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Most days were not very good, but today took the cake as one of the worst in memory. The chatter in the room had abruptly turned to dead silence at her outburst. She stared, stunned as Ragatha stormed off.
“Good going, Tiny.” Jax chuckled distantly.
Tension was already high after the stressful adventure of the day. Gangle had immediately been tripped by Jax at the start, shattering her recently repaired comedy mask, and not even twenty minutes later, Pomni almost beheaded herself attempting to get away from whatever the monsters Caine made up were called. She couldn’t be bothered to remember all of the nonsensical names he fabricated.
Her hand absently raised to brush up against the bloody laceration on her neck.
Oh, and Ragatha’s arm had somehow gotten completely sliced off. She tried to push away the mental image of the cotton-filled limb hitting the ground with a dull thump followed by a pained scream.
The adventure ended soon after that. No thanks to Caine. The ringmaster loved to throw them into the deep end and disappear to do… whatever he did when he wasn’t occupied with them.
Amid stress and anxiety eating away at her, she’d hurled deep-cutting words at Ragatha despite the woman being in a fragile state of her own.
All because Ragatha made the mistake of trying to touch her.
Pomni felt stupid and worthless as her situation settled in her mind. Words of self-depreciation swirled lazily around her head.
Jax’s voice cut through her thoughts, “You gonna keep staring at the hall like a pathetic, kicked puppy or what?”
She glanced over her shoulder at him, before her eyes strayed to the rest of the group. All of them were staring back with varying degrees of worry or disinterest.
Her jaw clenched and she mumbled a wobbly, “Shut up.” Before her legs finally decided to start working she followed in the direction Ragatha had disappeared.
The hall was deathly silent other than the cartoonish squeaking of her shoes and the bells on her hat jingling. It was a little obnoxious how noisy she was. At least the former was quiet enough to not be noticed most of the time.
Ragatha was nowhere to be seen. She assumed the doll had gone straight back to her room to put herself back together. A chill made its way up her spine at the thought of the dismemberment.
Pomni had gone through something similar once. Her own arm had been ruthlessly yanked from her body in a gore-fest. Ragatha immediately tried to calm her down and comforted her to the best of her ability. When she passed out and woke up in her room, Ragatha was still there trying to help. To make her feel better.
Now the roles were swapped and Pomni was anything but comforting. A familiar pit worked its way into her chest. A festering cavity, eating away at whatever semblance of a heart she had.
She was a wretched little thing.
Pomni blinked, forcing away the awful thoughts that threatened to drown her. Ragatha’s bedroom door greeted her. Slowly, she raised a hand and knocked three times.
She waited.
Her shaky fist rested against the door as she tried to swallow the rising panic gripping her entire body. Breathing was suddenly way harder than it probably should’ve been. She screwed her eyes shut. Clear head. A small breath of air escaped her lips and she opened her eyes again to look at the red door taunting her.
Still no answer. Maybe she should knock again?
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Each knock got progressively quieter and unsure. Was Ragatha even in there?
Her breathing halted in trepidation as the door handle finally turned and clicked. Large pinwheel eyes locked onto a single eye and a button. Ragatha was smiling down at her, but her instincts screamed in fear. She couldn’t help the flinch that hit her as the taller woman raised her single arm to lean against the doorframe.
Embarrassed, she averted her eyes to stare at the very interesting carpet below. Apologies and excuses sat heavily in her mouth. Her tongue seemed to have tied itself into a knot because now that she was here she could not utter a word.
“Hey, Pomni.” She paused for a few beats, waiting for an answer, “You need something?” Ragatha asked after awkward silence greeted her.
She broke off her staring contest with the floor to nervously look at Ragatha. There was an unreadable look in her eyes behind the obvious hurt.
Her smile was a lie.
“Uhm,” Was all she was able to get out.
She felt like an idiot.
Pomni worked her jaw for a few moments before trying again, “Can I help?” She asked, trying and failing not to stare at the stump where Ragatha’s arm had been an hour ago.
An icy look flashed in Ragatha’s eyes before being replaced by something more guarded. Her lips were still upturned into a forced smile.
“Don’t worry about me, I’ve actually done this plenty of times. You’d be surprised how easy it is to lose a limb here and there when you’re made out of burlap and cotton.” She laughed.
A sick feeling invaded Pomni’s stomach like many wriggly, crawling rodents had made it their home. Her jaw slackened slightly and her lips moved wordlessly, trying to get something to come out. Insistence? An apology? Begging? She wasn’t sure and didn’t really care.
“Uh, if that was it then I’m just gonna…” Ragatha trailed off, motioning to her detached arm sitting on a desk behind her.
The door was closing.
Without thinking, her leg shot out to wedge her shoe in between the door and its frame. “Wait.” She swallowed thickly, “I’m sorry. Earlier. I didn’t mean any of it and I’d like to help you. You… don’t have to be alone right now.” The end of her sentence almost sounded like a question. She withdrew from the door, cursing herself for her shaky, unsure words.
Ragatha’s eye softened ever so slightly. Nothing was said for a moment, she seemed to be at a loss for words.
“Goodnight, Pomni.”
The door clicked shut and she stared wordlessly at its obnoxious red paint. Static tickled the edges of her mind.
This was a catastrophic fuck up.
…
…
She probably needed to move away from the door. To go somewhere else and leave Ragatha alone .
The chattering coming from down the hall did nothing to bring her back and If she was in her right mind at all, she would’ve felt intense embarrassment when the chatter quieted down and eyes assaulted her body.
Jax was, of course, the first person to say anything, “Yo, shortstack. Did your girlfriend dump you?”
“Leave her alone, Jax.” Zooble grouched as they slipped into their room.
Jax turned to respond, frowning when Zooble was no longer in the hall. He rolled his eyes and replied to no one, “Not happening. Squeaky and Dolly fighting is hilarious and I’ve gotta cash in on their misery while it's still fresh.”
“Are you okay, Pomni?” Gangle questioned in a gentle voice, ignoring the rabbit’s announcement.
In all honesty, Pomni was barely hearing what they were saying. Words blended together into a blur of meaningless sounds. Her vision tunneled onto the red door, stamped with Ragatha’s smiling face.
