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"Good," the Lady Mai said, finishing the character with the sort of economical little flourish that came with calligraphy so insanely refined and elegant that a bumpkin like Jee couldn't possibly hope to grasp its magnificence, ever, not if he lived in this royal palace for the rest of his life. She dipped the brush in the ink and moved it to the top of the page. "Now tell me about his nipples."
It wasn't fair. She was sixteen, and if Zuko's proud half-drunken ramblings could be believed, she'd been a virgin - "kind of, in places" - until three weeks ago. She had to be blushing like a lantern, but her white make-up allowed her to keep her whole face a lovely blank mask. And all the while Jee had to sit here on a hard visitor's chair and try not to squirm, sweat, or look even the least bit ruffled by all the extremely exciting memories that the Fire Lord's betrothed was ordering him to vocalize.
Jee heard footsteps marching in through the door, but in a distant sort of way. Apparently the cloud of horror and mortification he'd been sitting in for the past hour was thick enough to actually dull hearing.
"What the hell is going on here?" Zuko's sharp voice jolted Jee's mind back to the surface, a bit. It sounded like he'd heard at least a few seconds of this abominable conversation. Great. With any luck, he'd kill Jee in a fit of anger and put him out of his misery.
Zuko moved into his field of vision, stalking around the desk and towards his betrothed with his robes all abillow and a thunderous frown firmly in place. "Well?"
The Lady Mai didn't look impressed. She didn't even take her eyes off the paper. "Captain Jee is telling me what you like in bed, and I'm taking notes.'"
Zuko froze with his hand extended towards the desk. Then his fingers began to curl back in horror, and his eyes shot towards Jee.
"What I... Why?"
"You turn into a gibbering mess whenever I ask you to explain what you like." She pointed at Jee with the end of her brush. "He knows everything I need to know, so I asked. I hear efficiency is a sought-after trait in future Fire Ladies."
Zuko's face was such a heartbreaking picture of shock that Jee had to fight not to hunch his shoulders in shame.
"Sir..." He'd had no choice. She'd told him to sit down, given him a brush and paper, and told him to write down everything he could remember about then-Prince Zuko's particular... weaknesses. After he'd sat here for a minute staring at her and privately considering the wisdom of immolating himself, she'd sighed, grabbed the writing implements, and just started asking him pointed and horribly explicit questions. She'd been very methodical about it, too. She'd started with the feet and worked her way up from there.
Zuko was still looking down at Jee, mouth half open and eyes wide and betrayed. Well, one eye.
The Lady Mai stared at the both of them as if she was wondering how amusing it would be to let them carry on with this little scene. Then she seemed to experience a rare flash of pity, or maybe she was anxious to get Jee out the door so she could put her newfound knowledge to use.
"Zuko, I ordered him to talk to me. Because you never do." She jabbed the end of the brush into Zuko's unprotected left side.
"Ow!" The kicked-puppy stare went from Jee to the Lady Mai, which was a relief. Jee could only look at that sad face for so long before he stopped feeling sorry and started getting the uncontrollable urge to laugh.
Zuko began to pull himself together, though. He was still almost as red as the wall hangings, but the lone eyebrow was curling down into that new 'I am the Fire Lord and my displeasure makes the ground quake and the mountains spew fire' glower he'd been perfecting.
"Carry on with your ridiculousness, then," he snapped. "I have a meeting with the Minister of Agriculture to attend!"
"That's serious," the Lady Mai droned in a flat monotone that always reminded Jee of why he was infinitely more afraid of her than of Zuko. It sounded like she had no soul.
"Yes," Zuko hissed. "It's about how we're going to prevent food riots in Shu Jing. Serious things. And I'm going right now and you're never speaking of this again."
Her hand snatched Zuko's sleeve so fast that Jee didn't even see her move.
"No," she corrected. "You sent ten carts full of rice to Shu Jing yesterday." She held up the paper in front of his face - it was a wonder it didn't catch fire just from the heat - and tapped a pointy black nail on something written near the left edge. "Right now, you will hold still while I try this."
If Zuko turned any redder, he'd expire and they'd have a sudden unsolvable power vacuum that would probably plunge the nation into civil war within a week.
"That's..." The fingers of his left hand twitched, and he quickly grabbed on to his own tunic as if to hide it. "Mai, you don't even have a..."
"No, but I'm sure I have the intelligence to adapt this... act to our circumstances."
"No harder than changing a firebending move to retain maximum efficiency in new surroundings, sir," Jee supplied.
Two faces swiveled in his direction, both rather frightening in very distinct ways.
"Thank you for your assistance, Captain. Out," the Lady Mai said, still in the evil monotone.
Jee made his exit as speedily as dignity allowed. He nodded at the men outside the doors and made a beeline for his own rooms; hideously embarrassing as this afternoon had been, it had awoken a few very precious memories that wouldn't let themselves be put back to sleep again with just a few minutes of meditation. It was a good thing that the leather skirt guard of his shiny new uniform was stiff enough to hide all sorts of uncomfortable truths.
If he also spent some time imagining what the Fire Lord was being subjected to by his betrothed right now, well. No old sailor was ever too old for a taste of something different.