Chapter Text
Something was missing. Which was weird because really, they got everything they wanted.
Sure, they walked away with lingering cracks in their shells. And okay, Leo’s wrist still gets random flare ups even a month later- but they still got what they needed. The acceptance of the people.
Though Leo starting to think, ironically enough, that because he got everything he wanted- it makes this missing thing all the more obvious.
At first Leo thought it was small stuff. He wasn't as charming as he thought, okay that was fair, he could work on that. Leo was also struggling to catch up to his grade level without a tutor, but that was normal, most students need a tutor anyway. No biggie, no sweat. Those were all things Leo could change, all things he could work on.
Then the small things got bigger, more noticeable, like a red stain on a white shirt. Finding a tutor became difficult because no one wanted to take Leo on, to the point where a teacher had to assign a student tutor to Leo. Teachers called on Leo when they knew he was struggling, other students stumbled on Leo’s name but were quick to ask where they could find Donnie, Mikey, and Raph. Actually, it seemed like Leo was the avenue in which people found his brothers. It got to the point where if someone stopped Leo in the hall, Leo was already pointing to where his other brothers could be found.
Leo barely had conversations with his classmates, and if he did he either suffered long winding silences he didn't know how to handle- or they just smiled the whole time. Not smile like, ‘I enjoy your presence’ but smiling like ‘I know something you don't’ and that made Leo’s skin crawl more than anything. What could they know that Leo didn't?
Everything apparently, because all the humans have been above ground since they were born, meanwhile Leo and his brothers only had a month under their belt.
That should've been enough to assuage Leo’s worries, he just needed time to adjust like his brothers did. Except his brothers had adjusted, it was just Leo. Only Leo, who still struggled.
It had to be something in the air or maybe it was the way he breathed, something too concrete to change. something that he couldn’t see, because wouldn’t Leo have caught it by now?
Leo would stay up late at night, sleep wasn’t even willing to bother his thoughts as he replayed the day.
Thinking back on every conversation or action he had done and wondering what he could've done differently. How could he be better? But then a new day starts and Leo finds himself unable to be different, to be better. Is it possible Leo didn't want to be better deep down?
The feeling lingers like scars on his skin, awkward, bumpy reminders that flare up the more people poke them. It isn’t until Leo is seated in the cafeteria, a table full of his brothers and his brother's friends all chatting and laughing and having fun did Leo realize something.
Leo’s in the middle of all these people, all squeezed together so they could all fit on the benches and they all shout like they can’t hear each other but Leo hadn’t said a word since he sat down. Not a single person looked his way, not even his brothers. Any attempts at joining the fun and frolic led to the humans giving Leo a nod of acknowledgment and an awkward polite smile before turning back to one of his brothers.
Leo is surrounded by people, but he isn’t included.
What's wrong with me?
The question has been festering for weeks, but when Leo finally nails down the wording, it burns so deeply that Leo gets desperate for answers.
So, Leo turns to the only other turtles who might feel the same. His brothers. Granted they don’t take Leo seriously most of the time, and they seem to be adjusting just fine, but it’s worth a try right? Maybe it’ll even be a bonding thing where he finds out he’s not alone.
Leo waits till after dinner. After they all crowd into their room to wind down after the day. Leo sits at his bed, tying his shoes over and over because he wants to look casual when he brings this up in case he needs to play it off.
Donnie is trying to help Raph with homework and Mikey’s doing something on his phone. Leo realizes that the quicker he asks the faster he can get it over with. So without thinking Leo just blurts it out.
“Do you ever feel different?” The silence that follows immediately spikes Leo’s anxiety. He immediately regrets opening his mouth, now his brothers are staring at him like he has two heads. Leo does his best not to falter or look away, he wouldn't make this weird, he wouldn't.
"Well duh, we’re mutant turtles." Raph states the obvious, looking at Leo like he's stupid. Leo shakes his head, "Not like that, I mean, are you like- hyper aware that we aren't like everyone else?" Leo attempts to fix the conversation, get it back on track, but Leo's always been clumsy with words.