She vaguely heard an alarmed squeak and the sound of someone falling to the floor. The weight of a heavy hand landing on her shoulder was enough to jolt her out of dissociation. She jerked away from the hand, synthetic heart instantly revving up to an impressive two hundred beats per minute.
Pomni turned to stare wide-eyed at Jax, whose hand was still hovering in the air. Mild confusion colored his face. “God, you’re such a spaz.” He muttered.
Flight instincts kicked in when he tried to close the distance again. She turned and stumbled away in a clumsy sprint.
The walls of the hallway were warped and distorted. Closing in on her until she was sure she was going to be crushed. Her breaths came out short and erratic, not dissimilar to the rapid beating of her heart. She abruptly stopped, almost tripping. A hand shot out to support her against the wall while she doubled over and fought to regain control of her body.
Pomni stood there shaking, eyes wide with terror. Gasping for air.
A few minutes passed before the anxiety passed and she felt like a human being again instead of a feral, scared animal. She pulled herself away from the wall and stumbled down the hall at a more leisurely pace.
A hand came up to absently rub its heel against her chest roughly as if that’d stop the area from constricting.
What an incredible day this has been, she thought dryly.
Squeaking and jingling filled her ears as she wandered the halls. Irritation flared up suddenly. Her hand came up to yank at her hat. It stretched with a rubbery noise before snapping back into its original form. She groaned in annoyance.
The way clothes worked in the digital world was extremely irksome. The only place where the offending clothing would detach from her body was her room. Otherwise, she was stuck jingling and squeaking like a fool everywhere she went. It was truly the cherry on top of the shit cake.
Her body felt indescribably uncomfortable. She needed to get away.
She could turn around and go back to her room. Her legs stopped moving and she tossed a glance over her shoulder before shaking her head and moving forward again. Her room was admittedly one of her least favorite places in the circus. The pro of being able to change clothes wasn’t enough to convince her to turn around.
Instead, she found herself exiting the hall and entering a large open space. From this part of the tent, the roof was visible, yet distant. Giant objects reminiscent of a children’s set of toy blocks littered the room. Some even stacking high enough to kiss the roof.
Pomni wandered the space aimlessly in an attempt to clear her mind with some success.
She found herself at the base of one of the block towers. Her neck craned to get a peek at the top. This was one of the ones that almost touched the roof.
With her curiosity peaked, she took many steps back and sprinted at the wall. When she got close enough, she jumped as high as her short legs could take her and used the wall as a springboard to keep her momentum moving upward. Her hand snagged the edge of the wall. With bated breath, she painstakingly pulled herself onto the ledge.
Pomni flopped against the wall of the second tier to catch her breath. After a moment, she crawled back to peer over the edge and was met with quite the drop. She leaned back again and took a deep breath. How she’d jumped that high was a mystery. Maybe it was cartoon logic. She didn’t know.
After a minute of sitting, she stood and dusted herself off. This next jump would be tougher without the space to sprint into a jump. She inched back until her heels were on the edge of the platform. Part of her was screaming in fear at the height but the rest of her was getting way too much enjoyment in the exploration to quit.
She ran at the wall with what little space she had and scaled it easily. Then she easily made it up the next. And the next.
Thirty minutes passed and before she knew it she was almost at the top. Caine had put the tent into ‘night mode’ which meant he had simply dimmed all of the unnaturally bright lights to give it an even more unnatural darkness.
Something was incredibly freeing about being so high. The ground seemed so small. The objects littering the floor seemed ant-sized. Once she got over the initial fear of slipping, the height almost gave her a sense of safety.
The tips of her shoes peeked over the edge.
She could jump.
The thought jolted out of her daydreaming. Blinking, she took a small step back. As tempting as the thought of jumping to her death and avoiding the repercussions of today’s outburst toward Ragatha was, she couldn’t die. If she were to jump, she’d just become a stain on the floor until someone found her and Caine put her back together.
Pomni clicked her teeth together in frustration before turning and hopping up the next length of the wall. She wasn’t sure what her end goal was or how she was even going to get down, but anything was better than going back to her room.
There were only three walls left to jump before she reached the roof of the tent. Impatient, she cleared them quickly.
Now she was at the top. Her pinwheel eyes scanned the little platform she’d found herself on. They were drawn to a glitching texture on the tent itself.
Curiosity overpowered the fear that shot through her chest and she cautiously inched closer. Hesitantly, a gloved hand came up to hover near the glitch. She screwed her eyes shut when her hand made contact and-
nothing.
Pomni’s eyes popped back open to peer at her hand in confusion. It clipped through the wall painlessly. She slowly waved it back and forth for good measure.
Okay…
She braced her hands against either side of the solid parts of the wall and leaned forward, plunging her head through. She blinked, staring at the abnormally green grass that surrounded the outside of the tent.
Oh!
She pulled back, expression full of fascination.
Could she?
Maybe.
Her leg came up to swing through the glitched wall, passing easily. She hopped awkwardly on the other one to get closer before pushing her head and shoulders back through. The dark night sky greeted her once again. There was a handhold just close enough for her to…
She jumped as far as she could from her awkward angle and hooked her fingers on a seam. ith a grunt, she pulled herself up and scrambled onto the roof of the tent.
Somehow, the nighttime lighting Caine had curated for the outside of the tent was much better than the lazy light dimming of the inside. She plopped down on her bottom and gazed at the small floating island that was the Digital Circus. The small size wasn’t too noticeable from this angle. It almost felt real enough to put her mind at ease.
She let out a content sigh and laid back. Her hands clasped and settled onto her stomach. The moon hadn’t noticed her and the stars weren’t sentient to her immense relief.
They were pretty. The stars. Not quite as breathtaking as a real night sky, but enough for a peaceful feeling to envelop her mind.
Perhaps stargazing was a hobby she had in real life, she thought absently.
A few of the star clusters almost looked like real constellations. Her lidded eyes widened when she realized those were constellations. Leo, Aquarius, Taurus. Her eyes locked onto each of them as the names flashed through her head. Orion, Ursa Major, Aries. She slowly counted all of them. Hydra, Lupus, Hercules.
