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The apartment was silent apart from quiet, interlacing noises from Kohaku and HiMERU’s phones. Niki and Rinne had left for a store that was selling some kind of limited edition sweet Niki needed. Rinne went along because the two youngest were too ‘boring’ for him and Niki would be a better target. Kohaku thinks he’s right; it’s really boring. His phone has the same things it always has: Aira’s text messages, Hold-hands, videos he’s already watched. He’s bored.
His phone shuts off with a click and he sets it down on the coffee table. HiMERU’s sat on the very opposite side of the couch from him, like any closer and he’d die. Kohaku has just enough room to turn himself fully onto the couch and lean his back against the arm, his legs folded up. If HiMERU notices his position change, he doesn’t turn to look at him. Whatever’s on his phone is more interesting than him, anyways.
Kohaku watches the other, his side profile really is one to praise. No amount of makeup he puts on compares to how he looks without, Kohaku thinks.
HiMERU’s the only person Kohaku looks up to in Crazy:B. He’s the only sensible senior he knows. The two can be in silence, like how they are now, and Kohaku can be at peace rather than wanting out of the situation immediately. He can make small talk with HiMERU easily and it feel natural.
As that unit of theirs grew together and spent more time with each other, HiMERU slowly cracked for Kohaku.
It started with smiles for greetings. Ones that feel professional and forced at first, but Kohaku learns are genuine. It turned into fond hair ruffling after a job well done. It’s something Rinne or Madara would do to annoy him, but it’s different with HiMERU. Now it’s smiles and hair ruffling and words of praise and adoration. Kohaku takes the actions with appreciation that HiMERU doesn’t make such a big deal out of things and is quiet with their affection.
They’re slowly peeking out of their persona and into Kohaku’s eyes. He likes it; the attention of his golden eyes. HiMERU wouldn’t act ‘so unprofessional’ towards anyone else. So, it isn’t wrong to say Kohaku has his favorite in the unit— because he definitely does. But, even though the two are each other's favorites, there’s so much uncomfortable space between them.
Kohaku has spilled his guts to his senior. It’s not like there’s any hiding anything from him, anyways. Back when he was having trouble with Aira, Kohaku went to HiMERU. Not for advice or anything, because the man would give some robotic, out-of-a-movie type plan to Kohaku that would just embarrass him, but to rant. To rant about all the problems he had in his little body that just wouldn’t fit comfortably staying inside, and HiMERU would listen. He would nod his head and occasionally butt in on things he thought were interesting enough.
HiMERU knows most of Kohaku’s thoughts and personal problems. If something had happened at school one day, HiMERU probably knew about it.
Kohaku hasn’t yet told him of his past, his unspeakable acts. He fears the other would be disgusted, feel lied to, and regret ever getting close to Kohaku. It scared him. No, it terrified him. He’d rather die by his own hands than be thrown away by his first friend.
But, he does not know the first thing about HiMERU.
Well, he knows they’re a real weirdo, that’s what he knows. And Rinne’s given him the subtlest hints of what they’re hiding, but Kohaku lacks just the right amount of information to be unable to deduce what he means.
He knows he likes sweets. He knows he doesn’t like Rinne. He knows they’d much rather be alone than surrounded by people. It’s things acquaintances would know about one another. But, HiMERU and Kohaku are not acquaintances, they’re friends.
At least, that’s what they should be.
Now that Kohaku’s thinking about how little he knows about HiMERU, he feels exposed and weak. He’s been pouring his heart out to this stranger. He doesn’t like calling his beloved unitmate that, but is it far from the truth? Kohaku doesn’t even know his name: characteristic of two strangers. He doesn’t know how they truly react in situations, even when he’s present, watching their actions in real time. He’s not watching them, he’s watching a stranger. A character. An animated character on another side of a screen.
He doesn’t want to know the character, he wants to know the actor behind them.
“Oukawa, is something the matter?” HiMERU clicks his phone off as well to send a questioning look towards the silent teen after the staring became too much.
Kohaku knows how he looks, just staring at the man with big eyes and no facial expression.
“HiMERU-han, aren’t we friends?”
They look caught off guard by the question, “We are. Are we not?” He returns with his own question.
“I dunno, that’s why I’m askin’ you.”
Kohaku uses his age to his advantage— if making HiMERU feel bad about how unequal their relationship is is how he has to go about changing things, then so be it. He knows they’re weak to him.
“I would assume we are, yes. HiMERU quite enjoys your company and doesn’t know what else we would be considered.”
“Acquaintances?”
“If that’s what you consider us to be, then that is what we are. Don’t think too far into things, Oukawa.”
HiMERU’s ominous and nonchalant words piss Kohaku off, but overall upset him. He said Kohaku can pick what they are, but if he picked to end their friendship, would HiMERU let it go that easily? Would they not even care for a person that considers them so dear?
“No, we’re friends. I told you, didn’t I? That you were my first friend since comin’ to the city.”
HiMERU shifts to face Kohaku instead of just turning his head, one leg on the couch. The air conditioning is loud in the background, rattling after turning on a few minutes ago.
“HiMERU doesn’t understand why you’re questioning this, if that’s the case.”
“Because,” Kohaku pauses. He himself doesn’t know why he’s questioning it. The way they are now is all he can ask for. They’re kind to each other, do favors for one another, laugh with each other. It’s everything Kohaku always wanted when he was locked up. He’s being selfish, asking HiMERU for more when if they wanted to, they already would’ve opened up to Kohaku.
Kohaku ends up shrugging, “We don’t feel like friends, we feel like strangers. I don’t know the first thing about you.”
“You’ve always been rather serious regarding relationships,” the man nods. “You’re getting upset.