"Yeah," Mikey chimes with an easy smile. "Because we’re mutant turtles."
Leo looks up at the ceiling in frustration, his lips pressed into a frown. Okay, never mind. Clearly coming to his brothers was a bad idea because they can't take anything seriously unless their lives are at stake.
Just before Leo can backtrack and save his pride, Donnie cuts in.
“Why do you ask?”
Leo waves his hand in dismissal, “oh, yknow,” he laughs, but the way Donn raises his eyebrow tells Leo he might sound a bit nervous. Leo clears his throat instead. “Just seeing how you guys are holding up, I mean we are only a month in.”
Donnie perks up almost immediately, looking at Leo with that bright shine in his eyes. “The Tech club is so good! We’re learning how to program robots and we even started hanging out after school.” Donnie practically bounces in his seat. Okay, so Donnie is good. He looks great even, he finally found other tech enthusiasts.
“And! Guess who got invited to a Bradford party?” Raph cuts in, leaning over the table to physically and verbally cut Donnie off. Donnie rolls his eyes at Raph’s prideful smile, shoving Raph off with a shoulder. “You idiot, we all got invited. You're not special.”
“Yeah,” Mikey joins in, a sarcastic smile on his face. “All of us got an invite, right Leo?” Mikey’s smile turns to Leo and the room goes silent waiting for the answer that Leo cannot give.
Leo feels the eyes press on him, the heat is enough to make Leo go back to untying and tying his shoe. Leo tries not to glare at his shoe, tries not to let it be known that this is affecting him deeper than it should, but the pulled feeling on his face tells him that he's failed. Leo’s glaring down, hoping the awkward silence will pass.
“Leo?” Please stop talking, please shut up, please, please, please-
“Wait, you didn't get invited?” Raph perks up, his voice sounding so close to a laugh that Leo tugs his shoelaces tighter. The shoes don't really fit around his feet because he has two toes, not five.
Leo hears someone smack Raph’s arm and Raph quiets almost instantly. Leo had heard talk about Bradford going around, the guy who throws big bashes because his parents are rarely home and everyone gets a personal invite.
Almost everyone, because word has buzzed around school and Leo was approached by Bradford once and that was to ask for a pencil.
God, Leo hates this feeling. It feels like the walls around him are pushing in on him. The last thing Leo wants is to see those looks on his brothers faces. It's like those knowing smiles the other kids give him, but it feels weirder because his brothers arent smiling but instead giving each other knowing looks.
Like they knew this was going to happen, they just didn't know when.
Leo’s the oldest, he knows his younger brothers better than they know. They spent fifteen years clamped together in one space, it's a miracle they haven't developed mind reading abilities. Well, Leo’s developed them somewhat. It's how he knows what his brothers are thinking.
There is a painful bit of silence where the three of them all toss looks back at each other because they don't know what to say. Leo sighs, deciding to bite the bullet and just ask what he's been avoiding. No point in trying to hide it now, right?
“Guys stop,” Leo frowns, planting his shoes on the ground. “I'm not upset, okay? It’s just a dumb party.” Its a little bit of a lie. Leo doesn't think he’d like parties, but he still wants to go and wants to be invited. Its like the ultimate form of acceptance among his peers. But, that little lie makes his brothers relax a little, so Leo can hold onto that.
“It's everything else,” Leo’s brows pinch, looking at his brothers and watching their faces contort into these expressions of pity. “People like you guys, they think you're funny and smart, they actually want to be around you.” Leo doesn't like the looks, he tears his eyes away. Back down to his shoes, he holds his stare because that's his safe spot. Even if he can still feel the burns of their eyes on his soul.
Leo can't believe he only started realizing it now. All the times his brother poked fun at him, got angry with him, all the time his father looked at Leo like he wasn't really sure what to do with him. That feeling was always there, it was just easier to blame it on what he didn't have.
Leo would find his people one day, when they got accepted by people. Now they're accepted by the people, but Leo feels like the only outlier in the whole world.