A few minutes passed.
Eighty-eight.
As far as she could recall that was every constellation. Confusion flooded her senses. There was no way every one of them should be visible.
Pomni paused in her thoughts. It's not real. Of course, if Caine was going to program constellations, he’d put them all in regardless of which ones were visible during certain seasons.
She relaxed again, allowing herself to slowly take in every little twinkling star.
A sigh escaped her. This was nice.
Almost enough to forget.
Pomni’s serene expression soured.
~~~
She jolted awake with a start. Pushing herself into a sitting position to dart her eyes around in bewilderment. Slowly, her surroundings started to make sense.
The sky was bright in an unnatural blue. Almost neon-green grass many feet below her waved back.
“Hey, darling.” A voice echoed out.
Pomni almost jumped out of her skin, head whipping around to check behind her.
“Up here.”
She looked up to lock eyes onto the sun. Oh.
“Good morning, Sunshine.”
She blinked, puzzled, “Um, good morning.”
“What a wonderful morning, indeed. Why don’t you meet up with your little friends.”
Dread filled her chest at the mention of the others but she smiled anyway, “Heh, yeah. I’d better… go.” She mumbled, motioning downward and standing up.
The sun responded, but she ignored them in favor of swinging back through the glitched tent wall. She stumbled slightly as she landed.
That was weird.
Pomni shook her head and regarded the large block tower she was now stuck on. Maybe hopping down one by one would be doable? She sat on the edge of the highest platform and hopped down to the next. When she didn’t immediately break her ankles she nodded to herself and repeated the action to the next tier.
It only took fifteen minutes to reach the last jump. Her ankles throbbed in pain as her shoes slapped onto the ground. She hobbled away from the structure. Pausing, she turned to commit the room to memory, not wanting to lose her new spot.
After she was sure she wouldn’t forget, she turned and limped back through the halls.
As she made her way through the lengthy hall, the throbbing went away and she was able to walk normally again.
She briefly wondered what time it was. There weren’t any clocks hanging in the hall or anywhere in the tent. They only existed in their rooms and even then, they didn’t tell time conventionally. Only conveying when it was ‘adventure time’ and ‘not adventure time’.
Pomni sighed, realizing her only choice was to make her way to the commons and see if anybody was there.
She could just check the clock in her room.
Nope! Not going there.
She sped her pace to a jog.
The red doors of their rooms taunted her as she passed them. Ragatha’s was especially loud. She tried not to look at the doll’s smiling face plastered on the door. Anxiety shot through her small body at the reminder.
Maybe… Ragatha would talk to her today. Suddenly, her mouth felt as if it was made of sandpaper. She tried to swallow with little success.
The hall ended and she found herself at her destination: The commons. Immediately, the others caught her eye. Zooble and Gangle were sitting on the edge of the stage, deep in conversation, Kinger was already halfway done with the construction of his pillow fort, and Ragatha and Jax were standing in the middle of the room, arguing over something. Jax’s face was twisted up into a shit-eating smirk.
Pomni fought the urge to make herself smaller, failing immediately. She shuffled into the room, praying to any god listening that she wouldn’t be noticed. Her prayer was hurled back at her with fervent hate when Jax’s eyes wandered and landed on her. His smirk instantly grew even larger. He brushed off whatever Ragatha was saying and slinked past her to make his way toward Pomni.
She froze and stared at him wide-eyed. As if Jax wouldn’t be able to see her if she stood very still. Ragatha’s gaze followed Jax’s path and landed on her.
She wanted to disappear so badly. Please. Please.
“Hey! What’s up Chuckles? How ya doin’?” Jax grinned, his eyes flashing something sinister.
Pomni took an unsure step back, “Uh.”
He put his hands on his hips and leaned forward, tilting his head, “What’s wrong, Pomni? Scared I might bite your head off?”
She wasn’t sure what she was scared of him doing. She just didn’t like being around him .
He smiled even bigger when she took another step back, taking his own step forward.
“That’s enough, Jax,” Ragatha grunted from a few paces behind him, arms crossed in annoyance.
He turned to shoot a glance at Ragatha, “Don’t be a buzzkill, Dolly. Let me have a little fun once and a while.”
Pomni leaped into a sprint away from the man, failing miserably when he lunged and grabbed her by the hat, lifting her up off the floor to dangle like a scruffed kitten.
“Jax!”
Her brain completely shut down as she hung helplessly. “You [&$!?] me off.” Jax muttered under his breath. She stared at him with a deer in the headlights look painted onto her face. “I thought Gangle was a wimp, but you beat her out by a landslide.” He sneered.
Her mouth refused to form any words in her defense. He was right.
Pomni yelped when they were jerked back, Jax’s arm wrapped around her neck to keep her in place as they fell back and her nerves instantly exploded into alarm.
“Hey, hey, hey, now! What the [%#$!]?!” Jax exclaimed.
Ragatha stared up at the rabbit, poorly concealed anger flickering in her eye as she tightened her hold on his shoulder, “Let go! Can’t you see how freaked out she is?!”
Pomni frantically flailed around in a blind panic.
“Can’t you see how you’re ruining my fun?” Jax grouched.
She whimpered pitifully. Just let go. Just let go.
His arm slipped slightly and the animalistic part of Pomni’s brain urged her to-
“YEE OUCH!” Jax roared as Pomni’s very sharp pearly whites found themselves embedded into the flesh of his arm. He let go and pushed her away. She stumbled and fell hard onto her ass.
Jax cradled his gushing arm and glared at her, “What the [!?&$]!?”
Pomni blinked, dazed. Her entire face felt sticky.
Ragatha jumped in between them, “That wouldn’t have happened if you listened to me!” She groaned before turning to glance at her, “Pomni, are you alright, sweetheart?”
Pomni’s stomach twisted uncomfortably at Ragtha’s words. Didn’t she hate her? Why was she asking if she was okay? She didn’t get it.
“Pomni?”
Jax let out a cruel laugh, “I think I knocked her stupid.”
“I swear to God I can’t handle your [#!@$]ing behavior today,” Ragatha growled.
Jax shrugged and brought up a finger to imitate a tear running down his cheek, “That breaks my heart, Dolly. Thought you loved me.”