“Of course I’m getting upset,” his eyebrows furrow at the obvious fact that he just had to point out. “You’re so far away from me, I can’t even see you.”
“You’re upset HiMERU doesn’t tell you more about himself.”
“Yes.” He already knew HiMERU would get it without him having to embarrassingly explain it.
… Would a stranger know that?
The blue-haired man hums a beat and pushes some hair behind his ear, “He could tell you about himself.”
Kohaku grumbles in response, only giving a proper response when HiMERU asks him to repeat himself.
“Well, HiMERU spends free time reading or practicing.” Kohaku nods, he knows all that. Nothing new.
“And his favorite colors are sapphire and gold. There’s a variety of books he will read, but a small percent that he likes. He goes for a jog every morning before getting ready.” HiMERU lists things off without falter, like he had what he wanted to say already ready at the front of his mind; like a robot.
Kohaku hopes that if he keeps spewing things out long enough, he’ll slip up and say something out of character. Because, Kohaku really can’t care what ‘HiMERU’s’ favorite color is. Hearing that name— the name of someone he doesn’t know over and over again is going to snap him in half one day.
“HiMERU-han,” he interrupts while HiMERU was busy listing which mascara brand he uses and which he refuses.
“Yes?” He raises an eyebrow.
“…I don’t care.” He blurts it out before he can think about how that could be perceived. Though, HiMERU doesn’t seem shocked or even hurt by what he had said. They knew from the start that’s not what Kohaku meany. They know what Kohaku wants to know, and it’s not what they’re telling him.
He hums again, “Okay, then HiMERU will go back on his phone.” Giving him the sane attitude.
“No- I meant, like, you. I’m friends with HiMERU-han, and- and that’s great— I love HiMERU-han. But… I don’t like being strangers with you.”
HiMERU’s quiet. “HiMERU thinks you sound like Amagi,” is all they give him.
Kohaku can’t stand them.
He’s been told by Niki that he reminds him of a younger Rinne. He’s been told by HiMERU he reminds them of an undisclosed relative. They just chalk him down to whatever other person they know is his age. Sure, whatever. He doesn’t care. But he does care that HiMERU’s saying it when this is supposed to be about HiMERU. They’re trying to avoid the topic at hand.
Kohaku gives up and keeping his frustration down, “Goddamnit, is it really that hard? Can you really not tell me anything? Can you not be yourself around me? Be- not a robot?”
HiMERU’s lips press into a thin line as he listens.
“It’s not that simple, Oukawa,” their voice is strained and they move their foot out from underneath them.
“HiMERU can’t tell you.”
His eyes burn in frustration. He isn’t sad or anything, it’s more of the strain of not completely flipping out on the other. Still, he feels completely pathetic. It’s like this isn’t even the same person he’s known all these months.
“Why not? If we’re friends, why not?”
“It’s.. personal stuff. You have your personal secrets you don’t want to share, correct?” HiMERU lets his own emotions come out, “It’s the same as that. HiMERU is not obligated to tell you his reasons.”
They do have a point, Kohaku considers. But whatever it is, it’s not the same as what Kohaku’s hiding. HiMERU doesn’t get that.
Kohaku scoffs at them, “You and your stupid reasonin’ can honestly kiss my ass.” He sees them eye his bag while he talks and he knows he’s fucked up. He still doesn’t stop talking.
“Unless you’ve signed some contract, then I don’t know.”
HiMERU grits out through his teeth, “He’s not stupid. You don’t know anything, Oukawa.” Kohaku’s face drops as he feels the words being spit at him. He?
“You’re a child that doesn’t know anything. I would tell you if I could, I really would— but it’s not that easy.” HiMERU gets up from the couch before Kohaku responds, tucking his phone into their pocket.
Kohaku watches with big eyes filled with disbelief and frustration as they grab his bag and looks back for anything they’d left.
“I’m leaving,” they announce suddenly. “Don’t follow me. And don’t talk about things you don’t know, Oukawa.” They head for the door so quickly, Kohaku can’t even get a word in.
Leaving? Just sleep in the other room? He doesn’t voice that out, though. He physically can’t.
He’s left with bitter, angry words. All because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He messed things up so quickly. All because he couldn’t get the right words out.
HiMERU was right, now that he has the silence to reflect in his mind he knows that now. He doesn’t know anything. Rinne knows Ibara knows. Even Niki probably knows. Yet Kohaku doesn’t know anything.
He curses himself for being so selfish. He’s fine with just HiMERU, he can live with just HiMERU. He doesn’t have the right to know them.
They close the door without even sparing a glance to the boy. Kohaku doesn’t cry when they leave him on that couch. He had cried when his unit disbanded. He cried more times in that cell than he can count, but he did not cry when HiMERU refused to get close to him.
His first fight with a friend— it was bound to happen soon enough.
He scoffs, because that’s all he can do. He scoffs at nothing but the wall full of pictures. He doesn’t get back on his phone, just sits there. He sits and listens to nothing but the AC, until that turns off, then he listens to the animals outside. And when he zones out enough for those noises to stop, he listens to the door open.
“Kohaku-chaaan! Merumeruuu! We’re home!”
Bags full of useless junk food and some ingredients clank down onto the hard kitchen floor. Kohaku slowly snaps out of whatever he was in when the door closes again.
“Hm? Where’s HiMERU-kun?” Niki questions with a mouthful of something when he only sees a pink head from the kitchen.
Kohaku doesn’t answer. “Rinne-han,” he calls instead. “What’s HiMERU-han’s favorite color?”
The man he called for pokes his head out from where it was buried in the cabinets, “What? Uh, I dunno? I think they said red? Maybe dark red. Yeah, somethin’ like that. Why?”
Kohaku picks up his own bag and slams the door to the apartment. He can sleep somewhere else tonight.