Chapter Text
The taste of her favourite wine hit her tastebuds as the wine made its way down her throat and warmed her up from the inside. It was supposed to have a calming effect. But tonight, it did absolutely nothing apart from making her head a little bit fussy. Normally it would make her smile and put her in a peaceful state of mind that would make it easier to fall asleep later on. Olivia doubted she would get any sleep at all tonight as her head was so full.
Her eyes were fixated on the television and watched the news that she helped to create. At the time it had seemed like the right thing to do. Like the only thing to do. But now she regretted it with every ounce of her being. She helped destroy one of the few sources of happiness that she had. It was one of the only reasons she got out of bed in the mornings. The one thing she looked forward to the most, no matter how hard she fought it. Olivia had never known happiness like that before. Happiness had been an unknown concept for her and her family. Life had been filled with tragedy that drove them apart. Olivia Pope didn’t get her own happiness, she slaved so that everyone else could. She worked every day to fix other people’s problems and mistakes so that they could have a little normal in a messed-up world.
It wasn’t the first time Olivia watched the news segment. It wasn’t the second or the third time either. She kept on torturing herself over and over again by forcing herself to watch as her world fell apart.
She took another sip of her wine and hoped that it would do its job this time. The knot in her stomach grew as Kimberly Mitchell announced the sex America’s baby to the world and to the expecting parents. Then she listened to Millie Grant’s ramblings about how incredibly happy she was. Her hand holding onto her husband’s hand in an unrelenting grip. She was so focused on what was happening on the screen and her own misery that she didn’t hear her phone ring at first. She picked it up without looking who was calling, assuming it was work, and work would be a welcomed distraction. Never did she think it would be him that was calling.
“What?” she answered sharply, ready to take on the world.
“It’s me.” Fitz’s low voice rumbled through the phone and made her heart speed up from zero to a hundred in no time at all.
She quickly muted the video, but she didn’t stop watching. She didn’t need the audio. She knew every word by heart at this point. It was irresponsible of him to call, especially now. He and his wife had just announced the sex of a baby they only conceived to hide the scandal of his and Olivia’s affair.
“Hello?” came Fitz’s voice again. “Hello? Liv, it’s a secure line.”
“Hello.” she said quietly.
“Hello. Hi.”
“Hi.”
Olivia tried to swallow past the lump in her throat that formed at their normal greeting. It was incredible the power that one word, two letters, held over her. It was so simple, but yet it contained everything.
“You can’t be calling me.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” he sounded frustrated. “I can’t call you. I can’t talk to you. I can’t see you. We can’t do this.”
Sadness slipped into his voice and Olivia knew exactly how Fitz felt. It was how she felt every time she saw him at a function, standing next to his wife with a big smile on his face, and she had to act as if she barely knew him when in fact, she knew him better than most. It pained her every time she had to act like what they had did not exist, when she had to diminish what they shared like it nothing. It hurt, and it was getting harder and harder to deal with.
Olivia asked him to pretend that he hated her and hang up the phone. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to do it herself. But she couldn’t speak to him any longer or she would cave and give into her urges. He refused, and instead they laughed together at her pathetic evening. They then proceeded to talk about their day as if they were just like any other couple that after long day finally relaxed next to the one they loved. It was comforting and for a second, she almost forgot who they were. In that moment they weren’t the President and the fixer. They were Olivia and Fitz.
As he doubted his ability to do the job he had been elected to do, she pushed him and built up his confidence. She did it because she believed in him. She believed in him like she had never believed in another person. He would succeed and do good for the world like he had been destined to do. She didn’t involve her own securities and emotions. That’s what you did when you loved someone. You made sacrifices. Even if the sacrifice was your own happiness.
“I hate you.” She knew exactly what he meant with those word. He was using her own words against her. They held no bite, but somehow those words were easier to say and easier for her to hear then what he really meant.
“I hate you too.”
It was the words that scared her. Once they were out there, there was no turning back. She would have given him everything she had and there would be nothing left. And in this relationship there was no happy ending. Not for her. It was destined to fall apart, and she knew it even though Fitz didn’t want to admit it. Until they were both free of their shackles they could not be together and stay happy.
When he said goodbye after a long silence, Olivia couldn’t find the words to respond. She waved slightly and smiled to herself even though he wouldn’t be able to see her. They hung up the phone and she quickly downed the rest of her wine in a big gulp. She curled tighter on the sofa and tried to hold back the tears. There would definitely be no sleep tonight.