She finally broke out of her daze and shot to her feet. Her instincts screamed for her to run. Get away. Hide.
As if the commotion had awakened him from a deep slumber, Caine poofed into existence.
“Good morning, Superstars!” Caine paused when he noticed the commotion.
Jax waved his bloody arm at the ringmaster, purposely letting it flop limply, “Caine,” he drug out the ‘e’ dramatically, “Ragatha’s rabid dog bit me. Can we put it down?”
“I- uh?!” Caine stuttered in confusion.
“Jax deserved it.” Zooble supplied distantly.
Ragatha looked like she was about to explode. from anger or embarrassment? Pomni wasn’t sure. Maybe both.
Caine’s eyes flickered between the three of them for a few seconds before he shook his head and snapped. Jax blinked and raised his hand to inspect the static covering his injured arm.
“Good as new! Now, play nice everyone!”
“Great, now can I get a towel and a rabies shot?” Jax snarked. He turned to toss a shit-eating smirk at Ragatha as if it was a ‘gotcha’ moment.
Caine snapped again and a towel poofed into Jax’s gloved hand, “Rabies shots aren’t necessary in the Digital Circus!”
He rolled his eyes and began to scrub the black blood off of his fur. When he was finished he chucked it at Pomni’s face. She yelped and fell flat on her back.
“Jax!” Ragatha exclaimed.
He rolled his eyes and pretended to inspect his nails, which he couldn’t see because he was wearing gloves .
The doll watched from a safe distance while Pommi peeled herself off of the floor and stumbled into a standing position. Probably because she freaked out on her for touching her yesterday. The thought soured her already foul mood.
She didn’t not want to be touched by Ragatha, but she wanted to be able to steel herself before any contact was made and she would know that if Pomni had just told her. Ragatha was considerate and would definitely listen to her if she set clear boundaries but Pomni was stupid and didn’t like talking about herself.
She avoided eye contact with the taller woman, her heart feeling like it was due to expire at any moment.
Today might be worse than yesterday.
~~~
It was. The next wasn’t much better. Neither was the next.
After Jax eventually let up on his heckling that day, Ragatha only talked to her when absolutely necessary and that persisted. Pomni didn’t do much to remedy the sudden doll-shaped hole in her heart, simply choosing to let her come to her first if at all.
As days passed, she realized Ragatha was probably never going to have a meaningful conversation with her again. Not with how things were going at this rate, anyway.
Pomni deserved it, really. As much as she craved her company, she did nothing but hurt Ragatha over and over again when given the chance. The way she betrayed her the first day should’ve been a sign of things to come.
She sat on top of the tent, curled up into a ball. Spiraling into a continuous stream of self-deprecating thoughts. Without Ragatha’s comforting presence, Pomni had resorted to spending her free hours in her new favorite spot. Biting her arms, ripping at her hair, sobbing quietly to herself. Stargazing, napping, and watching the others wander the grass like ants when they ventured out of the tent.
The sun and the moon had come to the conclusion that the small, miserable-looking jester wasn’t one for small talk and left her alone for the most part.
In the last few days, she’d stopped attending the non-mandatory adventures.
There was an adventure every day, but the chance that Caine would teleport the humans to the commons to force them into a ‘spectacularly brain stimulating adventure’ was really only a fifty-fifty chance. Pomni had not left her spot of her own will in many days.
If she had any choice, she’d just sit here and rot on the roof of the circus tent until her brain broke. Without meaningful social interaction, it was pretty obvious that she was going to go off the mental deep end fairly fast. Why even bother prolonging it? She just wanted peace.
Perhaps abstracting was peaceful to an extent. Losing all individuality and conscious thought to become a mindless monster seemed pretty bad at first, but would it still even be her? Would insanity-driven Pomni even feel pain? Would it be a sort of death?
She didn’t necessarily want to die, but sinister thoughts licked the back of her mind until she was feeling self-destructive enough to daydream about many different endings to her life.
But they were just that: Daydreams.
Pomni sighed and flopped onto her side, curled up into a fetal position.
~~~
“Okay, so what's the deal?” Zooble had cut off her intended path toward her secret spot, crossing their arms and tilting their head.
Pomni avoided eye contact, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,”
Zooble rolled his eyes, “Don’t play dumb with me.”
She shrunk back slightly at the irritated tone that seeped into their voice, “There is no deal.”
If Zooble had eyebrows, Pomni was sure one of them would be skeptically raised right now, “You and Ragatha have been dancing around each other for like two weeks now. She’s always in a bad mood and won’t admit it and you’re pretty much a ghost who shows up every full moon to haunt us before slipping back to the underworld or whatever the [$@&?] you do.”
Really? Has it already been two weeks? Keeping track of time here was like performing surgery after having been spun in an office chair for thirty minutes. That is to say, confusing and a bit sickening. How many real-world days had she lost to this place?
Feeling defensive, Pomni mumbled, “What does it matter to you?”
Zooble leveled her with a dry stare, “Normally it wouldn’t matter, but you two are making everyone else drown in the tension. Go kiss and makeup or I’ll lock you two in a room with Jax until you stop being stupid.”
She shivered at the thought and tried not to flinch when Zooble brushed past her, marking a clear end to their conversation.
Pomni knew she wasn’t bluffing about the Jax thing. As much as they claimed they hated each other, there was a sense of comradery the two youngest members had that they would insist till they were blue in the faces was not real.
She stared blankly at the floor at her feet, head spinning.
Maybe she should talk to Ragatha.
No, no, she shouldn't bother her. Ragatha made it extremely clear that she wanted to minimize her contact with Pomni.
The memory of an apologetic expression and a red door shutting in her face replayed on a loop.
She felt nauseous.
Then again, her relationship with Ragatha was already in the gutter as is. What would talking it out hurt if it was to keep Jax off of their backs? Maybe it could hurt a lot. She wasn’t sure. Pomni groaned and brought her hands up to scrub at her strained eyes. Socializing with people was so difficult she just wanted to isolate.
She’ll talk to her later.
~~~
Caine had all but dragged her kicking and screaming to dinner that night and due to her spectacular luck she got stuck sitting next to Ragatha.
