldn’t he? Was everything he’d worked so hard to leave behind returning to him already? Were those things still second nature to him?
Was that truly the extent of his promise to Oda?
No, that wasn’t it. This was Mori’s fault. Mori messed with his head. Mori was just trying to get under Dazai’s skin. Dazai wasn’t the same easily manipulated fifteen year old that he used to be.
Mori was wrong about him, they were nothing alike, he was sure of it.
Dazai mindlessly tossed the bandages in the garbage, then walked back into the main room. The floor was clean, completely clear of all the bottles of alcohol that used to cover it. His possessions were gone. He’d gotten rid of all of it. Cleaning up his mess and ridding the room of his presence was the least he could do for the agency, after all they’d done for him.
Dazai took one last look around, before leaving without turning back. He slowly walked past the other apartments, taking everything in, saying his goodbyes to the life he’d gotten so used to.
Dazai eventually found himself in front of the agency’s office building. He opened the door and greeted the coffee shop owner and his wife, before making his way up the stairs, until he reached the door to the agency.
He opened the door and looked around. Most of the agency was there to greet him, minus the children. He guessed that they didn’t want them to know the harsh truth, especially not Kyouka.
Dazai noticed Yosano’s guilty glance. She had been saved, she had been off limits. Yosano couldn’t help but feel guilty, knowing that she could stay in the light, but Dazai was being forced to go back.
“Dazai, I’m sorry we have to let you go like this. If I could’ve forbidden him from choosing you, I would have, but if I had made more than one person off limits, Mori wouldn’t have agreed to the deal.” Fukuzawa’s voice was full of regret. He seemed mortified by the idea of making Dazai return to the Port Mafia, but he knew there was no other choice.
“I understand, president. I’m just grateful to have worked alongside you all for this long. This is nothing I haven’t dealt with before, I will be fine.”
In truth, Dazai wouldn’t be fine. He was hurting and he’d soon be alone.
“Dazai.”
It’s not that he hadn’t felt like this before.
“Dazai?”
He had been through much worse, but he’d gotten so used to being with the agency that he’d forgotten what this kind of loneliness had felt like.
“Dazai!”
Dazai had spaced out, but he was soon snapped out of it, as he saw Atsushi waving his hand in front of his face.
“Sorry, Atsushi. I spaced out a bit.” Dazai chuckled, as he looked down at Atsushi expectantly, wondering what he wanted to speak to him about.
“Dazai, the agency got you a goodbye gift. It isn’t anything special, but we wanted you to have something to remind you that we will always care for you and you will always be a part of the agency.” Atsushi gave Dazai a smile, before handing Dazai a framed photograph of everyone in the agency together. All of them smiling without a care in the world, unaware of the tragedy that would soon befall one of their members.
“Thank you, Atsushi, everyone.”
Dazai stared at the framed photograph, burning the image into his memory. Atsushi was right, it wouldn’t seem special to most, but it was maybe one of the most thoughtful gifts he’d ever been given.
“Dazai, you may have been a pain in my ass, but you were the best partner I could have asked for. Thank you for giving your all to this agency.” Kunikida spoke firmly, but he couldn’t hide the slight waver in his voice.
“No, Kunikida, thank you.”
Kunikida simply nodded, not knowing if he’d be able to speak without becoming a mess.
Dazai could sense the grim atmosphere, he knew how terrible they felt, even if they wouldn’t properly address it.
Dazai turned to Atsushi again, before placing a hand on his shoulder.
“Atsushi, I’m glad that I got to be your mentor, even though it was only for a little while. I couldn’t have asked for a better student. I know you’re ready, you don’t need me anymore, so it’ll all be okay.”
Atsushi gave him a nod, but couldn’t shake the terrible feeling he had about this whole thing.
“Dazai, please take care, okay? Even if I don’t need you to teach me anymore, you can’t go dying on me.”
“I can make no promises, Atsushi.” Dazai smiled, before giving Atsushi a wink. Atsushi sighed, knowing Dazai’s antics couldn’t be helped.
After a few moments, Dazai removed his hand from Atsushi’s shoulder and almost as if on cue, he heard the sound of a motorcycle pulling up outside of the agency. Dazai immediately looked out of the window and sighed in frustration.
Chuuya was already there to pick him up. He had barely just got to the agency and it was already time to go.
“It’s time for me to leave. Thank you for making everything in my life just a bit more beautiful.” Dazai spoke softly, as he sighed and turned to leave.
“We all wish you the best, Dazai.”
Dazai smiled and gave a small nod to Fukuzawa’s words, before walking out of the door, down the stairs, and out of the building.
The first thing he saw, once he was outside, was Chuuya. Even the look on Chuuya’s face was grim, which he had expected, but he hadn’t realized that Chuuya would be this upset.
“Get on, Dazai.” Chuuya spoke quietly, refusing to meet Dazai’s eyes.