“There’s something wrong with me.” Leo mutters under his breath, unable to keep the question from slipping out. He just doesn't understand. Maybe now, with it all out in the open, his brothers can help answer it. There always poking at each other, it's how they all have such thick skin. If anyone can find out what’s wrong with him, it has to be his brothers, right?
Except, when Leo looks back up, none of his brothers look ready to poke fun. Donnie and Mikey look at each other with wide eyes, mouths clamped shut without anything to say. Meanwhile, Raph cringes back, looking wildly uncomfortable. He can't even look Leo in the eyes.
Leo made it weird. Shit, he made it weird. This is exactly what Leo didn't want.
“Nevermind.” Leo blurts, grabbing his hoodie from under his blanket and tugging it on. It’s like his version of a safety blanket, a childish hope that a few layers of fabric could hide the growing embarrassment on in chest.
Leo doesn't miss the way his brothers panic, each looking at each other as if scrambling for something to say.
“There's nothing wrong with you dude,” Donnie counters, but it sounds weak at best. Donnie is doing his best to keep casual. God forbid Donnie have feelings, he tries so hard to bury them all. Maybe that's what Leo is missing?
“You're just built different Leo,” Mikey shrugs with an easy smile, like he's giving Leo some kind of vague compliment. It doesn't feel like a compliment.
Leo expected something like- "Of course not Leo! we love you and you're differences aren't horribly noticeable!" It's what people are supposed to say, so why is no one saying it to him now? It’s weird acceptance paired with flimsy denial, that doesn't help anything.
“Yeah, you're like Duplo instead of Lego.” Donnie offers, looking like he's trying to be supportive, but it just feels more patronizing. This isn't what's supposed to happen. They aren't even trying to disagree anymore. Is it that obvious? Leo’s the oldest, he shouldn't have to be reassured like this. He would be mortified if literally anyone else was hearing this conservation
“If you took all the pieces and hot glued them together.” Raph snickers in response, flipping more pages of his textbook, obviously not reading it.
Leo gets this image in his brain at his brothers’ words.
If he was Duplo then his brothers were all Lego sets. Perfectly crafted via the instruction manual (Or freeform in Mikey’s case) and Leo simply wasn't. Just a clump of colorful blocks covered in heaps of hot glue that dribbled all over the place. Aren't Duplo blocks supposed to be easier to put together than Lego? God that made the whole thing even worse.
Leo could give himself slack before. They were all new to being social with other people. It was an adjustment period for them all, but a month down the road everyone just seemed to meld so easily except for Leo. Leo, whose only proper friends include April and Koya, and Koya is Leo’s student tutor. (Leo calls her a friend, but the last time he told her that Koya just sneered and said she had no time for friends).
So If something is wrong with Leo, and no one will tell him what, how the hell is he supposed to fix it?
You can't Something snaps in Leo’s head, and the thought comes so suddenly Leo looks around to make sure no one whispered it into his ear. But no. Donnie went back to explaining something Raph doesn't understand and Mikey is sliding his headphones on to watch something on his phone. And Leo is there, sitting on his bed staring at each of his brothers and wondering what the hell went wrong with him.
It didn't make sense when Leo broke it down either. They were all raised by the same dad and lived practically the same life. What went differently with his brothers that they could so seamlessly make friends and be likable and quick-witted, and comfortable but Leo just couldn't? What made Leo so different?
But then that leads Leo back to square one because Leo doesn't know how he’s different, just that he is, and without a cause, he can't find a solution.
It’s a stupid, pointless cycle.
Wordlessly Leo stands, striding up to the doorway with closed fists. and again, there's something in the way Leo walks, in the way he breathes that bleeds intention so grossly because he can feel his brother’s gazes burn in the back of his head. Leo refuses to give anyone the chance to make some snarky comment.
Jerking the curtain open and yanking it closed. Leo didn't bother looking back when he heard one of the metal rings clatter on the sewer floor, nor did he bother telling anyone that he was leaving. Not like anyone came after him anyway, and Leo’s too high-strung to process if that stings or not.