It was so incredibly awkward she wanted to hide under the table until everyone else went away. Instead, she absently poked at the plate of low poly food that sat in front of her. Normally having her around made Pomni feel so lax. This new development was really great. She loved feeling uncomfortable around the most comforting person in the universe, she thought to herself sarcastically.
She looked up to glance over everyone else and caught Zooble’s eye. She squinted at her and made a slight motion toward Ragatha with her angular head.
Pomni tried not to stare at the older woman next to her in response to Zooble. She shot them a frown. They rolled their eyes and leaned back in their chair, arms crossed. She ground her teeth as her hands fidgeted in her lap. She didn’t want to disappoint or piss off Zooble, but she wasn’t sure if she could confront Ragatha.
There really wasn’t any choice, she’d have to do it eventually. The looming threat of Jax tormenting the two of them hung over her head.
Pomni’s eyes glazed over as she racked her brain for a plan. Firstly, she needed to find somewhere private to talk to her. She didn’t want to go to her room. Ragatha’s room was an option, but it felt like an invasion of her space. She could… take Ragatha to her spot? Nobody else knew about her spot, though. Would it be the same if that safety net was breached?
She glimpsed at Ragatha out of the corner of her eye, the woman being deep in conversation with Gangle, who was info-dumping about something. Her heart jumped in her chest at the sight of her smile and the content look on her face. She wanted Ragatha to look at her like that. Pomni’s train of thought screeched to a halt as the words’ meanings settled in. Her hands twisted in her lap and she tried to will away the blush that flushed her face. Pushing the strange thoughts away, she decided she’d take Ragatha to her stargazing spot and they’d talk it out.
Pomni spent the rest of dinner with her hands plucking and pulling at the fabric of her gloves, staring ahead blankly, running through various ways of approaching the doll.
Eventually, the others broke off one by one. Jax let out a giant exaggerated yawn and announced he was going to hit the hay, Kinger had wandered off about ten minutes ago muttering about ants, and Gangle excused herself after finishing her meal. Zooble had finished eating twenty minutes ago and seemed to be waiting for Pomni to make a move.
The tight feeling in her chest tripled in intensity as Ragatha wished them goodnight and stood from her chair. Pomni froze in her seat, skin crawling. Her hands gripped the edge of the table, refusing to look at Zooble who was definitely seconds away from marching over to her and throwing her at Ragatha.
Taking a deep breath, she pushed her chair away from the table with a screech and stood, following after the taller woman.
It took Ragatha a moment to notice her new shadow. When she did she stopped just short of entering the hallway and shot Pomni a confused smile.
She struggled to speak, the awkwardness of everything crushing her, “Can we talk?”
“Yeah, of course.” Ragatha smiled and clasped her hands in front of her.
Pomni nodded, mostly to herself, averting her eyes, “I… um, wanted to talk somewhere private. There's this place that I found. It’s kind of a hike to get to, but nobody will bother us there…” The building anxious feeling in her chest was making it difficult to speak.
Curiosity flickered in Ragatha’s eye, “Lead the way.” She punctuated the sentence by gesturing toward the hall in front of them with her arm.
Pomni nodded again and motioned for her to follow, beginning the trek to a familiar colorful room. The two of them walked in silence for many tension-filled minutes before they made it to the tower of blocks Pomni often used as some sort of weird stairs.
Ragatha followed her gaze upward before commenting, “I don’t come here often.”
She chuckled nervously and fidgeted, “Yeah, I never really see anybody on this side of the tent.” Taking a deep breath in and out, she turned to look at the taller woman, “This isn’t quite the spot, though, we’ve gotta climb.”
With a raised eyebrow, Ragathe watched as Pomni took a couple of steps back and easily cleared the wall. “I know it seems like a lot, but it’ll be worth it, I promise.” She shot Ragtha a small, uneasy smile and leaned over the edge to offer a hand. Ragatha smiled back and accepted the offer, allowing Pomni to pull her up as if she weighed nothing.
Pomni hopped up the next wall and turned around to offer her hand again. “Are you going to help me up every time? It's quite the climb.” Embarrassment flooded her system. Was she doing something wrong? Unconsciously, her hand retracted and hovered near her midsection with uncertainty.
Oh.
Ragatha was smiling. It was a soft smile that reached her eye and button, the former of which was focused solely on her with no trace of the ice that she’d seen two weeks ago. Something in her chest mimicked the feeling of her heart skipping a beat. “Yeah… if you don’t mind?” She finally spoke, her tone laced with apprehension.
“Not at all! It's just a lot of lifting and I’m sure I could do it myself if I tried.” Ragatha replied, tilting her head slightly as she sized up the wall.
Pomni shook her head and reached out her hand again, “Don’t worry about it. You weigh literally nothing.”
Ragatha raised an eyebrow at that as if she didn’t believe her (it was true!) but took her hand anyway and allowed Pomni to pull her up once again.
They lapsed into silence again as they repeated the motions over and over again until they were almost at the top. As Pomni made the jump to the top of the block stack and turned to lift Ragatha up a final time, a jittery feeling washed over her entire body. She was actually going to compromise the privacy of her spot. What would Ragatha do with the information? Could it possibly be used against her? What if their conversation went poorly? What if Ragatha hated stars? What if she thought she was a nerd for knowing so much about constellations? What if- Okay, no, she was spiraling.
She took a deep breath and motioned toward the glitching wall texture.
Concern filled Ragatha’s face, but she followed Pomni as she approached it and observed the shorter woman silently. Pomni heard her gasp when she jumped and clipped cleanly through the wall. “Pomni?!”
She twisted and hooked her fingers on the familiar rough seam, pulling herself up with little effort. Looking down, she saw Ragatha pop her head through the wall looking frantic.
“Ragatha, it’s okay! I’m up here.” She punctuated the sentence with a small wave as the redhead whipped her head around to stare up at Pomni incredulously. “C’mere.” She motioned upward and offered her hand.
Pomni smiled nervously, sharp teeth clicking together as the woman below her blinked in confusion. After a moment's hesitation, Ragatha swung her arm up and grasped Pomni’s hand.