“No colorful words for me? Who are you and where’s Chuuya?” Dazai teased, but obeyed and sat down directly behind Chuuya.
“How the hell can you still be joking right now? I can’t fucking believe you. You are such a stupid asshole.” Chuuya spoke bitterly, but Dazai could tell that those words held no real weight.
“What, not happy I’m coming back?” Dazai teased, but simply pissed off Chuuya even more.
“Of course, I’m not happy! You’re meant to be in there with them! I don’t want to take you back, you asshole! I did everything to try to convince Mori to take back his decision, but he wouldn’t listen! I hate both of you!” Chuuya shouted, as he began to drive.
Dazai quickly wrapped his arms around Chuuya, not wanting to fall off, but also in a silent apology. Dazai rested his head on Chuuya’s shoulder.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to joke about this crap. When you left, it hurt, but I was happy for you.” Chuuya spoke quietly, as he felt Dazai’s shaky breath on his neck.
“I know, Chuuya, but this had to be done. It couldn’t have been anyone else. It was always going to end up this way.” Dazai sighed, as he gave Chuuya a small reassuring squeeze.
“You’re fucking crazy, you know that? You weren’t happy back then, but you’re different now. They did something to you, I don’t know what, but those agency fuckers made you happy. Mori is just gonna screw up your damn life again and you’re seriously going to let that happen?”
“If I could find another way out of this, do you seriously think I would’ve agreed to this bullshit, Chuuya?”
Chuuya sighed and shook his head, but he made sure to keep his eyes on the road.
“No, I don’t think that at all. I just really wish that this went a different way. It’s not fair. I know that the world isn’t fair, but it’s especially unfair to you.”
“I know, Chuuya. I know, but at least I have you, right?” Dazai smiled and pressed a kiss to Chuuya’s neck.
“That’s enough, Dazai. Stop acting like it’s just any other day. I know that you’re fucking miserable right now.”
“What’s the point in acting sad? If you know how I feel, then why do I need to show it to you?”
Chuuya groaned frustratedly, but said nothing, as he knew it wasn’t worth it.
The rest of the drive was unnaturally silent. The air was thick with tension, as the Port Mafia’s headquarters came into view. Chuuya felt Dazai hold onto him tighter, but he didn’t say a word.
Chuuya kept driving, until he pulled into the parking lot. He parked his motorcycle, but didn’t get up.
“The moment that you walk in there, you can’t turn back. Are you seriously going to do this? I’m fully prepared to drive you back to the agency, if you decide to stop this now.”
“Chuuya, you know that I can’t do that. I need to do this.”
“No, you don’t! Let one of them take the fall for you! Your life has been terrible enough! Please, I was so happy for you! Don’t let everything you did go to waste, you damn asshole!”
“Chuuya, please just stop. I’m not changing my mind.”
“Fine! Ruin everything that you worked for, I don’t give a damn!”
Chuuya shouted, then got up and stormed off. Dazai sat still for a moment, before getting off of Chuuya’s motorcycle and making his way up to the doors of the Port Mafia’s headquarters. After some hesitation, he opened the doors and stepped inside. It had been so long since he’d been in that building as a member, as an executive.
He walked through halls and eventually found himself in front of Mori’s office. Dazai reluctantly knocked on the door.
“Come in. It’s unlocked.” Dazai could hear Mori’s voice from behind the door. He hesitantly opened the door and slowly walked into Mori’s office.
“You’re finally back, just where you belong, hm?” Mori spoke sweetly and even though Dazai knew it was only a dig at him, he still nodded. “Take off that coat, Dazai, it’s no good on you.”
Dazai reluctantly took off his coat, as he saw Mori get up from his seat at his desk. Dazai froze, as he saw Mori remove his own coat, then drape it over Dazai’s shoulders.
“There we go, much better. I figured you’d need a new one, since you burned the old one.”
Dazai stayed still and didn’t respond, but Mori smiled anyway, already knowing what Dazai was thinking.
“It’s okay, Dazai. Your place has always been here, as an executive. I know it will take some getting used to, but it’s in your nature. It will all come back to you soon, then everything will be perfect again, just as it was before, right?”
Dazai slowly nodded, but he didn’t mean it. How could this ever be perfect? What he’d had with the agency was perfect, but this was just hell on earth.
“Dazai, what are you holding? Give it to me.” Mori spoke with a cold tone. Dazai looked down at his hand and realized he had been holding onto the photograph that the agency had gifted him. Before Dazai could protest, Mori snatched the photograph away.
Mori studied the photograph, before shaking his head and chuckling.
“Oh, Dazai, you have no need for such foolish things. Let me get rid of this trash for you.”
Dazai stayed completely still, too petrified to do anything, as he watched Mori take his only keepsake of his time with the agency and throw it away like garbage.
He was stuck now, like Chuuya said, there’s no turning back. The moment that coat was placed on his shoulders, it was over. He was here to stay, no matter what he truly wanted. Afterall, happiness for Dazai is only temporary.