After being pulled up, she straightened herself up and took in the scenery with a twinkling eye. “In all of my years here, I’ve never been on top of the tent,” She said in a soft tone, a small smile teasing the corners of her mouth. She turned to Pomni, “How’d you find it?”
Pomni blinked, realizing she’d been openly staring. She averted her eyes, choosing to sit and gaze out at the dimly lit world surrounding them. Ragatha followed, settling in next to her, careful to keep a sizable gap of distance between herself and the jester. She couldn’t help the scandalous ‘ move closer ’ that flitted through her thoughts like a flaming butterfly landing on her and catching her mind and body on fire.
Hadn’t Ragatha said something? Oh yeah, “I found it a couple of weeks ago.” She mumbled, suddenly feeling itchy. The impending talk loomed over her.
There was a small lapse as if Ragatha was expecting her to continue. Realizing that was not the case, she replied, “It's beautiful up here. Usually, you can’t see so much of the sky at once.” Pausing, she followed Pomni’s gaze to glance over the stars hung in the sky. Keeping her eyes upward, she continued, “You brought me here for a reason, though. To talk?” She locked eyes back onto Pomni, who was stubbornly avoiding eye contact, “What did you want to talk about?”
She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Confrontation certainly wasn’t her strong suit and she was really only here because of Zooble and Jax. “I’m sorry.” She blurted out, pulling her knees close to her chest, “For freaking out on you before. Everything has felt so awkward since and I know we don’t know each other very well, but you’ve been nothing but a good friend to me and I’ve been everything but that.” Her head lowered to rest a cheek on her knees, hands plucking at her gloves absently as she talked.
Ragatha stared at her with an unreadable expression. Silence wrapped around them, strangling Pomni ruthlessly as Ragatha slowly mulled over her words. Eventually, she responded with a small laugh, “It's alright!”
The tense expression that settled on her face was not lost on Pomni.
Her eyebrows furrowed and she sat back up just enough to look her in the eye, “You’re lying.” Ragatha looked away, bringing up a hand to run through her hair. Pomni wasn’t the best at reading people, but she’d picked up on this being one of the woman’s nervous tells. She was uncomfortable.
She knew that getting Ragatha to talk about her own feelings was like pulling teeth, but getting brushed off still made her feel as if rocks had carelessly been tossed into her stomach.
“No, I’m not.” Ragatha gritted out through a forced smile that didn't quite reach her eye.
This was already going horribly. She wanted to swan dive off of the roof and to her death. “Ragatha, please.” She croaked out, not knowing what else to do other than to beg. “You’re not going to kill me by talking about your feelings, I swear. I can take it!”
The smile fell off of Ragatha’s face. Her eye on Pomni unnerved her to no end.
Maybe she should just take the chance and go for the suicide jump. Anything was better than whatever was happening right now. She squeezed her knees to her body tighter, trying not to shake.
“This isn’t…” Ragatha muttered before trailing off. She looked away, hands burying themselves in the fabric of the dress draped over her cross-legged lap. “I hate these types of conversations.” She whispered.
“I’m not having too much fun right now either, but I miss you and I wanna fix it,” Pomni admitted quietly, feeling her face heat up as the words left her mouth. It was true, though. Ragtha’s absence had effectively isolated her from all social interaction outside of the adventures. None of the other members tried to initiate conversation except for Gangle and Jax. Gangle’s conversations always devolved into awkward small talk and Jax… well none of her interactions with Jax were positive.
A sinking feeling settled in her chest as she realized how horribly lonely she was. It was pathetic. She pushed away the only person who gave her the time of day and was now crawling back like a pitiful, starved feral cat woeful of biting the hand that fed it.
She took a shuddering breath in, trying her hardest not to break down into tears. She didn’t see Ragatha’s eye widening in alarm as she realized Pomni was unraveling.
“Okay,” Ragatha breathed out, worry etched onto her face, “let's fix it.”
Pomni buried her face into her knees, hiding away and making herself as small as physically possible, “I don’t know how.” Her voice cracked. Should it even be fixed? Maybe it’d be better for Ragatha if it stayed like this. Free to go about her day without the pathetic jester following her around like a frightened kitten.
Ragatha seemed to be going through an internal debate and Pomni was too busy trying to keep her breathing under control to decipher what it might’ve been.
“You hurt my feelings…” Ragatha started slowly, “But clearly I crossed some sort of boundary? I don’t know. I’m pretty awful when it comes to talking about my feelings, but you’re just as stubborn? How do I respect your boundaries when you don’t set them in the first place?”
Pomni shifted to peek out of her self-imposed ball. “I’m sorry...” The rest of her sentence got lodged in her throat before it could make it out. It felt as if a boa constrictor had wrapped its body around her chest and neck. She wanted to say more. She wanted to tell Ragatha that it wasn’t her fault and that she didn’t like being touched but the words died before passing her lips. Instead, she just gaped like a stupid fish, struggling to get her body to do what she wanted it to.
“This isn’t going well.” Pomni rasped out before Ragatha could respond to her half-baked apology. “I think I just need a second.” She mumbled.
In all honesty, she didn’t know why she was panicking so much. Ragatha wasn’t going to bite her head off even if they stopped being friends past this point, but her body was screaming at her to run and get away. With that option not possible, she was stuck in freeze mode.
The sound of fabric shifting against the tent roof was deafening in the quiet space. She chanced another peek out of her arms and noted that Ragatha had moved closer. Not close enough to be touching but enough that she could reach out and place an arm over her shoulders if needed. Her hands hovered in the air momentarily before tangling back into her dress.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know how to…” She looked so worried Pomni wanted to disappear, “You probably don’t want me touching you, right?”
Pomni shivered as it dawned on her that she did want to be touched, actually. She wanted Ragatha to hold her and tell her everything was alright. A sick feeling settled in her gut, feeling disgusted that she’d crave the thing that got them into this mess.
“I-” Nope. Still couldn’t formulate a sentence. Cool.
Instead, she loosened the death grip she had on her legs and unraveled herself from the little ball. Her eyes flicked over Ragatha’s body, wanting nothing more than to close the gap between them, but not knowing how.
Ragatha watched silently for a moment. “Do you want me to…?” One of her hands came up to hover near Pomni. Too fast. She flinched and the hand retreated quickly.
Her eye widened, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry… please.” The words came out softer than she wanted. She sounded so small and pathetic.
“Please what?” Ragatha asked, face scrunched up in confusion.
Pomni’s eyes locked onto Ragatha. She took in a sharp breath and scooted over. Not much. Her voice felt like it’d been locked up somewhere deep in her chest, wriggling and writhing wanting out to no avail. Blocked by the emotions bubbling up, threatening to drown her with no chance of screaming for help.
The confused look morphed into something much softer, “Can I touch you?”
Pomni nodded and sucked in a tense breath. Her shoulders were shaking, so stiff they almost touched the ears she didn’t have. The brush of Ragatha’s fabric skin on her arm almost made her brain blue screen. She didn’t know if it was a positive or negative reaction at first, but as the woman next to her slowly moved her hand up and around her shoulders until they were in a loose side hug, Pomni realized she didn’t hate it.
She let out the breath she was holding and leaned into the embrace, her head nestling comfortably onto Ragtha’s shoulder. Her brain buzzed pleasantly when the loose, and unsure hug tightened into something proper. She turned slightly and tucked herself under Ragatha’s chin. A perfect fit.
Pomni could hear her racing heartbeat. Was she making her uncomfortable? Doubts wormed their way into her mind almost immediately. What was she thinking? This wasn’t okay. She hurt Ragatha. Of course, she didn’t want to be holding her. She wanted to pull away but she couldn't. The greedy little touch ravenous part of her stopped her from breaking the contact. She froze instead.
“You’re tensing up again.” Ragatha whispered, “Talk to me.”
Pomni worked her jaw for a moment. Determined, she was finally able to force out, “Am I making you uncomfortable?”
Ragatha’s hold on Pomni tightened. Not in a tense way, but more in a comforting way. As if to tell her not to run away. “No, sweetheart, you’re not making me uncomfortable at all. Why do you think that?”
Her fingers worked themselves into Ragatha’s dress. Their side hug was more of a full-on cuddle now. “Your heart.” She mumbled into the older woman’s shoulder, “It's racing.”
That one made Ragatha tense up.
“Oh!” She paused, body relaxing once again, “It’s not because you’re making me uncomfortable, I promise. It’s like the farthest thing away from that.”
That confused Pomni, but she didn’t question it. Ragatha would probably brush it off if she poked any further. She filed away the strange sentence to mull over later.
They lapsed into silence. This was an improvement, but were things really fixed? She apologized, but she still hadn’t explicitly said the words ‘I’m touch-adverse’ or anything resembling them. Ragatha was right in saying that her boundaries couldn’t be respected if they weren’t set.
Not to mention, it was probably weird to admit to not liking physical touch while also being cuddled up to someone. She sighed, “Sorry for all of that. I got stuck in my own head.” She shivered as one of Ragatha’s hands rubbed up and down her back soothingly, “I don’t normally like being touched. I shouldn’t have exploded on you and you’re right I should’ve just told you.”
Ragatha hummed, making Pomni’s head feel pleasantly staticy at the vibration. “It’s okay, hun. I forgive you.” Her heart was still racing, “This is okay, right?”
Pomni nodded, “Yeah.” She untangled her fingers from Ragatha’s dress and wrapped her arms around her, finally reciprocating the hug. “Usually touching people feels like touching live wire, but right now it’s… good.” She muttered.
Ragatha’s heart sped up. Did she say something wrong?
“That makes me happy.”
Pomni’s breath hitched. It made her happy too.
A pleasant rumble settled in her chest. At first, she thought it was more of an emotional sensation, much like the feeling of someone’s heart welling up when something touching happened, but Ragatha lifted her chin off Pomni’s head and stared down at her in disbelief. Amusement filled her eyes. “Are you purring?” She asked softly, her voice just barely holding back a titter.
Pomni sat up, embarrassment flooding her senses, “Uh. I don’t-” She stared at Ragatha in horror.
The amused smile morphed into alarm, “It’s okay! I thought it was cute, I’m sorry.”
She blinked. Ragatha called her cute. Her face wasted no time flushing as the words replayed in her head. She leaned back into Ragatha’s chest, now facing forward with her back flush with the woman. “I didn’t know I could do that.”
“I think it's adorable. You’re very cat-like” Ragatha breathed out a small laugh. She leaned forward and snaked her arms back around Pomni’s middle, resting her chin comfortably on the jester’s head once again.
As the embrace returned, the purring did. “Can’t argue with that I guess,” Pomni mumbled, embarrassment still fresh in her mind.
They settled into a comfortable silence. Ragatha’s fingers absently fidgeted with the pom pom on her chest. The movement was soothing somehow.
Her eyes drifted upward. The many familiar constellations twinkled at her in greeting. She counted them one by one. Counting the stars had become somewhat of a ritual of hers. It was relaxing, somewhat along the lines of counting numbers or sheep.
The rumbling in her chest increased in intensity as she fully relaxed. Her eyes felt heavy.
“Whatcha doing?” Ragatha murmured.
She craned her neck further to catch Ragatha’s eye. She seemed just as content as Pomni was. “Naming the constellations in my head.”
Ragatha’s eye lit up, “We have constellations?”
Pomni nodded, face breaking out into a smile at the enthusiasm, “Yeah! All of them.” She pointed to one of the easier ones to spot, “See those three stars that are kinda stacked on top of each other? That’s Orion’s belt. The rest of the constellation is a little harder to see.” She pointed out the rest of the stars that made up Orion, hoping that Ragatha could tell what she was talking about despite the slightly different perspective.
Her heart skipped a beat when Ragatha let out a small laugh, “I see it. So that’s Orion.” Her hand raised, pointing to every star as if tracing and committing them to memory. “How many are up there?”
“All of them actually. Eighty-eight. Usually, you can’t see all of them at the same time, but it’s not like this is the real world with seasons and real passing time.” Her chest ached a little. It wasn’t real was it? Ragatha’s hold tightened slightly as she shifted. Pomni shivered. It was real enough.
Ragatha’s chest vibrated in a hum, “You know a lot about stars.”
Pomni awkwardly chuckled, “Yeah, I think it’s probably something I was interested in before, y’know. Not sure if it was a job or hobby, though.”
“Mind if we lay back and you name them all for me?” Ragatha said almost shyly.
She felt like her heart was about to explode out of her chest, “Y-yeah lets… do that.”
Pomni allowed herself to lean back with Ragatha until they were laying flat and she was nestled comfortably in the crook of her shoulder. Her arm wrapped around her, relaxing onto her stomach. Poking at the lower pompom and drawing abstract shapes onto her clothed skin. She shivered at the contact but decided she didn't hate it at all. Her eyes slipped closed and she took a deep breath. This was nice.
“Chop chop, Pomni, you’ve got eighty-seven more constellations to name” Ragatha teased, voice soft.
She opened her eyes and turned her head to look at Ragatha. She was beautiful. Red hair spilled out onto the roof of the circus tent contracting in the stripe of yellow they laid in. Her skin glowed under the light of the Moon and her eye twinkled with the playfulness of her comment. Her eyes drifted down to her upturned lips and the thought of closing the distance pulled her out of her staring.
Blushing furiously, she turned back. The intimacy of her current position hit her like a ton of bricks. She definitely could not indulge in those thoughts she thought as her heart thumped loudly in her chest.
“Y’know sometimes your eyes turn into hearts when you look at me.” Ragatha breathed.
She froze.
What?
Ragatha’s hand slowly tracing circles on her stomach didn’t falter. It was a little overwhelming, but she was too stunned to move away or ask her to stop. “What?” She croaked out, knowing fully well that Ragatha knew. Pomni barely knew and hadn’t come to terms with it yet. The giant crush she had on her, that is.
Pomni turned to stare at her with wide eyes. The doll looked mortified, blushing and looking away, “Oh, wow. I don’t know why I said that. You just… it just happened and you looked at my lips and it just slipped out.”
She sat up and gaped owlishly at Ragatha.
“Oh no I made it awkward, I'm so sorry.” Her hands came up and covered her flushed face.
“You know?” Pomni choked out.
Ragathe peeked at her through her fingers, “Sorta… I don’t know. I had a suspicion I guess. I mean, how else are you supposed to interpret literal heart eyes.” She followed Pomni in sitting up. They were so close now. If she craned her neck and leaned forward she could easily press her lips against Ragatha’s.
“And you’re not… weirded out?” Pomni asked slowly.
Ragatha averted her eyes again, “No…” She hesitated before continuing, “If you want to… we could.”
Pomni stared, gobsmacked, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Do you want to?”
“Yeah.” She breathed out, still unable to look at Pomni.
She blinked in disbelief, “What do I…”
“Turn around?” Ragatha murmured, seemingly just as unsure as Pomni was.
She swallowed thickly and did just that. Now she was sitting in Ragatha’s lap, legs folded under her, caging her in, hands trembling on her shoulders. Ragatha’s shaky hands came up and brushed against her hips featherlike before lightly resting.
“Are you sure about this?” Pomni whispered. Eyes flicking between Ragatha’s eye and lips.
Ragatha was looking at her with so much adoration she couldn’t take it. “Yes, are you?” The hands on her hips sat heavier, grounding and keeping her from floating away.
“Yeah…” Pomni’s arms shifted to limply drape over Ragatha’s shoulders as they inched closer to each other. She brought a hand up to tangle into her hair.
Their hearts thundered in tandem, chests flush with each other.
Pomni almost jolted away in surprise as their lips brushed despite being fully aware of what was happening. A small noise escaped the back of her throat as they finally connected into a fairly chaste kiss. Fireworks screeched and exploded from out of nowhere. They jumped apart to stare at the offending spectacle.
“What?” Pomni mumbled in confusion.
There was a beat of silence after the last firework petered out.
“I think that was because of us,” Ragatha said slowly.
She turned to give her a confused look, “What do you mean?”
“Well… like it was cartoony. A kiss followed by literal fireworks. Y’know how the circus is sometimes.”
Her confused expression bled into humor, “Oh.” She said, smiling. “Can we do it again? I didn’t get a good enough look at the fireworks.”
Ragatha chuckled and she licked her lips, “I’d be happy to oblige.”
Their lips pressed together again. No fireworks this time, but she didn’t care. All she could focus on was Ragatha’s soft lips caressing her own. She was so warm.
Her other hand tangled into Ragatha’s curls as the hands on her hips pulled her as close as possible.
They pulled apart and stared at each other through lidded eyes, breathing harder than normal. Not exactly out of breath, but somewhere in between. Pomni’s chest rumbled loudly in a purr.
“Now what?” Ragatha asked in a low voice.
The hands on her hips were driving her crazy. She couldn’t believe that any of this was happening. Any moment now she’d wake up with no Ragatha next to her.
Her mind blanked when Ragatha’s thumbs on her hips lazily rubbed back and forth. The small motion shouldn’t have affected her so much but it was so affectionate and soft she could feel herself short-circuiting. In response to the touch, she let her gloved fingers scratch at her scalp.
Ragatha’s eyes closed as she leaned into the touch. “Mm, I remember you saying you’d name the constellations for me.”
Pomni smiled, “Yeah, I did, didn't I?”
“Turn around,” Ragatha murmured, eye opening to peer at her.
“Kay.” She replied and obeyed, spinning around until her back was flush with Ragatha’s chest. Her arms came up to wrap around Pomni. She yelped when they fell back into a lying position, reminiscent of the one from earlier. Only this time she was practically lying on top of Ragatha.
Wasting no time, Ragatha’s hands were already coming up to fidget with her pom pom. She intercepted one of them and threaded their fingers together to the best of her ability. The hand she’d caught squeezed hers back while the other lazily toyed with the pom pom.
The rumbling in her chest started up again. Contentment washed over her.
“Know of any other easy-to-spot constellations, Starboy?” Ragatha asked in a teasing tone.
“That’s a new one.” She said, commenting on the nickname, “And of course, I know them all.”
Ragatha huffed a small laugh, causing Pomni to bounce slightly from the movement of her chest, “Tell me about them.”